My bedroom echos. It is empty and for the next two weeks I will sleep on a blow-up mattress (or the couch....we'll see which is more comfortable). My parents took their holiday weekend to help me move all of my things. They showed up today with my uncle's truck....we still haven't figured out what year it is, but let me tell you...it does it's job. ;)

Since my parents showed up, I decided it was a good time for them to meet my closest friends. My "Tulsa family" came over for an early dinner...soup, sandwhiches, fruit salad, berry pie and ice cream. I have waited four years for this day, it was good to have everyone together. Then P. and his roomate came over to eat and help with the moving process. I looked around and felt so blessed to have these people in my life. I had this realization that they are evidence of God's grace in my life. I have gone through some hard seasons, made some wrong decisions, and yet these friends and family have prayed for me, loved me, and stood by me. They even take the time to help with the huge process of moving. I feel as if I couldn't ever repay them for who and what they have been for me.

Oh and here's a thought...All I have left here at my apartment...computer, guitar, Bible, sketchbook, clothes, plants, fish...oh and dishes. And yet the truck is piled high with things that I "need". Hmm...it's nice to scale down...weird to live without furniture, but I'm likin' the simplicity. It's no wonder God doesn't let us take things with us...it takes too long to pack and who really needs the stuff anyways... ;)

Eat your heart out U-Haul! This old truck has done the job and has saved me a thousand dollars, and I am not exaggerating. Thanks to my uncle in Florida, my every (well, almost every) belonging is on its way to the sunshine state.  

The mark of authenticity....my favorite part. :) 

This isn't the brightest picture, but it is in fact what I call evidence of a miracle. A whole bedroom set (we're talking headboard, mattress, boxspring, chest of drawers, double dresser w/mirror, nightstand), 2 bookshelves, boxes and boxes of clothes and books, all of my school supplies (which took up my whole car's backseat and trunk space), a vaccum cleaner, works of art, a filing cabinet, etc., etc., etc., I never thought it would fit! 

...but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven...
for where your treasure is there your heart will be also...

matthew 6:20,21

"It is finished"....the words I said to myself as I left my school building today. I can't believe it's all over! I can't believe it's time to move on from Tulsa. I have waited and waited for this....

I'm going to miss my kiddos. I'm going to miss their laughter and their faces. I'm going to miss watching them grow up through the school years. Little A. was on the playground last Friday as I was cleaning out my classroom. I had her come and pick up her lost bracelet. "Miss T., would you come to my house for dinner sometime?" Her sincerity just melted my heart. Just a couple months ago, as we sat together on the school bus, she asked me, "Could you come to my house for a sleepover?" There were times when I wondered if I was even getting through to this little one. Her ability to follow directions was questionable and a bit frustrating. But by the end of the year, I know she got through to me. She brought me a framed portrait of the words, "A hundred years from now..it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child!" Up until the moment when I opened this gift, I thought of this saying (that I have read many times before) as general and cheesy. But when I read those words and saw the smile on A.'s face, I was brought to tears. Because don't I worry about all that other stuff every single day of my life? And yet the most important things are the children who stare me in the face for eight hours a day, five days a week.

I can see the change that occured in me over this past year. I can see how the capacity to love and teach these children grew more than I thought it could. And I still have so much more to learn...

Looking into yesterday and all the dreams that heaven sent.

Maybe love will come our way

And when I stand upon the land I threw the dreams into the sea

Maybe they will rise again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

Looking to the 'morrows dreams

And all the secrets that they hold

Patiently waiting for these days

And when I look into the sky I see that

hope is coming soon

Praying love will come again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

Delirious

Tonight, I am hoping for a second chance. I look at my life and the choices I have made and I hope that God's mercy is greater than my ignorance and my hardened heart. It is easy to say so, it is harder to believe it. I don't know how to be who I was made to be. But I know it is there. I know that deep inside of me are all of the things I am longing for...peace, purity, fruitfulness, faithfulness, excellence. What is the key to unlock these things? What is the key to unlocking the presence of God in my life once again? He has never left me I am sure. But have I left Him? Deep thoughts on a Friday night...I know. But the more I reflect on circumstances as of late...I really wonder at the state of my heart. I wonder because of the compromise that I see. I hate to even think about it.

Lord, set my feet on paths of righteousness and make my crooked places straight. Turn my heart once again and let me hear the sound of your voice calling. Be near to me, God.

Just found this article...encouraging.

