52 Years and Counting

There was a substitute teacher across the hall from my classroom today. She had to be at least 70 years old, walked with support braces on her arms, and couldn't read small print. But I could tell that energy and passion for teaching ran through her veins. I spent my planning time reading the lesson plans to her before school this morning, finding materials for her, as well as interpreting the lesson plans that didn't seem to make sense. She informed me that she was "very into discipline" and asked if the normal teacher was laisse faire. I said no, and she said "good". While we were talking at least 2-3 of my students came into the room to interrupt the conversation. She responded with.."That's not my student is it?" "No, he's mine," I replied not even wanting to know what she thought of me then. "Good," she said, right within the student's earshot as I ushered him back out of the room.

Mrs. N., I will call her, informed me that she had been teaching for 52 years...52...and she also informed me that she knew what she was doing. At then end of the day she told me that I could call on her anytime to sub for my classroom if need be. I didn't tell Mrs. N. that I am probably more laisse faire than she would appreciate. She did know the power of complimenting however. She thanked me for my help quite a few times. And even more than that, she told me as well as another teacher that we had beautiful teeth.

52 years? I am only finishing year 3. Last night I was at a Bible study where we practice hearing the voice of God. A woman shared with me that while she was praying she heard me saying "I want to teach. I want to teach." I have thought about that word all day, considering what it might mean. Because for so long I have said, "I don't want to teach. I don't want to teach." Could it be that I have been struggling in vain? Could it be that my calling is right here in my hands and I am turning against it? Could it be that my hidden doubts and fears are bringing dissention and disorder to our daily classroom routines?

Maybe I need to embrace what is here in my hands. Maybe I need to love what God has given me. Maybe, that voice deep inside of me...the one that cries out to be heard in the midst of my doubting, is the voice that will cause me to rise up and bring the light of Christ to my students and my colleagues in a very real way. What if I chose to agree with this adversary I have so long opposed? What if I came to an understanding and submitted to the hand of God? What if this has been my problem all along? What if I have been neglecting my calling?

Another question. If teaching is my calling, then what should I teach? Reading and writing? Or is there something more? Jesus, help me to become the teacher that you would be to these children. I fall so short, my patience has been lacking, my demands have been many, my fear has been strong. Help me to rise above and to serve these children. Help me to wash their feet, to lead them to you. It is your kindness that leads to repentance...and I can't help but think that it is your kindness that will change the face of my classroom. I don't know how...show me how. Create a love in me for this ministry and calling. Amen.