There's nothing like a real and true friend. And if you have one, you understand the significance of this statement. There's a country song that sings,
"You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are"
I kind of thought it was cheesy...until it reminded me of some people I knew...until I realized who my friends were.
I have friends who faithfully come to every show I play...even when I play the same songs over and over. I have friends who bring me food and company when I am sick. I have friends who pay for my meals...just because. I have friends who would take a week off of work to move me across the country. I have friends who pray for me. I have friends who run after me when I'm lost in the middle of the city. Friends who text the most encouraging messages right out of the blue. Friends who forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. Friends who stay friends no matter how many years or seasons come between us.
I have friends. And I'd just like to say thank you. There are people who say one thing and do another, but then there are those who don't even have to say a word...they're just there. You all are God's gift to my life...His way of showing just how much He cares. I don't even know where to start when it comes to paying back the kindness and acceptance. And truly, I don't think I can. Y'all put me in my place...you make me want to reach out and do just the same.
Tuesday, May 20
Monday, May 19
It's Time
We live in a society that lends itself to isolation. Ironically, it is also the age of effortless communication. Ipods, computers, internet, video games, movies, television, cell phones...you name it. Walk through an airport and try to find someone who is not occupied with some kind of communicative device. However, walk into the home of any American citizen and see how much authentic, real-time communication is actually taking place. Slowly, and yet not so slowly, we are trading face to face relationship for bits and pieces of the real thing. And it is not fulfilling.
I look around and I see tired people...working, working, working...and for what? To come home and not enjoy what life was really meant to be. I know many nights I come home late from work, pop in a healthy choice meal, sit in front of the computer checking emails and blogs and that is only interaction I will have with anyone at all. Once in awhile, I enjoy such an evening...okay at least once a week I enjoy such an evening...but night after night, it begins to wear on me. And I know it wears on others. Where is the life we were meant to live????
Were we meant to earn a paycheck and then let the rest of life pass us by? What is the point of that paycheck? What is the point of work? Are we not also meant to make a mark on this world? Are we not also meant to find friendship and love and purpose?
There are two sides to every story...yes, there are successful people my age, running after their dreams soaking up life for all it is worth. But what about those who are lost in the cycle of practicality? I have grown up leaning on the practical answers....I need to live well, therefore, I need an education, I need a stable job, I need a house, 2.5 children, 1.2 pets, etc., etc. So we build our lives based on expectation. We are expected to perform and therefore we do. Forget the dreams way deep down in our hearts. Forget the passion that rises when we see the things in front of us that we most long for. Forget relationships in the face of paperwork and deadlines. And the more we push aside what matters deep down in the heart of us, the more we forget what was important in the first place. The matters of our hearts become buried deep. And we begin to survive on the surface...just get by, just get to the next place, just make it through the day, just reach for that small moment of relief of rest. And before we know it...we are sleeping through the best days of our lives.
We make empty promises at best and then fail time and time again to get to "that place" we long to be. What are we really working to obtain?
I took an online stress test today. It told me that I could have severe problems within the next 2 years if I didn't find a proper way to deal with the stress. Well, I don't believe that I will have problems. I do believe the stress levels will decrease. However, I know that I don't experience half of what others go through. Imagine, this generation, working, working, working....straining, striving, and for what? What are we working so hard for? What is it we really want? Where do we really want to be? Who do we really want to be with?
Can we start asking the real questions here? Who do we love? How we can we love them better? Let's start there. And because we love, how will we live? What changes do we long to see in the world? How can we help bring about those changes? These are the real questions.
These are the reasons that we are alive. It has nothing to do with the accumulation of money and possessions. It has nothing to do with saving face in lieu of society's expectations.
In 20 years will you look back and find that most of your memories are connected to digital equipment? Will you look back and see the lost opportunities for looking into another person's eyes and having a real conversation? Will you look back and find that you took the time for friends and family when it mattered most...and even when it mattered just a little? And what about time for strangers? They cross our paths for a reason...who knows what reason that may be?
It's time to wake up. It's time to come out of this cloud that hovers over our busy lives. It's time to see what we are really meant to be. It's time to change. It's time to do something different, something out of the ordinary. It's time to break the mold. It's time to take a walk in the middle of the day, breath in the fresh air, and ask, "what's next?" It's time to step out of the isolation, look into someone else's eyes, reach out for a hand to hold, run ahead of the things that would hold us behind...and press on towards that which calls us heavenward.
It's time.
I look around and I see tired people...working, working, working...and for what? To come home and not enjoy what life was really meant to be. I know many nights I come home late from work, pop in a healthy choice meal, sit in front of the computer checking emails and blogs and that is only interaction I will have with anyone at all. Once in awhile, I enjoy such an evening...okay at least once a week I enjoy such an evening...but night after night, it begins to wear on me. And I know it wears on others. Where is the life we were meant to live????
Were we meant to earn a paycheck and then let the rest of life pass us by? What is the point of that paycheck? What is the point of work? Are we not also meant to make a mark on this world? Are we not also meant to find friendship and love and purpose?
There are two sides to every story...yes, there are successful people my age, running after their dreams soaking up life for all it is worth. But what about those who are lost in the cycle of practicality? I have grown up leaning on the practical answers....I need to live well, therefore, I need an education, I need a stable job, I need a house, 2.5 children, 1.2 pets, etc., etc. So we build our lives based on expectation. We are expected to perform and therefore we do. Forget the dreams way deep down in our hearts. Forget the passion that rises when we see the things in front of us that we most long for. Forget relationships in the face of paperwork and deadlines. And the more we push aside what matters deep down in the heart of us, the more we forget what was important in the first place. The matters of our hearts become buried deep. And we begin to survive on the surface...just get by, just get to the next place, just make it through the day, just reach for that small moment of relief of rest. And before we know it...we are sleeping through the best days of our lives.
We make empty promises at best and then fail time and time again to get to "that place" we long to be. What are we really working to obtain?
I took an online stress test today. It told me that I could have severe problems within the next 2 years if I didn't find a proper way to deal with the stress. Well, I don't believe that I will have problems. I do believe the stress levels will decrease. However, I know that I don't experience half of what others go through. Imagine, this generation, working, working, working....straining, striving, and for what? What are we working so hard for? What is it we really want? Where do we really want to be? Who do we really want to be with?
Can we start asking the real questions here? Who do we love? How we can we love them better? Let's start there. And because we love, how will we live? What changes do we long to see in the world? How can we help bring about those changes? These are the real questions.
These are the reasons that we are alive. It has nothing to do with the accumulation of money and possessions. It has nothing to do with saving face in lieu of society's expectations.
In 20 years will you look back and find that most of your memories are connected to digital equipment? Will you look back and see the lost opportunities for looking into another person's eyes and having a real conversation? Will you look back and find that you took the time for friends and family when it mattered most...and even when it mattered just a little? And what about time for strangers? They cross our paths for a reason...who knows what reason that may be?
