Subtle Lies

It all started this morning on the way to work...well, no, maybe it was on facebook last night...but the real fuel came as I drove to work listening to three morning dj's arguing about Pat Robertson's comments. And I had to say something...hence, the 7:15 am blog below. And 30 minutes later the kids came into my classroom and I still felt agitated. This is the first time all week, I had felt fired up and heated...so it was noticeable to me. And I realized...I needed to calm down. But all I wanted to do was join in the argument, tell what I saw, tell people to stop arguing and come down off their high horses...and that's when I realized...

that I too had fallen prey to the enemy.

My peace was gone, I wanted to fight, wanted to prove my point...and I had gone from feeling compassion for the Haitian people to feeling the need to convince people to stop fighting and slandering.

And for the rest of the day I have had to find my way back to hearing the Lord. And so, somehow, I am going to try to convey what I feel is on my heart tonight, and I hope you will hear it and it will somehow make sense.

The way of the enemy is to take a little bit of the truth and turn it into a lie. It's how all rumors begin. It's how small misunderstandings grow into large separations. It happened in the Garden of Eden when the serpent tricked Eve and it is happening through the present day. Imagine a lie...wrapped beautifully in a truth that might seem so good and easy to swallow...and then opened by an unsuspecting person caught off guard...when the fallout happens, who gets blamed?

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why are there wars? Why are there natural disasters? Why are innocent people hurt at the hands of murderers and rapists? Why doesn't God stop them? Why doesn't He protect them from ever getting into that situation?

I submit to you this: we all have a choice.

We have a choice because there is a God who wants our love...not our blind and forced submission. Hence 2 trees in the Garden of Eden...a choice of life or death. Hence, a God who longs for a relationship with people, but who will not force it upon them. And this freedom, of choice, has given men and women everywhere free reign to do whatever they please, whenever the please. This Earth is quite a mess isn't it? But in the midst of it all, there is a God who is working to save and redeem as many people as He can. There is a God who is working to rescue the hearts of those who will choose to believe Him.

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. ~2 Peter 3:9

I admit to the fact that I and so many Christians, who have not known how to answer, who have lacked any kind of tact, who have bought into some kind of lie, and/or who have not known the true love of God and are walking in legalism and fear...have given answers that are less than perfect. But I also know this:

We have an enemy. There is a real Satan. There is a real hell. Did you know he used to live in Heaven? Did you know that he would love nothing more than to keep you and I from getting there? And so what will he do to keep us from getting there? Anything...and that includes causing us to doubt that God is loving, and kind, and good. That includes dividing friends, family, and strangers in accusation and misunderstanding as we try desperately to define God to each other.

And....

God is not waiting around to punish people. He is not waiting to use His hammer on people who don't follow Him. He created the world...He created us...He LOVES us. Why in the world would He want to curse us...destroy us...tear our lives apart because we didn't choose Him?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ~John 3:16

Let me reiterate:

• Because God is good and perfect, He cannot allow sin in His presence.
• Sin can be defined as anything that brings death to our lives, to our hearts, to the lives of others...anything that destroys love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22-25
  
• If God allowed sin, it would be like saying that all the bad things that happen are no big deal. And is that true? NO WAY! Of course they're a big deal...why do we cry out from the depths of our hearts and say, "Why, God, why?!" Why are we so dissatisfied with the things that are broken? Because it wasn't meant to be this way.
• God hates sins because it destroys us...and God wants us to LIVE! So He sent us a way out of death. He gave us a way not to die. He gave us a ticket out of hell. The ticket's name is Jesus. And Jesus, through His death and resurrection, destroyed the power of sin.

So, here comes Pat Robertson, telling us that in the recorded history of Haiti they made a pact with Satan in order to win a battle, and that since then, they have lived under a curse which has caused great poverty for the nation.

I have talked to people who have visited Haiti...voodoo and witchcraft are rampant in this nation. You can feel the darkness as you walk the streets...literally hear the voodoo chants in the middle of the night. Poverty has been highly visible for years and years. I listened to an interview with one of Haiti's ambassadors today...he said, "well, any pact that has been made between Haiti and the devil also affects America..because America received land out of this as well." He did not deny it.

And so here is what people think Pat Robertson is saying....that GOD has put a curse on Haiti because of their sin. But that IS NOT what he said. See the lie? Do you see it? Do you see how subtle? Everyone is going around saying, "Oh, he's saying God has cursed them? How awful! How indignant! How self-righteous!" And he did not say that at all.

He said, and please forgive me for the paraphrase here, but he said that they agreed to put themselves into the hands of the devil in order to win a battle with the French. Whoah...who in their right minds would do such a thing, right? How could this even be true? But, what if it is true? Because WHO is our enemy? Who wants to take us out? Who wants to destroy our lives? Who causes poverty and ruin? The very being and power that the historical reports are claiming they handed their lives over to. Was it these exact people who have felt the devastation of the earthquake? No, probably not. But hear me out. There is a very real spiritual world at work that we do not see with our eyes. There are dark, spiritual strongholds over nations that need to be broken. There are people still in bondage, messing with voodoo and witchcraft, playing with the dark forces. They are paying the price, and these people need to be freed. They need our prayers! They need us to stop parading around in our so-called "love" clothing...recognize that the enemy is destroying lives, get down in the dirt on our knees and pray prayers that bring healing and restoration! We need to pray from a perspective of truth.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

And yes, we need to clothe the naked. Yes, we need to feed the hungry. We need to rebuild the broken walls. ( Isaiah 58 ) And at the same time, we need to pray...with fervor, in spirit and in truth, with the knowledge that our war is NOT against flesh and blood, but against dark spiritual forces who are working to take us out.