So we released our tadpoles into the pond behind our school today. Let me just say that all 40 kindergarteners were awesome. The other teacher and I made sure to tell them to keep hands and feet out of the water. And that they did. What we neglected to tell them was to keep from touching the dead fish that would be laying on the grass beside the pond. Before we knew it, dead minnows were flying through the air and back onto the surface of the water. Ugh...something to remember for next time. :P

To those of you who know me and who read my posts...to those of you whose email addresses I do not have...I am moving to Jacksonville, FL. June 11 is the date of departure.

We truly never know the plans that God has for us, but we can always trust that they are to give us a hope and a future. I feel more hopeful than I have felt for a long time. It's surprising even to me to keep telling this news. I never thought I'd say the words, "I"m moving to Florida." ...and here I am, just weeks before the u-haul trailer pulls out of town. I can't believe it's all falling into place. God was waiting for the perfect time to open up this door. I feel so blessed to know that He has ordained a new chapter, something fresh...a new adventure. Who knows what else will follow?

What If is written by a new friend of mine. It asks a lot of serious questions I myself have been asking lately. Be careful, you might find yourself in there too.

(The results of a "keys to your heart" test used to be posted here...I have taken them out...weird, but for the past couple of days I could not stand the thought of putting this type of test on my blog (no offense to those who do post these types of tests because they are kind of fun). Although it seemed to offer some sort of insight, I did not like the way it came about. It's gone and I feel much better. Who needs the "experts" anyways?) :)

I couldn't resist adding another kid quote to the mix. :)

Afternoon Recess

C. (brand new student in my class and obviously upset) - "Miss T., B. is trying to give me a wedgie!"

Me (after walking over to B. on the playground) - "B., why were you trying to give C. a wedgie?"

B. (with a look of honest sincerity) - "But, Miss T., I thought he wanted one."

LOL - maybe it's just the end of the year, but i wanted to laugh right out loud

I got pulled over by a police officer tonight, for the first time ever in my life. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. He pulled me over because of my missing headlight...."Yes, sir, I know..." Then he sat in his car for a few minutes while I prayed for the best possible outcome. I know officers are out there to help you, but they always scare me a little bit. Anyways, he served me a warning, I had to sign for it. Then he looked at me with the concern a dad would have on his face and said, "Be careful". That was nice. I drove exactly the speed limit (well almost exactly) all the way home.

I went to mass with my friend J. tonight, and I must say that some parts of it were very refreshing. Since leaving the small church I attended about this time last year I have stood back and looked at the experience of church in a whole new light. Sometimes, I am drastically bored and at other times I am extremely touched. Mostly though, I find that church is not so normal or comfortable anymore and I find myself searching for the place I once knew as a child...though I doubt it will ever be the same. Tonight, I was not really searching, just tagging along because I had been invited.

I love the reverence that is practiced at Catholic services, though at times the religiousity seems a bit much. But really, I look at what is going on outwardly and I long for that reverence to be found in my own heart. It seems to me that during a Catholic church service, the people sing and repeat such powerful words and I wonder if they even know it. I am often moved to tears (this isn't the first time I have been to mass) by the simplicity and the pointedness of the prayers and recitations and scripture readings. It is as if I am allowed to focus more on the words in the message rather than on how the message is being delivered to me.

After eucharist was served this evening there seemed to be such an intimacy in the chapel. In all of my visits to Catholic churches this was the first time I have ever noticed such a difference. I was sad that I was not Catholic and therefore had not been permitted to take part in the elements. (I mean, they couldn't really know, of course, whether or not I was Catholic, but J. knew, and judging by how I didn't know any of the practices I most likely stood out as an "outsider".) Nonetheless, I was touched by the intimacy of the service. At the end, the priest came and knelt before the altar and for about two minutes there was complete silence in the chapel as we bowed our heads in prayer. How cleansing, prayer without noise, without music, without voices...complete silence aside from a random person's cough here or there. I left the chapel thinking, church should be more like this...contemplative, simple, sincere.

I am posting into the early morning hours after just arriving home from a night of babysitting, and as I post I am looking around at a very spacious bedroom. It is spacious because there is now only one person living in it. Slight evidence would suggest that a roomate existed even this morning...lotion in the bathroom, a small fan on the floor, milk and toaster strudels in the kitchen. Jilli I miss you already.

