Someday

I was talking with my friend Hannah over the weekend. We were catching up after not seeing each other for about 3 years. We were on the subject of prospective guys and she commented on a picture she had recently seen on my webpage asking, "What about him?" I laughed. Even though we weren't ever really the best of friends, even though she knew nothing of the past few years of my life, she had somehow pinpointed the exact same person I had thought about in my mind..."What about him?" It was so random, and yet so exactly on the mark.

Hannah's question came just days after I had given up hope, after I had settled in on the reality of the circumstances. I had come to the conclusion that neither time, nor distance, nor state of heart was going to work in my favor as far as this relationship was concerned. I told her about the impending circumstances. I told her details and important events about the relationship. I told her how tears would come to my eyes in conversations with him and how I wished so much for the chance to know how he felt, to know if we would work.

So Hannah asked me another question, "Can't you just ask him...'Why not us?'" It was the same question my mom had asked a couple of months ago. It was the same question another friend, years ago in another time and place, had pushed me to ask my best (guy) friend before he married some girl none of us really knew. I never asked him. And since his wedding day, I have not seen or heard from him. I mourned the loss of him in my life for quite some time. Every Christmas I send my Christmas letter to their address, but to no avail. I still think I did the right thing by letting him go. I did. My life has seen better days and farther places since that season eight or nine years ago.

But back to present situation. I don't feel like I am allowed to ask that question..."Why not us?" Because if I do, am I not infringing on someone else's heart? Am I not infringing on a friendship already comfortable and predictable? I would rather push my feelings aside and see this other person enjoy what they really want out of life. I can't stand the thought of making them feel guilty for not considering me. I can't stand the thought of losing them because of awkward hopes and dreams. I would rather wait for them to come around. I would rather wait for them to know that I am who they want. That I am who they dreamed of for their whole life. I never want to be their second place. I never want to think that I somehow had to talk them into some kind of agreement.

So, no, I probably will not ask the question stated above. I will think it in my heart. I will pray and ask God to answer. I will hold on to hope. And someday, if I am right, I will hear the question asked of me and be able to echo it back. Someday it will be right. I will bring light to someone's eyes and joy to their heart. Someday.