Sweet little ladies on vacation in Oban.
This is an all out rock fight. Handfuls of large rocks are being thrown...and in between much laughter is being exchanged.

I sat here on a little bench for awhile and watch four young boys dig between rocks for a ring they had lost. The water was so cold, I am sure the one boy in the water was the color blue as he walked home. 

This moment speaks for itself.
George Square in Glasgow...where lunch is eaten and the sun is soaked in. Leah and I spent about three hours one day in this park.
During the three hours, I watched this couple fight and make up.
Not quite on the beat, but it's still fun to watch people play their instruments next to the water. 

The People, cont.

The park near St.Enoch subway where we sang "Yellow" at least twice and serenaded a group who was full of heart and drink at the same time.
We ran into a lot of these types of musicians on the street. Playing for money in Scotland is called "busking".
The listening crowd.
One lone guitarist. 

So, About Scotland

It was amazing. Absolutely beautiful. I hit the ground running when I came home last week. Hence the gap in my blogging. My classroom is almost ready for school on Monday. It looks awesome...way better than last year. I'm pretty sure I removed most of the roaches...blechk. Now if I can just find the right tape to keep posters stuck to the painted brick walls I'll be all set. I'm just about to post some pics...then maybe some more thoughts.

Jesus and Politics

Disowning Conservative Politics Is Costly for Pastor

I came across this article from the New York Times this morning. If you have a minute to read through it, the contents reveal some challenging thoughts. Drop me a line and let me know what you think.

Now they tell me...

Just got back from Scotland two nights ago and msn publishes this article today. Ten days was a perfect amount of time, but it wasn't enough to see all of Scotland. What an amazing country..rich in history and beauty.

Rain on the hills

Rain falls on the hills as the sound of guitar and jimbey play their worship. My heart is open...it feels like a song waiting, longing to be played. I've started three more songs in the past few days. I'm hungry to play the guitar we have carried to Scotland. I think about it more and more. I'm hungry to read the word. I have finally finished Matthew and am headed through Mark. I'm looking at the life of David again, particularly where he was chosen over all his older brothers to be the king of Israel.

Church was divinely appointed this morning. I was so touched by Him that I responded to a call for prayer. Kat prayed for me. I mean, she listened to the Lord, prayed in the Spirit and then prayed over me. It is so rare to find a church so full of life and running with fresh water. I drank fresh water this morning. So fresh that my tired perspective is changing. New directions? New possibilities? Aye. (yes)

It is time for change. Time to switch perspectives. Time to stop doing what I feel is good and right and responsible; time to listen to the Lord and talk with Him about my life. Time to follow in the path He has already set up for me. It may not be the practical, safe path. It may not be the one I have assumed. I need to be okay with that...in fact, I think I really am okay with that.

We are headed to Iona tomorrow. Headed to the place where Christianity was carried into Scotland. I won't be here to update until I get home to the States. Can't wait to share the pictures...can't wait to write more updates.

Miss you all. And when I say "you"...I mean you...I have carried you in my heart.

Touching History

Here are some links to places I've been this week. I am almost overwhelmed at the history here. I want to soak it all up...way more exciting than sitting through a high school lecture 10 years ago...way more exciting.

Paisley Abbey

Stirling Castle

Glasgow Cathedral

We still plan on seeing the Isle of Iona and Edinburgh before we leave. I might have to buy more batteries and another memory card for my camera. Beth, you would have a blast taking pictures here.

Glasgow And Its Patriarchs

The sun rises around 4am and the light of it still shines until somewhere between 10 and 11pm. We are further north than I thought.

We checked out Glasgow today and plan to return tomorrow to see a Cathedral and an art museum. Today we walked the streets with Leah's guitar, whom we affectionately named "Gertie". Lots of good architecture, street musicians, one street canvas and many, many people. It is not much different than here but then again it is. The parks are full of people eating lunch, talking, basking in the record high heat (which by the way happens to be nice and cool compared to Florida or the heat of the midwest). The accents are inflected with Scottish, sometimes easy to understand and other times easier just to nod and pretend you know what they are saying. People are very friendly here.

