What If?

Last year we had an outside organization come in to teach our class about embryology. They set us up with the whole project. In the midst of the first lesson the teacher told the children that he did not accept "what if" questions. He thought them a waste of time. In his eyes, too much time and energy was spent on imagination, rather than learning the bare bones and facts about chicks and how they hatch. And at the time I thought, "how clever", he found a way to take all the rabbit trails out of the lesson.

Well, about two weeks ago an author came to the school and broke this theory into a million little pieces. I asked her where she found her inspiration to write. I asked because so many of my own students get writer's block. I wanted them to hear how to come up with ideas. Right away, she shared that she plays the "what if" game. She put value on that statement...saying that it was the most powerful question we could ask. If we could ask "what if", anything was and is possible.

Well, there is a scripture that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask, think, imagine.

So, I have discarded the first lesson in "what if" and I have graduated to a new level. "What if" has become my new favorite question.

Which leads me to the next point...it's time to start asking the "what if" questions.

What if ....

What if there was a reason to smile again?

What if there was a reason to hope for more?

What if there really is more to the story?

What if God really loves you?

What if you could be healed of cancer?

What if AIDS was curable?

What if someone could be raised from the dead?

What if you could be free from your addiction?

What if you didn't have to face the torment in your mind any longer?

What if the organ you needed showed up in your body without an operation?

What if your debts were forgiven?

What if you could find peace?

What if your family came back together?

What if you found a purpose?

What if you found a reason for living?

What if your prayers were answered?

Even just in this past month, these things are happening. And the list is longer than just this. A boy was dead for 15 minutes after an accident, was prayed over and came back to life without any brain damage. Another person was dead in a morgue, was prayed over by their family, and came back to life. It's happening around the world. It's happening in our country. Cancer is disappearing. Addictions are leaving. Mental distress is lifting. Families are coming together. Hope is being restored. Hearts are turning to God.

We've had enough of religion. We've had enough of empty promises. We've had enough of being peddled for money. We've had enough of the haughty eyes of those who look down on the less fortunate souls who have not darkened the doorwarys of a church building. Enough.

But there is another church rising up. A hungry church, a desperate church. A church who is crying out for a God of power. A God who reaches out and touches His people. A God who answers prayer. A God who embraces. A God who paid the price so that His children did not have to.

What if you are hungry?

What if you are desparate?

What if what you have reached for was not quite satisfying enough?

What if there is more?

What if God touched your life?

What if you asked Him to?

And what if He does?

Something new is in the air. Something we may have only heard about in stories in other countries, times, and peoples. It's about to become real in our own lives. It's about to visit our homes and our families. He is coming. God is ready to visit us again. And not just to give us whatever we desire...not just to make our lives less complicated...but just to tell us that He loves us...just to win over our hearts...to draw us close and tell us that He is not angry, or distant, or disinterested.

If we would only turn to Him...pour out our hearts to Him...tell Him that we need Him. If only we would ask Him to come. If only we would run in His direction. He would run to us. He would wrap us in His arms. He would move mountains and change our lives.

It's happening...it may not look the way you think it would...but it is....check out these articles and websites and see for yourself...people from all over the world are flocking to Florida...and this is only the beginning:

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Press Through

There is nothing like coming to the end of a long day or long week for that matter and knowing the joy of pressing through. This phrase just keeps running through my head, "press through". I don't feel any kind of permission to back down at this point or run away or shrink back as if I didn't know any better. I have to love anyways. I have to try anyways. I have to find a way. I have to keep going. I have to wake up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and get to the other side of the day.

In comparison, my week is nothing compared to that of some of my own children. I wish I could just write out all the stories I hear throughout the day. But the inner struggle is the same in a lot of ways. How do go further when you feel like you've done all you can do? How do you move on when you just want to cling to what you see? How do you find hope when all you've known are disappointments? How do you find life in the face of death? How do you pull ideas and visions from a place where there was nothing to begin with? All questions I have been asking.

And this is what I am learning:

I am not entitled to be treated well by anyone, but I am called to love despite what another's choice may be. Just because I love someone, does not mean they will love me in return. And I am not just speaking romantically. I am speaking on behalf of treating others around with kindness, respect and dignity.

Seasons change. What I see now may not be what I see later. But the truth is that God has a plan...a perfect plan...one that brings me a hope and a future. And I have to trust that simple truth. I have to trust despite the fact that my circumstances speak otherwise, despite the fact that my emotions want to dictate where I place my heart.

Just because I don't know the answer does not mean that I am not accountable to finding it. There are gifts and dreams inside of us that we will never realize...unless we take the risk...unless we push ourselves towards more...and hold ourselves accountable to staying there and seeing it through, even when the work is challenging and takes extra research and effort. Even when we have to start at square one. Even when we have to go a new way...all by ourselves.

God has ideas we never even dreamed of. What would happen if we just let go and trusted Him to bring it to pass? What would happen if we just enjoyed our seasons and did what He put in our hands to do...without complaining, without becoming offended, without being afraid?

I have known these things that I write about tonight, but I can tell the lessons are going even deeper. They are almost unspoken lessons...lessons you have to learn by heart, by going through...lessons that speak hope in the midst of adverse circumstances...lessons that show me the faithfulness of God.

Just when we think we'll never make it through, just when we think we need to step back and retreat, the promise is waiting...press through...press through. This is where the song springs forth...this is where the breakthrough takes place...this is where we learn to truly live.

Somewhere Out There

He's always been out there (as Fievel so eloquently puts it). Untangible and yet so real. At the end of a breakup...in the midst of a disappointments, and politics and world events...in the words of a friend...in the faces of strangers at airports and foreign countries...in dreams for the future...right in the depths of my heart as I walk through life.

And I just want to see his face. I just want to know that he really is real. I just want to know that in his eyes I am worthy of all the love in the world.

I have heard so many promises about him. I have heard plenty of advice. There have been quite a few times when I have put my dream of him behind another man's face...only to find it an illusion and utter disappointment.

Please don't write to me and tell me the grass is greener on the other side. Please don't tell me that it's just not the right time yet. Please don't tell me that God has the perfect man in mind for me. Please forget about the fact tonight that a man will not fulfill all my needs. I KNOW.

I just want him to come. I just him to wrap me up in a hug and tell me he's waited all his life to look into my eyes. And that's it.

Because I am tired of hoping and not seeing that hope fulfilled. I am tired of not being good enough, or worthy enough...or just the right size and shape. I am tired of being overlooked and never knowing the reason. I am quite done with all of it.

There are moments when I just want to be loved without anything asked in return. There comes a time when it seems so out of place to put up boundaries and walls and pretend that it's fun to be independent. There comes a time when you just want someone to notice, to listen, to go out of their way....to break through the walls and the windows and the doors and just simply say, "I love you."

I walked through St. Pete last weekend reading words chalked on the sidewalk, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those are the words that run through my mind now. I don't know how to love someone I can't see. I don't know how to love those I do see when they don't see me. I don't know a lot of things. This is the most honest post I have written in awhile. I know it's honest when there are tears between the words.

I know I am loved and that I am important to a lot of people. I feel the same way about many others. I know I am not alone. There just comes a time when you want to walk with someone tangibly....reach out and know someone is reaching back.

I have only held pieces of great love. I have heard about it and seen it in others. But the dream of it is so alive in my heart. And wherever he is...I hope he has eyes to see...I am tired of jumping up and down, running back and forth. Like I said yesterday, I am ready to let go...whether that means singleness the rest of my life or not. I have held out in this game of tag, only to find that it one-sided, with no one to come and unfreeze me from this position.

For the past two days my heart has burned at the words of a friend. And I cannot say a word in my defense. I wish I could...I wish I could just let it all out. But I realize that to ask someone to love you, to run after you could not be taken in the end as great and true love. If they do not love you in the first place, how can you plead with them to change their mind? If I did this very thing, I would wonder all my life if there was not something greater to be had all along. I have chosen silence over solace...in hopes that what I wait for really and truly will come to pass...it's the waiting that feeds the hope...because without waiting, how could one hope?...and without hope, how could one wait?

Ain't No Fool

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

~Jim Elliot

Waiting is the hardest part. Waiting without saying a word. Without telling someone else exactly what you are waiting for. But hoping nonetheless that your request has been heard, that the answer is not far from showing its face.

Tonight, I am waiting. Tonight, I am quiet and holding out hope that the answers will become clearer...if I just trust, if I just let it go, if I just allow God to fashion my heart to be able to receive such a gift.

It will not happen in my own strength. I have already seen the measure of my own effort and it does not amount to very much. I end up strangling hope as I cling to a fear that what I have worked so hard for, thought so long about, made plans for, dreamed a thousand times over could all just disappear, leaving me alone and back at square one.

No, it will have to be Him. It will have to be His way. Yes, I will take the steps. But I have to hear His voice. I have to know His heart. I have to see it His way. Otherwise, I will be utterly disappointed. Otherwise, I will completely misunderstand. Because whether it comes to pass or not, dwelling in His love should be and is enough.

