Is it possible to walk forward when you do not know which direction is forward? Is forward always the obvious answer? It's time for me to start walking. Time to stop contemplating the consequences if I do make a wrong choice. I need to just make a choice and stick with it. Then, trust that God will right all the things I am sure to screw up along the way. Having "arrived" at one of my arrival points just recently...young and independent with a college degree...I find that I am totally dependent on God and still have a long ways to go. But to where? Where is my real destination? The whole point really is that I am on a journey. But unlike "choose your own adventure" I can't go back and read the book again. I have to choose and totally invest my heart and my life to those things that I do choose. I can't look back. So how do I look forward? That's my question of the evening.

In the midst of holding together a chaotic first grade classroom today I realized that time is a necessary process within the art of teaching. There was no way that smooth transitions and awe inspiring lessons would occur on the first day of class. Today was the my third day with them and I think I almost caught 20 seconds of silence as some kind of information, I assume, was flowing into their little minds. The rest of our time was spent with reminders about talking out of turn and roaming around the classroom and staying on task. Three of them have cried because I held them accountable for their choices. I hate holding them to the consequences more than they hate receiving them. My conscience reminds me, however, that allowing their disobedience of the rules would be hurting them even more.

So when does it happen? When will they be happy to learn the vital information I am required to give them? When will they be ready to set their attention on the lessons I have prepared? How do I turn their entertainment-geared learning tenticles to a direction that teaches them the value of self-motivation and discipline? How do I inspire these young hearts to dig and to search for truth? How do I guide them to solve problems that they deal with every day? My goodness, these kids are only in first grade!

One day at a time. One lesson at a time. One moment. One look. One hug. And somehow, someday I'll be able to teach them what they really need to learn. The information will get through to them not because I told them, but because I built a bridge and showed them how to cross it. A bridge cannot be built in a day. But it can be built. It will be built. God help me build it.

Father, take me up from here
Spirit lead me on

We think we are free until one day God shows up and breaks another chain that held us down. I thought I had left a relationship five years ago, thought that all was done. The truth was that although I had physically and emotionally left, there was a part of my heart that still attached itself to a secret hope. It was so secret in fact that sometimes I forgot it was even there. And then, all of sudden, this relationship resurfaces, and so many questions began.

This relationship began 10 years ago, and although I would never admit it outright, I am sure that I loved him from the very beginning. He got under my skin though, irritated me for the first few years of highschool. But somewhere in there, he grew on me and I cherished his friendship. I didn't want to let him go, so I kissed him and held his hand. I told him I loved him. I remember his tears before he left, and I remember mine. The season of childhood seemed to end too soon.

After highschool, our relationship spiraled downward. I went from a summer of partying into the arms of a God who loved me and who brought the healing I was so desperately needing. He went into the military and became hardened and distant. We had talked about marriage. We had planned our futures together. The dreams died right in front of our eyes.

So as time passed, I moved on. So did he. I did not expect to see him, but I always hoped I would. For awhile I searched for him, tried to find out where he was or what he was up to. Then, I remember telling God that I would stop the search. After all, I had a whole new life, I had given my heart to the Lord. I knew that loving this guy would cause me to compromise the truth that I had come to know.

Four years later, I received a phone call saying that he was searching for me. Hearing his voice after so long...what can I say? All I know was that God used that time to begin a year of reconciliation and restoration. Everything that had caused hurt between us was forgiven. Within that year he became engaged to another girl and it broke my heart. God helped me in that time to truly let go all over again. And then they separated. And somehow, after five years we saw each other face to face. And all the emotion returned.

Imagine that for one day you can go back and relive a day all over again. I got to do that. We talked, we laughed. He held my hand and he kissed me. And at the end of the day, I did not want to let him go.

But I was faced with a choice. I longed to be with him again. Longed for his friendship, to be near to someone so familiar and so comfortable. But He was still searching for God. He was so close. So should I wait it out? Or should I leave him in the hands of God? I chose the latter.

I chose not to stand in the way of Shawn's pain. He offered his love, his heart, his life to me and I had to say no. Because if I said yes, he would not have gone to God to be healed, to be saved. I would have spent the rest of my life trying to lead him to a place that only the Holy Spirit could lead him. It was not my journey to take, it was his. Dear God, I hated to leave him there. But I knew it was right.

I also knew that I would have compromised everything God had placed in front of me...relationships, opportunities, ministry. I was meant for more, for a future and a hope. In all my weakness, there was this quiet voice resounding...wait for the best, wait for His promises.

And so I am. I am waiting for the promises of God. I am walking this path humble and so desparate for His presence. My weaknesses are evident, but God's strength and grace are ever before me. It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect. In those final moments of letting go, there was a chain broken that had been over my life for 10 long years. As I hung up the phone on our last conversation, all I could say through my tears was, "I'm free, I'm free."

