Penguins

At the very beginning of this year, my class and I read about penguins. We read about their characteristics, their relationships, the environment they live in. And for some reason, we have continued to talk about penguins throughout the year.

I was struck by the way that penguins must huddle together in the severest of cold in order to survive. Standing or walking alone would bring certain death. They need one another.

And so, one day, in the midst of the classroom chaos I began to lecture my kids on the importance of working together...and I began to talk about the penguins...by the time I was finished...we were like the penguins and we needed to huddle together.

Every so often, we talk about our need to huddle...to get the job done, to support one another. But it's not a daily thing...and not something I would think my kids would think about upon leaving school.

Today was full of beautiful moments. We sat on the carpet so excited to give each other gifts. I don't usually get a whole lot of gifts from my students but this year is different. This year, quite a few came in with beautifully wrapped gifts saying, "Can you open it now?!" To which I surprisingly responded that we would wait until the party (because usually I cannot wait very long to open any gift).

So, there we were...sitting together in a circle. And I had to tell them finally why their teacher had not answered their pointed questions in the past few weeks. Why I might have seemed sad. They sympathized..asked questions. I smoothed it all over, giving them assurance that not all hope was lost. And then, I handed them each a pair of new gloves stuffed with a candy canes, Christmas pencils, and fun erasers. They loved them. I told them that the point of the gloves was to remind them, over the holidays, that when they felt alone or sad or when things got particularly hard, they were not alone, they had a hand to hold. It's our new saying, "You are not alone". We are learning to encourage each other. So, with gloves on each hand and excited little bodies that could hardly contain themselves, I got to enjoy the gifts that each child had picked out for me. A new mug to drink my hot tea (I so totally needed one), a few cards which I of course read out loud for the class to hear, lotion, a candle holder, and a cupcake mix with all the ingredients and tools put together (so cute). Each opened gift was followed by a hug and a thank you and several comments by the class. It was like a little family enjoying Christmas day together. Several more cards were passed out to the rest of the class. Several more moments of enjoying each other's company.

And this is the gift that brought tears to my eyes and let me know that this year, the penguins are not just penguins, they are an example of how to survive and weather the storm. My students are listening. God is listening. and maybe, just maybe...I have been listening too.

Good News

I found my boots today! And of all the places...it was in the exact spot where I searched frantically several times earlier this week as I was trying to rush out the door. It made my day and after the long, and melancholy post of yesterday I thought I should update with some good news. At least one thing was found...there, there...that didn't take long.

In other news, my apartment is cleaner now than it has been for a very long time. That is something to come home to. I also realized that I know my way better around Nashville than I had thought. I didn't get lost on the East side tonight...and that was a very good feeling.

Holding On

For the past two days I have not been able to find my favorite pair of brown boots. I have looked everywhere. I can't find them. I have a favorite math book that I have been so excited to use with my kids in the classroom. Ever since my last sub, I cannot find it anywhere. I have looked almost every day for two weeks. I'm sitting here tonight with the sound of emptiness. The Christmas lights are shining, my mac is singing Peter Bradley Adams, a phone call, a few texts, and an overwhelming feeling of a weekend all alone.

Rob Bell said that most people have not allowed the empty place to open up inside of them. I am trying to let it open up. I don't know what that looks like though or what to do once it is opened. When he was speaking Wednesday night, all I could think about was the homeless people sitting outside...and how I wanted them to come in...or maybe I wanted to go sit with them. They were my Monday night friends, and now Mondays are a closed door. And I struggled with hearing the message of how suffering brings out creativity...how suffering shapes us...how we are not alone, how we have a God who came and screamed alongside of us. I struggled because I wanted to be outside in the cold, sitting with the people who have been placed on my heart this year...not in a room hearing how the suffering I was going through was good for me.

All of this loss. And I think the reason it is so hard at this time of year...is because this time of year is about relationships and being with the ones you love and loving better. Such a magnified time of relationship and love.

From just about everyone I hear...write, sing, embrace it and let God use it. And to that I say, I no longer chase the dream...it is chasing me. I have written one song. One, since this whole ordeal began. It's lyrics are pure and honest...full of the weight that any song should have the responsibility of carrying. But I drag my feet honestly. I don't want the music. I don't want the exposure. I don't want it...if I have to go at it alone. I sang for World Relief last night...sang to the nations...and it was a beautiful opportunity and experience. But I didn't want to carry my guitar into the cold air and drive home in the silence. I didn't want to sit with facebook in my quiet apartment. There was no reason to make dinner for myself...so I made chili for 70 people the next day.

I am so aware of loss. So much so that I see it in my students. I understand what they are going through. So young...they are dealing with death, violence, deportation, family separations, losing friends, moving...not to mention being a kid and learning who they are in the world. And I just have realized that if I am so blessed to have resources and tools and faith to make me stronger...and it's still this hard...how in the world are they carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. This is the issue we will begin to face in my class...the issue of making it through, of holding on to hope, of finding a way to cope and healing and finding the good in every situation.

I have not shared anything personal with my students. I just haven't had the heart to. They still believe that all is well, and life is as it was in their teacher's world. But they are so in tune...so in tune with the changing of the seasons. Without being too explicit, I will say that although they do not know...they know...and they have drawn me pictures of hope this week.

We are helping each other through. One my students said today, "I don't want to go home. I want to stay with you." I kind of felt that way too.



"Miss T., this is all of us hugging you. And this is --- running to get in the picture."









Me: "Why did you draw this?"
Student: "I don't know...it's a broken heart and then it came back together. The butterflies are for love."














We read "The Purple Balloon" with the school counselor today. "The two heart balloons are going up to the sun so that they can shine."















(abstract but I see a sunrise)

Thank you @PeterBradleyAdams

The Truth

I think we all know that we can go through times of great joy and times of great discouragement. And then there are all the in between times, when we are wondering what the outcome will be, which side we should stand on, who or what to really believe and place our hope in, what words to pray. We go through times when answers are few and far between and we try desperately to hold on to what we have known, except what we thought we knew to be absolutely true also seems to slowly slip away.

I am starting to believe that everyone should be so blessed to see their circumstances fall away. They were never true anyways. Your dreams, your house, your relationships, your job, your ability to physically and mentally meet the challenges of everyday life, your financial security could be entirely gone tomorrow. And then what? Who would you be? What would your truth be then?

Mostly, we as a nation, we as people, are consumed with ourselves and our ability to have more fun, feel more secure, have the approval of as many as we can, acquire as many possessions as our little hearts delight in. Of course, we do like to give and to care for others in need, it makes us feel better about ourselves...we become stronger, deeper, more likable in the end. If we're really honest, we like ourselves better for having reached out.