So we played a lot of guitar today. Or rather Leah did and I played a bit for a few moments here and there. I didn't mind listening, watching the people, snapping pictures, writing new lyrics in my journal. The peace of God surround us here. I feel as if we are on a mission or maybe God is on the mission and we're here to experience it.

We met Danny Boy and Kelly in one round-about park today. They had a two liter bottle half- filled with alcohol. Drunk as they were, they wanted to sing and Leah was their minstrel. We sang "Yellow" twice, "Clocks" and only part of an Emmy Lou Harris. A few of their other friends joined us too...also drunk. Try to understand Scottish and slur at the same time...it is not easy. We stayed until I didn't feel quite safe anymore...Kelly was angry about us getting the attention and there were too many others around to feel comfortable. As we left Danny Boy told us (with much concern is in voice) to be very careful and stay safe as we walked around the city. Hmm...thanks for the tip.

We spent the rest of the day in an incredible park uptown a bit. The pigeons really do swoop in large masses through these parks you know. I have decided after much pigeon and seagull watching today that I do not ever want a statue made of myself to be placed in a park with birds. It seems to defeat the purpose of honor as they perch on the heads of these patriarchs and excrete their droppings as only birds can do. It's rather disgusting and quite ironic.

Another day is done...tomorrow I will wake up again in Paisley...the home of the actual paisley design...once home to some of the largest cotton mills...in a house that used to hold the family accredited for inventing spools of thread..or something like that. Can't wait to post the pictures.

Good Day..from Scotland :)

Leah and I landed in Edinburgh today around 10:30am. From there we found the bathrooms, an atm, and a bottle of water. We got two bottles of water for 1.30 pounds. We walked to the buses where we found directions to Glasgow, hopped onto the nearest bus and headed for the next bus stop. We waited there for about 15 minutes hopped onto a double decker bus and were taken all the way into Glasgow. Beautiful ride by the way. After reaching Glasgow's bus station, Leah and I grabbed a bite to eat. I had a bbq chicken sandwich and juice for under 3 pounds...I'm telling you...the food here is really cheap.

Leah and I then walked to what we thought was the correct train station and bought a ticket...and then found out we were in the wrong place. The tickets were still good...we were told that we just needed to hop onto another bus and be taken to the correct place. This time the ride took us through Glasgow...beautiful, historical city (pictures to come).

When we arrived at the city center...wow...it was a huge train station with lots of shops, people, trains. I would have taken pictures but we found our train was leaving within five minutes time. We hiked it to Platform 12 and took a short, scenic train route in Paisley. While on the train, I met Claire, a student at St. Andrews. I gave her bandaids for her blisters...she was headed to France to stay on the beach with some friends on holiday. People don't even ask where we're from...they automatically know that we're from the states.

So after the train, we met up with a taxi who took us to the ministry base we are staying with. I can't wait to post pictures...this house is a historical landmark...stone around the outside...winding staircase inside...large rooms and a gorgeous view of a lake the breas (small hills) of Scotland. The people who run this ministry have given us a room, linens, have taken us to the grocery store, and have invited us to cook out with them tonight. What a blessing. The kids who usually are here are out on ministry right now, so this great big house is quiet, peaceful.

I don't know what the next few days hold, but let me tell you..it's off to a great start. God has ordered our steps.

Morning

We could actually see the sun move in the sky. 

Walking at Sunrise

Here are the results of Beth and I's all nighter.
After the sun rose we walked another mile and a half to have french toast for breakfast at The Oasis. Mornings like these are few and far between.



 

One American Dream

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life?

Or what shall a man give in return for his life?"

Matthew 16:24-26

I've been contemplating this verse for a couple of months now. It started at the end of the summer. I began to feel uncomfortable about my house hunting. I knew that needing a house in itself was not a bad thing, it was the expectation that I "should" have a house, "should" have a new car, "should" have the things that every adult in this day and age aquires...ipod, running shoes, vacation, white picket fence....the American dream.

Who said the American dream was the best dream? Who said that the American dream was God's dream? Why is it that when I have acquired exactly what I want, I feel that more is just out of reach?

