To Dream Again

It has felt like a very bad dream, for a very long time.

I get to the point where I feel wide awake...I forget that anything was ever wrong. Sometimes it's with close friends. Most of the time it's in the middle of a school day. Eighteen little 6 and 7 year olds will brighten anyone's day. Well, at least they brighten mine. :) When I'm at school, I feel alive and way more like myself. I love the teachers I work with. I love my kids. But, at the end of the day, we all leave, and I remember...that tonight I will go home to one frozen Amy's organic dinner and maybe some ice cream with frozen berries a little while later. I remember that there is music to write. I remember that I don't know the words. I remember how much I miss that back porch swing and afternoons at the park.

Life is not the same. What I believed about people is not the same. Every new piece of information that comes my way is a new twist and turn. But, when all is said and done, there is nothing I can do about that...except pick up my heart and move forward.

Even in the midst of change, there are so many beautiful pieces to hold onto. I love giving more than ever. Being outdoors is now more of a basic necessity. I want simplicity and realness. I want honesty...at any cost. I want to be relevant...yet effective. I want to know God...I'm tired of all things religious. I don't have it all together...and now...that's okay. I don't have to be strong anymore. I take each day as it comes.

Someone very important died this past spring. I only spent time with him a handful of times over the past couple of years. I was privileged to have known him, loved him as a brother. He had a way of putting others at ease. He had a way of making those around him feel alive. What I remember about him, I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I'll never forget how he cared for me without ever really knowing me. I'll never forget the way that even after he was gone he found a way to tell me that I was important. I think about him every day. I think about the family that I loved as my own. I still hear their words ringing in my ears, "No regrets." I want to embrace life. I want to ask the questions. I want love with honesty and affection. I want to laugh and see the whole world. I lost everything this past spring...I lost all of them. They lost me. And I've been taking one breath at a time ever since.

I lost my church family. I lost the things I thought were really important to me. But one thing I know...that when one little sheep goes missing...God leaves the 99 to go find him. And so, I am hoping, that soon, very soon, I will be found by the God who loves me. I want to wake up from the ledge I have been standing on. I want to breath a sigh of relief and not be afraid to dream again.