But how many of us have reached out in discomfort? How many of us have loved through a very closed and padlocked door? Have we been patient when someone else's decision affects our own decisions? Have we been kind when we were unfairly treated, when we have been abandoned and bruised? Have we allowed someone to walk away from us without holding it against them in spite and in bitterness? Have we allowed them to return with no record of past grievances? Have we continued to protect the ones who have left us alone with no promise of a returned effort? Do we still hope, do we still persevere even after the last battle seems to have been lost? Even after the death of something we held so dear? What happened to laying our lives down? What happened to loving no matter what the cost?

I'm talking to myself here. I'm looking at my life and seeing how attracted I am to being loved at every moment. How attracted I am to feeling comfortable and safe and cherished. And those things are good, so good. But what about the days when I feel unlovely, unworthy and so much less that who I really want to be? Who will love me then? I know God will love me. But my question is, who will love me in the unlovely moments? And the bigger, deeper question this leads to...who will I love in the confusing, unlovely, ugly, tiring, disheartening moments? Am I willing to subject myself to someone else's mess? Am I willing to stand strong when everything else is falling down? Am I willing to change? Am I willing to listen? Am I willing to trust?

And when I speak of trust...Who do we really trust? If our answer is ourselves, we will end up empty and disappointed every time. If we depend only on ourselves, we will become the miserly, selfish people we would never have wanted to see ourselves associated with. I am speaking of trusting in God. I am speaking of allowing God to place people in our lives, then trusting Him to help us love those people and even more, opening the door for them to love us back. Trusting in a person will be disappointing at some point. Every one of us is imperfect, and we will fail one another. But God never fails. His promises always come to pass...even when it looks like He wasn't listening...He was. God loves us. He is always working, He cares when no one else seems to. If we could learn trust in a perfect God who loves us without condition, then maybe we could learn to love one another better, we could learn what it means to stay faithful when everything else falls apart.

This is the hope I woke up with this morning. Late hours on the phone with my little brother, who is not so little anymore. He spoke to me about love last night, about how it can last even when hope is gone, how it is more than feeling good and everything being perfect. It is about steadfastness. It is about laying down our own agendas and showing support and loyalty and so many other things. Even after what seems to like death, love rises again and promises a better future than what has been in the past. Love is deeper and wider and higher and longer than I ever imagined. And this morning, I am filled with that hope...that there's always more to the picture.

This is the verse that kept playing over and over in my head yesterday and I am beginning to realize it's depth. My circumstances have been falling away and the truth I thought to be true. But here is a new truth beaming through the curtain of my questions:

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17

In my adversity my brother (and sister and parents for that matter) have brought hope and strength to my life. My friends are loving me well. But even more, if I call myself a friend, I too must love at ALL times, even when it is not convenient or comfortable or rewarding. I must walk in love because I walk with a God who has never stopped loving me. (1 Cor.13)

Immigration

I sat at my reading table this morning calling students over for reading assessments. When one particular student sat down I realized that we were in for a longer conversation, and it wasn't going to begin with any kind of reading. "Miss T. the police came and took my dad away yesterday. He's not allowed to live here anymore. They're sending him back to Salvador." This student went on to tell me that he had been crying and how much he missed his dad. He only had the hope of visiting at the end of the school year. The one thing that seemed to make him smile was the promise from his dad that he would send them anything they needed and lots of gifts for Christmas. His mom packed up all his clothes in a box last night...my student drew him a picture of a race car or something along those lines and stuck it in the box as well.

I keep thinking about this situation. I keep thinking about the mom and how she just had a baby a few short weeks ago. She now has to move in with her brother in order to care for her children. She doesn't have the warmth of her husband at night. She has to stay here in the U.S. and care for her family without the husband she loves. I know all the politics about illegal immigration, the need for paperwork, but tonight I could care less. When you look at the faces of families who are trying to live a better life, of the children who are bright with hope for the future, how in the world can you forget that this country is about families working for a better future, for freedom and for hope? I heard stories of interrogations and searches at my reading table this morning. It seems like such a different life.

And tonight, my little student is going to bed in a land far, far away from his daddy. A daddy who was not even allowed to say goodbye. This is my first experience with such things but according to stories I heard today, it is not uncommon. Have we closed our doors? Has the high society club met their maximum occupancy? Or am I oblivious and ignorant to some kind of explanation here? I want to know why immigration is such a problem. I guess I have some research to do.

Identity

I'm in the middle of reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning...so good, talking about our identity and being loved apart from performance. Tonight, I ran across this quote by Henry Nouwen...

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

So good. Thought I'd share.

The Love Chapter

There is much to say tonight...so much.
On the way home, in the midst of traffic and my intense effort not to break down, a knowing came to my heart; an understanding, if you will. I have continued to reflect on 1 Corinthians 13 (The love chapter), continued to run these verses through my head,

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

And as I thought about the patience part and the not giving up, I thought about my intense to desire to not give up...to keep hoping...to keep loving...to keep becoming someone better than I had started out to be. And then I thought about the fact that I am this little person on a big planet with a lot of misgivings and failures and how if I feel this intense about hoping for someone who has walked away, how much more intense does this perfect, loving, God, who is all of the things in the verses above, feel when a person walks away from Him?

How does He feel when a person says to Him, "I'm not good enough for you...I never will be...so I'm going to quit trying now. I bet you can find someone better, someone more suitable to have a relationship with." How His heart must break at the sound of these words. The whole point of sending Jesus was God saying, "You don't have to be good enough, I don't want your goodness. I don't want your valiant yet failed efforts at trying to follow impossible rules and expectations, I just want you. I want to live with you, and laugh with you. I want to dance with you and dream with you. I want to fight it out and see the other side. I want your heart to be free and full of life. I want you, and no matter what it takes, or how long I have to wait...I will never stop waiting and hoping for you to come home." And then He lets us walk out the door, knowing full well that we may never return, knowing full well He may not hear from us for days, months, years. Knowing full well that other things could entice our hearts and keep us from missing Him. And to Him that's ok. Because He is love and love never fails, never gives up, keeps on waiting.

Luke 15

"But while he was still a long way off,
his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.
²¹"The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you.
I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'
²²"But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.
Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.
²³Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate.
²⁴For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'
So they began to celebrate.

So many thoughts tonight. I feel a bit closer to understanding how God feels for those who are running from Him. What do I do with that knowledge? Not too sure. Love Him back...live my life without fear...love well and extravagantly and with a hope that doesn't give up? I am learning as I go.

December 1

Right now I am thankful for warm blankets and Christmas lights that my roommate insisted should be put up early this year. I am thankful for a job that gave me the space to turn off the lights for an hour in the middle of my day today just to read and regroup. I promise I will try harder to be all there tomorrow. I am thankful that my family is only a phone call away. Their words have spoken truth to me in the midst of much despair. I am thankful for mom and dad who bought me new tires when I have no idea how in the world I would have done such a task. I didn't worry so much about rain this morning. I am thankful for friends who keep calling and asking and loving just when I need it most. I am thankful for butternut squash soup (which sounded really awful at first but ended up tasting pretty good) and grilled cheese sandwiches on rye. I am thankful for a God who doesn't forget His promises, even when everyone else does. I get to wake up in the morning. I get to try again...and keep trying until I get there...wherever there is.

