Morning

We could actually see the sun move in the sky. 

Walking at Sunrise

Here are the results of Beth and I's all nighter.
After the sun rose we walked another mile and a half to have french toast for breakfast at The Oasis. Mornings like these are few and far between.



 

One American Dream

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?

Or what shall a man give in return for his life?"

Matthew 16:24-26

I've been contemplating this verse for a couple of months now. It started at the end of the summer. I began to feel uncomfortable about my house hunting. I knew that needing a house in itself was not a bad thing, it was the expectation that I "should" have a house, "should" have a new car, "should" have the things that every adult in this day and age aquires...ipod, running shoes, vacation, white picket fence....the American dream.

Who said the American dream was the best dream? Who said that the American dream was God's dream? Why is it that when I have acquired exactly what I want, I feel that more is just out of reach?

I watched the sun rise this morning...and then tonight, the moon rose above the water. I watched the waves roll in on the sand throughout the afternoon. Tonight I looked up at the stars and saw at least two shoot across the sky. Ancient people would worship the sun, the moon and the stars as if each were god. Thankfully, I know better. But, even still, their beauty causes my heart to open up, to contemplate things beyond who I am. There is something about creation that reminds me of His greatness, His beauty, His love.

He is all I need. God, how I know that. I know it. I know it. And yet there's nothing I can do to make it more real. There's nothing I can do to make that fact work for me. That revelation alone does not get me the house, the car, a family of my own. I can't do anything to make God perform for me. And yet I am nowhere near to measuring up in my performance for Him.

How then shall I live? The question rolls over and over in mind. How do I live for God without always feeling guilty? How do I simply just live for Him because I love Him and not because I want something from Him?

What is God's dream for me? I have a feeling it is not my dream. I saw the fulfillment of my dreams. And I embraced the dream as it died in my arms. So I stand here, without a dream and without much hope for more. I don't know the measure of my days. I don't know anything beyond today, beyond what I see.

But I want to know. I want to see this great God who lays claim to my heart, to every single day of my life. I want to watch the sun rise in my heart and His oceans spring forth on the shores of this young life. When others see me, I want them to be reminded of Him, of their hunger for something more, something deeper.

I want to know Christ and to make Him known.

Early morning update

It's 4am.
Bethany is sitting across the room...still wide awake...
we're laughing about watching the sunrise.

Josh is home from Iraq...
I heard his voice loud and clear yesterday
we talked about a visit soon.

Three guys brought us girls beer tonight on the beach.
We declined the beverage but offered room to talk.
They asked me to play them a song on my guitar, so I sang to them about Jesus
and then passed the guitar on around the circle.
They hung out with Wen, Beth and I for at least an hour
as we were leaving they asked if we were on a missions trip...lol...
maybe so...seems we were comfortable in our boldness to share tonight.

Living it up in St. Augustine

Beth and I are very proud to say that we have graduated from the oldest schoolhouse in America.
Yeah. We know.
The crew. Photo-op after church.

*All photography credit goes to Beth our vacation photographer.

Read It

 

A good cup of coffee

Here I sit at grandma and grandpa's,
looking them in the eyes and
feeling the importance of being with family.
We drink coffee with milk and sugar,
listening to stories that are both old and new
I found out facts I never knew,
like about the time my grandparents sang at the Ryman Theatre,
or how my other grandpa wanted to build an orphanage in India.
I sit through an akward silence here and there,
nodding my head, saying "yep"
not knowing how to fill the gaps in conversation
my suitcase is filled with the smell of a spilled hair product
if I sit here just right and manage not to move more than an inch or two
my laptop picks up a very low signal
It's good to be home, to be the grandchild..the niece
I feel grown up now...more so than last year or the year before
is it the rental car in the driveway?
the experiences that have brought me back to here?
adulthood has crept in
and yet the child in me still puts her feet up while sitting at the kitchen table,
still hugs and kisses everyone who walks in and out of the door,
still listens more than she speaks,
All I want is to embrace these moments...carry them with me
How fragile, how rare and precious
to be with people you love.

Tulsa by Tuesday

and by Saturday..NY. This summer is FLYing by. :) Hope to see lots of you in my travels. More pictures to come I am sure.

This week in pictures...

I thought the wording on this sign was interesting...
Dinner on the Regal Empress.... Did we get a good table or what? :)Each night when we came back to our room, everything had been straightened up and our beds had been turned down.
Pre-snorkeling...you can't see it but the water was so blue and clear.
A nighttime view of Universal Studios, Orlando.

Waiting for the SuperMan experience.

Need we say more??

In a nutshell...

This week, I...
vegged with Lys and watched cheesy made-for-tv movies.
snorkeled in the Bahamas. (saw a fish with buck-teeth..no kidding..I swallowed a bunch a salt water laughing with Lys about it...lol.)
met people from Romania, Poland, Russia, Philippines, Bahamas, Ukraine...and the list goes on but I can't remember them all.
braved some new roller coasters.
made some new friends from Wisconsin and Ohio.
got to know my sister...we haven't spent quality time together in so long.
went on two time-share tours...said "no" one too many times.
experienced withdrawals from using the information highway.
watched the stars and moon from the deck of a ship with no land in sight.
sang Karaoke for the first time ever.
paid $3 to listen to 3 little guys from the Bahamas sing us a song on the street...who can say no to a song? (This is them in the picture.)
experienced what it might be like to be chased by the paparazzi.
remembered why sunscreen was so important.
found a Starbucks that stays open until 2am.

