My prayer for the new year... to walk confidently with God and to be settled. He draws me back. I want to know HIM. I want those around me to know HIM. And forget the religous red tape, forget it. My struggle this past year has had a lot to do with questions about the heart of God. And truly, He has been faithful even as I have become faithless. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that He makes the crooked places straight. I am thankful that He is who He said He is and that He is patient with me in my search.

Over New Year's I celebrated with a new crowd of people in Baltimore, MD. I was not at church, I was not among Christian friends. I was out in the world with people who were living their lives the best they knew how without the hope that God loved them. And I loved being there. And I asked God, "God, how do you reach these people?" Because within the past few months, even I, with strong roots in Christianity, with a heart towards God, had cause to doubt that this life of faith might be for me. How do you reach a generation of kids who live from hearts that have been hurt and broken and hardened. How in the world do you reach out and give them hope? They commune together in bars and in clubs, they reach for empty, broken, unfulfilling relationships, they listen to driving music that asks the questions but gives no answers. They are driven to succeed, to fill their emptiness with money, power, alcohol, drugs, sex, things, as if somehow the American dream will lead them to peace, to the place they long for but cannot describe. Some do not even know they have need of Him. He is a comfort but He is not their life. A few times, I caught the eyes of this one guy that night. And whenever he was looking at me it was as if he was asking a question. He had a girlfriend, and I was there with his friend so it was not a romantic question. It was as if his heart recognized the Spirit of God. It was as if some sort of exchange was going on that had no need of words. I wonder if he even knew, but I trust that someday he will "know".

O God, show me the way and help me to show others Your way.

..Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
and in the hidden part You will me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice...

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.

Then I will teach trangressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You....

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Psalm 51

Psalm 65

Praise is awaiting you, O God in Zion;

And to You the vow shall be performed.

O You who hear prayer,

To You all flesh will come.

Iniquities prevail against me;

As for our transgressions,

You will provide atonement for them.

Blessed is the man you choose,

And cause to approach You,

That he may dwell in Your courts.

We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,

Of Your holy temple.

By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us,

O God of our salvation,

You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth,

And of the far-off seas;

Who established the mountains by His strength,

Being clothed with pwer;

You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples.

They also who dwell in the farthest parts are afraid of your signs;

You make the outgoings of the morning and evening rejoice.

You visit the earth and water it,

You greatly enrich it;

The river of God is full of water;

You provide their grain,

For so You have prepared it.

You water its ridges abundantly,

You settle its furrows;

You make it soft with showers,

You bless its growth.

You crown the year with Your goodness,

And Your paths drip with abundance.

They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,

And the little hills rejoice on every side.

The pastures are clothed with flocks;

The valleys also are covered with grain;

They shout for joy, they also sing.

Two weeks of vacation flew right by and yet, coming back to this place, I feel like I have been gone for a long time. It's just not the same. I'm not the same.

A new layer in my heart is unfolding, preparing itself to be dealt with. Relationships and friendships are beginning to take different shapes and move around a bit. Because of this, I am feeling insecure and almost hopeless that someday I will find that friend who won't go away. But seriously, at some point, we all go away. And when it comes to that point in our lives where we have to stand with no one else around, how do we deal with that heart wrenching fear of being alone? I hate it, I hate being alone. I've been hiding that simple truth for quite some time. There have been circumstances to distract me...prospects for relationships, the promise of a road trip, busy life stuff. I find it staring me in the face this week. The friends I have counted on are turning their own ways. We are just at that point in life, the point of choosing a road and walking down it without looking back.

Pondering all of this, I remembered how I had connected with Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride. Every relationship she entered into defined who she was, right down to how she liked her eggs cooked for breakfast. Now, I do not claim to be that dependent on another for my opinions. However, I am looking at my past relationships...the fact that I have never dated a Christian, the fact that I have allowed myself to be the victim, the fact that I have compromised my heart time and time again. I want so badly to be accepted for who I am. I want so badly to know that when it comes down to the minute details the other person will not choose to walk away. I want it so badly that I override what I am wanting most of all in order to let the other person know that I love them and accept them, no strings attached. And what happens? We miss one another. He still walks away. And I am left here wondering, who AM I? The memories, the places, the songs, the details...they all follow me, getter under my skin, cause me more grief than when I started.

How in the world do people find one another? How does this love thing work? How do I know what's worth fighting for and what I need to leave behind? I hate leaving those I love behind; I hate being left by them. Ugh.

Belonging...a feeling I have often taken for granted. How good it is to be among friends and family; to be with those who I have held in my heart for so long. I am praying for the moments to slow down. I am praying for answers in this place where God's love is evident and strong. I am praying that I can open my heart and truly enjoy those around me. I am praying. He is close and I remember where I have come from. I remember and I am glad. There is peace in the place.

