You Came So Close

I am so enjoying the new Andrew Peterson album today.

You could no more kill the darkness
Than you could raise the sun
And the sky was cold and black
Like the barrel of a gun

And I remember the tremble
In the words you spoke
As you balanced there on the brink
At the end of your rope

You came so close to letting go

And you knew she would hate you
She would kick you out
You'd been lying in the bed that you made
When you broke your vow

Then you woke in the wasteland
Of the truth you told
And you turned to see she stayed,
She was bright as a band of gold

You came so close to letting go

So don't let go, 'cause you never know
Don't let go, you never know for sure

And the sky in Nashville
It can bend you low
'Cause the winter here is gray
Without a trace of snow

But there is no shadow
On the silver stars
And the colder the night is,
The closer the heavens are

And so we're so close
So don't let go
'Cause this I know
Don't let go
This I know for sure:
There's still hope

Monday's Song

He sat at my reading table, head in his hands. We were finished with the lesson, all the other kids had gone on to their next activity. I began to ask him questions. He just shook his head after each one. This kid was probably one of the toughest in the class; I usually saw him smiling and joking around about something. I had never known him to sit so still and not say a word. He began to cry and then the crying turned to sobbing. I grabbed some tissues and sat with him...listening only to his tears. My next reading group would have to wait.

After several minutes he managed to tell me that he missed his dad...who had left to live in Arizona. I wanted to cry with him. I knew exactly how he felt. He had no control over his circumstances. He couldn't change anyone's mind. He just loved his dad and he wanted to be with him. After he had quieted we talked about the fact that his dad probably missed him that much too. We talked about how God can help us when we're sad. And that was it. He got up, and by the time he left the classroom that day, he was smiling again.

I'll never forget that moment. It happened in the midst of my own pain that day when I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through.

We have been given so much. Homes, food, clothes, transportation, families and friends, the power and luxury of technology, the ability to work, the ability to enjoy life. The list goes on. And most importantly, for a lot of people who read this blog, we have been given peace with Jesus. And if we have been given so much, so many resources, and the very essence of life, I would have to say that much would be expected of us in return.

Hopefully, as we grow into adults, our quest does not turn in search for more happiness for ourselves; hopefully, at some point in our lives, our quest will turn in search of how we can tend to our resources well, cause them to grow, and then to use those resources to help those in need.

Resources are a gift from God, we should neither despise or reject them. Who knows what good can come from placing resources in the right hands? Who knows how they could be used to show God's love and provision to a world in desperate need of even the most basic of needs...like clean water? As followers of Christ, there is no room for selfishness, and considerably less room for false humility. We must learn how to take care of what we ourselves have been given, to give without a second thought to our own vitality when a need arises, and then how to receive again when the opportunity arises for God to give us what is in His heart for us to have. Whether it is something tangible like money...or whether it is forgiveness and the ability to mend what has been broken.

I woke up this morning. And those words began to run through my head again...the ones about how I wasn't good enough, how I hadn't done enough, how I had been misunderstood, how I longed for everything to be made right. And then I heard this song by Thad Cockrell and I was reminded...that even if I couldn't change my own circumstances...I could reach out to others in the midst of theirs. I may not have what I want right now, but I have everything I need in Jesus. I live a blessed life...a full life. There are so many right now, at this moment, who don't have any kind of hope. One day, everything will be made right. And even if I don't see it with my eyes right now...I'll keep spreading that message...with my Love.

Redefining Never

On my way to eat sushi a couple of nights ago, I remembered the very first time I came across this delicious genre of food. I was walking with friends through Queens on a hot summer night. We passed by a restaurant with a store front window...and there it was...sushi. I imagined how awful it must taste, how terrible its consistency would be, and right then and there I swore I would never try sushi. Fast forward four years to a friends' kitchen in Tulsa, Oklahoma. They were big fans of creating dinners from the Food Network. They were also big fans of sushi. I came to a moment where I had no choice but to give it a try, and from that day forward, sushi became one of my favorite meals.

This memory got me to thinking about all the "nevers" I have swore to.
*I would never move to Rochester.
*I would never wear capris.
*I would never ride in the front seat of a roller coaster.
*I would never ride a sky coaster and free fall through the sky.
*I would never want to be her friend.
*I would never live in Florida.
*I would never hurt anyone with my words.
*I would never leave him.
*I would never be confident enough to sing my own songs on a stage.
*I would never do THAT again.
*I would never give up.

But I have done all of these things. And so many other things (good and bad) I thought I would never do.

I began to think about the idea of "never". Using that word was often like using a mask to cover up fears; fears of the unknown, fears of being found out, fears of finding out that there was something better than what I was holding onto, fears of change. Sometimes, it was a denial of what was really going on, a denial of my need for healing and trust. Sometimes, "never" was a hope that things would change.

There are absolute truths that should be held onto in this world. There is beauty in standing up for what is right. There is peace that comes from constancy and loyalty. I am thankful for those nevers.

But then there are those nevers that awkwardly stand out and call attention to themselves. These are the ones that call us to change. They might also be the most painful to admit to. But without change, life becomes a stagnant pool of water. Without change growth does not occur. We cannot be refreshed, and we certainly cannot refresh others.

