Help Wanted

It is a curious thing how one can go from independence to total reliance. I do not think I am reliant enough on the Lord by any means. In fact, I think most of the time I am trying to prove that I have got it together enough just to please His heart...as if the measure of my effort is helping Him out in some sort of way...or earning His love and respect. And honestly, I think it is the measured effort that has caused me to push God away so many times and turn my eyes from what is truly important. I think all that He really wants is to hear that we want Him...that we need Him...that we can't wait to be with Him. Because that is what He is saying to us.

If we would just sit with Him. If we would just plan time with Him. If we would just be open with Him and share our hearts. If we would just stop trying to live as if we could make it on our own. "Look, God, I can survive!" "Look I can do it all by myself!" Granted, there is joy in finding new strength and ability. But to then take that joy and keep it only to ourselves? How sad He must feel...when He gives a gift but cannot share in the enjoyment of the gift. How sad He must feel to give dreams and visions to only become an afterthought in the undertaking of the very things He created.

More and more I feel myself moving from independence into reliance. My life not only affects others, but it is affected by them. It makes me feel vulnerable. What if I make a mistake? Will the whole thing fall apart? Will the others eventually go away when seeing that my need is too great? I don't know how to rely on someone else. I don't know how to trust that someone else could take my feelings and my heart and care for it the way I hope it would be cared for. We all want to be cared for, do we not? And in the same token, we all want to have someone to give our own affections and attention to. But when that time comes...and here it is coming for me...it is so different to say that the want has now turned into need. I need this love in my life. I need this patience. I need to know everything is going to be okay. I need to know that I am allowed to mess up. I need to know that my words and actions make a difference. It is a realm I am not used to...a realm I never thought I would get the chance to enter...hoped to...but honestly doubted many times. It is a realm that asks for my trust...my dependence on the love of someone else.

It feels really good to be needed. And because of that...I am trying to show my need as well. I am trying to make sure that I do not look as if I want to make it on my own. I have tried it all on my own...it's okay, but it is also lonely. I am finally seeing the fulfillment of someone I have needed for a very long time. I don't want it to go away. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I am sure that God feels the same way about us. He became vulnerable so that we could be with Him too. I'm going to try to trust Him better...because I think that will help me to trust more in every area of my life.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." {Ecclesiastes 4:9-12}

Obama

I just spent 2 hours watching all of these videos tonight. They are well worth the time. You can see the hearts of both coming through a bit clearer than the most recent televised debates. If you have some time..take a look.

McCain

Election

It's been hard...I see things on both sides...good and bad.  In spite of this, I am pretty sure that I have come to a decision.

Looking Back

One year ago this is where I was....

October

It's amazing to me that so much could be the same...even after a year of working it out.

Hebrews 12:1-13

1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
4In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:
"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."[a]
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
12Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 13"Make level paths for your feet,"[b] so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

The Life of a Teacher

My how the times have changed. I am especially concerned about #4 and #8.

A Perfect Day

I didn't want today to end.

I felt alive...I felt home

I remembered who I was 

I remembered what I wanted

I remembered my dreams

and I was thankful

For this place

For this new love

For having a sister

Who reminds me of what I know

We were at peace with each other

At peace with the world

Every obstacle held back or removed

We breathed in 

thoughts of life, love, home, children

as laughter ran between us

we ran our hands over treasures

dreamed of days to come

And I quietly hoped that one day she wouldn't be so far away

If only every day was like today

If only every day romanced our hearts

reminded us of who we are

Every girl needs a sister

Every girl needs an Alyssa

She is beautiful

She makes me feel beautiful

Into the UnKnown

You have been in my heart

One day at a time

As if no time had passed

As if page one

Spoke of all our days to come

You have been in my heart

Now one day is too long

As if time stopped without you

And has begun

Only when you are near

I did not know

I was missing you

Until your eyes met mine

Until you pulled me in

Now I cannot let you go

With one word

one taste of your relentless love

I am washed with hope

Chased by desire

With all the love in my heart

I am longing to run with you

Into the unknown...

No Fear

How do you return love when your own resources are so small in comparison to the one who loved you first?  It is humbling to say the least.

I still worry that I am not enough.  I still worry that I won't measure up.  I still worry that there will be a catch...some kind of reason of why I just missed it...or messed it up.  I still worry that I am going to say one too many words or for that matter not say enough.

I suppose that these are the biggest reasons for grace.  Because I will never be enough, have enough, do enough.  The point is that HE is enough...and that takes care of everything.

Because He loves me....I am loved.  I am cared for.  I don't have need of anything.  I am safe.  I am well.  I have peace.  It's not because of what I have done for Him.  It's because He loved me...went out of His way for me...laid down His life for me.  I don't have to worry...because He does not go back on His word...because He meant what He said...because I have been in His heart all along.  I can trust Him....and that is enough.  I don't have to be afraid.

On the Other Side

What happens when the words you have longed to hear, the ones way deep down inside, the ones you never told anyone, what happens when they are suddenly spoken back to you?  What happens when clouds of guilt and shame and fear begin to disappear?  What happens when the timing is finally right and long held prayers are answered...when the waiting is over and a new day begins?  

Inevitably those moments will come...the ones we thought would never really come....the ones on the other side of whatever we have been walking, running, trudging through....asking, why, when, how....where....who....what?  Our defining moments come in the midst of waiting....in the midst of working it out....it is the waiting that prepares us for what is to come.  But when the waiting is over....a new definition is set before our eyes.  We find Him to be the keeper of promises, the creator of dreams, the defender of hope, the author of love....so deep and true....so full and unique.  I am overwhelmed at His goodness....quieted by His faithfulness.

The Psalms say that hope fulfilled is a tree of life....I see that now.  The dreams and desires I have held inside....the plans I have wanted to make....the heart I have wanted to share....they are coming alive again.  Slowly and surely, with surprise and uncommon peace, all of a sudden and altogether, I am looking into eyes that make me sure...I am loved.

If only we understood the great love God has for us,  trusted that He never leaves us,  let Him be the strength where we are weak.  If only we believed that His love was enough.  I am seeing His love in ways I have not seen before.  I am humbled and challenged.  I am full of longing...full of hope...trying to rest in the assurance that everything really is as good as it seems.  

I wish I could put into words how thankful I am.

Breathing In

I am breathing in the autumn air of a Saturday afternoon.  My window is open.  I sit here amongst blankets and pillows.  There are lesson plans to be written, papers to grade, bills to be paid, and all I can do is sit here and enjoy the peace.  The butterfly tree (the one I have mentioned before) shows slight signs of a color change.  And now there seems to be more hummingbirds zipping and zapping through the branches than there are butterflies.  

I have this weekend all to myself....it feels really nice.

29

There is so much we could be passionate about....politics, religion, art, medicine, money, sports, family, God...the list goes on and on.  When I sit down to really think about it, one thing comes to mind, I have been passionate about survival.  No really, I have, and now that I think about it, it's not really a great way to live.  

I went to school in order to get a good job.  I needed that job in order live a life.  And now that I am working, my life is full of time constraints, feelings of guilt for not getting it all done, long hours, etc.  

I am passionate about children, but how much of my day is spent being passionate about them? I get caught up in paperwork, meetings, and curriculum and there is a very small thought, deep down on the inside, that continues to ask, "but what is truly important?"