He is working all things together for my good. I have to keep repeating that to myself tonight. I have to keep reminding myself of the words I heard in my heart at the moment when other words were the most painful..."I am making all things new." I have to keep saying to myself..."Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean NOT on your own understanding." Yep, that about covers it. It's the soundtrack in my head, along with Sara Groves', "love wash over a multitude of things..love wash over a multitude of things...make us whole".

November I must say, I am glad to see you go. December is a new place to start.

C.S. Lewis

If you know me well, you know that one of my favorite authors is C.S.Lewis. Here is my new favorite quote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself." C.S.Lewis

The Day After 3

It's over. It's over? I keep having to tell myself the news. It's not what I wanted. It's not what I was hoping for. And yet here I stand with the news in my ears. Half of me doesn't even believe it to be real. Half of me expects the curtain to rise and life to continue on as it had before.

He said, "God is going to work all things together for good." It is the same verse my mom spoke to me this morning. How does this work for the good? It hurts too much to make any sense right now.

I see it, how it all fell apart. But I saw a way through. I wanted it to work so badly. I didn't want to be left behind. No. Not now. Not when I my heart trusted in something I thought would last. I thought it would last. No matter what.

The End

I have had the distinct privilege of coming to the end of myself these past few months...or maybe it's been longer than that. You know, the end, when no strength seems to be left, no motivation, not much hope, a lot of anger showing up in places I never thought I'd find myself...the kind that comes from fears embedded deep, deep down where I never would have found them if I had not been in such circumstances. Yeah, it's been tough.

I have asked a lot of questions, held on a bit too much, worried more than I should, cried for days in a row. I wanted to blame someone else...wanted to think that it was the circumstances causing all of this. I wanted to find a way out. I wanted to escape from the pressure. I wanted to lay my head down and sleep. I have not had a lot of words to pray out loud. I have not really had a song to sing. It has been quiet and empty in moments when no one else is around.

It had to come to this I think....the breaking down of everything I have placed my faith in. I am learning...all over again and then maybe for the first time...the authentic need I have for relying on the Spirit of God. The Spirit that dwells within my heart. The Spirit that breathes on and brings light to every part of my life. I have been relying on so many other things without purposely doing so, without ever realizing the state of my heart...so disappointed that those things were bringing turmoil instead of peace.

I have needed peace...and peace cannot be bought...it cannot be taken from someone else's words or assurance...it cannot come through a bunch of hard work and effort. Peace comes through understanding that we are loved by God and that His plans for us are good. Peace comes through understanding God's heart...trusting that He has our world in His hands. His words...are life...and light. His words are the peace we are all so longing for. Without them...we will continue to strive and cry out. Without them...we will continue in the cycles we have found ourselves in for so long.

And so even though this is still raw and very much a real part of my journey right now...I am writing it down. Because I know that I am not alone. I have students in my 3rd grade class who are struggling with anger, suicide, insecurities, and so many other things. I have friends and family who are tired of struggling. And I just keep saying, if I truly have Christ in my life...I have the ability to see beyond what the circumstances are telling me. I have the ability to know there is hope in the midst of despair. I have the ability to trust in Someone who can mend what is broken way better than I ever could. And so I am praying and asking, "God help me to live through your Spirit...help me to walk with confidence that all is well. Help me to trust when I cannot see. Help me to rest when everything is falling apart. Help me to walk when the burden seems too hard to bear. Help me to know that the end...is really a chance to begin again.

Galatians 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Confidence

I ran across these lyrics by Steven Curtis Chapman tonight...so good.

Tomorrow morning if you wake
up and the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
I will be here

Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
Tomorrow morning, if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
Oh, I will be here

Change

Today, I put my hands in God's hands. I look into His loving face and wait for Him to hold me close. I wait for His answers, for His guidance, for His reassurance. I wait. And as long as He is holding me close, I don't think it matters how long I stand there. As long as I stay in His embrace I will rest in the fact that an answer is ready and waiting for me.

We have our battles do we not? And our battles seem great comparison to our small understandings.

I am getting older, I am not a child or a 20 something anymore. I need to trust God. I am growing set in my ways. I am becoming less accustomed to enjoying change at every moment. I need to trust God. There is so much that I want, that I dream of. I need to trust God. There are so many questions in my heart. I need to trust God.

And I need to be quiet. Isaiah says, "In quietness and trust is your salvation...".

My life is about to change. I need to trust God.

Awakening

My guitar is making it's way to the heart of Nashville tonight. She will come out of her case surrounded by the sounds of bluegrass instruments, in a place where legends have passed through, in a place where music is spoken between old and young, professional musicians and plain old music lovers alike. And why am I not with her? Why is she playing on her own?

I have a boyfriend who is loyal to the core. If he has a passion for something he does not give up on it; something I am very thankful for. Every Sunday night you will find him at the Station Inn. From about 8-11pm he will sit with about 20 other people, give or take, in a great big circle next to the stage. He will play his guitar along with fiddles, the bass, other acoustic guitars, mandolins, you name it, to the tune of any bluegrass song you could probably think of.

I have been there a few times. You don't have to be an expert to play along. This dimly lit, small room is not partial to the onlookers or the participators. If you know G, C, D you are more than welcome to sit in on a song; and if you're really good the circle will stop and listen to your solo. For those, like me, who haven't quite gotten the hang of things, you can easily pretend to blend in with the rest of the instruments. It's a no pressure situation and a great place to learn the art of bluegrass music.

Back to the question. My guitar is there tonight because Adam needed to borrow mine. I'm not there, or in any other music venue, because I'm working tomorrow. I will wake up at 5:30, be out the door an hour later, and spend a good 9 hours taking care of my 3rd grade class. Afterwards, I will tutor...and then I will end the night doing a homeless outreach. The next day I will get up at 5:30 again and repeat the process. Every day...in and out...teaching consumes my life. Don't get me wrong...I love kids...love the schedule...love filling their little minds with knowledge about the world. But lately, I have found myself working late hours and weekends without any hope of coming out on top. Each passing day comes with more work added on. If I gave into it all I would never have time to rest, or contemplate, or enjoy the relationships in my life.

I came to Nashville because I heard God calling me here. That's a bold statement, but true nonetheless. I came here also because it was the place where I wanted to bring my heart for songwriting and singing and see what God would do with it...see what I could do with it. And I've done nothing really. I have ended up in the same rut...working...day in and day out...to pay off my debts...to fulfill some sense of responsibility...to survive. I have played out a handful of times and with each passing day have become apathetic to the creative call. I hear more and more people saying, "well, it's a good hobby" or anything along those lines. I hear others beginning to fulfill their dreams of music, or photography, or art, or you name it. And I think, what the heck am I doing? Trading it all in? And for what? To say that I survived through a school year? To say that I was a good teacher? To say that I got all my paperwork done on time? That sounds so adverse to what is really in my heart. If I was my friend I would be sitting down and giving myself a good talking to.

