Dishwasher

After school tutoring is always interesting. Carrie (my roomate and colleague) get a kick out of these kids. Anyways, today was our last day...so we played games, passed around jokes, and had a pizza party. Here is the best knock, knock joke I have heard in a long time. You actually have to read this out loud to get it...very funny. :)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dishwasher.

Dishwasher who?

Dishwasher how I schounded when I losht my falsh teeth.

Just brightens up your day doesn't it? :)

Because God is Good

Missy and I have called them "boy stories". It's almost tradition. Whenever we catch up with one another, she will ask about them. And, inevitably...I will have someone new to talk about, some new drama to laugh or cry over, and some new set of circumstances to bring hope or disappointment. Lots of stories, lots of life lessons over the years.

I do not regret the times I have opened my heart. I do not regret the times of letting go. I do not regret getting to know someone. I do not regret any story that I have walked through. But I have had this hope, as anyone would, that one day the boy stories would come to a final pivotal point....that one day, the real love story would begin.

I didn't think about the fact that the love story had already begun. I forget so easily that there is a deeper love story at work in my life.

I thought I had found it. In fact, I was so sure that I began to speak out loud about it. About him. It was too good, too perfect to not be excited right away. I told Missy that it wasn't just another boy story, that seriously this could be the one for which every other boy story would be put to rest.

Apparently, God had other plans. Because I still can't figure out how it ended. This amazing moment appeared in my life, so suddenly, so out of the blue, and then disappeared as if it was only a dream. Except, now I am different...I am changed. I can't bring this person back. I can't even hold on to what I believed about them. All I can do is trust God, that He knows best...and as Job put it...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...Blessed by the name of the Lord. I never liked that verse. I didn't like it's theology, but who am I to change scripture...when that very scripture is changing me?

I have no answer for the mystery behind my current circumstances. But I have seen God move in my life so strongly these past few weeks. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about little foxes spoiling the vine. There have been many little foxes in my life. Relationships, lifestyle choices, little things that caused me to compromise the very relationship that I crave with the Lord. This guy that walked into my life three weeks ago changed all that. Because of him, I don't want to compromise anymore. For a few days I tasted a joy and an adventure that I had not tasted for so long, if ever. I have such a hunger now to be joyful, the enjoy life, to embrace what God has given to me. I have seen something so good that I don't want to go back. Now that I know that there is better, I don't want to hang around with all of the worries and false hopes that I have struggled with. I don't want to waste any more time. And so I have closed a lot of doors that should not have been left open in the first place.

My heart is turning in a new direction. Aha, God. So this is what it was all about. A change in season. A season of walking with Him, knowing Him. A season of complete and honest trust in the One who has created a hope and a future for me. A season of letting go of all that has held me down in order to gain what has been set aside for me, to gain what I have been set apart for. A season to redeem the time.

I know it's coming. I know there is a story already written, already begun; a story so deep, so real, and so true that it can only be God. And how much more beautiful it will be, when my heart is at rest in the Lord, when I will be able to look back at the heartache and the questions, the letting go and the lessons learned...and I will be able to say...because God is good I am here in this place...because God is good I am not alone...because God is good He was not content to let me love apart from Him, He has brought me through the fire. He has brought me the desires of my heart. He has brought me to His heart. Because God is good.

Your Plan

Thank you for listening. You have heard my outbursts, my rash words, my fear at its height. I know that you stayed even when I did not trust you. I know that you waited while I ran after the rations of my own understanding. My eyes have not stopped crying for days. And yet, you are patient with me. I see your smile. I see your knowing look; it cuts straight to the root of my heart's condition. The way you look at me, is exactly how I see my children when I have acted on their behalf and they do not yet realize the good they are being given. I have yet to understand your goodness, but in the midst of this struggle you let me start out new each day, as if the day before is gone and not held against me. Your promise still stands.

And I know that you are still waiting for me...waiting for me to walk forward instead of stand still; to let go of the fear that my past defines me, and to rest in knowing that You are the One who speaks of who I am...waiting for me to believe that you are who you say that you are...waiting for me to walk with you, truly walk with you, instead of trying to do it on my own.