Twenty-four oceans
Twenty-four skies
Twenty-four failures
And twenty-four tries
Twenty-four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
With twenty-four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
And I'm not who I thought I was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'

There's twenty-four reasons
To admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
Still twenty-four strong

See, I'm not copping out
Not copping out
Not copping out
When you're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh, I am the second man now
And you're raising these...

Twenty-four voices
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
In twenty-four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing 'Spirit take me up in arms with You'
You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh
I am the second man
Oh, oh
I am the second man now
Oh
I am the second man now
And you're raising the dead in me
Yeah

I wanna see miracles
To see the world change
Wrestled the angel for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing 'Spirit, take me up in arms with You'
And you're raising the dead in me

Twenty-four oceans
With twenty-four hearts
All of my symphonies
With twenty-four parts
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty-four hours ago
Still I'm singing 'Spirit,
take me up in arms with You'
I'm not copping out
Not copping out

Switchfoot

We sat together on a park bench and talked about things we sure of. I told him that aside from God being real I was not quite sure of anything. He agreed. We sat without speaking and after an awkward moment, because we were not used to being silent around one another, I commented on the perfectness of the weather that evening. Again he agreed. When I looked at him his eyes met mine and in that moment, I saw more than I ever expected to see. I knew right then, that I was sure of something else. His friendship was divinely appointed in my life.

On my way
towards you
Not sure of this water beneath my feet
Are my eyes wide open
Or has blindness suffered my ignorance
I'm looking for a new day
Take me there
Sweet presence of God, take me there

Some days, you just keep walking.

I'm changing. Inevitable, I know. This season of my life has been approaching for some time. I have been learning what I am not, and now I am learning what lies in the depths of my heart. For the first time tonight, sharing my heart with someone else did not matter. All I could do was cry out to God. I don't think I could have explained what I was going through to anyone. I don't think I could have been comforted even if they had understood. God was the only one I wanted to hear from. He was the only one who could answer the questions and meet the desires that I could not even fully express. It is Him who will arm me with strength and make my way perfect.

He told me he loved me today. It was in the midst of tears that I heard his words. Because my circumstances now are the results of choices that I have made, they were tears of regret and pain, tears that told of my frustration for the way things had turned out to be.

I want so much to please him. But do I want to please him for my own good or for the mere fact of blessing his heart? Is pleasing him my way of gaining self satisfaction and security or do I really long for him to smile and to feel as if I genuinely care about HIM. "How pure are my motives?" I wonder.

I find every day that I cannot live without him . I have to know what he thinks. I have to hear him laugh. And so, the things that I loved before, the things that I valued are fading. And it hurts.

Because I have made a choice, something has to die. But I would die if I did not choose him. I am sure of that. And today, when he said "I love you", I knew he saw the hurt, I knew he saw the battle for my heart. And then I was sure that he really did love me. Because love sees the hardness and the flaws and the turning away and yet it chooses to press on. Love chooses to continue walking through to the other side. Love is hope for another day, when the hurts will be healed and the choice that seemed wraught with death was the choice that ultimately restored life.

So I decided today, that I would press on. I decided to wait for the promises he has made. In the deaths of this past season he has brought life to me and I can see no other choice but him. I am leaving people and places and desires behind me. But I know that choosing his love is going to be worth it all.

I love him too.

Recently I have reconnected with an old friend. I am unsure of the reason I had for purposely ignoring her for so long. Perhaps I could not bear to express the words I knew she would hear from me. Perhaps I could not find the strength to pick her up and listen to her song. I knew she would not sing if I did not ask her to and although I did not mind her silence, I very much missed her sound.

There was a sound inside of me that I missed. To this day I cannot decide if it was misplaced pride or an overwhelming weakness that kept me from the song I longed to sing. Truthfully, both of these reasons are really one and the same. The first day I picked up my guitar I tried to remember where it was that I had left off. I tried to pick through old songs, I tried to strum. I tried to remember the emotion and the desire. The second day I attempted to discipline myself again to the technicalities of the instrument. I read notes, played scales, memorized extra chords. By the third day I was tired of trying to achieve some sort of excellence. I realized that I could not play alone.

Worship. The definition of this word has changed for me over the past year; or rather my practice of the definition. I cannot play the songs I used to play. I cannot even stir the desire of what used to be there. There is a new song to sing and I am crying out to know His heart. A new season has finally come. As I sit in the secret place, I am training my hands for war.

My birthday is here again and marks the beginning of a whole new season. This season carries the fragrance of something familiar. Yet nothing is the same. I live far away from everything I have known. The people I interact with every day are those who have not seen the past I came from. Five years ago I would have wholeheartedly agreed that God was always with me. But it was not until this month that I realized the faithfulness of His presence in my life. The fragrance I smell and sense all around me is Him. He has been the fragrance that has weaved itself into the fibers of my 24 years. Everything has changed, I am not who I was, my circumstances are not what they were. But He is the same. He has walked with me and has been working all things together for good. Just as a familiar smell will spark a memory and take us to a different place and time, so God has reminded me of His love and His faithfulness. Finally, the season has changed and my heart is open to embrace His presence in my life.