God DID NOT curse Haiti. And neither did Pat Robertson. He may not have all the tact in the world, but he certainly is acting out of compassion by sending millions of dollars worth of relief aid and probably praying more than you or I have even begun to. That being said, God wants to redeem the people of this country out of love for them. He wants to rescue them from the hands of the enemy that they have put themselves into. There is a war going on for them. (And by the way this can be said for every person in the world.) And just walking around saying that we Christians have enough "love" in and of ourselves by sending a $25 donation and a few water bottles is lopsided and unbalanced. We must be aware of what is really going on. We must also speak the truth in love (Colossians 1:6); the truth being that God loves them and wants to heal them and set them free so that they can really live. And of course, with tact, and of course with gentleness, and of course with the leading of the Spirit. We must fight for them both with our prayers and with our hands.

Satan wants us to blame God for the curses and the bad things that happen...he wants us to question each other's motives with pointing fingers and misguided accusations. He wants to takes our eyes off of what is really going on...he wants to destroy us.

God, help us to know your love, help us to walk in your truth...so that we can live...and lead others to find life as well.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~Ephesians 3:14-19

Pat Robertson's Comments on Haiti

Alright, I've heard about enough. It disappoints me greatly when Christians are basing their personal opinions on the media...the same media that chooses to slander the Christian religion as much as possible. Instead of slandering each other, let's get a little understanding. All people are going to do is say, "See, they're at it again...hating each other, causing misunderstandings, etc."

Haiti is in crisis. Let's remember that today and do something about it.

There is a very real spiritual world at work around us.

There is a devil who seeks to control and devastate our lives. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy every good thing that God longs for us to have.

There is a God who LOVES His creation and wants to redeem it.

Let's be people of redemption and stop allowing the media to control which way we are pointing our fingers. You know that's satan's strategy right? Divide and conquer? If he can get us to keep fighting with each other, then we won't turn to look and see that satan himself is the REAL enemy.

Get some understanding this morning, before getting angry. Click on the link below to read what's really going on.
Statement Regarding Pat Robertson's Comments on Haiti

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ~Ephesians 6:12

The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was'

My good friend, who happens to work right next door to me, has given me a resource this week that has brought me so much encouragement. When the battle in our minds is raging, when life seems so overwhelming, when our whole being seems to be crying out for answers and peace, it is time to surround ourselves with God's words of truth and life. I pulled out my sketchbook tonight (I have had a picture in my mind for the past two days; begging to be placed on paper) and watched a four-part series called: The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was' by Beth Moore. You can find many of her series at the link I posted...but the thing that moved me to tears tonight was Part 4. I pray that you will be as encouraged as I was. God is working...always.

This is only about a 10-15 minute clip. Fast forward about a centimeter and Beth Moore will begin speaking.

The 'I Am' Over Your 'Was'

To Love or Not to Love

So Journey, the church I have been attending, just began a new course called "The Story Arc". For the next 10 weeks we will engage in a dialogue on Sunday nights about the Bible as it unfolds. The great part about this is that anyone, at any time, is asked to speak out a question or an observation about the text. We're not allowed to veer outside of the story and debate other theological issues or how they would relate. We can only comment on what the story tells us. So tonight, a room full of about 150 people joined with Pastor Jamie and talked about Adam and Eve and the story of creation and what this story tells us about who God is, and who we are.

And although I have heard this story since childhood, there were many things that stuck out to me...a lot of questions I had never thought of before. And we weren't allowed to take notes! It was only for talking and listening tonight. haha So, that is a very freeing thing, but I wanted to come home and write down a few things that I heard that were important to me...leading to maybe one very important thing.

God is good, and perfect, and right. Everything He does is good and perfect and right. He has created the world and everything in it...and He has called it "very good".

God created the angels, before creating the world. One of the angels rebelled (Satan) which lead to the rebellion of many of the angels. And because God is good and perfect, and He cannot allow sin in his presence (rebellion is sin), those angels who rebelled were cast into darkness.

Then, God created the earth and he made man, "Adam", in his image...he breathed life into Adam, and gave him the job of caring for the Garden and naming the animals. And in the midst of this, God knew that it was not good for Adam to be alone, but all through the garden, there was no creature compatible with Adam. So He created Eve to be Adam's helper. God knew what loneliness was. Hmm. He created relationship so that loneliness would not occur. Eve was created to be a helper suitable to Adam...God brought her to him. Then, God told them to be fruitful and multiply (ahem..we know what that means.)

And then, God walked with Adam and Eve...in the cool of the day...and talked with them. We speculated tonight about how casual that seemed...how very much like a relationship it was. God enjoyed talking with Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve enjoyed their time with Him.


God placed two trees in the center of the Garden. One was the tree of life. The other, a tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He told them they could eat of anything in the Garden...except for the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil". Eating of it, would lead to death. God gave them a choice. Hmmm. He let them decide.

And as we all know, the serpent came and talked Eve into trying the fruit. He mixed truth with his cunning speech...saying, "surely, you will not die...God knows that if you eat of this you will be like Him...knowing about good and evil". So...she ate it. She chose the words of the serpent...over the words of God. She had let the serpent convince her that God was holding out on her, that He was keeping something from her, that she should find a way to know what only God knew. And that caused me to ask the question...how many times have I ignored what God asked me to do...in order to do something I thought would be a "wise" choice...in order to find my own way? Hmm.

And then, the best part is this...God, knowing full well what they had done, came to find them. Instantly, after eating the apple, both Adam and Eve had been filled with shame at being naked and fear of being found by God...they were hiding when God came near. But instead of accusation, God asked, "Where are you?" And as they emerged from hiding, they told him that they were ashamed. When he asked them what had happened, they blamed each other...they blamed the serpent. So God, being good and perfect and right, God the keeper of His promises...had to stand on His word. Sin, "rebellion", could not stay in His presence. They had chosen not to believe Him. They had chosen their own way...so, their consequence was death. Death to life as they knew it...death to all they had known about their relationship with God...and eventually, physical death.