It's time to wake up. It's time to come out of this cloud that hovers over our busy lives. It's time to see what we are really meant to be. It's time to change. It's time to do something different, something out of the ordinary. It's time to break the mold. It's time to take a walk in the middle of the day, breath in the fresh air, and ask, "what's next?" It's time to step out of the isolation, look into someone else's eyes, reach out for a hand to hold, run ahead of the things that would hold us behind...and press on towards that which calls us heavenward.
It's time.
Sunday, May 18
In His Hands
...how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings... ~matthew 23:36-38
I have become a mother to three little chicks this past week. To make a long story short...they should not have survived due to the temperatures they faced while still inside the egg. But my students seem to be connected to the power of prayer this year. They prayed these chickies through daily...and now there are 3.
They each have a personality of their own. They have become the highlight of our classroom experience for the past month.
I took them home this weekend. They did not like the car experience. I sat the brooder box in the passenger seat. They cried and chirped and slid all over. So I stuck my hand in the box to try and calm them down. Within minutes all three were pushing and prodding and wiggling their way into the palm of my hand to see who could get the closest. And when they finally had found a comfortable fit they stayed right there, cuddled in for the rest of the 20 minute car ride.
I took them to mom and dad's house today. They did the same thing. And as I road home tonight...one hand on the wheel, one hand holding three baby chicks...I imagined myself in the hand of God. Unable to hold on for myself...thrown about by the twists and turns of the road...unable to see the road or have understanding of where I am actually going...having only to trust and rest in the hand that reaches out to hold me close...to comfort me.
It made this verse seem so perfect tonight.
I have become a mother to three little chicks this past week. To make a long story short...they should not have survived due to the temperatures they faced while still inside the egg. But my students seem to be connected to the power of prayer this year. They prayed these chickies through daily...and now there are 3.
They each have a personality of their own. They have become the highlight of our classroom experience for the past month.
I took them home this weekend. They did not like the car experience. I sat the brooder box in the passenger seat. They cried and chirped and slid all over. So I stuck my hand in the box to try and calm them down. Within minutes all three were pushing and prodding and wiggling their way into the palm of my hand to see who could get the closest. And when they finally had found a comfortable fit they stayed right there, cuddled in for the rest of the 20 minute car ride.
I took them to mom and dad's house today. They did the same thing. And as I road home tonight...one hand on the wheel, one hand holding three baby chicks...I imagined myself in the hand of God. Unable to hold on for myself...thrown about by the twists and turns of the road...unable to see the road or have understanding of where I am actually going...having only to trust and rest in the hand that reaches out to hold me close...to comfort me.
It made this verse seem so perfect tonight.
Saturday, May 17
All of a Sudden
This school year seemed so long. In fact, the last few years have seemed long. And all of a sudden, it is time to quietly pack up my things and begin again. It hit me today. I have three weeks left. Three weeks to make a difference in the lives of my students. Three weeks to spread life and hope to an inner city community.
I read them stories of Narnia. I talked to them about forgiveness. I hugged them. I told them I loved them. I prayed for them and alongside them. I gave out second chances. I held them accountable. I argued with them and pushed them. I waited for them...did my best not to leave them behind. I failed them. I supposed I inspired some. I disappointed them...made some angry. I grew up with them. I learned from them. I listened. I stood up for them. I gave them my time, my money, my resources. I got up early. I stayed late. I did all I thought I could do and then some. But was it enough?
Oh, God, has it been enough? Is it a work that will last? Is it a work that will continue for years down the road? I will carry them with me...their faces, their words, their laughter, their tears, their stories. I have not walked in their shoes. But I have tied up their laces. I have reminded them to keep the shoes on their feet. And from what I have seen, in so many ways, their young shoes are more worn than my own. I feel the weight of it tonight. I was called to walk with them for 3 years. And I don't want to leave them. I want to hug them and encourage them and push them to be better than they hoped to ever be. I want to see them step out of the despondency, hatred, and offense of their experiences. I want to see them embrace a life of wonder and learning...to take on problem solving as their own. I want to see them own the world...not become victims to it.
They have taught me how to fight...how to stand up again. They have taught me to push for something better. They have taught me that love is the most resilient of qualities. They have taught me how to sing a better song. They have taught me about beauty and joy and the power of prayer. They have taught me about saying I'm sorry. They have taught me how to give better...how to be more thankful. The list goes on and on.
Really and truly, God knew exactly where to put me in order to bring me to this place. I don't know if I will continue to teach. I don't really know. But I do know that I would not be who I am without having walked through the doors of this elementary school 3 years ago. With three weeks left to go....I am challenged to make the most of it.
I read them stories of Narnia. I talked to them about forgiveness. I hugged them. I told them I loved them. I prayed for them and alongside them. I gave out second chances. I held them accountable. I argued with them and pushed them. I waited for them...did my best not to leave them behind. I failed them. I supposed I inspired some. I disappointed them...made some angry. I grew up with them. I learned from them. I listened. I stood up for them. I gave them my time, my money, my resources. I got up early. I stayed late. I did all I thought I could do and then some. But was it enough?
Oh, God, has it been enough? Is it a work that will last? Is it a work that will continue for years down the road? I will carry them with me...their faces, their words, their laughter, their tears, their stories. I have not walked in their shoes. But I have tied up their laces. I have reminded them to keep the shoes on their feet. And from what I have seen, in so many ways, their young shoes are more worn than my own. I feel the weight of it tonight. I was called to walk with them for 3 years. And I don't want to leave them. I want to hug them and encourage them and push them to be better than they hoped to ever be. I want to see them step out of the despondency, hatred, and offense of their experiences. I want to see them embrace a life of wonder and learning...to take on problem solving as their own. I want to see them own the world...not become victims to it.
They have taught me how to fight...how to stand up again. They have taught me to push for something better. They have taught me that love is the most resilient of qualities. They have taught me how to sing a better song. They have taught me about beauty and joy and the power of prayer. They have taught me about saying I'm sorry. They have taught me how to give better...how to be more thankful. The list goes on and on.
Really and truly, God knew exactly where to put me in order to bring me to this place. I don't know if I will continue to teach. I don't really know. But I do know that I would not be who I am without having walked through the doors of this elementary school 3 years ago. With three weeks left to go....I am challenged to make the most of it.
Tuesday, May 13
What If?
Last year we had an outside organization come in to teach our class about embryology. They set us up with the whole project. In the midst of the first lesson the teacher told the children that he did not accept "what if" questions. He thought them a waste of time. In his eyes, too much time and energy was spent on imagination, rather than learning the bare bones and facts about chicks and how they hatch. And at the time I thought, "how clever", he found a way to take all the rabbit trails out of the lesson.
Well, about two weeks ago an author came to the school and broke this theory into a million little pieces. I asked her where she found her inspiration to write. I asked because so many of my own students get writer's block. I wanted them to hear how to come up with ideas. Right away, she shared that she plays the "what if" game. She put value on that statement...saying that it was the most powerful question we could ask. If we could ask "what if", anything was and is possible.
