My First Love

Many people called this land hopeless. I didn't hear them. The music of ancient scriptures burned through my heart. Love does not fail. Love protects, love trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I saw the seeds lying beneath the ground. I imagined the flowers in bloom. I dug my hands deep into the dirt...it was still good ground. Many years had gone by without rain. It was hard to imagine beauty in a place so hard, so adverse to the extravagant dreams of my own dear heart. But I dreamed nonetheless.

I had come from a place of eternal springs. A place where anything is possible. Where old men can be young again. A place where the dead come back to life. A place where lost souls find their hope. Where sickness is gone. Where lovers find peace. Where questions find their answers. Where tears are turned to joy. A place, with a Creator, who loves...who creates...who gathers...who speaks. And when He speaks, something comes to life...where nothing had existed before. I came from a place where all things are made new.

No matter what anyone else told me...this barren land had hope. And I embraced it, calling it my very own. I sang and danced as if the most beautiful gift had been given to me. This, this is what I had been created for. I heard the sounds of my own heart beating. I saw my dreams come alive. A rose garden here, an oak tree there...a field to the left...and to the right a most beautiful vegetable garden. And closest to where I stood an open area to gather my friends and entertain strangers. Walking paths, a trellis. Children laughing. I had even bought a new dress to wear.

I did not expect the land to fight against me. Thorns and thistles began to crowd out the seeds I had so lovingly planted. I did not expect the rains, that I had loved since my birth, to flood rather than soak into the ground. The ground was so hard and cracked, unwilling to be refreshed by what it so desperately needed. I chided myself for not preparing well enough. I cried for the lack of knowledge in comparison to the voice of great dreams inside of my head.

I longed for a companion to help me rather than to offer the advice of giving up. I didn't want an easy, ready-made piece of property. I wanted something real, something worth the sweat and tears. I wanted a story. I wanted character and depth. I wanted to laugh and say, "I don't remember the pain, it was worth it in the end." There were some friends, who would stay for awhile. I am grateful for the tears that they cried with me; for the stories of hope and the words of life that they brought to my door. But they each had their own land too. Some were at the very beginning, some had enough trouble of their own, others were enjoying the fruit of their labor. And I could not hold them back to stay with me. Eventually, I was alone again.

Until I remembered my Creator. The one who had sent me here. The one who had given me a heart to love this land. The one who had given me the strength thus far. He had been good to me. He was the one who made me fall in love with the work of redemption, with the miracle of seeing something come from nothing. He was the one who told me that all would be well, that He would make all things new. I finally told Him, that I had tried. I had tried so hard. I told Him, that I was tired. I asked Him why He hadn't come sooner. I asked Him what in the world He was trying to do. I was angry with the thought that He would knowingly lead me to love a place that was doomed from the start. Or even worse, ask me to love and dream, only later to ask me to walk away as if it was never mine in the first place. What kind of Creator plays that sort of game with the heart? And then I wondered if He had led me here at all. I wondered if I hadn't picked it out for my very self and used Him to make my dreams come true. What was really true about this place? What was really true inside of me?

I stood there, staring at the sky. Wearing my new dress. Feeling as if I had only just awoke from a dream. A dream, that upon awakening, left me wanting to go back and change the course of all that had happened. And I wondered where everyone had gone, and how I had gotten here. I wondered where home was, and if anyone would come for me. I wondered how this barren land could ever become new. I wondered if anyone would ever see the hope that was alive in my heart. In that moment, I wanted so badly to run without ever looking back...and I longed to stay and start all over again. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" I cried...not knowing if I was screaming to the circumstances, or to the intents of my own heart.

The rains came down harder. The silence was deafening. All was lost.

And how long had it all been lost really? I was faced with the most terrifying questions. In the end, what had been worse, losing the land or misplacing my love for the Creator who held all of it in His hands? After all, it was not the land I had not been created for had it? I had been created for Him...the Creator...and that made all of the difference.

I stood there reminded of the ancient words...If we lose all, we still have Him. But without Him, we have nothing at all.

Matthew 10:39

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Revelation 2:2-5
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.