But God did not stop there. He made them clothes out of animal skins. And that means...that there was a sacrifice that was made...the sacrifice of an innocent animal. Blood was shed. Hmmm. And God covered their shame. Literally, He gave Adam and Eve clothes to cover their nakedness. He still loved them. He still cared for them. Yes, He had to be true to His word, the consequences were evident and real, but He still loved them...and still desired to have a relationship with them. God was still writing the story.

We all know that later, Jesus entered the world, to redeem all that was lost...we didn't talk about that tonight. We talked about the beginning. We talked about the fall. And here is the thing. God didn't spoon feed Adam and Eve. He didn't tell them what they had done wrong...he asked, "Where are you?" and "What did you do?" They had to come to their own realization.

God didn't want to dictate to Adam and Eve about how to love Him. He loved them fully and wholeheartedly, and I think very much wanted their love in return. But He gave them a choice. Life or death. Belief: that God was enough, or unbelief: that somehow God was holding out on them. God gave them a choice.

Because without choice, love is not love at all. And that, is the essence of the gospel, isn't it?

On a very personal level, I feel this lesson tonight.
If there is anything I can cling to, it is that God understands my longing.
God understands my desire.
He knows how it feels to leave the choice of love in someone else's hands.
Because as much as Adam and Eve had enjoyed walking with God in the cool of the day,
their ultimate love and devotion would be shown through choosing Him.
Their lack of choice, separated them from the love and protection of their loving Creator.
As my eyes are opening...I am understanding how His heart must have felt on that day.
And because the story has continued,
I am beginning to understand
how deep His longing must still be for me and for those around me...
to believe Him, to believe that He is enough, to walk with Him in the cool of the day,
to know Him for who He really is,
and to love Him without walking away.
I am beginning to understand,
the importance of the choices that I make.
the importance of choosing love over knowledge.
I am beginning to understand
that He is still redeeming my story...
because I am written into His.

Choose Your Words

Have you ever been on the receiving end of careless words? You know, the words that just can't be true, the words that had never crossed your own mind, the words that cut straight to your heart, making you want to plead with their giver to see things another way? Maybe they were words about you. Words that stripped away your worth. Words that held you captive. Words that confined you to hurtful secrets and painful memories. Words that were strong. Words that came from someone you trusted, someone you loved. And maybe they were strong enough to make you think about them twice. Maybe they were convincing enough to hold in your heart and you began to ask questions like "why?" and "how?" and "now what?".

Have you ever held onto those words long enough that you actually began to believe them? Maybe not, maybe you're one of the smart ones, one of the strong few who is able to follow the age old saying of rubber and glue and never let a negative word affect who you are. Maybe you are able to see the lie straight away and never worry about what others think. But maybe, you are the opposite. Maybe everything anyone has ever suggested or thrown your way has somehow marred you, shaped you, tossed you in a different direction, caused you to wear your heart on your sleeve. Maybe words have been a very powerful part of your life. Maybe you are still hurting and you are still unsure of who you truly are.

I think there are still some of us, who have picked up undetected words. Sure, we have been wise enough to recognize blatant slander and throw it out with the morning trash. We have been careful to stay away from those who would hurt us outright. We have been seasoned and changed enough to forgive a wrong committed against us. And while we are honest about how we feel and love and dream, we certainly do not wear our hearts on our sleeves. But what about the surprises? What about the disappointments? What about the interruptions, when we find ourselves pouring out our hearts in mid-sentence, and the someone we trusted, suddenly walks away, telling us we are not worthwhile, or lovely enough, or fill in the blank? What about the times when we asked for forgiveness and received judgment? What about the times we have asked for a second chance and told that we were undeserving? What about the times when we have loved and have received empty words and promises in return? What about the flippant statements our friends and loved ones jokingly use...about our hair, our clothing, our choices, our stature, our lot in life? Oh, it's just a joke right? We can laugh about it can't we? But do you? When you are looking yourself straight in the mirror, straight in the heart, straight in the way you are looking at your life...are those words shaping you, are they telling you who you are?

And suppose your answer yes. What have they done to you? What have those words told you about your life? Have they told you that you are not enough? Have they told you not to expect very much? Have they told you that even if you did deserve anything you might as well give it away to show that you don't need anything, don't want anything...at least you won't get hurt...at least you'll look better...and then maybe, better words will come your way. People will start saying, "Hey, that person is pretty cool". They will start liking you, inviting you places, being your friend. Pretty soon, you find yourself working to be surrounded by good words, going out of your way to look good, look humble, look nice, say all the right things, do all the right things, perform, perform, perform some more...so that...people won't see the other words. They won't see your fear of not measuring up, your fear of not being the best looking guy or girl, with the best hair and the best clothes, having the most accomplishments and best experiences. They won't see that all this time you have been running to save them and help them and care for them, you have only been after one thing...words...words to tell you that you are worth something.

But suppose you had a friend, who gave you honest words? Of course, friends can still fail you...but this friend knows that and is very up front on this matter as well as does their best to apologize right away. But suppose you had a friend who saw past all the walls you had placed around you. Suppose your friend saw your fears and said, "I love you," anyways. What would you do then? Because your fear is still there. The words are still there. The words would tell you that you didn't need such a friend. The words would tell you that you are doomed to be the worthless person you've always felt yourself to be...at least...always, since the words were given to you so long, or not so long, ago. The words would tell you that you couldn't be that kind of friend back...not really. You wouldn't ever be enough for them would you? They might as well not expect very much of you, might as well never hope that you could love with the same freedom that this friend has been offering to you. They should probably look for a different friend. You would probably be better off on your own...or maybe with someone who didn't expect you to stop believing in your words. So, given the chance, what would you do? Who would you choose? The friend or the words? And let's call those words "fear". Because by now, you are afraid, that all of those words said about you, that you began to say about yourself, that something kept whispering in your ear....are the fears you are now fighting...the fears that keep you up at night...keep you running...keep you from who you know, that you know, that you know, that you know, you want to be deep down inside.

