Death came so quickly, friend. I will miss you.

Shall we gather at the river,

Where bright angels he has brought,

With it's crystal tides forever

Flowing by the throne of God
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,That flows by the throne of God
Ere we reach the shining river

Lay we every burden down,

Praise our spirits will deliver

And provide our robe and crown.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God
Soon we'll reach the shining river,

Soon our pilgimage will cease,

Soon our happy hearts will quiver

With the melody of peace.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God.

~Robert Lowry~

It's been awhile...
All is well. Driving home from work the other day I realized that much of the weight has been lifted. What a relief. The past seems really to have passed. At the same time, I do not deny that there are issues below the surface that God is dealing with...heart issues. Although the initial pain is gone, I know that more healing is bound to be on the way. And for that, I am glad. God is good.

Driving home from work today, I was exhausted. I thought about how much I was looking forward to the weekend. I thought about how I would sleep in and get caught up on some much needed rest, cleaning, and shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and stopped to grab my mail near the front entrance gate. I grabbed the mail, walked back out to the car, and then, one of those moments that you expect to happen but never know is really coming, came. A Honda Civic pulled into the parking lot in front of me. Not uncommon, but when I looked at his face it was one that I had never wanted to see again. My weekend would not be what I had hoped.

What the hell? I had a few choice words as I prayed under my breath.

No, it wasn't Shawn. It was a guy I had shut the door on 5 years ago. He "heard" from the Lord that we were supposed to get married. I did NOT hear the same thing and told him so. I have told him so...over and over and over again. Recently (for the past year) I have ignored him. And yet, he still sends flowers, letters, long letters. Nothing seems to deter him. Flattering? No. Disturbing, yes.

My heart has gone from one extreme to the next. It's like a test of my temperment. With Shawn I was vulnerable, sweet, interested. With this guy, I am disinterested, hard hearted, ungrateful.

My God, my heart must lie in the midst of this somewhere.

No, now that I think more about it, proving my own legitimacy with God was not the reason that I stayed with him. I really and truly loved him. I wanted it to work out. But it didn't.

Now what? I am faced with questions. Do I answer them or let them float around the mystery that is my heart? If I try and explain it away, he is wrong...I am right...and the world I live in does not change.

I don't even like to talk about it anymore. The only reason it ever comes up is so that I can prove that I wasn't a total idiot in the situation. I mean, why else do we feel the need to retell our break up stories?

I keep praying for his healing...the deep healing I know that he needs. He has been hurting for more years than I have known him, and I have only tasted the backlash of that pain. But the truth is, I am hurting too. I forget that there are wounds I need to tend to here. I forget that I know the Healer. And I am walking around with masking tape to cover my own brokeness. Every day, I wake up and I try to forget. But forgetting is not the same as restoring.

I can feel the hardness begin to creep in as I turn up the radio to drown the sorrows of my heart. The beat is fast, the music driving, the words cutting and precise...I feel stronger.

But I am not strong, Lord. I am weak. Take me up from here and help me to move on. Show me the way to go.

Sitting out on my balcony tonight I began the basic run down of what had gone wrong. My thoughts began with the question, "why did he push me away?" He told me that he didn't have the capacity to meet the needs that I had. He told me that it wasn't worth his time and energy. Shocking. Mostly because those same words had been supposedly preempted with "I love you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life of you". How does that balance out? Yeah, still wondering about that. Anyways, I felt as if he was being selfish. I was hurt that he could say he loved me and then go on and not prove it with his actions. It was then that I began to piece together a pattern that I had seen all along. I realized...he doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't even know how to love himself. Therefore, how could he reach out and love me or anyone else for that matter? He works so hard to prove to everyone that he can take care of things, that he doesn't need anyone to do it for him. And at the end of the day, he is alone.