I just want you to see that I'm trying, that my heart is in this. You have seen me already... hardened, broken. And you have mended the pieces that I never thought I would see again. I'm coming, Lord. I'm coming to meet up with you. You're right, it's time for something new. Let's walk arm in arm. Let's talk and laugh together again. Let's see what you have planned. I'm ready for your plan.

What is Hope?

I'm trying very hard to not close up my heart this time.
I'm trying very heard to stay open,
to hope for more. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid.

I prayed. I thought I heard God. I thought everything was good.
I thought I had His peace, His assurance.

I hate the arrows. The arrows that fly by day and threaten by night. The arrows that tell me of insignificance, lies, misplaced hope, unfulfilled dreams. The arrows that tell me that what I hope for is not pleasing to God. The arrows that point right at me and tell me that my life is worth nothing, that who I am is not enough.

I know that I am not the only one. I know that there are problems worse than mine, hearts more broken than my own. I know that this will pass and there will be new places and events and people to set my mind upon. I know, because I hear it over and over again, that this life is not about me...it's all about Him. I know that all I have to do is let it go. I know.

What is it about hope that creates such a fine line based on perspective? Either it makes you feel as if you are floating or, in stark contrast, it makes you feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff?

Is my hope valid or is it false?
Because here's the thing. What I see is such a disappointment compared to what I thought I would see. What I see is emptiness and void and that my heart has been reaching for a dream that was never real.

All I can do is sit here and say, "what?" And then I begin to cry because I am so angry and disappointed about the whole thing.

What is hope? It's been my question for a long time.

Flowers for the Teacher

Wilbur and Charlie came to class early this morning. They know they're supposed to wait outside the door with the rest of the classes...but this morning they had picked a beautiful arrangement of flowers on the way to school and couldn't wait to put it in my hands. "Miss T., there's an onion in there too." I didn't even have to ask...the smell of the wild onion overpowered any floral scents that might have come from the rest of the arrangement. "Yeah, Miss T., we got chased by a really big dog when we were picking this flower." I had to ask...not only were there wild flowers and weeds that might have grown anywhere along a sidewalk or parking lot on the way to school...mind you they don't live in the country...these flowers were also lovingly picked from gardens and flower beds all along the way. I love these kids. :)

Scotland

So I'm headed to Scotland this summer....thought I'd post a few pictures from this site I found tonight. :)

Three Things

I have tried to write a good number of posts since the last and none could seem to come out quite right. Even tonight I am unsure of the words that will be written here.

Three weeks ago I had a chance (and I use that word knowing that nothing is by chance) encounter with a person who would show me quite a few things about myself and my heart in general.

In order to remain anonymous tonight I will only write what happened to me. I will not include other names or times or places.

This person of interest was not someone I expected anything of or from in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that our paths would cross and when they did it was as if this person had quite appeared out of nowhere.

The first thing this person showed me is that there are those out there who will see my heart right away and who will know who I am without even asking. I am glad for those people. I am glad to skip all of the surface level chit-chat and get right to the heart of things. Someone who knows you right away will reflect back what you always knew about yourself but were afraid to believe or admit for one reason or the other. This person saw my sense of adventure, my energy...not the quietness and seriousness I get so quickly labeled and left with most of the time. This person made me want to live my life better and laugh out loud more often.

The second thing this person showed me is that my heart still works. After a harsh breakup almost two years ago, I didn't know if feeling strongly for another person was still possible. I didn't know that I could open my heart again. I can. I didn't know I could feel so much joy or hope. I did not know that I could feel the way that Rascal Flatts would explain it, "I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside that I just can't explain...like a weight that I carried been carried away...away." Whenever listening to that song I had always hoped that I would wake up feeling that way one day...the morning after spending time with this person...it is exactly how I felt...I can't even explain the peace and how different it felt from every other day.

I now also know that my heart is still able to hurt. I am still able to cry. I am still able to long for someone. I am still able to hope for more.