And deep down inside, that person, is so worthwhile. You are worthwhile. If you never picked up another tool to do your work, if you never said another word, if you rolled out bed and didn't do you hair or shave another day in your life. YOU ARE loved. You are worth loving. That's all you need to know. You were created by a God who calls himself "Love". An early mystic once wrote that we were born out of the laughter of the trinity. If you knew your worth, you wouldn't be going around looking for it anymore, trying to fit in somewhere, trying to make your way. You would only believe and rest...kind of like a child who never thinks twice about jumping into his grandparents arms and asking what gifts they have brought from their trip, like a little girl who comfortably sits in her daddy's arms and listens to a story. You would begin to forget the careless words, so carelessly thrown into your hands. You would begin to believe that you belong to a God who makes all things new, who sacrificed His own life just to be with you, who longs to be gracious to you, show you His kindness and provide for you.

I hope that you choose a friend who speaks in an honest language. I hope that you do not try fighting your fear, "the words", alone. A friend will pick up the phone thousands of miles away and cry with you when you don't have the strength to drive home. A friend will hug you every day just to make sure that you are okay. A friend will tell you that you are not too much bear, that you are worth every moment, every effort, and every penny of fighting for. A friend will pick back up where you left off, redeeming any time that was lost. A friend will be honest and tell you the truth, even when it hurts. A friend will fight for you and not give up until the battle is won. A friend will speak life when everything around you seems hopeless and confused. A friend will sit with you quietly when there are no words left to say. A friend rejoices when you have good news. A friend will stand alongside of you to see your dreams come true. A friend will still love you when you choose to walk away. A friend, who is born out God's love, will give you new words to believe in. And even if they do not know all the answers, hopefully they know "The Answer"...and His words make all the difference.

So choose your words. Choose whom you will believe. The fear or the friend? Because even the wounds of a friend are faithful, they are born of love, and hope, and faith. But the wounds of fear will separate and destroy what you have loved...keeping you in disillusion, and telling you that what you loved, that who you are, was never worth anything anyways. And if you are a child of God, deep down inside, you know....that you were meant for more than this captivity to your fear.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

Pursuing Justice

"When the broken ask you to dance, you dance."
~Rob Morris, Love146

I am becoming more and more aware of human trafficking as I think we all are these days...if we are paying any sort of attention to the world around us. And tonight, I discovered this organization: Love146. The more I know, the more I want to take part in pursuing justice. If you want to learn more, read this: Modern Day Slavery.

Stories From the Field from LOVE146 on Vimeo.

Love That Brings You Home

So I'm standing there in the middle of teaching my students...going over answers to a science quiz...talking about which resources two trees are competing for...and it hit me...a picture...laughing together, cooking dinner in the kitchen, a back porch swing. It was totally unrelated to the subject matter, but enough to make me stop and pay attention. And then later this afternoon, I'm just walking down the hall after making copies for my class and all of sudden I'm surprised at my own thinking about how alive, and wanted, and at home...I still feel. And for a little while, my heart was excited, excited about going home tonight...about turning out the lights of my classroom, beating the rush hour traffic, about laughing and dancing and snuggling in close. It always meant the world to me, and it still does now.

If you have a home, and you're walking into the arms of someone you love tonight; if you have a warm dinner planned...be thankful. Forgive each other. Read between the lines. Find a way to make their hearts come alive. And rediscover what truly brought you there in the first place...rediscover why this person, why this place, drew you in and made you come alive. Many of us have forgotten, too many of us are walking away, as if we are unaware that we have been loved by a God who has never given up on us. I've heard too many disheartening stories lately. It takes courage to believe that love is more than a feeling, to believe that love can be reborn. It takes two...to believe again, to hope for more, to trust that God can make all things new. If you're out there tonight, stuck between starting again and walking away for good, and you're wondering what to do, and you're afraid...come home...home is waiting for you...to tell you that everything is going to be okay. It's never too late to start again...it's never too late to ask God for a second chance. It's never too late to walk in the door...and find what you've been out there looking for all along.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13

History in the Making...

I found this on a friend's blog tonight. Thought it would be good to share.

Thoughts and Resolutions

"I said to the man at the gate of the year,
'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
And he replied,
'Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God.
That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.' "
-M.L. Haskins

I would have to say that this is probably one of the best New Year's Eve experiences I have had in awhile. I was not alone, rather surrounded by family and by friends. I was not out trying to prove that I could be at the coolest party, or trying to dress up only to feel empty upon my return home. I was not affected by a touch of alcohol or any other substance. I was not crying or upset or experiencing any other dramatic feeling. Tonight was just simple and quiet and comforting. The hours flew by as I visited with friends and before I knew it, we were counting down with Dick Clark on television. And then we hugged and kissed each other as friends and family do, wishing everyone a Happy New Year. And I was okay. There, it only took 30 years to realize what's important on a night like tonight...simplicity, relationships, and thankfulness.