Another Good Read

Promises

LA Gone Wild

Hiking in Calabasas...felt like we were on a movie set or something. Aside from the smog over the mountains, can you believe this is LA?
Look very closely...
Love the tree.
Bees. Everywhere.
More wildlife.

Happy Memorial Day

Thank you, brother. I remember you. Get back here. I miss you.

Edison Glass

This is Edison Glass warming up last night at Murray Hill here in Jax. Awesome show. If you all haven't checked them out yet...do it...you don't know what you've been missing!

Around the world

Four more days...until the summer officially begins.
Four more days...until I send off the kids and pack my own bags. I'm going to miss them. It's been a good year. Better is the end of a thing than the beginning. That's what the Proverb says and I quite agree. Next year will be easier.

I'll be traveling all summer. My calendar has me home for only about two weeks out of the whole 9. Awesome. Did I mention how much I love being a teacher? :)

Hey, One Day people...remember singing to the people in Botswana over the satellite? I sang that song to my 3rd graders last week when we talked about Botswana in a math lesson. They loved it. I've also been teaching them about Zambia because of the little girl I adopted there. They were begging to take a field trip there. "Miss T. plleeaase? We can go next week!" When I tried to explain the time difference and the financial problems for getting there, Alexis piped in with full assurance, "That's no problem, we can have a car wash up at the corner. That'll give us plenty of money." :) These kids make me want to find ways to take them around the world...that's for sure.

Our Deepest Fear

I've been looking for this quote.
Ever since I first read it in one of Jilli's many books,
I have remembered it and carried it close to my heart.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some of us;

it is in all of us, in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson, "Return to Love"~

Psalm 40

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon?from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me?
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Suttle changes

This past week I....
hugged my sister who came home from college.
went to church five times (a current record).
let go.
had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in about seven years.
ate sushi...twice.
realized that I love event planning.
(Sweet aroma, the beach, one whole week...can't wait.)
made some new friends.
danced at a wedding.
talked to my brother in Iraq.
took 3 naps.
finally finished some lesson plans....now if I could just get those grades done.
taught my 3rd graders about Iraq and Zambia.
ate cereal for dinner...twice.
tried to blog...twice...but couldn't think of what to write...hence, the fill in the blank format.

Dishwasher

After school tutoring is always interesting. Carrie (my roomate and colleague) get a kick out of these kids. Anyways, today was our last day...so we played games, passed around jokes, and had a pizza party. Here is the best knock, knock joke I have heard in a long time. You actually have to read this out loud to get it...very funny. :)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dishwasher.

Dishwasher who?

Dishwasher how I schounded when I losht my falsh teeth.

Just brightens up your day doesn't it? :)

Because God is Good

Missy and I have called them "boy stories". It's almost tradition. Whenever we catch up with one another, she will ask about them. And, inevitably...I will have someone new to talk about, some new drama to laugh or cry over, and some new set of circumstances to bring hope or disappointment. Lots of stories, lots of life lessons over the years.

I do not regret the times I have opened my heart. I do not regret the times of letting go. I do not regret getting to know someone. I do not regret any story that I have walked through. But I have had this hope, as anyone would, that one day the boy stories would come to a final pivotal point....that one day, the real love story would begin.

I didn't think about the fact that the love story had already begun. I forget so easily that there is a deeper love story at work in my life.

I thought I had found it. In fact, I was so sure that I began to speak out loud about it. About him. It was too good, too perfect to not be excited right away. I told Missy that it wasn't just another boy story, that seriously this could be the one for which every other boy story would be put to rest.

Apparently, God had other plans. Because I still can't figure out how it ended. This amazing moment appeared in my life, so suddenly, so out of the blue, and then disappeared as if it was only a dream. Except, now I am different...I am changed. I can't bring this person back. I can't even hold on to what I believed about them. All I can do is trust God, that He knows best...and as Job put it...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...Blessed by the name of the Lord. I never liked that verse. I didn't like it's theology, but who am I to change scripture...when that very scripture is changing me?

I have no answer for the mystery behind my current circumstances. But I have seen God move in my life so strongly these past few weeks. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about little foxes spoiling the vine. There have been many little foxes in my life. Relationships, lifestyle choices, little things that caused me to compromise the very relationship that I crave with the Lord. This guy that walked into my life three weeks ago changed all that. Because of him, I don't want to compromise anymore. For a few days I tasted a joy and an adventure that I had not tasted for so long, if ever. I have such a hunger now to be joyful, the enjoy life, to embrace what God has given to me. I have seen something so good that I don't want to go back. Now that I know that there is better, I don't want to hang around with all of the worries and false hopes that I have struggled with. I don't want to waste any more time. And so I have closed a lot of doors that should not have been left open in the first place.

My heart is turning in a new direction. Aha, God. So this is what it was all about. A change in season. A season of walking with Him, knowing Him. A season of complete and honest trust in the One who has created a hope and a future for me. A season of letting go of all that has held me down in order to gain what has been set aside for me, to gain what I have been set apart for. A season to redeem the time.

I know it's coming. I know there is a story already written, already begun; a story so deep, so real, and so true that it can only be God. And how much more beautiful it will be, when my heart is at rest in the Lord, when I will be able to look back at the heartache and the questions, the letting go and the lessons learned...and I will be able to say...because God is good I am here in this place...because God is good I am not alone...because God is good He was not content to let me love apart from Him, He has brought me through the fire. He has brought me the desires of my heart. He has brought me to His heart. Because God is good.