Now, after being seen and after allowing my heart to catch a glimmer of hope, I am still waiting to know about this person. In three short weeks my whole world has been changed. And I'm sitting here waiting, because I thought I saw something. I thought I heard the voice that I've been waiting to hear for so long. I thought, just maybe, that I felt at home and welcomed. I don't know, I'm still waiting.

Which leads me to the third thing this person has shown me. I feel alone. Being alone and feeling alone are two different things mind you. I am not alone, of course. I have God obviously at all times and in every way. I have a family whom I love and who loves me. I have amazing friends who are on call anytime, anywhere. No, I am not alone. And for quite some time, I have been content in my independent state. I am content to go to church on my own, share my day with roomates, go out with the girls on the weekends, make plans for traveling, invite others to come and visit, explore new things and places. I had come to the conclusion that I would buy a house on my own. Plan life, on my own. Pray and encourage others the best I knew how. And the list goes on.. Yes, I was surviving; not really paying attention to the dull ache that said, "wouldn't it be nice to share all of this WITH someone?" And this one person comes along, about the same way anyone would I guess. But this person was different somehow...sang a different tune, one that harmonized with mine more than anyone I've really met. And instead of sticking around, this person has managed to appear, then disappear, and then appear again, etc, etc. It leaves me with the clear perspective that I don't like living on my own. I don't like being as independent as I make myself out to be. I want to depend on someone. I want to vent and argue and discuss and live with someone. I don't like this aloneness. I don't like feeling as if I am on the outside of this relationship stuff...only looking at others who seem to have found such an amazing gift.

I desperately want to cling to what has been put in front of me. And the thing is I can't. I can't control it. I can't make it mine. I can't even submit to it and hope that it brings me in. I have to let go and let God take care of my heart. I have to trust that God knows my heart better than I know it. I have to trust that He has a good plan for my life...a plan that brings joy and hope...a plan that lifts the burden I so easily pick up and try to carry myself.

So, here I am....now reminded that there are others out there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me when we meet, reminded that my heart is still capable of feeling joy and hope, reminded that I have a great need for fellowship and friendship and love. Not bad for one person in three weeks time.

God help me trust you in the days ahead. Help me to have faith for what You have promised.

Breathing In

There's something about the ocean breeze late at night, the smell of roses mixed in with that breeze, the wind touching your skin, your hair while riding an old school bicycle through quiet beach neighborhoods, looking at houses that look so much more like a welcome home, lamposts burning, sprinklers watering, stars shining and a ring around the moon...something about it that breathes life into forgotten places. I felt like a young girl again, laughing out loud.

A Table Before Us

Two of my third graders were arguing with one another last week. Actually, one of the girls is in my class and the other one is a third grader who switched to the new teacher earlier this year. Both girls are leader material. Both of them long for attention. Needless to say, their desire for friends and a good reputation lead them into territorial arguments. When they came running up to me after P.E. last Monday, I looked at the other teacher and said, "Okay, they're eating lunch together all this week." And that was the deal...they were going to sit together and spend time together whether they liked it or not. Secretly, I thought that was probably what they had wanted anyways. In their argument, I heard them crying out for someone to show them how to be friends.

Monday.
They were embarrassed to sit together, but did so with much argument and foot stomping.

Tuesday.
Both thought I forgot about the lunchtime requirement. (Fortunately, I remembered this time.)More foot stomping. One of the girls refused to even finish eating her lunch. They sat at opposite ends of the table...arms crossed.

Tuesday afternoon.
I sent each an invitation to join me for lunch the next day. Real food...not cafeteria. They both rsvp'd and said they would come.

Wednesday.
We sat together at the table. Both were pretty quiet. I pulled out the lunchables (kids loves those things), grapes, and jello. And all of a sudden, this verse popped into my head...."He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies." We began to talk...not about anything in particular...just small talk. It was good. By the end of the lunchtime....without me even having to pull it out of them...they said goodbye to each other. That may sound small, but really, it was huge....they had refused to talk to each other before.

Wednesday after school.
I heard both girls again call across the sidewalk to say goodbye to each other.

