Who's in control?

I think I need to start carrying a notebook with me. All through the day I think of things to write about. And then I sit here, in front of my computer, and not a thought comes to mind.

Today was tough. Thursdays seem to be that way. I actually stood in my classroom before lunch and prayed out loud. "Lord, help me to make it through this day. Lord, help me to get these kids in order. I don't know how. Bring peace because I don't know how to bring it." I think the kids thought I was talking to myself. They proceeded to raise their hands for the quiet signal and actually got themselves to quiet down. One of my little girls said, "Miss T., just raise your hand so they'll be quiet." I listened to her. :) I was on the verge of tears. Then this afternoon, it was just chaotic...a quiet chaos...but chaos nonetheless. And wouldn't you know that that is when the reading coach came in to observe my classroom? I spent 45 minutes getting the kids ready to go home. Well, tomorrow is another day...

I sat in my classroom at the end of the day Tuesday and began to feel a strange flutter way deep down inside. "Could it be that I am starting to love these children?" I asked myself. And not just love them because they're kids and that's my job, but really, truly care about their lives. 26 little minds and hearts. They are full of the anger, hurt and predjudice passed down through their parents. And there the struggle lies because they are also full of love, a desire to be useful, a desire for purpose, talents, laughter, and ideas. So my personal struggle is this...I want to solve their problems, bring peace where there is chaos, train them to love instead of hate. I want to teach them to succeed and grow and become independent thinkers and learners. And I just don't know how!!! I want to know how. But do I want to struggle as they struggle?

I am finding myself in situations of predjudice and judgement and inferiority. I am finding that my pride is being taken down. I am find a new place for humility to plant itself. I am finding that I am not always right and that people are going to point out that I am not right. I am finding that even if I am right people will not see my point of view. I am learning how to stick up for myself. I am developing a thicker skin than I ever thought I'd need, but have always secretly longed for. And in the midst of it all...God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. And really it's not about me anyways. It is ALL about His plans and purposes for these little ones and for me.

If I could
wrap my arms around it,
it would seem too small, too comprehendable.
If I could
reach out to touch its surface,
it might appear to be movable, and somewhat controlled.
But there it lingers, beyond my reach, too wide for my embrace
And I do not understand how it draws upon my heart.
So I surrender to His touch and rest in His embrace
To bring me to the place of understanding
A place where I walk in love.