Home

I felt it again, that twinge in the pit of my stomach. As I sat across from a friend I had not seen in awhile, I was reminded of my spoken standards. I was reminded that I wanted more. I was reminded that there are others who hope for what I have almost given up on. I was reminded that, yes, love is possible. And not only love, but love that comes from knowing God. His is the best love. And yet I have already made a decision. I have an obligation to stick to my word. No, I have not committed my heart as of yet. No, I have not made life altering promises. But I am on the verge and I am afraid of my response when faced with the questions. Should I have said yes? Should I have been so open, so sincere? Where is wisdom and where is compromise? How do I share God's love without making myself vulnerable? As if that was even possible. How do I know when to stay and when to walk away? How do I get back on track? Am I on the right track? I can understand how Israel strayed. I never understood it before, but, now, faced with real life stuff, I can see the choice. Obviously, the choice is God, obviously. But, how and why and where and when?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowlege Him

and He WILL direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5,6

This year is almost at its close. A lot has happened, so much has changed. Out of the ashes, and through the fog, this is what rises up and resonates in my heart... I want to know God. I don't want to "think" that I know Him. I don't want to hide from knowing Him. I don't want to falsely claim that He is who I "hope" He is. I just want to know Him, to be sure and confident of His presence, to be sure and confident of His nature, to be sure and confident in the decisions that I make, to be sure and confident to live out this life He has given me to live. I want to know Him. Let it be so and let everything that stands in the way be moved.

Letting Go

Vivid pictures and emotions rise to the surface of my heart. I see relationships that have gone awry, attached to faces permanently etched into my memory. I see dreams, old, broken, and lost that never came to pass. I see the innocence of childhood and places that I have loved. I see my family and friends, far away, living their lives as they were meant to, as I live here where I was meant to.

Letting go has become a choice. It used to be the after effect of circumstances beyond my control. It used to bring with it a feeling of hopelessness. It used to be a place I returned to over and over again. It used to bring with it confusion, tug of war, and so many questions. But now, now, I am beginning to see a different side of things. Letting go brings freedom. A breathe of fresh air. A reason to see change. A hope for better things to come.

As I walk this path before me, I long for life. A Proverb in the Bible says that hope deffered makes the heart sick, but that hope fulfilled is a tree of life. I have seen many reasons for heartache, but this I know, God will perfect those things which concern me. That alone is my reason to move on and to never look back.

My parent's house in on the market today. This will be our last Christmas at Latta Road. I wonder what the new year will bring and where we will be. It's Saturday morning and I'm contemplating a shopping trip. Only two Saturdays left until Christmas. Two Saturdays until I'm on the long treck back to New York. My roomate just left twenty minutes ago for California...oh, for the days of college when I could go home right after finals! Everyone is heading home. I can count a bunch of close friends and acquaintances who are making permanent trips out of Tulsa. It's time for me to think about leaving too. The season is ending and I no longer want to stay in a place of memories. I keep wondering where to go. NY is not home. OK is not home. Home to me is where the people I care about most are there. But I'm not ready to follow my family to wherever they go. And without someone significant to make the decision with, the task seems larger than it should be.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;

They found no city to dwell in.

Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

And He delivered them out of their distresses.

And He led them forth by the right way,

That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,

And for His wonderful works to the children of men!

For He satisfies the longing soul,

And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107:4-9

So 2 years ago I struggled with a decision. My choice ended up being not to take a chance on someone who was asking me for it. I say it was a struggle because part of me really wanted to be with him, and the other part of me was scared to make that decision. What an idiot I was, like one of those fools tossed back and forth by the waves of the see. Within the past month, I keep thinking to myself, either I have changed, he has changed, or I never really saw what was there. It may be a combination of the three. I am now more willing to make my OWN decisions not based on what others around me would think. I am more willing to follow my heart and take part in a relationship. He seems more settled, more focused, more joyful. And there are parts of him that I know I never really took the time to see.

Here I am now with the opportunity to see what is there. And I see it. I see so much. I love every minute of being with him. And there's only two weeks left.

You know, here is what I am learning. I am learning that you can't force things. The best relationships happen naturally. You have to enjoy the day in front of you. I could sit here and regret my decisions two years ago (and I do). I could sit here and be sad that soon he will be more than 2,000 miles away (and I am). But I would miss the moments of friendship now. I appreciate him more at this point in my life. Maybe it's because I've had a chance to mature a little bit. Maybe it's because I know my time with him is short. Ughh...I don't know. But I do know that what little time I have left, I just have to take it for what it's worth and make the most of it. And even that is scary.

Someday, I hope that the time and place will be right. I still need time to mend and heal from this past year, this I know, though it's hard to admit. I also know that he is about to enter a new season of life, one that I could not compete with and would never wish to. I will wish him well as he leaves, knowing that it's best. But I won't like it, not one little bit. And way deep down I will hope for us to meet again.

This is a copy of the forward most recently sent to me. I really do not like forwards but this one was different and significant today.

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village malls.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering - waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!", we cry.

"When I'm 18."

"When I buy a new Harley."

"When I put the last kid through college."

"When I have paid off the mortgage."

"When I get a promotion."

"When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.

Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.

Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough. -Anonymous

There is much to be thankful for. Much.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you,
come let me love you, come love me again.