Adam listens to me, supports me, loves me through it all. And yet, in the end, I'm going to have to stand up on my own two feet, brush off the dust, and begin again. I am the one that has to believe that God is not done with me yet...that I can start out doing something new.

And because I realize that taking this step seems impossible and unclear and so far out of my reach, this is more of a prayer than anything. God help me...show me the plans that you have for me here. Show me why I am so unsatisfied with this teaching career. Show me my heart and what you have placed in me to create. Show me what it means to live life as an artist who is truly inspired and propelled by the heart of God.

http://www.myspace.com/apriltrus

A Lot to Say

Why is it that a million thoughts go through my head, each with intention, each with it's own emotion, each with it's own ability to create the urge in me to write it down...and then, when I get to the place of writing it down, I can't remember anything I was about to say?

Humph.

This is my only excuse for not updating for a very long time. Because if you were to read my mind, there is quite a lot to say.

Nothing to Worry About

I am blessed. I wake up every morning in an air conditioned room. I do not have to worry about how I will get to work or if I will have enough gas money. I do not even have to worry about job security. On any given day at any given time I can choose exactly what I want to eat and where I want to eat it. If I want to watch a movie, I watch it. If I need a new piece of clothing or item for my house, I buy it. I never have to worry about running out.

I'm an elementary school teacher. I don't have the highest pay in the world; but compared to the rest of the world...I'm doing pretty well. I have every one of my teeth and even though they are not pearly white like the commercials...I can still flash an attractive smile without being embarrassed. I have the privilege of taking showers every day. I have a place to call home. I went to college...and although I have a considerable amount of loans to pay back...I am able to pay them back.

I have been thinking a lot about this lately; thinking about how I get grumpy when I am hungry or tired or upset that things have not gone the way I wanted them to.

On recent Monday nights Adam and I have had the privilege of meeting with about 100 people who are surviving on the streets. They are young and old, men and women, and every one with a different story to tell. Tonight I met Curtis. I thought he was going to try to hustle me. He didn't. He asked if I knew of a place where he could go to get him some assistance for getting to New Orleans. He has heard there is work there, lots of work. He can't find work here, can't catch a break. He has been robbed; not only of money but his i.d. He says there is no way to hustle on these streets because the cops are so strict. Curtis needs a bus ticket to New Orleans. I sympathized with him, feeling helpless as to being able to give any real direction or advice. He said that was okay and talked about how God takes care of him no matter what. He told a story about how he went to the farmer's market last weekend and asked if anyone could give him work. He told them he was so hungry and just needed some money for food. They loaded him down with corn and melon and all kinds of produce. He said he just sat there eating and someone came by, handed him $5 and said, "God bless you." "God always takes care of me", he said. Curtis was not grumpy. He was thankful. He had a vision. I know God is taking care of him.

When we got back to Adam's place tonight, we talked about not taking what God has given us for granted....not wasting any resources...and also not despising them. It is so easy to forget how good God has been, to forget that all that we have is truly from Him. We do not gain wealth on our own. We do not live comfortably and peacefully because of anything we have done. Everything we have is because He has provided. God forgive me for the times when I have acted so entitled to the provision that you have so graciously placed in and around my life.

Matthew 6:25-34

²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

²⁸"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Some good info...

Heaven is a must read for anyone who ever wondered about what life will be like after we have died. Randy Alcorn has done a lot of research about what the Bible says about Heaven. He presents what he has found in the book in a way that has really caused me to look forward to being there. If you are looking for answers, this is a great start.

"By the time you finish reading this book, you will have a biblical basis for envisioning the eternal Heaven...you don't need to look up at the clouds; you simply need to look around you and imagine what all this would be like without sin and death and suffering and corruption." -Alcorn

Home Sweet Home

Yay! I'm home. :) For two whole weeks. If the rain stops I will spend plenty of time at the beach. I can already feel myself breathing a huge sigh of relief...no homework...just family, friends, and time to relax....not to mention a new puppy to play with!

Faithful

I wish I was better at trusting that all will be well.
I wish I was better at waiting it through.
I want to be more faithful...not just on the outside but on the inside too.

Thankful

I feel the incessant need to cover my mouth lately and not let too many words come out.  Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.  I have been afraid, worried, untrusting, indignant...and my words have proved this true.

Thankfulness was the word that came to mind tonight.  I must be thankful.  I need to look for the littlest things and just be thankful.  Thankful despite disappointment.  Thankful when I still feel great need.  Thankful when I would rather crawl under the covers and hide away.  Thankful when it does not go my way.

I am thankful

for the green of spring along with the rain

the breeze through my classroom when the a/c is down

for the way he loves me and keeps loving me

for the smiles of my students, their hugs, their willingness to try new things

for the money to pay for food and gas

for a car that takes me there and back

for a family that keeps moving forward

for the opportunity every day to start again.

ORU Bound

Approximately 5 hours until my ride arrives.

Still need to pack.

Lots of cleaning to do.

I'm headed to Tulsa to see Lys graduate.  Doesn't seem like very long ago that I was there...graduating...looking forward to life beyond the college years.

Spring is Here

This has been a most peaceful weekend...full of outdoor activities like picnics and festivals, full of people and community, full of quality time with friends. The weather has been more like summer than spring. My windows are open and our ceiling fans are circulating the fresh air through the apartment. I got my first sunburn of the season and hopefully the last. Somehow the trees have turned green right before our eyes. It's time again. I feel more alive, more ready to face the world outside.

Tornado Season

Spring is here!  Hail, all programming cancelled to report the weather, tornado sirens, dark clouds, wind.  Yikes!  Honestly, if the bees weren't out there ruling my balcony I'd be out there watching the storm roll through. :)  Oh, there go the sirens again....

Salt and Pepper!

So I was having coffee with a very good friend of mine this morning when all of a sudden she said, "I just have to tell you, I love the salt and pepper in your hair."  Oh man, that's when you know the gray has been left in for too long.    I wasn't offended at all.  In fact, this morning while getting ready I thought, "Well, maybe it's not so bad after all."  Upon hearing my friend's compliment though I realized that the highlights of white and grey were way more obvious than I had thought.  At that point I longed to darken my tressles...not leaving an trace of the aging process.  After all, I haven't even hit 30 yet!  If only I wasn't trying to cut down on spending.  If only it didn't cost at least $60 every six weeks to take care of this problem.  Any suggestions?  Ha. :)

One Year Ago

Tonight I went back to see the archives from one year ago...it's amazing to find what has happened in one year.  One year ago tonight I had one of the most incredible dreams ever.  One year ago today I was dreaming of the days I am living in now.  Thought you might like to go back and read...