Your Plan

Thank you for listening. You have heard my outbursts, my rash words, my fear at its height. I know that you stayed even when I did not trust you. I know that you waited while I ran after the rations of my own understanding. My eyes have not stopped crying for days. And yet, you are patient with me. I see your smile. I see your knowing look; it cuts straight to the root of my heart's condition. The way you look at me, is exactly how I see my children when I have acted on their behalf and they do not yet realize the good they are being given. I have yet to understand your goodness, but in the midst of this struggle you let me start out new each day, as if the day before is gone and not held against me. Your promise still stands.

And I know that you are still waiting for me...waiting for me to walk forward instead of stand still; to let go of the fear that my past defines me, and to rest in knowing that You are the One who speaks of who I am...waiting for me to believe that you are who you say that you are...waiting for me to walk with you, truly walk with you, instead of trying to do it on my own.

I just want you to see that I'm trying, that my heart is in this. You have seen me already... hardened, broken. And you have mended the pieces that I never thought I would see again. I'm coming, Lord. I'm coming to meet up with you. You're right, it's time for something new. Let's walk arm in arm. Let's talk and laugh together again. Let's see what you have planned. I'm ready for your plan.

What is Hope?

I'm trying very hard to not close up my heart this time.
I'm trying very heard to stay open,
to hope for more. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid.

I prayed. I thought I heard God. I thought everything was good.
I thought I had His peace, His assurance.

I hate the arrows. The arrows that fly by day and threaten by night. The arrows that tell me of insignificance, lies, misplaced hope, unfulfilled dreams. The arrows that tell me that what I hope for is not pleasing to God. The arrows that point right at me and tell me that my life is worth nothing, that who I am is not enough.

I know that I am not the only one. I know that there are problems worse than mine, hearts more broken than my own. I know that this will pass and there will be new places and events and people to set my mind upon. I know, because I hear it over and over again, that this life is not about me...it's all about Him. I know that all I have to do is let it go. I know.

What is it about hope that creates such a fine line based on perspective? Either it makes you feel as if you are floating or, in stark contrast, it makes you feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff?

Is my hope valid or is it false?
Because here's the thing. What I see is such a disappointment compared to what I thought I would see. What I see is emptiness and void and that my heart has been reaching for a dream that was never real.

All I can do is sit here and say, "what?" And then I begin to cry because I am so angry and disappointed about the whole thing.

What is hope? It's been my question for a long time.

Flowers for the Teacher

Wilbur and Charlie came to class early this morning. They know they're supposed to wait outside the door with the rest of the classes...but this morning they had picked a beautiful arrangement of flowers on the way to school and couldn't wait to put it in my hands. "Miss T., there's an onion in there too." I didn't even have to ask...the smell of the wild onion overpowered any floral scents that might have come from the rest of the arrangement. "Yeah, Miss T., we got chased by a really big dog when we were picking this flower." I had to ask...not only were there wild flowers and weeds that might have grown anywhere along a sidewalk or parking lot on the way to school...mind you they don't live in the country...these flowers were also lovingly picked from gardens and flower beds all along the way. I love these kids. :)

Scotland

So I'm headed to Scotland this summer....thought I'd post a few pictures from this site I found tonight. :)

Three Things

I have tried to write a good number of posts since the last and none could seem to come out quite right. Even tonight I am unsure of the words that will be written here.

Three weeks ago I had a chance (and I use that word knowing that nothing is by chance) encounter with a person who would show me quite a few things about myself and my heart in general.

In order to remain anonymous tonight I will only write what happened to me. I will not include other names or times or places.

This person of interest was not someone I expected anything of or from in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that our paths would cross and when they did it was as if this person had quite appeared out of nowhere.

The first thing this person showed me is that there are those out there who will see my heart right away and who will know who I am without even asking. I am glad for those people. I am glad to skip all of the surface level chit-chat and get right to the heart of things. Someone who knows you right away will reflect back what you always knew about yourself but were afraid to believe or admit for one reason or the other. This person saw my sense of adventure, my energy...not the quietness and seriousness I get so quickly labeled and left with most of the time. This person made me want to live my life better and laugh out loud more often.

The second thing this person showed me is that my heart still works. After a harsh breakup almost two years ago, I didn't know if feeling strongly for another person was still possible. I didn't know that I could open my heart again. I can. I didn't know I could feel so much joy or hope. I did not know that I could feel the way that Rascal Flatts would explain it, "I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside that I just can't explain...like a weight that I carried been carried away...away." Whenever listening to that song I had always hoped that I would wake up feeling that way one day...the morning after spending time with this person...it is exactly how I felt...I can't even explain the peace and how different it felt from every other day.

I now also know that my heart is still able to hurt. I am still able to cry. I am still able to long for someone. I am still able to hope for more.

Now, after being seen and after allowing my heart to catch a glimmer of hope, I am still waiting to know about this person. In three short weeks my whole world has been changed. And I'm sitting here waiting, because I thought I saw something. I thought I heard the voice that I've been waiting to hear for so long. I thought, just maybe, that I felt at home and welcomed. I don't know, I'm still waiting.