I am growing older yet I still feel young in so many ways. I read a quote the other day that said, "You are still a child. Just face it. Humble yourself and grow under someone who has wisdom, until you have gained a wisdom of your own." For the past seven years I have tried to prove that I was no longer a child. I have tried to prove to others and mainly to myself that I knew everything I needed to know about surviving in life and making it on my own. But the truth is. I don't know anything. I am a child. I need direction and guidance. And so, Father, raise me up. To be who you have called me to be, to go where you have called me to go, to realize your love and to walk in the relationship you have called me to.

Resounding in the depths of my heart is a sound faintly familiar yet fresh as if I had never known it. I am at the point of awakening. A seriousness maintains my attention and hope crackles beneath ashes I thought had grown cold. Have I been here before? I think not, though I have dreamed of a place beyond this point. The light of His presence drowns out realities constructed to my own understanding. What is not of Him vanishes in front of my eyes. I am unsure of days ahead, I am unsure of what I hold in my hands. But HE WILL bring it to pass. He is the truth I cling to, the hope of my life. What He has placed here will remain, will grow, will flourish.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, who does not walk in the counsel of the ungodly, or stand in the way of sinners, or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers. Psalm 1:1-3

When
will you come
When
will I see your face
I long for you
and I am empty
as I wait
I do not know how to draw you
close
or even how to lean in
closer to you
Will you
meet me now
Will you
come fulfill the promises you have made
answer the cries of my heart
I wait
my soul
waits for only you

HOPE
...deferred makes the heart sick.
...fulfilled is a tree of life.

What is my hope?
Where is my hope?
Who is my hope?

"Good, better, best never let it rest, until the good is better and the better best."
Words of my great grandmother. Words that have rung in my ears since using them as a slogan in running for president of my third grade class. I lost the race but never forgot the principle. Now that I look at it though, I wonder, what is it in the good that makes us want to strive for more. And when we get to the more than good, the better, how can we know for sure that better itself is not the best? How many times have I stopped short of the best?

This semester, I stand at a crossroads. I'm looking at "better" on a road that came from good. Better is an easier path. Better means that I can rest for a little while. It means that I can stay familiar with what I see now. "Best", however, has been planted in my heart. "Best" calls my name and sends invitations almost daily. If I leave better now, I cannot come back. In my heart, I know that I must sacrifice the present circumstances that seem to fulfill, for future things that will far outweigh what I am looking at today.

Praise God, that He can make sense out of all of this. :)

My Father has carried my life on a path that unfolds with more meaning than I could ever imagine. But it is not the path that I want to search for anymore. I feel it beneath my feet. I know it is there. Now, my eyes are searching for His eyes. I want to see Him, to behold His beauty.

All that I have hoped for in my short life of 23 years I have not yet fully seen. Little glimpses sometimes, but mostly my dreams remain here, waiting for a breath of life from the great Creator. They are nothing without Him. When I am about to give up, I can't help but think that giving up is the act of taking things into my own hands. So I wait here, I wait for Him to come. And soon...I will learn to overcome.

That which we long for is not far from the place where we might have given up. It is those who wait patiently who overcome. Nothing great is ever accomplished in our own strength, though we may be deceived to think so highly of ourselves. Rather, through admitting our weaknesses and confessing our shortcomings we are redeemed to a greater thing than we might have imagined. Grace becomes the strength that carries our lives, transcending all things and remaining whether or not we are aware of its presence and whether or not we agree with its great wisdom.

Today, I stand in awe of His grace.

Even if we never expected our walk with God to be easy, why has the difficulty always come as a surprise? When do our hearts find the fullness of the promise? Sure, eventually it will come to pass. What happens though if our own choices keep us from the days that we have waited for? That is the question I am faced with now. It stares me in the face every time I look up.

Destiny has been watching me from the fishbowl. I look at her everyday. I feed her and keep her water clean. I talk to her, talk about her and she seems to respond. But she is silent. I can walk away right now and forget for a little while that she is there. One night I forgot that she needed to be fed at all. She survived. Amazing that such a small goldfish can speak volumes to my life.

Inspire

I found out yesterday while helping my employer sort through his handwritten chapter on the working of the lungs that "inspire" is actually a medical term, opposite to the term expire, which means to exhale.

Its definition: "To fill the lungs with air".

As I sit here tonight, I realize that the events of the past couple of weeks are not what I thought them to be. Perspective can change over time and for that I am glad. I am glad that I did not take matters into my own hands when I wanted to the most. I am glad that there is grace to cover over the wrong decisions that I have made. Most of all, I am glad for the vision that is being brought to the surface of my heart. All of sudden, when there is resistance I find myself pushing for more. From the depths of my soul comes a defense mechanism to protect a destiny that I did not create. But it is my destiny none the less and I want to embrace it with all that I am. My destiny is Him. I want nothing else but to walk with my Father and to know that I have pleased His heart.