Well, there is a scripture that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask, think, imagine.
So, I have discarded the first lesson in "what if" and I have graduated to a new level. "What if" has become my new favorite question.
Which leads me to the next point...it's time to start asking the "what if" questions.
What if ....
What if there was a reason to smile again?
What if there was a reason to hope for more?
What if there really is more to the story?
What if God really loves you?
What if you could be healed of cancer?
What if AIDS was curable?
What if someone could be raised from the dead?
What if you could be free from your addiction?
What if you didn't have to face the torment in your mind any longer?
What if the organ you needed showed up in your body without an operation?
What if your debts were forgiven?
What if you could find peace?
What if your family came back together?
What if you found a purpose?
What if you found a reason for living?
What if your prayers were answered?
Even just in this past month, these things are happening. And the list is longer than just this. A boy was dead for 15 minutes after an accident, was prayed over and came back to life without any brain damage. Another person was dead in a morgue, was prayed over by their family, and came back to life. It's happening around the world. It's happening in our country. Cancer is disappearing. Addictions are leaving. Mental distress is lifting. Families are coming together. Hope is being restored. Hearts are turning to God.
We've had enough of religion. We've had enough of empty promises. We've had enough of being peddled for money. We've had enough of the haughty eyes of those who look down on the less fortunate souls who have not darkened the doorwarys of a church building. Enough.
But there is another church rising up. A hungry church, a desperate church. A church who is crying out for a God of power. A God who reaches out and touches His people. A God who answers prayer. A God who embraces. A God who paid the price so that His children did not have to.
What if you are hungry?
What if you are desparate?
What if what you have reached for was not quite satisfying enough?
What if there is more?
What if God touched your life?
What if you asked Him to?
And what if He does?
Something new is in the air. Something we may have only heard about in stories in other countries, times, and peoples. It's about to become real in our own lives. It's about to visit our homes and our families. He is coming. God is ready to visit us again. And not just to give us whatever we desire...not just to make our lives less complicated...but just to tell us that He loves us...just to win over our hearts...to draw us close and tell us that He is not angry, or distant, or disinterested.
If we would only turn to Him...pour out our hearts to Him...tell Him that we need Him. If only we would ask Him to come. If only we would run in His direction. He would run to us. He would wrap us in His arms. He would move mountains and change our lives.
It's happening...it may not look the way you think it would...but it is....check out these articles and websites and see for yourself...people from all over the world are flocking to Florida...and this is only the beginning:
Article
Revival Article
Watch Live @ 10am and 7pm...or watch clips anytime
Well, about two weeks ago an author came to the school and broke this theory into a million little pieces. I asked her where she found her inspiration to write. I asked because so many of my own students get writer's block. I wanted them to hear how to come up with ideas. Right away, she shared that she plays the "what if" game. She put value on that statement...saying that it was the most powerful question we could ask. If we could ask "what if", anything was and is possible.
Well, there is a scripture that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask, think, imagine.
So, I have discarded the first lesson in "what if" and I have graduated to a new level. "What if" has become my new favorite question.
Which leads me to the next point...it's time to start asking the "what if" questions.
What if ....
What if there was a reason to smile again?
What if there was a reason to hope for more?
What if there really is more to the story?
What if God really loves you?
What if you could be healed of cancer?
What if AIDS was curable?
What if someone could be raised from the dead?
What if you could be free from your addiction?
What if you didn't have to face the torment in your mind any longer?
What if the organ you needed showed up in your body without an operation?
What if your debts were forgiven?
What if you could find peace?
What if your family came back together?
What if you found a purpose?
What if you found a reason for living?
What if your prayers were answered?
Even just in this past month, these things are happening. And the list is longer than just this. A boy was dead for 15 minutes after an accident, was prayed over and came back to life without any brain damage. Another person was dead in a morgue, was prayed over by their family, and came back to life. It's happening around the world. It's happening in our country. Cancer is disappearing. Addictions are leaving. Mental distress is lifting. Families are coming together. Hope is being restored. Hearts are turning to God.
We've had enough of religion. We've had enough of empty promises. We've had enough of being peddled for money. We've had enough of the haughty eyes of those who look down on the less fortunate souls who have not darkened the doorwarys of a church building. Enough.
But there is another church rising up. A hungry church, a desperate church. A church who is crying out for a God of power. A God who reaches out and touches His people. A God who answers prayer. A God who embraces. A God who paid the price so that His children did not have to.
What if you are hungry?
What if you are desparate?
What if what you have reached for was not quite satisfying enough?
What if there is more?
What if God touched your life?
What if you asked Him to?
And what if He does?
Something new is in the air. Something we may have only heard about in stories in other countries, times, and peoples. It's about to become real in our own lives. It's about to visit our homes and our families. He is coming. God is ready to visit us again. And not just to give us whatever we desire...not just to make our lives less complicated...but just to tell us that He loves us...just to win over our hearts...to draw us close and tell us that He is not angry, or distant, or disinterested.
If we would only turn to Him...pour out our hearts to Him...tell Him that we need Him. If only we would ask Him to come. If only we would run in His direction. He would run to us. He would wrap us in His arms. He would move mountains and change our lives.
It's happening...it may not look the way you think it would...but it is....check out these articles and websites and see for yourself...people from all over the world are flocking to Florida...and this is only the beginning:
Article
Revival Article
Watch Live @ 10am and 7pm...or watch clips anytime
Friday, May 9
Press Through
There is nothing like coming to the end of a long day or long week for that matter and knowing the joy of pressing through. This phrase just keeps running through my head, "press through". I don't feel any kind of permission to back down at this point or run away or shrink back as if I didn't know any better. I have to love anyways. I have to try anyways. I have to find a way. I have to keep going. I have to wake up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and get to the other side of the day.
In comparison, my week is nothing compared to that of some of my own children. I wish I could just write out all the stories I hear throughout the day. But the inner struggle is the same in a lot of ways. How do go further when you feel like you've done all you can do? How do you move on when you just want to cling to what you see? How do you find hope when all you've known are disappointments? How do you find life in the face of death? How do you pull ideas and visions from a place where there was nothing to begin with? All questions I have been asking.
And this is what I am learning:
I am not entitled to be treated well by anyone, but I am called to love despite what another's choice may be. Just because I love someone, does not mean they will love me in return. And I am not just speaking romantically. I am speaking on behalf of treating others around with kindness, respect and dignity.
Seasons change. What I see now may not be what I see later. But the truth is that God has a plan...a perfect plan...one that brings me a hope and a future. And I have to trust that simple truth. I have to trust despite the fact that my circumstances speak otherwise, despite the fact that my emotions want to dictate where I place my heart.
