One American Dream

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?

Or what shall a man give in return for his life?"

Matthew 16:24-26

I've been contemplating this verse for a couple of months now. It started at the end of the summer. I began to feel uncomfortable about my house hunting. I knew that needing a house in itself was not a bad thing, it was the expectation that I "should" have a house, "should" have a new car, "should" have the things that every adult in this day and age aquires...ipod, running shoes, vacation, white picket fence....the American dream.

Who said the American dream was the best dream? Who said that the American dream was God's dream? Why is it that when I have acquired exactly what I want, I feel that more is just out of reach?

I watched the sun rise this morning...and then tonight, the moon rose above the water. I watched the waves roll in on the sand throughout the afternoon. Tonight I looked up at the stars and saw at least two shoot across the sky. Ancient people would worship the sun, the moon and the stars as if each were god. Thankfully, I know better. But, even still, their beauty causes my heart to open up, to contemplate things beyond who I am. There is something about creation that reminds me of His greatness, His beauty, His love.

He is all I need. God, how I know that. I know it. I know it. And yet there's nothing I can do to make it more real. There's nothing I can do to make that fact work for me. That revelation alone does not get me the house, the car, a family of my own. I can't do anything to make God perform for me. And yet I am nowhere near to measuring up in my performance for Him.

How then shall I live? The question rolls over and over in mind. How do I live for God without always feeling guilty? How do I simply just live for Him because I love Him and not because I want something from Him?

What is God's dream for me? I have a feeling it is not my dream. I saw the fulfillment of my dreams. And I embraced the dream as it died in my arms. So I stand here, without a dream and without much hope for more. I don't know the measure of my days. I don't know anything beyond today, beyond what I see.

But I want to know. I want to see this great God who lays claim to my heart, to every single day of my life. I want to watch the sun rise in my heart and His oceans spring forth on the shores of this young life. When others see me, I want them to be reminded of Him, of their hunger for something more, something deeper.

I want to know Christ and to make Him known.