Where He Is

I knew it would happen...the moment that I made the decision. I knew it would come to making the same choice again and again. I knew that I would have to let go. I knew that I would have to start all over again. And yet I chose this road. Not because I knew all the answers. Not because it seemed the prettiest or the best. But only because it was the road that brought pure life to my heart.

Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?

It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.

I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.

We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.

My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.

My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.

I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)

Fighting for Life

I sat up until early morning hours with my roomate deep in conversation. And the question that burned in my mind as we talked also woke up with me this morning as the sun came through my windows.

What am I fighting for?

Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?

Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.

But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.

Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????

How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???

It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.

When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.

No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.

And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?

True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.

Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?

Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.

He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.

It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.

What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.

New Year

Well, it is a new year....which calls for a new post. :)

Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.

I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.

I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.

I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?

There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.

In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."

We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.

But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?

Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.

So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.

New Year

Break forth o great song
from my lips and from my heart
break forth and tell of the wonders He has done
Let the rivers burst from their riverbanks
Let the rains explode from the clouds
And let all that is within me praise the God I love.

In this season, I am learning the heart of God.
I see my frailties. I see my weaknesses.
I see that I could so easily give up and I have done so.

But He has not given up on me. I feel His fervency in the depths of my soul.
I have waited longer than I have wanted to.
I have come to the end of myself and I see that there is more.
I have sung out my songs only to find that I still need to dig deeper for the spring of energy that would burst forth from the very depths of who I am.

I am waiting and breaking through.
Such a small beginning and yet it seems so grand. I want to hold it in my hands...secure the things I think I see. And yet, those dreams are not safe with me. They are safe with Him. And I must cling to Him, run after His heart, hold fast to what I know to be true. Without Him, all of this would be meaningless.

His plans are greater than my own.
There is more.
And in this new year my prayer is to run with God and to wholeheartedly follow the path He has set before me.

Safety

My brother and his girlfriend decided to clean the house Sunday morning instead of attending church. If you click on this link you will find out what happened that morning.

Colorado Shooting

All I have to say is that I am so thankful for God's protection. Josh and Amber would have been at this place, at this time. It is so hard to understand these happenings. And it is so humbling to see when God orders our steps out of harm's way.

Next Tuesday

Well, it's been two years.
But by the end of next week...hopefully...you will hear some brand new songs...on a brand new recording. Yay!!! :)

Merry Christmas

There is a peace about this season I have yet to find in any other. Flip to any radio station and you will hear songs about the love of God. Look in almost any department store or public venue and you will probably find a nativity scene on display. People are picking out gifts for one another. Families are coming together. And I can't help but think, that no matter what religious tradition is being followed this time of year, at the root of it all, we are celebrating because God loved us…and still does.

In this day and age, it is easy to imagine Jesus as a nice figure in history; a story to be told to our children; a source of peace when facing a difficult challenge. But how did His story make it through these thousands of years? Why are there so many who seem to cling to His existence even now?

Don't you ever wonder if you really need God…because you feel like you're fine on your own? And if you really did feel a need for Him…how in the world would you ever tell Him and actually feel like He heard you? And how in the world could you be good enough for Him anyways? Even after growing up in a Christian home, I still have wondered about these things.

There are always secrets that we hold deep in our hearts. Secrets that we wouldn't tell anyone else because if they knew then how would we ever face them again? Or face ourselves for that matter? We would rather hide and face the torment on our own. We would rather show a better face in order to find acceptance, even if that acceptance was only based on half truths. We hide behind secrets and only become mirror images of ourselves. And these same secrets keep us from ever knowing the love of God.

This is the season when we get to hear about what God really thinks about us. Amidst the trips to Santa's North Pole, the last minute holiday shopping, the baking, the decorating, the singing, the bustling about…stop…and listen. There is a reason for this holiday.

A long time ago, God saw you. And He knew that you would live at this very time and place. He knew the color of your hair, the job position you would have. He knew the condition of your heart. He knew what you are worrying about right now. He knew your stubbornness and your pride. He knew your laughter. He knew who would love and who you would miss. He knew what you wish for, what you pray for as you lay in bed at night. And He knew that you would never ever be able to be good enough to get to Him.

But He loved you anyways. He chose you before you ever even heard His name. And He couldn't stand the thought of losing you. So, He did what any loving father would do if his child were lost…He ran after you.

That's the whole reason Jesus showed up on Earth. God had to send His love in a way that we could understand, in a way that we could relate. He sent His son…to tell us who we really were…to tell us that we were not alone…to tell us how much He loved us. He became one of us. And then, because He knew that we would die without Him…He took our place. He really did. He took the blame for all of the reasons that kept us from Him, all the secrets, lies, sins and darkness…and He died with them…He carried our darkness so that we didn't have to.