I watched some videos and read some excerpts from www.bornalivetruth.org tonight.  I was appalled.  I was reminded that all is not as it should be.  I have listened to a close friend struggle through abuse and abandonment, and I know, that all is not as it should be.  I hear about little girls all over the world being passed around as a commodity for sex.  I want to do something about it.  I want girls and women to know that they have a choice....they have hope...that there is more than what they see right now.  I want them to know the love of God.

I am tired of being tired and worn out from chasing after some sense of daily accomplishment. I am tired of not having priorities straight and missing out on the joys of life.  I am tired of only hearing but not walking out the word of God that I know is in my heart to live.

If I could do anything in this 29th year of my life, it would be this...to truly listen to what's important to the Lord, to really know Him above all else, and then to run with Him, to run and not grow weary, to walk and not faint, to rise up with wings like eagles as it says in Isaiah and to share this strength with those the Lord places in my life.  I want to bless His heart.  I want to see change.  I want to walk in love.  Order my steps in this new season, Lord.  Help me to find your joy.

Perfect Love

I have been afraid.

And I didn't even know it.

It started like this...well, maybe I'll skip that part....it's a story all of us have lived at one point or another.  Right?  Some kind of disappointment, some kind of broken promise, some kind of broken heart along the way.

And so I guess at one point or another I had picked up the belief that vulnerability equals rejection.  Enter independence.

It's nice to be on my own.  I don't have anyone to answer to.  I make my own decisions, spend my own money, keep my own thoughts, fill my own time.  I don't have to worry about anyone else's opinions.  I don't have to be afraid that I will cause disappointment or disapproval.  I can be my own girl...follow where the wind takes me next.  It's very safe and very lonely all at the same time.

But total independence is not the way we were meant to live.  I had been wondering about that.  I had been asking if I would spend the rest of my life on my own....missing something but not quite able to put my finger on it...hoping for something but never really finding its attainment.  I was about to resign to it...almost feeling better because then at least I wouldn't have to face my imperfections in the reflections of someone else's opinion.  I wouldn't have to risk getting left behind...ever again.

I have been afraid.

And now I am being asked to face this fear...not so much in words but in the events that have come to pass.  I just keep thinking...won't it be nice when I am loved in light of all of my imperfections?  Won't it be nice when I can speak without fear of retaliation?

All this to say.  I look forward to seeing the other side....to knowing the perfect love of God that casts out all fear.  I look forward to believing that love has come to stay.

Grace to Endure

Her phone call came in tonight as I sat in the car with my roomate.  She had already left two messages.  From the tone of her voice I knew that the news would not be good.  There have been few times when I have had heard something hopeful from her end of the phone.  And the thing is, I still contemplate not calling back....as if somehow the news is not important enough for my attention, my time, my concern.  But it is important.  It has more importance than any kind of fear or issue in my own heart.

Her husband...the man who promised to love her almost 9 years ago now...continues to be chained to his consuming drug addiction.  Her son cries himself to sleep over broken promises.  And she, after years of standing by his side, taking the abuse and fighting this addiction, hears from him that he is seeing someone else.  And he is not sorry...in fact, this time, he only brags about his affair.  

I tell her I'm sorry.  And truly I am...for what she is going through, what she has endured, for my own selfishness as I have walked this path with her.  God shows me His grace through her life.  He shows me His faithfulness in the midst of the worst circumstances.  Someday she will be at peace.  Someday she will know love.

When, Lord?  When will you come running to rescue her?  Or is it that you have been rescuing her all along?  I see glimpses of you...I hear the softening in her voice.  Be with her....as you have been with me...rescue her...as you have rescued me.   Give her the grace to endure.

The Wind

I climbed into bed last night hoping for a good night of rest before church in the morning.  It has been a long week....a good week to say the least....but a week so full that I know I need some good rest.  As I began to drift off to sleep I heard the sounds of the wind blowing through the trees outside of my apartment.  The breeze sounded strong as if some type of storm would be passing through.  And in my mind I thought, "Ah, yes, the winds of change."

This is a season of change.  So much has changed in a very short period of time.  I am finding myself drawn to the Lord so strongly.  I am sure that His peace has been guiding and directing the steps that I am taking.  I am sure that I am right where He wants me to be.  It's funny how you can hope for something for what seems like your entire life and then when it comes, along with it comes the realization that this picture is so much bigger, so much more intricately planned, and so desperately reliant on the Lord.

At church this morning, the pastor began to talk about the wind....and the effects of it as it creates debris and removes old, dead branches from large trees.  He compared it to our lives and the wind of God's Spirit.  Using 1 Corinthians 6:9-11....he began to talk about the debris in our lives...the things we used to do, the unhealthy lifestyles, the disappointments, the hurts, etc.  These were the things that kept us from the kingdom of God.  But verse 11 says, "And that is what some of you were.  But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God."  

For the past two days I have thought about this very thing.  And I have sensed the Lord asking me if I trust Him.  Of course, I want to say yes right away...because in many ways I do.  In so many ways, I have been able to trust the Him and to let go of the past.  But I think the hardest part is being able to move forward without fear.  If there is any kind of obvious debris in my life I think it would have to do with that.  I don't want to be afraid to love fully and to receive it in return.  I don't want to be afraid to run after what God has put in my heart to do.  I don't want to be afraid of the thoughts of others.  I want to be free of fear.

And so this wind...this refreshing, strong, and steady wind...is blowing through my life.  And I am seeing it's effects.  It is causing those things that should not be here anymore to fall away.  It is clearing the way for new life to begin.  And I am so thankful.

The Whisper

I sat in the middle of Station Inn on Sunday night...a small, hole in the wall, dimly lit, full of tables and mismatched chairs, listening to a group of people who join together on most Sunday nights for the sheer joy of joining their instruments in the sounds of bluegrass.  It was beautiful and reminded me very much of the reason that I came to Nashville.

I'm not sure of a lot of things at this point in life, but there are a few things becoming clearer.  My life has been full of highs and lows.  It has been cluttered with loud and seemingly untamable voices.  Often times I have found myself striving more than I have been at peace. I have been wondering, am I really okay?  Can I really keep walking?  Should I really keep believing?  But Sunday night, as I sat among the tables and chairs, next to a very new friend, I was reminded of the peace of God.  I was reminded that He knows me, He knows my heart, He guides my steps.

I have been looking for a loud and clear sign.  I have been keeping an eye out for bells, whistles and amens from the chorus.  But on Sunday night, I heard His whisper.  

After the wind, the earthquake, and the fire...the whisper...the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.  I'm looking forward to the days ahead.

Centennial Park

Kim and I went to Centennial Park tonight.  I never knew that movie-like parks existed.  First of all...it was beautifully landscaped with green rolling banks and flowers and trees with a replica of the Parthenon in the middle.  Second of all, Shakespeare in the park was putting on their last performance of the summer.  Thirdly, there are double seated swings neatly placed where normally there would be benches.  And, lastly there was dancing.  There were probably at least 300 people gathered around one very large covered dance floor.  Hanging from the ceiling there are colored lanterns and lights.  And the music....is played by a live band...I'm talking at least 20 instruments playing big band music...from swing to rumba to cha-cha, etc.  All generations are there...from small children to grandparents.  Families are having picnics...young people are out on dates...others are wishing they had brought a date, I am sure.  It's one of the most beautiful sights I have seen in Nashville....and it has been going on for 25 years.  There is a dance lesson...a dance competition...food...and just a whole large community of people who love to dance together every Saturday night throughout the summer.

