Walking in the Morning

I spent Tuesday morning hiking trails and climbing over boulders. I had been looking forward to this time...alone, early morning, crisp mountain air. After years of coming and going from Colorado, I still do not own a spring jacket for such occasions, but I had found an extra sweatshirt in mom's suitcase and layered up.

A couple of times, I imagined a mountain lion or a bear coming out of nowhere, feeling very small and vulnerable in comparison to my surroundings. But most of the time, I was way too interested in the view...way too occupied with the thoughts that came to my mind. In open spaces the wind was cold, and when I couldn't feel my hands as much as I wanted to for the sake of taking pictures, I found a place to sit and warm up...a boulder nestled into a hillside under a very large tree. I could see Pike's Peak from where I sat. I could see a lot of things.

It was the morning of my brother's wedding. I was surrounded by beauty and love and family. I sat in the middle of a wide open place, wondering what would come next...would anything come next? And would I have to walk alone?

I sat and wondered what God saw in me...what He saw for me. Because lately, I hadn't seen anything. And I wondered, as I had for the past couple of weeks, if my story was done. A scary thought, trust me I know...but to confess this is the most honest confession I can give.

So much seemed to be lost...promises, love, dreams, plans, people, laughter, acceptance, friendship, places, hope and vision for the future...and there was no one with whom to share my sorrow.

Somewhere in the fight, I had lost sight of the beauty. I had lost sight of the shore and all hope of returning to it. Somewhere in the fight I had forgotten where I was going. I had lost all trust in my allies. Somewhere in the fight, I had become my own worst enemy...I had allowed myself to become redefined.

I am usually accepting of others. I try to love well...look past insecurities and flaws, admire unique qualities, and support the hopes and dreams of those who cross my path. Sure, I still honk and comment at the occasional person who cuts me off in traffic. I still respond in short sentences to my family when I feel stepped on. I can be less than patient when things do not go my way. Although, it is becoming less and less. I feel so guilty for hurting anyone. No one has to tell me when I've done wrong...my conscience does a good job of putting me in my place the moment a wrong word comes out of my mouth. I even apologize when I haven't done anything wrong. I can't stand the thought of being the reason for disappointment. I don't want anyone to ever feel left out. One of my biggest fears is losing someone I love without them ever knowing how much they meant to me.

But this acceptance has also been my weakness. At the heart of it all, I too am longing for acceptance. In the great effort to love, accept, support and encourage...I am hoping for the same in return. I end up dancing between fighting for the "me" I know is in there and giving up on me in hopes that the act of giving will be met by a person who will see and give back the same kind of love. But what if they do not "see"? What if they see something else, someone else? Therein lies the problem.

Instead of looking into the mirror of God's love and goodness for my definition, I have often looked into the mirror of the voices around me. Those voices are often more close and comforting and real. Those voices offer relationship too. So, I began to listen and to believe a whole lot of things. And my mind would change, sometimes on a daily basis. Until I couldn't remember the truth. I couldn't feel the truth. I could only feel confusion and hurt. I became so tired, so broken, so unaware of what my life was really meant to be. Of course, there were moments of clarity, when I fought and fought for who I was, for what I believed. It felt right at the time; like something needed to be said. But, looking back, did I really need those fighting words? They seemed to have come to nothing. All I could see was that I had given my words, my heart, my hope to someone, something other that the One who would fight for my joy and peace.

If I had only believed, in the first place, how truly important my story, my past, my experiences, my destiny was too...I wouldn't have had to ask someone else to see it...I would only have had to live it out for myself. I could have walked strong, confident, unhindered by the voices that told me who I should be, what I should believe, what my choices "really" said about me. After all, only God knows our true hearts, and that's all that should ever define us.

It was a long walk that morning...and even longer journey leading up to it. I'm not sure where to go from there either. Sweet Jesus, be my peace...and lead me in your everlasting way.

Committed

He told me that there was a time when he was unsure...and everything fell apart. There was tension, heartache, uncertainty. I remember it well.

And then everything changed. He turned back. He felt God working; he felt love renewed.