But He had a secret too...and that was that His love was stronger than all of those things.

What would happen if we faced the truth? The truth that we are empty, alone, afraid, angry, and confused. What would happen if we realized we didn't have to carry this load anymore? Because we don't.

The wonder of Christmas is that God's love will bring the answers we need, will bring the love we long for, will bring the peace we cry out for.

The wonder of Christmas is that we are not alone. God loves us and He wants us.

There's no more reason to hide. We are accepted despite the way we act, despite what we hold deep down inside, despite our hopes and our fears. There's a verse that says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." It's time for the truth…always has been. Just think of the possibilities. When we are right with God…everything else will fall into place.

All you have to do is speak into the silence. All you have to do is ask and believe that He will answer. He will and your life will never be the same.

Merry Christmas.

Small Town Streets

Tonight...all I want to do is bundle up in a warm coat and scarf, maybe even with mittens and a hat, and walk down a quiet, small town street, listening to the sound of snow falling, breathing in the crisp, cold air, enjoying how cold my face feels as I walk through the night.

One day, it will all make sense....

After my treatment today, I pondered the words of my technician.
In the midst of the pain she had said, "Well, I always say that I can stand the pain as long as I know that in the end it will be something that makes me feel better about myself". And let me tell you, the treatment was PAINful. But hours later I don't remember the pain as much. I mean, I remember...it's just that the benefits begin to far outweigh those moments of great discomfort. And every couple of months, I know that I will subject myself to this pain yet again. But there is an end goal....there is something I want more than the pain itself...and so I must be willing to walk through the process.

All this to say, there are other discomforts....other processes to walk through....painful at times. And tonight I reminding myself that there is an end in sight....there is a reason for the pain and there is an better outcome directly connected to the end of it.

Depth comes through waiting and walking through.
Without waiting I don't think we'd ever become who we were meant to be.
We become more real.
More relatable.
More able to reach out and connect to others who have been waiting too.

Well, this is about all I can muster at the moment...other than to say...that God is good and He hears the cries of our hearts. I look forward to seeing His answers in the days to come.

Helped

I called him during my lunch hour on Wednesday as my car began to shudder and shake. I had left the school to buy cookies for the teacher meeting that afternoon. Most likely, I could have figured it out on my own...I could have waited until I left school to take my car to the garage. I could have ignored the problem and hoped for it to go away. But my dad is the best answer in any car crisis. I count on him to know what to do next. So I called to tell him about the problem. Almost right away he had already decided...he was going to take the day off to help me fix my car. What do you do in a moment like that...knowing your dad is going to come to the rescue...go out of his way to take care of something ?

I woke up this morning with the puffiest eyes I have ever seen. Seriously, I look like I have the eyes of a 70 year old. I called my mom...because mom's know what to do when it comes to things like this. She left her quiet Saturday morning to come and take me to the doctor. And I could have gone by myself. But it was so nice to have her there.

And then, this afternoon...after I had been held at the doctor's office for what seemed like forever and then finally got home...I was about in tears....my friend called. She brought me dinner from Panera...we watched a movie together...she drove me to WalGreen's to buy eyedrops and allergy medicine as we reinacted scenes from Hitch. I felt so cared for.

And my roomate...is so giving...goes out of her way to take care of so many things. Her and her boyfriend have blessed my life. I'm not sure that they even know how much encouragement I have received just from being around them.

I feel as if I am on the receiving end of so much grace. I am being helped instead of having to survive on my own. I don't know why it feels so out of the ordinary...but it does...and I am so thankful.

A Poem (or Poems) for the Evening

We wrote 5 W's Poems in class today. (Who, What, When, Where, Why) I think this type of poem reminds me of Wes. It captures a great deal of thought in very few words.

I
am still waiting
through days and nights
in my heart of hearts
because it is hard to give up hope.

Here is another:

He
listened to my words
that day
in the midst of other activities
contemplating, I suppose, what it might be like.

I
looked into his eyes
that same day
at the table where we sat
hoping to invest in more moments of just the same.

And another:

That city
has been calling my name
for six years
from some place deep within
unwilling to let me stay where I have settled in.

One more:

God
help me to rest from worry
tonight
in the patterns of my thoughts
I need to trust you.

I
feel better
now
at my computer
my thoughts creatively expressed and standing on their own.

