Tuesday, May 6

Somewhere Out There

He's always been out there (as Fievel so eloquently puts it). Untangible and yet so real. At the end of a breakup...in the midst of a disappointments, and politics and world events...in the words of a friend...in the faces of strangers at airports and foreign countries...in dreams for the future...right in the depths of my heart as I walk through life.

And I just want to see his face. I just want to know that he really is real. I just want to know that in his eyes I am worthy of all the love in the world.

I have heard so many promises about him. I have heard plenty of advice. There have been quite a few times when I have put my dream of him behind another man's face...only to find it an illusion and utter disappointment.

Please don't write to me and tell me the grass is greener on the other side. Please don't tell me that it's just not the right time yet. Please don't tell me that God has the perfect man in mind for me. Please forget about the fact tonight that a man will not fulfill all my needs. I KNOW.

I just want him to come. I just him to wrap me up in a hug and tell me he's waited all his life to look into my eyes. And that's it.

Because I am tired of hoping and not seeing that hope fulfilled. I am tired of not being good enough, or worthy enough...or just the right size and shape. I am tired of being overlooked and never knowing the reason. I am quite done with all of it.

There are moments when I just want to be loved without anything asked in return. There comes a time when it seems so out of place to put up boundaries and walls and pretend that it's fun to be independent. There comes a time when you just want someone to notice, to listen, to go out of their way....to break through the walls and the windows and the doors and just simply say, "I love you."

I walked through St. Pete last weekend reading words chalked on the sidewalk, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those are the words that run through my mind now. I don't know how to love someone I can't see. I don't know how to love those I do see when they don't see me. I don't know a lot of things. This is the most honest post I have written in awhile. I know it's honest when there are tears between the words.

I know I am loved and that I am important to a lot of people. I feel the same way about many others. I know I am not alone. There just comes a time when you want to walk with someone tangibly....reach out and know someone is reaching back.

I have only held pieces of great love. I have heard about it and seen it in others. But the dream of it is so alive in my heart. And wherever he is...I hope he has eyes to see...I am tired of jumping up and down, running back and forth. Like I said yesterday, I am ready to let go...whether that means singleness the rest of my life or not. I have held out in this game of tag, only to find that it one-sided, with no one to come and unfreeze me from this position.

For the past two days my heart has burned at the words of a friend. And I cannot say a word in my defense. I wish I could...I wish I could just let it all out. But I realize that to ask someone to love you, to run after you could not be taken in the end as great and true love. If they do not love you in the first place, how can you plead with them to change their mind? If I did this very thing, I would wonder all my life if there was not something greater to be had all along. I have chosen silence over solace...in hopes that what I wait for really and truly will come to pass...it's the waiting that feeds the hope...because without waiting, how could one hope?...and without hope, how could one wait?

1 comment:

pip said...

there is something so pure, so elegant and so incredibly rare when one finds an honest heart. a heart that isnt necessarily looking for the quick fix... but is simply being real. its beautiful. and its full of grace.

grace. its in your eyes. and the cries of your heart. its in your posts. and the dreams you carry.

and its in you april. you're worth fighting for. you're the treasure. the prize. the treasure one sold all he had to obtain.... you are wonderful april. you are. and your dreams will be answered. i know they will.