We contemplated the Howard run last night but opted to forego such an opportunity. For those of you who do not know, the Howard Auditorium is located on the ORU campus and looks like a mini Epcot center. Many students climb this odd shaped building and run its circumference despite security measures taken to keep such activities to a minimum. Instead, we walked the entire campus one last time. If you stand in a spot long enough, it is amazing how memories will come back to you. I could see people and events that took place. I could see the faces of friends and acquaintances. I could feel the weather. I could smell the food. I could almost taste the emotions that I had felt while living on a college campus. I am forever changed because of this season in my life. I am forever changed because of the people I have met and the God that I have come to know. The campus holds something great in its midst. An amazing presence of God makes itself at home on this land. You cannot be on it for long before you realize the peace that pervades everything. It is the only place in the world that I feel safe enough to walk alone at night. And although I cannot stay here, I know that it will stay with me. The seeds of greatness and of healing and of hope have been planted in my heart and as I move on I know that I will be able to spread these seeds to others.

A new season has begun. I sensed its arrival. I knew it was about to come. I knew that life would not be the same. But when it really happened today, it hit me as if by surprise. Oh! I didn't know this was coming. I didn't even get tears in my eyes until about one mile from the airport. Somehow, I hadn't informed myself that Jilli was leaving. The packing, the graduation, the last minute trip to campus last night slipped right past me.

I'm not sure if I am even convinced of my own journey out of Tulsa. I am pretty sure that it is true, but I am also afraid. I keep telling God this, continually hoping for reassurance that I am doing the right thing. This is the first time I have ever made a life decision alone. My parents are not making the decision and there are no friends to make plans and go with me.

What am I leaving behind? What am I walking towards? These are the questions that lay upon my heart. God help me to weigh both in the balances and help me to be sure.

Following directions...
Found this in Bethany's Journal...try it and leave a comment with your sentence.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth full sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually nearest to you.

This shall be your land with its surrounding boundaries.
Numbers 34:12

I ran across this quote tonight on a friend's away message:

then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-anais nin

For quite some time now, I have been painfully aware that home is not what it used to be. The location has changed, the childhood securities remain only in my memory, and the people I love have grown and moved on with their lives. Nothing is the same. But I long for it as if it was only down the street or around the corner from where I am living now.

It seems that I have almost forgotten that I am allowed to be home. I have lived in transition for quite a few years and have found myself displaced from a real house and a real family. I have forgotten what it is like to live near family, to have four walls to call my own, and to be in a place where I truly belong and am certain that I want to pour my heart and life into. I have forgotten that such things exist and that they are not just for people I know, but for me too.

There is a line from a movie (that I cannot remember the name of at this moment) that continues to play over and over in my head. It is spoken by a character who is talking about returning home, "only to no home I'd ever been". This plays constantly in my head, and I mull it over thinking...what does it really mean?

I keep asking where my home is. Is it here? Is it there? Is it in a place that I have not yet been to? And from a Christian viewpoint, we should all know the answer...our ultimate home is with God. If we are longing for home, it is because we were created to be at home with Him. I know that. But even though I totally look forward to the wonder of Heaven, right here and right now, I am saying, "God WHERE do I belong?"

And so, quietly, I have been searching my heart for what is truly important. And what I have discovered is that the most important thing to me is relationships. At this point in my life, I have the opportunity to transplant myself and pursue relationships anywhere I so desire. Not ties, no strings attached. And so I have done an inventory of my relationships...here in Tulsa, back in NY, around the United States. And even though all are important to me, and even though I love each person for who they are and have been in my life, I have come to the conclusion that God has given me my family for a reason and I need to be with them the most.

Tonight, I have decided to return home. Home is where my family is. It is not a location, it is not a house, it is not a job. Home is the containment of the people I love, and that is exactly where I want to be...with them.

It is time to spread my wings and to trust God once again.

Where I live from the bird's eye view of the 60th Floor of the City of Faith. 

Hooding with my roomie. I'm sooo proud. :) 

Graduation Day - Finding your friends in the crowd is almost like searching through an I-Spy book.

Graduation weekend is upon us....that means one roomate down, two more to go. :( And this is only one small corner of our apartment!

I took these a couple days ago right before a thunderstorm. 

Okay, cloud pictures may be a bit boring, but when I really figure out this camera, I might be able to better capture how beautiful these storm clouds are. I mean they are incredible this time of year! These are not tornado clouds...I asked just to make sure...as I always do when a storm is brewing. If I do happen upon scary tornado clouds in rotation(but let's hope that I don't) I'll pass the proof along to those of you who do not live in these parts. :)

"if I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" since "creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists"

C.S. Lewis ~ Mere Christianity

My heart is overwhelmed with desire. A desire to be home. A desire to truly love and to be loved. A desire to walk in peace and to know that my life serves a purpose. And it must be true that such things exist. God help me to see your goodness and to wait for You. Help me to walk away from those things that only speak but never fulfill.

I need a hug....

a great big, reasurring, I really mean it, all is well type of hug.