It's hard to stop writing these poems....hehe. :)

Enough

These moments come too few and far between...you know...the ones where the only thing I can do, is ignore my to do list and sit in the silence after listening to a few amazing worship songs...and think...there's more.

I am realizing that my perspectives have remained small. My expectations have been slightly off course. And I realize that I have put others above Him. I have respected their thoughts and opinions more than I have waited on His. I have not let His perfect love define me. I have hidden in fear of being rejected or put aside. And I'm not really sure why. But I'm ready to face this. I'm ready to become the Ruth that slept at Boaz's feet, the Esther who boldy entered the courts of her king, the Rebecca that left everything she knew to marry Isaac, the Mary that trusted the word of God. They did not let their fears define them. Instead, they let their love for God define the course of their lives.

I have said many times recently, "I feel so much like that wave tossed back and forth". And I hate that thought because the book of James says that that person should not expect to hear anything from God. And then just the other day I read that verse again. It is the person who doubts who becomes that wave.

Have I been doubting? Have I been asking without believing? I am sure that it is all too true.

Here's the heart of it all: I have been allowing my desires to speak above His answers. All of my "what if's" have come to the forefront. And really, as I have allowed them speak louder than the words of God...it has become sin. No wonder I have not been at peace. No wonder my heart has not been at rest. Because it is only when we set our hearts on God, on drawing near to Him, that He gives us the desires of our hearts. Not the other way around.

The Lord keeps saying to me..over and over...to whom much is given, much is required. And I believe that this will sum up my life. He has already given me so much...now it's my job to believe Him, follow Him all the days of my life...to count the cost, to run after His heart, to show the plan of rescue to those who are in need Him. And I will. I will follow Him. No matter what. Because if I turned back now...there would be nothing to live for.

There is more. There is always more. I said this to my good friend Jilli tonight. We have as much of God as we want. We have as much of His plan as we choose to embrace.

And so tonight, I choose not to wallow in my unanswered plans and desires. I choose to set my heart on the author and finisher of my faith. I choose to believe that His love IS and will always be...enough.

Save ORU

As most of you have probably heard, ORU is going through some difficult times. It is hard for me to say anything against the university...my life was changed there, for the better. I knew God had called me to be there. My sister has also been blessed to be a student there.

However, rumors were constantly being spread about the family who ran the university. Those of us with wisdom stayed out of the debates...it only led to cynicism....and cynicism can lead to so many other things.

But the truth will always be found out. I pray that God brings truth and spares the university and the purposes He has for it. People all over the world have heard the gospel because of this place.

If you'd like to read more go here: Save ORU

Single

It's amazing because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married.
And now...in the face of new relationships I am second guessing that desire. It has been at the heart of every break-up, every time I have turned away for the hope of something more. In the back of mind, I have asked questions. But what about going to the nations? Would he go with me? What about singing, writing music and pursuing that passion? Would I be able to do this and still be committed to him? Each time, the answer has come along as "no". And each time I walk away I am drawn deeper into the heart of God, deeper into His plan for my life, and farther away from the desire to simply commit for the sake of be committed....if that makes any sense.

I joined eHarmony about two weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for awhile actually, thinking that it was about time I started to step out and take a look again. So when the 60% off coupon came along I jumped at the chance. I've met a couple of people...via email, not in person. But this question keeps coming up....what about the music? What about going and pursuing the calling of your heart? There's a very real chance I would lay it down in order to follow someone else's heart and calling...someone else's idea of what life should be. And it's at this point that my heart does a little bit of a flip-flop and I realize...I may not be ready to commit yet. I may not be ready for a family of my own. There is still more of the single life to chase after. There is still more of God to pursue.

Imagine...marriage and music...two of the biggest desires of my heart...competing for a chance to be fulfilled. And that's when I realize...that HE is my greatest desire. God, the one who has romanced me through the year, the one who has shown me the nations and asked me to walk through His fields, the one who has given me songs in the night, the one who takes me on adventures and walks with me.

I don't want to miss out on this romance I am tasting in some ways for the very first time.
And then again, in a tangible way, I do not want to be alone on this journey. I want to have a friend and companion to share this adventure with God. But only if it brings as much joy as I have now...only if it holds as much promise...as much excitement...as much intimacy. I now understand why Mattie wants to stay at the monastery....pursuing the God he loves. I now understand how there are men and women who are pursuing their passion and totally at peace with being single.

Praise God for the day I meet the man I will marry. But praise Him also for the days leading to that day....they truly are a gift.