Just because I don't know the answer does not mean that I am not accountable to finding it. There are gifts and dreams inside of us that we will never realize...unless we take the risk...unless we push ourselves towards more...and hold ourselves accountable to staying there and seeing it through, even when the work is challenging and takes extra research and effort. Even when we have to start at square one. Even when we have to go a new way...all by ourselves.
God has ideas we never even dreamed of. What would happen if we just let go and trusted Him to bring it to pass? What would happen if we just enjoyed our seasons and did what He put in our hands to do...without complaining, without becoming offended, without being afraid?
I have known these things that I write about tonight, but I can tell the lessons are going even deeper. They are almost unspoken lessons...lessons you have to learn by heart, by going through...lessons that speak hope in the midst of adverse circumstances...lessons that show me the faithfulness of God.
Just when we think we'll never make it through, just when we think we need to step back and retreat, the promise is waiting...press through...press through. This is where the song springs forth...this is where the breakthrough takes place...this is where we learn to truly live.
In comparison, my week is nothing compared to that of some of my own children. I wish I could just write out all the stories I hear throughout the day. But the inner struggle is the same in a lot of ways. How do go further when you feel like you've done all you can do? How do you move on when you just want to cling to what you see? How do you find hope when all you've known are disappointments? How do you find life in the face of death? How do you pull ideas and visions from a place where there was nothing to begin with? All questions I have been asking.
And this is what I am learning:
I am not entitled to be treated well by anyone, but I am called to love despite what another's choice may be. Just because I love someone, does not mean they will love me in return. And I am not just speaking romantically. I am speaking on behalf of treating others around with kindness, respect and dignity.
Seasons change. What I see now may not be what I see later. But the truth is that God has a plan...a perfect plan...one that brings me a hope and a future. And I have to trust that simple truth. I have to trust despite the fact that my circumstances speak otherwise, despite the fact that my emotions want to dictate where I place my heart.
Just because I don't know the answer does not mean that I am not accountable to finding it. There are gifts and dreams inside of us that we will never realize...unless we take the risk...unless we push ourselves towards more...and hold ourselves accountable to staying there and seeing it through, even when the work is challenging and takes extra research and effort. Even when we have to start at square one. Even when we have to go a new way...all by ourselves.
God has ideas we never even dreamed of. What would happen if we just let go and trusted Him to bring it to pass? What would happen if we just enjoyed our seasons and did what He put in our hands to do...without complaining, without becoming offended, without being afraid?
I have known these things that I write about tonight, but I can tell the lessons are going even deeper. They are almost unspoken lessons...lessons you have to learn by heart, by going through...lessons that speak hope in the midst of adverse circumstances...lessons that show me the faithfulness of God.
Just when we think we'll never make it through, just when we think we need to step back and retreat, the promise is waiting...press through...press through. This is where the song springs forth...this is where the breakthrough takes place...this is where we learn to truly live.
Tuesday, May 6
Somewhere Out There
He's always been out there (as Fievel so eloquently puts it). Untangible and yet so real. At the end of a breakup...in the midst of a disappointments, and politics and world events...in the words of a friend...in the faces of strangers at airports and foreign countries...in dreams for the future...right in the depths of my heart as I walk through life.
And I just want to see his face. I just want to know that he really is real. I just want to know that in his eyes I am worthy of all the love in the world.
I have heard so many promises about him. I have heard plenty of advice. There have been quite a few times when I have put my dream of him behind another man's face...only to find it an illusion and utter disappointment.
Please don't write to me and tell me the grass is greener on the other side. Please don't tell me that it's just not the right time yet. Please don't tell me that God has the perfect man in mind for me. Please forget about the fact tonight that a man will not fulfill all my needs. I KNOW.
I just want him to come. I just him to wrap me up in a hug and tell me he's waited all his life to look into my eyes. And that's it.
Because I am tired of hoping and not seeing that hope fulfilled. I am tired of not being good enough, or worthy enough...or just the right size and shape. I am tired of being overlooked and never knowing the reason. I am quite done with all of it.
There are moments when I just want to be loved without anything asked in return. There comes a time when it seems so out of place to put up boundaries and walls and pretend that it's fun to be independent. There comes a time when you just want someone to notice, to listen, to go out of their way....to break through the walls and the windows and the doors and just simply say, "I love you."
I walked through St. Pete last weekend reading words chalked on the sidewalk, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those are the words that run through my mind now. I don't know how to love someone I can't see. I don't know how to love those I do see when they don't see me. I don't know a lot of things. This is the most honest post I have written in awhile. I know it's honest when there are tears between the words.
I know I am loved and that I am important to a lot of people. I feel the same way about many others. I know I am not alone. There just comes a time when you want to walk with someone tangibly....reach out and know someone is reaching back.
I have only held pieces of great love. I have heard about it and seen it in others. But the dream of it is so alive in my heart. And wherever he is...I hope he has eyes to see...I am tired of jumping up and down, running back and forth. Like I said yesterday, I am ready to let go...whether that means singleness the rest of my life or not. I have held out in this game of tag, only to find that it one-sided, with no one to come and unfreeze me from this position.
For the past two days my heart has burned at the words of a friend. And I cannot say a word in my defense. I wish I could...I wish I could just let it all out. But I realize that to ask someone to love you, to run after you could not be taken in the end as great and true love. If they do not love you in the first place, how can you plead with them to change their mind? If I did this very thing, I would wonder all my life if there was not something greater to be had all along. I have chosen silence over solace...in hopes that what I wait for really and truly will come to pass...it's the waiting that feeds the hope...because without waiting, how could one hope?...and without hope, how could one wait?
And I just want to see his face. I just want to know that he really is real. I just want to know that in his eyes I am worthy of all the love in the world.
I have heard so many promises about him. I have heard plenty of advice. There have been quite a few times when I have put my dream of him behind another man's face...only to find it an illusion and utter disappointment.
Please don't write to me and tell me the grass is greener on the other side. Please don't tell me that it's just not the right time yet. Please don't tell me that God has the perfect man in mind for me. Please forget about the fact tonight that a man will not fulfill all my needs. I KNOW.
I just want him to come. I just him to wrap me up in a hug and tell me he's waited all his life to look into my eyes. And that's it.
Because I am tired of hoping and not seeing that hope fulfilled. I am tired of not being good enough, or worthy enough...or just the right size and shape. I am tired of being overlooked and never knowing the reason. I am quite done with all of it.
There are moments when I just want to be loved without anything asked in return. There comes a time when it seems so out of place to put up boundaries and walls and pretend that it's fun to be independent. There comes a time when you just want someone to notice, to listen, to go out of their way....to break through the walls and the windows and the doors and just simply say, "I love you."
I walked through St. Pete last weekend reading words chalked on the sidewalk, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those are the words that run through my mind now. I don't know how to love someone I can't see. I don't know how to love those I do see when they don't see me. I don't know a lot of things. This is the most honest post I have written in awhile. I know it's honest when there are tears between the words.
