For as long as I can remember I have just wanted to be married. It has taken up my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, etc., etc. It's not even the novelty or the wedding day or the diamond ring. It's the simple knowing that I have someone to live my life with, someone who is going in the same direction, someone who I can commit to, someone who will commit to me, someone who I can trust wholly and completely.
Well 27 is here and I am not any closer to knowing who or when or how than I was at 22. I find myself entering into a new mindset. I am done worrying about it. I am choosing indifference at the moment. In translation...I am not looking. Looking and worrying and trying to plan leaves me disappointed and unfulfilled. And in the disappointment I have often forgotten that there is a life to be lived. I have forgotten that I have gifts to open, beauty to share, worlds to discover, a God to know.
And with this new mindset, it is not a wonder that I am at a loss for what to do. I have based my plans on having someone to share them with. I have hoped and dreamed for a friend for so long that I have not cultivated my confidence in being alone. I have not cultivated my confidence in the Lord. This is the time and season for such things. God help me.
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