So maybe they will continue to feel a little apprehension about befriending one another. I realize that peer pressure could keep them apart. But I do know this, for a few moments last week, these two girls were able to speak amicably to one another. They were at peace enough to go out of their way to say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever think about that verse in the same way again. And hopefully I'm not taking it out of context. I've always thought it was a prideful thing, like...haha, enemy, look how much God loves me. But, maybe, just maybe, He provides in a way that puts us in a position to share in the goodness of God together. Maybe some of our enemies should not be our enemies at all. Maybe God's love needs to step in and provide a table before us...to set our differences aside, to make amends, to be at peace. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Hillbilly Daydream

My brother wrote the this awesome poem today. If you have a moment I highly recommend the read. :) Josh, every time you write, I am reminded of the gift of God that you are. Love you.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=48888524&blogID=105120621&indicate=1

The Waiting

Psalm 27:13, 14

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Hosea 12:6
But you must return to your God;

maintain love and justice,

and wait for your God always.

Hebrews 6:15

And so after waiting patiently,

Abraham received what was promised.

James 5:7
Be patient, then, brothers,

until the Lord's coming.

See how the farmer waits

for the land to yield its valuable crop

and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

I looked through a Bible concordance this morning to find verses on waiting. These are only a few. Waiting seems to be a common theme throughout the Old and New Testament. Seems like when one is waiting it is very hard to keep hope alive. This morning I choose to remain hopeful in my waiting and remain confident in the Lord.

Second Chance

I did not get to bed until 1am last night. I had to set my alarm for 6:00am. Usually, that's a problem. But I slept so well, and on top of that, I woke up peacefully before my alarm clock sounded. I felt so alive, so awake...not nervous, not rushed, not grumpy. I laid in bed for half an hour just basking in the silence, the sun seeping through my blinds. I had extra time, after getting ready, to open the blinds and make my bed...things I usually only give a passing glance as I run out the door to try to beat traffic. Even preparing my classroom this morning was a peaceful thing. I was not running around everywhere. I was not fighting off the nervous "I have to get everything done" feeling. I took my time and when I looked at the clock I was surprised to see how much I had accomplished and how very little time had really passed. Today, was a change of pace...something I will write more about in days to come.

I woke up as if in a dream...welcoming the day...thankful for the night before. Yesterday was perfect, a day I've hoped for, but never knew when I'd see coming. Thank you, God, for showing me second chances. Lead me on and show me the way to go.

Do You Trust Me?

While I was out line dancing the other night, I met another guy who took it upon himself to teach me some swing steps. The great thing was that even though he was only about my height, he was pretty confident in his ability to flip me around.

So in the middle of the dancefloor...without too many people out there I got the hang of things pretty quickly and really enjoyed dancing with someone who knew how to dance. Then he asked the big question, "Do you trust me?" Of course, I had the ...I don't think you know how tall I really am..how much I really weigh excuse that every girl holds in the back of her mind...but he convinced me he was pretty strong and it was all about technique anyways.

Yeah, it was fun. But the thing that stuck with me...the reason I'm writing about it is because when he told me he was going to flip me about the third time, I gave him a look that to me registered as "Umm..I'm not so sure...it was fun both the first and the second time, but seriously..." He laughed and said, "man, your eyes just totally lit up". I don't think I could trust a whole lot of people to just throw me up in the air over a hard surface in the middle of a crowd. But here he was offering this small adventure, tossing me out of my comfort zone, asking for my trust.

I realized that night, that I long for moments of trust. I know dancing seems like such a small thing...not like bungy jumping or parachuting or scouting out an indigenous country. But stepping out, trusting someone to help me do something I secretly have longed to do but never had the chance. It reminded me of the first time my brother convinced me that the front seat of the roller coaster is always the best...this, after I had concluded that I'd probably never ride again. Now, it's the only way to go. :)

No wonder my eyes lit up. It was an adventure that I didn't have to take on alone. There was someone beside me...and a risk to be taken. I'm glad he noticed, because then I was able to recognize a little piece of what I've been longing for. I know better what to look for now. I can't stop thinking about it. "Do you trust me?"...in the right context, this is becoming my favorite question.

Coming to the End

The tears came tonight. Actually, they've shown up a lot recently. But tonight, after talking with mom...I couldn't hold them back anymore. And then my roomate came out and I made her cry with all my crying.