Which leads me to the third thing this person has shown me. I feel alone. Being alone and feeling alone are two different things mind you. I am not alone, of course. I have God obviously at all times and in every way. I have a family whom I love and who loves me. I have amazing friends who are on call anytime, anywhere. No, I am not alone. And for quite some time, I have been content in my independent state. I am content to go to church on my own, share my day with roomates, go out with the girls on the weekends, make plans for traveling, invite others to come and visit, explore new things and places. I had come to the conclusion that I would buy a house on my own. Plan life, on my own. Pray and encourage others the best I knew how. And the list goes on.. Yes, I was surviving; not really paying attention to the dull ache that said, "wouldn't it be nice to share all of this WITH someone?" And this one person comes along, about the same way anyone would I guess. But this person was different somehow...sang a different tune, one that harmonized with mine more than anyone I've really met. And instead of sticking around, this person has managed to appear, then disappear, and then appear again, etc, etc. It leaves me with the clear perspective that I don't like living on my own. I don't like being as independent as I make myself out to be. I want to depend on someone. I want to vent and argue and discuss and live with someone. I don't like this aloneness. I don't like feeling as if I am on the outside of this relationship stuff...only looking at others who seem to have found such an amazing gift.

I desperately want to cling to what has been put in front of me. And the thing is I can't. I can't control it. I can't make it mine. I can't even submit to it and hope that it brings me in. I have to let go and let God take care of my heart. I have to trust that God knows my heart better than I know it. I have to trust that He has a good plan for my life...a plan that brings joy and hope...a plan that lifts the burden I so easily pick up and try to carry myself.

So, here I am....now reminded that there are others out there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me when we meet, reminded that my heart is still capable of feeling joy and hope, reminded that I have a great need for fellowship and friendship and love. Not bad for one person in three weeks time.

God help me trust you in the days ahead. Help me to have faith for what You have promised.

Breathing In

There's something about the ocean breeze late at night, the smell of roses mixed in with that breeze, the wind touching your skin, your hair while riding an old school bicycle through quiet beach neighborhoods, looking at houses that look so much more like a welcome home, lamposts burning, sprinklers watering, stars shining and a ring around the moon...something about it that breathes life into forgotten places. I felt like a young girl again, laughing out loud.

A Table Before Us

Two of my third graders were arguing with one another last week. Actually, one of the girls is in my class and the other one is a third grader who switched to the new teacher earlier this year. Both girls are leader material. Both of them long for attention. Needless to say, their desire for friends and a good reputation lead them into territorial arguments. When they came running up to me after P.E. last Monday, I looked at the other teacher and said, "Okay, they're eating lunch together all this week." And that was the deal...they were going to sit together and spend time together whether they liked it or not. Secretly, I thought that was probably what they had wanted anyways. In their argument, I heard them crying out for someone to show them how to be friends.

Monday.
They were embarrassed to sit together, but did so with much argument and foot stomping.

Tuesday.
Both thought I forgot about the lunchtime requirement. (Fortunately, I remembered this time.)More foot stomping. One of the girls refused to even finish eating her lunch. They sat at opposite ends of the table...arms crossed.

Tuesday afternoon.
I sent each an invitation to join me for lunch the next day. Real food...not cafeteria. They both rsvp'd and said they would come.

Wednesday.
We sat together at the table. Both were pretty quiet. I pulled out the lunchables (kids loves those things), grapes, and jello. And all of a sudden, this verse popped into my head...."He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies." We began to talk...not about anything in particular...just small talk. It was good. By the end of the lunchtime....without me even having to pull it out of them...they said goodbye to each other. That may sound small, but really, it was huge....they had refused to talk to each other before.

Wednesday after school.
I heard both girls again call across the sidewalk to say goodbye to each other.

So maybe they will continue to feel a little apprehension about befriending one another. I realize that peer pressure could keep them apart. But I do know this, for a few moments last week, these two girls were able to speak amicably to one another. They were at peace enough to go out of their way to say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever think about that verse in the same way again. And hopefully I'm not taking it out of context. I've always thought it was a prideful thing, like...haha, enemy, look how much God loves me. But, maybe, just maybe, He provides in a way that puts us in a position to share in the goodness of God together. Maybe some of our enemies should not be our enemies at all. Maybe God's love needs to step in and provide a table before us...to set our differences aside, to make amends, to be at peace. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Hillbilly Daydream

My brother wrote the this awesome poem today. If you have a moment I highly recommend the read. :) Josh, every time you write, I am reminded of the gift of God that you are. Love you.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=48888524&blogID=105120621&indicate=1

The Waiting

Psalm 27:13, 14

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Hosea 12:6
But you must return to your God;

maintain love and justice,

and wait for your God always.

Hebrews 6:15

And so after waiting patiently,

Abraham received what was promised.

James 5:7
Be patient, then, brothers,

until the Lord's coming.

See how the farmer waits

for the land to yield its valuable crop

and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

I looked through a Bible concordance this morning to find verses on waiting. These are only a few. Waiting seems to be a common theme throughout the Old and New Testament. Seems like when one is waiting it is very hard to keep hope alive. This morning I choose to remain hopeful in my waiting and remain confident in the Lord.

Second Chance

I did not get to bed until 1am last night. I had to set my alarm for 6:00am. Usually, that's a problem. But I slept so well, and on top of that, I woke up peacefully before my alarm clock sounded. I felt so alive, so awake...not nervous, not rushed, not grumpy. I laid in bed for half an hour just basking in the silence, the sun seeping through my blinds. I had extra time, after getting ready, to open the blinds and make my bed...things I usually only give a passing glance as I run out the door to try to beat traffic. Even preparing my classroom this morning was a peaceful thing. I was not running around everywhere. I was not fighting off the nervous "I have to get everything done" feeling. I took my time and when I looked at the clock I was surprised to see how much I had accomplished and how very little time had really passed. Today, was a change of pace...something I will write more about in days to come.

