They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;

They found no city to dwell in.

Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

And He delivered them out of their distresses.

And He led them forth by the right way,

That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,

And for His wonderful works to the children of men!

For He satisfies the longing soul,

And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107:4-9

So 2 years ago I struggled with a decision. My choice ended up being not to take a chance on someone who was asking me for it. I say it was a struggle because part of me really wanted to be with him, and the other part of me was scared to make that decision. What an idiot I was, like one of those fools tossed back and forth by the waves of the see. Within the past month, I keep thinking to myself, either I have changed, he has changed, or I never really saw what was there. It may be a combination of the three. I am now more willing to make my OWN decisions not based on what others around me would think. I am more willing to follow my heart and take part in a relationship. He seems more settled, more focused, more joyful. And there are parts of him that I know I never really took the time to see.

Here I am now with the opportunity to see what is there. And I see it. I see so much. I love every minute of being with him. And there's only two weeks left.

You know, here is what I am learning. I am learning that you can't force things. The best relationships happen naturally. You have to enjoy the day in front of you. I could sit here and regret my decisions two years ago (and I do). I could sit here and be sad that soon he will be more than 2,000 miles away (and I am). But I would miss the moments of friendship now. I appreciate him more at this point in my life. Maybe it's because I've had a chance to mature a little bit. Maybe it's because I know my time with him is short. Ughh...I don't know. But I do know that what little time I have left, I just have to take it for what it's worth and make the most of it. And even that is scary.

Someday, I hope that the time and place will be right. I still need time to mend and heal from this past year, this I know, though it's hard to admit. I also know that he is about to enter a new season of life, one that I could not compete with and would never wish to. I will wish him well as he leaves, knowing that it's best. But I won't like it, not one little bit. And way deep down I will hope for us to meet again.

This is a copy of the forward most recently sent to me. I really do not like forwards but this one was different and significant today.

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village malls.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering - waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!", we cry.

"When I'm 18."

"When I buy a new Harley."

"When I put the last kid through college."

"When I have paid off the mortgage."

"When I get a promotion."

"When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.

Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.

Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough. -Anonymous

There is much to be thankful for. Much.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you,
come let me love you, come love me again.

Annie's Song - John Denver

This song has been resonating in my head for the past two weeks or so. The words stand out to me as if God Himself were speaking them. "Come let me love you, come love me again." Last night, I had a striking revelation. I don't believe in love anymore. I doubt it's possibility, it's romantic existence in my life, it's power, everything. In the name of guarding and protecting, I have hardened myself. It is no wonder that I have not been able to express what I know is in me to express. It is no wonder that I have only been surviving and skimming the surface. It is no wonder that life's beauty seems so distant, so untouchable, so not for me. Without warning, I have given up.

My roomate and I watched Saved last night. It wasn't the best movie ever, but for some reason, I saw myself in the main character. I saw her heart, I saw her search, I saw how easily she had been deceived. She stood beneath the cross with her hands raised, speaking words that Christians avoid. And as much as I'd like to say that the movie did nothing to portray reality, I cannot escape the fact that tears came to my eyes.

What bothered me the most about this movie was the portrayal of love. Love was not among the so-called Christians, it was found among those who were outcast and immoral. Why is that? I'm not going to elaborate on that question right now, I have too many thoughts and not enought energy to type them all.

I have gone through the past couple of months managing not to "feel" too much. I go through the day pretty normal. I get my jobs done, eat, sleep, call my family, play my guitar, hug my kids. But I know that I am not living from my heart. There is a hardness that has crept in, mostly I think to save face in the midst of so many changes. My roomate commented on my stability in the face of circumstances and I suppose it is true. I have been surviving. But this past weekend the tears began. They began as I watched one of my students play with her dad at our fall party. They continued as I gave up my kitten b/c of allergies. Sunday had tears of emotion as my pastor surprised his wife with a renewing of the vows ceremony; which then turned my heart again to the heartache I have covered over. I just keep looking up and asking God, "What's going on? What are You doing?"

At church on Sunday we talked about the importance of loving without expectation of returned love. Does anyone realize how hard that is? When it comes down to it, is it not almost impossible not to expect at least a little something when we put our hearts out on the line? Well, time to cut the expectations again. Time to love without regret, without hope of holding on or winning the outcome.

God give me the wisdom to know the truth, and give me the courage to walk in it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the right words were said, with just the right person; a moment where your heart said, "yes", and you knew that everything was just as it should be? And what did that moment turn out to be? Was it lasting? Was it everything words spoken had promised it to be? How far did the moment carry?

I was in a moment where everything past and present came to a complete halt. My wandering ceased. My hurts began to heal. My questions began to have answers. I was at peace. So why did it not last? Why did I sense peace in a place that brought only destruction to my heart? It is this question that keeps me up at night. In the quietness of my drive home each day, it is the thought that flashes across my mind. And tonight, as I write, I wonder why I continue to choose the path leading to a broken heart.