Annie's Song - John Denver

This song has been resonating in my head for the past two weeks or so. The words stand out to me as if God Himself were speaking them. "Come let me love you, come love me again." Last night, I had a striking revelation. I don't believe in love anymore. I doubt it's possibility, it's romantic existence in my life, it's power, everything. In the name of guarding and protecting, I have hardened myself. It is no wonder that I have not been able to express what I know is in me to express. It is no wonder that I have only been surviving and skimming the surface. It is no wonder that life's beauty seems so distant, so untouchable, so not for me. Without warning, I have given up.

My roomate and I watched Saved last night. It wasn't the best movie ever, but for some reason, I saw myself in the main character. I saw her heart, I saw her search, I saw how easily she had been deceived. She stood beneath the cross with her hands raised, speaking words that Christians avoid. And as much as I'd like to say that the movie did nothing to portray reality, I cannot escape the fact that tears came to my eyes.

What bothered me the most about this movie was the portrayal of love. Love was not among the so-called Christians, it was found among those who were outcast and immoral. Why is that? I'm not going to elaborate on that question right now, I have too many thoughts and not enought energy to type them all.

I have gone through the past couple of months managing not to "feel" too much. I go through the day pretty normal. I get my jobs done, eat, sleep, call my family, play my guitar, hug my kids. But I know that I am not living from my heart. There is a hardness that has crept in, mostly I think to save face in the midst of so many changes. My roomate commented on my stability in the face of circumstances and I suppose it is true. I have been surviving. But this past weekend the tears began. They began as I watched one of my students play with her dad at our fall party. They continued as I gave up my kitten b/c of allergies. Sunday had tears of emotion as my pastor surprised his wife with a renewing of the vows ceremony; which then turned my heart again to the heartache I have covered over. I just keep looking up and asking God, "What's going on? What are You doing?"

At church on Sunday we talked about the importance of loving without expectation of returned love. Does anyone realize how hard that is? When it comes down to it, is it not almost impossible not to expect at least a little something when we put our hearts out on the line? Well, time to cut the expectations again. Time to love without regret, without hope of holding on or winning the outcome.

God give me the wisdom to know the truth, and give me the courage to walk in it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the right words were said, with just the right person; a moment where your heart said, "yes", and you knew that everything was just as it should be? And what did that moment turn out to be? Was it lasting? Was it everything words spoken had promised it to be? How far did the moment carry?

I was in a moment where everything past and present came to a complete halt. My wandering ceased. My hurts began to heal. My questions began to have answers. I was at peace. So why did it not last? Why did I sense peace in a place that brought only destruction to my heart? It is this question that keeps me up at night. In the quietness of my drive home each day, it is the thought that flashes across my mind. And tonight, as I write, I wonder why I continue to choose the path leading to a broken heart.

In my heart of hearts, I see what he could be. I see the man that I loved before he was ever a man. How do you explain the hidden things that come only through the knowing of the heart? How do tell another that what you see is truth? How do you tell yourself to walk away when you know that there is more left undiscovered? What is this hope that I cling to? False or true? Vain or worthy? Pretentious or humble? What is hope and where should it be applied? If not here, where? When you love someone, is it not without regret, without condition, without circumstance? And does love mean that I should be near him? Or is it possible that my love means more in absence?

God knows my prayers. He knows my desire. I await His answers and I await the revealing of His plan. Only He can know the pain of loving someone enough to let them walk away. But I wonder. What was all of this for? And how much more full and wonderful is love's potential? If I may refer to a fairy tale here, what was it in Beast that drew Beauty? And what was it in Beauty that brought life again to Beast? I want to know. I want to see it. I want to be changed by it.

The air crisp, the days short,

and I am waking up for the winter ahead.

This new season has crept in both quietly and with determination.

I recognize it well,

although circumstances would defer

to say that life could not ever look the same

Comforted with silence

I hear of better days to come.

I had almost forgotten how to sit quietly.

There was work to be done, conversations to be had, music to be played.

But this silence,

this forgotten gift,

this absence of things that would otherwise distract me from my search,

startles me once again.

I am searching for him.

Or rather, I am aware that he is searching for me.

Maybe this time

I will come closer.

Maybe this time my determination will not be dismantled by some other less fulfilling search.

Maybe I have been on the right path all along.

Leaves falling, wind blowing

Season changing

I am me, yet never the same

and he, the constant,

the one who leads me to love.

"What brought life to you today?"

For me, it was when I sat still long enough to watch my kids play in the classroom. I listened to their laughter, soaked in their smiles, listened to their questions, watched their creations. They were full of life.

And the sky was beautiful today. Clouds endless and layered, sun filtered, blue sky bright. The wind was perfect; its breezes calming my heart and caressing my face.

God brought life today through the laughter of children and through the beauty of nature. I felt healing after the shock of what seemed like such an unfair death this past weekend. Someone so young, so well-loved, so striving to get his life straight...shouldn't he have had a chance? I just have to trust that God holds Him now in Heaven and has a purpose beyond these circumstances.

God show my heart the truth. Show me how to live better from here.