I sat with a dear friend this week. She told a story that spanned several years and very much reflected my own; so much so that I teared up several times throughout its telling. And because of her story, I felt that my own story was much more understood. I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel so lost. She had faced so many "nevers" in several different ways, but because she had allowed herself to be changed by God's love, her "nevers" dissolved into a beautiful love story.

I wonder what would happen if we surrendered our "nevers" to the love of God. I wonder what would happen if we let love define our choices; instead of our preconceived notions, our prior experiences, the opinions of others, and the untested doctrines we have chosen. What would happen if we accepted the fact that change is really okay?

We don't have to be the same person we were yesterday. We don't have to be defined by our past. And if our excuse for falling short becomes, "Well, that's just who I am", then we have forgotten love...for ourselves, for others, maybe even for God. We have chosen the word never and denied any hope for what could be.

If my life had stopped at never...I can't imagine how it would look...
*I wouldn't have known the joy of the people who live in Rochester. I wouldn't have a home here. I wouldn't have such a rich history of God's love and work in this city.
*I wouldn't be going on my 8th annual trip to California to visit a friend who intimidated me before I really knew how amazing she was.
*I wouldn't have made so many amazing friends, touched so many little lives, been so refreshed and healed, been so inspired to keep writing music, traveled to so many different places, or have been close to my family...because of living in Florida.
*I wouldn't have had the chance to move to Nashville.
*I wouldn't have been so heartbroken over my own faults and then so aware of the hurt in others...if it wasn't for walking through relationships...and learning how to love well.

This list could go on and on.

Life without change, is not life at all.

God meant for us to be changed. He meant for our lives to grow brighter and brighter. The Bible says that His mercies are new every morning. So many times God says that He is doing a NEW thing. In Revelation 21:5 says that He is making "all things new". Maybe the first step towards walking in His newness...is to look at our own "nevers" and ask Him which ones need to be changed.

I posted a picture of water running through my hands. That stream was so refreshing to us girls that day. It brought so much enjoyment and laughter during our time there. It was beautiful! As I was holding the water I was thinking of the things in my life and how there was very little that I could hold onto. But that was the beauty of the stream. And that is the beauty of life. Things will never be the same. The rocks, the water, the banks, the sediment are constantly in a state of change. But the flow of the water is constant, as is the constancy of God's love for us and the promises that He has made. His rivers of living water will continue to flow...as long as we allow them to...and along with them will come the cleansing, the refreshing, the changing, and the healing He wants to bring.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We're free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.
2 Corinthians 3:16-18

Thoughts of Home

There is a quietness. I've heard it on the road, in the car, no music playing. As I sit among tall blades of grass and the cool winds blow over me and through the trees. In the way that love has overcome and made a home in the hearts of my very dear friends.

As strongly as tears of grief have made their way into my days...so has a peace...as if it's the only way to move forward. To become quiet. To trust. That all will be well. Just as it was meant to be.

I'm remembering who I am. And I am wondering why I have fought so hard, traveled so far, looked for so long...if home was always this lovely and welcoming and good. Why did I feel the need to leave? And why do I long to return? Can I ever return?

Home has invited me to sit by the fire and tell my story. It has kissed my cheeks and held me close. It has wiped my tears and held my hands. Home has given me a place to rest my head. It has walked down familiar streets and whispered cherished memories I had forgotten. It has told me stories of when I was young. It has reminded me of what I love and of who I love. Home has given me hope for the future. It has breathed life on the dreams that I hold in my heart.

I have tried to breathe in every bit of nature I can this week. I grew up loving the land and the water...I still do. It was so good to have friends to share the beauty of the outdoors with this past week.

I have tried to soak in every moment with friends. Good friends. Friends that span a history of time and distance. They make me laugh out loud. They bring beauty to the world. They dream. They listen and encourage. Their stories are full of ups and downs, tragedy and hope, conflict and peace, adventure and every day simple living. I love them with all my heart. I love God for giving them to me.

There is so much more to say. Healing takes time. But for those of us who are alive...it is inevitable. We must heal so that we can continue to live. For the past three months, over and over again I've heard people say to me, "Get busy living, or get busy dying." Living...that what I choose...I want to live, and I want to live well. None of this in between stuff...teetering between what if's and somedays. It is time to heal. To begin again. To become alive. "No regrets." That's another one. I hear it everywhere. It's time to love better. To embrace what and who we have been given. To find the place we are called to. To know the God who has called us.

We don't have to know everything. We don't have to have every detail of the future in place. But if we know God is good...then we will know our future is secure. We'd be able to slow down...to enjoy Him...to enjoy each other...to stop being afraid and let the healing begin.

his chest is full of memories
of gold and silver tears
i’ll give you more to own than all of this
and i’ll give you more than years
for you were once a child of innocence
and i see you just the same
your burdens couldnt win or lose a thing
oh i’d tell you once again
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now, oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now, oh
you can trust in love again

if you leave, i’ll still be close to you
when all your fears rain down
i’ll take you back a thousand times again
and i’ll take you as my own
i will sing you songs of innocence
till the light of morning comes
till the rays of golden honey cover you
in the sweetness of the dawn
but you’re always on the run

slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your heart now oh
you can trust in love again
slow your breath down
just take it slow
find your smile now oh
you can trust in love again

you’re not alone
you’re now a part of me
you feel the cure
i feel the toil it brought you

How Free Are We Really?