I watched the people thinking about how creative God is.  I mean, he created each and every person.  Have you ever stopped to think about that?  He had us in mind.  He took His time and carefully thought about every part of us.  And so I look around me and I see Him in a whole new way.  I see how much he loves blue eyes, and red hair, and large noses.  I see how he creates tall statures and petite forms.  I see grace and beauty.  I see strength and laughter.  God is so amazingly beautiful to have thought up such a variety of people.  It makes me love Him more. :)

Birthday Wishes

Happy 50th Birthday, Mom!  I love you!!!

Doesn't she look great? :)

With Each New Day

I drive through the city every morning as the sun rises...and lately back through as the sun is setting.  And I am amazed that I am even here.  I'm in Nashville....I'm in Nashville!  I break out laughing or crying and telling the Lord how thankful I am.

I have spent long hours getting my classroom ready.  I arrive around 6:45am ish and leave again around 8pm at night.  Yes, that is way too late....but there is so much to think about...so many things to organize.  I know I'll get the hang of it soon.  I don't feel a weight about it.  I really don't feel that stressed.  It's actually a joy to make this classroom come together....

I have only played out once so far.  The teaching is taking precedence at the moment.  But I have been able to see quite a few shows.  I could see one every night if I wanted to.  And the more shows I see, the more artists I meet...I am convinced that there is something greater to be discovered in my heart concerning this.  I mean, I absolutely love kids.  But more than that...I love the Lord...and I love telling Him and others this very thing through song.

But there is a work going on in my heart.  I have been afraid to be absolutely real....afraid of being vulnerable.  You probably wouldn't notice it if you met me on the street.  It comes in tiny little moments...when I least want it to come, deep down on the inside.  But there it is whispering thoughts of not being good enough, of not having enough, of not deserving the goodness of God.  I suppose that when I give into this lack of confidence it could also be considered pride.  And so I am trusting Him to break me out of this, as He reveals reasons why He alone is enough...His opinion is enough...His provision is enough.  And I think it is good to take this one day at a time...

It's not really about the songs.  It is about Him.  It's not about what I can get here...it's about what He will do...what He has already done.  I am so thankful...

Anything good now...is from Him.  Anything good that will come will be from Him.  I am convinced of His presence in my life....of His joy in this new season.  And with each new day, I am learning to trust in this joy.

Starting Over

Somewhere, in the midst of all that we are doing...a call resounds...we may choose to ignore it, we may choose to find its source.

Somewhere, in between thoughts of family, friends, meals, business, and current events... we are letting ourselves become defined...either by these common bonds of humanity or by the creator who caused them to come into being.

There is a beginning.  There always was a beginning.  Either we find its place or we become consumed by the idea that we did not need to begin.  Because it is humbling to begin.  It is humbling to say that once... we did not know.  And many of us, including myself, choose to hide in the effects of history, the aftermath, the current events that seem so confusing, so undefined, so in need of our expertise and ability to problem solve.  But, like I said, there was a beginning.  There was a reason.  And that reason has not changed.

We were meant to live.  We were meant to know each other and to be known.  We were meant to have a relationship with the One who created us.

It is all so simple.  God created man to enjoy relationship with him.  Man turned away from God, only to find that, A. he had lost everything good, and B. he did not have enough power to make up for the loss he had chosen.  But God made a plan.  He knew man would suffer greatly without him (suffering that would eventually lead to death forever), and it turned out to be true.  God could not stand for this, it was against everything in His heart.  His plan was to give up His own life, to save the life of the man who would never be able to find his own way back.  And ever since that time, the message has spread through all cities, countries, people groups, times and generations.  God made a way back.  God made a way where there was no way.  And all man had to do was receive the message, turn towards God through Jesus (God's son who had carried out the plan of giving up His life to save the life of man.), and then carry the message as their own.

This is the story that defines my life.  God made a way so that I could KNOW Him.  

How many of us know Him?  I have been questioning my relationship with Him.  I know so much about Him.  I know His words.  I have done a lot of work for Him, given away time, money, possessions in His name, sang songs to Him, for Him, about Him.  I have talked about Him, even claimed to talk for Him.  But do I know Him? 

And I find myself asking the question...Is He even real?  Or is He just an idea?  Is He just a set of principles I have based my life upon.  Am I just looking for agreement among friends?  Have I surrounded myself with "yes" people?  Where is God?  Where is He in this generation?  Where is He among the nations?  Where is He in my family?  Where is He in my life?  Where is He among my friends?  Where is He in me?

Why does this questions plague me?

I have not sat with Him.  I have not waited to hear His words.  I have not asked Him for directions.  I have not allowed Him to reach out and heal me.  I have not given Him room to speak when I make a list of all of my worries and the general consensus of my circumstances.  Isaiah 59 talks about our sins separating us from the Lord...to the point where communication is totally cut off.  I read this the other day and thought...oh...that's not me.  And then I sat in church this past Sunday and heard the same passage.  

How did I get here?  To this place where my sin has separated me from the only voice that gives me life?  To this place where I don't even realize that I am essentially going on without Him...this place of thinking I can go out and get a job on my own...make friends on my own...find songs to sing about Him as if we were very close friends.  To this place of turning from Him...this place of losing my way back to where He is...to the very beginning...to my beginning.

And so I made a list today of the things that have kept me from Him...and I told Him I would like to start over.  I don't know what starting over looks like.  But here I am.  And, eventually, I know that everything coiled up, and hidden away, and covered with dust will uncoil and be brought to light and be made new again.

We were not meant to be defined by the work we do or the company we keep.  We were not meant to be defined by our cultural expectations or family ties.  

We are walking a path...to some it is very wide and to some it is narrow.  But wide is the path that leads to destruction and narrow is the path that leads to life.  And as we walk, we will all hear a voice among voices.  We will all hear a call to come nearer to God.  He is the one who created us.  He is the one who gives us definition.  And until we recognize Him as our beginning, we will wonder why we feel so lost."

"Come now, let us reason together,"

       says the LORD. 

       "Though your sins are like scarlet, 

       they shall be as white as snow; 

       though they are red as crimson, 

       they shall be like wool.

Isaiah 1:18

Not Forgotten

Kim and I sat at the Cracker Barrel tonight over tea and eggs with grits and toast, or in Kim's case, eggs with biscuits and gravy.  We tried to capture the last few weeks and months in the lyrics of a song.  It is very interesting to write a song with someone other than your own thoughts and feelings.  I felt as if I was getting to know my friend in a whole new way as well as allowing her to see the vulnerable side of me.  I don't why words cause me to feel so vulnerable...they are just words...but then again they reflect who I am and the experiences I am walking through.  It was a start, after all, it's what we came for.  We came to write.  It was our first collaboration in this new town.

When the food actually came to the table we set aside the writing and began to talk on other topics.  Of course, these topics included matters of the heart.  I told her of one of my recent conversations with the Lord about letting go.  It made me realize that I should write this all down.  