Embarassing moment of the day: "So this teacher walked into a bar"....a monkey bar that is. I walked right into the monkey bars this afternoon...full force and hard enough to knock me to the ground. :P And since teachers don't usually cry on the playground, I held my own. But now I have this incredibly large bump on my forehead, and I kind of wish I could use it as an excuse for an extra day off. Surprisingly, none of my kids saw and neither did any other teachers. The moment was all my own. Kind of hard to miss a teacher with two foreheads though.... :(

Mom sent me a fork in the mail. Here's the story behind this random incident...

Keep Your Fork

I love these good old fashioned reminders. :)

Quotes of the day

"Miss T., does this guy have his license? I keep bumping my head!"

~K.C. (riding in the front seat of the bus enroute to our field trip destination)

"Let's keep moving. We're on a tight schedule."

~K.W. (line leader of the day)

"Miss T., I love you!"

~K.C. (randomly throughout our field trip today...this kid sure knows how to make a teacher smile)

Maybe you had to be there, but I think I have the cutest kids when it comes to one liners. I wish I could remember everything these kindergarteners say. :)

Erin, Jilli, and me playing with my new camera. :) Soon, we will all be living in different states.

Yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that God sees our hearts and knows even our unspoken requests. I randomly ended up at Starbucks last night with my roomate before she went to her class. As I was sitting and looking out the window I realized that my friend A., who I have not seen in a year, was walking in the door. She was another friend who had attended the church that I left last summer. We had both lost touch and I truly thought I would never see her again. A. is never on this side of town and had stopped in to see a friend on his shift. After my roomate left, we ended up spending the rest of the evening catching up with each other. It was as if no time had passed at all. She too is moving on with her life...in two short weeks she will moving out of state. It was comforting to hear of her new opportunities and to help her pack up a bit. It was like God knew just how much I longed to see her, and he made sure it happened even without our planning it. What a set up. :)

Speaking of friends, I had an incredible time this past Saturday catching up with some old friends from the Cracker Barrel days. J. just returned from Iraq and invited me out for a BBQ. I was a little leary of any drama that might take place between a few of us and almost didn't go. But instead of drama the peace of God was evident. This post could be an add-on to the bonfire post a couple of weeks ago...same kind of thing. Relationships are precious, a necessity for sharing the love of Christ with those around us. I caught up with C. who is about to head back to the west coast. I played my guitar with J.'s roomie. I hugged and chatted with P.'s new girlfriend...lol...much better than I had hoped for. :) All night long, I kept thinking...heaven must be a bit like this. There was a peace that pervaded us that night. My heart just loved the people around me as we shared about our lives and ate steak off the grill. I didn't want the evening to end.

Although my last post spoke of disappointment I have to admit that truly God has blessed my relationships. I look forward to the future as this season ends and a new one begins. There is a newfound freedom in my life. I can live freely before God and still love people where they are. At the same time, I can love people where they are and still live freely before God.

"How many an artist has been crushed in a family that prefers a 'rational' approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our early world saw our glory and affirmed it?...These blows aren't random or incidental. They strike directly at some part of the heart, turn the very thing God created to be a source of celebration into a source of shame. And so you can at least begin to discover your glory by looking more closely at what you were shamed for. Look at what's been assaulted, used, abused.

As Bernard of Clairvaux declared, 'Throught the heart's wound, I see its secret.'"

~John Eldredge - Waking The Dead~

Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalms 34:5

Well, they made it. After three days of traveling Mom, Dad, and all the animals have come to their destination. I felt such a peace when they called tonight. They are where they should be.

And me? :) Well, let's just say that I am beginning to listen more and plan less....if that makes any sense at all. My own plans are beginning to rearrange and the possibilities are way more exciting. More to come...

This Jars of Clay song has been stuck in my head all weekend! Have a listen, the whole album plays through on the website. God Will Lift Up Your Head

In other news, I attended a bonfire last night and found myself right smack in the middle of a redneck country music video...complete with a four-wheeler, a go-cart, a karaoke machine on the back of a minivan attached to oversized speakers set out on the grass, coolers full of beer, a wet bar on the back of a truck bed, and girls and guys sportin' their straw hats. And although I know I don't necessarily fit in with that crowd of folks (I mean for real...I was holding a can of Coke), I loved being there. I love how real and raw people can be. It really got me to thinking about Jesus and how He lived His life among the people. He stood out too, but He found a way to connect. He was all about relationship. And He walked in such a way that He gained trust and was able to bring life to the people around Him.