Jesus was a promiser of freedom.

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31-32)

So, what does this really mean? If you become a Christian are you truly free? If you believe in God is your life full of freedom? What does freedom look like, feel like, sound like?

"Well, I am free to be who I am"..some would say. "I am free to go where I want to go, buy what I want to buy, love who I want to love"...and the list would go on. But is that freedom? Does a person who has the world at their fingertips have freedom? Take Bill Gates for example...He is free to have anything he wants at any time because the power of financial freedom lies in his hands. Does that mean he is free? Dave Ramsey promises freedom to those who become debt free. Oprah and other daytime hosts tell their viewers that freedom is within reach if only they would walk through rehab and counseling and choose strength over their weaknesses.

Not that counseling or rehab or anything like that is wrong...it's actually really good. But my question is this...how many people have gone through a program...and followed some rules...and have willed themselves into submission...only to find themselves bound up again and worse off than when they began? How many are crying out in despair as their eyes open to a new morning?

Not one of us can say that our life is perfect. Not one of us can say that we have not been affected by sin or have been a partaker in it. Sin keeps us from freedom.

Do you see it? Anger. Judgment. Hatred. Lust for more. Lust for what does not belong to you. Jealousy. Pride. Destroying others with our words. Selfishness. Greed. Unforgiveness. Unfaithfulness. Misuse of people. Dishonesty. The list goes on...

Everything that is the opposite of these:
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

The church leaders Jesus talked to didn't see their sin. They told Jesus there was no reason for Him to set them free. They were angry that anyone would tell them they were in sin.

How many of us think that we are okay? How many of us would be indignant if someone told us that we needed to be set free? How many of us blame others for taking our freedoms away?

We are all for saying, "God is love". Why shouldn't God accept us as we are? Why shouldn't He love us despite our brokenness? And He does.

But He wants to go a step further. He wants us to be free (at peace, full of joy, loving others, content).

Has fear gripped you in the middle of the night, in the middle of a storm, in the middle of a relationship that was falling apart?
Have you been drawn to a substance or activity for comfort, only to find that now it will not let you go?
Has your anger pushed everything you love away?
Are you too ashamed to tell the truth?
Are you too proud to repair what has been broken?
Are you so afraid that if you let go everyone and everything else will fall apart?
Have you denied your need for God, by taking things into your own hands?
Then you are not free.

Many of our mainstream churches have a way of lulling its members into a comfort zone. And the more I see, the more I am convinced that things are not as they should be. There are good churches out there, please don't get me wrong. People with good hearts, loving their communities. But the people come in broken. And they leave broken. Questions unanswered. Lives still falling apart. Hoping that God will someday come through. Watching their loved ones walk away. Watching their children spiral downward. Weighed down by depression, addiction, anger. Afraid that at any moment life will spin out of control and they will lose everything that is precious...not realizing that their grip of control is squeezing the life out of everything precious. There has to be more...Jesus came to bring life...not survival tips.

In the early church days, before people even entered church life there was a beautiful process that took place. They came to acknowledge Christ as the one they would choose to follow. Then, they prayed prayers to be freed from every sin and stronghold from their past (these were prayers of deliverance if you will). After their acknowledgment and freedom through prayer they would enter the water for baptism. As they entered the waters they believed that they were being washed of every sin and evil spirit that they had been tied to before and when they came up they were filled with the new Holy Spirit of God. I heard this the other day...it opened my eyes to the beauty of baptism in a way I hadn't seen before. I wonder how many Christians even know that there is a true freedom for them in Christ.

God's will was to heal people. God's will was to set people free. That's what Jesus did...he healed and he delivered. He was doing His father's will..that's what he said.

And yet people continually say that healing and deliverance and the gifts of the Holy Spirit were only for the apostles in the early church. Ugh.

That's what my grandfather believed as a young Christian, as a seminary student, as a Baptist preacher with a good sized church. Until he was bedridden for a year and couldn't even write his own name because of all the tranquilizers he was on. My grandmother was watching a television preacher one day who talked about healing...and wondered if that could be helpful to my grandpa who was so mentally and physically ill. My grandfather told her she shouldn't be watching that kind of thing...it was heresy! Not too long after that...he heard this preacher was in town. He went forward and asked for prayer at the service. He was anointed with oil. And he was healed.

The story gets better. Grandpa was a Baptist and Baptists did not believe in healing. But he was healed. So, he decided that if he was wrong about healing he might also be wrong about the Holy Spirit. He began to study the scriptures once again. And as he studied he felt God speak to his heart and tell him that the root of the sickness he had had was still in him. Through some connections and conversations in the months after that, he met with a couple who believed that God still delivers people of demonic spirits. Of course, Grandpa said, "I'm a Baptist preacher! How could I have anything like that in me?" But he did. And when that couple prayed for him, several spirits of darkness left his body.

I know this sounds weird. I know it sounds off the wall. It's so weird and off the wall that Grandpa lost his whole congregation and was put on trial by them! But from that day forward, my grandfather was a new man. He filled his prescription bottles with anointing oil and began to pray for the sick. Several of his family members were healed from cancer. Grandma says that thousands of people in the area were healed, delivered, and brought into relationship with God over the span of his lifetime.

