The Love Chapter

There is much to say tonight...so much.
On the way home, in the midst of traffic and my intense effort not to break down, a knowing came to my heart; an understanding, if you will. I have continued to reflect on 1 Corinthians 13 (The love chapter), continued to run these verses through my head,

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

And as I thought about the patience part and the not giving up, I thought about my intense to desire to not give up...to keep hoping...to keep loving...to keep becoming someone better than I had started out to be. And then I thought about the fact that I am this little person on a big planet with a lot of misgivings and failures and how if I feel this intense about hoping for someone who has walked away, how much more intense does this perfect, loving, God, who is all of the things in the verses above, feel when a person walks away from Him?

How does He feel when a person says to Him, "I'm not good enough for you...I never will be...so I'm going to quit trying now. I bet you can find someone better, someone more suitable to have a relationship with." How His heart must break at the sound of these words. The whole point of sending Jesus was God saying, "You don't have to be good enough, I don't want your goodness. I don't want your valiant yet failed efforts at trying to follow impossible rules and expectations, I just want you. I want to live with you, and laugh with you. I want to dance with you and dream with you. I want to fight it out and see the other side. I want your heart to be free and full of life. I want you, and no matter what it takes, or how long I have to wait...I will never stop waiting and hoping for you to come home." And then He lets us walk out the door, knowing full well that we may never return, knowing full well He may not hear from us for days, months, years. Knowing full well that other things could entice our hearts and keep us from missing Him. And to Him that's ok. Because He is love and love never fails, never gives up, keeps on waiting.

Luke 15

"But while he was still a long way off,
his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.
Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate.
²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'
So they began to celebrate.

So many thoughts tonight. I feel a bit closer to understanding how God feels for those who are running from Him. What do I do with that knowledge? Not too sure. Love Him back...live my life without fear...love well and extravagantly and with a hope that doesn't give up? I am learning as I go.

December 1

Right now I am thankful for warm blankets and Christmas lights that my roommate insisted should be put up early this year. I am thankful for a job that gave me the space to turn off the lights for an hour in the middle of my day today just to read and regroup. I promise I will try harder to be all there tomorrow. I am thankful that my family is only a phone call away. Their words have spoken truth to me in the midst of much despair. I am thankful for mom and dad who bought me new tires when I have no idea how in the world I would have done such a task. I didn't worry so much about rain this morning. I am thankful for friends who keep calling and asking and loving just when I need it most. I am thankful for butternut squash soup (which sounded really awful at first but ended up tasting pretty good) and grilled cheese sandwiches on rye. I am thankful for a God who doesn't forget His promises, even when everyone else does. I get to wake up in the morning. I get to try again...and keep trying until I get there...wherever there is.

He is working all things together for my good. I have to keep repeating that to myself tonight. I have to keep reminding myself of the words I heard in my heart at the moment when other words were the most painful..."I am making all things new." I have to keep saying to myself..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding." Yep, that about covers it. It's the soundtrack in my head, along with Sara Groves', "love wash over a multitude of things..love wash over a multitude of things...make us whole".

November I must say, I am glad to see you go. December is a new place to start.

C.S. Lewis

If you know me well, you know that one of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis. Here is my new favorite quote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." C.S.Lewis

The Day After 3

It's over. It's over? I keep having to tell myself the news. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I was hoping for. And yet here I stand with the news in my ears. Half of me doesn't even believe it to be real. Half of me expects the curtain to rise and life to continue on as it had before.

He said, "God is going to work all things together for good." It is the same verse my mom spoke to me this morning. How does this work for the good? It hurts too much to make any sense right now.

I see it, how it all fell apart. But I saw a way through. I wanted it to work so badly. I didn't want to be left behind. No. Not now. Not when I my heart trusted in something I thought would last. I thought it would last. No matter what.

The End

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Confidence

I ran across these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman tonight...so good.