I want to dwell in the land of "because He is...I am, I have, I will". Without Him, I might as well be content to live in the places of "I wish" or "if only"...striving for things that are just out of reach, as if I could never have them in the first place. But I know better. I know there is more with Him, than without Him. His burden is easy. His yoke it light. There is no other way.

Tonight, I am letting go.

Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God. And it is in giving them up, that you will truly have your desires fulfilled. God is not a spoilsport. He doesn't want you to give up your dream, and have it replaced by something lousy. God wants you to give up your puny little dream, and look up, and see his dream for your life. His dream for your life is the most exciting, most fulfilling, most exciting thing you will ever do. That's because God's dream for your life perfectly matches exactly who you are. God wants your best. He wants the best from you, and He wants to give the best to you.
Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God.
And without faith it is impossible to please God.

~Graeme Codrington "He Is No Fool"

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On Keeping a Promise

My friend Kate recently told me about her grandparents who met in England during World War II. Her Grandpa was an American soldier, her grandmother a girl who lived in Great Britain. They fell in love, got married and planned for her to meet him 6 months later in America. There were no phone calls during those 6 months, no letters, no visits. She had to leave behind everything she knew, leave her family. And yet, she went because she trusted that he would meet her on the other side...that he would take care of her, love her for the rest of her life. And decades later, up until the time his body would no longer allow him to do so, he would still bring her tea in bed every morning. He took care of her. Kept his promise.

This story seems so foreign to me...so romantic...so...well, just as I always wished it would be. But it's hard for me to think it could happen in my own life. I change my mind like the wind. One day I feel a certain way and the next I am the opposite. And I know I'm not the only one.

A man I once loved promised to never leave...but he did, and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. My dad promised me a doll house, but it just never happened. He's an awesome dad, loves me so much, has gone out of his way for me hundreds of times...he just didn't find the time to build the dollhouse I wanted as a little girl. I don't hold that against him. I look around me and I see others who have hoped for more and have not found it. I look at today's politics, the divorce rate, the failures of high profile religious figures, the highly publicized broken relationships of Hollywood, the thousands of children in foster care, crowded jail cells, not to mention the modern art and craft of marketing and making a sale. People's words hold less and less value in this day and age. And truthfully, I think I have just learned to adapt. I have learned how to live without someone keeping their word...to act satisfied in spite of disappointment...to act as if I didn't really need the promise yet anyways. The promise just keeps moving one step ahead of me...leading me in it's direction, causing me to walk carefully, but never making good on what I hoped it would be. And I have wondered over and over...Will I really see it come to pass? I have so often lived in the fear of carrying false hope.

That's where I was in the car this morning. I realized that I don't believe God loves me as much as He says He does. I realized how afraid I have been that He is ready to put me out of the house. I have been afraid that I am not enough in His eyes. I have felt as if I have not been trying hard enough, working long enough, setting my heart in the right place, longing for the right things, loving the way I should be. The list goes on and on about how much I have messed up. Sure, He loves others unconditionally. But for me, it seems so much more has been required...for me somehow, I am not allowed to mess up. Because if I do mess up, then surely I would be a disappointment to Him. I would miss out on all that He has for me. I would miss out on what He has promised for my life.

I think I have reacted this way to people too. So often I have been afraid that one wrong move would mean a broken relationship or some kind of rejection.

And, in addition, if I change my mind so often, surely others do too. Surely their opinion one day might not be their opinion the next. And, therefore, how can I trust what they said to me the day before?

But God is not a man that He should lie. God's promises are yes and amen. God is working all things together for our good. God is patient with us. God is going to complete the good work that He has begun in us. God knows the plans He has for us...plans to give us a hope and a future. God wrote a book about each of our lives...He loved us before we ever knew about Him.

And Romans 5 talks about the very fact that we are unable to ever be good enough to earn the love of God. God knew this. God's plan all along was to redeem us from our own depravity. So He sent Jesus to die in our place. Because of Jesus, we never have to feel unworthy or unable to meet His expectations. He loves us...period. He is working on our behalf...period.

In the Bible, Abraham waited 20 years for God's promise of a son. The Israelites wandered the desert for 40 years before they saw their promised land. Joseph received a promise from God when he was a teenager that did not come to pass until he was 30. David was anointed as king at a young age but he did not get to the throne until he was about 30 either. They walked through testing and trials along the way. There were days when they did not think they would make it...days when they questioned whether they heard correctly from the Lord...days when they probably questioned whether they had missed what God said all together. But God followed through. The promises did come to pass. Those days of waiting didn't mean that God didn't love them, or that He was waiting for them to get it together and make it happen for themselves. God had a plan. He had a plan that would cause their hearts to turn to Him, to be prepared...so that when the perfect time came, He could open the door and they would be ready and able to walk in the promise.

I am 28 years old and I am only now just realizing that God doesn't change His mind. When He says something, He means it. When He makes a promise, He will follow through. When He says He loves me, that will never change. When He says He will never leave me, He won't. When He says He is going to bless my life, He will. I don't have to worry about messing up. He'll take care of it. I don't have to worry about making a wrong move. He's working all things together for my good. He doesn't change His mind about me.

I'll probably keep coming back to read this blog post. I'll probably write more about it too. It is time to change my mind about a few things. It is time to stop being afraid of God's disappointment and punishment...time to start trusting in His great love for me. Maybe then, I'll be at rest a little more. Maybe then, I'll be able to run more freely in this great grace He has given to all of us. Maybe, I'll become someone who follows through and keeps my word. Maybe, I'll find others who want to do the same.

So, what do you think?

With God on our side like this, how can we lose?

If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us?

And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:

They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.
---Romans 8:31-39---The Message

Day 5 - Going To Stay

If you're reading this mom, please know that I'd like to be sitting with you and dad tonight eating scrambled eggs and grits. It sounds very comforting. If you're anyone else reading this, please know that I'd also like to be putting together new furniture and painting walls and just hanging out for no reason at all. I'm looking forward to hugging my kids on Monday. I can't wait to get back into the quiet little studio on Edgewood. I want to finish what I started there.

We drove all over Nashville today looking for a new place to live. I love going inside new homes and looking at floorplans and interior designs. The three of us made a good team, picking up where each left off. I know we'll make it here together when the time comes. At the end of the day, we still don't have a place yet, but I'm not too worried.

I feel like I'm in a whole new world. The people are different, the atmosphere is different...I am different. I didn't realize that middle Tennessee would be a culture shock...and it probably wouldn't seem so much if I was just a tourist coming through. It's just the knowing that I'll be here in 8 weeks and this will be home feeling that keeps me from running through the streets as if they'll never see me again.

I think I'd like to buy a good camera when I get here. I want to start taking pictures. I'd also like to start taking more walks, there's a lot to see. I'd like to buy a new hat or two. I don't know if I want to teach. I want to see what happens if I do something different. I want to write more. Maybe I'll start my book soon. I am realizing that even though I have been blessed with many relationships and friends, there's a difference between the ones who stay and the ones who go. For this reason, I wish I could stay. But I know I can't...because if I did, I wouldn't be the same girl...I have no choice but to choose what God has put in my heart to do.

And that's what all of this boils down to. I have to step out of the boat now. I have to walk towards the voice that speaks to the depths of my heart. I have to trust that this voice will lead me to my heart's desire. I am going, to stay on the path that has been set before me.

Day 4 - What to Do With Freedom

We stood on Trevecca's campus looking at the lighted skyline of the city. "Am I allowed to say that I have come here to be a songwriter?", I asked Kim. Every time she had been asked about her reasons for being here, her response has been that she is following her dreams. But I have been afraid of sounding starry eyed. I have been afraid of sounding presumptious. I have been afraid that someone would look at me as if I didn't have a right to enter this music city.

Can I really come here to be a songwriter? Can I really come here and take the time to develop the art that continues to grow inside of my heart? Can I afford to leave practicality for awhile? Can I afford to let go of the my identity as a teacher? Can I really step out of the boat and pursue something outside of my box? I have longed for a day when I would have the choice to do anything, be anything, pursue anything. And now the day is here, and I don't know what to do with freedom.

"Kim," I said, "we are free." And we are...we don't have time limits or dependents. We have dreams and talents, and just enough faith and curiosity to see where these things will take us. I have had just enough life experience to not be afraid of maps and new places, unknown circumstances and unmet needs. But not enough I suppose to really know how to live when presented with the gift of a fresh new start. So my prayer now is, God show me what to do at the beginning, show me what you have put in my heart to do, give me the faith to pursue what I have not known how to pursue before, and stay close to me, provide for me, keep me from holding on to anything less than freedom.

Day 3 - Where the Heart Is

We woke to sound of housekeeping knocking on our door, mumbling something of a surprise that we had gotten here "early". The truth is that we were on time but had slept in the wrong rooms the night before. It all got straightened out...well, that is, until tonight when we got home and found ourselves locked out of our room...but all is well now...