I know I am loved and that I am important to a lot of people. I feel the same way about many others. I know I am not alone. There just comes a time when you want to walk with someone tangibly....reach out and know someone is reaching back.
I have only held pieces of great love. I have heard about it and seen it in others. But the dream of it is so alive in my heart. And wherever he is...I hope he has eyes to see...I am tired of jumping up and down, running back and forth. Like I said yesterday, I am ready to let go...whether that means singleness the rest of my life or not. I have held out in this game of tag, only to find that it one-sided, with no one to come and unfreeze me from this position.
For the past two days my heart has burned at the words of a friend. And I cannot say a word in my defense. I wish I could...I wish I could just let it all out. But I realize that to ask someone to love you, to run after you could not be taken in the end as great and true love. If they do not love you in the first place, how can you plead with them to change their mind? If I did this very thing, I would wonder all my life if there was not something greater to be had all along. I have chosen silence over solace...in hopes that what I wait for really and truly will come to pass...it's the waiting that feeds the hope...because without waiting, how could one hope?...and without hope, how could one wait?
Monday, May 5
Ain't No Fool
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.
~Jim Elliot
Waiting is the hardest part. Waiting without saying a word. Without telling someone else exactly what you are waiting for. But hoping nonetheless that your request has been heard, that the answer is not far from showing its face.Tonight, I am waiting. Tonight, I am quiet and holding out hope that the answers will become clearer...if I just trust, if I just let it go, if I just allow God to fashion my heart to be able to receive such a gift.
It will not happen in my own strength. I have already seen the measure of my own effort and it does not amount to very much. I end up strangling hope as I cling to a fear that what I have worked so hard for, thought so long about, made plans for, dreamed a thousand times over could all just disappear, leaving me alone and back at square one.
No, it will have to be Him. It will have to be His way. Yes, I will take the steps. But I have to hear His voice. I have to know His heart. I have to see it His way. Otherwise, I will be utterly disappointed. Otherwise, I will completely misunderstand. Because whether it comes to pass or not, dwelling in His love should be and is enough.
I want to dwell in the land of "because He is...I am, I have, I will". Without Him, I might as well be content to live in the places of "I wish" or "if only"...striving for things that are just out of reach, as if I could never have them in the first place. But I know better. I know there is more with Him, than without Him. His burden is easy. His yoke it light. There is no other way.
Tonight, I am letting go.
Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God. And it is in giving them up, that you will truly have your desires fulfilled. God is not a spoilsport. He doesn't want you to give up your dream, and have it replaced by something lousy. God wants you to give up your puny little dream, and look up, and see his dream for your life. His dream for your life is the most exciting, most fulfilling, most exciting thing you will ever do. That's because God's dream for your life perfectly matches exactly who you are. God wants your best. He wants the best from you, and He wants to give the best to you.
Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God.
And without faith it is impossible to please God.
Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God.
And without faith it is impossible to please God.
~Graeme Codrington "He Is No Fool"
Monday, April 28
Sunday, April 13
On Keeping a Promise
My friend Kate recently told me about her grandparents who met in England during World War II. Her Grandpa was an American soldier, her grandmother a girl who lived in Great Britain. They fell in love, got married and planned for her to meet him 6 months later in America. There were no phone calls during those 6 months, no letters, no visits. She had to leave behind everything she knew, leave her family. And yet, she went because she trusted that he would meet her on the other side...that he would take care of her, love her for the rest of her life. And decades later, up until the time his body would no longer allow him to do so, he would still bring her tea in bed every morning. He took care of her. Kept his promise.
This story seems so foreign to me...so romantic...so...well, just as I always wished it would be. But it's hard for me to think it could happen in my own life. I change my mind like the wind. One day I feel a certain way and the next I am the opposite. And I know I'm not the only one.
A man I once loved promised to never leave...but he did, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My dad promised me a doll house, but it just never happened. He's an awesome dad, loves me so much, has gone out of his way for me hundreds of times...he just didn't find the time to build the dollhouse I wanted as a little girl. I don't hold that against him. I look around me and I see others who have hoped for more and have not found it. I look at today's politics, the divorce rate, the failures of high profile religious figures, the highly publicized broken relationships of Hollywood, the thousands of children in foster care, crowded jail cells, not to mention the modern art and craft of marketing and making a sale. People's words hold less and less value in this day and age. And truthfully, I think I have just learned to adapt. I have learned how to live without someone keeping their word...to act satisfied in spite of disappointment...to act as if I didn't really need the promise yet anyways. The promise just keeps moving one step ahead of me...leading me in it's direction, causing me to walk carefully, but never making good on what I hoped it would be. And I have wondered over and over...Will I really see it come to pass? I have so often lived in the fear of carrying false hope.
That's where I was in the car this morning. I realized that I don't believe God loves me as much as He says He does. I realized how afraid I have been that He is ready to put me out of the house. I have been afraid that I am not enough in His eyes. I have felt as if I have not been trying hard enough, working long enough, setting my heart in the right place, longing for the right things, loving the way I should be. The list goes on and on about how much I have messed up. Sure, He loves others unconditionally. But for me, it seems so much more has been required...for me somehow, I am not allowed to mess up. Because if I do mess up, then surely I would be a disappointment to Him. I would miss out on all that He has for me. I would miss out on what He has promised for my life.
I think I have reacted this way to people too. So often I have been afraid that one wrong move would mean a broken relationship or some kind of rejection.
This story seems so foreign to me...so romantic...so...well, just as I always wished it would be. But it's hard for me to think it could happen in my own life. I change my mind like the wind. One day I feel a certain way and the next I am the opposite. And I know I'm not the only one.
A man I once loved promised to never leave...but he did, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My dad promised me a doll house, but it just never happened. He's an awesome dad, loves me so much, has gone out of his way for me hundreds of times...he just didn't find the time to build the dollhouse I wanted as a little girl. I don't hold that against him. I look around me and I see others who have hoped for more and have not found it. I look at today's politics, the divorce rate, the failures of high profile religious figures, the highly publicized broken relationships of Hollywood, the thousands of children in foster care, crowded jail cells, not to mention the modern art and craft of marketing and making a sale. People's words hold less and less value in this day and age. And truthfully, I think I have just learned to adapt. I have learned how to live without someone keeping their word...to act satisfied in spite of disappointment...to act as if I didn't really need the promise yet anyways. The promise just keeps moving one step ahead of me...leading me in it's direction, causing me to walk carefully, but never making good on what I hoped it would be. And I have wondered over and over...Will I really see it come to pass? I have so often lived in the fear of carrying false hope.
That's where I was in the car this morning. I realized that I don't believe God loves me as much as He says He does. I realized how afraid I have been that He is ready to put me out of the house. I have been afraid that I am not enough in His eyes. I have felt as if I have not been trying hard enough, working long enough, setting my heart in the right place, longing for the right things, loving the way I should be. The list goes on and on about how much I have messed up. Sure, He loves others unconditionally. But for me, it seems so much more has been required...for me somehow, I am not allowed to mess up. Because if I do mess up, then surely I would be a disappointment to Him. I would miss out on all that He has for me. I would miss out on what He has promised for my life.