I woke up as if in a dream...welcoming the day...thankful for the night before. Yesterday was perfect, a day I've hoped for, but never knew when I'd see coming. Thank you, God, for showing me second chances. Lead me on and show me the way to go.

Do You Trust Me?

While I was out line dancing the other night, I met another guy who took it upon himself to teach me some swing steps. The great thing was that even though he was only about my height, he was pretty confident in his ability to flip me around.

So in the middle of the dancefloor...without too many people out there I got the hang of things pretty quickly and really enjoyed dancing with someone who knew how to dance. Then he asked the big question, "Do you trust me?" Of course, I had the ...I don't think you know how tall I really am..how much I really weigh excuse that every girl holds in the back of her mind...but he convinced me he was pretty strong and it was all about technique anyways.

Yeah, it was fun. But the thing that stuck with me...the reason I'm writing about it is because when he told me he was going to flip me about the third time, I gave him a look that to me registered as "Umm..I'm not so sure...it was fun both the first and the second time, but seriously..." He laughed and said, "man, your eyes just totally lit up". I don't think I could trust a whole lot of people to just throw me up in the air over a hard surface in the middle of a crowd. But here he was offering this small adventure, tossing me out of my comfort zone, asking for my trust.

I realized that night, that I long for moments of trust. I know dancing seems like such a small thing...not like bungy jumping or parachuting or scouting out an indigenous country. But stepping out, trusting someone to help me do something I secretly have longed to do but never had the chance. It reminded me of the first time my brother convinced me that the front seat of the roller coaster is always the best...this, after I had concluded that I'd probably never ride again. Now, it's the only way to go. :)

No wonder my eyes lit up. It was an adventure that I didn't have to take on alone. There was someone beside me...and a risk to be taken. I'm glad he noticed, because then I was able to recognize a little piece of what I've been longing for. I know better what to look for now. I can't stop thinking about it. "Do you trust me?"...in the right context, this is becoming my favorite question.

Coming to the End

The tears came tonight. Actually, they've shown up a lot recently. But tonight, after talking with mom...I couldn't hold them back anymore. And then my roomate came out and I made her cry with all my crying.

I want so badly to know Christ. I mean know Him. Not just know about Him. I've grown up with Him, tasted His life, seen His goodness. But I feel like I'm missing something. I feel empty, worn out, insecure...like who I am is not enough to even get His attention.

And the thing is...I can't live like that. I can't live going through the motions. I am seeing a great big empty world and I can't even do anything about it. I have friends who do not know Him. I know people who are full of sickness and hurts that need to be healed. And I want to SEE them saved, healed, set free...FULL of the life of God. But how can I do that if I am not full of the life of God?

By the world I am seen as "conservative"...quoted by a guy I had a good conversation with the other night while line dancing. By my best friend, who is in full time ministry, I am seen as a liberal Christian. I go out and blend in. And it's all the name of relationship. I go out with the teachers b/c I want to form relationships with them. I've always done that...since way back in high school. But what am I doing that's different? What am I doing that shows the life of God? What in me is drawing them to Christ? Right now...there is nothing that I can see.

And my kids. 15 hungry little hearts....waiting to be ministered to, taught every day. I feel like I'm letting them down...letting God down.

I am not FULL of life. I feel so sad, quiet, so focused on ME. The Bible says that it is the relationships between God and the gentiles that will move the Jews to jealousy. There is nothing in my life worth being jealous of.

When I was young my biggest question was..."If I was standing on a stage in front of the world, how would everyone understand my words in their own language?" I seriously pondered that. And then I would think about how to invite my neighborhood for Bible studies in my backyard. The thought of both of those things scares me now. In the back of my mind I don't think I know God enough. I don't think I'm walking in His fullness. I'm so afraid of using Him and never really knowing Him.

I need more of God. I don't want to minister to ANYone until the life of God dwells in me richly. Otherwise it is empty...so, so empty.

The Love of Christ

Romans 8:37-39:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life,

nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers,

nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature,

shall be able to separate us from the love of God,

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Next...the World

Four to six weeks from today I will be receiving my passport!!! One step closer to stepping off of the North American continent and seeing the rest of the world. With all of this excitement I am wondering what took me so long to get to this point. There's a time for everything I suppose. And there are plans in the works....Europe this summer. :)

Jesus Saves

I sure am missing my computer...it's sitting in the backroom of Best Buy right now...waiting to be fixed. I got the blue screen early last week. That was after the flickering screen. Ugh. I almost thought my pictures would be lost b/c my computer won't read the hard drive...but apparently they can be backed up for $90 on another computer. Thanks Best Buy....always working...to make more money. And as my dad so poignantly reminded me after I realized my own error of not backing up my own files...."Jesus saves".

In other news, I learned that the Rabbi who is teaching my class on Jewish roots is the grandson of the guy who brought back the Hebrew language and wrote the 17 volume (or 18 I can't remember exactly) Hebrew dictionary...the most collective dictionary of any language in the world. His work and vision had a major impact on Israel becoming a nation again. I couldn't believe that in our small class of maybe 20 people (give or take a few) we were sitting and learning Hebrew from someone who was related to such history. (You can read about him clicking here.) His family has a cemetary plot on the Mt. of Olives...now that says something because only prominent Jews get the honor of being buried there....and this particular plot stands out because it is the only one surrounded by a wrought iron fence. Wow, I was impressed. Monday night was the best history lesson I have ever sat through. I am so looking forward to the day that I get to go to Israel.

