Two seconds into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I could see myself driving away in my overpacked car, windows down, narrator speaking in the background of what lay behind and what lay ahead...kind of like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could finally see it. The thing I had longed for, and lost track of, and gained back, and wished would take it's time. I could see the point of letting go, once again facing the open road, and starting a new chapter. The song continued to play and I realized that I was in the middle of close friends, celebrating a wedding. I tucked the picture into the back of my mind and tuned in to the vows being shared.
I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.
This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.
This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.
The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.
Monday, March 31
Thursday, March 27
Sunday, March 16
Questions and Answers
So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
Saturday, March 15
It Won't Be Long...
Won't be long and I will wake up to the sounds of a new city.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Monday, March 3
Reflection
Classic Reflections on Easter
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
I Sure Would Like to Know...
I spent the weekend mostly in the comfort of my apartment...sleeping in, taking naps...playing my guitar...emailing...washing sheets and towels...yeah, that's about it. There are times to be running all over the city, chasing friends, chasing excitement...and there are times to be still and quiet. This weekend was definitely meant for stillness and quietness.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
Sunday, March 2
Famous Dreams
I keep having dreams about famous people. Billy and Franklin Graham have been in my dreams more than once. I have also met two big name musicians and have asked them about songwriting and performing. In all the dreams I am searching and asking questions that they seem to have answers to. The only one that asked me questions was Donald Trump, he wanted me to go into business with him. Interesting...
Sunday, February 24
Sunday Night at the Coffee House....
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Seeking the Kingdom
I asked a good friend of mine one night as we sat together on a Riverside park bench what he was sure of. I don't remember his answer or my exact words for that matter. What I do remember was the feeling that all was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop the time.
It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.
There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.
My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.
My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.
If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.
Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.
And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.
Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.
There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.
My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.
My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.
If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.
Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.
And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.
Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Thursday, February 21
Hit and Run
After work tonight I headed out into the rain to get to the studio. I wanted to lay down tracks for 3 more songs. Distracted for a moment by a phone call, I forgot to turn onto the correct street. I hung up the phone and kept driving...trying to figure out how to get back on track. It worked, and I knew I'd get there with plenty of time to get things done. I got ready to to make another turn, rolled to a stop, checked the traffic to my left and promptly felt my car make impact with something and bounce backwards. I realized, after a moment, that I had rolled into the truck in front of me...it was obviously my mistake...and not one that I have ever made before.
The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.
I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.
Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.
After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.
The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.
I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.
Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.
After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.
Thursday, February 14
Ode To Valentine's Day
Tomorrow I will wear pink
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.
I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)
Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.
I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)
Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.
Tuesday, February 5
Undivided
If I kept going at this rate I would pass the mark for a 60 hour work week. And that's just where it begins...I finally started adding it all up in my head. Getting up early, going to bed late...keeping up (or still falling behind) with paper work, making time for friends and family, wishing for more time with worship and song. There are not enough hours in the day according to my schedule. I find myself wanting to retreat to a quiet place, wanting to drop it all and find peace again.
In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.
It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.
Psalm 86:11 -
In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.
It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.
Psalm 86:11 -
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
Sunday, February 3
Hold Me Close
Keep my heart so close to yours
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow
Tuesday, January 29
Confession of a Teacher
The biggest worry I have as a teacher...is that I have not esteemed my students enough.
Did I encourage so and so today? Did I take the time to listen to what was important to them? Did I reason with them when they needed redirection? Did I allow them to take up their own responsibility?
Or was I too rushed to stop and listen to their questions about the world? Was I too focused to see what was really going on? Did my agenda really line up with their needs?
Do I cause them to want to learn about the world? Do I instill in them a love of research and learning? Do I lift them up and esteem them so that they will have the confidence to continue?
Confessions of a teacher:
Today, it was easier to plough through the lesson than it was to comfort and encourage.
It was easier to silence the confusion rather than speak to the heart of the situation.
It was easier to share my own frustrations rather than empathize and discern how to be patient with their concerns.
It was easier to walk in silence rather than share in a delightful conversation.
I remember being a child and needing affirmation. I am an adult and I need that now. I want to know that I am doing a good job. I want the freedom to be independent and make my own decisions. I want attention and love. If I could just figure out a way to balance this realization and my reaction to their attempts at learning....then maybe we would have more peace.
My own patience basically depleted...I am in need of God's help. These children have been entrusted to me. They are so precious...each and every one. They are with me for just a season...and I know that they are assigned to my classroom for a reason. Lord, show me how to love them...show me how to teach them...show me how to draw out the best in them. I never wanted to be the frustrated teacher. I never wanted to be the one who grew bitter because I did not understand my students.
Tomorrow, I will try again.
Did I encourage so and so today? Did I take the time to listen to what was important to them? Did I reason with them when they needed redirection? Did I allow them to take up their own responsibility?
Or was I too rushed to stop and listen to their questions about the world? Was I too focused to see what was really going on? Did my agenda really line up with their needs?