But the feelings did not always remain. There was still uncertainty, tension, pain. The difference? His commitment to see it through this time.

This is what he said, "Feelings cannot dictate to a relationship. Feelings change. Feelings can tell you things that are not true. When you set your heart to commit to someone...no matter what...that is when your love grows. Feelings, words, and actions should follow commitment and not the other way around."

When I heard him, I knew that he loved well. And although I am only his sister...I felt more loved than ever. There was a security in his words...a place to rest from any kind of fear. Thank you, brother, for taking the time to tell me that committing to love, even in the face of adversity, is the most hopeful and honest kind of love there is.

I have never heard such joy in his voice. I have never heard him laugh so much. I have never heard the certainty as I did in the days following their wedding day. He has found the treasure in loving well.

When you know that you are free, you automatically allow others their freedom. When you choose to love and to keep on loving, love has its freedom to grow and return to you. That is where the joy comes from. It is not about rules and regulations. It is not about what "he said, she said". It is less about what is being taken away and more about what can be given to increase. It is all about the realization that you are free to commit to the staying or to the going. If love is ever to be renewed it is wrapped up in these two things...freedom and commitment...hand in hand. One cannot come without the other. On their own, either one will lose their power and relationships will fall apart.

Where do you feel led to be? Where is God directing your heart? Then commit yourself to the path...no matter what the circumstances, no matter what fears, insecurities, and pain tell you to do. Commit to something, stand up for someone, even if it is just for you, even if it is for a someone you never thought you could ever forgive. See what happens then. See where love takes you. Watch yourself change and grow into a person who is truly free, into a person who brings freedom to others. And then listen as the joy rises up in your heart and the healing begins.

My First Love

Many people called this land hopeless. I didn't hear them. The music of ancient scriptures burned through my heart. Love does not fail. Love protects, love trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I saw the seeds lying beneath the ground. I imagined the flowers in bloom. I dug my hands deep into the dirt...it was still good ground. Many years had gone by without rain. It was hard to imagine beauty in a place so hard, so adverse to the extravagant dreams of my own dear heart. But I dreamed nonetheless.

I had come from a place of eternal springs. A place where anything is possible. Where old men can be young again. A place where the dead come back to life. A place where lost souls find their hope. Where sickness is gone. Where lovers find peace. Where questions find their answers. Where tears are turned to joy. A place, with a Creator, who loves...who creates...who gathers...who speaks. And when He speaks, something comes to life...where nothing had existed before. I came from a place where all things are made new.

No matter what anyone else told me...this barren land had hope. And I embraced it, calling it my very own. I sang and danced as if the most beautiful gift had been given to me. This, this is what I had been created for. I heard the sounds of my own heart beating. I saw my dreams come alive. A rose garden here, an oak tree there...a field to the left...and to the right a most beautiful vegetable garden. And closest to where I stood an open area to gather my friends and entertain strangers. Walking paths, a trellis. Children laughing. I had even bought a new dress to wear.

I did not expect the land to fight against me. Thorns and thistles began to crowd out the seeds I had so lovingly planted. I did not expect the rains, that I had loved since my birth, to flood rather than soak into the ground. The ground was so hard and cracked, unwilling to be refreshed by what it so desperately needed. I chided myself for not preparing well enough. I cried for the lack of knowledge in comparison to the voice of great dreams inside of my head.

I longed for a companion to help me rather than to offer the advice of giving up. I didn't want an easy, ready-made piece of property. I wanted something real, something worth the sweat and tears. I wanted a story. I wanted character and depth. I wanted to laugh and say, "I don't remember the pain, it was worth it in the end." There were some friends, who would stay for awhile. I am grateful for the tears that they cried with me; for the stories of hope and the words of life that they brought to my door. But they each had their own land too. Some were at the very beginning, some had enough trouble of their own, others were enjoying the fruit of their labor. And I could not hold them back to stay with me. Eventually, I was alone again.