I have been afraid to let go.  I have been afraid to stop trying.  I have been afraid that if I just set it down that it would be forgotten.  And if forgotten by me, then also forgotten by God, forgotten by him.  Forgotten as if all of it never really mattered anyways...all of the memories together, all of the hopes for more, all of the prayers prayed, the laughing and inside jokes, the defining moments, the friendship.  And that's what so hard.  Because it mattered to me.  He mattered.  I wanted to see it through.  I wanted to see it turn around.

I could keep hoping.  I could keep holding on.  But it would leave me waiting by the phone.  It would leave me wanting more.  It would have me thinking that it all depended upon my ability to keep up.  It almost has a crippling effect as I try to make my way in a new city.  There are days when its perfect timing has been my comfort and then there are days where the lack of it has me going through withdrawals.  And there is nothing I can do to make it more.  I just know that I haven't wanted it to be any less.

So I have prayed that the Lord would give me wisdom... that He would show me His heart for me... that He would show me my own heart.  I have prayed that He would help me to let go.... despite what I have felt in my heart to be true, despite what I have hoped for, despite the fact that I don't want it all go to waste.  He writes down our words.  He keeps record of what we have told Him.  And so I have to trust Him...whether letting go means for good or whether it just means for now.  Letting go is letting go... resting in the unfailing love of a God who pays attention to our details.

I have noticed a change since this conversation with the Lord.  It doesn't hurt quite as much.  It doesn't seem quite as difficult.  I'm not waiting by the phone.  I'm asking the Lord about what's next... small glimmers of hope throughout the day.  I'm trusting Him, to hold every one of my concerns in His hands... to bring His good, to bring the truth, to bring me to the desires of my heart.

Changes

I'm sitting here tonight trying to record a song for a friend of mine who happens to be laying her sister-in-law to rest this weekend.  I'm thinking about life.  I'm thinking about the fact that I am still alive and breathing.  I'm thinking about how good my life really is, how blessed I have been.  I have a family who loves me.  I live in a great city.  I have so many good friends.  I don't have a job but I have enough saved up and enough of an education to not have to worry about it right away.  The list goes on here.  I get to follow my dreams.  I get to run after what God has put in my heart to do.

What do I do with so much goodness?  I feel terribly indebted and almost guilty for having any of it.  I feel as if I should be doing so much more...

Which leads to this next observation I have made this week.  In all of the solitude and sleeping in and having no obligations whatsoever, I have realized how much of my identity has come from the things that I do.  Teacher, worship leader, friend, daughter, sister, songwriter...and so many other little things that fall along these lines.  I was getting up early, going to bed late, hardly had time for a nap...always going, going, going.  And then one day I got this incredible opportunity to move to TN.

And I no longer have a place to lead worship.  I don't even know if I will be able to get a teaching job.  My family lives far away.  I have two friends (wonderful friends) in this city who both have full time jobs.  So, I have been sleeping in...getting my finances and job hunting in order...doing laundry...writing...taking naps...playing my piano and guitar (a little bit)...reading...taking long drives through the country...listening to new music...going out dancing.

Do you know what I have realized?  All my security about who I am in God has gone out the window.  "Do I even know Him?" I keep asking myself.  Do I even know me?

What if everything that I was doing was just what I was doing in order to make it through the last season?  What if that wasn't really my heart?  It touched my heart, shaped it, molded it, disciplined it...etc.  But, here I am in this new season...and now what?

What if I don't get a teaching job?  Then, I am no longer a teacher.  I become someone totally different in the eyes of everyone I come into contact with.  That alone changes everything...not to mention all the other changes I am going through.

I am trying to put words to what I have been sensing in the past couple of weeks.  I just keep sensing that everything is changing and in more ways than I thought it would.  The only thing that will remain the same is that I can trust God...that I can hear His voice in my life...and that I will follow where He leads.

No Place Like Home

What a lovely family. :)  We just got to spend a week together in Colorado.

We climbed mountains.

Jim found a really nice spot.

My lovely sister...whom we didn't get to see enough of. :)

Nothing like a good game of football.

We found a lot of rainbows.

Took lots of pictures.

And laughed.

I got to sing a song. :)

We watched fireworks from this balcony.

There was also dancing. :)

Let's just say we found our way around the kitchen...banana/blueberry pancakes, fruit pizza, chicken fajitas, sandwiches, steak...all with the help of Josh of course...who would have thought of grapefruit juice as a secret ingredient? :)

I could go on and on here.  It was a wonderful week.  I didn't want it to end.

Oh, by the way...these were the mountains that inspired the song..."Oh beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain, for purple mountain majesty above the fruited plain..America, America, God shed His grace on thee and crown thy good on brotherhood from sea to shining sea..."

A Colorful Day

This is how I spent my day.  Painting.  My room has become somewhat of a sanctuary...not quite captured on my little camera phone.  I listened to the sounds of Brooke Fraser and Dave Barnes as well as the happy little water drops trickling through my fountain.  Outside my window are trees almost close enough to touch.  The beautiful thing about these trees is that they are full of butterflies of many different sizes and colors.  The funny thing is that I sat there painting trees and thinking to myself..."I wish I had some trees to look at for reference."  It wasn't until I had started cleaning up my brushes for the day that I looked out my window and put two and two together. :)  They still turned out quite nicely for story book trees if I do say so myself.  

Deeper

I love this picture.

In a world of uncertainties, in a time of letting go, in the every day wonderings of who we are, this picture reminds me that God is with us all along the way.  If we could just stand on the mountaintop with Him every day.  If we could just enjoy the relationships He has given us.  If we would just trust Him to lead us to our hearts desire...He would.

This has been quite a week...a week of change, uncertainty, and even a bit of sadness.  It has been a week to slow down, to realize that I have been going about things all wrong.  I cannot exclude that in the midst of it all, there has been joy and a peace that surpasses all understanding.  I feel deeper as if I have an understanding I did not have before.  I am thankful that the Lord knows what is going on.  I am thankful that He intervenes on our behalves.  I am thankful that He works all things together for good.  The only important thing is knowing Him, knowing that He loves us, and loving Him in return.  The only important thing is trust...even when, and mostly because, we cannot always see the answers.

If you have not yet read "The Shack" by William P. Young...you just might want to go and grab yourself a copy.  I couldn't put it down.

My Dad

I hope my dad knows how much I love him.  I hope he knows how important he really is.  I hope he knows that I listen when he gives advice...even when I don't like the advice...I listen.  I hope he knows that his words carry over into the heart and soul of who I am.  He is in the fabric of who I am.  I hope he knows that I wouldn't be where I am today without him.  I hope he knows that I want him to be in my life.  I hope he knows that he is important.

I wish he knew how influential he was.  I wish he knew that he could change the world.  I wish he knew that so many people look to him for guidance and acceptance.

I hope he knows that he is accepted.  I hope he knows that his children are blessed because of the way he led them through their growing years.

I don't even know my dad's email address.  And tonight, I wish I did.  I don't know how often he even checks, or if he would even be able to this week.  I just wish I could tell him this very minute.