I think I have reacted this way to people too. So often I have been afraid that one wrong move would mean a broken relationship or some kind of rejection.
And, in addition, if I change my mind so often, surely others do too. Surely their opinion one day might not be their opinion the next. And, therefore, how can I trust what they said to me the day before?
But God is not a man that He should lie. God's promises are yes and amen. God is working all things together for our good. God is patient with us. God is going to complete the good work that He has begun in us. God knows the plans He has for us...plans to give us a hope and a future. God wrote a book about each of our lives...He loved us before we ever knew about Him.
And Romans 5 talks about the very fact that we are unable to ever be good enough to earn the love of God. God knew this. God's plan all along was to redeem us from our own depravity. So He sent Jesus to die in our place. Because of Jesus, we never have to feel unworthy or unable to meet His expectations. He loves us...period. He is working on our behalf...period.
In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years for God's promise of a son. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years before they saw their promised land. Joseph received a promise from God when he was a teenager that did not come to pass until he was 30. David was anointed as king at a young age but he did not get to the throne until he was about 30 either. They walked through testing and trials along the way. There were days when they did not think they would make it...days when they questioned whether they heard correctly from the Lord...days when they probably questioned whether they had missed what God said all together. But God followed through. The promises did come to pass. Those days of waiting didn't mean that God didn't love them, or that He was waiting for them to get it together and make it happen for themselves. God had a plan. He had a plan that would cause their hearts to turn to Him, to be prepared...so that when the perfect time came, He could open the door and they would be ready and able to walk in the promise.
I am 28 years old and I am only now just realizing that God doesn't change His mind. When He says something, He means it. When He makes a promise, He will follow through. When He says He loves me, that will never change. When He says He will never leave me, He won't. When He says He is going to bless my life, He will. I don't have to worry about messing up. He'll take care of it. I don't have to worry about making a wrong move. He's working all things together for my good. He doesn't change His mind about me.
I'll probably keep coming back to read this blog post. I'll probably write more about it too. It is time to change my mind about a few things. It is time to stop being afraid of God's disappointment and punishment...time to start trusting in His great love for me. Maybe then, I'll be at rest a little more. Maybe then, I'll be able to run more freely in this great grace He has given to all of us. Maybe, I'll become someone who follows through and keeps my word. Maybe, I'll find others who want to do the same.
So, what do you think?
But God is not a man that He should lie. God's promises are yes and amen. God is working all things together for our good. God is patient with us. God is going to complete the good work that He has begun in us. God knows the plans He has for us...plans to give us a hope and a future. God wrote a book about each of our lives...He loved us before we ever knew about Him.
And Romans 5 talks about the very fact that we are unable to ever be good enough to earn the love of God. God knew this. God's plan all along was to redeem us from our own depravity. So He sent Jesus to die in our place. Because of Jesus, we never have to feel unworthy or unable to meet His expectations. He loves us...period. He is working on our behalf...period.
In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years for God's promise of a son. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years before they saw their promised land. Joseph received a promise from God when he was a teenager that did not come to pass until he was 30. David was anointed as king at a young age but he did not get to the throne until he was about 30 either. They walked through testing and trials along the way. There were days when they did not think they would make it...days when they questioned whether they heard correctly from the Lord...days when they probably questioned whether they had missed what God said all together. But God followed through. The promises did come to pass. Those days of waiting didn't mean that God didn't love them, or that He was waiting for them to get it together and make it happen for themselves. God had a plan. He had a plan that would cause their hearts to turn to Him, to be prepared...so that when the perfect time came, He could open the door and they would be ready and able to walk in the promise.
I am 28 years old and I am only now just realizing that God doesn't change His mind. When He says something, He means it. When He makes a promise, He will follow through. When He says He loves me, that will never change. When He says He will never leave me, He won't. When He says He is going to bless my life, He will. I don't have to worry about messing up. He'll take care of it. I don't have to worry about making a wrong move. He's working all things together for my good. He doesn't change His mind about me.
I'll probably keep coming back to read this blog post. I'll probably write more about it too. It is time to change my mind about a few things. It is time to stop being afraid of God's disappointment and punishment...time to start trusting in His great love for me. Maybe then, I'll be at rest a little more. Maybe then, I'll be able to run more freely in this great grace He has given to all of us. Maybe, I'll become someone who follows through and keeps my word. Maybe, I'll find others who want to do the same.
So, what do you think?
With God on our side like this, how can we lose?
If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?
And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
---Romans 8:31-39---The Message
They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
---Romans 8:31-39---The Message
Friday, April 4
Day 5 - Going To Stay
If you're reading this mom, please know that I'd like to be sitting with you and dad tonight eating scrambled eggs and grits. It sounds very comforting. If you're anyone else reading this, please know that I'd also like to be putting together new furniture and painting walls and just hanging out for no reason at all. I'm looking forward to hugging my kids on Monday. I can't wait to get back into the quiet little studio on Edgewood. I want to finish what I started there.
We drove all over Nashville today looking for a new place to live. I love going inside new homes and looking at floorplans and interior designs. The three of us made a good team, picking up where each left off. I know we'll make it here together when the time comes. At the end of the day, we still don't have a place yet, but I'm not too worried.
I feel like I'm in a whole new world. The people are different, the atmosphere is different...I am different. I didn't realize that middle Tennessee would be a culture shock...and it probably wouldn't seem so much if I was just a tourist coming through. It's just the knowing that I'll be here in 8 weeks and this will be home feeling that keeps me from running through the streets as if they'll never see me again.
I think I'd like to buy a good camera when I get here. I want to start taking pictures. I'd also like to start taking more walks, there's a lot to see. I'd like to buy a new hat or two. I don't know if I want to teach. I want to see what happens if I do something different. I want to write more. Maybe I'll start my book soon. I am realizing that even though I have been blessed with many relationships and friends, there's a difference between the ones who stay and the ones who go. For this reason, I wish I could stay. But I know I can't...because if I did, I wouldn't be the same girl...I have no choice but to choose what God has put in my heart to do.
And that's what all of this boils down to. I have to step out of the boat now. I have to walk towards the voice that speaks to the depths of my heart. I have to trust that this voice will lead me to my heart's desire. I am going, to stay on the path that has been set before me.
We drove all over Nashville today looking for a new place to live. I love going inside new homes and looking at floorplans and interior designs. The three of us made a good team, picking up where each left off. I know we'll make it here together when the time comes. At the end of the day, we still don't have a place yet, but I'm not too worried.
I feel like I'm in a whole new world. The people are different, the atmosphere is different...I am different. I didn't realize that middle Tennessee would be a culture shock...and it probably wouldn't seem so much if I was just a tourist coming through. It's just the knowing that I'll be here in 8 weeks and this will be home feeling that keeps me from running through the streets as if they'll never see me again.