Until I remembered my Creator. The one who had sent me here. The one who had given me a heart to love this land. The one who had given me the strength thus far. He had been good to me. He was the one who made me fall in love with the work of redemption, with the miracle of seeing something come from nothing. He was the one who told me that all would be well, that He would make all things new. I finally told Him, that I had tried. I had tried so hard. I told Him, that I was tired. I asked Him why He hadn't come sooner. I asked Him what in the world He was trying to do. I was angry with the thought that He would knowingly lead me to love a place that was doomed from the start. Or even worse, ask me to love and dream, only later to ask me to walk away as if it was never mine in the first place. What kind of Creator plays that sort of game with the heart? And then I wondered if He had led me here at all. I wondered if I hadn't picked it out for my very self and used Him to make my dreams come true. What was really true about this place? What was really true inside of me?

I stood there, staring at the sky. Wearing my new dress. Feeling as if I had only just awoke from a dream. A dream, that upon awakening, left me wanting to go back and change the course of all that had happened. And I wondered where everyone had gone, and how I had gotten here. I wondered where home was, and if anyone would come for me. I wondered how this barren land could ever become new. I wondered if anyone would ever see the hope that was alive in my heart. In that moment, I wanted so badly to run without ever looking back...and I longed to stay and start all over again. "It wasn't supposed to be this way!" I cried...not knowing if I was screaming to the circumstances, or to the intents of my own heart.

The rains came down harder. The silence was deafening. All was lost.

And how long had it all been lost really? I was faced with the most terrifying questions. In the end, what had been worse, losing the land or misplacing my love for the Creator who held all of it in His hands? After all, it was not the land I had not been created for had it? I had been created for Him...the Creator...and that made all of the difference.

I stood there reminded of the ancient words...If we lose all, we still have Him. But without Him, we have nothing at all.

Matthew 10:39

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Revelation 2:2-5
I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked men, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.

Community in Action

I have met some incredible people here in Nashville. People who do not just talk about changing the world...they live it out...one day at a time, in so many different ways. People who are not consumed by living just "The American Dream". People who are reaching beyond their comfort zones to bring relief, hope, comfort, and love to those who do not have it at all. Unselfish people. Serving people. People with stories of their own despair...turned into hope...turned into healing words and hands.

For instance, there's the Monday night homeless outreach...a group of friends who for a little more than a year now have gotten together once a week and served a meal to the homeless population downtown. It's called People Loving Nashville.


Then, there's Journey Ecclesia which I have found myself so thankful to be a part of. There are so many artists and creative people all working towards simply knowing God and expressing His love to both local and worldwide communities. Even on Sundays there will always be teams out serving somewhere...in nursing homes, local schools and businesses, visiting people who are in need of help.


I live in the Volunteer State. And this past week has been nothing short of seeing the reality of this given nickname. So many people have been out on the streets, helping neighbors, friends, and even strangers. I have heard so many stories that bring hope rather than despair. How many of us know that in our time of greatest despair, hope often comes when someone will come along side of us and help us to pick up the pieces? Here are some pictures from the flood last week.

Not to mention so many more personal experiences in this past year. There have been days recently when I am overwhelmed with the kindness of my friends and family. I have seen a community surround and bless and pray in ways that I have never seen before. I can see God in the love of people, without a word ever being spoken. I can see Him at work everywhere. It's so beautiful. I hardly have words to express my thankfulness at being able to experience such things. No wonder the Bible talks about not giving up on each other. We need each other...in the good times and especially in the bad.

The following is my new favorite blog. ---> Global Support Mission I don't know Jeremy too well, but enough to know that he is a catalyst for opening people's eyes to what is really going on in the world. He is the U.S. Programs Director for an organization called Know.Think.Act. This organization raises awareness and direct support for communities in need around the world. I have posted a video below of only one of the many stories. Enjoy. Hopefully, you too are finding ways to bless your community and bring hope to those around you. It doesn't take much...the littlest thing goes a very long way.

Deborah's Story from Global Support Mission on Vimeo.