My dad taught me that I was important.  He taught me that I should be excellent in what I do. My dad taught me how to be humble.  He taught me a lot about when to talk and when to listen.  My dad taught me how to be quiet.  He taught me how to laugh out loud about the smallest details.  My dad taught me how to appreciate the beauty of the world.  And even though he has no desire to travel beyond the borders of our country... his influence has somehow given me dreams of soaring beyond them.  My dad taught me how to get right to the point and get things done.  He taught me how to make a deal and when to walk away from one. He taught me how to forgive and how to keep loving even when it hurts.  My dad taught me about worship.  He taught me about music and song.  He taught me how to drive nails into walls and floors, how to scrape paint and put up new colors.  He taught me about foundations and the power of a dream.  He taught me about how not to get lost in the great outdoors.  The list goes on.

My dad tells me that I am beautiful and because of that I don't worry about others opinions.  I just think about the times he has told me..and I believe it.  My dad tells me that there is a future hope...that he believes it with all of his heart.  His belief makes me believe.  My dad tells me that the songs I sing minister to his heart...and it makes me sing stronger.  My dad helps me make my way in the world, and even when I make decisions on my own, he is right there with me.

I love my dad.

I hope he knows.

I hope I keep getting the chance to tell him over and over again.

First Night on the Town

Tonight was quite a night.  My friends were coming through town to play a show.  So, of course, I wanted to go see them.  But this was the first time I would see them in Nashville.  And since I have only been here for two weeks, I didn't have a whole lot of people to invite to come with me.  I'd have to venture out on my own for the evening.

So the adventure began.  I wasn't quite sure what part of the city I would be driving into but I was delightfully surprised to see well lit streets and not a whole lot of traffic.  The club was right out front and after three u-turns, two parking lot turn arounds, and once around the block I found a safe, secure, not out-of-the-way spot right across the street.  As I walked to the door I was glad I had decided to wear my gold shoes...they fit in way better with the crowd.  The band started playing a few minutes after I stepped inside.  It was a great show.  Just when I think these guys are awesome...they get even better.  Their music is a perfect blend of electronic sound.  It creates an atmosphere that is so loud you can hear the quietness of God in its midst.  I love its driving force and I love to be surprised at the elements they add to each song.  It's good stuff. :)

Being alone in a club is an interesting feeling.  Awkward is the word that comes to mind, but tonight, I embraced the awkwardness, taking in the dimly lit room and the people who live, breathe, and sing in this city they call home.  Afterwards, I waited around a bit and talked to the guys.  What amazes me is how God knew years ago that they would be an encouragement in the journey that I would take.  I had no idea.  I wonder if we ever have an idea about what God is up to until all of a sudden it happens.  I walked away from tonight feeling even more like I had big brothers along the way to my dreams.  I walked away feeling like maybe I could be brave enough to sing to this town.  I drove home feeling like a bird let out of its cage, excited at the prospect of the coming days....ready to work on these songs, ready to write down more, ready to listen.  I've been dreaming of the day I would be set down here, ready to run.  It's happening...

PS - a small bit of wisdom handed down from a homeless man through the lead singer tonight:  "You will make it because you listen to your own music and because you do not look down on anyone around you."  I like that wisdom...I think I will carry it with me too.

Solitude

This new apartment is so quiet.  Aside from the ticking clock, the hum of my computer, and the bugs outside...nothing...not a sound.

I was excited about these moments...late nights without any responsibilities lurking in the day ahead.  I was excited for the silence so that I could write and think and paint and who knows what else.  But tonight, I feel like a stranger to the silence, as if we must become reacquainted with one another.

It was hard to write tonight, to play anything for that matter.  All I could think about was how much I wished I could get in my car and go meet up with someone.  But for the moment, those days are passed.  I have two friends in this city and both have gone to bed.

I think we often define ourselves by who we know, by the circumstances we find ourselves in, by the company we keep.  And when we are moved from familiar places and the comfort of people, the real truth must come out in one fashion or another.  I am finding out who I am all over again.

In two weeks time, I can tell who and what meant a lot to me.  I can tell what I had really hoped for.  I can tell what I miss.  I can tell what I will not miss.  In two weeks time, I see that I was not all that I am meant to be.  I can tell that there is more.

I cannot go back.  I can only move forward.  And for now that looks a bit lonely...it looks as if I'll be making friends with the silence all over again.

But there is joy in the solitude of these days.  Solitude is a rare find in our ambitious world.  I only hope I can embrace it in the face of finding my place in this brand new city, in the face of rediscovering who I am in the Lord.  I forget sometimes that He is the only constant.  I forget sometimes that we are walking together through all of this.  It's Him and I...not just I.  And He defines everything, just as it should be.

I just keep thinking, "If only I could hear His plans, if only I could see the faces He will put along my path, if only I knew."  But that's the beauty of it, I suppose, finding Him all along the way.  

If only I could hear Him amidst the roar of this solitude.

Until I believe...

Romance my heart

Reach in to the deepest parts

Pull out the laughter

the adventure of breathing in the sunrise

of running through the moonlight

of feeling the wind on our faces

Romance my heart

Do not leave me in the silence of my own thoughts

Do not leave me wondering if there will ever be joy again

Because there was a time when I believed 

that love would come and sweep me off of my feet

there was a time when I believed that I would not be able to outrun

the affections of another

Romance my heart

show me that you know who I am

show me that you love who I am

ask me to come with you

ask me to hold your hand

come after me and do not let me go

Breath my name until I can't help but hear the whispers of your great love for me

Romance my heart

Bring me back to life again.

A Trip to the Zoo

My sister has always avoided zoos, and for good reason.  She can't stand to see these wild and beautiful creatures live their lives in the confines of gates, walls, and windows.  I never really minded it I guess.  I always thought it was nice to see the world up close and personal without having to travel too far.  

Their surroundings look real to us...maybe even to them.  I am sure that the crowds of people at some point become common place.  I suppose that they get used to being fed every day at a certain time, that they do not even mind not having to go on a hunt to capture what they need in order to survive.

Today I walked through the Nashville zoo.  I have been to so many zoos across America.  This one is just about the same. Although I have never seen a bamboo forest and was pleasantly surprised at its beauty.  But as I walked I began to look into the eyes of some of these animals...some were quite close to where we stood.  The monkeys looked contented and happy to be where they were swinging from tree to tree.  The meerkats were concerned with each other and curious enough I think to enjoy the groups of people who would come up to their exhibit.  But there were a few animals that stood still and looked right at you.  They had some kind of question in their eyes I thought.  And the question that came to my mind was, "Is there more?"

Imagine living in the limelight of other people's attention every day.  Imagine having all your basic needs met without having to lift a finger.  Imagine a door from another world opens at certain times exposing the fact that the grass could be greener on the other side.  Would it lead to satisfaction and contentment?  Would an adventuresome sort of spirit ever rise up from somewhere deep inside?  Do animals have an instinct to set out into the great unknown?  Or did I let my own desire for breaking out have an impact on how I viewed these creatures?

I enjoyed seeing animals today.  But I could not get the question out of my mind.  And I wanted to tell them, "Yes, there's more".  But then what?  How could one calmly live in a zoo, knowing that freedom was just beyond those doors?

And I wonder how many humans live in this sort of conundrum day in and day out.  Knowing there is more...hoping there is more...but unable to find a way out.  On the other hand, I wonder how many people live without knowing that there is freedom beyond the surroundings that they live in?

Well, that was my trip to the zoo today.  Could be I was out in the sun for way too long. :)  But these are thoughts that ran through my head.

To Teach or Not to Teach

This is the question that hangs over my head since leaving Florida.  It is the question I am asked daily.  Will you teach when you get to Nashville?