We spent the first hour of the morning looking for breakfast...by the time we decided where to go it was lunchtime as well, so we opted for something in between.

We descended upon the town of Franklin, about 20 minutes from downtown. The busy storefronts with cafe's, businesses, and vintage shops very much reminded me of the small towns of NY...only with a southern flare and a busier thoroughfare. Franklin is the town many of Nashville's big names call home. I swear I saw Carrie Underwood walking down the street, but Kim, after being at a recent concert, disagrees with my opinion. For the big names it holds, however, the town is quaint and friendly and very peaceful. We found the cafe' we were looking for and settled in on something to eat.

Halfway through our meal, two lawyers joined the end of our six person table. They were so friendly that within about 15 minutes, we had houses to look at, a contact to speak to at the board of education, a business card, and the name of a realtor....not to mention we got to hear a few great stories and had some good laughs. We spent the rest of the day following their leads.

Then tonight, we met up with Ruby who only moved here two months ago. She spoke of her experiences thus far and I'd have to say that the two things I carry from the conversation were these: that Nasvhille is a place of nurturing and also not to be afraid to be who we are even among so many great musicians.

I needed to hear her say these two things. I needed to hear someone tell me, "Who cares how good they are? You do what is in your heart to do...and do it well." I needed to know that this was a place where I would be able to grow and not shrink from what is in my heart to do.

Thus far, I have been pretty unemotional on the trip. In fact, I have felt more serious than excited. I am listening to my friends go through what they are experiencing. I am soaking in these surroundings, slightly familiar and yet so unknown. I am taking in information, trying to sort through plans and leads. I am reading maps and looking at street signs. I am waiting, wondering, and hoping for divine appointments. In the midst of all of this, I am missing my dear friends in Jacksonville already. I can't wait to get back to their comfort and yet I know that soon, I will not have the hope of returning to them. It makes me sad.

I listened to Kim all the way back to the city tonight, after leaving Ruby. I listened to her speak the same concerns and desires I felt in my own heart. I listened and felt only a knowing. A knowing, yet an inability to do a thing to make it all better or clearer at the moment. A knowing, but not an emotion...and I wondered where my heart was at in all of this. Was it here yet? Was it hiding? Where will my place be in the midst of Nashville?

And then I saw the skyline of this blessed city. Nashville, pegged as "the city of broken dreams", but I am calling it the city of dreams fulfilled. My dreams were broken and mended before I ever arrived here and I am sure they will be tested and tried and deepened in the days to come. I only know this...that a dream is coming to pass as I arrive in this place...a dream I never thought would be fulfilled.

We took a wrong turn and ended up on the strip...we rolled down the windows and I could hear the dreams come alive. Doorways were crowded with onlookers paying to hear the bands inside. In every direction a different song was being lifted up and yet it sounded like a heavenly blend of merriment and life. People walking through the lights and darkness, cars pulling in and out of spaces, music everywhere. And I wanted to be in the midst of it all. I wanted to open up my car door and step out to hear the dreams of this place. I wanted to hear the stories of the people who had come, people who were making journeys just like me. That is when my eyes lit up with tears and something inside of me leaped up and said "yes". Tonight, I wanted to be where the people were, sharing my story and hearing theirs. I wanted to hear the songs that called out for others to come in. I wanted to write and sing the songs that will one day do the same.

Tomorrow we will see more. Tomorrow night I will walk down this street of dreams for the first time. God show me the way.

Day 2 - The Open Road

We were actually ready by 9am, our projected time of departure. Kim made us french toast for breakfast, we packed up the car, and prayed over our day before heading out. Kansas City's skies were overcast and gray and the air was cold. But the further south we headed the more we were surrounded by green, rolling hills, random trees overflowing with white blossoms, and surprising spreads of purple blossoms on trees and fields. We spent the day listening to Colbie Caliet, Celine Dion, Monster Hits, Worship albums, Snow Patrol and everything else in between. We talked about the usual...getting over boys, the amazing events that had led up to this road trip, our families and friends. We did lose track of a credit card for awhile. We did have to turn around once. There was a major detour through St. Louis. But all in all, it was a beautiful day.

Fast forward to the last leg of the trip. We finally made it to Tennessee....and better yet...all the way into Nashville. I mean, I have been to Nashville...but this time, I have to remind myself...oh yeah, this is your future home. I have felt the hand of providence all day...from the details of the dream Kim had about this very trip six months before we ever even thought about coming, to the 333 on our final destination address (a number which bears a lot of significance in my family), to the billboard signs all along the way, to the signs of spring after a long drive through winter...I just know the Lord's hand has been leading us here...leading me here.

The road we came in on was I-24...it's motto is..."A symbol of freedom". And that is exactly how I have been feeling for the past couple of days. I feel like we are so blessed to be walking in this freedom. We are going to be able to live in the city we have only dreamed and talked about. We are going to be able to find ourselves and find the Lord in the place where He has beckoned our hearts to come. I am going to have the time to write again. We are free to be in this place...free to start fresh and new. What a gift...this freedom.

Day One

Two seconds into "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" I could see myself driving away in my overpacked car, windows down, narrator speaking in the background of what lay behind and what lay ahead...kind of like Cameron Diaz in The Holiday. I could finally see it. The thing I had longed for, and lost track of, and gained back, and wished would take it's time. I could see the point of letting go, once again facing the open road, and starting a new chapter. The song continued to play and I realized that I was in the middle of close friends, celebrating a wedding. I tucked the picture into the back of my mind and tuned in to the vows being shared.

I have to admit that I have absolutly no plan. Today, Kim and I joked around that to satisfy our needs to be planners we are planning to have no plan...ha...if that makes any sense. That girl spurs me on. She speaks the vision back to me when I forget what the Lord has spoken. She speaks to the heart of the music that I still do not feel grown up or trained enough to pursue.

This is day one. Already I am different and so desperately wanting to see God's hand in all of this. I do see God's hand. I do. But I want to be wholehearted. I want to stand in a place where I am not moved. I want to trust God and see Him follow through. I want to see His provision. I don't want to do this in my own strength. I can't.

This is true freedom...I am on a journey towards finding what God has put in my heart. How many people get to do this? I can't really say. But I am thankful.

The airplane lifted off today, as well as the plans that await us. Day one...one step at a time, we are on our way.

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Questions and Answers

So many thoughts running through my head tonight. Questions that keep me up later than I would like them to. Questions about the future. Questions about my heart. Questions about the world and the state of its affairs.

I had a dream the other night unlike any I have ever had. A voice spoke to me throughout the dream telling me about events in my life and at the end the voice told me over and over again to pray...it was so loud, so strong, so audible that it woke me up and even as I opened my eyes I could hear the command to pray. I'm not sure even now about what to pray or how to pray. I'm not sure if my prayers have been the prayers that God wants to hear.

But I do know this...that I am desperate for an answer. I am desperate to hear the voice of God in my life. My life has been going along pretty smoothly without much turmoil...and then recently...I have had so many reasons to get out of my comfort zone. I have been berated by an angry stranger, misunderstood by friends and school administration. And it is not me to be confrontational...not me at all. But I am learning something. God wants what is real to be coming out of me. No more compromise. No more hiding behind the comfort of nonconfrontation. There is a strengthening taking place. There is a humbling side to all of the confrontation. I am learning who I am in Him. I am learning what to believe in the midst of adverse circumstances. I am learning how to pray, in the midst of all my tears.

We are all in need of redemption. We are all in need of deliverance. We are all in need of God. I don't know how we go for so long without Him...without thought or regard to the fact that He loves us and is wanting to work in and through our lives. How does the every day coming and going become more important than the hunger deep inside of us, to know what is real, what is true, to know the voice that calls to us in the busiest moments of the day? Why are we trying to survive? Why are we saving up, settling down, building our lives...if one day, not too long from now...it will all disappear? Why are we here? To make the best of our circumstances?...to soak up as much of this life on earth as we can?...to wander aimlessly wishing away the death and sickness that rages through our nations? What if there is more? What if life does not stop here? What if we go on? And if we do go on, then where will we go and what will we do? And if what we see now is not all there is...then what is really important? What should we be living for? Who should we be living for?

If you knew your life had purpose, where would you go? What would you do? If you knew that God thought about you, what would you think about Him? If you knew there was more to life than you see now, would you search it out and find it? We all must answer these questions. Even those of us who have grown up in church. Even those of us who feel like we've got it all together. Not one of us will be exempt when we come to the end of our lives. We will each have an answer. Did we find the truth about our lives or did we not? Did we believe or did we not? Did we live as if we believed or did we not? Our answers will be plain and clear. Our answers will stand out in a crowd, just as they do now. Our lives speak of what we know. Our lives speak of what we believe. Our lives will speak into eternity of what we chose to do with what we believed.