On the way home, I stopped for gas, knowing I had 40 minutes of driving and about 30 minutes until my gas light came on...not a good night for getting stranded. So, of course, I'm standing there pumping gas, when some guy walks up to me. Mind you, I just watched "Taken" 3 nights ago. Something about a strange guy acting all friendly asking why I'm out on my own kind of put me on guard. But I grew up in NY...I know how to act tough. So that's what I do...limited but purposed eye contact, brief statements, no extra information offered. He offered his hand and told me his name. We exchanged a few words and then he mentioned he didn't want to make things awkward. As he turned to leave, I reached out to shake his hand...and although I had said "Happy New Year" to all of my friends and family already tonight...saying so to this guy felt more significant...like I was offering a blessing to a stranger. I cried on the way home about it, I don't know why; and then I prayed for him. Because all I could think about was the fact that I had to be on the defense, but what I really wanted was to share the love of Christ with him. I could see the searching in his eyes. I want to find a way to reach more people like that ...and answer the unspoken questions they are asking.

As I held a brand new little one in my lap tonight and talked to his mom, she asked me how I was. I had to tell her that I don't even know how to wrap up this past year. I have hundreds of pictures but I cannot even create one Facebook picture collage. I had amazing experiences traveling, loving, learning and I really cannot hold on to very many of the memories. They are attached to something that has ceased to exist, and I feel as if I am not allowed to even rejoice in the fact that these experiences were mine to have. Everything I have built upon, made room for, and invested in seems to have either disappeared or fallen apart. Yay, Happy New Year right? (insert smile connotating a hint of sarcasm)

In a devotional I read today I was reminded that talking about the disappointments for too long would lead nowhere, but talking about God's goodness and faithfulness would begin to create an atmosphere of expectancy, an atmosphere where it possible to overcome what we are going through. So, while I do not deny the pain and questions I have been facing, I also cannot deny the love that has been revealed through all of this. I have an amazing support team...unconditional love coming from family and friends...many of whom have sacrificed time just to talk or to pray. I have a God who is chasing after me, telling me about the beauty He has created, whispering to me about the fact that He wants to bless my heart and make me come alive. We are never truly alone. And for this I am so thankful.

Before I left my parents tonight I played some songs for them...satisfying their requests was long overdue...and I could not end the year in silence. As I played, I remembered the reason that I sing... "On the other side, of these hopes that I have carried, on the other side, in the shadow of the cross, on the other side, of a broken heart and spirit, on the other side, I find You..." On the other side of 2009 may we all find that we are loved by a God who is chasing after our hearts and waiting to show us even more.

Psalm 27:13-14
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Merry Christmas

I did not venture out to Christmas mass tonight. I usually love the beauty of such a service on Christmas Eve night. Instead, I found the Pope on television. Did you know that he has to walk the distance of 1 1/2 football fields just to get to the place where he will deliver the Liturgy? He sits in a chair and very calmly speaks his message, appearing almost as if his message would be dry and boring and hard to understand, but the words are powerful and beautiful. The Liturgy tonight was exactly about what I was thinking...exactly what I wanted to blog...so...I will leave this particular message up to Pope Benedict. I have posted some excerpts, but the entirety of it can be found at the link below. If you take a moment to read, I assure you that you will not be disappointed. Christmas Message 2009

Highlights from the message:

"The first thing we are told about the shepherds is that they were on the watch they could hear the message precisely because they were awake. We must be awake, so that we can hear the message. We must become truly vigilant people. What does this mean?

The principal difference between someone dreaming and someone awake is that the dreamer is in a world of his own. His "self" is locked into this dreamworld that is his alone and does not connect him with others. To wake up means to leave that private world of one's own and to enter the common reality, the truth that alone can unite all people.

Conflict and lack of reconciliation in the world stem from the fact that we are locked into our own interests and opinions, into our own little private world. Selfishness, both individual and collective, makes us prisoners of our interests and our desires that stand against the truth and separate us from one another. Awake, the Gospel tells us. Step outside, so as to enter the great communal truth, the communion of the one God. To awake, then, means to develop a receptivity for God: for the silent promptings with which he chooses to guide us; for the many indications of his presence."

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"God is important, by far the most important thing in our lives. The shepherds teach us this priority. From them we should learn not to be crushed by all the pressing matters in our daily lives. From them we should learn the inner freedom to put other tasks in second place however important they may be so as to make our way towards God, to allow him into our lives and into our time. Time given to God and, in his name, to our neighbour is never time lost. It is the time when we are most tr uly alive, when we live our humanity to the full."

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"Some commentators point out that the shepherds, the simple souls, were the first to come to Jesus in the manger and to encounter the Redeemer of the world. The wise men from the East, representing those with social standing and fame, arrived much later. The commentators go on to say: this is quite natural. The shepherds lived nearby. They only needed to "come over" (cf. Lk 2:15), as we do when we go to visit our neighbours.

The wise men, however, lived far away. They had to undertake a long and arduous journey in order to arrive in Bethlehem. And they needed guidance and direction. Today too there are simple and lowly souls who live very close to the Lord. They are, so to speak, his neighbours and they can easily go to see him.

But most of us in the world today live far from Jesus Christ, the incarnate God who came to dwell amongst us.

We live our lives by philosophies, amid worldly affairs and occupations that totally absorb us and are a great distance from the manger. In all kinds of ways, God has to prod us and reach out to us again and again, so that we can manage to escape from the muddle of our thoughts and activities and discover the way that leads to him.

But a path exists for all of us.

The Lord provides everyone with tailor-made signals. He calls each one of us, so that we too can say: "Come on, 'let us go over' to Bethlehem to the God who has come to meet us."

Yes indeed, God has set out towards us. Left to ourselves we could not reach him. The path is too much for our strength. But God has come down. He comes towards us. He has travelled the longer part of the journey. Now he invites us: come and see how much I love you. Come and see that I am here."

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"God's sign is his humility.

God's sign is that he makes himself small; he becomes a child; he lets us touch him and he asks for our love.

How we would prefer a different sign, an imposing, irresistible sign of God's power and greatness! But his sign summons us to faith and love, and thus it gives us hope: this is what God is like.

He has power, he is Goodness itself. He invites us to become like him.