I cannot go anywhere without talking to kids lately.  They say hello to me at the grocery store, in parking lots, in restaurants, and they seem to find me when they are lost and cannot find their parents (this happened twice this week).  Everywhere I go, it seems that kids are going out of their way to get my attention.  It's weird.  But in a way it has made me miss teaching.  I am going to miss my little classroom.  I am going to miss those little faces looking up at me every day.  I already do.

But teaching consumes my life.  It's a big job full of bureaucratic tendencies and deadlines.  It is work brought home, early mornings, late nights.  It is extra projects and money spent.  It is less time spent on the music and writing I so long to pursue.

But teaching means I can, if I so choose, leave the work day at 3pm.  It means holidays and paid vacation time.  It means time with children every day, which is one of my most favorite things in the world.  It means I still get to learn and take in the world with wonder.  It means I get at least 15 minutes of fresh air and recess per day.  It means a lot of really great things I have grown to love.

I need a lot of space and light and laughter.  I need the chance to create and to care for little ones.  I need to be able to share what I have learned.  I want to know that I have job security and health insurance and all of those basic things.

I came here to be in the songwriting community.  But in the mean time how do I survive?  Tomorrow begins a brand new day...a day where I will search for my place among the breadwinners of the city.

Help, Lord! :)  

Love

I was talking to a friend this past week about the topic of divorce. And it got me to thinking about love and commitment and making promises.

What good is a promise these days? How good is our word?

I remember making promises that I have not been able to uphold. I remember being on the receiving end of broken promises. Honoring our words does not seem to be an epidemic in our society. Words are so often based on feelings, circumstances, on our own selfishness and desires. We so easily discard one another. I hate it. I do.

But there is a deeper love at work. A love that does not give up. A love that lays its life down. A love that rises above fear and offense. A love that resounds through years and brokeness, highs and lows. I want to be a part of this great love. I want to fight for something deeper, something better.

We are a gift to one another. It's time we start acting that way.

Here is an article by Warren Barfield on his recent song "Worth Fighting For".

http://www.cmcentral.com/special/7847.html

A Piece of Gum

Maybe the absence of something proves its existence.
Maybe the hunger and the thirst proves the promise of a satisfaction.
Maybe lack proves that there is a fulfillment.

I am seeing hunger in a whole new way. There must be a fulfillment. There must be an existence of that thing which I desire. There must be some sort of life giving satisfaction to quench the hunger and the thirst.

I think we are hungry sometimes and we don't even pay attention. It comes through in our thoughts and in our actions. It comes to us in the midst of a song, in the midst of a movie when the character shows us who we are, in the midst of watching a child be exactly who they were meant to be. And then when that hunger points its finger upon the very reason for its existence...that's when we begin to pay attention. But do we silence the hunger? Or do we cling to it? Do we give the hunger a name? Do we simply exist and let it become our crutch? Do we run to fill that hunger as best we can? Do we let others come and fill the hunger? What do we do when we are hungry?

I have come to the place where I don't know how to fill the void any longer. And it's hard...because I thought I had the ingredients. I thought I knew my way around the kitchen. I thought I knew the way to the store. And maybe I don't. Maybe I don't know anything at all. It's about time I go home for some good home cookin'. It's about time I let Him set a table before me.

All this to say, it is 1:30 am....and I just wanted to remind myself...that even though I am going to bed hungry tonight...I am going to bed knowing that one day...maybe even tomorrow, that hunger could be filled. I do not serve a God that is far away. I serve a God who loves me...who has good plans for my life. I serve a God who knows the desires of my heart even before I ask.

I drove to church yesterday thinking how much I would like a piece of gum. I thought to myself, "I'll ask Nan or Kevin when I get there." (They always have gum.) Well neither one was there. I walked in about 15 minutes late and slipped into a chair towards the back. Across the aisle to my left was one of the kids from youth group. I have probably only said hello to him once or twice...and literally hello has been the extent of our conversation. I looked at him across the aisle, smiled, and watched him as he reached into his pocket and mouthed the words, "Do you want a piece?" as he held up a pack of gum. The whole church was in mid-worship...and here was God...listening to my thoughts about a piece of gum.

And so, if He listens to my thoughts about fresh breath...how much more will He listen about the cries of my heart? I have to believe that tonight.

True Friends

There's nothing like a real and true friend. And if you have one, you understand the significance of this statement. There's a country song that sings,

"You find out who your friends are
Somebody's gonna drop everything
Run out and crank up their car
Hit the gas, get there fast
Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far'
They just show on up with their big old heart
You find out who your friends are"

I kind of thought it was cheesy...until it reminded me of some people I knew...until I realized who my friends were.

I have friends who faithfully come to every show I play...even when I play the same songs over and over. I have friends who bring me food and company when I am sick. I have friends who pay for my meals...just because. I have friends who would take a week off of work to move me across the country. I have friends who pray for me. I have friends who run after me when I'm lost in the middle of the city. Friends who text the most encouraging messages right out of the blue. Friends who forgive me and love me despite my shortcomings. Friends who stay friends no matter how many years or seasons come between us.

I have friends. And I'd just like to say thank you. There are people who say one thing and do another, but then there are those who don't even have to say a word...they're just there. You all are God's gift to my life...His way of showing just how much He cares. I don't even know where to start when it comes to paying back the kindness and acceptance. And truly, I don't think I can. Y'all put me in my place...you make me want to reach out and do just the same.

It's Time

We live in a society that lends itself to isolation. Ironically, it is also the age of effortless communication. Ipods, computers, internet, video games, movies, television, cell phones...you name it. Walk through an airport and try to find someone who is not occupied with some kind of communicative device. However, walk into the home of any American citizen and see how much authentic, real-time communication is actually taking place. Slowly, and yet not so slowly, we are trading face to face relationship for bits and pieces of the real thing. And it is not fulfilling.

I look around and I see tired people...working, working, working...and for what? To come home and not enjoy what life was really meant to be. I know many nights I come home late from work, pop in a healthy choice meal, sit in front of the computer checking emails and blogs and that is only interaction I will have with anyone at all. Once in awhile, I enjoy such an evening...okay at least once a week I enjoy such an evening...but night after night, it begins to wear on me. And I know it wears on others. Where is the life we were meant to live????

Were we meant to earn a paycheck and then let the rest of life pass us by? What is the point of that paycheck? What is the point of work? Are we not also meant to make a mark on this world? Are we not also meant to find friendship and love and purpose?

There are two sides to every story...yes, there are successful people my age, running after their dreams soaking up life for all it is worth. But what about those who are lost in the cycle of practicality? I have grown up leaning on the practical answers....I need to live well, therefore, I need an education, I need a stable job, I need a house, 2.5 children, 1.2 pets, etc., etc. So we build our lives based on expectation. We are expected to perform and therefore we do. Forget the dreams way deep down in our hearts. Forget the passion that rises when we see the things in front of us that we most long for. Forget relationships in the face of paperwork and deadlines. And the more we push aside what matters deep down in the heart of us, the more we forget what was important in the first place. The matters of our hearts become buried deep. And we begin to survive on the surface...just get by, just get to the next place, just make it through the day, just reach for that small moment of relief of rest. And before we know it...we are sleeping through the best days of our lives.