Proverbs 11:25
A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Worth Fighting For

Sometimes, all hope seems lost. Sometimes, it seems like the whole world is caving in. Sometimes, everything you have worked for falls apart. At those times, it is good to remember that we are not alone. There is a God who loves us and who is going to make all things right in the end. Read this ---> Revelation 21:3-7

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

Buddy

Everyone should have a happy face to meet them at the door. This was the face that met Kim and I this week.

Buddy came to us during the Nashville storm. We opened our apartment door Sunday morning and before we knew it we had a wet, but very friendly, puppy dog in our living room. He quickly insisted upon staying. So what else could we do but invite him on our trip to the grocery store during a break in the rain. We picked up dog food and treats, along with some shampoo. Throughout the week he has entertained our friends, eaten food from our plates, pulled us along for walks in the neighborhood, curled up beside us at night, barked for the whole neighborhood to hear when we had to leave him at home.

Today, Buddy happily jumped in the car with Kim's cousin unafraid of his next adventure. They have another dog and a big backyard. After some searching Kim and I have no idea where "Buddy" came from, and we are not ready for the joys of pet ownership at this point in our lives. We know he'll be happy in his new home.

Beautitudes

This passage meant so much to me tonight as I read it over the phone with Adam. I can't think of anything else to write. With a week like this one past...and a season like this one I have walked through...I feel lost for words and totally unable to fit every lesson and treasure into one small blog entry. Sometimes, we just have to let go and trust that God is continually in the process of making all things new. We have to believe and rest in the fact that He will never give up, even when our strength is gone.

Matthew 5:3-12

³"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

⁴"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

⁵"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.

⁶"You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat.

⁷"You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for.

⁸"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

⁹"You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family.

¹⁰"You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom.

^11-12"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don't like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.

Prayer Update

I am not able to update my facebook from work, but I wanted to update everyone who has been praying. Adam lost his brother yesterday. He had fallen during a climb on the trail. Please lift this family up. Pray that they would sense how near God is to them. Thank you everyone. I know your fervent and effective prayers mean the world to Adam and his family right now...it is the love language of God's kingdom.

Two Kinds of Wisdom

The lesson I am learning: Actions speak louder than words. I am convicted most recently that my spoken ideals are nothing compared to the way I live my life. My life is speaking much louder about what I believe than my words ever will. I could talk for hours about what I believe but in the end it's a bunch of nonsense if I do not live it out. So, slowly but surely...I am making more effort to try to live truthfully first...and explain/analyze/discuss/define later.

James 3:13-18

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

Worthy of Love

It must have been so quiet in the room that night. So many thoughts must have raced through their minds. They must have had so many questions. He made it sound like the end. He was speaking words they did not understand.

And there He was, taking each of their feet...and washing them. There He was, choosing His words carefully, nothing wasted. He reminded them of His love. He told them what was to come. He told them to remember.

They promised not to abandon Him. But He knew...that each one of them would turn away that night. He knew He would have to go forward alone. But that didn't stop Him.

He went ahead...and continued to wash their feet. He went ahead, giving them bread and wine, so that when they looked back on that night they would remember His covenant to them. And very soon after that, He went ahead and gave up His life for them.

He knew their imperfections, their failures...and He loved them anyways. He knew what they were capable of, what they were prone to do...and He loved them anyways. He saw the future. He believed in them. He knew that they would carry His message. He knew that although they would deny Him in fear...once again they would turn and give their lives for the great love of God that had been displayed to them. He knew the genuineness their love. And He knew that His own love was stronger than the death He would soon experience.

Two thousand years later I love a man who laid His life down for me. I don't understand that kind of love. But I recognize it. I want to see Him with my own eyes, hear Him with my own ears. I want to look deep into His eyes...and see the hope He must have carried with Him on that awful day. The hope that if only He would lay down His life...my life would begin...and I would know Him. Imagine that desire of His heart. Imagine loving that deeply and that unselfishly. Imagine loving in the face of rejection.

Even then, He already knew...what I had done. Even then, He knew that I would turn my back on Him. He knew that I would ask Him questions. He knew my sin and all the things I had deemed more important than knowing God. He knew...and He went to the cross for me. He laid down His life for me. For you. Because He saw the joy of one day what would be. W e would know the truth about Him and that truth would set us free.