I have another friend who did not grow up believing in healing and deliverance either. She was from a very strong denomination as well. When she had finished seminary and started working in a local church, however, things began to change. She saw so many broken people. They would pray and pray and pray. But addictions would not go away, divorces were still occurring, and at one point because someone was so tired of waiting for healing to come they committed suicide. This was the turning point for the staff at this church. They decided that there must be more. They began to study what healing and deliverance ministry was all about. And once they knew...there was no looking back. People began to be set free.

My grandmother recently told me that for 40 years she never once heard my grandfather tell her that he loved her. I couldn't believe it. But it was true she said. She told me that it had had a lot to do with pain he had carried from his relationship with his mom when he was young. So for 40 years Grandma knew Grandpa loved her but she never heard it. Until one day when Grandpa went to a Bible study where they were praying for inner healing. That day the group prayed for him to be healed from the hurts of his childhood. And from that day forward he couldn't stop telling Gram how much he loved her. Gram says it was the most beautiful, joyful thing...he would just go on and on about his love for her. He had just needed healing.

If there is anything that these past few years has taught me it is this...that there is a broken world in need of Jesus...and that I want to be a part of what Jesus is doing. I wish I had words right now to explain my own brokenness and my frustration at my inability to change anything. I know I am not the only one who has lost something, or failed. I am so dependent on God.

I haven't forgotten that Jesus heals and delivers. I just haven't set my face towards Him. I've been so busy defending that I haven't taken the time to walk in it. And that's ok...it was part of the process of getting me here I think.

I'm still praying for freedom. For me. For the ones I hold so closely to my heart.

It's fear that keeps us from trusting the One who would free us. That's all it is....fear. If only we would come. If only we would set our face upon Him and run towards Him and fall at His feet. If only we would whisper..."Jesus come". He would heal everything...He would set things right.

What is it that seems to be taking your joy and your peace today? What is it that holds you back from loving well? What is trying your patience? What battle is raging and pulling you out of control? Perhaps this is where your healing must begin. Perhaps this is the place where God's spirit must enter.

Two Simple Words

It happens to us all I think. We start with great aspirations for making life better. It could be going after our dream job. It could be taking the step of marriage and starting a family. It could be taking a class on photography. It could be organizing the garage. Or starting to go to church again. Or volunteering somewhere in the community. Or changing your hair color. It could be going to that country you have always dreamed of seeing. But the follow through...well, it is either non-existent or it is a long time coming.

Not that patience doesn't have its work mind you. Sometimes waiting is good. But often, we continue to say...

"One of these days..."

"When [__], then I will [___]"

Those beautiful dreams and very exciting, even attainable goals become a part of our every day conversation. It's what we tell people when we are networking and making connections. It's what we write down in online profiles. It's what we tell ourselves as we sit at the computer screen and dream of what could be. Eventually, we become defined by what we want to do, and not by what we are actually doing in the moment.

Not everyone is like this mind you. There are those who are following their dreams. Those who are actually making good on their words. They know what they want and they are taking steps to get there. My guess is, that you and I have met a few of these types of people. They are most likely the happiest, most peaceful people you will ever meet. Is their life easy? Probably not. My guess is that they have to work hard too. My guess is that setbacks have also come their way. The difference between us and them? Choice.

I have realized that in my own life I have been leaving my choices up to others. Sigh. Whatever is comfortable for everyone. Whatever keeps the peace. Whatever keeps me out of hot water. Whatever makes people happy. And I thought that that was what I wanted! I want to love everyone. I want everyone to love me! I hate the thought of disappointing someone...especially someone I love. I've been saying "someday", and waiting around as if someday will magically appear. I've been allowing others to make the decisions. No decisions have been made. My world has been full of "somedays".

Until my little world unraveled, I didn't see any other way. Somehow, I had lost who I was in the midst of seeing who everyone else wanted to be.

Sure, there is a time to sacrifice and give up who we are for the sake of Christ. But there is also a time, to express the greatness of who God created us to be. That beauty should never be hidden away, forgotten, or belittled.

What if....

...you began to pay attention to your words?
...a pattern began to emerge?
...you began to see what you really wanted?
...that's what you were supposed to do all along?
...you stopped blaming others for holding you back?
...you did it?

We can only blame someone else for so long. It's not really their fault. We can only talk to the talk for a little while. Eventually, it becomes time to "Go big or go home"...as they like to say in certain parts of the country. Eventually, you have to start walking, start following through. No one else is going to make your decisions well. They might try...but as much as they love you, they will never know you well enough...not like God does. There is an imprint on our hearts, that only He can breathe life into. PS- Thank Him for the friends and family who do realize this and love you and support you for who you are. They're the keepers.

Donald Miller states that characters in a story don't want to change. They have to be forced. They need what he calls an "inciting incident". For a story to go from okay...to good...to great...there must be a force for change.

Life becomes LIFE when we begin to say yes...to that thing deep inside...that voice that calls us out and reminds us of who we are. When we begin to say no to the chains of the past, the fears of the future, the expectations of the present. When we create inciting incidents for ourselves so that we cannot go back on our word. When we begin to say, "YES", to our hearts true desires....we are beginning to say yes to God. The voice way down deep inside is the mark of the One who created the whole universe, who created us. He knows who we are. He longs to give us LIFE and life abundantly. Because He is life and He wants us to know Him as much as He knows us.

