Finding Life

From the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning:
"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even a single inch to our spiritual stature. There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and a subtle despair-subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It take the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play The Great God Brown: "Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

I am reading this book and thanking God that someone else in the world feels the same way I do. I thought coming to Florida would be like coming home. I thought that I would settle here, plant myself, get a life. But what I thought and what is in my heart are two very different things. I may venture out again. I may finally be courageous and step in a direction I didn't think that I could go. I just might surprise everyone, most of all myself and probably least of all God. Maybe, just maybe I will be brave.

Jaxson Deville came from the Jaguars football team to help us pump up our reading program this year. He had the kids jumping up and down singing a song about their dreams. These were the words, "Dream It, Do It, Believe It, Become It." We went back to the classroom and began to talk about our dreams and how we would get there. So, being the teacher, I had to share my own dream before expecting them to share theirs. And oddly enough, even though I love being with those kiddos every day...it isn't my dream. I feel like I'm committing a sin just saying that out loud. Because I am gifted with children, because I do love them, because right now this classroom is my place of ministry. Why would I give up something so good? I don't know. I just feel as if there's more.

What if I gave up now? What if I just settled into lesson plans and early morning meetings and looking forward to 20 minutes of recess every day? What if I just settled in on using my paycheck for classroom odds and ends, trips to Target and paying off school loans? What if boredom became my friend instead of my loathed enemy?

I have been a girl without vision holding passion in my hands. God help to open my eyes in the direction of your sunrise. God help me to be the girl that follows you with my whole heart and who is not afraid to leave security behind.