I believe that God loves me, gave up His life for me, so that I could be with Him. It is my prayer every day, that I would be able to live within this great love...loving Him in return and sharing His love with those who come across my path. And even in the midst of the daily chaos, even in the midst of all of my questions, I hope my answer will be that I trusted Him, that I did not lean on my own understanding, and that when the answer came I followed Him with all of my heart. I never want to look back and wish that I had been afraid to say what was truly in my heart to say or to live as I was truly meant to live. God, save us all from that very thing.

It Won't Be Long...

Won't be long and I will wake up to the sounds of a new city.
Won't be long and I will miss what I see now.
This time I will have a friend on every side.
This time I will not go alone...in this I find both comfort and confirmation.
It won't be long until I will know the answers to some questions.
It won't be long until I see what I have only wondered about.
This journey, so full of mystery
So full of give and take, holding on and letting go
Pressing forward and moving on
I can't help but pray that in these final moments
These last days of face to face encounters,
these last days of working it out and hoping for more
these unexpected and surprising windows opening over landscapes of joy and destiny
I can't help but pray that I will be able to embrace what's coming
That I will know what to say right now
That I will have peace for the days to come
That I will know when to say yes and when to back down
That I will know the voice of God leading to the place where I have longed to be.
I can't help but pray that the ones I have loved in this season will find their place as well. I want to see it through with them. I want them to know the love I have found. Most of all, I want our paths to cross again...I think that is my biggest prayer...that the ones I say goodbye to will be the ones I meet again when we have all found our place and purpose in Him.
It won't be long and everything will change.
It won't be long and a new day will dawn before our very eyes.

Reflection

Classic Reflections on Easter

He died, but he vanquished death; in himself, he put an end to what we feared; he took it upon himself, and he vanquished it; as a mighty hunter, he captured and slew the lion. Where is death? Seek it in Christ, for it exists no longer; but it did exist, and now it is dead. O life, O death of death! Be of good heart; it will die in us also. What has taken place in our head will take place in his members; death will die in us also.

— Augustine of Hippo (354-430), from Sermon 233

I Sure Would Like to Know...

I spent the weekend mostly in the comfort of my apartment...sleeping in, taking naps...playing my guitar...emailing...washing sheets and towels...yeah, that's about it. There are times to be running all over the city, chasing friends, chasing excitement...and there are times to be still and quiet. This weekend was definitely meant for stillness and quietness.

Saturday night I did escape for sushi, Stewart's cream soda from Publix, and a movie from Blockbuster. The sushi and cream soda were well worth the trip out...the movie...well, let's just say I should have stuck with a classic from my own bookshelf. This morning, I skipped going to church...skipped doing lesson plans...skipped songwriting. I slept in, cleaned my room, bought spring break plane tickets, talked on the phone with my future roomates, spent some time with my parents watching Sunday night television.

I felt slightly guilty about not going outside to enjoy the amazingly beautiful day. I felt slightly guilty for not spending a good few hours on more lesson planning. I also felt guilty that I had not picked up my guitar for a whole day...or attempted to get into the studio to do some more recording.

But the thing that I most realized after this weekend is the fact that even though my body stayed at home, even though I didn't have a list of events and errands planned, my mind was still running...unable to stop and listen...unable to enjoy the peace that I caught a slight glimpse of Friday night as a new song emerged from my guitar and onto the pages of my journal. God is with me and yet I am so stubborn and afraid to sit and listen to what He would have to say. Why is that? I sure would like to know.

Famous Dreams

I keep having dreams about famous people. Billy and Franklin Graham have been in my dreams more than once. I have also met two big name musicians and have asked them about songwriting and performing. In all the dreams I am searching and asking questions that they seem to have answers to. The only one that asked me questions was Donald Trump, he wanted me to go into business with him. Interesting...

Sunday Night at the Coffee House....

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Seeking the Kingdom

I asked a good friend of mine one night as we sat together on a Riverside park bench what he was sure of. I don't remember his answer or my exact words for that matter. What I do remember was the feeling that all was changing and there was nothing I could do to stop the time.

It was not the only time I had ever felt powerless against the unknown. And since that moonlit, fall night I have walked through other days much the same.

There are moments recently when I feel so full. It's this extraordinary feeling of completeness...of being in a moment where nothing else is more important...it happened at the Valentine's Day school dance...I watched my students dancing together with one another and there nothing more beautiful. They were free to be themselves, free to express what was in their hearts. It happened in Honduras as I danced with a bunch of girls during a worship service...and later that night as I walked through candlelit rows of young boys and girls interceding for their country. And then there are moments when I am in the midst of writing a song, or sitting with friends, or walking through a beautiful day, or listening to my students share about their hopes and dreams, or reflecting on how far God has brought me to be in this place, moments when I can't think of anything else that would be better.

My hands are open, ready to receive what God has planned for me. And yet I feel like there is nothing I can hold on to. It is much like water...refreshing, cleansing, it changes my life but it runs through my fingers and what I once held is no longer, and really never was, mine to keep.

My heart is both relieved and broken over this realization. I have wanted so badly to belong somewhere. I have wanted so badly to stay. But He moves me on. And I know why. He is the love of my life. I can't remember a day without Him. I can't remember a day when I didn't need Him...long for Him...think about His love. To love Him is to lose sight of every other thing that would stand in the way of His love. To love Him is to run after the things that are important to Him. Yes, I am free to be who I want to be. But I want to be where He is. I want to be doing what He is doing.

If we would only trust that His love was enough. If we would only believe that in letting go, we would gain everything we ever longed for. But it's the holding on, the days of walking in our own thoughts and strength that keep us from seeing the truth.

Tonight, I caught a glimpse of His heart for me. It was in the midst of singing the songs that He had given me to sing. It was in the midst of sharing His love with a roomful of people...and a worldwide audience(!). I didn't have to say a word...I only had to sing what was in my heart...and it was enough. I felt loved and beautiful and at peace. I didn't need to belong anywhere. I belonged with Him. I saw the connections, the divine appointments. I heard whispers of open doors. I heard my heart begin to leap at the thought of new opportunities.

And I didn't have to strive to get here tonight. I only had to trust. I only had to follow my heart. God opened every door and made connections I never would have known how to make.

Back to where I started, I am not sure of a lot things. I have been afraid of the effects of the changes that will come. I have been afraid of letting go. I have been afraid of holding on. I have felt so full, so secure, so safe, so...hopeful...here. And if there is more...I can't even imagine it. I don't know what it looks like. I don't know what to expect. But I'd be a fool to turn back now. I have to know what lies ahead. I have to know if He really has been speaking these promises to my heart. I have to know why there and not here. I have to know what this leading to get up and go again really means. I have so many questions, but amidst the uncertainties, this is one thing I am sure of...I am moving forward and I belong with the Lord.

Matthew 6:33

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Hit and Run

After work tonight I headed out into the rain to get to the studio. I wanted to lay down tracks for 3 more songs. Distracted for a moment by a phone call, I forgot to turn onto the correct street. I hung up the phone and kept driving...trying to figure out how to get back on track. It worked, and I knew I'd get there with plenty of time to get things done. I got ready to to make another turn, rolled to a stop, checked the traffic to my left and promptly felt my car make impact with something and bounce backwards. I realized, after a moment, that I had rolled into the truck in front of me...it was obviously my mistake...and not one that I have ever made before.

The guy in front of me got out of his truck with his arms stretched wide, looking just as shocked as I was about the whole thing. I apologized, ready to face the consequences of my mistake. I was met by hateful words, a whirlwhind of anger...not one ounce of compassion...not any kind of logical assessment of the situation. He cursed me out and all I felt was sorry for him...sorry that I had interrupted his afternoon, sorry that he had no idea what was really important, sorry that he did not know the Lord or His peace. He told me to call the cops, jumped back into his truck, and began to drive forward...I thought to a place where we would be safe to pull out of traffic. So, I called 911 and began to follow him. Except he didn't stop driving. I had the passing thought that I could literally dart into traffic and never see him again. My conscience got the best of me. I kept following...the 911 operator answered...and that's when I realized that I didn't know where I was and I could no longer see the man's truck in the midst of all the traffic.

I didn't cry until that point. I wanted to explain what happened and all the operator wanted was for me to tell him where I was. He became obviously frustrated with me and I with him...I expected him to know the city streets better...he expected me to be standing under exact street signs.

Well, my car was not damaged...aside from a small scratch. And the man who claimed he was injured disappeared into thin air. I was left in the rain waiting for a police officer, and running out of time in the studio.

After the ordeal, and still in between tears, I began to ponder what had happened. If ever there was a time to hear the Lord's voice it is now. I am running after what He has put in my heart to do. I am stepping into a place where He has destined me to be. But there is a very real enemy that doesn't want me in that place. I have been trying to record for two months now...and really, much longer than that. Tonight's hit and run was just another decoration on the cake. It made me see things in a whole different light...all the distractions, the trials, the long tired hours that keep me from doing what is in my heart to do. I need to know what to hold onto. I need to know what to let go of. I need to be close to Him so that when I face days like these my peace does not run out the door. And I know that, ultimately, God is working everything together for my good...I'd just like to rest in this, know my place, stay above the confusion and enjoy every step along the way.

