We think we are free until one day God shows up and breaks another chain that held us down. I thought I had left a relationship five years ago, thought that all was done. The truth was that although I had physically and emotionally left, there was a part of my heart that still attached itself to a secret hope. It was so secret in fact that sometimes I forgot it was even there. And then, all of sudden, this relationship resurfaces, and so many questions began.

This relationship began 10 years ago, and although I would never admit it outright, I am sure that I loved him from the very beginning. He got under my skin though, irritated me for the first few years of highschool. But somewhere in there, he grew on me and I cherished his friendship. I didn't want to let him go, so I kissed him and held his hand. I told him I loved him. I remember his tears before he left, and I remember mine. The season of childhood seemed to end too soon.

After highschool, our relationship spiraled downward. I went from a summer of partying into the arms of a God who loved me and who brought the healing I was so desperately needing. He went into the military and became hardened and distant. We had talked about marriage. We had planned our futures together. The dreams died right in front of our eyes.

So as time passed, I moved on. So did he. I did not expect to see him, but I always hoped I would. For awhile I searched for him, tried to find out where he was or what he was up to. Then, I remember telling God that I would stop the search. After all, I had a whole new life, I had given my heart to the Lord. I knew that loving this guy would cause me to compromise the truth that I had come to know.

Four years later, I received a phone call saying that he was searching for me. Hearing his voice after so long...what can I say? All I know was that God used that time to begin a year of reconciliation and restoration. Everything that had caused hurt between us was forgiven. Within that year he became engaged to another girl and it broke my heart. God helped me in that time to truly let go all over again. And then they separated. And somehow, after five years we saw each other face to face. And all the emotion returned.

Imagine that for one day you can go back and relive a day all over again. I got to do that. We talked, we laughed. He held my hand and he kissed me. And at the end of the day, I did not want to let him go.

But I was faced with a choice. I longed to be with him again. Longed for his friendship, to be near to someone so familiar and so comfortable. But He was still searching for God. He was so close. So should I wait it out? Or should I leave him in the hands of God? I chose the latter.

I chose not to stand in the way of Shawn's pain. He offered his love, his heart, his life to me and I had to say no. Because if I said yes, he would not have gone to God to be healed, to be saved. I would have spent the rest of my life trying to lead him to a place that only the Holy Spirit could lead him. It was not my journey to take, it was his. Dear God, I hated to leave him there. But I knew it was right.

I also knew that I would have compromised everything God had placed in front of me...relationships, opportunities, ministry. I was meant for more, for a future and a hope. In all my weakness, there was this quiet voice resounding...wait for the best, wait for His promises.

And so I am. I am waiting for the promises of God. I am walking this path humble and so desparate for His presence. My weaknesses are evident, but God's strength and grace are ever before me. It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. In those final moments of letting go, there was a chain broken that had been over my life for 10 long years. As I hung up the phone on our last conversation, all I could say through my tears was, "I'm free, I'm free."