Do I cause them to want to learn about the world? Do I instill in them a love of research and learning? Do I lift them up and esteem them so that they will have the confidence to continue?
Confessions of a teacher:
Today, it was easier to plough through the lesson than it was to comfort and encourage.
It was easier to silence the confusion rather than speak to the heart of the situation.
It was easier to share my own frustrations rather than empathize and discern how to be patient with their concerns.
It was easier to walk in silence rather than share in a delightful conversation.
I remember being a child and needing affirmation. I am an adult and I need that now. I want to know that I am doing a good job. I want the freedom to be independent and make my own decisions. I want attention and love. If I could just figure out a way to balance this realization and my reaction to their attempts at learning....then maybe we would have more peace.
My own patience basically depleted...I am in need of God's help. These children have been entrusted to me. They are so precious...each and every one. They are with me for just a season...and I know that they are assigned to my classroom for a reason. Lord, show me how to love them...show me how to teach them...show me how to draw out the best in them. I never wanted to be the frustrated teacher. I never wanted to be the one who grew bitter because I did not understand my students.
Tomorrow, I will try again.
The Great Unknown
Every note drives me further than the one before.
Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?
But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.
And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.
Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?
But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.
And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.
Wednesday, January 23
Where He Is
I knew it would happen...the moment that I made the decision. I knew it would come to making the same choice again and again. I knew that I would have to let go. I knew that I would have to start all over again. And yet I chose this road. Not because I knew all the answers. Not because it seemed the prettiest or the best. But only because it was the road that brought pure life to my heart.
Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?
It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.
I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.
We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.
My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.
My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.
I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)
Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?
It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.
I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.
We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.
My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.
My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.
I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)
Saturday, January 5
Fighting for Life
I sat up until early morning hours with my roomate deep in conversation. And the question that burned in my mind as we talked also woke up with me this morning as the sun came through my windows.
What am I fighting for?
Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?
Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.
But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.
Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????
How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???
It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.
When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.
No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.
And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?
True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.
Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?
Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.
He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.
It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.
What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.
What am I fighting for?
Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?
Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.
But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.
Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????
How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???
It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.
When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.
No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.
And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?
True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.
Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?
Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.
He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.
It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.
What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.
Tuesday, January 1
New Year
Well, it is a new year....which calls for a new post. :)
Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.
I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.
I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.
I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?
There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.
In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."
We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.
But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?
Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.
So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.
Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.
I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.
I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.
I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?
There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.
In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."
We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.
But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?
Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.
So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.
Monday, December 31
New Year
Break forth o great song
from my lips and from my heart
break forth and tell of the wonders He has done
Let the rivers burst from their riverbanks
Let the rains explode from the clouds
And let all that is within me praise the God I love.
In this season, I am learning the heart of God.
I see my frailties. I see my weaknesses.
I see that I could so easily give up and I have done so.
But He has not given up on me. I feel His fervency in the depths of my soul.
I have waited longer than I have wanted to.
I have come to the end of myself and I see that there is more.
I have sung out my songs only to find that I still need to dig deeper for the spring of energy that would burst forth from the very depths of who I am.
I am waiting and breaking through.
Such a small beginning and yet it seems so grand. I want to hold it in my hands...secure the things I think I see. And yet, those dreams are not safe with me. They are safe with Him. And I must cling to Him, run after His heart, hold fast to what I know to be true. Without Him, all of this would be meaningless.
His plans are greater than my own.
There is more.
And in this new year my prayer is to run with God and to wholeheartedly follow the path He has set before me.
from my lips and from my heart
break forth and tell of the wonders He has done
Let the rivers burst from their riverbanks
Let the rains explode from the clouds
And let all that is within me praise the God I love.
In this season, I am learning the heart of God.
I see my frailties. I see my weaknesses.
I see that I could so easily give up and I have done so.
But He has not given up on me. I feel His fervency in the depths of my soul.
I have waited longer than I have wanted to.
I have come to the end of myself and I see that there is more.
I have sung out my songs only to find that I still need to dig deeper for the spring of energy that would burst forth from the very depths of who I am.
I am waiting and breaking through.
Such a small beginning and yet it seems so grand. I want to hold it in my hands...secure the things I think I see. And yet, those dreams are not safe with me. They are safe with Him. And I must cling to Him, run after His heart, hold fast to what I know to be true. Without Him, all of this would be meaningless.
His plans are greater than my own.
There is more.
And in this new year my prayer is to run with God and to wholeheartedly follow the path He has set before me.
Monday, December 10
Safety
My brother and his girlfriend decided to clean the house Sunday morning instead of attending church. If you click on this link you will find out what happened that morning.
Colorado Shooting
All I have to say is that I am so thankful for God's protection. Josh and Amber would have been at this place, at this time. It is so hard to understand these happenings. And it is so humbling to see when God orders our steps out of harm's way.
Colorado Shooting
All I have to say is that I am so thankful for God's protection. Josh and Amber would have been at this place, at this time. It is so hard to understand these happenings. And it is so humbling to see when God orders our steps out of harm's way.
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