I think I'd like to buy a good camera when I get here. I want to start taking pictures. I'd also like to start taking more walks, there's a lot to see. I'd like to buy a new hat or two. I don't know if I want to teach. I want to see what happens if I do something different. I want to write more. Maybe I'll start my book soon. I am realizing that even though I have been blessed with many relationships and friends, there's a difference between the ones who stay and the ones who go. For this reason, I wish I could stay. But I know I can't...because if I did, I wouldn't be the same girl...I have no choice but to choose what God has put in my heart to do.
And that's what all of this boils down to. I have to step out of the boat now. I have to walk towards the voice that speaks to the depths of my heart. I have to trust that this voice will lead me to my heart's desire. I am going, to stay on the path that has been set before me.
Day 4 - What to Do With Freedom
We stood on Trevecca's campus looking at the lighted skyline of the city. "Am I allowed to say that I have come here to be a songwriter?", I asked Kim. Every time she had been asked about her reasons for being here, her response has been that she is following her dreams. But I have been afraid of sounding starry eyed. I have been afraid of sounding presumptious. I have been afraid that someone would look at me as if I didn't have a right to enter this music city.
Can I really come here to be a songwriter? Can I really come here and take the time to develop the art that continues to grow inside of my heart? Can I afford to leave practicality for awhile? Can I afford to let go of the my identity as a teacher? Can I really step out of the boat and pursue something outside of my box? I have longed for a day when I would have the choice to do anything, be anything, pursue anything. And now the day is here, and I don't know what to do with freedom.
"Kim," I said, "we are free." And we are...we don't have time limits or dependents. We have dreams and talents, and just enough faith and curiosity to see where these things will take us. I have had just enough life experience to not be afraid of maps and new places, unknown circumstances and unmet needs. But not enough I suppose to really know how to live when presented with the gift of a fresh new start. So my prayer now is, God show me what to do at the beginning, show me what you have put in my heart to do, give me the faith to pursue what I have not known how to pursue before, and stay close to me, provide for me, keep me from holding on to anything less than freedom.
Can I really come here to be a songwriter? Can I really come here and take the time to develop the art that continues to grow inside of my heart? Can I afford to leave practicality for awhile? Can I afford to let go of the my identity as a teacher? Can I really step out of the boat and pursue something outside of my box? I have longed for a day when I would have the choice to do anything, be anything, pursue anything. And now the day is here, and I don't know what to do with freedom.
"Kim," I said, "we are free." And we are...we don't have time limits or dependents. We have dreams and talents, and just enough faith and curiosity to see where these things will take us. I have had just enough life experience to not be afraid of maps and new places, unknown circumstances and unmet needs. But not enough I suppose to really know how to live when presented with the gift of a fresh new start. So my prayer now is, God show me what to do at the beginning, show me what you have put in my heart to do, give me the faith to pursue what I have not known how to pursue before, and stay close to me, provide for me, keep me from holding on to anything less than freedom.
Thursday, April 3
Day 3 - Where the Heart Is
We woke to sound of housekeeping knocking on our door, mumbling something of a surprise that we had gotten here "early". The truth is that we were on time but had slept in the wrong rooms the night before. It all got straightened out...well, that is, until tonight when we got home and found ourselves locked out of our room...but all is well now...
We spent the first hour of the morning looking for breakfast...by the time we decided where to go it was lunchtime as well, so we opted for something in between.
We descended upon the town of Franklin, about 20 minutes from downtown. The busy storefronts with cafe's, businesses, and vintage shops very much reminded me of the small towns of NY...only with a southern flare and a busier thoroughfare. Franklin is the town many of Nashville's big names call home. I swear I saw Carrie Underwood walking down the street, but Kim, after being at a recent concert, disagrees with my opinion. For the big names it holds, however, the town is quaint and friendly and very peaceful. We found the cafe' we were looking for and settled in on something to eat.
Halfway through our meal, two lawyers joined the end of our six person table. They were so friendly that within about 15 minutes, we had houses to look at, a contact to speak to at the board of education, a business card, and the name of a realtor....not to mention we got to hear a few great stories and had some good laughs. We spent the rest of the day following their leads.
Then tonight, we met up with Ruby who only moved here two months ago. She spoke of her experiences thus far and I'd have to say that the two things I carry from the conversation were these: that Nasvhille is a place of nurturing and also not to be afraid to be who we are even among so many great musicians.
I needed to hear her say these two things. I needed to hear someone tell me, "Who cares how good they are? You do what is in your heart to do...and do it well." I needed to know that this was a place where I would be able to grow and not shrink from what is in my heart to do.
Thus far, I have been pretty unemotional on the trip. In fact, I have felt more serious than excited. I am listening to my friends go through what they are experiencing. I am soaking in these surroundings, slightly familiar and yet so unknown. I am taking in information, trying to sort through plans and leads. I am reading maps and looking at street signs. I am waiting, wondering, and hoping for divine appointments. In the midst of all of this, I am missing my dear friends in Jacksonville already. I can't wait to get back to their comfort and yet I know that soon, I will not have the hope of returning to them. It makes me sad.
I listened to Kim all the way back to the city tonight, after leaving Ruby. I listened to her speak the same concerns and desires I felt in my own heart. I listened and felt only a knowing. A knowing, yet an inability to do a thing to make it all better or clearer at the moment. A knowing, but not an emotion...and I wondered where my heart was at in all of this. Was it here yet? Was it hiding? Where will my place be in the midst of Nashville?
And then I saw the skyline of this blessed city. Nashville, pegged as "the city of broken dreams", but I am calling it the city of dreams fulfilled. My dreams were broken and mended before I ever arrived here and I am sure they will be tested and tried and deepened in the days to come. I only know this...that a dream is coming to pass as I arrive in this place...a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.
We took a wrong turn and ended up on the strip...we rolled down the windows and I could hear the dreams come alive. Doorways were crowded with onlookers paying to hear the bands inside. In every direction a different song was being lifted up and yet it sounded like a heavenly blend of merriment and life. People walking through the lights and darkness, cars pulling in and out of spaces, music everywhere. And I wanted to be in the midst of it all. I wanted to open up my car door and step out to hear the dreams of this place. I wanted to hear the stories of the people who had come, people who were making journeys just like me. That is when my eyes lit up with tears and something inside of me leaped up and said "yes". Tonight, I wanted to be where the people were, sharing my story and hearing theirs. I wanted to hear the songs that called out for others to come in. I wanted to write and sing the songs that will one day do the same.
Tomorrow we will see more. Tomorrow night I will walk down this street of dreams for the first time. God show me the way.
We spent the first hour of the morning looking for breakfast...by the time we decided where to go it was lunchtime as well, so we opted for something in between.