March 2008

Returning the Gift

I know, I know....it's been awhile.  I'm working on a whole new site....we'll see when it gets finished...lol.  For the past two or three months I have tried to sit down and write....tried to get something out on paper...and it has been difficult.  Sometimes the workings are so deep it takes time for the words to rise to the surface.  I think I need to start writing more.  I think it is the thing that makes me come alive inside.  I told my class at the beginning of the year..."Class, I LOVE writing and I can't wait to teach you how to become a writer."  It is now their favorite subject.  They will write pages and pages while other teachers are complaining about not being able to get their students to sit down and write for 15 minutes.  But just as my personal writing has been neglected, I am sad to say it has been put on the backburner with us for awhile as well.  I know there's more.  For me and for them.  So, all that to say...I'm going to try to come back online...and use the gift God has given me.

Love is a Beautiful Thing

I found these lyrics today from Andrew Peterson. Thought I would share...


Don't Give Up On Me" Lyrics
by Andrew Peterson from the album Resurrection Letters Vol. II

The road is long that leads me home tonight.
It disappears into the distant light, my love.
Don’t give up on me.
You know I love you, but I’m just a man.
I don’t always love you the best that I can.
My love, don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me.
I won’t give up on you.
Got all these letters that I never did write, all this affection I kept inside my heart.
Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on me. I won’t give up on you.
You were there when I shook my fist at the sky.
You were there when I fell to the earth and cried.
Do you remember how it felt just like we died and rose again?
And the storm inside was raging.It was howling like the wind at the Pentecost,
and his love was teaching us a language we thought was lost.
I have felt the holy fire of love, been burned by the holy fire of love.
Made clean by the holy fire of love.
I walked beside you in the canyon flames, deep as an ocean and hot as a thousand suns.
We barely survived. Now I wake up in a golden dream:
angel voices in the rooms where the children run, all covered in light.
Don’t give up on me. I won’t give up on you.

He Calls Himself Love

I read an article in Newsweek today entitled Our Mutual Joy written by Lisa Miller.  I have to admit that I was surprised by some of her findings...surprised, that is, by the way she interpreted the scriptures that come from a book she views as "a living document, powerful for more than 2,000 years because its truths speak to us even as we change through history". In this article, she is stating the case for gay marriage.  She stands very clearly on her opinion that the gay community should not be judged for their decisions.  She compares their acts to the acts of other Biblical figures...polygamists, adulterers, murderers, etc.  This is the truth she relies on:  "If we are all God's children, made in his likeness and image, then to deny access to any sacrament based on sexuality is exactly the same thing as denying it based on skin color—and no serious (or even semiserious) person would argue that. People get married "for their mutual joy."  This particular statement was made by Rev. Chloe Breyer. Miller also goes on to point out that Jesus reached out to the outcasts.  He placed on special emphasis on those who did not fit into the "religious" category of that time.

She is right about Jesus.  He was concerned with reaching out to those who did not fit into the religious walls.  He was all about dining with the sinners and tax collectors.  She is right in saying that any one of us...gay or straight...could come to the Lord and know Him as our Father.  But her words break my heart.  They break my heart much the same way my own actions and words...or lack words...have done so.  This is the closing statement in the article:

More basic than theology, though, is human need. We want, as Abraham did, to grow old surrounded by friends and family and to be buried at last peacefully among them. We want, as Jesus taught, to love one another for our own good—and, not to be too grandiose about it, for the good of the world. We want our children to grow up in stable homes. What happens in the bedroom, really, has nothing to do with any of this. My friend the priest James Martin says his favorite Scripture relating to the question of homosexuality is Psalm 139, a song that praises the beauty and imperfection in all of us and that glorifies God's knowledge of our most secret selves: "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." And then he adds that in his heart he believes that if Jesus were alive today, he would reach out especially to the gays and lesbians among us, for "Jesus does not want people to be lonely and sad." Let the priest's prayer be our own.

I sit here wanting to cry about the whole thing.  Not because Miller is wrong and I am upset by her words to a large audience...not at all.  But because these are the words of our generation whether from those claim to be Christians and those who do not.  These are the words I have ignorantly sided with when given occasion to "figure out" the truth "for myself".  The bedroom IS the place of deepest intimacy.  It is the place where our flesh becomes one flesh...our hearts are joined into one.  I would have to argue that it is the place where our spirits and our souls take direction from the body.  How could it not affect us on the outside.  It either deepens or shallows who we are.  It either value or devalues our very soul.  Ask an abused child whether or not the bedroom made a difference, or a man or woman who has sold themselves for money.  Ask a victim of rape.  Ask someone who struggles with pornography.  Ask someone who struggles with sexual addictions.  Ask these people if they leave their shame behind closed doors.  Ask them how they set their darkness aside in a neat and tidy box as if it never happened.  Tell me then, that God did not see these things in advance...that He did not make a way for us to be pure.  Because He did.  And whether you read a few lines or the entire book from beginning to end...God clearly spoke about how to walk in pure and healthy relationships.

How far is too far?  Where are the boundary lines?  What is the difference between lust and passion?  Love and selfishness?  We have fought for our right to make our own decisions, walk about in freedom.  We have argued that God's grace is sufficient and far reaching.  We have claimed to be God's children.  And then, when given the opportunity, we serve ourselves...we serve our own ambitions...our own feelings...our own ideas of truth.  We turn back to Him and we say, "Thanks...thank you very much...I'll take it from here...make it my own...do it my way.  I don't want to hear your advice about love.  I think I know now.  I can figure it out."  And little by little...we walk away from the greatest relationship we could have ever known.  

We walk away as if He never truly reached out to us anyway.  The gifts that He gives become more important.  More important than Him.  I think that's called idolatry.  And I think He said something about hating that very thing.  Because idols destroy our hearts.  Idols destroy the passion that drives our hearts.

If we were truly honest, looked deep down inside...we would remember when our hearts became broken.  It could have been long before the tears began to roll, the addictions took hold, the desperation set in.  We would remember...a day, an evening, a month, a season....when we began to compromise on that still small voice.  The moments where we had nothing to stand on...so we did not stand at all.  We would remember the question..."Is this OK?"  "Why do I feel like something is wrong?"  We would remember the difference between peace and unsettledness.  We would remember a song, a scripture, a phrase...that rolled around and around in our mind...a thought that would just not go away.  We would remember the moments of giving in, giving over, giving up.  Moments of shying away from those who might have held us accountable to a higher standard.  Moments of running away from being anywhere near the influence of an all-seeing God.  

It was the sin that broke our hearts.  It was at the moment where we ignored the guidelines He gave us...the truth He put in His word...sin separated us from God...it separated us from love...it separated us from the joy we were meant to know...from the peace we were meant to walk in.

So many of us are driving home late at night and in the early morning hours...remembering that our hearts are broken.  We are waking up in the morning with a cry in our heart that says, "this can't be right".  So many of us are half the people we should be.  We stumble on...chasing after what we think we know to be true...trying to make it true...trying to make it all work out.  We are surviving.