I watched the sun rise this morning...and then tonight, the moon rose above the water. I watched the waves roll in on the sand throughout the afternoon. Tonight I looked up at the stars and saw at least two shoot across the sky. Ancient people would worship the sun, the moon and the stars as if each were god. Thankfully, I know better. But, even still, their beauty causes my heart to open up, to contemplate things beyond who I am. There is something about creation that reminds me of His greatness, His beauty, His love.

He is all I need. God, how I know that. I know it. I know it. And yet there's nothing I can do to make it more real. There's nothing I can do to make that fact work for me. That revelation alone does not get me the house, the car, a family of my own. I can't do anything to make God perform for me. And yet I am nowhere near to measuring up in my performance for Him.

How then shall I live? The question rolls over and over in mind. How do I live for God without always feeling guilty? How do I simply just live for Him because I love Him and not because I want something from Him?

What is God's dream for me? I have a feeling it is not my dream. I saw the fulfillment of my dreams. And I embraced the dream as it died in my arms. So I stand here, without a dream and without much hope for more. I don't know the measure of my days. I don't know anything beyond today, beyond what I see.

But I want to know. I want to see this great God who lays claim to my heart, to every single day of my life. I want to watch the sun rise in my heart and His oceans spring forth on the shores of this young life. When others see me, I want them to be reminded of Him, of their hunger for something more, something deeper.

I want to know Christ and to make Him known.

Early morning update

It's 4am.
Bethany is sitting across the room...still wide awake...
we're laughing about watching the sunrise.

Josh is home from Iraq...
I heard his voice loud and clear yesterday
we talked about a visit soon.

Three guys brought us girls beer tonight on the beach.
We declined the beverage but offered room to talk.
They asked me to play them a song on my guitar, so I sang to them about Jesus
and then passed the guitar on around the circle.
They hung out with Wen, Beth and I for at least an hour
as we were leaving they asked if we were on a missions trip...lol...
maybe so...seems we were comfortable in our boldness to share tonight.

Living it up in St. Augustine

Beth and I are very proud to say that we have graduated from the oldest schoolhouse in America.
Yeah. We know.
The crew. Photo-op after church.

*All photography credit goes to Beth our vacation photographer.

Read It

 

A good cup of coffee

Here I sit at grandma and grandpa's,
looking them in the eyes and
feeling the importance of being with family.
We drink coffee with milk and sugar,
listening to stories that are both old and new
I found out facts I never knew,
like about the time my grandparents sang at the Ryman Theatre,
or how my other grandpa wanted to build an orphanage in India.
I sit through an akward silence here and there,
nodding my head, saying "yep"
not knowing how to fill the gaps in conversation
my suitcase is filled with the smell of a spilled hair product
if I sit here just right and manage not to move more than an inch or two
my laptop picks up a very low signal
It's good to be home, to be the grandchild..the niece
I feel grown up now...more so than last year or the year before
is it the rental car in the driveway?
the experiences that have brought me back to here?
adulthood has crept in
and yet the child in me still puts her feet up while sitting at the kitchen table,
still hugs and kisses everyone who walks in and out of the door,
still listens more than she speaks,
All I want is to embrace these moments...carry them with me
How fragile, how rare and precious
to be with people you love.

Tulsa by Tuesday

and by Saturday..NY. This summer is FLYing by. :) Hope to see lots of you in my travels. More pictures to come I am sure.

This week in pictures...

I thought the wording on this sign was interesting...
Dinner on the Regal Empress.... Did we get a good table or what? :)Each night when we came back to our room, everything had been straightened up and our beds had been turned down.
Pre-snorkeling...you can't see it but the water was so blue and clear.
A nighttime view of Universal Studios, Orlando.

Waiting for the SuperMan experience.

Need we say more??

In a nutshell...

