It's 12:30am and I can't resist saying something about the holiday that is upon us before I head to bed. I am not heartbroken this year that I do not have a valentine. In fact, I feel indifferent towards this day of love. Instead of romance and butterflies, I feel this huge void, a void that I was made aware of when S. left and then again when things fell apart with C. My idea of love has been a huge disappointment. It has not worked out as I had planned or as I had hoped. Those that I have loved or adored or held close have walked away or disappeared. And all of sudden my full plate looks empty, devoid of the pleasures I longed to taste. There are moments recently when the full weight of the void hits me. The message comes through as I find myself longing for someone or something. The void takes on faces and names. But I am becoming aware that the void cannot be filled by those someones or somethings. The truth is, I was created to be filled with the life and the love of God. He is the only perfect fit, the only fulfiller of dreams and desires. But I have no idea how this works. I have no idea how to let God love me in a real way. All I have is head knowledge, all I have are the testimonials of others, all I have is the faith that says, "it can happen, I hope it happens to me". What I truly desire is a recharging of the heart. I desire life to come back. With everything in me, I just want to know that I am for real and that God is pleased with me.

Fill my heart again
with the rains
with the sun
You know my shape,
my form
Awaken my desire and
show me Your love