Ode To Valentine's Day

Tomorrow I will wear pink
I will give 16 personal valentines
To 7 boys and 9 girls
And when the school bell rings
There will be a dance, my first elementary school dance.

I'd really love to go on a date tomorrow.
(But what I'd love more is tickets to the Rascal Flatts concert next week.)
I'd really love to be surprised with little notes or flowers.
(But I already have these amazing kids who have been telling me about their "surprise" gifts for about two weeks now....and my parents did give me a box of chocolates today.)

Valentine's Day...
You make me more aware of my great longing
To be caught up in surprise and sentiment
You are only one day
Yet so much of my affirmation has been caught up in your gift
Well, I am here to say
With or without you
Today, I am loved...and so I will be tomorrow and the day after that
I will celebrate love every day of my life
Thank you for the reminder, your point is well taken
Tomorrow, I will begin again.

Undivided

If I kept going at this rate I would pass the mark for a 60 hour work week. And that's just where it begins...I finally started adding it all up in my head. Getting up early, going to bed late...keeping up (or still falling behind) with paper work, making time for friends and family, wishing for more time with worship and song. There are not enough hours in the day according to my schedule. I find myself wanting to retreat to a quiet place, wanting to drop it all and find peace again.

In the midst of all these happenings my world is getting realigned. Priorities are making themselves known. My heart is telling me what is truly important. And the struggle beneath the surface is showing me just how right or wrong I have been all along.

It is not good to be so tired. But it is good to learn what is the good and right path for our lives...and I suppose that is probably what I am learning right now. It takes listening, it takes letting go, it takes being humble enough to back away and say no, it takes courage and discipline. This list is overwhelming me a bit... :) Needless to say, I can't do all of this on my own.

Psalm 86:11 -

Teach me your way, O Lord,

and I will walk in your truth;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

Hold Me Close

Keep my heart so close to yours
Along this journey, so new and fresh
Keep me from letting go of your promise
Keep me from holding on to what would hold me
All I want is you
All I want is to see your face
To see your smile and to hear your laugh
All I want is to be close to you
Keep me from turning away
Ravish my heart
Burn away the things that are not pure and true
Hold me close
Chase after me
Tell me that I am the desire of your heart
Tell me over and over so that I cannot forget
So that a doubt would never cross my mind
I want to be with you
Where you are
Tell me where you will be
And I will follow

Confession of a Teacher

The biggest worry I have as a teacher...is that I have not esteemed my students enough.

Did I encourage so and so today? Did I take the time to listen to what was important to them? Did I reason with them when they needed redirection? Did I allow them to take up their own responsibility?

Or was I too rushed to stop and listen to their questions about the world? Was I too focused to see what was really going on? Did my agenda really line up with their needs?

Do I cause them to want to learn about the world? Do I instill in them a love of research and learning? Do I lift them up and esteem them so that they will have the confidence to continue?

Confessions of a teacher:
Today, it was easier to plough through the lesson than it was to comfort and encourage.
It was easier to silence the confusion rather than speak to the heart of the situation.
It was easier to share my own frustrations rather than empathize and discern how to be patient with their concerns.
It was easier to walk in silence rather than share in a delightful conversation.

I remember being a child and needing affirmation. I am an adult and I need that now. I want to know that I am doing a good job. I want the freedom to be independent and make my own decisions. I want attention and love. If I could just figure out a way to balance this realization and my reaction to their attempts at learning....then maybe we would have more peace.

My own patience basically depleted...I am in need of God's help. These children have been entrusted to me. They are so precious...each and every one. They are with me for just a season...and I know that they are assigned to my classroom for a reason. Lord, show me how to love them...show me how to teach them...show me how to draw out the best in them. I never wanted to be the frustrated teacher. I never wanted to be the one who grew bitter because I did not understand my students.

Tomorrow, I will try again.

The Great Unknown

Every note drives me further than the one before.

Sometimes I cannot imagine that my life would be any different than it is now. I love the people that God has given me. I love the opportunities, the ministries. I am both challenged and stretched in this season. I am encouraged in so many different ways. How could it be different than this?

But then I sit down and I begin to play the songs. I hear the sounds coming from my guitar, my hands, my mouth, my heart. I begin to believe that there really is more....that a new season is just around the corner. Because this gift that God has given me is growing. It is spreading in ways that I never imagined. It creates this atmosphere of expectancy.

And all I can do...is live out this day...with the songs in my heart...singing them out...looking forward to what lies ahead...and take these steps...into the great unknown.

Where He Is

I knew it would happen...the moment that I made the decision. I knew it would come to making the same choice again and again. I knew that I would have to let go. I knew that I would have to start all over again. And yet I chose this road. Not because I knew all the answers. Not because it seemed the prettiest or the best. But only because it was the road that brought pure life to my heart.

Yes, it has seemed almost impossible, the least likely. But I can't let it go. What if I didn't go? Then what? Would I always wonder at the mysteries that awaited me there? Would I ever experience my true heart's desire? Or would I be left to wallow in the fear and uncertainty that kept me here?

It's time again...to pick it all up and follow God. He spoke one word to me years ago...a word that has never left my heart. And even though I can't imagine life any different than it is now. Even though I can't imagine leaving and starting over again. Even though I can't imagine how in the world such an endeavor will be paid for. I have to follow the call. Because when God says go, we must go.

I have friends to hold my hand on either side....to comfort and encourage, the empathize and dream, the cheer on and beckon. I am so blessed to have them in my life. God knew that I needed strength for this journey.

We all have a destiny, and at the right time and place it will begin to unfold. I am seeing the bittersweet journey. I am looking at my children, my parents, my friends....longing to hold them forever, longing to make time stand still, and yet knowing that these moments are only moments passing before my very eyes. Our days are so fleeting and yet they are so full of dreams, love, joy, longing, desire, pain....our days are so wonderful. How do we contain its fullness? The task seems too overwhelming.

My only solution is to keep pressing on. The only way we will ever keep from sinking into our past, into what might have been, into all of our "if onlys" is to move forward. And moving forward tells us that there is more. Moving forward is an act of faith, if you will. Even when we don't feel like letting go...even when our only hope is in our understanding of the circumstances that surround us now...we have to move on. We have to trust that God is bigger than the here and now. We have to trust that His plans really are better than our plans. We have to trust that when we run ahead, He will fix everything that we left behind.

My desires are all up in the air. I want one thing one day and then change my mind the next. But I do know that I heard God say this one thing....and that is the thing I must be faithful to. That is the thing I must run after. Because where God speaks...there He is. And more than anything else in the world....I want to be where He is.

I am listening to "Traveler" tonight. It's a good one. :)

Fighting for Life

I sat up until early morning hours with my roomate deep in conversation. And the question that burned in my mind as we talked also woke up with me this morning as the sun came through my windows.

What am I fighting for?

Life happens. People come across our paths. Opportunities present themselves. Some things are gained and some are lost. But what is important? What should we be running after, holding on to, protecting with all our hearts?

Anything goes in our culture these days. If it makes you happy...do it. If it makes you uncomfortable or angry...drop it and leave it behind. Faithfulness is so easily discarded for comfort. Love so easily mangled by conditions and mismanaged expectations. And for Christians the lines are becoming harder to see. What really is wrong? What really is right? Surely this loving God will love us in our compromise. Sure this loving God would stay with us as we entertain the very things that break His heart. And the thing is...He does still love us.

But here we are...loved by this great God...giving Him lip service at best, showing up in the places that make us look like faithful followers, and yet turning our backs when He asks us for our love in return.

Why ? Why do we insist on loving our culture, loving the toys and enticements, loving the food and the drinks, loving the men and women that come across our paths, loving our homes and our things, loving money, loving, loving, loving....and never knowing what true love really is????

How do we miss it? How do we feel so empty after giving our love to all of these things? How do we feel as if we have given everything only to have nothing in return???

It's because these things, these people, this love...is nothing. Without knowing God we are nothing. Without finding His love it's all meaningless. We will be satisfied for a time and then come up hungry and thirsty again.

When our eyes open for the first time to see God's love, the way it was meant to be....it will be a new day.

No longer will we be struggling to be good enough to enter the doorway of a church. No longer will we be afraid of not being heard as we offer up a prayer. No longer will we compromise what we truly wish for in our hearts because we will know that what we wish for is really possible.

And when we know...that true love is possible...will we run after it? Will we fight for it?

True love as in....the awakening of our hearts, finding peace in the midst of our storm, complete trust when everything else is shaken, complete joy in what we have been given, honesty in our relationships, purity in our motivations towards one another, acceptance despite our flaws, the desire to change in order to draw closer to one another, the embracing of life and adventure.