We descended upon the town of Franklin, about 20 minutes from downtown. The busy storefronts with cafe's, businesses, and vintage shops very much reminded me of the small towns of NY...only with a southern flare and a busier thoroughfare. Franklin is the town many of Nashville's big names call home. I swear I saw Carrie Underwood walking down the street, but Kim, after being at a recent concert, disagrees with my opinion. For the big names it holds, however, the town is quaint and friendly and very peaceful. We found the cafe' we were looking for and settled in on something to eat.
Halfway through our meal, two lawyers joined the end of our six person table. They were so friendly that within about 15 minutes, we had houses to look at, a contact to speak to at the board of education, a business card, and the name of a realtor....not to mention we got to hear a few great stories and had some good laughs. We spent the rest of the day following their leads.
Then tonight, we met up with Ruby who only moved here two months ago. She spoke of her experiences thus far and I'd have to say that the two things I carry from the conversation were these: that Nasvhille is a place of nurturing and also not to be afraid to be who we are even among so many great musicians.
I needed to hear her say these two things. I needed to hear someone tell me, "Who cares how good they are? You do what is in your heart to do...and do it well." I needed to know that this was a place where I would be able to grow and not shrink from what is in my heart to do.
Thus far, I have been pretty unemotional on the trip. In fact, I have felt more serious than excited. I am listening to my friends go through what they are experiencing. I am soaking in these surroundings, slightly familiar and yet so unknown. I am taking in information, trying to sort through plans and leads. I am reading maps and looking at street signs. I am waiting, wondering, and hoping for divine appointments. In the midst of all of this, I am missing my dear friends in Jacksonville already. I can't wait to get back to their comfort and yet I know that soon, I will not have the hope of returning to them. It makes me sad.
I listened to Kim all the way back to the city tonight, after leaving Ruby. I listened to her speak the same concerns and desires I felt in my own heart. I listened and felt only a knowing. A knowing, yet an inability to do a thing to make it all better or clearer at the moment. A knowing, but not an emotion...and I wondered where my heart was at in all of this. Was it here yet? Was it hiding? Where will my place be in the midst of Nashville?
And then I saw the skyline of this blessed city. Nashville, pegged as "the city of broken dreams", but I am calling it the city of dreams fulfilled. My dreams were broken and mended before I ever arrived here and I am sure they will be tested and tried and deepened in the days to come. I only know this...that a dream is coming to pass as I arrive in this place...a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.
We took a wrong turn and ended up on the strip...we rolled down the windows and I could hear the dreams come alive. Doorways were crowded with onlookers paying to hear the bands inside. In every direction a different song was being lifted up and yet it sounded like a heavenly blend of merriment and life. People walking through the lights and darkness, cars pulling in and out of spaces, music everywhere. And I wanted to be in the midst of it all. I wanted to open up my car door and step out to hear the dreams of this place. I wanted to hear the stories of the people who had come, people who were making journeys just like me. That is when my eyes lit up with tears and something inside of me leaped up and said "yes". Tonight, I wanted to be where the people were, sharing my story and hearing theirs. I wanted to hear the songs that called out for others to come in. I wanted to write and sing the songs that will one day do the same.
Tomorrow we will see more. Tomorrow night I will walk down this street of dreams for the first time. God show me the way.
Wednesday, April 2
Day 2 - The Open Road
We were actually ready by 9am, our projected time of departure. Kim made us french toast for breakfast, we packed up the car, and prayed over our day before heading out. Kansas City's skies were overcast and gray and the air was cold. But the further south we headed the more we were surrounded by green, rolling hills, random trees overflowing with white blossoms, and surprising spreads of purple blossoms on trees and fields. We spent the day listening to Colbie Caliet, Celine Dion, Monster Hits, Worship albums, Snow Patrol and everything else in between. We talked about the usual...getting over boys, the amazing events that had led up to this road trip, our families and friends. We did lose track of a credit card for awhile. We did have to turn around once. There was a major detour through St. Louis. But all in all, it was a beautiful day.
Fast forward to the last leg of the trip. We finally made it to Tennessee....and better yet...all the way into Nashville. I mean, I have been to Nashville...but this time, I have to remind myself...oh yeah, this is your future home. I have felt the hand of providence all day...from the details of the dream Kim had about this very trip six months before we ever even thought about coming, to the 333 on our final destination address (a number which bears a lot of significance in my family), to the billboard signs all along the way, to the signs of spring after a long drive through winter...I just know the Lord's hand has been leading us here...leading me here.
The road we came in on was I-24...it's motto is..."A symbol of freedom". And that is exactly how I have been feeling for the past couple of days. I feel like we are so blessed to be walking in this freedom. We are going to be able to live in the city we have only dreamed and talked about. We are going to be able to find ourselves and find the Lord in the place where He has beckoned our hearts to come. I am going to have the time to write again. We are free to be in this place...free to start fresh and new. What a gift...this freedom.
Fast forward to the last leg of the trip. We finally made it to Tennessee....and better yet...all the way into Nashville. I mean, I have been to Nashville...but this time, I have to remind myself...oh yeah, this is your future home. I have felt the hand of providence all day...from the details of the dream Kim had about this very trip six months before we ever even thought about coming, to the 333 on our final destination address (a number which bears a lot of significance in my family), to the billboard signs all along the way, to the signs of spring after a long drive through winter...I just know the Lord's hand has been leading us here...leading me here.
The road we came in on was I-24...it's motto is..."A symbol of freedom". And that is exactly how I have been feeling for the past couple of days. I feel like we are so blessed to be walking in this freedom. We are going to be able to live in the city we have only dreamed and talked about. We are going to be able to find ourselves and find the Lord in the place where He has beckoned our hearts to come. I am going to have the time to write again. We are free to be in this place...free to start fresh and new. What a gift...this freedom.
Monday, March 31
Day One
Two seconds into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I could see myself driving away in my overpacked car, windows down, narrator speaking in the background of what lay behind and what lay ahead...kind of like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could finally see it. The thing I had longed for, and lost track of, and gained back, and wished would take it's time. I could see the point of letting go, once again facing the open road, and starting a new chapter. The song continued to play and I realized that I was in the middle of close friends, celebrating a wedding. I tucked the picture into the back of my mind and tuned in to the vows being shared.
I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.
This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.
This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.
The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.
I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.
This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.
This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.
The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.
Thursday, March 27
Sunday, March 16
Questions and Answers
So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.
But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.
We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?
If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.
I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.
Saturday, March 15
It Won't Be Long...
Won't be long and I will wake up to the sounds of a new city.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.
Monday, March 3
Reflection
Classic Reflections on Easter
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.
— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233
I Sure Would Like to Know...
I spent the weekend mostly in the comfort of my apartment...sleeping in, taking naps...playing my guitar...emailing...washing sheets and towels...yeah, that's about it. There are times to be running all over the city, chasing friends, chasing excitement...and there are times to be still and quiet. This weekend was definitely meant for stillness and quietness.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.
I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.
But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.
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