This week, I...
vegged with Lys and watched cheesy made-for-tv movies.
snorkeled in the Bahamas. (saw a fish with buck-teeth..no kidding..I swallowed a bunch a salt water laughing with Lys about it...lol.)
met people from Romania, Poland, Russia, Philippines, Bahamas, Ukraine...and the list goes on but I can't remember them all.
braved some new roller coasters.
made some new friends from Wisconsin and Ohio.
got to know my sister...we haven't spent quality time together in so long.
went on two time-share tours...said "no" one too many times.
experienced withdrawals from using the information highway.
watched the stars and moon from the deck of a ship with no land in sight.
sang Karaoke for the first time ever.
paid $3 to listen to 3 little guys from the Bahamas sing us a song on the street...who can say no to a song? (This is them in the picture.)
experienced what it might be like to be chased by the paparazzi.
remembered why sunscreen was so important.
found a Starbucks that stays open until 2am.

Another Good Read

Promises

LA Gone Wild

Hiking in Calabasas...felt like we were on a movie set or something. Aside from the smog over the mountains, can you believe this is LA?
Look very closely...
Love the tree.
Bees. Everywhere.
More wildlife.

Happy Memorial Day

Thank you, brother. I remember you. Get back here. I miss you.

Edison Glass

This is Edison Glass warming up last night at Murray Hill here in Jax. Awesome show. If you all haven't checked them out yet...do it...you don't know what you've been missing!

Around the world

Four more days...until the summer officially begins.
Four more days...until I send off the kids and pack my own bags. I'm going to miss them. It's been a good year. Better is the end of a thing than the beginning. That's what the Proverb says and I quite agree. Next year will be easier.

I'll be traveling all summer. My calendar has me home for only about two weeks out of the whole 9. Awesome. Did I mention how much I love being a teacher? :)

Hey, One Day people...remember singing to the people in Botswana over the satellite? I sang that song to my 3rd graders last week when we talked about Botswana in a math lesson. They loved it. I've also been teaching them about Zambia because of the little girl I adopted there. They were begging to take a field trip there. "Miss T. plleeaase? We can go next week!" When I tried to explain the time difference and the financial problems for getting there, Alexis piped in with full assurance, "That's no problem, we can have a car wash up at the corner. That'll give us plenty of money." :) These kids make me want to find ways to take them around the world...that's for sure.

Our Deepest Fear

I've been looking for this quote.
Ever since I first read it in one of Jilli's many books,
I have remembered it and carried it close to my heart.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves,

"Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?"

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking

so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God within us.

It is not just in some of us;

it is in all of us, in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson, "Return to Love"~

Psalm 40

As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

3 My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

4 These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.

5 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon?from Mount Mizar.

7 Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

8 By day the LORD directs his love,
at night his song is with me?
a prayer to the God of my life.

9 I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"

10 My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God?"

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Suttle changes

This past week I....
hugged my sister who came home from college.
went to church five times (a current record).
let go.
had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in about seven years.
ate sushi...twice.
realized that I love event planning.
(Sweet aroma, the beach, one whole week...can't wait.)
made some new friends.
danced at a wedding.
talked to my brother in Iraq.
took 3 naps.
finally finished some lesson plans....now if I could just get those grades done.
taught my 3rd graders about Iraq and Zambia.
ate cereal for dinner...twice.
tried to blog...twice...but couldn't think of what to write...hence, the fill in the blank format.

Dishwasher

After school tutoring is always interesting. Carrie (my roomate and colleague) get a kick out of these kids. Anyways, today was our last day...so we played games, passed around jokes, and had a pizza party. Here is the best knock, knock joke I have heard in a long time. You actually have to read this out loud to get it...very funny. :)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dishwasher.

Dishwasher who?

Dishwasher how I schounded when I losht my falsh teeth.

Just brightens up your day doesn't it? :)

Because God is Good

Missy and I have called them "boy stories". It's almost tradition. Whenever we catch up with one another, she will ask about them. And, inevitably...I will have someone new to talk about, some new drama to laugh or cry over, and some new set of circumstances to bring hope or disappointment. Lots of stories, lots of life lessons over the years.

I do not regret the times I have opened my heart. I do not regret the times of letting go. I do not regret getting to know someone. I do not regret any story that I have walked through. But I have had this hope, as anyone would, that one day the boy stories would come to a final pivotal point....that one day, the real love story would begin.

I didn't think about the fact that the love story had already begun. I forget so easily that there is a deeper love story at work in my life.