Saying "YES" could be the most freeing word we ever speak. (Aside from saying yes to things that would hurt us or cause significant detriment to another. Saying "NO" at the right time could be the second most freeing word.) I have a friend who says that "yes" is her new answer to every invitation (with respect to above disclaimer). Joy begins to creep back in. And because life becomes more tangible and less idealistic, peace has this way of surpassing the troubles that come along the way. God's voice becomes clearer, more recognizable. We know who we are and that in turn will allow us to help others become who they are. Our freedom will bring others freedom. Want to get others to live a God filled life? Go get one for yourself...and then see what a witness true freedom really brings.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3

Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37

Walking in the Morning

I spent Tuesday morning hiking trails and climbing over boulders. I had been looking forward to this time...alone, early morning, crisp mountain air. After years of coming and going from Colorado, I still do not own a spring jacket for such occasions, but I had found an extra sweatshirt in mom's suitcase and layered up.

A couple of times, I imagined a mountain lion or a bear coming out of nowhere, feeling very small and vulnerable in comparison to my surroundings. But most of the time, I was way too interested in the view...way too occupied with the thoughts that came to my mind. In open spaces the wind was cold, and when I couldn't feel my hands as much as I wanted to for the sake of taking pictures, I found a place to sit and warm up...a boulder nestled into a hillside under a very large tree. I could see Pike's Peak from where I sat. I could see a lot of things.

It was the morning of my brother's wedding. I was surrounded by beauty and love and family. I sat in the middle of a wide open place, wondering what would come next...would anything come next? And would I have to walk alone?

I sat and wondered what God saw in me...what He saw for me. Because lately, I hadn't seen anything. And I wondered, as I had for the past couple of weeks, if my story was done. A scary thought, trust me I know...but to confess this is the most honest confession I can give.

So much seemed to be lost...promises, love, dreams, plans, people, laughter, acceptance, friendship, places, hope and vision for the future...and there was no one with whom to share my sorrow.

Somewhere in the fight, I had lost sight of the beauty. I had lost sight of the shore and all hope of returning to it. Somewhere in the fight I had forgotten where I was going. I had lost all trust in my allies. Somewhere in the fight, I had become my own worst enemy...I had allowed myself to become redefined.

I am usually accepting of others. I try to love well...look past insecurities and flaws, admire unique qualities, and support the hopes and dreams of those who cross my path. Sure, I still honk and comment at the occasional person who cuts me off in traffic. I still respond in short sentences to my family when I feel stepped on. I can be less than patient when things do not go my way. Although, it is becoming less and less. I feel so guilty for hurting anyone. No one has to tell me when I've done wrong...my conscience does a good job of putting me in my place the moment a wrong word comes out of my mouth. I even apologize when I haven't done anything wrong. I can't stand the thought of being the reason for disappointment. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out. One of my biggest fears is losing someone I love without them ever knowing how much they meant to me.

But this acceptance has also been my weakness. At the heart of it all, I too am longing for acceptance. In the great effort to love, accept, support and encourage...I am hoping for the same in return. I end up dancing between fighting for the "me" I know is in there and giving up on me in hopes that the act of giving will be met by a person who will see and give back the same kind of love. But what if they do not "see"? What if they see something else, someone else? Therein lies the problem.

Instead of looking into the mirror of God's love and goodness for my definition, I have often looked into the mirror of the voices around me. Those voices are often more close and comforting and real. Those voices offer relationship too. So, I began to listen and to believe a whole lot of things. And my mind would change, sometimes on a daily basis. Until I couldn't remember the truth. I couldn't feel the truth. I could only feel confusion and hurt. I became so tired, so broken, so unaware of what my life was really meant to be. Of course, there were moments of clarity, when I fought and fought for who I was, for what I believed. It felt right at the time; like something needed to be said. But, looking back, did I really need those fighting words? They seemed to have come to nothing. All I could see was that I had given my words, my heart, my hope to someone, something other that the One who would fight for my joy and peace.

If I had only believed, in the first place, how truly important my story, my past, my experiences, my destiny was too...I wouldn't have had to ask someone else to see it...I would only have had to live it out for myself. I could have walked strong, confident, unhindered by the voices that told me who I should be, what I should believe, what my choices "really" said about me. After all, only God knows our true hearts, and that's all that should ever define us.

It was a long walk that morning...and even longer journey leading up to it. I'm not sure where to go from there either. Sweet Jesus, be my peace...and lead me in your everlasting way.

Committed

He told me that there was a time when he was unsure...and everything fell apart. There was tension, heartache, uncertainty. I remember it well.

And then everything changed. He turned back. He felt God working; he felt love renewed.

But the feelings did not always remain. There was still uncertainty, tension, pain. The difference? His commitment to see it through this time.

This is what he said, "Feelings cannot dictate to a relationship. Feelings change. Feelings can tell you things that are not true. When you set your heart to commit to someone...no matter what...that is when your love grows. Feelings, words, and actions should follow commitment and not the other way around."