Yes indeed, we become like God if we allow ourselves to be shaped by this sign; if we ourselves learn humility and hence true greatness; if we renounce violence and use only the weapons of truth and love."

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"Origen, taking up one of John the Baptist's sayings, saw the essence of paganism expressed in the symbol of stones: paganism is a lack of feeling, it means a heart of stone that is incapable of loving and perceiving God's love. Origen says of the pagans: "Lacking feeling and reason, they are transformed into stones and wood" (in Lk 22:9).

Christ, though, wishes to give us a heart of flesh. When we see him, the God who became a child, our hearts are opened. In the Liturgy of the holy night, God comes to us as man, so that we might become truly human. Let us listen once again to Origen: "Indeed, what use would it be to you that Christ once came in the flesh if he did not enter your soul? Let us pray that he may come to us each day, that we may be able to say: I live, yet it is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me (Gal 2:20)" (in Lk 22:3).

Yes indeed, that is what we should pray for on this Holy Night. Lord Jesus Christ, born in Bethlehem, come to us! Enter within me, within my soul. Transform me. Renew me. Change me, change us all from stone and wood into living people, in whom your love is made present and the world is transformed. Amen."

Amazing Grace

This is Monti and I with his band a few weeks ago. We played at The Rutledge for a fundraiser that benefited kids with cancer. Ginny Owens was the headliner. I was so thankful that Monti asked me to play this song. Every time I sing it, I feel as if I am singing my own testimony. Here is a link to the entire set: Monti & Friends



This is Monti's song.."I Am Nothing"..you will love it.

A Place To Rest My Head

I've been thinking about home for the past week or so...thinking about where home is found...thinking about who and what truly defines being home. I've been thinking about my friends, my acquaintances, my family, myself.

Some of us are physically living in a brand new house this December, living in between newly built walls and fresh paint. Some of us are hearing the cries of newborn babies we never expected only one year ago. A few of us have found love and have decided to make it official, and it's fresh and new and perfectly what and who we had been hoping for. A great many of us have found community this year. We have found a sincere friend or two, a vision to run after, a support system, common ground, and the realization that we are not alone.

Then, there are some of us are coming home tonight with one less person to hold onto. Some of us have lost our best friends. Some of us have lost the belief that home will ever be found. Others have moved to another state or country...far away from the familiar soil and communities that bring them comfort and the actual feeling of belonging. They may have chosen the move. They may not have. Some of us miss the places we have come from. Some of us are still running as far as we can without wanting to look back.

Some have found the release of forgiveness this year. Some have found the place and the courage to begin building again. Some of us have looked and found beauty among the ashes. Some have found God for the first time. Some of us have found truth after so many years of confusion and lies. Some are truly free. Some have hope.

Some will sleep tonight on a park bench, in a tent, or at a rescue mission. Some will sleep in houses that have yet to see the fulfillment of the dreams that were born in them. Others will sleep and take for granted the walls and blessings that surround them.

But every one of us will say..."I'm going home." And where will home be?

Tonight, I sit quietly in Florida, beside a Christmas tree, down the hall from where my parents sleep. And I never meant to call Florida home. It was the last place I ever expected to be. I was born in small town New York, running on the land where my grandfather played, later taking on the streets of a city I never wanted to move to, but then grew to love. And after many moves all over the state and all through my childhood, my Heavenly Father began to call to my heart and beckon me, on my own, to cities, towns, homes, and people I never would have imagined. I never wanted to leave the places and the people that I left behind. I never wanted to forget or be forgotten. Sometimes I was afraid. Sometimes I would drag my feet. Sometimes I ran back to where I came from only to find it was never the same. Sometimes I felt very, very alone. But when all was said and done how could I not move forward? How could I not continue with the storyline of this great adventure that was being written for me and in me?

Tonight, I am remembering that although I sit in this living room alone, it will not be forever. I will not feel alone forever. After highschool, when the door had shut to go to college in the mountains of North Carolina, I prayed, and said, "God, if you're going to keep me here in NY, I need friends, good friends, friends that will lead me to you." And He has never stopped answering that prayer. Wherever I have gone, He has given me friends. And He has done a work in my family. He has brought us closer together. And although we all live miles away from each other, God is working in us, bringing us more and more freedom to love each other well. Tonight, I am remembering that my home is in Him. He is here, in this room, in this house, in this family. But He is there, in my future, in the places I will live, in the people whose paths I will cross. Christ has given me a home and it is the hope I will carry. I have to trust that He will be enough and will bring me to the places and the people where I can truly say, "God saw my need and He gave me a place to rest my head."

It does not matter where home has been in the past. It does not matter what it looks like now. What matters is that in Christ, I always have a home...and with Him I will never be without comfort. I am so thankful that He has given me a family and friends to hold me through this season.

Nora

Yesterday I was met with the news that a friend had passed. I remember her sweet, sweet spirit. I remember the season when I knew her most. It was a season of God showing himself in such a genuine way to a very thankful group of friends. It was a season when we all knew love a little bit better. I've been gone for quite awhile and haven't seen her for longer. But I remember her. And I still have dear friends who knew her more. Their hearts are broken this weekend and shocked at such a sudden loss. God is with us. He is still with us, holding us, holding her. She's dancing with Jesus this morning. She's laughing and enjoying the best foods of the Kingdom. She's at home...a place that we should all be longing for...a place that hopefully we will all find ourselves one day.