I thought I had found it. In fact, I was so sure that I began to speak out loud about it. About him. It was too good, too perfect to not be excited right away. I told Missy that it wasn't just another boy story, that seriously this could be the one for which every other boy story would be put to rest.

Apparently, God had other plans. Because I still can't figure out how it ended. This amazing moment appeared in my life, so suddenly, so out of the blue, and then disappeared as if it was only a dream. Except, now I am different...I am changed. I can't bring this person back. I can't even hold on to what I believed about them. All I can do is trust God, that He knows best...and as Job put it...The Lord gives and the Lord takes away...Blessed by the name of the Lord. I never liked that verse. I didn't like it's theology, but who am I to change scripture...when that very scripture is changing me?

I have no answer for the mystery behind my current circumstances. But I have seen God move in my life so strongly these past few weeks. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about little foxes spoiling the vine. There have been many little foxes in my life. Relationships, lifestyle choices, little things that caused me to compromise the very relationship that I crave with the Lord. This guy that walked into my life three weeks ago changed all that. Because of him, I don't want to compromise anymore. For a few days I tasted a joy and an adventure that I had not tasted for so long, if ever. I have such a hunger now to be joyful, the enjoy life, to embrace what God has given to me. I have seen something so good that I don't want to go back. Now that I know that there is better, I don't want to hang around with all of the worries and false hopes that I have struggled with. I don't want to waste any more time. And so I have closed a lot of doors that should not have been left open in the first place.

My heart is turning in a new direction. Aha, God. So this is what it was all about. A change in season. A season of walking with Him, knowing Him. A season of complete and honest trust in the One who has created a hope and a future for me. A season of letting go of all that has held me down in order to gain what has been set aside for me, to gain what I have been set apart for. A season to redeem the time.

I know it's coming. I know there is a story already written, already begun; a story so deep, so real, and so true that it can only be God. And how much more beautiful it will be, when my heart is at rest in the Lord, when I will be able to look back at the heartache and the questions, the letting go and the lessons learned...and I will be able to say...because God is good I am here in this place...because God is good I am not alone...because God is good He was not content to let me love apart from Him, He has brought me through the fire. He has brought me the desires of my heart. He has brought me to His heart. Because God is good.

Your Plan

Thank you for listening. You have heard my outbursts, my rash words, my fear at its height. I know that you stayed even when I did not trust you. I know that you waited while I ran after the rations of my own understanding. My eyes have not stopped crying for days. And yet, you are patient with me. I see your smile. I see your knowing look; it cuts straight to the root of my heart's condition. The way you look at me, is exactly how I see my children when I have acted on their behalf and they do not yet realize the good they are being given. I have yet to understand your goodness, but in the midst of this struggle you let me start out new each day, as if the day before is gone and not held against me. Your promise still stands.

And I know that you are still waiting for me...waiting for me to walk forward instead of stand still; to let go of the fear that my past defines me, and to rest in knowing that You are the One who speaks of who I am...waiting for me to believe that you are who you say that you are...waiting for me to walk with you, truly walk with you, instead of trying to do it on my own.

I just want you to see that I'm trying, that my heart is in this. You have seen me already... hardened, broken. And you have mended the pieces that I never thought I would see again. I'm coming, Lord. I'm coming to meet up with you. You're right, it's time for something new. Let's walk arm in arm. Let's talk and laugh together again. Let's see what you have planned. I'm ready for your plan.

What is Hope?

I'm trying very hard to not close up my heart this time.
I'm trying very heard to stay open,
to hope for more. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid.

I prayed. I thought I heard God. I thought everything was good.
I thought I had His peace, His assurance.

I hate the arrows. The arrows that fly by day and threaten by night. The arrows that tell me of insignificance, lies, misplaced hope, unfulfilled dreams. The arrows that tell me that what I hope for is not pleasing to God. The arrows that point right at me and tell me that my life is worth nothing, that who I am is not enough.

I know that I am not the only one. I know that there are problems worse than mine, hearts more broken than my own. I know that this will pass and there will be new places and events and people to set my mind upon. I know, because I hear it over and over again, that this life is not about me...it's all about Him. I know that all I have to do is let it go. I know.