FYI

Today is my half-birthday. :)

Edison Glass

I had the privilege of hanging with these guys this weekend. So cool to have known them in college and see them now continuing on with their dream.

Give them a listen.

My favorite is "When All We Have is Taken".

Cd comes out April 4.

Shifting the Paradigm

Redeem my heart....that's my prayer right now. Plain and simple yet with so much desperation. And the truth is, He already has....I just wish my own paradigm to shift so that I can actually see...so that I can actually walk in confidence and trust. There's a lost world out there...surrounds me every day...and yet I am still walking in need of a Savior. I am still so aware of my incapabilities and longings. I wish myself to be further down the road already.

Go ORU!!!

TULSA, Okla. The Oral Roberts University men's basketball team, which claimed the 2006 Toshiba Mid-Continent Conference Tournament title with an 85-72 win over Chicago State last Tuesday, has been slated as the #16 seed in the Oakland Regional for the upcoming 2006 NCAA Tournament. The Golden Eagles will take on #1 seed Memphis, the Conference USA regular season and tournament champion, at Dallas' American Airlines Arena on Friday afternoon at 1:50 p.m. More here.

I know, I know...they look like the underdogs...but it's very exciting to see my team play!!! If anyone wants to record the game for me...I'll be at work...I don't have a way to tape it.

The Truth of the Matter

"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized."

Dr. Haim Ginott

Correcting Homework

A note written on Alexis' homework sheet today (her sister is in 2nd grade):

"Miss T., my sister did my times tables for me. I checked them though and made sure they were right."

1 Peter 5

8Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
9Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset--rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined], knowing that the same (identical) sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood (the whole body of Christians) throughout the world.
10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.
11To Him be the dominion (power, authority, rule) forever and ever. Amen (so be it).

Ode To Tilex

Tilex Mildew Remover is the best. I never knew such a thing existed. My apartment is now mold free...in five minutes without any scrubbing. Even my windowsills...totally clean.

Foreign Soil

My brother has been sending pics from Iraq. He is right in the middle of history. I'm so proud of him. And I have to also admit that I'm a bit jealous. You can read more about him on his own blog. 

It's Over!!!

FCAT week is officially over! Every bubble has been filled in...every child has finished the test...we are done. My 3rd graders were totally silent for at least 2 hours every morning...talk about a challenge. But they did it!! Next week, we go back to regular schedules...less stressed out teachers, less stressed out principal. (That will be good for my evaluation coming up next week.) And then came the news....the teachers were laughing at me today during recess..."just wait until the last 9 weeks of school...then you'll think the FCAT was nothing!"

Thank You

Dear Savannah,
I was thinking today that even though we chatted for a bit last week, we still haven't talked since. I know you come here to read, so I thought I'd let you know here....that I am thankful for you as well. You brought me the comfort of friendship in a new place. You helped me settle and opened up doors I would not have found on my own. You are faithful and loyal. Never in my life have I met someone so committed or so willing to go out of their way. Thank you for sharing yourself and your time with me. 

On the Road

Today: I woke up at 10:30, called mom and dad around 1:00 and asked if I could be their tag along for the day, found my bathroom flooded at 1:05, rushed to get ready anyways, told dad about the flood when he got here, watched dad clean up my bathroom for me, ate Mexican for lunch, spilled my water at the table (what's up with the water?), saw a lot of houses for sale (mom and dad are looking), took over 100 pictures of the North Florida landscape, went grocery shopping at a different store than usual, received the benefit of having a very good looking manager offer to take my groceries to my car (after he had continuously shown up in the same parts of the store as I did), ran into the automatic door on the way out (I pick the best times to be the least coordinated), laughed at myself all the way home, talked to Jilli for awhile, cooked an artichoke for over an hour and then finally figured out it needed to be covered while cooking, and now I sit here blogging while Alan Jackson is sings old hymns on the Grand 'Ol Opry..."Tis' So Sweet to Trust in Jesus".

While we were on the road today, grandma called my cell and put grandpa on the phone. He's home from the hospital on a weekend pass and wanted to thank me for the gift I had sent him. After him being so sick, I was afraid of how he would sound, but all I heard was "Hiiiiiiii April!" ...just as chipper as he has always been. He shared with me that at first the doctors had told him that he'd be on dialysis the rest of his life. Current prognosis: he'll never need it again. Grandpa is on the mend. A month ago we didn't know if he would even make it home. In his own words, he has "received a miracle." Yes. :) 

Commercial Free Beachfront

Sunset at Fernadina.
I loved the reflection of the water when I took this picture. 

Multi-Tasking

How to carry your camera, shoes and shells while walking on the beach. :) Missy is one of my dearest friends. She was my road trip buddy through college. Now that she's married and we're in different states, we've started driving long distances to visit each other. This is last weekend when she came down from SC.

Homemade Cookies

The day before Valentines Day my kids asked me to make them some cookies. So...I did. They were iced with creamy white frosting and decorated with red cinnamon candies. My 3rd graders have received a lot of gifts this year...our school has a lot of giveaways. But I think the cookies topped the list. Still, two weeks later they're talking about the cookies. "Did your mom make those cookies, Miss T.?" "Did you really make them yourself?" Even a second grader came up and told me how much she enjoyed the cookie her sister had shared with her. Who knew a little baking would go such a long way? 

