Is it possible to walk forward when you do not know which direction is forward? Is forward always the obvious answer? It's time for me to start walking. Time to stop contemplating the consequences if I do make a wrong choice. I need to just make a choice and stick with it. Then, trust that God will right all the things I am sure to screw up along the way. Having "arrived" at one of my arrival points just recently...young and independent with a college degree...I find that I am totally dependent on God and still have a long ways to go. But to where? Where is my real destination? The whole point really is that I am on a journey. But unlike "choose your own adventure" I can't go back and read the book again. I have to choose and totally invest my heart and my life to those things that I do choose. I can't look back. So how do I look forward? That's my question of the evening.

In the midst of holding together a chaotic first grade classroom today I realized that time is a necessary process within the art of teaching. There was no way that smooth transitions and awe inspiring lessons would occur on the first day of class. Today was the my third day with them and I think I almost caught 20 seconds of silence as some kind of information, I assume, was flowing into their little minds. The rest of our time was spent with reminders about talking out of turn and roaming around the classroom and staying on task. Three of them have cried because I held them accountable for their choices. I hate holding them to the consequences more than they hate receiving them. My conscience reminds me, however, that allowing their disobedience of the rules would be hurting them even more.

So when does it happen? When will they be happy to learn the vital information I am required to give them? When will they be ready to set their attention on the lessons I have prepared? How do I turn their entertainment-geared learning tenticles to a direction that teaches them the value of self-motivation and discipline? How do I inspire these young hearts to dig and to search for truth? How do I guide them to solve problems that they deal with every day? My goodness, these kids are only in first grade!

One day at a time. One lesson at a time. One moment. One look. One hug. And somehow, someday I'll be able to teach them what they really need to learn. The information will get through to them not because I told them, but because I built a bridge and showed them how to cross it. A bridge cannot be built in a day. But it can be built. It will be built. God help me build it.

Father, take me up from here
Spirit lead me on

We think we are free until one day God shows up and breaks another chain that held us down. I thought I had left a relationship five years ago, thought that all was done. The truth was that although I had physically and emotionally left, there was a part of my heart that still attached itself to a secret hope. It was so secret in fact that sometimes I forgot it was even there. And then, all of sudden, this relationship resurfaces, and so many questions began.

This relationship began 10 years ago, and although I would never admit it outright, I am sure that I loved him from the very beginning. He got under my skin though, irritated me for the first few years of highschool. But somewhere in there, he grew on me and I cherished his friendship. I didn't want to let him go, so I kissed him and held his hand. I told him I loved him. I remember his tears before he left, and I remember mine. The season of childhood seemed to end too soon.

After highschool, our relationship spiraled downward. I went from a summer of partying into the arms of a God who loved me and who brought the healing I was so desperately needing. He went into the military and became hardened and distant. We had talked about marriage. We had planned our futures together. The dreams died right in front of our eyes.

So as time passed, I moved on. So did he. I did not expect to see him, but I always hoped I would. For awhile I searched for him, tried to find out where he was or what he was up to. Then, I remember telling God that I would stop the search. After all, I had a whole new life, I had given my heart to the Lord. I knew that loving this guy would cause me to compromise the truth that I had come to know.

Four years later, I received a phone call saying that he was searching for me. Hearing his voice after so long...what can I say? All I know was that God used that time to begin a year of reconciliation and restoration. Everything that had caused hurt between us was forgiven. Within that year he became engaged to another girl and it broke my heart. God helped me in that time to truly let go all over again. And then they separated. And somehow, after five years we saw each other face to face. And all the emotion returned.

Imagine that for one day you can go back and relive a day all over again. I got to do that. We talked, we laughed. He held my hand and he kissed me. And at the end of the day, I did not want to let him go.

But I was faced with a choice. I longed to be with him again. Longed for his friendship, to be near to someone so familiar and so comfortable. But He was still searching for God. He was so close. So should I wait it out? Or should I leave him in the hands of God? I chose the latter.

I chose not to stand in the way of Shawn's pain. He offered his love, his heart, his life to me and I had to say no. Because if I said yes, he would not have gone to God to be healed, to be saved. I would have spent the rest of my life trying to lead him to a place that only the Holy Spirit could lead him. It was not my journey to take, it was his. Dear God, I hated to leave him there. But I knew it was right.

I also knew that I would have compromised everything God had placed in front of me...relationships, opportunities, ministry. I was meant for more, for a future and a hope. In all my weakness, there was this quiet voice resounding...wait for the best, wait for His promises.

And so I am. I am waiting for the promises of God. I am walking this path humble and so desparate for His presence. My weaknesses are evident, but God's strength and grace are ever before me. It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. In those final moments of letting go, there was a chain broken that had been over my life for 10 long years. As I hung up the phone on our last conversation, all I could say through my tears was, "I'm free, I'm free."

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh
I am the second man now
And you're raising the dead in me
Yeah

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

Twenty-four oceans
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty-four parts
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
I'm not copping out
Not copping out

Switchfoot