Single

It's amazing because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married.
And now...in the face of new relationships I am second guessing that desire. It has been at the heart of every break-up, every time I have turned away for the hope of something more. In the back of mind, I have asked questions. But what about going to the nations? Would he go with me? What about singing, writing music and pursuing that passion? Would I be able to do this and still be committed to him? Each time, the answer has come along as "no". And each time I walk away I am drawn deeper into the heart of God, deeper into His plan for my life, and farther away from the desire to simply commit for the sake of be committed....if that makes any sense.

I joined eHarmony about two weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for awhile actually, thinking that it was about time I started to step out and take a look again. So when the 60% off coupon came along I jumped at the chance. I've met a couple of people...via email, not in person. But this question keeps coming up....what about the music? What about going and pursuing the calling of your heart? There's a very real chance I would lay it down in order to follow someone else's heart and calling...someone else's idea of what life should be. And it's at this point that my heart does a little bit of a flip-flop and I realize...I may not be ready to commit yet. I may not be ready for a family of my own. There is still more of the single life to chase after. There is still more of God to pursue.

Imagine...marriage and music...two of the biggest desires of my heart...competing for a chance to be fulfilled. And that's when I realize...that HE is my greatest desire. God, the one who has romanced me through the year, the one who has shown me the nations and asked me to walk through His fields, the one who has given me songs in the night, the one who takes me on adventures and walks with me.

I don't want to miss out on this romance I am tasting in some ways for the very first time.
And then again, in a tangible way, I do not want to be alone on this journey. I want to have a friend and companion to share this adventure with God. But only if it brings as much joy as I have now...only if it holds as much promise...as much excitement...as much intimacy. I now understand why Mattie wants to stay at the monastery....pursuing the God he loves. I now understand how there are men and women who are pursuing their passion and totally at peace with being single.

Praise God for the day I meet the man I will marry. But praise Him also for the days leading to that day....they truly are a gift.