If that is love...then I am ruined. I long to walk worthy of such a love. He is worthy of mine.

Isaiah 53:4-5

Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

Complete Trust

Ever have trouble thinking that God is asking too much? Listen to this message video...

Opened Hands

"You have no idea what hangs in the balance of your decision to follow Jesus." -Andy Stanley

...so they left everything and they followed Him. Luke 5:11

We're Never the Same

I think I posted this before. But I was thinking again today...about this song...about the lyrics...

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way, that He loves us, Oh how He loves us."

We're never the same. Not with Christ. Nothing is impossible. Nothing. What seems hopeless and lifeless today will surprise us tomorrow, rising again with a new life that we never thought possible. The things we thought could never change...would never change...well, they change. Not because we found some magic formula, but because we have finally found the giver of life...the Creator who does ALL things well...who takes what is broken and dirty and ugly and creates some new and beautiful.

And even more than changing the circumstances....He changes us.

All we have to do is ask Him. All we have to do is trust. That He is a good God...who longs to love us, take apart what is broken and put us back together again...

The Way of Love

I've been reminded of this passage from from 1 Corinthians all weekend. I'm holding it up and looking into it's mirror image and saying "Oh yeah, I forgot that. I have a long ways to go."

But I am also reminded that love is alive. Love calls us to grow and change...not because we're undeserving unless we do so...but simply because our lives are so much better, so much more full and joyful and at peace, in the light of it. When we allow love in, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable...we accept the fact that we're going to be uncomfortable at some point...we accept the fact that others are going to be imperfect around us...we forgive our own selves for being imperfect...we forgive others and love them right where they are in their journey. Love keeps the joy alive, the communication free, and the door open to the adventures that we are all so longing for.

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
²If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

^8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

¹¹When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

Kindness

I remember kindness. I remember receiving more than I deserved. I remember being thankful and wishing I could give even just a little bit in return. I remember learning that my heart was worthwhile, that I had value. I remember feeling important and taken care of.

And, of course, it wasn't all roses. Of course, there were misunderstandings and annoyances. Of course, there were days of tears and sad goodbyes. But as I reflected today, on all the comings and the goings of my life, kindness was the word that kept running through my mind. From family and friends, from strangers, from those I walked with for awhile. I was given beautiful pictures all along the way of what it is like to love and to be loved. It remains as the desire of my heart. And although I'm not perfect at being kind, and I have to apologize more than I would like to admit, kindness is the thing I desire most...it calms the heart and brings out the best. It covers a multitude of grievances and failures. It brings about changes that once seemed so impossible.

It was a listening ear on a late night park bench in the middle of the 3rd world series game. It was a valentines dinner when "everything had to be perfect" but kept falling out of place. It was being told that I was not to feel guilty, ever, when a guy paid for dinner. It was being told that I was beautiful at random moments...at just the right moment. It was magic and dreaming. It was a scolding for not calling right away when I had returned home for the summer. It was the hug right after the first time I spoke in front of church. It was the prayers prayed for me. It was hauling furniture across the city or across the country for that matter. It was traveling 2 hours both ways every weekend just to take me out and spend time with me. It was the perfect gift. It was and still is a smile when I walk in the door. It's making dinner when I don't have the strength to even pour cereal. It's late night phone calls to help me drive home. It's word of assurance when I feel afraid. It's dancing in the middle of the room and singing in my ear. It's the twirl in the airport. It's the note I come home to after a long day. It's holding hands. It's hearing that someone believes in who I am...even after I've done everything wrong.

I don't hold onto the past or live in it, not at all. But tonight I am reminded and encouraged, that even though life has dealt a whole bunch of lemons...God's kindness has never failed. He has never failed to place people in my life to show me what life was really all about...what love really and truly feels like. It feels safe and secure, quiet and strong, jealous and unrelenting. It's a fire that will not be quenched...no matter how hard it rains.

Thank you seems so small in comparison to the way my life has been touched.