Quietness and Trust

Isaiah 30:15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength.

Galatians 1:10 Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).


I had a meeting with a parent this morning and a team of three other professionals concerning her son, my student. This particular student has been struggling the whole year...basically he is not capable of performing at grade level. But he is SUCH a hard worker, and so even tempered. He is probably one of the best students in my class. I don't feel like I've done a whole lot...the only thing I have done is encourage her awkward little boy everyday in my class. There are a few teachers who outright look down on him. I never have. I believe in that little guy. He tries so hard. He and his mom have been so discouraged that he could not have had the help he needed sooner. So we've been working on things, trying to get this guy back where he needs to be. This particular mother has been through so much...cancer treatment, not enough food or money to pay the bills...etc. She broke down crying today, in the middle of our meeting...looked straight at me and thanked me for all that I've done. Her words meant so much more than an administrative opinion on the management of my classroom. It told me that this year, I was in the right place at the right time.

I've been so worried about what people think of my teaching...so worried that it has affected my teaching. I've been so concerned with formalities that I have forgotten who I am working for. I'm working for God. He should be my focus....all else flows from that...as my roomate reminded me on the way to school this morning.

I realize that most of my problems lately have stemmed from this one issue. I am looking for the favor of people around me rather than trusting in the favor of God. I have been voicing my fears, my worries, my concerns to everyone around me....getting worked up and overly concerned. And the still, quiet voice inside of me says..."Is it really that big of a deal?" I want to fight for myself, I want to be treated with respect, I want to know that I belong somewhere, that I am making a difference....and because of these things, so much fear has been coming out of my mouth. Some kind of hardness...defensiveness has crept in. It's not me.

And so, realizing this, I haven't had a lot to write because really and truly I don't want to write about it anymore. Really and truly I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go through this, get through this. I want to finally be confident in God and His favor in my life...to walk in quietness and trust...instead of strife and constant rehashing of the same frustrations.

Transformation

My roomate and I spent valentine's evening cooking dinner. While eating we began to discuss Heaven. I'm pretty convinced that I want to go there. I think about it a lot. There's a really great chapter about Heaven in Journey of Desire. I actually sat and read this chapter to Carrie last night. This is a quote from that chapter that stuck out to me, it speaks of the way that Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of Heaven and relates His stories to the fairy tales that we have been raised with:

Maybe above all they are tales of transformation

where all creatures are revealed in the end as what they truly are -

the ugly duckling becomes a great white swan,

the frog is revealed to be a prince,

and the beautiful but wicked queen is unmasked in all her uglisness.

They are tales of transformation where the ones who live happily ever after,

as by no means everybody does in fairy tales,

are transformed into what they have it in them at their best to be.

- Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner

Lately, during the middle of the day, I have found myself imagining places and stories...these pictures are so vivid that I long to just sit down and write about them...but usually I'm in the middle of teaching, so no can do. When I do actually write these things down, I want them to be stories that reflect such transformation as I quoted above.

Just random thoughts before I head to bed...

A Digital Miracle :)

About a month ago, I went to visit some very close friends and celebrate their daughter's sixth birthday. There were bubbles at the party. What happens when a two year old, bubbles and a camera get together? The bubbles won that day. The zoom was stuck, the dials no longer worked properly, the picture button no longer took pictures. L.i.q.u.i.d. damage. I was so sad...that was almost $300 down the drain....not to mention...one of my favorite past times. I went to Best Buy and they told me it would be cheaper just to buy a brand new camera rather than to get my own fixed. Dad said he would take a look at it if I brought it over, but there were no guarantees there either. In desperation I prayed over my camera and asked God to fix it; that didn't seem to do anything either. A month has gone by with it just sitting dormant in my closet.

Mom and dad showed up today, unexpectedly. I decided to pull out the camera and have dad take a look...just in case he could do something. After putting new batteries in he claimed that there was nothing wrong with the camera. WHAT? I couldn't believe it. My camera is totally fine. Now you may be thinking it was the batteries, but seriously it was not. That camera did NOT work a couple weeks ago. And now, fine. I'm so thankful. :)

Starting Over

I love the promise of things to come. I love knowing that something new is just around the corner. And deep down inside, I have to admit, that sometimes I like to let go of the old. But the truth of it all is that it's hard to start over.

Starting over means being alone for awhile. It means redefining everything I have known before. It means taking stock of who I really am, in the midst of changing circumstances.

I don't like the me I see right now.

I don't like being alone.

I don't like having to put myself out there.

Tonight, I realized again how much I have to trust God. If I want to succeed here, I have to trust that He will lead me to the right places and the right people. And when I find people I have to trust that they will not turn away. I have to be vulnerable all over again. I really can be the biggest nerd too. Ask my sister, ask some of my close friends. Knowing this makes me a little nervous. I haven't had a group of close friends to walk with in a long time. But in order to see my prayers answered I have to be available. I have to go when I am afraid to go. I have to speak when I am afraid to speak. Because, if I back away, if I stay in my quiet apartment, how will I meet anyone who will reach back to me?

I've seen it happen before. I have so many good friends around the world. In this place of starting over, I have to trust that God will be faithful to bring relationships again. I have to trust that He will continue to mold me into someone who is also able to reach out and bless the others around me. I don't feel like that person right now. But I can see her. I can see myself at peace....I am looking forward to that time and place.