But He wants to heal us.  He wants to make us full again.  He wants to give us the desire of our hearts.  God is a loving Father who wants to give better gifts than our fathers could ever think to give.  He sent Jesus...to accept us...to save us...to set us free.  He knew we could not free ourselves.  He knew we would never make it on our own.  He wanted to know us.  He wanted us to know Him.  Religion was never in His heart...relationship was.

The real issue here...fellow Christians...is not whether gays should marry.  The real issue is how do we show Christ's love in a way that captures their hearts...and the hearts of every other person who does not yet know Him?  How do we point them to the love of all loves?  How do WE find the love of all loves?  How do WE walk in purity and truth?

How do we let go of our own agendas....our own ambitions....our own ideas of what love should be?  How do we follow the God who calls Himself LOVE?  Because then I think they would want to hear what we had to say.

Happy Holidays?

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Four Years and Distinction

So, today is the day where every adult gets to walk around proudly wearing their own sticker. :)
I love this thought. I also love that tonight on the way home, Starbucks is going to give me free coffee. I've been watching election coverage while working the classroom all day. Tonight is going to be very interesting. I don't think I have ever felt this much apprehension or interest in an election. Of course, a span of four years could have helped me to forget the feelings of excitement leading up to an election. Adam and I are watching the results together tonight. We have decided that no matter what...God is in control.

And isn't that the truth? No matter what...no matter who wins...all will be well for those of us who love the Lord...for those of us who are listening to His voice...for those of us who are willing to act on His word. It is not the government who has been called to bring God's kingdom to earth. It is not the government who should decide how we as Christians affect the lives of those around us. No matter who the government is...we are still called to be the hands and feet of Jesus...we are still called to spread the gospel...we are still called to love the Lord...we are still called to pray for our leaders and for our nation. When we have done what we know to do in order to stand...then we stand...and we trust God. He is not surprised by candidates or the votes of an entire nation.

We as the church need to rise up, take responsibility and become a voice that speaks truth as well as peace in the government, our communities, our workplaces, our own homes. Pastor Dale illuded to this on Sunday..."We are not electing a savior, we are electing a president...and we need to pray." I agree. We need to stop looking to our governmental leaders as saviors. Christ is our Savior, and as the years unfold ahead of us we will see more and more of a distinction on this matter. I too am concerned about moral decisions. I am very concerned about abortion, lifestyle choices, foreign policies, etc. However, as these past few months have progressed, I have felt more and more convicted that I need to stop relying on the government leaders to affect change. Instead, I need to pray and ask God what I should DO about the things that concern me in this area. Change will not truly happen until the love of God is allowed to transform someone's heart. And how will they know...unless we stop talking about our beliefs and get out there to act on what we believe?

It is time for a change...but let it begin with me...with you...with the church responding to the love of our great Savior...Jesus Christ. His reign and rule will be forever...four years is only a grain of sand in the ocean of God's plan and timeline.

Proverbs 19:21 says:

Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

Love

Love...

surprises you at just the right moment

speaks words in a language your heart can understand

has eyes that see beneath the surface

listens to the rise and fall of every emotion

stays calm in the midst of a storm

holds your hand close to its heart

holds you as close as it possibly can

brings you food when you are hungry

gives without thinking twice or asking for a return

Love is...

full of hope

full of kindness

full of thoughts you never could have thought up yourself

Love...

holds dreams for the future

waits patiently

knows that bumps in the road are just bumps

and the journey itself is much more important

Love is...

not afraid

not rude or self-seeking

Love...

forgives right away

and keeps no records of wrong

Love never fails.

Love is opening my heart.

Love is beckoning me to trust...to let go...to dream...to hope...to plan...to get ready...to believe.

Love is casting out all of my fear

and replacing it with peace...the kind that surpasses all understanding.

Love is...once again...teaching me how to live.

Help Wanted

It is a curious thing how one can go from independence to total reliance. I do not think I am reliant enough on the Lord by any means. In fact, I think most of the time I am trying to prove that I have got it together enough just to please His heart...as if the measure of my effort is helping Him out in some sort of way...or earning His love and respect. And honestly, I think it is the measured effort that has caused me to push God away so many times and turn my eyes from what is truly important. I think all that He really wants is to hear that we want Him...that we need Him...that we can't wait to be with Him. Because that is what He is saying to us.

If we would just sit with Him. If we would just plan time with Him. If we would just be open with Him and share our hearts. If we would just stop trying to live as if we could make it on our own. "Look, God, I can survive!" "Look I can do it all by myself!" Granted, there is joy in finding new strength and ability. But to then take that joy and keep it only to ourselves? How sad He must feel...when He gives a gift but cannot share in the enjoyment of the gift. How sad He must feel to give dreams and visions to only become an afterthought in the undertaking of the very things He created.

More and more I feel myself moving from independence into reliance. My life not only affects others, but it is affected by them. It makes me feel vulnerable. What if I make a mistake? Will the whole thing fall apart? Will the others eventually go away when seeing that my need is too great? I don't know how to rely on someone else. I don't know how to trust that someone else could take my feelings and my heart and care for it the way I hope it would be cared for. We all want to be cared for, do we not? And in the same token, we all want to have someone to give our own affections and attention to. But when that time comes...and here it is coming for me...it is so different to say that the want has now turned into need. I need this love in my life. I need this patience. I need to know everything is going to be okay. I need to know that I am allowed to mess up. I need to know that my words and actions make a difference. It is a realm I am not used to...a realm I never thought I would get the chance to enter...hoped to...but honestly doubted many times. It is a realm that asks for my trust...my dependence on the love of someone else.

It feels really good to be needed. And because of that...I am trying to show my need as well. I am trying to make sure that I do not look as if I want to make it on my own. I have tried it all on my own...it's okay, but it is also lonely. I am finally seeing the fulfillment of someone I have needed for a very long time. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I am sure that God feels the same way about us. He became vulnerable so that we could be with Him too. I'm going to try to trust Him better...because I think that will help me to trust more in every area of my life.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." {Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

Obama

I just spent 2 hours watching all of these videos tonight. They are well worth the time. You can see the hearts of both coming through a bit clearer than the most recent televised debates. If you have some time..take a look.

McCain

Election

It's been hard...I see things on both sides...good and bad.  In spite of this, I am pretty sure that I have come to a decision.

Looking Back

One year ago this is where I was....

October

It's amazing to me that so much could be the same...even after a year of working it out.

Hebrews 12:1-13

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

The Life of a Teacher

My how the times have changed. I am especially concerned about #4 and #8.

A Perfect Day

I didn't want today to end.