Nashville

I'm about to follow a dream
To trust Him at His word
To believe that there is more
And step out
step forward
Let Him meet me there
And we'll see
as the days and nights unfold
What will become
Of these words, this song
We'll see
This is the dream bigger than I could hold
This is one I could not imagine without Him
This is the one
And I'm about to take the first step.

Good Gifts

DJ pointed out to me last night that her kids have taught her so much about the heart of God. As I went through today with my own kiddos, I was aware of our conversation.

R. is the sweetest little girl, but she is also headstrong, stubborn, and so longing for love and attention. There are good days and there are bad days. There are many days when I have to go way out of my way to get her back on track. This is true for teachers everywhere I am sure. However, she has a heart that longs for relationship. And every time she is in trouble, she writes an apology note explaining her situation. She apologizes over and over again, telling me how much she loves me and wants to do the right thing. It touches my heart every time, of course. And I just thought to myself today...she has the same pattern of behavior issues in my class...it is often a repeating pattern. But I would never kick her out. I would never stop loving her, accepting her, working with her to do better. There will be a day when she will move on from me but there will never be a day where I would not welcome her back. In essence, I was reminded of the verse that basically says, "And if we [earthly fathers] know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more does the Heavenly Father know how to give and even long to give good gifts to His children?"

Encouraging, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too.

Defined

I passed a milestone this past Thursday. And it may seem so simple, but it showed me something....

My lessons plans were done by Thursday night. I had planned on finishing them early, so that my weekend would be free for moving. What I didn't plan on was all of the extra ideas that would pop into my head, causing me to make yet another list of 20 things to do in my classroom this coming week. I took Friday off of school in order to pack...worried about the kids all day...debated over going in to collect their tests and papers at the end of the day...decided not to later on in the midst of my already busy day...then, thought all weekend about the rest of the class plans that needed to be made.

See, usually my lesson plans get put off until Sunday night. Usually, I hem and haw, feeling guilty about my "work free" Saturdays, lunch with friends after church, possibly a nap or two, etc., etc.

Even now, I am sitting here thinking about the missions update I need to send out to so many people...it's coming...dvd, pictures, newsletter all of it. I'm thinking about the music I'd like to start writing again. I'm thinking about the business that Lys and I only dream of at this point. So many things...and I wonder when I will actually find the time to pursue them.

All of this to say, that after finishing my normal "busy" work early on...I realized that it will never be enough. I will never be done with the feeling of having to do more. There will always be another project, another improvement, another way to achieve success. Now I see how work can become an addiction.

Now I see how easily we can become lost in the day to day striving.

Yesterday morning, Z., one of my students, came up to me while we stood in the line for the restrooms. He knew he was supposed to be quietly waiting his turn but he just had to tell me what happened that morning. Right before school, his mom had let him hold his new baby brother. He was so proud, so excited about the new life that he was able to be a part of. And I thought to myself...this is what life is about...not paperwork deadlines...not standards and rituals and routines. It's about enjoying the small, meaningful moments that can almost escape us if we are not careful.

I am so thankful for this move. I am thankful because the time I spend with my parents will now be planned and purposeful. I am thankful because I am living with two girls who know how to grab ahold of life and enjoy the moment. I need them right now.

I could almost get wrapped up in trying to perfect this job I'm in. It will never happen...no matter how late I stay into the evening...no matter how many hours of sleep I sacrifice. Yep, I'll feel awful good about the great job that I'm doing. But when I check my heart...where will I be...where will my song be playing...where will I have met with God? I'm not really sure...I have been too busy trying to be perfect...trying to be defined by the work that I do.

After dropping my kids off this afternoon...I walked back to my classroom and talked with Nan for an hour. It was raining outside...the classroom flooded with light contrasting the outdoor gloom. As she talked about heading home, I thought about the work that needed to be done. I decided to leave it and go home too. Tomorrow it will be waiting...and I'll think..."if only I had stayed...". But what is life without the prospect of love and spontaneity and enjoying a rainy, Tuesday evening with friends in your new apartment?

It's time to find the balance. It's time to follow my heart. Most importantly it's time to walk with the Lord and rely on His grace...not just my own strength.

Emeralds

"Miss T., they were talking about you," he said very seriously as he pulled me aside in the line.

"Oh really? What did 'they' say?"

He cleared his throat, stammered a little...

"It's okay, you won't be in trouble if you tell me."

"Well...they said...that your eyes were like emeralds."

"Oh," I said very importantly. "Thank you for letting me know."

"And they said you were ugly."

Ah, if only they had stopped at the emerald part... :)

Through

Sometimes God sends someone to awaken your tired, weary heart.