Will we leave all else behind to find this God who has been waiting to show us what is really true? Will we leave house, family, friends, entertainments...our very lives...to find His life in return?

Because the truth is....when we have lost all that we have, we have gained so much more.

He is calling our hearts. It's the sound we hear as our eyes search across a night on the town.
It's the sound we hear when the house is empty and there's no one else to interrupt our thoughts. It's the wind blowing, the rains falling, the sun parting through the clouds. It's in the eyes of our grandparents. It's in the sound of our children's laughter. That life...that we just can't put our finger on. That life...that makes us want to live better. He is calling our name.

It's not just a religion. It's not just church on Sunday. He is the very life we were meant to be embrace. We have been so blind...trying to love on our own. It will never be enough.

What am I fighting for? I am seeing reasons to leave all compromise behind. There is a God to love, a world to see, a people to embrace. And it will only come through knowing Him.

New Year

Well, it is a new year....which calls for a new post. :)

Tonight, I am getting ready to go back to work....getting ready as in setting the alarm clock, thinking about welcoming my kids back to school, nothing too extensive.

I am still working in the studio. It's been quite a process this time. I am learning about waiting and working hard. I am learning what's really in my heart about all of this. It's good.

I was praying in my car on the way home tonight...telling God what was on my heart. I was thinking about Christmas this year...and how grown up Christmases without kids don't seem to be quite as exciting. I wanted it to be exciting...but somehow the season rushed on and I couldn't quite get ahold of it all. What stuck out to me most was the fact that although I was blessed with thoughtful gifts from my family and friends...it wasn't anything that would have been on my list. But when I thought about it...I hadn't made a list. Which led me to a very important discovery.

I just expect people to know me. I expect them to know what is in my heart and then act towards me in that manner. But have I given them the chance to know me? Have I given them a true picture of who I really am or what is really important to me?

There is a verse in the Bible that says we have not because we ask not. I wonder how many times we go without simply because we have not asked.

In light of all this, I plan on asking a lot more. I just keep hearing God saying..."What is it you really want? What is truly in your heart?" And I think that finally I am about done with saying..."Oh, I don't really need anything. Oh, it's ok, I can do without. or It's not that important....etc, etc."

We come up with so many excuses of why our own hearts are not important enough. There will always be someone who will be in a worse situation. There will always be a compromise or stand in for what we really and truly wished for.

But what if we truly believed that God had a best for us...had someone or something better in mind than we ever imagined? What if we had the courage to ask and then believe that He would really answer?

Someone recently reminded me that God is a good father. A good father would never give a child a stone when they were asking for a good meal. A good father longs to give good gifts to his children. He would want to know what is important to his children...want to fill their children's requests with the very best he could give.

So, this year, my heart is about to open up. I plan on telling God what I really want...what is really important to me. And I plan on trusting Him to answer. I also plan on loving my family and friends the same way. I plan on telling them what is important to me...what I really and truly desire. It will take faith and trust but I am pretty sure it will bring more peace and provision in the coming seasons. I am pretty sure it is what God has wanted all along...honesty and complete trust.

New Year

Break forth o great song
from my lips and from my heart
break forth and tell of the wonders He has done
Let the rivers burst from their riverbanks
Let the rains explode from the clouds
And let all that is within me praise the God I love.

In this season, I am learning the heart of God.
I see my frailties. I see my weaknesses.
I see that I could so easily give up and I have done so.

But He has not given up on me. I feel His fervency in the depths of my soul.
I have waited longer than I have wanted to.
I have come to the end of myself and I see that there is more.
I have sung out my songs only to find that I still need to dig deeper for the spring of energy that would burst forth from the very depths of who I am.

I am waiting and breaking through.
Such a small beginning and yet it seems so grand. I want to hold it in my hands...secure the things I think I see. And yet, those dreams are not safe with me. They are safe with Him. And I must cling to Him, run after His heart, hold fast to what I know to be true. Without Him, all of this would be meaningless.

His plans are greater than my own.
There is more.
And in this new year my prayer is to run with God and to wholeheartedly follow the path He has set before me.

Safety

My brother and his girlfriend decided to clean the house Sunday morning instead of attending church. If you click on this link you will find out what happened that morning.

Colorado Shooting

All I have to say is that I am so thankful for God's protection. Josh and Amber would have been at this place, at this time. It is so hard to understand these happenings. And it is so humbling to see when God orders our steps out of harm's way.

Next Tuesday

Well, it's been two years.
But by the end of next week...hopefully...you will hear some brand new songs...on a brand new recording. Yay!!! :)

Merry Christmas

There is a peace about this season I have yet to find in any other. Flip to any radio station and you will hear songs about the love of God. Look in almost any department store or public venue and you will probably find a nativity scene on display. People are picking out gifts for one another. Families are coming together. And I can't help but think, that no matter what religious tradition is being followed this time of year, at the root of it all, we are celebrating because God loved us…and still does.

In this day and age, it is easy to imagine Jesus as a nice figure in history; a story to be told to our children; a source of peace when facing a difficult challenge. But how did His story make it through these thousands of years? Why are there so many who seem to cling to His existence even now?

Don't you ever wonder if you really need God…because you feel like you're fine on your own? And if you really did feel a need for Him…how in the world would you ever tell Him and actually feel like He heard you? And how in the world could you be good enough for Him anyways? Even after growing up in a Christian home, I still have wondered about these things.

There are always secrets that we hold deep in our hearts. Secrets that we wouldn't tell anyone else because if they knew then how would we ever face them again? Or face ourselves for that matter? We would rather hide and face the torment on our own. We would rather show a better face in order to find acceptance, even if that acceptance was only based on half truths. We hide behind secrets and only become mirror images of ourselves. And these same secrets keep us from ever knowing the love of God.

This is the season when we get to hear about what God really thinks about us. Amidst the trips to Santa's North Pole, the last minute holiday shopping, the baking, the decorating, the singing, the bustling about…stop…and listen. There is a reason for this holiday.

A long time ago, God saw you. And He knew that you would live at this very time and place. He knew the color of your hair, the job position you would have. He knew the condition of your heart. He knew what you are worrying about right now. He knew your stubbornness and your pride. He knew your laughter. He knew who would love and who you would miss. He knew what you wish for, what you pray for as you lay in bed at night. And He knew that you would never ever be able to be good enough to get to Him.

But He loved you anyways. He chose you before you ever even heard His name. And He couldn't stand the thought of losing you. So, He did what any loving father would do if his child were lost…He ran after you.

That's the whole reason Jesus showed up on Earth. God had to send His love in a way that we could understand, in a way that we could relate. He sent His son…to tell us who we really were…to tell us that we were not alone…to tell us how much He loved us. He became one of us. And then, because He knew that we would die without Him…He took our place. He really did. He took the blame for all of the reasons that kept us from Him, all the secrets, lies, sins and darkness…and He died with them…He carried our darkness so that we didn't have to.

But He had a secret too...and that was that His love was stronger than all of those things.

What would happen if we faced the truth? The truth that we are empty, alone, afraid, angry, and confused. What would happen if we realized we didn't have to carry this load anymore? Because we don't.

The wonder of Christmas is that God's love will bring the answers we need, will bring the love we long for, will bring the peace we cry out for.

The wonder of Christmas is that we are not alone. God loves us and He wants us.

There's no more reason to hide. We are accepted despite the way we act, despite what we hold deep down inside, despite our hopes and our fears. There's a verse that says, "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free." It's time for the truth…always has been. Just think of the possibilities. When we are right with God…everything else will fall into place.

All you have to do is speak into the silence. All you have to do is ask and believe that He will answer. He will and your life will never be the same.

Merry Christmas.

Small Town Streets

Tonight...all I want to do is bundle up in a warm coat and scarf, maybe even with mittens and a hat, and walk down a quiet, small town street, listening to the sound of snow falling, breathing in the crisp, cold air, enjoying how cold my face feels as I walk through the night.

One day, it will all make sense....

After my treatment today, I pondered the words of my technician.
In the midst of the pain she had said, "Well, I always say that I can stand the pain as long as I know that in the end it will be something that makes me feel better about myself". And let me tell you, the treatment was PAINful. But hours later I don't remember the pain as much. I mean, I remember...it's just that the benefits begin to far outweigh those moments of great discomfort. And every couple of months, I know that I will subject myself to this pain yet again. But there is an end goal....there is something I want more than the pain itself...and so I must be willing to walk through the process.

All this to say, there are other discomforts....other processes to walk through....painful at times. And tonight I reminding myself that there is an end in sight....there is a reason for the pain and there is an better outcome directly connected to the end of it.

Depth comes through waiting and walking through.
Without waiting I don't think we'd ever become who we were meant to be.
We become more real.
More relatable.
More able to reach out and connect to others who have been waiting too.

Well, this is about all I can muster at the moment...other than to say...that God is good and He hears the cries of our hearts. I look forward to seeing His answers in the days to come.