I felt alive...I felt home

I remembered who I was 

I remembered what I wanted

I remembered my dreams

and I was thankful

For this place

For this new love

For having a sister

Who reminds me of what I know

We were at peace with each other

At peace with the world

Every obstacle held back or removed

We breathed in 

thoughts of life, love, home, children

as laughter ran between us

we ran our hands over treasures

dreamed of days to come

And I quietly hoped that one day she wouldn't be so far away

If only every day was like today

If only every day romanced our hearts

reminded us of who we are

Every girl needs a sister

Every girl needs an Alyssa

She is beautiful

She makes me feel beautiful

Into the UnKnown

You have been in my heart

One day at a time

As if no time had passed

As if page one

Spoke of all our days to come

You have been in my heart

Now one day is too long

As if time stopped without you

And has begun

Only when you are near

I did not know

I was missing you

Until your eyes met mine

Until you pulled me in

Now I cannot let you go

With one word

one taste of your relentless love

I am washed with hope

Chased by desire

With all the love in my heart

I am longing to run with you

Into the unknown...

No Fear

How do you return love when your own resources are so small in comparison to the one who loved you first?  It is humbling to say the least.

I still worry that I am not enough.  I still worry that I won't measure up.  I still worry that there will be a catch...some kind of reason of why I just missed it...or messed it up.  I still worry that I am going to say one too many words or for that matter not say enough.

I suppose that these are the biggest reasons for grace.  Because I will never be enough, have enough, do enough.  The point is that HE is enough...and that takes care of everything.

Because He loves me....I am loved.  I am cared for.  I don't have need of anything.  I am safe.  I am well.  I have peace.  It's not because of what I have done for Him.  It's because He loved me...went out of His way for me...laid down His life for me.  I don't have to worry...because He does not go back on His word...because He meant what He said...because I have been in His heart all along.  I can trust Him....and that is enough.  I don't have to be afraid.

On the Other Side

What happens when the words you have longed to hear, the ones way deep down inside, the ones you never told anyone, what happens when they are suddenly spoken back to you?  What happens when clouds of guilt and shame and fear begin to disappear?  What happens when the timing is finally right and long held prayers are answered...when the waiting is over and a new day begins?  

Inevitably those moments will come...the ones we thought would never really come....the ones on the other side of whatever we have been walking, running, trudging through....asking, why, when, how....where....who....what?  Our defining moments come in the midst of waiting....in the midst of working it out....it is the waiting that prepares us for what is to come.  But when the waiting is over....a new definition is set before our eyes.  We find Him to be the keeper of promises, the creator of dreams, the defender of hope, the author of love....so deep and true....so full and unique.  I am overwhelmed at His goodness....quieted by His faithfulness.

The Psalms say that hope fulfilled is a tree of life....I see that now.  The dreams and desires I have held inside....the plans I have wanted to make....the heart I have wanted to share....they are coming alive again.  Slowly and surely, with surprise and uncommon peace, all of a sudden and altogether, I am looking into eyes that make me sure...I am loved.

If only we understood the great love God has for us,  trusted that He never leaves us,  let Him be the strength where we are weak.  If only we believed that His love was enough.  I am seeing His love in ways I have not seen before.  I am humbled and challenged.  I am full of longing...full of hope...trying to rest in the assurance that everything really is as good as it seems.  

I wish I could put into words how thankful I am.

Breathing In

I am breathing in the autumn air of a Saturday afternoon.  My window is open.  I sit here amongst blankets and pillows.  There are lesson plans to be written, papers to grade, bills to be paid, and all I can do is sit here and enjoy the peace.  The butterfly tree (the one I have mentioned before) shows slight signs of a color change.  And now there seems to be more hummingbirds zipping and zapping through the branches than there are butterflies.  

I have this weekend all to myself....it feels really nice.

29

There is so much we could be passionate about....politics, religion, art, medicine, money, sports, family, God...the list goes on and on.  When I sit down to really think about it, one thing comes to mind, I have been passionate about survival.  No really, I have, and now that I think about it, it's not really a great way to live.  

I went to school in order to get a good job.  I needed that job in order live a life.  And now that I am working, my life is full of time constraints, feelings of guilt for not getting it all done, long hours, etc.  

I am passionate about children, but how much of my day is spent being passionate about them? I get caught up in paperwork, meetings, and curriculum and there is a very small thought, deep down on the inside, that continues to ask, "but what is truly important?"

I watched some videos and read some excerpts from www.bornalivetruth.org tonight.  I was appalled.  I was reminded that all is not as it should be.  I have listened to a close friend struggle through abuse and abandonment, and I know, that all is not as it should be.  I hear about little girls all over the world being passed around as a commodity for sex.  I want to do something about it.  I want girls and women to know that they have a choice....they have hope...that there is more than what they see right now.  I want them to know the love of God.

I am tired of being tired and worn out from chasing after some sense of daily accomplishment. I am tired of not having priorities straight and missing out on the joys of life.  I am tired of only hearing but not walking out the word of God that I know is in my heart to live.

If I could do anything in this 29th year of my life, it would be this...to truly listen to what's important to the Lord, to really know Him above all else, and then to run with Him, to run and not grow weary, to walk and not faint, to rise up with wings like eagles as it says in Isaiah and to share this strength with those the Lord places in my life.  I want to bless His heart.  I want to see change.  I want to walk in love.  Order my steps in this new season, Lord.  Help me to find your joy.

Perfect Love

I have been afraid.

And I didn't even know it.

It started like this...well, maybe I'll skip that part....it's a story all of us have lived at one point or another.  Right?  Some kind of disappointment, some kind of broken promise, some kind of broken heart along the way.

And so I guess at one point or another I had picked up the belief that vulnerability equals rejection.  Enter independence.

It's nice to be on my own.  I don't have anyone to answer to.  I make my own decisions, spend my own money, keep my own thoughts, fill my own time.  I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions.  I don't have to be afraid that I will cause disappointment or disapproval.  I can be my own girl...follow where the wind takes me next.  It's very safe and very lonely all at the same time.

But total independence is not the way we were meant to live.  I had been wondering about that.  I had been asking if I would spend the rest of my life on my own....missing something but not quite able to put my finger on it...hoping for something but never really finding its attainment.  I was about to resign to it...almost feeling better because then at least I wouldn't have to face my imperfections in the reflections of someone else's opinion.  I wouldn't have to risk getting left behind...ever again.

I have been afraid.

And now I am being asked to face this fear...not so much in words but in the events that have come to pass.  I just keep thinking...won't it be nice when I am loved in light of all of my imperfections?  Won't it be nice when I can speak without fear of retaliation?

All this to say.  I look forward to seeing the other side....to knowing the perfect love of God that casts out all fear.  I look forward to believing that love has come to stay.

Grace to Endure

Her phone call came in tonight as I sat in the car with my roomate.  She had already left two messages.  From the tone of her voice I knew that the news would not be good.  There have been few times when I have had heard something hopeful from her end of the phone.  And the thing is, I still contemplate not calling back....as if somehow the news is not important enough for my attention, my time, my concern.  But it is important.  It has more importance than any kind of fear or issue in my own heart.