Lay down softly in our sorrow
Lay down sister to die
And cover over, my sweet Father
Cover over her eyes

Your broken body, it cannot weather
The years your youth still longs to spend
So go down graceful, sleep with the angels
And wake up whole again

‘Cause it was not your time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took your life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

Slower passing are the hours
To tell this tale that takes its time
But the finest moment, no man can measure
Is to look your Savior in the eyes

So take her tender to Your table
Take her from this killing floor
To taste the water that is forever
Let her be thirsty no more

It was not her time; that's a useless line
A fallen world took her life

But the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, sister, lay down

And the God that sometimes can't be found
Will wrap Himself around you
So lay down, Rita, lay down

Penguins

At the very beginning of this year, my class and I read about penguins. We read about their characteristics, their relationships, the environment they live in. And for some reason, we have continued to talk about penguins throughout the year.

I was struck by the way that penguins must huddle together in the severest of cold in order to survive. Standing or walking alone would bring certain death. They need one another.

And so, one day, in the midst of the classroom chaos I began to lecture my kids on the importance of working together...and I began to talk about the penguins...by the time I was finished...we were like the penguins and we needed to huddle together.

Every so often, we talk about our need to huddle...to get the job done, to support one another. But it's not a daily thing...and not something I would think my kids would think about upon leaving school.

Today was full of beautiful moments. We sat on the carpet so excited to give each other gifts. I don't usually get a whole lot of gifts from my students but this year is different. This year, quite a few came in with beautifully wrapped gifts saying, "Can you open it now?!" To which I surprisingly responded that we would wait until the party (because usually I cannot wait very long to open any gift).

So, there we were...sitting together in a circle. And I had to tell them finally why their teacher had not answered their pointed questions in the past few weeks. Why I might have seemed sad. They sympathized..asked questions. I smoothed it all over, giving them assurance that not all hope was lost. And then, I handed them each a pair of new gloves stuffed with a candy canes, Christmas pencils, and fun erasers. They loved them. I told them that the point of the gloves was to remind them, over the holidays, that when they felt alone or sad or when things got particularly hard, they were not alone, they had a hand to hold. It's our new saying, "You are not alone". We are learning to encourage each other. So, with gloves on each hand and excited little bodies that could hardly contain themselves, I got to enjoy the gifts that each child had picked out for me. A new mug to drink my hot tea (I so totally needed one), a few cards which I of course read out loud for the class to hear, lotion, a candle holder, and a cupcake mix with all the ingredients and tools put together (so cute). Each opened gift was followed by a hug and a thank you and several comments by the class. It was like a little family enjoying Christmas day together. Several more cards were passed out to the rest of the class. Several more moments of enjoying each other's company.

And this is the gift that brought tears to my eyes and let me know that this year, the penguins are not just penguins, they are an example of how to survive and weather the storm. My students are listening. God is listening. and maybe, just maybe...I have been listening too.

Good News

I found my boots today! And of all the places...it was in the exact spot where I searched frantically several times earlier this week as I was trying to rush out the door. It made my day and after the long, and melancholy post of yesterday I thought I should update with some good news. At least one thing was found...there, there...that didn't take long.

In other news, my apartment is cleaner now than it has been for a very long time. That is something to come home to. I also realized that I know my way better around Nashville than I had thought. I didn't get lost on the East side tonight...and that was a very good feeling.

Holding On

For the past two days I have not been able to find my favorite pair of brown boots. I have looked everywhere. I can't find them. I have a favorite math book that I have been so excited to use with my kids in the classroom. Ever since my last sub, I cannot find it anywhere. I have looked almost every day for two weeks. I'm sitting here tonight with the sound of emptiness. The Christmas lights are shining, my mac is singing Peter Bradley Adams, a phone call, a few texts, and an overwhelming feeling of a weekend all alone.

Rob Bell said that most people have not allowed the empty place to open up inside of them. I am trying to let it open up. I don't know what that looks like though or what to do once it is opened. When he was speaking Wednesday night, all I could think about was the homeless people sitting outside...and how I wanted them to come in...or maybe I wanted to go sit with them. They were my Monday night friends, and now Mondays are a closed door. And I struggled with hearing the message of how suffering brings out creativity...how suffering shapes us...how we are not alone, how we have a God who came and screamed alongside of us. I struggled because I wanted to be outside in the cold, sitting with the people who have been placed on my heart this year...not in a room hearing how the suffering I was going through was good for me.

All of this loss. And I think the reason it is so hard at this time of year...is because this time of year is about relationships and being with the ones you love and loving better. Such a magnified time of relationship and love.

From just about everyone I hear...write, sing, embrace it and let God use it. And to that I say, I no longer chase the dream...it is chasing me. I have written one song. One, since this whole ordeal began. It's lyrics are pure and honest...full of the weight that any song should have the responsibility of carrying. But I drag my feet honestly. I don't want the music. I don't want the exposure. I don't want it...if I have to go at it alone. I sang for World Relief last night...sang to the nations...and it was a beautiful opportunity and experience. But I didn't want to carry my guitar into the cold air and drive home in the silence. I didn't want to sit with facebook in my quiet apartment. There was no reason to make dinner for myself...so I made chili for 70 people the next day.

I am so aware of loss. So much so that I see it in my students. I understand what they are going through. So young...they are dealing with death, violence, deportation, family separations, losing friends, moving...not to mention being a kid and learning who they are in the world. And I just have realized that if I am so blessed to have resources and tools and faith to make me stronger...and it's still this hard...how in the world are they carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is the issue we will begin to face in my class...the issue of making it through, of holding on to hope, of finding a way to cope and healing and finding the good in every situation.

I have not shared anything personal with my students. I just haven't had the heart to. They still believe that all is well, and life is as it was in their teacher's world. But they are so in tune...so in tune with the changing of the seasons. Without being too explicit, I will say that although they do not know...they know...and they have drawn me pictures of hope this week.

We are helping each other through. One my students said today, "I don't want to go home. I want to stay with you." I kind of felt that way too.



"Miss T., this is all of us hugging you. And this is --- running to get in the picture."