Helped

I called him during my lunch hour on Wednesday as my car began to shudder and shake. I had left the school to buy cookies for the teacher meeting that afternoon. Most likely, I could have figured it out on my own...I could have waited until I left school to take my car to the garage. I could have ignored the problem and hoped for it to go away. But my dad is the best answer in any car crisis. I count on him to know what to do next. So I called to tell him about the problem. Almost right away he had already decided...he was going to take the day off to help me fix my car. What do you do in a moment like that...knowing your dad is going to come to the rescue...go out of his way to take care of something ?

I woke up this morning with the puffiest eyes I have ever seen. Seriously, I look like I have the eyes of a 70 year old. I called my mom...because mom's know what to do when it comes to things like this. She left her quiet Saturday morning to come and take me to the doctor. And I could have gone by myself. But it was so nice to have her there.

And then, this afternoon...after I had been held at the doctor's office for what seemed like forever and then finally got home...I was about in tears....my friend called. She brought me dinner from Panera...we watched a movie together...she drove me to WalGreen's to buy eyedrops and allergy medicine as we reinacted scenes from Hitch. I felt so cared for.

And my roomate...is so giving...goes out of her way to take care of so many things. Her and her boyfriend have blessed my life. I'm not sure that they even know how much encouragement I have received just from being around them.

I feel as if I am on the receiving end of so much grace. I am being helped instead of having to survive on my own. I don't know why it feels so out of the ordinary...but it does...and I am so thankful.

A Poem (or Poems) for the Evening

We wrote 5 W's Poems in class today. (Who, What, When, Where, Why) I think this type of poem reminds me of Wes. It captures a great deal of thought in very few words.

I
am still waiting
through days and nights
in my heart of hearts
because it is hard to give up hope.

Here is another:

He
listened to my words
that day
in the midst of other activities
contemplating, I suppose, what it might be like.

I
looked into his eyes
that same day
at the table where we sat
hoping to invest in more moments of just the same.

And another:

That city
has been calling my name
for six years
from some place deep within
unwilling to let me stay where I have settled in.

One more:

God
help me to rest from worry
tonight
in the patterns of my thoughts
I need to trust you.

I
feel better
now
at my computer
my thoughts creatively expressed and standing on their own.

It's hard to stop writing these poems....hehe. :)

Enough

These moments come too few and far between...you know...the ones where the only thing I can do, is ignore my to do list and sit in the silence after listening to a few amazing worship songs...and think...there's more.

I am realizing that my perspectives have remained small. My expectations have been slightly off course. And I realize that I have put others above Him. I have respected their thoughts and opinions more than I have waited on His. I have not let His perfect love define me. I have hidden in fear of being rejected or put aside. And I'm not really sure why. But I'm ready to face this. I'm ready to become the Ruth that slept at Boaz's feet, the Esther who boldy entered the courts of her king, the Rebecca that left everything she knew to marry Isaac, the Mary that trusted the word of God. They did not let their fears define them. Instead, they let their love for God define the course of their lives.

I have said many times recently, "I feel so much like that wave tossed back and forth". And I hate that thought because the book of James says that that person should not expect to hear anything from God. And then just the other day I read that verse again. It is the person who doubts who becomes that wave.

Have I been doubting? Have I been asking without believing? I am sure that it is all too true.

Here's the heart of it all: I have been allowing my desires to speak above His answers. All of my "what if's" have come to the forefront. And really, as I have allowed them speak louder than the words of God...it has become sin. No wonder I have not been at peace. No wonder my heart has not been at rest. Because it is only when we set our hearts on God, on drawing near to Him, that He gives us the desires of our hearts. Not the other way around.

The Lord keeps saying to me..over and over...to whom much is given, much is required. And I believe that this will sum up my life. He has already given me so much...now it's my job to believe Him, follow Him all the days of my life...to count the cost, to run after His heart, to show the plan of rescue to those who are in need Him. And I will. I will follow Him. No matter what. Because if I turned back now...there would be nothing to live for.

There is more. There is always more. I said this to my good friend Jilli tonight. We have as much of God as we want. We have as much of His plan as we choose to embrace.

And so tonight, I choose not to wallow in my unanswered plans and desires. I choose to set my heart on the author and finisher of my faith. I choose to believe that His love IS and will always be...enough.

Save ORU

As most of you have probably heard, ORU is going through some difficult times. It is hard for me to say anything against the university...my life was changed there, for the better. I knew God had called me to be there. My sister has also been blessed to be a student there.

However, rumors were constantly being spread about the family who ran the university. Those of us with wisdom stayed out of the debates...it only led to cynicism....and cynicism can lead to so many other things.

But the truth will always be found out. I pray that God brings truth and spares the university and the purposes He has for it. People all over the world have heard the gospel because of this place.

If you'd like to read more go here: Save ORU

Single

It's amazing because for as long as I can remember I have wanted to get married.
And now...in the face of new relationships I am second guessing that desire. It has been at the heart of every break-up, every time I have turned away for the hope of something more. In the back of mind, I have asked questions. But what about going to the nations? Would he go with me? What about singing, writing music and pursuing that passion? Would I be able to do this and still be committed to him? Each time, the answer has come along as "no". And each time I walk away I am drawn deeper into the heart of God, deeper into His plan for my life, and farther away from the desire to simply commit for the sake of be committed....if that makes any sense.

I joined eHarmony about two weeks ago. I had been thinking about it for awhile actually, thinking that it was about time I started to step out and take a look again. So when the 60% off coupon came along I jumped at the chance. I've met a couple of people...via email, not in person. But this question keeps coming up....what about the music? What about going and pursuing the calling of your heart? There's a very real chance I would lay it down in order to follow someone else's heart and calling...someone else's idea of what life should be. And it's at this point that my heart does a little bit of a flip-flop and I realize...I may not be ready to commit yet. I may not be ready for a family of my own. There is still more of the single life to chase after. There is still more of God to pursue.

Imagine...marriage and music...two of the biggest desires of my heart...competing for a chance to be fulfilled. And that's when I realize...that HE is my greatest desire. God, the one who has romanced me through the year, the one who has shown me the nations and asked me to walk through His fields, the one who has given me songs in the night, the one who takes me on adventures and walks with me.

I don't want to miss out on this romance I am tasting in some ways for the very first time.
And then again, in a tangible way, I do not want to be alone on this journey. I want to have a friend and companion to share this adventure with God. But only if it brings as much joy as I have now...only if it holds as much promise...as much excitement...as much intimacy. I now understand why Mattie wants to stay at the monastery....pursuing the God he loves. I now understand how there are men and women who are pursuing their passion and totally at peace with being single.

Praise God for the day I meet the man I will marry. But praise Him also for the days leading to that day....they truly are a gift.

Nashville

I'm about to follow a dream
To trust Him at His word
To believe that there is more
And step out
step forward
Let Him meet me there
And we'll see
as the days and nights unfold
What will become
Of these words, this song
We'll see
This is the dream bigger than I could hold
This is one I could not imagine without Him
This is the one
And I'm about to take the first step.

Good Gifts

DJ pointed out to me last night that her kids have taught her so much about the heart of God. As I went through today with my own kiddos, I was aware of our conversation.

R. is the sweetest little girl, but she is also headstrong, stubborn, and so longing for love and attention. There are good days and there are bad days. There are many days when I have to go way out of my way to get her back on track. This is true for teachers everywhere I am sure. However, she has a heart that longs for relationship. And every time she is in trouble, she writes an apology note explaining her situation. She apologizes over and over again, telling me how much she loves me and wants to do the right thing. It touches my heart every time, of course. And I just thought to myself today...she has the same pattern of behavior issues in my class...it is often a repeating pattern. But I would never kick her out. I would never stop loving her, accepting her, working with her to do better. There will be a day when she will move on from me but there will never be a day where I would not welcome her back. In essence, I was reminded of the verse that basically says, "And if we [earthly fathers] know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more does the Heavenly Father know how to give and even long to give good gifts to His children?"

Encouraging, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too.

Defined

I passed a milestone this past Thursday. And it may seem so simple, but it showed me something....

My lessons plans were done by Thursday night. I had planned on finishing them early, so that my weekend would be free for moving. What I didn't plan on was all of the extra ideas that would pop into my head, causing me to make yet another list of 20 things to do in my classroom this coming week. I took Friday off of school in order to pack...worried about the kids all day...debated over going in to collect their tests and papers at the end of the day...decided not to later on in the midst of my already busy day...then, thought all weekend about the rest of the class plans that needed to be made.

See, usually my lesson plans get put off until Sunday night. Usually, I hem and haw, feeling guilty about my "work free" Saturdays, lunch with friends after church, possibly a nap or two, etc., etc.

Even now, I am sitting here thinking about the missions update I need to send out to so many people...it's coming...dvd, pictures, newsletter all of it. I'm thinking about the music I'd like to start writing again. I'm thinking about the business that Lys and I only dream of at this point. So many things...and I wonder when I will actually find the time to pursue them.