But my thoughts and ultimate conversation with Lord went on from there. I began to think about why it was so important that Shawn and I stay together. Why was it so important that things work themselves out? Of course, I loved him. Of course I wanted to see good things for him. Of course I wanted him to walk out his life with joy and abundance and peace. But there was more. I saw a pattern in my own life. I wanted to see him saved because that meant that my testimony meant something. His salvation meant that all was not in vain. His salvation justified that my walk with the Lord was right and good. Wow.

Talk about raw honesty here...I don't even believe in myself and in my own walk with the Lord.

I have about three good friends, Shawn included, that I have prayed for for years. I am still waiting to see them come into the kingdom. I know that they will. I guess the question lies in this, will I trust God to help them run their race? Will I trust God to continue to work in their lives as I move on in my own. Will I trust Him as I let go? Because the truth is that they belong to Him. The truth is that I have to move on.

I have my own race to run.
Lord, help me to believe You. Help me to believe in me again.

"The fact is, at this point in our journey, we have only three options: 1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted." (The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge)

From The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge: "One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way...'Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet posssessing everything' (2 Cor. 6:10)..If we will remain open to sorrow, we can know joy. Somehow being empty allows us to make others rich. And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising-that all is ours...Once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release." The author of this book says that there are two things that pierce our hearts...affliction and beauty. He goes on to say that beauty is what heals our hearts after great affliction. I took a walk today and looked up at the blue sky. I smelled the greenery of the landscape where I live. I felt the warm breeze of a cooler August day. I felt better, not so caged in by the agony of the past few days. I remember that seven years ago, when I was going through the very same heartache, the only thing that gave me any sense of hope was finding a patch of blue sky to focus on. I have no idea why it made me feel better. I just knew that if the sky could show some sort of clearing, that so too my heart could find a way to be clear of the gloom that surrounded it. My heart aches at the thought of the past six weeks, the past 10 years. I wanted it so badly, wanted it to finally work, wanted to see the miracle I was sure of. A few weeks ago, I was glad that I had found freedom to live my life. Today, I am still glad. The pain is an indicator that I am alive, that I am still able to feel. And although what I had thought was a sure thing was not, I am sure that God has had a plan all along. I am sure that God is restoring my heart. I am sure the He will do as He promised and make all things new.

Resilience
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Resilient
1 : Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.
2 : Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

http://dictionary.reference.com/

I watched The Notebook last night with my roomate and another friend. Yes, it was a chic flick. Yes, I did shed a few tears (which surprisingly does not happen too often). I made a connection with the storyline though: two people fall in love as teenagers, are separated by life circumstances, and then find each other again at just the right time.

The movie is told from the perspective of an old and gray couple who are experiencing their last days. I have hardly seen such a beautiful portrayal onscreen of lifelong love...true love. It was weird, there were lines in this movie that I have said myself, there were moments that I have lived. And they were not just the romantic, goosebump moments. They were the painful, heartbreaking moments. The ones where, if you aren't living in the movie, you think you are seeing the end of the relationship.

Which brings me to my point. Love, true love, pure in form and created by God, is resilient. I didn't think about that word until tonight when I hung up the phone. For about a week I have been feeling hopeless. I'm having a hard time not giving up. But the truth is, this thing has lasted through years of circumstance and changes. It has risen from the dead when I thought life could no longer exist. He is the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. When I am old and gray it is his hand that I want to hold. And so I have to trust that this love will be enough to hold us in the days to come.

God, you are love. Hold us and lead us as we walk out our days.

I had forgotten that the act of following our hearts is full of risk and consequences. I had forgotten until just this week how raw and vulnerable I could actually feel.

My reality is questioned on all sides. I stand alone, knowing the direction that I have wanted to take and straining to see if that is really where I am headed. My greatest strength and weakness lie in the same place. I dream beautiful dreams and then believe that they will surely come to pass. And it's not that I am a hopeless romantic full of fairy tale ideas that will never come true. It's not that I feel the need for something flawless and perfect. I just want the best.