What is it about hope that creates such a fine line based on perspective? Either it makes you feel as if you are floating or, in stark contrast, it makes you feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff?

Is my hope valid or is it false?
Because here's the thing. What I see is such a disappointment compared to what I thought I would see. What I see is emptiness and void and that my heart has been reaching for a dream that was never real.

All I can do is sit here and say, "what?" And then I begin to cry because I am so angry and disappointed about the whole thing.

What is hope? It's been my question for a long time.

Flowers for the Teacher

Wilbur and Charlie came to class early this morning. They know they're supposed to wait outside the door with the rest of the classes...but this morning they had picked a beautiful arrangement of flowers on the way to school and couldn't wait to put it in my hands. "Miss T., there's an onion in there too." I didn't even have to ask...the smell of the wild onion overpowered any floral scents that might have come from the rest of the arrangement. "Yeah, Miss T., we got chased by a really big dog when we were picking this flower." I had to ask...not only were there wild flowers and weeds that might have grown anywhere along a sidewalk or parking lot on the way to school...mind you they don't live in the country...these flowers were also lovingly picked from gardens and flower beds all along the way. I love these kids. :)

Scotland

So I'm headed to Scotland this summer....thought I'd post a few pictures from this site I found tonight. :)

Three Things

I have tried to write a good number of posts since the last and none could seem to come out quite right. Even tonight I am unsure of the words that will be written here.

Three weeks ago I had a chance (and I use that word knowing that nothing is by chance) encounter with a person who would show me quite a few things about myself and my heart in general.

In order to remain anonymous tonight I will only write what happened to me. I will not include other names or times or places.

This person of interest was not someone I expected anything of or from in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that our paths would cross and when they did it was as if this person had quite appeared out of nowhere.

The first thing this person showed me is that there are those out there who will see my heart right away and who will know who I am without even asking. I am glad for those people. I am glad to skip all of the surface level chit-chat and get right to the heart of things. Someone who knows you right away will reflect back what you always knew about yourself but were afraid to believe or admit for one reason or the other. This person saw my sense of adventure, my energy...not the quietness and seriousness I get so quickly labeled and left with most of the time. This person made me want to live my life better and laugh out loud more often.

The second thing this person showed me is that my heart still works. After a harsh breakup almost two years ago, I didn't know if feeling strongly for another person was still possible. I didn't know that I could open my heart again. I can. I didn't know I could feel so much joy or hope. I did not know that I could feel the way that Rascal Flatts would explain it, "I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside that I just can't explain...like a weight that I carried been carried away...away." Whenever listening to that song I had always hoped that I would wake up feeling that way one day...the morning after spending time with this person...it is exactly how I felt...I can't even explain the peace and how different it felt from every other day.

I now also know that my heart is still able to hurt. I am still able to cry. I am still able to long for someone. I am still able to hope for more.

Now, after being seen and after allowing my heart to catch a glimmer of hope, I am still waiting to know about this person. In three short weeks my whole world has been changed. And I'm sitting here waiting, because I thought I saw something. I thought I heard the voice that I've been waiting to hear for so long. I thought, just maybe, that I felt at home and welcomed. I don't know, I'm still waiting.

Which leads me to the third thing this person has shown me. I feel alone. Being alone and feeling alone are two different things mind you. I am not alone, of course. I have God obviously at all times and in every way. I have a family whom I love and who loves me. I have amazing friends who are on call anytime, anywhere. No, I am not alone. And for quite some time, I have been content in my independent state. I am content to go to church on my own, share my day with roomates, go out with the girls on the weekends, make plans for traveling, invite others to come and visit, explore new things and places. I had come to the conclusion that I would buy a house on my own. Plan life, on my own. Pray and encourage others the best I knew how. And the list goes on.. Yes, I was surviving; not really paying attention to the dull ache that said, "wouldn't it be nice to share all of this WITH someone?" And this one person comes along, about the same way anyone would I guess. But this person was different somehow...sang a different tune, one that harmonized with mine more than anyone I've really met. And instead of sticking around, this person has managed to appear, then disappear, and then appear again, etc, etc. It leaves me with the clear perspective that I don't like living on my own. I don't like being as independent as I make myself out to be. I want to depend on someone. I want to vent and argue and discuss and live with someone. I don't like this aloneness. I don't like feeling as if I am on the outside of this relationship stuff...only looking at others who seem to have found such an amazing gift.