I want so badly to know Christ. I mean know Him. Not just know about Him. I've grown up with Him, tasted His life, seen His goodness. But I feel like I'm missing something. I feel empty, worn out, insecure...like who I am is not enough to even get His attention.

And the thing is...I can't live like that. I can't live going through the motions. I am seeing a great big empty world and I can't even do anything about it. I have friends who do not know Him. I know people who are full of sickness and hurts that need to be healed. And I want to SEE them saved, healed, set free...FULL of the life of God. But how can I do that if I am not full of the life of God?

By the world I am seen as "conservative"...quoted by a guy I had a good conversation with the other night while line dancing. By my best friend, who is in full time ministry, I am seen as a liberal Christian. I go out and blend in. And it's all the name of relationship. I go out with the teachers b/c I want to form relationships with them. I've always done that...since way back in high school. But what am I doing that's different? What am I doing that shows the life of God? What in me is drawing them to Christ? Right now...there is nothing that I can see.

And my kids. 15 hungry little hearts....waiting to be ministered to, taught every day. I feel like I'm letting them down...letting God down.

I am not FULL of life. I feel so sad, quiet, so focused on ME. The Bible says that it is the relationships between God and the gentiles that will move the Jews to jealousy. There is nothing in my life worth being jealous of.

When I was young my biggest question was..."If I was standing on a stage in front of the world, how would everyone understand my words in their own language?" I seriously pondered that. And then I would think about how to invite my neighborhood for Bible studies in my backyard. The thought of both of those things scares me now. In the back of my mind I don't think I know God enough. I don't think I'm walking in His fullness. I'm so afraid of using Him and never really knowing Him.

I need more of God. I don't want to minister to ANYone until the life of God dwells in me richly. Otherwise it is empty...so, so empty.

The Love of Christ

Romans 8:37-39:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life,

nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers,

nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature,

shall be able to separate us from the love of God,

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Next...the World

Four to six weeks from today I will be receiving my passport!!! One step closer to stepping off of the North American continent and seeing the rest of the world. With all of this excitement I am wondering what took me so long to get to this point. There's a time for everything I suppose. And there are plans in the works....Europe this summer. :)

Jesus Saves

I sure am missing my computer...it's sitting in the backroom of Best Buy right now...waiting to be fixed. I got the blue screen early last week. That was after the flickering screen. Ugh. I almost thought my pictures would be lost b/c my computer won't read the hard drive...but apparently they can be backed up for $90 on another computer. Thanks Best Buy....always working...to make more money. And as my dad so poignantly reminded me after I realized my own error of not backing up my own files...."Jesus saves".

In other news, I learned that the Rabbi who is teaching my class on Jewish roots is the grandson of the guy who brought back the Hebrew language and wrote the 17 volume (or 18 I can't remember exactly) Hebrew dictionary...the most collective dictionary of any language in the world. His work and vision had a major impact on Israel becoming a nation again. I couldn't believe that in our small class of maybe 20 people (give or take a few) we were sitting and learning Hebrew from someone who was related to such history. (You can read about him clicking here.) His family has a cemetary plot on the Mt. of Olives...now that says something because only prominent Jews get the honor of being buried there....and this particular plot stands out because it is the only one surrounded by a wrought iron fence. Wow, I was impressed. Monday night was the best history lesson I have ever sat through. I am so looking forward to the day that I get to go to Israel.

FYI

Today is my half-birthday. :)

Edison Glass

I had the privilege of hanging with these guys this weekend. So cool to have known them in college and see them now continuing on with their dream.

Give them a listen.

My favorite is "When All We Have is Taken".

Cd comes out April 4.

Shifting the Paradigm

Redeem my heart....that's my prayer right now. Plain and simple yet with so much desperation. And the truth is, He already has....I just wish my own paradigm to shift so that I can actually see...so that I can actually walk in confidence and trust. There's a lost world out there...surrounds me every day...and yet I am still walking in need of a Savior. I am still so aware of my incapabilities and longings. I wish myself to be further down the road already.