I have walked away from the church, and found that I am only a child in my walk with God. And I have trusted a heart that may not be trustworthy at all. I am not even going to contemplate the choices I have made recently. I am not going to live in regret. I went forward with a full heart and I will continue to do so. It's only that...I am remembering the pains of a struggle I faced long ago. I felt sure that all would be different this time. And it might be that all will turn out better than I can see right now. But it looks empty and dark in this room.

Paul said that he had learned to be content whatever his circumstances happened to be. Well, there is a novel idea. Easier said than done, Paul, but I think you've touched on something. I was reflecting on this verse as I walked into Wal-Mart to return the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie. Nothing out of the ordinary, except my heart was aching to be with someone 100 miles away. There is nothing I can do to be closer to him right now. There is too much to be talked out, figured out, planned out. I want it all settled now. I want security now. But I am learning that prayer is the key. Prayer puts my heart at peace in the midst of chaos. It is giving birth to confidence in the God who has given me the gift of faith. It is giving me the strength to believe that hope does not disappoint us. It is giving me the ability to wait upon God.

What if I could be content with him or without him? Is that possible? Will there ever come a time when I will be with him every day? Will there ever come a day when I will be secure that he will never leave again? I am trusting that God hears my prayers. I am trusting that God is moving in the midst of us.

I wonder if he hears the tears in my voice when I hang up the phone. I wonder if he feels the same kind of longing. I wonder if he is making plans. I wonder what God is speaking to his heart. Only time and faith will tell I suppose.

Love is patient.

Fresh air

Your warm breath

My weary head upon your chest

And nothing else could

Steal away this place

But do not leave

Cause here alone

I am still

Til you are home

Come home

Come home

To me

@art

Walt Whitman ~ excerpt from Song of the Open Road


The earth expanding right hand and left hand,
The picture alive, every part in its best light,
The music falling in where it is wanted, and stopping where it is not wanted,
The cheerful voice of the public road?the gay fresh sentiment of the road.

O highway I travel! O public road! do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared?I am well-beaten and undenied?adhere to me?
O public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you?yet I love you;
You express me better than I can express myself;
You shall be more to me than my poem...

From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos?d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

...You move me

You give me courage I didn't know I had,

You move me

I can't go with you and stay where I am so,

You move me

Here is how love was to me

I could look and not see

Going through the emotions

Not knowing what they mean

And it scared me so much

That I just wouldn't budge

I might have stayed there forever

If not for your touch

You move me

Out of myself and into the fire

You move me

Burning with love and with hope and desire,

How you move me....

~Susan Ashton~

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life,

and there are few who find it.

Matthew 7:13,14

I have been living on the surface for such a long time.  It made me feel safer I think.  After all, fear is not so easily noticed at the bottom of the ocean.  And this ocean inside of me is starting to churn; the tides are changing.  I'm not sure what to do.  I'm not sure what is right.

I am seeing things in me that I hate.   It is hard to love myself much less believe in the love that someone else has for me.  I am returning to the place of my brokeness so long ago.  And the brokeness that I covered up is about to be revealed again.

God, lead me to the truth.  Lead me to freedom.  Let the healing begin.

Life has changed drastically in a matter of days.  I no longer have a church.  I am with someone whom I have longed to be with.  And life as I know it has ceased to exist.

IF I tried to explain my current situation to a number of friends who have known me quite well throughout the past few years, I can see the look of concern my comments would raise.  After all, I am not searching for a new body of believers yet.  I just can't.  I have to sit down and pray and walk with God through this season unhindered.  What, how can brothers and sisters in Christ hinder me?  Well, how can they manipulate and control to the point of paralyzing those around them?  That's exactly what has happened to me here and I am not about to jump into another place where that could happen again.  I need time.  I want to heal.  I want to gain strength.  I want to know God for myself.