In my heart of hearts, I see what he could be. I see the man that I loved before he was ever a man. How do you explain the hidden things that come only through the knowing of the heart? How do tell another that what you see is truth? How do you tell yourself to walk away when you know that there is more left undiscovered? What is this hope that I cling to? False or true? Vain or worthy? Pretentious or humble? What is hope and where should it be applied? If not here, where? When you love someone, is it not without regret, without condition, without circumstance? And does love mean that I should be near him? Or is it possible that my love means more in absence?

God knows my prayers. He knows my desire. I await His answers and I await the revealing of His plan. Only He can know the pain of loving someone enough to let them walk away. But I wonder. What was all of this for? And how much more full and wonderful is love's potential? If I may refer to a fairy tale here, what was it in Beast that drew Beauty? And what was it in Beauty that brought life again to Beast? I want to know. I want to see it. I want to be changed by it.

The air crisp, the days short,

and I am waking up for the winter ahead.

This new season has crept in both quietly and with determination.

I recognize it well,

although circumstances would defer

to say that life could not ever look the same

Comforted with silence

I hear of better days to come.

I had almost forgotten how to sit quietly.

There was work to be done, conversations to be had, music to be played.

But this silence,

this forgotten gift,

this absence of things that would otherwise distract me from my search,

startles me once again.

I am searching for him.

Or rather, I am aware that he is searching for me.

Maybe this time

I will come closer.

Maybe this time my determination will not be dismantled by some other less fulfilling search.

Maybe I have been on the right path all along.

Leaves falling, wind blowing

Season changing

I am me, yet never the same

and he, the constant,

the one who leads me to love.

"What brought life to you today?"

For me, it was when I sat still long enough to watch my kids play in the classroom. I listened to their laughter, soaked in their smiles, listened to their questions, watched their creations. They were full of life.

And the sky was beautiful today. Clouds endless and layered, sun filtered, blue sky bright. The wind was perfect; its breezes calming my heart and caressing my face.

God brought life today through the laughter of children and through the beauty of nature. I felt healing after the shock of what seemed like such an unfair death this past weekend. Someone so young, so well-loved, so striving to get his life straight...shouldn't he have had a chance? I just have to trust that God holds Him now in Heaven and has a purpose beyond these circumstances.

God show my heart the truth. Show me how to live better from here.

Death came so quickly, friend. I will miss you.

Shall we gather at the river,

Where bright angels he has brought,

With it's crystal tides forever

Flowing by the throne of God
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,That flows by the throne of God
Ere we reach the shining river

Lay we every burden down,

Praise our spirits will deliver

And provide our robe and crown.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God
Soon we'll reach the shining river,

Soon our pilgimage will cease,

Soon our happy hearts will quiver

With the melody of peace.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God.

~Robert Lowry~

It's been awhile...
All is well. Driving home from work the other day I realized that much of the weight has been lifted. What a relief. The past seems really to have passed. At the same time, I do not deny that there are issues below the surface that God is dealing with...heart issues. Although the initial pain is gone, I know that more healing is bound to be on the way. And for that, I am glad. God is good.

Driving home from work today, I was exhausted. I thought about how much I was looking forward to the weekend. I thought about how I would sleep in and get caught up on some much needed rest, cleaning, and shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and stopped to grab my mail near the front entrance gate. I grabbed the mail, walked back out to the car, and then, one of those moments that you expect to happen but never know is really coming, came. A Honda Civic pulled into the parking lot in front of me. Not uncommon, but when I looked at his face it was one that I had never wanted to see again. My weekend would not be what I had hoped.

What the hell? I had a few choice words as I prayed under my breath.

No, it wasn't Shawn. It was a guy I had shut the door on 5 years ago. He "heard" from the Lord that we were supposed to get married. I did NOT hear the same thing and told him so. I have told him so...over and over and over again. Recently (for the past year) I have ignored him. And yet, he still sends flowers, letters, long letters. Nothing seems to deter him. Flattering? No. Disturbing, yes.

My heart has gone from one extreme to the next. It's like a test of my temperment. With Shawn I was vulnerable, sweet, interested. With this guy, I am disinterested, hard hearted, ungrateful.

My God, my heart must lie in the midst of this somewhere.

No, now that I think more about it, proving my own legitimacy with God was not the reason that I stayed with him. I really and truly loved him. I wanted it to work out. But it didn't.

Now what? I am faced with questions. Do I answer them or let them float around the mystery that is my heart? If I try and explain it away, he is wrong...I am right...and the world I live in does not change.

I don't even like to talk about it anymore. The only reason it ever comes up is so that I can prove that I wasn't a total idiot in the situation. I mean, why else do we feel the need to retell our break up stories?

I keep praying for his healing...the deep healing I know that he needs. He has been hurting for more years than I have known him, and I have only tasted the backlash of that pain. But the truth is, I am hurting too. I forget that there are wounds I need to tend to here. I forget that I know the Healer. And I am walking around with masking tape to cover my own brokeness. Every day, I wake up and I try to forget. But forgetting is not the same as restoring.

I can feel the hardness begin to creep in as I turn up the radio to drown the sorrows of my heart. The beat is fast, the music driving, the words cutting and precise...I feel stronger.

But I am not strong, Lord. I am weak. Take me up from here and help me to move on. Show me the way to go.