When I heard him, I knew that he loved well. And although I am only his sister...I felt more loved than ever. There was a security in his words...a place to rest from any kind of fear. Thank you, brother, for taking the time to tell me that committing to love, even in the face of adversity, is the most hopeful and honest kind of love there is.

I have never heard such joy in his voice. I have never heard him laugh so much. I have never heard the certainty as I did in the days following their wedding day. He has found the treasure in loving well.

When you know that you are free, you automatically allow others their freedom. When you choose to love and to keep on loving, love has its freedom to grow and return to you. That is where the joy comes from. It is not about rules and regulations. It is not about what "he said, she said". It is less about what is being taken away and more about what can be given to increase. It is all about the realization that you are free to commit to the staying or to the going. If love is ever to be renewed it is wrapped up in these two things...freedom and commitment...hand in hand. One cannot come without the other. On their own, either one will lose their power and relationships will fall apart.

Where do you feel led to be? Where is God directing your heart? Then commit yourself to the path...no matter what the circumstances, no matter what fears, insecurities, and pain tell you to do. Commit to something, stand up for someone, even if it is just for you, even if it is for a someone you never thought you could ever forgive. See what happens then. See where love takes you. Watch yourself change and grow into a person who is truly free, into a person who brings freedom to others. And then listen as the joy rises up in your heart and the healing begins.

My First Love

Many people called this land hopeless. I didn't hear them. The music of ancient scriptures burned through my heart. Love does not fail. Love protects, love trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I saw the seeds lying beneath the ground. I imagined the flowers in bloom. I dug my hands deep into the dirt...it was still good ground. Many years had gone by without rain. It was hard to imagine beauty in a place so hard, so adverse to the extravagant dreams of my own dear heart. But I dreamed nonetheless.

I had come from a place of eternal springs. A place where anything is possible. Where old men can be young again. A place where the dead come back to life. A place where lost souls find their hope. Where sickness is gone. Where lovers find peace. Where questions find their answers. Where tears are turned to joy. A place, with a Creator, who loves...who creates...who gathers...who speaks. And when He speaks, something comes to life...where nothing had existed before. I came from a place where all things are made new.

No matter what anyone else told me...this barren land had hope. And I embraced it, calling it my very own. I sang and danced as if the most beautiful gift had been given to me. This, this is what I had been created for. I heard the sounds of my own heart beating. I saw my dreams come alive. A rose garden here, an oak tree there...a field to the left...and to the right a most beautiful vegetable garden. And closest to where I stood an open area to gather my friends and entertain strangers. Walking paths, a trellis. Children laughing. I had even bought a new dress to wear.

I did not expect the land to fight against me. Thorns and thistles began to crowd out the seeds I had so lovingly planted. I did not expect the rains, that I had loved since my birth, to flood rather than soak into the ground. The ground was so hard and cracked, unwilling to be refreshed by what it so desperately needed. I chided myself for not preparing well enough. I cried for the lack of knowledge in comparison to the voice of great dreams inside of my head.

I longed for a companion to help me rather than to offer the advice of giving up. I didn't want an easy, ready-made piece of property. I wanted something real, something worth the sweat and tears. I wanted a story. I wanted character and depth. I wanted to laugh and say, "I don't remember the pain, it was worth it in the end." There were some friends, who would stay for awhile. I am grateful for the tears that they cried with me; for the stories of hope and the words of life that they brought to my door. But they each had their own land too. Some were at the very beginning, some had enough trouble of their own, others were enjoying the fruit of their labor. And I could not hold them back to stay with me. Eventually, I was alone again.

Until I remembered my Creator. The one who had sent me here. The one who had given me a heart to love this land. The one who had given me the strength thus far. He had been good to me. He was the one who made me fall in love with the work of redemption, with the miracle of seeing something come from nothing. He was the one who told me that all would be well, that He would make all things new. I finally told Him, that I had tried. I had tried so hard. I told Him, that I was tired. I asked Him why He hadn't come sooner. I asked Him what in the world He was trying to do. I was angry with the thought that He would knowingly lead me to love a place that was doomed from the start. Or even worse, ask me to love and dream, only later to ask me to walk away as if it was never mine in the first place. What kind of Creator plays that sort of game with the heart? And then I wondered if He had led me here at all. I wondered if I hadn't picked it out for my very self and used Him to make my dreams come true. What was really true about this place? What was really true inside of me?

I stood there, staring at the sky. Wearing my new dress. Feeling as if I had only just awoke from a dream. A dream, that upon awakening, left me wanting to go back and change the course of all that had happened. And I wondered where everyone had gone, and how I had gotten here. I wondered where home was, and if anyone would come for me. I wondered how this barren land could ever become new. I wondered if anyone would ever see the hope that was alive in my heart. In that moment, I wanted so badly to run without ever looking back...and I longed to stay and start all over again. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" I cried...not knowing if I was screaming to the circumstances, or to the intents of my own heart.

The rains came down harder. The silence was deafening. All was lost.

And how long had it all been lost really? I was faced with the most terrifying questions. In the end, what had been worse, losing the land or misplacing my love for the Creator who held all of it in His hands? After all, it was not the land I had not been created for had it? I had been created for Him...the Creator...and that made all of the difference.

I stood there reminded of the ancient words...If we lose all, we still have Him. But without Him, we have nothing at all.