Me: "Why did you draw this?"
Student: "I don't know...it's a broken heart and then it came back together. The butterflies are for love."














We read "The Purple Balloon" with the school counselor today. "The two heart balloons are going up to the sun so that they can shine."















(abstract but I see a sunrise)

Thank you @PeterBradleyAdams

The Truth

I think we all know that we can go through times of great joy and times of great discouragement. And then there are all the in between times, when we are wondering what the outcome will be, which side we should stand on, who or what to really believe and place our hope in, what words to pray. We go through times when answers are few and far between and we try desperately to hold on to what we have known, except what we thought we knew to be absolutely true also seems to slowly slip away.

I am starting to believe that everyone should be so blessed to see their circumstances fall away. They were never true anyways. Your dreams, your house, your relationships, your job, your ability to physically and mentally meet the challenges of everyday life, your financial security could be entirely gone tomorrow. And then what? Who would you be? What would your truth be then?

Mostly, we as a nation, we as people, are consumed with ourselves and our ability to have more fun, feel more secure, have the approval of as many as we can, acquire as many possessions as our little hearts delight in. Of course, we do like to give and to care for others in need, it makes us feel better about ourselves...we become stronger, deeper, more likable in the end. If we're really honest, we like ourselves better for having reached out.

But how many of us have reached out in discomfort? How many of us have loved through a very closed and padlocked door? Have we been patient when someone else's decision affects our own decisions? Have we been kind when we were unfairly treated, when we have been abandoned and bruised? Have we allowed someone to walk away from us without holding it against them in spite and in bitterness? Have we allowed them to return with no record of past grievances? Have we continued to protect the ones who have left us alone with no promise of a returned effort? Do we still hope, do we still persevere even after the last battle seems to have been lost? Even after the death of something we held so dear? What happened to laying our lives down? What happened to loving no matter what the cost?

I'm talking to myself here. I'm looking at my life and seeing how attracted I am to being loved at every moment. How attracted I am to feeling comfortable and safe and cherished. And those things are good, so good. But what about the days when I feel unlovely, unworthy and so much less that who I really want to be? Who will love me then? I know God will love me. But my question is, who will love me in the unlovely moments? And the bigger, deeper question this leads to...who will I love in the confusing, unlovely, ugly, tiring, disheartening moments? Am I willing to subject myself to someone else's mess? Am I willing to stand strong when everything else is falling down? Am I willing to change? Am I willing to listen? Am I willing to trust?

And when I speak of trust...Who do we really trust? If our answer is ourselves, we will end up empty and disappointed every time. If we depend only on ourselves, we will become the miserly, selfish people we would never have wanted to see ourselves associated with. I am speaking of trusting in God. I am speaking of allowing God to place people in our lives, then trusting Him to help us love those people and even more, opening the door for them to love us back. Trusting in a person will be disappointing at some point. Every one of us is imperfect, and we will fail one another. But God never fails. His promises always come to pass...even when it looks like He wasn't listening...He was. God loves us. He is always working, He cares when no one else seems to. If we could learn trust in a perfect God who loves us without condition, then maybe we could learn to love one another better, we could learn what it means to stay faithful when everything else falls apart.

This is the hope I woke up with this morning. Late hours on the phone with my little brother, who is not so little anymore. He spoke to me about love last night, about how it can last even when hope is gone, how it is more than feeling good and everything being perfect. It is about steadfastness. It is about laying down our own agendas and showing support and loyalty and so many other things. Even after what seems to like death, love rises again and promises a better future than what has been in the past. Love is deeper and wider and higher and longer than I ever imagined. And this morning, I am filled with that hope...that there's always more to the picture.

This is the verse that kept playing over and over in my head yesterday and I am beginning to realize it's depth. My circumstances have been falling away and the truth I thought to be true. But here is a new truth beaming through the curtain of my questions:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

In my adversity my brother (and sister and parents for that matter) have brought hope and strength to my life. My friends are loving me well. But even more, if I call myself a friend, I too must love at ALL times, even when it is not convenient or comfortable or rewarding. I must walk in love because I walk with a God who has never stopped loving me. (1 Cor.13)

Immigration

I sat at my reading table this morning calling students over for reading assessments. When one particular student sat down I realized that we were in for a longer conversation, and it wasn't going to begin with any kind of reading. "Miss T. the police came and took my dad away yesterday. He's not allowed to live here anymore. They're sending him back to Salvador." This student went on to tell me that he had been crying and how much he missed his dad. He only had the hope of visiting at the end of the school year. The one thing that seemed to make him smile was the promise from his dad that he would send them anything they needed and lots of gifts for Christmas. His mom packed up all his clothes in a box last night...my student drew him a picture of a race car or something along those lines and stuck it in the box as well.

I keep thinking about this situation. I keep thinking about the mom and how she just had a baby a few short weeks ago. She now has to move in with her brother in order to care for her children. She doesn't have the warmth of her husband at night. She has to stay here in the U.S. and care for her family without the husband she loves. I know all the politics about illegal immigration, the need for paperwork, but tonight I could care less. When you look at the faces of families who are trying to live a better life, of the children who are bright with hope for the future, how in the world can you forget that this country is about families working for a better future, for freedom and for hope? I heard stories of interrogations and searches at my reading table this morning. It seems like such a different life.

And tonight, my little student is going to bed in a land far, far away from his daddy. A daddy who was not even allowed to say goodbye. This is my first experience with such things but according to stories I heard today, it is not uncommon. Have we closed our doors? Has the high society club met their maximum occupancy? Or am I oblivious and ignorant to some kind of explanation here? I want to know why immigration is such a problem. I guess I have some research to do.

Identity

I'm in the middle of reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning...so good, talking about our identity and being loved apart from performance. Tonight, I ran across this quote by Henry Nouwen...

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

So good. Thought I'd share.