And the guy.  :)  Well, he has resurfaced too many times in my life to just walk away again.  I had to see WHY we both ended up in the same place.  I had to see why I missed him so much at times in my life, including these past couple of months.  Chalk it up to getting over someone, I used to do that, but the truth is this happens like twice a year for the past seven.  The truth is we always come back to each other.  A lot has happened to both of us.  We have lived very opposite lives.  But in the midst of it all, we just love each other, truly love each other.  I'm walking this out for once without giving up.  I am not backing away, even if I get scared.  I have told God this.  If this is not of Him, He will make it clear to us both.  I am full of hope.

Life is going to get interesting again.  I'm finally living my life.

I spent tonight writing letters from the heart. The first letter was to my pastors telling them that I was leaving the church. The second letter was an apology to a family ("my family") that had been cut off from the church. The third, a letter to someone whom I hope continues to be a part of my life. And the fourth, a letter to a person that I have deeply loved and then lost. These letters have been circulating inside of me for months now. I have been under such a heavy pressure that my heart has literally ached. I can't hold it inside anymore. Matters of the heart are not meant to be hidden away. They are meant to be shared with those whom we love the most. They are meant for the light, to illuminate the dark places that we seek to understand. God meant for our hearts to be good, He meant for our hearts to know truth.

There comes a time when obedience is the only option for survival. The "right" thing is not always the obvious choice. The "right" thing is not always the path so cleanly laid out before us.

Tonight, I faced my fears. I pressed the send key. Now, these people will know the truth about me. They will know that I want to leave. They will know that I am sorry for wrong things that have been done. They will know that they are thought of and special to me. They will know that they are not forgotten. And in the midst of this, my heart is laid to rest. I have done what I can do today to stand. And now I wait for God to restore and to heal and to set straight the things that have confused me for so long.

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.
~2 Samuel 22:33~

Surely your salvation is coming;
Behold His reward is with Him, and His work is before Him.
~Isaiah 62:11~
-Thanks for pointing this one out bro.

This slow but nagging thought continues to come at me. "I might be in a place I did not have to come to." Somewhere, back down the road, I dropped my heart off and continued on traveling. What if I had listened? What if I had chosen different relationships, different endeavors? Where would I be now? Would my heart be so broken? Would I be so confused? Would I be more confident about WHO I am supposed to be? Then, I think, "No, God works ALL things together for good. I'll be fine." But I am not fine. I am afraid. I am afraid of the battle, I am afraid of fire, I am afraid of letting go.

When I let go, truly let go, I know that I am going to free fall for what seems like an infinite moment. And in that infinite moment, I am sure that I will forget that He created me to fly. I don't want to face that moment. On this side, I only dream of what could be. On the other side, the dreams become reality. Right now, I am struggling. I have been clinging to all that feels safe for as long as I can remember. I have been afraid to go it alone, because I don't believe that I can. I have not believed that my heart was good. I have not believed that I could hear the voice of God.

So when the sun rises tomorrow, I am going to muster up as much courage as I can and I am going to look for the mustard seed of faith that has been missing for quite some time. If only I could find faith, I might begin to fly.

The Lord is close to those who are broken hearted.

Ps. 147:3; Ps. 34:18

This has got to be one of my most favorite country songs ever...

Pat Green ~ Wave on Wave

Mile upon Mile I got no direction
We're all playing the same game
We're all looking for redemption
Just afraid to say the name
So caught up now in pretending
What we're seeking is the truth
I'm just look for a happy ending
All I'm looking for is you

It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave

I wandered out into the water
I thought that I might drown
I don't know what I was after
Just know that I was going down
That's when she found me
I'm not afraid anymore
She said, you know I always had ya baby
Just waiting for you to find what you were looking for

It came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave

Wave on Wave
Wave on Wave

The clouds broke and the angels cried
You ain't gotta walk alone
That's why he put me in your way
You came upon wave on wave

You came upon me wave on wave
You're the reason I'm still here, yeah
Am I the one you were sent to save
It came upon me wave on wave