Sitting out on my balcony tonight I began the basic run down of what had gone wrong. My thoughts began with the question, "why did he push me away?" He told me that he didn't have the capacity to meet the needs that I had. He told me that it wasn't worth his time and energy. Shocking. Mostly because those same words had been supposedly preempted with "I love you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life of you". How does that balance out? Yeah, still wondering about that. Anyways, I felt as if he was being selfish. I was hurt that he could say he loved me and then go on and not prove it with his actions. It was then that I began to piece together a pattern that I had seen all along. I realized...he doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't even know how to love himself. Therefore, how could he reach out and love me or anyone else for that matter? He works so hard to prove to everyone that he can take care of things, that he doesn't need anyone to do it for him. And at the end of the day, he is alone.

But my thoughts and ultimate conversation with Lord went on from there. I began to think about why it was so important that Shawn and I stay together. Why was it so important that things work themselves out? Of course, I loved him. Of course I wanted to see good things for him. Of course I wanted him to walk out his life with joy and abundance and peace. But there was more. I saw a pattern in my own life. I wanted to see him saved because that meant that my testimony meant something. His salvation meant that all was not in vain. His salvation justified that my walk with the Lord was right and good. Wow.

Talk about raw honesty here...I don't even believe in myself and in my own walk with the Lord.

I have about three good friends, Shawn included, that I have prayed for for years. I am still waiting to see them come into the kingdom. I know that they will. I guess the question lies in this, will I trust God to help them run their race? Will I trust God to continue to work in their lives as I move on in my own. Will I trust Him as I let go? Because the truth is that they belong to Him. The truth is that I have to move on.

I have my own race to run.
Lord, help me to believe You. Help me to believe in me again.

"The fact is, at this point in our journey, we have only three options: 1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted." (The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge)

From The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge: "One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way...'Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet posssessing everything' (2 Cor. 6:10)..If we will remain open to sorrow, we can know joy. Somehow being empty allows us to make others rich. And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising-that all is ours...Once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release." The author of this book says that there are two things that pierce our hearts...affliction and beauty. He goes on to say that beauty is what heals our hearts after great affliction. I took a walk today and looked up at the blue sky. I smelled the greenery of the landscape where I live. I felt the warm breeze of a cooler August day. I felt better, not so caged in by the agony of the past few days. I remember that seven years ago, when I was going through the very same heartache, the only thing that gave me any sense of hope was finding a patch of blue sky to focus on. I have no idea why it made me feel better. I just knew that if the sky could show some sort of clearing, that so too my heart could find a way to be clear of the gloom that surrounded it. My heart aches at the thought of the past six weeks, the past 10 years. I wanted it so badly, wanted it to finally work, wanted to see the miracle I was sure of. A few weeks ago, I was glad that I had found freedom to live my life. Today, I am still glad. The pain is an indicator that I am alive, that I am still able to feel. And although what I had thought was a sure thing was not, I am sure that God has had a plan all along. I am sure that God is restoring my heart. I am sure the He will do as He promised and make all things new.

Resilience
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Resilient
1 : Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.
2 : Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

http://dictionary.reference.com/

I watched The Notebook last night with my roomate and another friend. Yes, it was a chic flick. Yes, I did shed a few tears (which surprisingly does not happen too often). I made a connection with the storyline though: two people fall in love as teenagers, are separated by life circumstances, and then find each other again at just the right time.

The movie is told from the perspective of an old and gray couple who are experiencing their last days. I have hardly seen such a beautiful portrayal onscreen of lifelong love...true love. It was weird, there were lines in this movie that I have said myself, there were moments that I have lived. And they were not just the romantic, goosebump moments. They were the painful, heartbreaking moments. The ones where, if you aren't living in the movie, you think you are seeing the end of the relationship.

Which brings me to my point. Love, true love, pure in form and created by God, is resilient. I didn't think about that word until tonight when I hung up the phone. For about a week I have been feeling hopeless. I'm having a hard time not giving up. But the truth is, this thing has lasted through years of circumstance and changes. It has risen from the dead when I thought life could no longer exist. He is the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. When I am old and gray it is his hand that I want to hold. And so I have to trust that this love will be enough to hold us in the days to come.

God, you are love. Hold us and lead us as we walk out our days.

I had forgotten that the act of following our hearts is full of risk and consequences. I had forgotten until just this week how raw and vulnerable I could actually feel.

My reality is questioned on all sides. I stand alone, knowing the direction that I have wanted to take and straining to see if that is really where I am headed. My greatest strength and weakness lie in the same place. I dream beautiful dreams and then believe that they will surely come to pass. And it's not that I am a hopeless romantic full of fairy tale ideas that will never come true. It's not that I feel the need for something flawless and perfect. I just want the best.

I have walked away from the church, and found that I am only a child in my walk with God. And I have trusted a heart that may not be trustworthy at all. I am not even going to contemplate the choices I have made recently. I am not going to live in regret. I went forward with a full heart and I will continue to do so. It's only that...I am remembering the pains of a struggle I faced long ago. I felt sure that all would be different this time. And it might be that all will turn out better than I can see right now. But it looks empty and dark in this room.