I went to mass with my friend J. tonight, and I must say that some parts of it were very refreshing. Since leaving the small church I attended about this time last year I have stood back and looked at the experience of church in a whole new light. Sometimes, I am drastically bored and at other times I am extremely touched. Mostly though, I find that church is not so normal or comfortable anymore and I find myself searching for the place I once knew as a child...though I doubt it will ever be the same. Tonight, I was not really searching, just tagging along because I had been invited.

I love the reverence that is practiced at Catholic services, though at times the religiousity seems a bit much. But really, I look at what is going on outwardly and I long for that reverence to be found in my own heart. It seems to me that during a Catholic church service, the people sing and repeat such powerful words and I wonder if they even know it. I am often moved to tears (this isn't the first time I have been to mass) by the simplicity and the pointedness of the prayers and recitations and scripture readings. It is as if I am allowed to focus more on the words in the message rather than on how the message is being delivered to me.

After eucharist was served this evening there seemed to be such an intimacy in the chapel. In all of my visits to Catholic churches this was the first time I have ever noticed such a difference. I was sad that I was not Catholic and therefore had not been permitted to take part in the elements. (I mean, they couldn't really know, of course, whether or not I was Catholic, but J. knew, and judging by how I didn't know any of the practices I most likely stood out as an "outsider".) Nonetheless, I was touched by the intimacy of the service. At the end, the priest came and knelt before the altar and for about two minutes there was complete silence in the chapel as we bowed our heads in prayer. How cleansing, prayer without noise, without music, without voices...complete silence aside from a random person's cough here or there. I left the chapel thinking, church should be more like this...contemplative, simple, sincere.