Fear and Surrender

After my last couple of posts I know it is time for a change. Many times, on this blog, I risk being vulnerable...letting everyone know my business. But I find this heart stuff incredibly hard keep inside...something important happens, and like sitting with a very dear friend, I have to come and put it all down. I have to make sense of what's going on. I have to let it be released so that I can move on.

It's been a long road, this whole church situation, this whole heart situation. A friend of mine called to see if I was headed to church this past Saturday night. I told him that I wasn't sure because I didn't really want to show up alone. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Maybe that's why I eventually shrink back. I don't know. I'm usually really good about putting my brave face on. For some reason I just haven't been able to find it. So, I went...to church...met my friend there, feeling like a dork because seriously I could have come on my own and been just fine. And it was so good...not just good...but so good. That was Saturday night...Sunday morning, I was there again...on my own this time...and ended up going to membership class. Do you know what the whole weekend was about by the way? ...Why it's important to get planted in the house of God. It's been so long since I've been able to do that...so long since I've trusted God enough to let myself be planted. Yeah, it's about time.

There was something else last week that had me in tears. My kids are constantly hugging me, wrapping their little arms around me, telling me stories, etc., etc. and it is usually at times when I need everyone's attention or we are lining up or "fill in the blank" inopportune time of the day. It really began to bother me when I noticed that my reactions were not loving and patient, but more like "c'mon we've got places to go, things to do..no time for play" kinds of reactions. As I searched my heart I began to see the face of fear. And without going detail for detail I realized that I have been holding my students at arms length in fear that I would not be able to control them in my classroom. I looked at situation after situation this year and saw how fear held me back from fully embracing them each time. What is this fear? Where did it come from? I'm not quite sure, but God knows and I'm asking Him. I just keep thinking of Jesus and how He embraced the little ones around Him...He took time not worrying what everyone else would think. I hope that I can begin to do the same. I'm wondering how much this has affected my other relationships as well. I mean how often have I held others at arms length in order to maintain control and not be vulnerable to criticism or rejection?