Three Things

I have tried to write a good number of posts since the last and none could seem to come out quite right. Even tonight I am unsure of the words that will be written here.

Three weeks ago I had a chance (and I use that word knowing that nothing is by chance) encounter with a person who would show me quite a few things about myself and my heart in general.

In order to remain anonymous tonight I will only write what happened to me. I will not include other names or times or places.

This person of interest was not someone I expected anything of or from in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that our paths would cross and when they did it was as if this person had quite appeared out of nowhere.

The first thing this person showed me is that there are those out there who will see my heart right away and who will know who I am without even asking. I am glad for those people. I am glad to skip all of the surface level chit-chat and get right to the heart of things. Someone who knows you right away will reflect back what you always knew about yourself but were afraid to believe or admit for one reason or the other. This person saw my sense of adventure, my energy...not the quietness and seriousness I get so quickly labeled and left with most of the time. This person made me want to live my life better and laugh out loud more often.

The second thing this person showed me is that my heart still works. After a harsh breakup almost two years ago, I didn't know if feeling strongly for another person was still possible. I didn't know that I could open my heart again. I can. I didn't know I could feel so much joy or hope. I did not know that I could feel the way that Rascal Flatts would explain it, "I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside that I just can't explain...like a weight that I carried been carried away...away." Whenever listening to that song I had always hoped that I would wake up feeling that way one day...the morning after spending time with this person...it is exactly how I felt...I can't even explain the peace and how different it felt from every other day.

I now also know that my heart is still able to hurt. I am still able to cry. I am still able to long for someone. I am still able to hope for more.

Now, after being seen and after allowing my heart to catch a glimmer of hope, I am still waiting to know about this person. In three short weeks my whole world has been changed. And I'm sitting here waiting, because I thought I saw something. I thought I heard the voice that I've been waiting to hear for so long. I thought, just maybe, that I felt at home and welcomed. I don't know, I'm still waiting.

Which leads me to the third thing this person has shown me. I feel alone. Being alone and feeling alone are two different things mind you. I am not alone, of course. I have God obviously at all times and in every way. I have a family whom I love and who loves me. I have amazing friends who are on call anytime, anywhere. No, I am not alone. And for quite some time, I have been content in my independent state. I am content to go to church on my own, share my day with roomates, go out with the girls on the weekends, make plans for traveling, invite others to come and visit, explore new things and places. I had come to the conclusion that I would buy a house on my own. Plan life, on my own. Pray and encourage others the best I knew how. And the list goes on.. Yes, I was surviving; not really paying attention to the dull ache that said, "wouldn't it be nice to share all of this WITH someone?" And this one person comes along, about the same way anyone would I guess. But this person was different somehow...sang a different tune, one that harmonized with mine more than anyone I've really met. And instead of sticking around, this person has managed to appear, then disappear, and then appear again, etc, etc. It leaves me with the clear perspective that I don't like living on my own. I don't like being as independent as I make myself out to be. I want to depend on someone. I want to vent and argue and discuss and live with someone. I don't like this aloneness. I don't like feeling as if I am on the outside of this relationship stuff...only looking at others who seem to have found such an amazing gift.

I desperately want to cling to what has been put in front of me. And the thing is I can't. I can't control it. I can't make it mine. I can't even submit to it and hope that it brings me in. I have to let go and let God take care of my heart. I have to trust that God knows my heart better than I know it. I have to trust that He has a good plan for my life...a plan that brings joy and hope...a plan that lifts the burden I so easily pick up and try to carry myself.

So, here I am....now reminded that there are others out there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me when we meet, reminded that my heart is still capable of feeling joy and hope, reminded that I have a great need for fellowship and friendship and love. Not bad for one person in three weeks time.

God help me trust you in the days ahead. Help me to have faith for what You have promised.