We make empty promises at best and then fail time and time again to get to "that place" we long to be. What are we really working to obtain?

I took an online stress test today. It told me that I could have severe problems within the next 2 years if I didn't find a proper way to deal with the stress. Well, I don't believe that I will have problems. I do believe the stress levels will decrease. However, I know that I don't experience half of what others go through. Imagine, this generation, working, working, working....straining, striving, and for what? What are we working so hard for? What is it we really want? Where do we really want to be? Who do we really want to be with?

Can we start asking the real questions here? Who do we love? How we can we love them better? Let's start there. And because we love, how will we live? What changes do we long to see in the world? How can we help bring about those changes? These are the real questions.
These are the reasons that we are alive. It has nothing to do with the accumulation of money and possessions. It has nothing to do with saving face in lieu of society's expectations.

In 20 years will you look back and find that most of your memories are connected to digital equipment? Will you look back and see the lost opportunities for looking into another person's eyes and having a real conversation? Will you look back and find that you took the time for friends and family when it mattered most...and even when it mattered just a little? And what about time for strangers? They cross our paths for a reason...who knows what reason that may be?

It's time to wake up. It's time to come out of this cloud that hovers over our busy lives. It's time to see what we are really meant to be. It's time to change. It's time to do something different, something out of the ordinary. It's time to break the mold. It's time to take a walk in the middle of the day, breath in the fresh air, and ask, "what's next?" It's time to step out of the isolation, look into someone else's eyes, reach out for a hand to hold, run ahead of the things that would hold us behind...and press on towards that which calls us heavenward.

It's time.

In His Hands

...how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings... ~matthew 23:36-38

I have become a mother to three little chicks this past week. To make a long story short...they should not have survived due to the temperatures they faced while still inside the egg. But my students seem to be connected to the power of prayer this year. They prayed these chickies through daily...and now there are 3.

They each have a personality of their own. They have become the highlight of our classroom experience for the past month.

I took them home this weekend. They did not like the car experience. I sat the brooder box in the passenger seat. They cried and chirped and slid all over. So I stuck my hand in the box to try and calm them down. Within minutes all three were pushing and prodding and wiggling their way into the palm of my hand to see who could get the closest. And when they finally had found a comfortable fit they stayed right there, cuddled in for the rest of the 20 minute car ride.

I took them to mom and dad's house today. They did the same thing. And as I road home tonight...one hand on the wheel, one hand holding three baby chicks...I imagined myself in the hand of God. Unable to hold on for myself...thrown about by the twists and turns of the road...unable to see the road or have understanding of where I am actually going...having only to trust and rest in the hand that reaches out to hold me close...to comfort me.

It made this verse seem so perfect tonight.

All of a Sudden

This school year seemed so long. In fact, the last few years have seemed long. And all of a sudden, it is time to quietly pack up my things and begin again. It hit me today. I have three weeks left. Three weeks to make a difference in the lives of my students. Three weeks to spread life and hope to an inner city community.

I read them stories of Narnia. I talked to them about forgiveness. I hugged them. I told them I loved them. I prayed for them and alongside them. I gave out second chances. I held them accountable. I argued with them and pushed them. I waited for them...did my best not to leave them behind. I failed them. I supposed I inspired some. I disappointed them...made some angry. I grew up with them. I learned from them. I listened. I stood up for them. I gave them my time, my money, my resources. I got up early. I stayed late. I did all I thought I could do and then some. But was it enough?

Oh, God, has it been enough? Is it a work that will last? Is it a work that will continue for years down the road? I will carry them with me...their faces, their words, their laughter, their tears, their stories. I have not walked in their shoes. But I have tied up their laces. I have reminded them to keep the shoes on their feet. And from what I have seen, in so many ways, their young shoes are more worn than my own. I feel the weight of it tonight. I was called to walk with them for 3 years. And I don't want to leave them. I want to hug them and encourage them and push them to be better than they hoped to ever be. I want to see them step out of the despondency, hatred, and offense of their experiences. I want to see them embrace a life of wonder and learning...to take on problem solving as their own. I want to see them own the world...not become victims to it.

They have taught me how to fight...how to stand up again. They have taught me to push for something better. They have taught me that love is the most resilient of qualities. They have taught me how to sing a better song. They have taught me about beauty and joy and the power of prayer. They have taught me about saying I'm sorry. They have taught me how to give better...how to be more thankful. The list goes on and on.

Really and truly, God knew exactly where to put me in order to bring me to this place. I don't know if I will continue to teach. I don't really know. But I do know that I would not be who I am without having walked through the doors of this elementary school 3 years ago. With three weeks left to go....I am challenged to make the most of it.

What If?

Last year we had an outside organization come in to teach our class about embryology. They set us up with the whole project. In the midst of the first lesson the teacher told the children that he did not accept "what if" questions. He thought them a waste of time. In his eyes, too much time and energy was spent on imagination, rather than learning the bare bones and facts about chicks and how they hatch. And at the time I thought, "how clever", he found a way to take all the rabbit trails out of the lesson.

Well, about two weeks ago an author came to the school and broke this theory into a million little pieces. I asked her where she found her inspiration to write. I asked because so many of my own students get writer's block. I wanted them to hear how to come up with ideas. Right away, she shared that she plays the "what if" game. She put value on that statement...saying that it was the most powerful question we could ask. If we could ask "what if", anything was and is possible.

Well, there is a scripture that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above and beyond all that we could ask, think, imagine.

So, I have discarded the first lesson in "what if" and I have graduated to a new level. "What if" has become my new favorite question.

Which leads me to the next point...it's time to start asking the "what if" questions.

What if ....

What if there was a reason to smile again?

What if there was a reason to hope for more?

What if there really is more to the story?

What if God really loves you?

What if you could be healed of cancer?

What if AIDS was curable?

What if someone could be raised from the dead?

What if you could be free from your addiction?

What if you didn't have to face the torment in your mind any longer?

What if the organ you needed showed up in your body without an operation?

What if your debts were forgiven?

What if you could find peace?

What if your family came back together?

What if you found a purpose?

What if you found a reason for living?

What if your prayers were answered?

Even just in this past month, these things are happening. And the list is longer than just this. A boy was dead for 15 minutes after an accident, was prayed over and came back to life without any brain damage. Another person was dead in a morgue, was prayed over by their family, and came back to life. It's happening around the world. It's happening in our country. Cancer is disappearing. Addictions are leaving. Mental distress is lifting. Families are coming together. Hope is being restored. Hearts are turning to God.

We've had enough of religion. We've had enough of empty promises. We've had enough of being peddled for money. We've had enough of the haughty eyes of those who look down on the less fortunate souls who have not darkened the doorwarys of a church building. Enough.

But there is another church rising up. A hungry church, a desperate church. A church who is crying out for a God of power. A God who reaches out and touches His people. A God who answers prayer. A God who embraces. A God who paid the price so that His children did not have to.

What if you are hungry?

What if you are desparate?

What if what you have reached for was not quite satisfying enough?

What if there is more?

What if God touched your life?

What if you asked Him to?

And what if He does?

Something new is in the air. Something we may have only heard about in stories in other countries, times, and peoples. It's about to become real in our own lives. It's about to visit our homes and our families. He is coming. God is ready to visit us again. And not just to give us whatever we desire...not just to make our lives less complicated...but just to tell us that He loves us...just to win over our hearts...to draw us close and tell us that He is not angry, or distant, or disinterested.