We talked about this someone tonight...and I remembered...how real, and beautiful, and painful that season had been. I remembered how I was never quite the same afterwards. My perspectives changed. I walked away knowing there was more.

I felt so alive and so beautiful, so much like a woman and a child all in the same body...he brought adventure, laughter, comradery, passion.

And then...he disappeared...and oh, the pain, the question of not feeling like I had been enough. This, this was the desire of my heart. Why had he come into my life...only to leave again?

I am old enough to know that if someone crosses our path it is for a reason. God's timing is so absolutly perfect. We do not run into each other by chance. We do not connect by mere accident.

And so what was the reason...for him? To this day I have only one answer...to awaken my heart again. Since that day, I have not been the same. I have longed to taste that life again; to grab ahold of the energy and the warmth of those days in early spring; longed for a love so seemingly unconditional and accepting.

Why am I writing this, in the early morning hours of my birthday? I'm not sure. I have spent my 27th year letting go of this experience. I have spent it trying to glean the lessons that I must learn. He might have saved me from compromising my heart in another way. He might have saved me for this very day when I would be looking ahead for more of God's BEST. But the whole truth is that God saved me, continues to save me...for Himself, for His plans and purposes...and that is the best love I can imagine.

If I had stopped there a year ago...stopped to rest in the arms of this someone...I would not be here writing this blog. I would not have known what He could do in and through me in this past year. And for that, I am thankful...to be at home, to be loved and to be waiting.

I had to go through to get here. Sometimes that's the only way I suppose.

What would you do?

What would you do if you heard of a man dying without God?

What would you do if given an open door to his bedside?

What would say to those mourning and in despair?

And if given 10 minutes alone in a funeral home with the body of this same man...what would you pray?

I wonder if your answer would be the same in reality as it is now in the comfort of your stature as you read this blog. I wonder if your answer would have anything to do with whether this man was a friend or stranger, or whether his religion was anything close to yours. I wonder what you really believe about the power of God?

I wonder because I have seen a man this week and I have been asked the very same questions.

I thank God for the gifts He has given me in this past week. He has given me a friend and prayer partner to do battle with. He has given confirming words to let us know we were hearing from Him. He has given us His joy and His peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding. And He has given us opportunity to rise up in faith and to be bold as women of God.

On the first day, we interceded for his healing and salvation. I kept hearing the word chutzpah. When we looked it up we found it to mean, "the character of someone who has the gall, after murdering his/her own parents, to throw himself/herself at the mercy of the court, because he/she is an orphan". Upon reading this, we were convinced that we had been standing in the gap, asking for God's mercy to be upon this man as he faced death for the wages of his sin.

We prayed for 2 days and on the second day we were able to go into his hospital room. This family was Hindu but they welcomed even our prayers over this man. Upon leaving we prayed more. My friend praying with me clearly heard, "He has sent His Word". We believe that God heard our prayer and rescued this man. Two hours later, his life support was removed and this man passed away.

It has now been 2 days since his death. My friend and I planned to meet for the viewing today at a certain time. While we were driving we talked on the phone and laughed, marveling at the possibility of men and women being raised from the dead...and how even today, it could happen. We both admitted to asking God for such a thing to happen. When we arrived, we found the room to be empty. The funeral director told us the family had left for a couple of hours to eat. He then left us alone in the room with the open casket. Could it be? We stood and prayed...calling on God for His will to be done, calling on God for what we thought could only be possible through Him. Why not ask Him? Why not?

I wish I could see what happened in the spiritual realm today.

After about ten minutes, the funeral director walked in and began to talk with us. He told us why he did not wear a watch. He said that once, he had visited the Basilica in Rome...when the Pope was there to speak. And while he was there, his watch was stolen...he believes it was by a man who had actually befriended him. Well, they found the man, but never found the watch. He continued to explain that when such events at the Basilica occur there are thieves everywhere. "Can you imagine," he said, "we were in the most holy of places on earth, coming to see such a holy person, and there were more thieves there than anywhere." His statement hit me right away...although he was speaking of things manmade, it reflected something in the spirit. The enemy knows when the glory of God is coming, and the enemy plans to set out and steal from the people of God who are gathered. How important that was to hear today. So many I have talked with this week know others who are dying or who died during this past week as well. So many are without hope and despair...the enemy has set out to kill, steal and destroy. That must mean one thing...that the glory of God is on its way, that it is here even now. That must mean that there are many who are ready to hear the word of God...who are waiting for His rescue, for His return.

There is so much more that has been planted into me this week. If only I could express it all. Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph.