Album

So I thought it would be fun to make my own music space today. If you do not have a cd in hand, click on the picture to go and listen.

Tapestry

There is a verse that talks about writing the vision down so that the herald may run with it. At the beginning of this year, I wrote down in my blog that I wanted to record my songs. I didn't know anything about recording, I didn't know anyone who could help me, I didn't even have more than 2 finished songs.

I sat with mom tonight and discussed this musical journey. It started so long ago, under my grandpa's tree, playing a guitar that belonged to the church. I couldn't have been more than 7. And then lessons at the end of high school. And then leading worship in Rochester in so many different settings. After that ORU, where I was not accepted into the music program, and where I could not even get into the choir. Voice lessons, private guitar lessons, long nights in the piano lab..writing...dreaming...praying. It's where I met Leah, where I met the Edison boys, where I roomed with Zoe. And between these three and Tulsa, and LA, and Jacksonville...I have come to a place of divine appointment. I can't forget my trip this summer either. If I hadn't been given the gift of Scotland, I wouldn't have begun to write again, I am sure...it was there where my heart began to really open up again. I might not even have been ready to record. My life is full of friends and family and happenings so intricately woven that seasons and places lead me to other seasons and places. God knows the beginning from the end, I am sure.

So today, I recorded my first five songs. It feels so good to say that. If you want a copy, email me...I'll send it your way. :)

Getting Closer to a Dream

Ok, so the songs may be recorded this week. I have some friends who are going to help me out. This is a huge step. I actually feel nervous and not quite ready. I feel like I need to rewrite every one of them again. I feel like I could work for 5 more weeks and then maybe they would be ready. What if I hadn't taken so many naps this weekend? For that matter, every weekend. How much further would I be? What if I was playing right now instead of blogging?... Oh yeah, I am remembering that I need to be ready to teach school tomorrow. I've been a little stressed due to lack of sleep, which is due to many things including song writing. Well, I'm actually asking God for help. When I moved to Jax I put the music business in His hands. He is the one who will breathe on the words and the sounds. He is the One who will open doors. I just pray that my heart is in line with His and that I am disciplined enough to work at it and bring out a good sound.

27

I made it. :)

Well, to those of you who remember BASIC days you might appreciate this story.

At 17 I was pretty sure who I wanted to marry..yeah, that's right 17. But thank God that did not work out. After getting out of that relationship and graduating high school I started making some big life changes and got involved with church related activities and joined a Christian college group. What an amazing group of friends I had in that place. Anyways, even though the marriage thing hadn't worked out as planned before, I was still pretty hopeful that by 22 I would be settled down someplace with someone. 18, 19, 20 went by...still, no prospects. Eh, I still had time. That's when I met Tracy. Tracy played the guitar, led worship at church, had her life together. I really looked up to her. She was also 27 and single. Truth be told, I felt sorry for her...lol. I prayed, "Dear, God...please don't make me wait that long." 21, 22, 23, 24...I even went to a Bible college where everyone made the joke, "ring by spring or your money back." No ring by spring, not even more than a first date. 25, 26 ...he wasn't in NY, he wasn't in OK...maybe Florida?

27...How funny. I made it. I don't feel sorry for me. I actually feel privileged, thankful that I have lived life fully up to this point...traveling, teaching, carrying freedom to come and go as I please. Do I wish I had someone to share it with? Most definitely. Does my radar still send out its signals? Um, yeah. But I'm not worried. I feel just as hopeful as I did back at 17, 22, 25. The only wish I have is that I'll get to share my younger years with someone else...traveling, serving, loving, etc., etc. Tracy did get married not too long after 27...maybe I won't have to wait much longer either. :)

Seeing Christ

I remember the moment so clearly. Standing in the middle of my living room, late at night, holding the one thing my heart believed in. It should have been a moment just like any other, a moment leading to many more just the same. But a sinking, helpless feeling crept in and in some untangible way, I knew it was the beginning of the end.

It is moments like these that have recently crept back into my day. For some reason I have been brought back to remember. In the midst of worship tonight I began to see it again, feel the pain. Why, God? Why now? Why is it so hard to move my heart in a new direction? Will I always carry this disappoinment? Will I always question the hope that tries so hard to spring up in my life? Will I ever move beyond this? Will I ever see something better? Will there be a new day? New love? I wish there was a way to put every memory in a box and send it on its way. I wish there was a way to take out my heart, wash it clean and let only the light in. I wish there was a way to make joy the only station broadcasted across the soundwaves of my life.

And so tonight, as we sang "You are the only one I live for" over and over I just began to pray. I want so badly for it to be true. I want so badly to walk away from disappoinment. I want so badly to know what it means to see God and see His promises come to pass. I want so badly to say that Christ changed me and see that same power change others.

And so, as the memories pass by this is my prayer, "show me Christ". Show me where you were in the midst of it, Lord. Show me where you are in the midst of me now. Show me Christ and let His power become the power that changes my life...transforming death to life, light to darkness, disappointment to hope, insecurity to confidence, shame to relief.

Fear and Surrender

After my last couple of posts I know it is time for a change. Many times, on this blog, I risk being vulnerable...letting everyone know my business. But I find this heart stuff incredibly hard keep inside...something important happens, and like sitting with a very dear friend, I have to come and put it all down. I have to make sense of what's going on. I have to let it be released so that I can move on.

It's been a long road, this whole church situation, this whole heart situation. A friend of mine called to see if I was headed to church this past Saturday night. I told him that I wasn't sure because I didn't really want to show up alone. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Maybe that's why I eventually shrink back. I don't know. I'm usually really good about putting my brave face on. For some reason I just haven't been able to find it. So, I went...to church...met my friend there, feeling like a dork because seriously I could have come on my own and been just fine. And it was so good...not just good...but so good. That was Saturday night...Sunday morning, I was there again...on my own this time...and ended up going to membership class. Do you know what the whole weekend was about by the way? ...Why it's important to get planted in the house of God. It's been so long since I've been able to do that...so long since I've trusted God enough to let myself be planted. Yeah, it's about time.

There was something else last week that had me in tears. My kids are constantly hugging me, wrapping their little arms around me, telling me stories, etc., etc. and it is usually at times when I need everyone's attention or we are lining up or "fill in the blank" inopportune time of the day. It really began to bother me when I noticed that my reactions were not loving and patient, but more like "c'mon we've got places to go, things to do..no time for play" kinds of reactions. As I searched my heart I began to see the face of fear. And without going detail for detail I realized that I have been holding my students at arms length in fear that I would not be able to control them in my classroom. I looked at situation after situation this year and saw how fear held me back from fully embracing them each time. What is this fear? Where did it come from? I'm not quite sure, but God knows and I'm asking Him. I just keep thinking of Jesus and how He embraced the little ones around Him...He took time not worrying what everyone else would think. I hope that I can begin to do the same. I'm wondering how much this has affected my other relationships as well. I mean how often have I held others at arms length in order to maintain control and not be vulnerable to criticism or rejection?

Alone on Friday Night...

with a great radio station to keep me company. :)

Jones College Radio

Two Years

I remember the day I walked out of my religous safety net and into the world. I remember God's arms around me tight as He set me down to take my first steps. I fell into dirt and mud and cried because I didn't think that I could go on. But, there He was. He picked me back up, set my feet upon a rock. He put a new song in my mouth...a song of praise to my God. Life has never been the same. I just hope it keeps getting better.

Two years have passed this summer. My heart has not been the same since. I left religion on the doorstep of my own apartment. I left church as I knew it. I haven't turned back. That summer revealed an open door I had never known...it was the door of making my own choices, of hearing God with my own ears, seeing Him with my own eyes, making my own mistakes and tasting grace that no one else but He could give.

Yes, I have entered places of worship since that time. I have knocked on doors of small groups and Bible classes in order to get plugged in. And yet my discontent remains. Where is sincerity? Where is honesty? Where are the real, life giving unconditional relationships? These are all claims of American Christianity today, but I find these claims often empty and hard to swallow. I told my friend Carrie today, "I love God. I love the people of God. But I just don't love church." It makes me feel like I have a real problem.

I met this guy yesterday who was so lost. Turned out that we were riding in the same car for my friend's birthday. He has never been to church a day in his life. The only reason he knows God is real is because he knows that someone was with him when he fell off of a two story roof a couple of years ago. As a girl with opinions and hopes and dreams I wouldn't give this guy the time of day. He was beyond rough around the edges. As a Christian, I'd be afraid to show up by myself with him at church...what would they think about what I'm doing throughout the week, right? But as a follower of Christ....I better be acting in love towards this guy, treating him as someone of worth. Even my close friends were acting as if he was no big deal. But I couldn't, my heart went out to him. So, I listened to his story and asked a lot of questions. He said I should be a psychologist or something.

JESUS hung out with the prostitutes thank you very much. What should I be doing ...staying in my comfort zone just so some guy can't hit on me and make me feel uncomfortable? He was so obviously in need of being valued. He asked me to go to dinner and I turned him down...I should have gone. Do you know what I did instead? The safe thing...invited him to church. C'mon. I can't even get myself there half the time. I should have gone to dinner. I should have stepped out of my safe little world and felt uncomfortable for awhile. Jesus would have said yes.

Two years ago I also loved someone who bitterly questioned my love for God. He broke my heart when it had already been laid out in so many pieces. I would have stayed with him anyways. I would have forgotten who I was just to keep on loving him. Someday, I know that he will see my prayers answered. Someday I know that Christ will dwell in his heart just as it dwells in mine. For now, I remember and hope and let go. For now, I learn from that season and love others around me better.

Finding Life

From the Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning:
"Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency. Our security is shattered and our bootstraps are cut. Once the fervor has passed, weakness and infidelity appear. We discover our inability to add even a single inch to our spiritual stature. There begins a long winter of discontent that eventually flowers into gloom, pessimism, and a subtle despair-subtle because it goes unrecognized, unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. It take the form of boredom, drudgery. We are overcome by the ordinariness of life, by daily duties done over and over again. We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding, that surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else. Life takes on a joyless, empty quality. We begin to resemble the leading character in Eugene O'Neill's play The Great God Brown: "Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"

I am reading this book and thanking God that someone else in the world feels the same way I do. I thought coming to Florida would be like coming home. I thought that I would settle here, plant myself, get a life. But what I thought and what is in my heart are two very different things. I may venture out again. I may finally be courageous and step in a direction I didn't think that I could go. I just might surprise everyone, most of all myself and probably least of all God. Maybe, just maybe I will be brave.

Jaxson Deville came from the Jaguars football team to help us pump up our reading program this year. He had the kids jumping up and down singing a song about their dreams. These were the words, "Dream It, Do It, Believe It, Become It." We went back to the classroom and began to talk about our dreams and how we would get there. So, being the teacher, I had to share my own dream before expecting them to share theirs. And oddly enough, even though I love being with those kiddos every day...it isn't my dream. I feel like I'm committing a sin just saying that out loud. Because I am gifted with children, because I do love them, because right now this classroom is my place of ministry. Why would I give up something so good? I don't know. I just feel as if there's more.

What if I gave up now? What if I just settled into lesson plans and early morning meetings and looking forward to 20 minutes of recess every day? What if I just settled in on using my paycheck for classroom odds and ends, trips to Target and paying off school loans? What if boredom became my friend instead of my loathed enemy?

I have been a girl without vision holding passion in my hands. God help to open my eyes in the direction of your sunrise. God help me to be the girl that follows you with my whole heart and who is not afraid to leave security behind.

Quote

"I think in many ways, there's been an incredible movement in everything from music to politics toward going to sleep."
~Sheryl Crow

A quote to reflect my recent quanderies on waking up and taking part in the world around me.

I love surprises

So I went to a concert with a friend last night...a Robbie Seay Band concert that is. They have an incredible ministry through music...check them out.

So yeah, my friend knows the drummer in this band and we were backstage for awhile. I was told that some Canadian girl was playing before the band. She came in, sat on the couch beside me. I introduced myself and asked if she was the one playing. We talked for a few minutes about Nashville and random things and then we all went downstairs to hear her play. When she came on stage she apologized that we probably wouldn't know any of the songs she was going to play, because most of us had probably never heard her before. And she was right, I didn't know the first song. But then the second song sounded like one of my favorite songs. I leaned over and said, I think she must cover this song. But then I knew the next song, and the next. And all of them were songs by a girl named Jill Paquette who's music has totally ministered to me through the past few years. "Wait a minute", I said to myself..this girl's name is Jill...and then the two and two came together...and I realized that I had just been talking with one of my favorite music artists.

Lol..I talked to Jill some more after the concert. She's a great girl. Definitley check out her music...she has a beautiful way of expressing her journey with the Lord.

ps-Wen, it was you who sent me Jill's cd for my birthday a few years ago...thanks again. :)

Question of the Day

"Miss T., what color are you?" she asked today.

I laughed being as I am in the minority in my classroom. :) Ah, the joys of living in Florida with a tan all year long.

Heart of the Matter

So I went to the doctor today to find the results of my tests. My heart is fine, just has a few extra beats every once in awhile. I laughed and told him I felt as if I had made up the whole episode. It's funny because I was actually a little worried when all of the weird symptoms were happening. It was stress I think, even though they happened during summer vacation while I was traveling.

There was something about being in Scotland that made me forget what was going on. On the day I returned home I realized that for 10 days there had been no episodes whatsoever and there hasn't been one since.

I sat in Glasgow Cathedral's cemetary for quite awhile one overcast day, next to a stone that spoke of the joy of meeting again in heaven one day. As I sat there, the feelings of brokeness and sadness over lost love and altered trust seemed to wash over me. The words on the stone reminded me of the hope that Christ was in the midst of the situation, that He would work to bring both of us where we needed to be. And then a song rose up in me that I had never heard before and I began to sing. Looking back, I do believe a transfer occurred. I left my brokeness in the cemetary. I left my sadness and burden behind.

God so ordained that trip for me. I've had such an energy to keep going since I've returned. The stress and burden I felt about school and work and all of those things has disappeared. The sadness is gone. I have started writing music again. I'm playing almost every day and almost every time I have started writing a new song. I've come home with my burdens lifted and such a sense of urgency to carry on.

God heals our hearts by surprise and in His own way I think. I had no idea He would send me to Scotland. I had no idea that He would expand my borders in songwriting, though I have longed for Him to do so. And I still have no idea what the rest of the story is, who I will meet, where I will go, what ministry I will fulfill. But my heart is better, at peace. I am enjoying getting to know Him, getting to trust Him, and walking by faith in a greater way.

God give me grace to continue to walk in your peace and in your path for my life.

Btw

I love blogging at Panera...they bring free samples of great food at just the right time. I just got passed up by the sample guy though. It's really disappointing...he had a chocolate chip cookie on his tray. Oh...good...he's coming back...I am now enjoying a strawberries and cream croissant.

Chicken Sunday

We read Chicken Sunday by Patricia Polacco today, where Grandma Eula takes her children to church and teaches them to show others kindness in spite of misunderstandings. Her voice is like slow thunder and sweet rain and she laughs from a deep, holy place inside. "Miss T., what is a deep, holy place inside?" That is the question that brought tears to my eyes, the one that makes me so thankful for where God has placed me in this season.

School Days

Ah, the south...where school days start in August. I am in the middle of week 2. My class is a breath of fresh air. Wow, what a difference. I feel so much more confident, so much more at peace. I'm not exhausted at the end of my day. It's actually good to be back.

This one's for you, Beth....I had two third graders discussing something very important in the lunch line. One of them turned to me and said, "Miss T., tell him that we did NOT come from an egg." I thought to myself that either this little one was either very informed or had no clue at all as to how he came into the world. He continued to argue with his friend that he had most definitely come from an egg. "Well, then WHERE do babies come from, Miss T.?" Lol...

Get Ready

I just spent over an hour posting pics....it's really hard to choose between 450...I haven't counted by there's quite a few below. Enjoy...comment...hopefully you'll enjoy them. I know I do.

Castles

Stirling Castle's great hall. It had been painted this color (gold) to signify wealth.
Tapestries also spoke of wealth. This particular king had 14. They are currently being reconstructed by hand.

Seriously, you could fit at least 6 people in this hearth. I'm sure Santa had no problem way back then.

Castles

Imagine, if you will, the throne room.
Original wood beams inside the castle.
Walls around the Stirling Castle. Reminds me a bit of a scene in ever after...just need a glass slipper and some rain.
The walls around the wall of the castle at Stirling.

Castles

This is the castle we saw on the way to Mull via the ferry. Not sure of it's name.
This tall monument is dedicated to William Wallace. His sword is here. We didn't have time to go. Btw....according the Scots...Hollywood did not stay even close to the true facts.
The garden area at Stirling's Castle. This was the best castle by far that we got to see.
They still hold military balls and weddings in this great hall. They were setting up for one that night.