Matthew 10:39

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Revelation 2:2-5
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

Community in Action

I have met some incredible people here in Nashville. People who do not just talk about changing the world...they live it out...one day at a time, in so many different ways. People who are not consumed by living just "The American Dream". People who are reaching beyond their comfort zones to bring relief, hope, comfort, and love to those who do not have it at all. Unselfish people. Serving people. People with stories of their own despair...turned into hope...turned into healing words and hands.

For instance, there's the Monday night homeless outreach...a group of friends who for a little more than a year now have gotten together once a week and served a meal to the homeless population downtown. It's called People Loving Nashville.


Then, there's Journey Ecclesia which I have found myself so thankful to be a part of. There are so many artists and creative people all working towards simply knowing God and expressing His love to both local and worldwide communities. Even on Sundays there will always be teams out serving somewhere...in nursing homes, local schools and businesses, visiting people who are in need of help.


I live in the Volunteer State. And this past week has been nothing short of seeing the reality of this given nickname. So many people have been out on the streets, helping neighbors, friends, and even strangers. I have heard so many stories that bring hope rather than despair. How many of us know that in our time of greatest despair, hope often comes when someone will come along side of us and help us to pick up the pieces? Here are some pictures from the flood last week.

Not to mention so many more personal experiences in this past year. There have been days recently when I am overwhelmed with the kindness of my friends and family. I have seen a community surround and bless and pray in ways that I have never seen before. I can see God in the love of people, without a word ever being spoken. I can see Him at work everywhere. It's so beautiful. I hardly have words to express my thankfulness at being able to experience such things. No wonder the Bible talks about not giving up on each other. We need each other...in the good times and especially in the bad.

The following is my new favorite blog. ---> Global Support Mission I don't know Jeremy too well, but enough to know that he is a catalyst for opening people's eyes to what is really going on in the world. He is the U.S. Programs Director for an organization called Know.Think.Act. This organization raises awareness and direct support for communities in need around the world. I have posted a video below of only one of the many stories. Enjoy. Hopefully, you too are finding ways to bless your community and bring hope to those around you. It doesn't take much...the littlest thing goes a very long way.

Deborah's Story from Global Support Mission on Vimeo.

Proverbs 11:25
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Worth Fighting For

Sometimes, all hope seems lost. Sometimes, it seems like the whole world is caving in. Sometimes, everything you have worked for falls apart. At those times, it is good to remember that we are not alone. There is a God who loves us and who is going to make all things right in the end. Read this ---> Revelation 21:3-7

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

Buddy

Everyone should have a happy face to meet them at the door. This was the face that met Kim and I this week.

Buddy came to us during the Nashville storm. We opened our apartment door Sunday morning and before we knew it we had a wet, but very friendly, puppy dog in our living room. He quickly insisted upon staying. So what else could we do but invite him on our trip to the grocery store during a break in the rain. We picked up dog food and treats, along with some shampoo. Throughout the week he has entertained our friends, eaten food from our plates, pulled us along for walks in the neighborhood, curled up beside us at night, barked for the whole neighborhood to hear when we had to leave him at home.

Today, Buddy happily jumped in the car with Kim's cousin unafraid of his next adventure. They have another dog and a big backyard. After some searching Kim and I have no idea where "Buddy" came from, and we are not ready for the joys of pet ownership at this point in our lives. We know he'll be happy in his new home.

Beautitudes

This passage meant so much to me tonight as I read it over the phone with Adam. I can't think of anything else to write. With a week like this one past...and a season like this one I have walked through...I feel lost for words and totally unable to fit every lesson and treasure into one small blog entry. Sometimes, we just have to let go and trust that God is continually in the process of making all things new. We have to believe and rest in the fact that He will never give up, even when our strength is gone.

Matthew 5:3-12

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

^11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

Prayer Update

I am not able to update my facebook from work, but I wanted to update everyone who has been praying. Adam lost his brother yesterday. He had fallen during a climb on the trail. Please lift this family up. Pray that they would sense how near God is to them. Thank you everyone. I know your fervent and effective prayers mean the world to Adam and his family right now...it is the love language of God's kingdom.

Two Kinds of Wisdom

The lesson I am learning: Actions speak louder than words. I am convicted most recently that my spoken ideals are nothing compared to the way I live my life. My life is speaking much louder about what I believe than my words ever will. I could talk for hours about what I believe but in the end it's a bunch of nonsense if I do not live it out. So, slowly but surely...I am making more effort to try to live truthfully first...and explain/analyze/discuss/define later.

James 3:13-18

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Worthy of Love

It must have been so quiet in the room that night. So many thoughts must have raced through their minds. They must have had so many questions. He made it sound like the end. He was speaking words they did not understand.

And there He was, taking each of their feet...and washing them. There He was, choosing His words carefully, nothing wasted. He reminded them of His love. He told them what was to come. He told them to remember.

They promised not to abandon Him. But He knew...that each one of them would turn away that night. He knew He would have to go forward alone. But that didn't stop Him.

He went ahead...and continued to wash their feet. He went ahead, giving them bread and wine, so that when they looked back on that night they would remember His covenant to them. And very soon after that, He went ahead and gave up His life for them.