Her husband...the man who promised to love her almost 9 years ago now...continues to be chained to his consuming drug addiction.  Her son cries himself to sleep over broken promises.  And she, after years of standing by his side, taking the abuse and fighting this addiction, hears from him that he is seeing someone else.  And he is not sorry...in fact, this time, he only brags about his affair.  

I tell her I'm sorry.  And truly I am...for what she is going through, what she has endured, for my own selfishness as I have walked this path with her.  God shows me His grace through her life.  He shows me His faithfulness in the midst of the worst circumstances.  Someday she will be at peace.  Someday she will know love.

When, Lord?  When will you come running to rescue her?  Or is it that you have been rescuing her all along?  I see glimpses of you...I hear the softening in her voice.  Be with her....as you have been with me...rescue her...as you have rescued me.   Give her the grace to endure.

The Wind

I climbed into bed last night hoping for a good night of rest before church in the morning.  It has been a long week....a good week to say the least....but a week so full that I know I need some good rest.  As I began to drift off to sleep I heard the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees outside of my apartment.  The breeze sounded strong as if some type of storm would be passing through.  And in my mind I thought, "Ah, yes, the winds of change."

This is a season of change.  So much has changed in a very short period of time.  I am finding myself drawn to the Lord so strongly.  I am sure that His peace has been guiding and directing the steps that I am taking.  I am sure that I am right where He wants me to be.  It's funny how you can hope for something for what seems like your entire life and then when it comes, along with it comes the realization that this picture is so much bigger, so much more intricately planned, and so desperately reliant on the Lord.

At church this morning, the pastor began to talk about the wind....and the effects of it as it creates debris and removes old, dead branches from large trees.  He compared it to our lives and the wind of God's Spirit.  Using 1 Corinthians 6:9-11....he began to talk about the debris in our lives...the things we used to do, the unhealthy lifestyles, the disappointments, the hurts, etc.  These were the things that kept us from the kingdom of God.  But verse 11 says, "And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God."  

For the past two days I have thought about this very thing.  And I have sensed the Lord asking me if I trust Him.  Of course, I want to say yes right away...because in many ways I do.  In so many ways, I have been able to trust the Him and to let go of the past.  But I think the hardest part is being able to move forward without fear.  If there is any kind of obvious debris in my life I think it would have to do with that.  I don't want to be afraid to love fully and to receive it in return.  I don't want to be afraid to run after what God has put in my heart to do.  I don't want to be afraid of the thoughts of others.  I want to be free of fear.

And so this wind...this refreshing, strong, and steady wind...is blowing through my life.  And I am seeing it's effects.  It is causing those things that should not be here anymore to fall away.  It is clearing the way for new life to begin.  And I am so thankful.

The Whisper

I sat in the middle of Station Inn on Sunday night...a small, hole in the wall, dimly lit, full of tables and mismatched chairs, listening to a group of people who join together on most Sunday nights for the sheer joy of joining their instruments in the sounds of bluegrass.  It was beautiful and reminded me very much of the reason that I came to Nashville.

I'm not sure of a lot of things at this point in life, but there are a few things becoming clearer.  My life has been full of highs and lows.  It has been cluttered with loud and seemingly untamable voices.  Often times I have found myself striving more than I have been at peace. I have been wondering, am I really okay?  Can I really keep walking?  Should I really keep believing?  But Sunday night, as I sat among the tables and chairs, next to a very new friend, I was reminded of the peace of God.  I was reminded that He knows me, He knows my heart, He guides my steps.

I have been looking for a loud and clear sign.  I have been keeping an eye out for bells, whistles and amens from the chorus.  But on Sunday night, I heard His whisper.  

After the wind, the earthquake, and the fire...the whisper...the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.  I'm looking forward to the days ahead.

Centennial Park

Kim and I went to Centennial Park tonight.  I never knew that movie-like parks existed.  First of all...it was beautifully landscaped with green rolling banks and flowers and trees with a replica of the Parthenon in the middle.  Second of all, Shakespeare in the park was putting on their last performance of the summer.  Thirdly, there are double seated swings neatly placed where normally there would be benches.  And, lastly there was dancing.  There were probably at least 300 people gathered around one very large covered dance floor.  Hanging from the ceiling there are colored lanterns and lights.  And the music....is played by a live band...I'm talking at least 20 instruments playing big band music...from swing to rumba to cha-cha, etc.  All generations are there...from small children to grandparents.  Families are having picnics...young people are out on dates...others are wishing they had brought a date, I am sure.  It's one of the most beautiful sights I have seen in Nashville....and it has been going on for 25 years.  There is a dance lesson...a dance competition...food...and just a whole large community of people who love to dance together every Saturday night throughout the summer.

I watched the people thinking about how creative God is.  I mean, he created each and every person.  Have you ever stopped to think about that?  He had us in mind.  He took His time and carefully thought about every part of us.  And so I look around me and I see Him in a whole new way.  I see how much he loves blue eyes, and red hair, and large noses.  I see how he creates tall statures and petite forms.  I see grace and beauty.  I see strength and laughter.  God is so amazingly beautiful to have thought up such a variety of people.  It makes me love Him more. :)

Birthday Wishes

Happy 50th Birthday, Mom!  I love you!!!

Doesn't she look great? :)

With Each New Day

I drive through the city every morning as the sun rises...and lately back through as the sun is setting.  And I am amazed that I am even here.  I'm in Nashville....I'm in Nashville!  I break out laughing or crying and telling the Lord how thankful I am.

I have spent long hours getting my classroom ready.  I arrive around 6:45am ish and leave again around 8pm at night.  Yes, that is way too late....but there is so much to think about...so many things to organize.  I know I'll get the hang of it soon.  I don't feel a weight about it.  I really don't feel that stressed.  It's actually a joy to make this classroom come together....

I have only played out once so far.  The teaching is taking precedence at the moment.  But I have been able to see quite a few shows.  I could see one every night if I wanted to.  And the more shows I see, the more artists I meet...I am convinced that there is something greater to be discovered in my heart concerning this.  I mean, I absolutely love kids.  But more than that...I love the Lord...and I love telling Him and others this very thing through song.

But there is a work going on in my heart.  I have been afraid to be absolutely real....afraid of being vulnerable.  You probably wouldn't notice it if you met me on the street.  It comes in tiny little moments...when I least want it to come, deep down on the inside.  But there it is whispering thoughts of not being good enough, of not having enough, of not deserving the goodness of God.  I suppose that when I give into this lack of confidence it could also be considered pride.  And so I am trusting Him to break me out of this, as He reveals reasons why He alone is enough...His opinion is enough...His provision is enough.  And I think it is good to take this one day at a time...

It's not really about the songs.  It is about Him.  It's not about what I can get here...it's about what He will do...what He has already done.  I am so thankful...

Anything good now...is from Him.  Anything good that will come will be from Him.  I am convinced of His presence in my life....of His joy in this new season.  And with each new day, I am learning to trust in this joy.