All of this to say, that after finishing my normal "busy" work early on...I realized that it will never be enough. I will never be done with the feeling of having to do more. There will always be another project, another improvement, another way to achieve success. Now I see how work can become an addiction.

Now I see how easily we can become lost in the day to day striving.

Yesterday morning, Z., one of my students, came up to me while we stood in the line for the restrooms. He knew he was supposed to be quietly waiting his turn but he just had to tell me what happened that morning. Right before school, his mom had let him hold his new baby brother. He was so proud, so excited about the new life that he was able to be a part of. And I thought to myself...this is what life is about...not paperwork deadlines...not standards and rituals and routines. It's about enjoying the small, meaningful moments that can almost escape us if we are not careful.

I am so thankful for this move. I am thankful because the time I spend with my parents will now be planned and purposeful. I am thankful because I am living with two girls who know how to grab ahold of life and enjoy the moment. I need them right now.

I could almost get wrapped up in trying to perfect this job I'm in. It will never happen...no matter how late I stay into the evening...no matter how many hours of sleep I sacrifice. Yep, I'll feel awful good about the great job that I'm doing. But when I check my heart...where will I be...where will my song be playing...where will I have met with God? I'm not really sure...I have been too busy trying to be perfect...trying to be defined by the work that I do.

After dropping my kids off this afternoon...I walked back to my classroom and talked with Nan for an hour. It was raining outside...the classroom flooded with light contrasting the outdoor gloom. As she talked about heading home, I thought about the work that needed to be done. I decided to leave it and go home too. Tomorrow it will be waiting...and I'll think..."if only I had stayed...". But what is life without the prospect of love and spontaneity and enjoying a rainy, Tuesday evening with friends in your new apartment?

It's time to find the balance. It's time to follow my heart. Most importantly it's time to walk with the Lord and rely on His grace...not just my own strength.

Emeralds

"Miss T., they were talking about you," he said very seriously as he pulled me aside in the line.

"Oh really? What did 'they' say?"

He cleared his throat, stammered a little...

"It's okay, you won't be in trouble if you tell me."

"Well...they said...that your eyes were like emeralds."

"Oh," I said very importantly. "Thank you for letting me know."

"And they said you were ugly."

Ah, if only they had stopped at the emerald part... :)

Through

Sometimes God sends someone to awaken your tired, weary heart.

We talked about this someone tonight...and I remembered...how real, and beautiful, and painful that season had been. I remembered how I was never quite the same afterwards. My perspectives changed. I walked away knowing there was more.

I felt so alive and so beautiful, so much like a woman and a child all in the same body...he brought adventure, laughter, comradery, passion.

And then...he disappeared...and oh, the pain, the question of not feeling like I had been enough. This, this was the desire of my heart. Why had he come into my life...only to leave again?

I am old enough to know that if someone crosses our path it is for a reason. God's timing is so absolutly perfect. We do not run into each other by chance. We do not connect by mere accident.

And so what was the reason...for him? To this day I have only one answer...to awaken my heart again. Since that day, I have not been the same. I have longed to taste that life again; to grab ahold of the energy and the warmth of those days in early spring; longed for a love so seemingly unconditional and accepting.

Why am I writing this, in the early morning hours of my birthday? I'm not sure. I have spent my 27th year letting go of this experience. I have spent it trying to glean the lessons that I must learn. He might have saved me from compromising my heart in another way. He might have saved me for this very day when I would be looking ahead for more of God's BEST. But the whole truth is that God saved me, continues to save me...for Himself, for His plans and purposes...and that is the best love I can imagine.

If I had stopped there a year ago...stopped to rest in the arms of this someone...I would not be here writing this blog. I would not have known what He could do in and through me in this past year. And for that, I am thankful...to be at home, to be loved and to be waiting.

I had to go through to get here. Sometimes that's the only way I suppose.

What would you do?

What would you do if you heard of a man dying without God?

What would you do if given an open door to his bedside?

What would say to those mourning and in despair?

And if given 10 minutes alone in a funeral home with the body of this same man...what would you pray?

I wonder if your answer would be the same in reality as it is now in the comfort of your stature as you read this blog. I wonder if your answer would have anything to do with whether this man was a friend or stranger, or whether his religion was anything close to yours. I wonder what you really believe about the power of God?

I wonder because I have seen a man this week and I have been asked the very same questions.

I thank God for the gifts He has given me in this past week. He has given me a friend and prayer partner to do battle with. He has given confirming words to let us know we were hearing from Him. He has given us His joy and His peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding. And He has given us opportunity to rise up in faith and to be bold as women of God.

On the first day, we interceded for his healing and salvation. I kept hearing the word chutzpah. When we looked it up we found it to mean, "the character of someone who has the gall, after murdering his/her own parents, to throw himself/herself at the mercy of the court, because he/she is an orphan". Upon reading this, we were convinced that we had been standing in the gap, asking for God's mercy to be upon this man as he faced death for the wages of his sin.

We prayed for 2 days and on the second day we were able to go into his hospital room. This family was Hindu but they welcomed even our prayers over this man. Upon leaving we prayed more. My friend praying with me clearly heard, "He has sent His Word". We believe that God heard our prayer and rescued this man. Two hours later, his life support was removed and this man passed away.

It has now been 2 days since his death. My friend and I planned to meet for the viewing today at a certain time. While we were driving we talked on the phone and laughed, marveling at the possibility of men and women being raised from the dead...and how even today, it could happen. We both admitted to asking God for such a thing to happen. When we arrived, we found the room to be empty. The funeral director told us the family had left for a couple of hours to eat. He then left us alone in the room with the open casket. Could it be? We stood and prayed...calling on God for His will to be done, calling on God for what we thought could only be possible through Him. Why not ask Him? Why not?

I wish I could see what happened in the spiritual realm today.

After about ten minutes, the funeral director walked in and began to talk with us. He told us why he did not wear a watch. He said that once, he had visited the Basilica in Rome...when the Pope was there to speak. And while he was there, his watch was stolen...he believes it was by a man who had actually befriended him. Well, they found the man, but never found the watch. He continued to explain that when such events at the Basilica occur there are thieves everywhere. "Can you imagine," he said, "we were in the most holy of places on earth, coming to see such a holy person, and there were more thieves there than anywhere." His statement hit me right away...although he was speaking of things manmade, it reflected something in the spirit. The enemy knows when the glory of God is coming, and the enemy plans to set out and steal from the people of God who are gathered. How important that was to hear today. So many I have talked with this week know others who are dying or who died during this past week as well. So many are without hope and despair...the enemy has set out to kill, steal and destroy. That must mean one thing...that the glory of God is on its way, that it is here even now. That must mean that there are many who are ready to hear the word of God...who are waiting for His rescue, for His return.

There is so much more that has been planted into me this week. If only I could express it all. Thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumph.

Thankful

I've been standing on a mountaintop for a few weeks now...and I see my life.
How good it is to know that God has been there...orchestrating, loving, molding, shaping. I have been so afraid. I have been worried. And now I look back and see that I never had to worry at all. God is faithful to bring us through. I see that now. He is faithful to show us the truth...about Himself, about ourselves.

Like my good friend PJ said, I really have no words...I am just thankful.

Thankful for the family that I have grown up in. Thankful for the good memories. Thankful for the hard lessons. Thankful for the friendships I have been given. Thankful that I have remained single up to this point in my life. Thankful to be walking with God and seeing His plans unfold.

I am with my grandma and my great aunt and uncle this week. And although I am 27 years old I still feel like a kid being with them. Especially my uncle. I don't know the half of what he thinks about, but he is full of logic and conservative views. He was once in the Navy, so even now we have specific plans and times for each day. But my uncle, sees beauty...I want to listen to him every chance I get. I get excited about being around him to hear what he is going to say next. When he interupts a conversation or insists that we hurry along...it's only because there is something beautiful or amazing to see around the next corner. And his vocabulary is so fun to hear. Today before we even arrived at the restaurant for lunch, he made the plan for our entry and talked of how we needed to "capture" a table.

Thanks to him we have not missed a color in the sunset, an opportunity to see boats being constructed, eagles flying overhead or the way a rock has been formed by glaciers.

There is so much joy in watching God's creation. There is so much joy in stopping to admire the beauty of a sunset or the way rocks have washed up on a beach. It is here that I have been able to be still and know that He is God.

Divine Appointment

I'm in Honduras. I don't have a whole lot to say at the moment. One thing is for sure, this is a divine appointment in my life. I kept thinking as I was walking through the airport..."This is a new beginning." I am staying in a beautiful pink house, in an apartment I have all to myself. The pastors here took me to the store for groceries on the second day. Every morning I get up to spend time with children in the orphanage close by. I return in the afternoons to help the older kids with their homework and once even to teach them a Bible lesson. I feel at peace and so provided for. And I have been able to sit and listen to missionaries who are experienced on the field. I am learning so much, so much. I will write more soon.