He knew their imperfections, their failures...and He loved them anyways. He knew what they were capable of, what they were prone to do...and He loved them anyways. He saw the future. He believed in them. He knew that they would carry His message. He knew that although they would deny Him in fear...once again they would turn and give their lives for the great love of God that had been displayed to them. He knew the genuineness their love. And He knew that His own love was stronger than the death He would soon experience.

Two thousand years later I love a man who laid His life down for me. I don't understand that kind of love. But I recognize it. I want to see Him with my own eyes, hear Him with my own ears. I want to look deep into His eyes...and see the hope He must have carried with Him on that awful day. The hope that if only He would lay down His life...my life would begin...and I would know Him. Imagine that desire of His heart. Imagine loving that deeply and that unselfishly. Imagine loving in the face of rejection.

Even then, He already knew...what I had done. Even then, He knew that I would turn my back on Him. He knew that I would ask Him questions. He knew my sin and all the things I had deemed more important than knowing God. He knew...and He went to the cross for me. He laid down His life for me. For you. Because He saw the joy of one day what would be. W e would know the truth about Him and that truth would set us free.

If that is love...then I am ruined. I long to walk worthy of such a love. He is worthy of mine.

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Complete Trust

Ever have trouble thinking that God is asking too much? Listen to this message video...

Opened Hands

"You have no idea what hangs in the balance of your decision to follow Jesus." -Andy Stanley

...so they left everything and they followed Him. Luke 5:11

We're Never the Same

I think I posted this before. But I was thinking again today...about this song...about the lyrics...

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us, Oh how He loves us."

We're never the same. Not with Christ. Nothing is impossible. Nothing. What seems hopeless and lifeless today will surprise us tomorrow, rising again with a new life that we never thought possible. The things we thought could never change...would never change...well, they change. Not because we found some magic formula, but because we have finally found the giver of life...the Creator who does ALL things well...who takes what is broken and dirty and ugly and creates some new and beautiful.

And even more than changing the circumstances....He changes us.

All we have to do is ask Him. All we have to do is trust. That He is a good God...who longs to love us, take apart what is broken and put us back together again...

The Way of Love

I've been reminded of this passage from from 1 Corinthians all weekend. I'm holding it up and looking into it's mirror image and saying "Oh yeah, I forgot that. I have a long ways to go."

But I am also reminded that love is alive. Love calls us to grow and change...not because we're undeserving unless we do so...but simply because our lives are so much better, so much more full and joyful and at peace, in the light of it. When we allow love in, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable...we accept the fact that we're going to be uncomfortable at some point...we accept the fact that others are going to be imperfect around us...we forgive our own selves for being imperfect...we forgive others and love them right where they are in their journey. Love keeps the joy alive, the communication free, and the door open to the adventures that we are all so longing for.

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Kindness

I remember kindness. I remember receiving more than I deserved. I remember being thankful and wishing I could give even just a little bit in return. I remember learning that my heart was worthwhile, that I had value. I remember feeling important and taken care of.

And, of course, it wasn't all roses. Of course, there were misunderstandings and annoyances. Of course, there were days of tears and sad goodbyes. But as I reflected today, on all the comings and the goings of my life, kindness was the word that kept running through my mind. From family and friends, from strangers, from those I walked with for awhile. I was given beautiful pictures all along the way of what it is like to love and to be loved. It remains as the desire of my heart. And although I'm not perfect at being kind, and I have to apologize more than I would like to admit, kindness is the thing I desire most...it calms the heart and brings out the best. It covers a multitude of grievances and failures. It brings about changes that once seemed so impossible.

It was a listening ear on a late night park bench in the middle of the 3rd world series game. It was a valentines dinner when "everything had to be perfect" but kept falling out of place. It was being told that I was not to feel guilty, ever, when a guy paid for dinner. It was being told that I was beautiful at random moments...at just the right moment. It was magic and dreaming. It was a scolding for not calling right away when I had returned home for the summer. It was the hug right after the first time I spoke in front of church. It was the prayers prayed for me. It was hauling furniture across the city or across the country for that matter. It was traveling 2 hours both ways every weekend just to take me out and spend time with me. It was the perfect gift. It was and still is a smile when I walk in the door. It's making dinner when I don't have the strength to even pour cereal. It's late night phone calls to help me drive home. It's word of assurance when I feel afraid. It's dancing in the middle of the room and singing in my ear. It's the twirl in the airport. It's the note I come home to after a long day. It's holding hands. It's hearing that someone believes in who I am...even after I've done everything wrong.

I don't hold onto the past or live in it, not at all. But tonight I am reminded and encouraged, that even though life has dealt a whole bunch of lemons...God's kindness has never failed. He has never failed to place people in my life to show me what life was really all about...what love really and truly feels like. It feels safe and secure, quiet and strong, jealous and unrelenting. It's a fire that will not be quenched...no matter how hard it rains.

Thank you seems so small in comparison to the way my life has been touched.

Today, as I hiked the loop around Radnor Lake I passed a woman in her 50's probably, with red hair and a kind face. She did not say hello to me, but she smiled. I imagined today that if God met me along that same path, He would probably smile at me just like she did. I passed her twice. And each time she smiled I felt the tears of relief...I was loved...I am loved...by a God who knows my name.