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

Change

Today, I put my hands in God's hands. I look into His loving face and wait for Him to hold me close. I wait for His answers, for His guidance, for His reassurance. I wait. And as long as He is holding me close, I don't think it matters how long I stand there. As long as I stay in His embrace I will rest in the fact that an answer is ready and waiting for me.

We have our battles do we not? And our battles seem great comparison to our small understandings.

I am getting older, I am not a child or a 20 something anymore. I need to trust God. I am growing set in my ways. I am becoming less accustomed to enjoying change at every moment. I need to trust God. There is so much that I want, that I dream of. I need to trust God. There are so many questions in my heart. I need to trust God.

And I need to be quiet. Isaiah says, "In quietness and trust is your salvation...".

My life is about to change. I need to trust God.

Awakening

My guitar is making it's way to the heart of Nashville tonight. She will come out of her case surrounded by the sounds of bluegrass instruments, in a place where legends have passed through, in a place where music is spoken between old and young, professional musicians and plain old music lovers alike. And why am I not with her? Why is she playing on her own?

I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.

I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.

Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.

I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.

Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.

And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.

http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus

A Lot to Say

Why is it that a million thoughts go through my head, each with intention, each with it's own emotion, each with it's own ability to create the urge in me to write it down...and then, when I get to the place of writing it down, I can't remember anything I was about to say?

Humph.

This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.

Nothing to Worry About

I am blessed. I wake up every morning in an air conditioned room. I do not have to worry about how I will get to work or if I will have enough gas money. I do not even have to worry about job security. On any given day at any given time I can choose exactly what I want to eat and where I want to eat it. If I want to watch a movie, I watch it. If I need a new piece of clothing or item for my house, I buy it. I never have to worry about running out.

I'm an elementary school teacher. I don't have the highest pay in the world; but compared to the rest of the world...I'm doing pretty well. I have every one of my teeth and even though they are not pearly white like the commercials...I can still flash an attractive smile without being embarrassed. I have the privilege of taking showers every day. I have a place to call home. I went to college...and although I have a considerable amount of loans to pay back...I am able to pay them back.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately; thinking about how I get grumpy when I am hungry or tired or upset that things have not gone the way I wanted them to.

On recent Monday nights Adam and I have had the privilege of meeting with about 100 people who are surviving on the streets. They are young and old, men and women, and every one with a different story to tell. Tonight I met Curtis. I thought he was going to try to hustle me. He didn't. He asked if I knew of a place where he could go to get him some assistance for getting to New Orleans. He has heard there is work there, lots of work. He can't find work here, can't catch a break. He has been robbed; not only of money but his i.d. He says there is no way to hustle on these streets because the cops are so strict. Curtis needs a bus ticket to New Orleans. I sympathized with him, feeling helpless as to being able to give any real direction or advice. He said that was okay and talked about how God takes care of him no matter what. He told a story about how he went to the farmer's market last weekend and asked if anyone could give him work. He told them he was so hungry and just needed some money for food. They loaded him down with corn and melon and all kinds of produce. He said he just sat there eating and someone came by, handed him $5 and said, "God bless you." "God always takes care of me", he said. Curtis was not grumpy. He was thankful. He had a vision. I know God is taking care of him.

When we got back to Adam's place tonight, we talked about not taking what God has given us for granted....not wasting any resources...and also not despising them. It is so easy to forget how good God has been, to forget that all that we have is truly from Him. We do not gain wealth on our own. We do not live comfortably and peacefully because of anything we have done. Everything we have is because He has provided. God forgive me for the times when I have acted so entitled to the provision that you have so graciously placed in and around my life.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Some good info...

Heaven is a must read for anyone who ever wondered about what life will be like after we have died. Randy Alcorn has done a lot of research about what the Bible says about Heaven. He presents what he has found in the book in a way that has really caused me to look forward to being there. If you are looking for answers, this is a great start.