Today, as I hiked the loop around Radnor Lake I passed a woman in her 50's probably, with red hair and a kind face. She did not say hello to me, but she smiled. I imagined today that if God met me along that same path, He would probably smile at me just like she did. I passed her twice. And each time she smiled I felt the tears of relief...I was loved...I am loved...by a God who knows my name.

Life Should Be Lived

I heard this on the radio yesterday morning. It echoes my thoughts today. Please take a moment to read this....

It's Time to Party

Mike Yaconelli

May-June 1989 The Door

Recently, my wife and I were having our devotions and reading our favorite devotional guide, Cosmopolitan. In it was another one of those mindless quizzes. (You know the ones: How Responsible Are You? How Sensual Are You? Do You Have ESP? Will Your Marriage Last?) One of the questions caught my eye. It said:

Which one would you prefer?

a) A wild, turbulent life filled with joy, sorrow, passion, and adventure -- intoxicating successes and stunning setbacks, or

b) A happy, secure, predictable life surrounded by many friends and family, without such wide swings of fortune and mood?

I thought the answer was obvious. Everyone, I thought, would choose the first option. I was shocked to discover that a good majority would choose the second option. And then it occurred to me: I have been working with adolescents for the past twenty-nine years. And, when I ask them to describe adults, one word always comes up -- borrrrring.

As I began to think about it, I realized that most adults I know are boring. They don't have fun anymore. Oh sure, get a few drinks under their belts and they act alive for awhile. But that's not what I mean. I'm talking about being and acting alive all the time.

The truth is that games are wasted on the young. Little kids don't know how to play games. Remember when you were seven years old and you played hide and seek? You'd hide behind a telephone pole with half your body hanging out. No, hide and seek isn't for children. It's for people like you and me. Now that I am forty-six, I know how to hide. I'm a darn good hider.

I have suggested a game of hide and seek to many adult audiences and I am always amazed at the response. I see adults all throughout the group nudging each other, quietly discussing a great hiding place they just thought of, secretly planning a game with their children. It doesn't take much to make most of us realize that we have become too serious, too tense, too stressful. The result is that we have forgotten how to live life. It seems like the older we get, the more difficult it is for us to enjoy living. It reminds me of a description given by the Rabbi Edward Cohn:

"Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time, all your weekends, and what do you get in the end of it?. . . I think that the life cycle is all backward. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live twenty years in an old age home. You et kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. Yo go to college; you party until you're ready for high school; you go to grade school; you become a little kid; you play. You have no responsibilities. You become a little baby; you go back into the womb; you spend your last months floating; and you finish up as a gleam in somebody's eye."

It's hard to imagine we were a gleam in someone's eye once. What happened to the gleam in our eye? What happened to that joyful, crazy, spontaneous, fun-loving spirit we once had? That childlikeness in all of us gets snuffed out over the years.

A.W. Tozer once said, "This society has put out the light in men's souls." He had it right. The more pagan a society becomes, the more boring its people become. The sign that Jesus is in our hearts, the evidence of the truth of the Gospel is . . . we still have a light on in our souls. We still have a gleam in our eye. We are alive, never boring, always playful, exhibiting in our everydayness the "spunk" of the Spirit.

the light in our souls is not some pious somberness. It is the spontaneous, unpredictable love of life. Christians are not just people who live godly lives. We are people who know how to live period. Christians are not just examples of moral purity. We are also people filled with a bold mischievousness. Christians not only know how to practice piety. We also know how to party.

I believe it's time for the party to begin.

Home - Mornings with Brant

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Resource

I just added a new link to my side bar entitled "Wednesdays with Beth". Beth Moore is a phenomenal Bible teacher. If you are needing 15 minutes of encouragement or insight deeper into God's word, check out this link. Beth Moore There are several topics to choose from. Beth speaks for about 15-20 minutes every Wednesday on a television broadcast called LIFE Today. You can fast forward through the first couple of minutes and listen in to just her teaching part.

No More Fear

I didn't know that going through the fire was going to bring me freedom. I thought I was already free. I didn't know that I would be strengthened as I endured pain. I thought I was already strong. I didn't know that in the dying there would be a reawakening. I certainly didn't want to die. I didn't know, in the words of my friend Katie, that where I had placed a period, there should have been a comma.

