Humble Me

In church this morning, the pastor talked about humility. It was definitely a good reminder...one that I needed more than I thought at the beginning of the day. At the end of the service, a member of the congregation shared what God had spoken to him during the service. He said that some of us carry pride in what we are attached to and responsible for. Some of us will not follow God all the way, because we feel we have to be doing other things, taking care of other relationships, fulfilling other certain obligations...which in the natural may seem perfectly fine, but in the light of God's kingdom, they stand in the way of the fullness that God has planned.

I've been chewing on this word all day. I can think of a lot of things that I feel like I should be doing right now. For example, making enough money to pay off college loans, saving for a house, trading in for a newer car, fulfilling my promise to 13 third grade students, preparing more music for ministry, keeping an eye out for "mr. right". All of these require money, time, effort, heart, sweat, tears, me.

Robert sat next to me at a wedding this evening. He was nice. I was feeling a bit awkward. I couldn't sit with my friends and I had showed up alone. Well, Robert wanted to strike up a conversation. Like I said...he was nice. He was genuinely interested in talking about what I did for work, where I went to church, etc. The thing is, at the time, I didn't appreciate Robert. I was annoyed at being left out when the seating had been planned. He was not who I had planned on sitting with. He was not the guy I wanted to plan my evening around. But there he was, trying his best to make me feel a welcome guest in his row. Robert was humble. And even though, I was aware that this was a humbling situation and I needed to respond accordingly, I was not, in my heart of hearts, at all humble.

I would leave my job if I knew it was okay with God. I would walk away. It has been the sandpaper on my walls these past couple of years. I LOVE these children. I want good for them. But I don't want to be there. Who will take care of them then? Who will make a difference in their lives? Who will pray for them? These are the questions that shame me into retracting my statements of wanting to move on. These are the questions that keep me plugging away, hoping that somehow God will bring a new open door.

I am afraid that I have complained one too many times. I am afraid that I have been too tossed back and forth by the waves. I am afraid of what I will look like. I am afraid of losing my reputation for being someone to depend upon. I do not want to hear my father asking me what I plan to do instead. I do not want to face my principal and tell her that I cannot help her anymore. I do not want to look into my students' faces and let them know that I cannot help them anymore...knowing that I am leaving a job undone. I do not want to face God in the silence and not receive an answer. I do not want to hear a direction only to find out later that I was wrong. I do not want to be stuck with a large amount of debt and not know how it will be paid.

All of this...pride.

How do I overcome? How do I finally prove to God...to myself...that I am hungry for only Him? I've been telling God over and over...take over, take all of me, move in on my life and have your way. But what does it mean to walk in humility? What does it feel like when He is in control? What will be required of me? Simple questions, any Christian could probably answer. But seriously, I feel like I am at the beginning...all over again.