If we would only turn to Him...pour out our hearts to Him...tell Him that we need Him. If only we would ask Him to come. If only we would run in His direction. He would run to us. He would wrap us in His arms. He would move mountains and change our lives.

It's happening...it may not look the way you think it would...but it is....check out these articles and websites and see for yourself...people from all over the world are flocking to Florida...and this is only the beginning:

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Press Through

There is nothing like coming to the end of a long day or long week for that matter and knowing the joy of pressing through. This phrase just keeps running through my head, "press through". I don't feel any kind of permission to back down at this point or run away or shrink back as if I didn't know any better. I have to love anyways. I have to try anyways. I have to find a way. I have to keep going. I have to wake up in the morning, put one foot in front of the other and get to the other side of the day.

In comparison, my week is nothing compared to that of some of my own children. I wish I could just write out all the stories I hear throughout the day. But the inner struggle is the same in a lot of ways. How do go further when you feel like you've done all you can do? How do you move on when you just want to cling to what you see? How do you find hope when all you've known are disappointments? How do you find life in the face of death? How do you pull ideas and visions from a place where there was nothing to begin with? All questions I have been asking.

And this is what I am learning:

I am not entitled to be treated well by anyone, but I am called to love despite what another's choice may be. Just because I love someone, does not mean they will love me in return. And I am not just speaking romantically. I am speaking on behalf of treating others around with kindness, respect and dignity.

Seasons change. What I see now may not be what I see later. But the truth is that God has a plan...a perfect plan...one that brings me a hope and a future. And I have to trust that simple truth. I have to trust despite the fact that my circumstances speak otherwise, despite the fact that my emotions want to dictate where I place my heart.

Just because I don't know the answer does not mean that I am not accountable to finding it. There are gifts and dreams inside of us that we will never realize...unless we take the risk...unless we push ourselves towards more...and hold ourselves accountable to staying there and seeing it through, even when the work is challenging and takes extra research and effort. Even when we have to start at square one. Even when we have to go a new way...all by ourselves.

God has ideas we never even dreamed of. What would happen if we just let go and trusted Him to bring it to pass? What would happen if we just enjoyed our seasons and did what He put in our hands to do...without complaining, without becoming offended, without being afraid?

I have known these things that I write about tonight, but I can tell the lessons are going even deeper. They are almost unspoken lessons...lessons you have to learn by heart, by going through...lessons that speak hope in the midst of adverse circumstances...lessons that show me the faithfulness of God.

Just when we think we'll never make it through, just when we think we need to step back and retreat, the promise is waiting...press through...press through. This is where the song springs forth...this is where the breakthrough takes place...this is where we learn to truly live.

Somewhere Out There

He's always been out there (as Fievel so eloquently puts it). Untangible and yet so real. At the end of a breakup...in the midst of a disappointments, and politics and world events...in the words of a friend...in the faces of strangers at airports and foreign countries...in dreams for the future...right in the depths of my heart as I walk through life.

And I just want to see his face. I just want to know that he really is real. I just want to know that in his eyes I am worthy of all the love in the world.

I have heard so many promises about him. I have heard plenty of advice. There have been quite a few times when I have put my dream of him behind another man's face...only to find it an illusion and utter disappointment.

Please don't write to me and tell me the grass is greener on the other side. Please don't tell me that it's just not the right time yet. Please don't tell me that God has the perfect man in mind for me. Please forget about the fact tonight that a man will not fulfill all my needs. I KNOW.

I just want him to come. I just him to wrap me up in a hug and tell me he's waited all his life to look into my eyes. And that's it.

Because I am tired of hoping and not seeing that hope fulfilled. I am tired of not being good enough, or worthy enough...or just the right size and shape. I am tired of being overlooked and never knowing the reason. I am quite done with all of it.

There are moments when I just want to be loved without anything asked in return. There comes a time when it seems so out of place to put up boundaries and walls and pretend that it's fun to be independent. There comes a time when you just want someone to notice, to listen, to go out of their way....to break through the walls and the windows and the doors and just simply say, "I love you."

I walked through St. Pete last weekend reading words chalked on the sidewalk, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Those are the words that run through my mind now. I don't know how to love someone I can't see. I don't know how to love those I do see when they don't see me. I don't know a lot of things. This is the most honest post I have written in awhile. I know it's honest when there are tears between the words.

I know I am loved and that I am important to a lot of people. I feel the same way about many others. I know I am not alone. There just comes a time when you want to walk with someone tangibly....reach out and know someone is reaching back.

I have only held pieces of great love. I have heard about it and seen it in others. But the dream of it is so alive in my heart. And wherever he is...I hope he has eyes to see...I am tired of jumping up and down, running back and forth. Like I said yesterday, I am ready to let go...whether that means singleness the rest of my life or not. I have held out in this game of tag, only to find that it one-sided, with no one to come and unfreeze me from this position.

For the past two days my heart has burned at the words of a friend. And I cannot say a word in my defense. I wish I could...I wish I could just let it all out. But I realize that to ask someone to love you, to run after you could not be taken in the end as great and true love. If they do not love you in the first place, how can you plead with them to change their mind? If I did this very thing, I would wonder all my life if there was not something greater to be had all along. I have chosen silence over solace...in hopes that what I wait for really and truly will come to pass...it's the waiting that feeds the hope...because without waiting, how could one hope?...and without hope, how could one wait?

Ain't No Fool

He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.

~Jim Elliot

Waiting is the hardest part. Waiting without saying a word. Without telling someone else exactly what you are waiting for. But hoping nonetheless that your request has been heard, that the answer is not far from showing its face.

Tonight, I am waiting. Tonight, I am quiet and holding out hope that the answers will become clearer...if I just trust, if I just let it go, if I just allow God to fashion my heart to be able to receive such a gift.

It will not happen in my own strength. I have already seen the measure of my own effort and it does not amount to very much. I end up strangling hope as I cling to a fear that what I have worked so hard for, thought so long about, made plans for, dreamed a thousand times over could all just disappear, leaving me alone and back at square one.

No, it will have to be Him. It will have to be His way. Yes, I will take the steps. But I have to hear His voice. I have to know His heart. I have to see it His way. Otherwise, I will be utterly disappointed. Otherwise, I will completely misunderstand. Because whether it comes to pass or not, dwelling in His love should be and is enough.

I want to dwell in the land of "because He is...I am, I have, I will". Without Him, I might as well be content to live in the places of "I wish" or "if only"...striving for things that are just out of reach, as if I could never have them in the first place. But I know better. I know there is more with Him, than without Him. His burden is easy. His yoke it light. There is no other way.

Tonight, I am letting go.

Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God. And it is in giving them up, that you will truly have your desires fulfilled. God is not a spoilsport. He doesn't want you to give up your dream, and have it replaced by something lousy. God wants you to give up your puny little dream, and look up, and see his dream for your life. His dream for your life is the most exciting, most fulfilling, most exciting thing you will ever do. That's because God's dream for your life perfectly matches exactly who you are. God wants your best. He wants the best from you, and He wants to give the best to you.
Faith is being ready to give up all your own desires for God.
And without faith it is impossible to please God.

~Graeme Codrington "He Is No Fool"

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