In my own understanding...all was lost. In my own understanding...there was no hope. In my own understanding...it was someone else's fault. In my own understanding...there was nothing I could do or say to bring about any sort of change.

But there was this still, small voice all along the way. There was this presence of hope that spoke against my shattered circumstances, saying, "It was enough...it was real...I was there." I would hear it in the moments of quiet, the moments right after a good, long cry. And as I listened I began to question why then it would have gone away? Why then did everything go awry?

After awhile and after placing most of the blame on another party, I began to examine my own motives, my own heart, my own weaknesses. And I saw a girl...who was afraid. She was afraid to lose what had been given to her. She was afraid that it would all go away. She was afraid that she would run out of time. She was afraid that it would not be as beautiful as she had dreamed. And as I saw the fear...I saw the God who was trying to release her from its hold.

It wasn't the friendship that caused the fear. The fear was already there. Friendships had been lost before this. I had been left standing alone before. I had been afraid for a very long time. My experiences had built this secret stronghold inside...this propensity to hold tightly...not out of love and freedom and joy...but out of fear and insecurity and entitlement.

It took losing the thing I held so dearly....to free me from the fear of its loss.


On the outside, you might say, "Oh, poor girl, you have had your heart broken." And you might feel sorry for me...while all the while it looked as if I had good reason to be sorry. But, God, He is so much greater than the loss. He knew that I was afraid. He knew that the way things were was not how they should have been. So, He dismantled it...right before my very eyes...took every last piece and cleaned me out. He knew my sadness, my bitterness, my rage. He knew...because He had felt it all before too. He knew, and He let me walk through every bit of the experience. But not without holding my hand, not without telling me the truth, and not without planning something on the other side.

God doesn't stop writing the story. He has plans way ahead of where we would choose to stop and mourn what we have lost. He goes out and gathers new pieces. He cleans up and shines some of the old ones...He begins to put the pieces together again...one at a time...in just the right way.

This time, in small pictures and windows, He let me see what He was doing...He let me ask questions and talk to Him about it. He put me in circumstances where I found myself surrounded by clues that He was at work. It was as if He was saying, "Remember this piece? This is how it works. Remember when I gave you this? This is what I meant when I gave it to you." Before I knew it...I started getting my hopes up. Before I knew it, I started seeing the things I had been talking to Him about. Before I knew it, I was walking around....unafraid.

I was unafraid...because I had lost my own ability to hold on. The only thing holding me up was God's love. And just when I began to believe how loving God was...I began to trust...that His plans for my life were good...that He really was working in the midst of all my circumstances. I didn't have to hear it from anyone else anymore. I didn't have to question. I had heard it from Him. I didn't have to doubt that He was working...I had seen it for my very self.

And all along...I think that's what He meant to do.


I learned how to listen. I learned how to pray. I learned that I could trust Him. There were days when I wanted to rage and write and say everything I was feeling inside...and I would battle with the still, small voice saying, "Be still...and let me fight for you."....only to hear days and weeks later...that the cries of my heart were heard...and all was reconciled...and I never had to say one thing...I had only to pray and trust and wait.

There are things I only said to God...and just recently I have heard them returned by others and by circumstances around me. It leaves me speechless and in awe of the lesson that it is way better to know that God is answering...rather than to know that you have created a world for yourself...to hold and control in your own strength. I know now that when I am afraid or worried, I have this Friend I can run to...who I can tell everything to...and who I can trust to move mountains on my behalf.

I am thankful. Thankful to have been released from fear. Thankful to have learned how to pray. Thankful to know and trust God better. Thankful to have found family and friends and to appreciate them more on the other side. Thankful for love that has never stopped working in my life. Thankful for a fresh beginning...and all things new.