"By the time you finish reading this book, you will have a biblical basis for envisioning the eternal Heaven...you don't need to look up at the clouds; you simply need to look around you and imagine what all this would be like without sin and death and suffering and corruption." -Alcorn

Home Sweet Home

Yay! I'm home. :) For two whole weeks. If the rain stops I will spend plenty of time at the beach. I can already feel myself breathing a huge sigh of relief...no homework...just family, friends, and time to relax....not to mention a new puppy to play with!

Faithful

I wish I was better at trusting that all will be well.
I wish I was better at waiting it through.
I want to be more faithful...not just on the outside but on the inside too.

Thankful

I feel the incessant need to cover my mouth lately and not let too many words come out.  Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.  I have been afraid, worried, untrusting, indignant...and my words have proved this true.

Thankfulness was the word that came to mind tonight.  I must be thankful.  I need to look for the littlest things and just be thankful.  Thankful despite disappointment.  Thankful when I still feel great need.  Thankful when I would rather crawl under the covers and hide away.  Thankful when it does not go my way.

I am thankful

for the green of spring along with the rain

the breeze through my classroom when the a/c is down

for the way he loves me and keeps loving me

for the smiles of my students, their hugs, their willingness to try new things

for the money to pay for food and gas

for a car that takes me there and back

for a family that keeps moving forward

for the opportunity every day to start again.

ORU Bound

Approximately 5 hours until my ride arrives.

Still need to pack.

Lots of cleaning to do.

I'm headed to Tulsa to see Lys graduate.  Doesn't seem like very long ago that I was there...graduating...looking forward to life beyond the college years.

Spring is Here

This has been a most peaceful weekend...full of outdoor activities like picnics and festivals, full of people and community, full of quality time with friends. The weather has been more like summer than spring. My windows are open and our ceiling fans are circulating the fresh air through the apartment. I got my first sunburn of the season and hopefully the last. Somehow the trees have turned green right before our eyes. It's time again. I feel more alive, more ready to face the world outside.

Tornado Season

Spring is here!  Hail, all programming cancelled to report the weather, tornado sirens, dark clouds, wind.  Yikes!  Honestly, if the bees weren't out there ruling my balcony I'd be out there watching the storm roll through. :)  Oh, there go the sirens again....

Salt and Pepper!

So I was having coffee with a very good friend of mine this morning when all of a sudden she said, "I just have to tell you, I love the salt and pepper in your hair."  Oh man, that's when you know the gray has been left in for too long.    I wasn't offended at all.  In fact, this morning while getting ready I thought, "Well, maybe it's not so bad after all."  Upon hearing my friend's compliment though I realized that the highlights of white and grey were way more obvious than I had thought.  At that point I longed to darken my tressles...not leaving an trace of the aging process.  After all, I haven't even hit 30 yet!  If only I wasn't trying to cut down on spending.  If only it didn't cost at least $60 every six weeks to take care of this problem.  Any suggestions?  Ha. :)

One Year Ago

Tonight I went back to see the archives from one year ago...it's amazing to find what has happened in one year.  One year ago tonight I had one of the most incredible dreams ever.  One year ago today I was dreaming of the days I am living in now.  Thought you might like to go back and read...

March 2008

Returning the Gift

I know, I know....it's been awhile.  I'm working on a whole new site....we'll see when it gets finished...lol.  For the past two or three months I have tried to sit down and write....tried to get something out on paper...and it has been difficult.  Sometimes the workings are so deep it takes time for the words to rise to the surface.  I think I need to start writing more.  I think it is the thing that makes me come alive inside.  I told my class at the beginning of the year..."Class, I LOVE writing and I can't wait to teach you how to become a writer."  It is now their favorite subject.  They will write pages and pages while other teachers are complaining about not being able to get their students to sit down and write for 15 minutes.  But just as my personal writing has been neglected, I am sad to say it has been put on the backburner with us for awhile as well.  I know there's more.  For me and for them.  So, all that to say...I'm going to try to come back online...and use the gift God has given me.