I desperately want to cling to what has been put in front of me. And the thing is I can't. I can't control it. I can't make it mine. I can't even submit to it and hope that it brings me in. I have to let go and let God take care of my heart. I have to trust that God knows my heart better than I know it. I have to trust that He has a good plan for my life...a plan that brings joy and hope...a plan that lifts the burden I so easily pick up and try to carry myself.

So, here I am....now reminded that there are others out there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me when we meet, reminded that my heart is still capable of feeling joy and hope, reminded that I have a great need for fellowship and friendship and love. Not bad for one person in three weeks time.

God help me trust you in the days ahead. Help me to have faith for what You have promised.

Breathing In

There's something about the ocean breeze late at night, the smell of roses mixed in with that breeze, the wind touching your skin, your hair while riding an old school bicycle through quiet beach neighborhoods, looking at houses that look so much more like a welcome home, lamposts burning, sprinklers watering, stars shining and a ring around the moon...something about it that breathes life into forgotten places. I felt like a young girl again, laughing out loud.

A Table Before Us

Two of my third graders were arguing with one another last week. Actually, one of the girls is in my class and the other one is a third grader who switched to the new teacher earlier this year. Both girls are leader material. Both of them long for attention. Needless to say, their desire for friends and a good reputation lead them into territorial arguments. When they came running up to me after P.E. last Monday, I looked at the other teacher and said, "Okay, they're eating lunch together all this week." And that was the deal...they were going to sit together and spend time together whether they liked it or not. Secretly, I thought that was probably what they had wanted anyways. In their argument, I heard them crying out for someone to show them how to be friends.

Monday.
They were embarrassed to sit together, but did so with much argument and foot stomping.

Tuesday.
Both thought I forgot about the lunchtime requirement. (Fortunately, I remembered this time.)More foot stomping. One of the girls refused to even finish eating her lunch. They sat at opposite ends of the table...arms crossed.

Tuesday afternoon.
I sent each an invitation to join me for lunch the next day. Real food...not cafeteria. They both rsvp'd and said they would come.

Wednesday.
We sat together at the table. Both were pretty quiet. I pulled out the lunchables (kids loves those things), grapes, and jello. And all of a sudden, this verse popped into my head...."He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies." We began to talk...not about anything in particular...just small talk. It was good. By the end of the lunchtime....without me even having to pull it out of them...they said goodbye to each other. That may sound small, but really, it was huge....they had refused to talk to each other before.

Wednesday after school.
I heard both girls again call across the sidewalk to say goodbye to each other.

So maybe they will continue to feel a little apprehension about befriending one another. I realize that peer pressure could keep them apart. But I do know this, for a few moments last week, these two girls were able to speak amicably to one another. They were at peace enough to go out of their way to say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever think about that verse in the same way again. And hopefully I'm not taking it out of context. I've always thought it was a prideful thing, like...haha, enemy, look how much God loves me. But, maybe, just maybe, He provides in a way that puts us in a position to share in the goodness of God together. Maybe some of our enemies should not be our enemies at all. Maybe God's love needs to step in and provide a table before us...to set our differences aside, to make amends, to be at peace. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Hillbilly Daydream

My brother wrote the this awesome poem today. If you have a moment I highly recommend the read. :) Josh, every time you write, I am reminded of the gift of God that you are. Love you.

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The Waiting

Psalm 27:13, 14

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Hosea 12:6
But you must return to your God;

maintain love and justice,

and wait for your God always.

Hebrews 6:15

And so after waiting patiently,

Abraham received what was promised.

James 5:7
Be patient, then, brothers,

until the Lord's coming.

See how the farmer waits

for the land to yield its valuable crop

and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

I looked through a Bible concordance this morning to find verses on waiting. These are only a few. Waiting seems to be a common theme throughout the Old and New Testament. Seems like when one is waiting it is very hard to keep hope alive. This morning I choose to remain hopeful in my waiting and remain confident in the Lord.