Reminded

I had to push myself to go to church tonight. I had been invited by one of the ushers, an acquaintance I had made just five days earlier. It promised to be a packed out service with people my age. I was afraid to show up alone, to sit alone...to awkwardly ask two other new acquaintances if I could join their row. But the night turned out okay. Two of the guys I knew are from Rochester. We had some places and friends in common.

After church we went down to San Marco to drink some coffee. There was a girl playing her guitar with a back up cello-ist (however you spell that). Her voice sang a raw Patsy Kline as we stood in line to order our cups of coffee. It was as if we had entered a living room of sorts...couches everywhere, a television playing the Winter Olympics. The four of us squeezed into a space right next to the instruments. I could imagine myself playing out like this girl. Usually, I can't. But tonight, I wished very much for someone to turn to me and say...how about taking a spin with the guitar? How about playing us all a tune? I really think I could have done it.

This one friend had been to a few Sweet Aromas too....for those of you who remember our worship sessions on the front lawn of Starbucks every Sunday night. He said he remembered one of the twins (meaning you Jen and Wen) playing guitar and busting out the most beautiful voice. He went on and on about the sound. I don't remember a time when either of you played, and maybe you did. I don't know if it was me he remembered or not. But what I do know is that, tonight, there was such a hunger in me to play again. I wanted so much to sing a song for a crowd. I wanted so much to let it all out. The conversation led to questions of "do you play?" "do you sing too?" etc.

I began to think about my thought patterns before I moved here. I remembered telling myself that I could leave my fears behind me. I remembered telling myself that I could start all over again and confidently move towards my dreams. I remembered being glad to move away from those that I never felt accomplished enough to play in the light of. I remembered tonight as I came home to play my guitar. I began to write another song.

Deeper

This week has gotten better. Little bit by little bit. I'm learning how to quiet myself. I'm learning how to trust God. I'm seeing how the peace of my students is directly related to the peace that I carry in the classroom. Too often, I relied on the thought that the happiest of circumstances would show me what I need to know. Not true. The only word I can come up with right now is depth. God is giving me depth. He's making more room for life. I've tried all week to post...but the words are not coming. And it's not because I don't have anything to say. The verse that comes to mind is the one in Isaiah that says He quiets us with His love. I am quiet...after being humbled, after growing weary of my own pursuits. I am seeing that strength does not come through striving; strength comes in quietness and trust. God strengthen my heart in the days to come.

Sowing Tears

Another day in the life...

I cried in front of my kiddos Friday. Any teacher would tell you never to let your guard down. They would say that it shows weakness; shows that you cannot keep the control. I wasn't crying out of self pity....at least that's not how it all registered.

My kids are only 3rd graders and yet there is so much frustration already in their lives. They fight over menial words and misunderstood facial expressions. If their pride is challenged they are up in arms. They overreact to being misunderstood and yet do not seek to understand each other.

Friday, I was already tired. Tired of being observed all week long. Tired of my coaches and principal questioning whether or not I could do my job. So much so that I was beginning to question my own ability. Tired of feeling as if I will be the rookie for a long time and maybe never get this career under my belt. Wanting so much to make a difference and yet feeling that any difference I have been making has been more negative than positive. If only I was more experienced now. If only I actually knew how to organize and make learning exciting. If only I could draw the heart and talent out of these children.

And there they were all morning...arguing with one another...arguing with me. Using cutting words to make their point; using threatening remarks to manipulate their own position in the classroom. I was not enthused. I pulled C. aside...his reaction to getting in trouble is to retreat. He will not speak to me, will not look at me. And for two days he has been asking to go to another classroom. Ugh. When the girls left for CIS I pulled the boys aside for a reading activity. It didn't work...so I opened the floor for discussion...they could say anything they were feeling...as long as it wasn't cutting towards anyone in the group. Of course it was cutting though. But I had opened the floor so I let them say what needed to be said and I took notes to show them it was important.

When the girls came back in the room....it all went downhill. I could try to sit here and type out the logistics of relations but I won't. It got to the point where I couldn't even teach. I was so frustrated...and the kids were frustrated. So I pulled them together in the group area. And I began to tell them how I felt. I didn't even know what to say. I just kept praying, "God tell me what to do; intervene SOMEhow." I told them that I was frustrated. I told them how much I wanted to teach them. I told them that they didn't even know how special they were and that if they did then they wouldn't be treating each other the way that they do. And as I began to share my heart towards them I began to cry. I don't think they knew what to do. I think they started to feel the tears too by the looks on their faces. I could hear the words from other teachers, "never let them see you cry." But it had already started...and to really tell the truth...I think they needed to see it. I also apologized for not being patient with them. I told them that the Bible tells us that love is patient, and if we love each other then we should be patient with one another...etc, etc. I said a lot. I don't know how much it changed things. I really don't know.

All this to say, I don't know if I am good or not. What I do know is that I need God to intervene. After this past week of being in question at work, and going through what I've been through with the kids...the only thing that's going to show me that I'm doing a good job is the fruit of my work. It will not the be nice words and compliments by people who have not seen me teach. It will not be the overanalysis of peers or administration. It will be the actual lives of these kids played out...it will be the result of this year and the years following. Did they grow or not? Are they changed or not? Will they succeed or will they fail? How overwhelming. How humbling to know that their lives are so affected by my own. I know my shortcomings; I see my lacking work ethic. I see my ignorance and my lack of knowledge. I see the defaults of my heart. I don't know why God gave these 15 children to me. I don't know if I'm taking care of them as He would want me to. I could be doing so MUCH more...and yet I don't know how to do it. I can't even put my arms around it.