There is no fear in love.
But perfect love drives out fear,
because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18

Happiness

Happiness
The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home

Home, home, home

Hope Fulfilled

Snow is currently covering the ground outside my window. There will be new layers throughout the day. I am so happy about my career...it gives me the freedom to enjoy such a blessed weather event. I got to sleep in this morning, play my guitar, read, talk to God, write to my family and friends. I am still acclimating to this peace...to the realization of answered prayers...to the sight and sound of all things new.

Just recently, someone said to me, "Do not doubt in the darkness what you have seen in the light". And now that I have walked through such darkness, trying desperately to cling to hope, it seems that the light is breaking through everywhere. Proverbs 13:12 ~Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Don't give up hope today...whoever you are...God is still writing your story.

Frodo: I can’t do this, Sam.

Sam: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.

"Lord of the Rings"

More or Less

I search for meaning in the midst of notes and lyrics. Personal meaning...some kind of connection, some kind of knowing, some kind of message that someone understands and that it's all going to be okay. In the midst of a great song...I know myself better, maybe I know God better, maybe I know someone else a little bit more. I know I'm not alone in this. So, as a writer, this leaves me feeling a great responsibility to also write my own material from a place of truth and depth. What can be better than to create a connection that will carry far beyond myself? What can be better than helping others to know something they didn't know before, or at least place their finger on something they couldn't quite find the words to.

But, if there is anything I have learned from living in Nashville for the past year, in relation to following "the dream", it is this: I don't want to perform in order to make a name for myself. I have no desire to allow the songs to dictate to me where I should show up on any given night in order to play so that I can be known...so that I can share more songs...so that I can gain some kind of meaning and significance of a life that looks way more spectacular than being a real live, down-to-earth person. I just want to play. I want it to be real. I want it to be an overflow of a heart that is truly alive and truly in relationship with the master Creator and songwriter.

I don't think I'm there yet. And the songs have grown quiet. Not because I want them to, but because I am not sure if they mean something. Are there new songs to sing? Is there a reason I have been given this gift, other than the reasons I have already seen? Where is the line between building my own kingdom and building for the God that I love so much? I don't want to live for myself...it seems so empty.

I am so thankful for the gift of song. I love the journey of words and the way it begins to blend with the melody. I love hearing a completed effort and feeling the joy of knowing that something beautiful came across the strings of my guitar...feeling that it had very little to do with me and very much to do with Him.

I love sharing this gift. I love singing a song for someone at just the right moment. I love sitting with a group of people and pouring out a lesson I have learned, guitar in hand, heart wide open. Some of the most beautiful moments have come in the quietest of places, with the most unlikely audiences, and with words and notes written long before the present, but just exactly for the moment that I find myself in.

When I began to play, way back in the day (haha), it was in times of complete wonder, complete acceptance, complete humility, complete reliance. I learned how to play by worshiping God. He is the reason I sing. He is the reason I pour out my heart in song. I don't ever want to forget this. I don't ever want to take it for granted. If I only played behind closed doors in my room for the rest of my life, it would be ok...as long as I knew that it was authentic and real. As long as I knew I wasn't selling out...wasn't trying to meet the expectations of people and places and myself for wanting to be known.

Just a lot of thoughts tonight. I'm on a journey...of song...and I have no idea what that means. Sometimes I am chasing it...sometimes I feel that it chases me. I am 30...I have written more than 20 songs at this point both finished and not...and I don't know what to do with them. I don't know where to take them. I have them, in my hands...along with papers that need to be graded, and relationships that need to be mended, and places I would very much like to go. And I am wondering...how it will all work out. Because I don't want to waste what I've been given...I don't want to come to the end and see that I could have done more or that I should have done less.

I will end with this quote that I read tonight in Beth Moore's study on the book of Daniel:

"The need for identity and a sense of significance is as human as our DNA. We begin this search in pursuit of ourselves only to arrive sorely disappointed. Cavernously empty. The honest sojourner cannot stop there no matter how high he's climbed or what position he's attained. If he does, he will forfeit his soul. In search of truth, he is driven beyond himself until all he finds is God. And in bowing down, he is lifted up...

Only in the reflecting pool of a poured-out life can a man finally see who he is."

And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but are yourself lost or destroyed? ~Luke 9:25