With this fresh awareness, I agreed to make a Smore's run to Wal-Mart with A. Our conversation opened right up like it had been planned before we even got there. Working his way out of the Mormon church, A. is now experiencing life without rules and walls to keep him guarded. We talked about searching for God and about having faith without the religion. And for the first time ever, when asked about my own life, I was able to share without stumbling over Christian vocabulary. Our conversation was real and to the point and I could tell that it made a difference.

I hate what I have done in the past and the times that I have not truly sought after God. But last night, it was those times that brought a connection with A. Because he is at that point now. And I was able to tell him that even in the midst of our worst mistakes and wanderings, God is faithful. That truly God is bigger than our questions and every rule of religion that is created to make us conform. I was able to tell him that after he experiences everything he thinks he has missed, emptiness and a need for something greater will find its way to the surface of his heart. And that is truly what I believe. That is the way I came to God...not because someone told me that I needed Him, but because my heart cried out and He was the one who answered.

I knew that I could not change him. I knew that I could not make his heart long for God. I knew that all I could do was plant seeds on the fertile ground that had presented itself. Someday, when A. is ready, his heart will be drawn by the voice of the Holy Spirit and those seeds will break out of their shells and take root. And with time those seedlings will grow strong and tall and A. will be a well-watered tree in the Kingdom of God.

"Aaaaaahhh Tulsa is not that bad, really, is it? OK, maybe it is. But we need you and and your strong faith to make our lil' town a better place, which no doubt it already is because of you!"

I found out today that my blog is featured on TheTulsan! Wow, I am flattered. And to set the record straight, I do like Tulsa. It's just the letting go of NY part that makes me sad.

Thanks, Tim! :)

Lys

This is my sister. Hopefully she does not mind such a large portrait of herself on my blog, but I had to talk about her tonight.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Lys and mentioned my sadness about leaving our piano behind in Rochester. I kind of joked around and asked her to make sure and play it a little bit since I could not come home and do so.

Today was moving day for the family. At the end of my school day here in Tulsa I checked my voicemail and was surprised to find a message from Lys. "Hi, April, the house is empty and I'm the last one here. I promised to play the piano for you one more time before we left, so here goes...." And though she has never been one to sit at the piano, she sat down today just for me. She played Happy Birthday and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee and in between she made sure that every key and every note was played over the phone line. I never expected her to remember my request or to even think about calling and playing over the phone. Of course, the tears came as I listened and realized that someone actually understood how it felt to miss home and how important it was to acknowledge such feelings.

Thank you, Lys. :) It meant so much that you would remember a seemingly small, but rather important piece of my heart. You are the best sister in the whole wide world. :)

Until today I had not even stopped to consider that Easter was upon us. In fact, being away from home and family seems to take away from my excitement about celebrating any of the holidays. But the truth is, Easter is not really about family. It is not about religious tradition. It is not about opening baskets with gifts or eating ham dinners.

Easter is about the fact that God loves me. He loves me so much that He did not stay where He was demanding that I find a way to Him. He came for me, pursued me, called me, waited for me, spoke to me, suffered for me, chose to die for me.

These are the thoughts that draw me close tonight.

My roomate and I drove past a local movie theatre tonight. In front of this particular theatre is a cross, two feet tall, adorned with flowers and a picture frame, and dedicated to the person who did not make it through the intersection. This person was my friend Chad.

Chad was bright eyed and full of life. The day I met him I knew he was special. I knew that God's hand was on his life. He was about 20 years old, loved people, loved his bike, and loved the girls. He often invited me to his parties and get togethers. I usually declined because of other plans or because of feeling uncomfortable about the people who would be there. He didn't seem to care though. He didn't play favorites. Everyone was accepted and okay in his book.

I prayed for Chad often. He was laid so deeply upon my heart during the year and a half that I worked with him. I do not remember if I ever spoke to him poignantly about God. But I always hoped that the words of encouragement and prayer that I offered brought life to him in some way.

One Sunday last October I received a phone call after returning from church. Chad had been in an accident and had not made it. According to my friend Paul he was already gone and was about to go through the process of organ donation. I couldn't believe it. I cried and cried, and then I turned to prayer.

I didn't know that he was only in a coma. I didn't know that there was still hope. (Paul had given me no hope.) God layed the story of Lazarus on my heart. As I prayed I kept thinking about Lazarus and Jesus' words to him as he came from the tomb. "Come forth." I kept praying these words over and over, compelled, but having no idea what was going on.

One week later I attended Chad's funeral. It was held in his school where he had attended K-12. This tiny Oklahoma town saw a melting pot of people who had been touched by Chad's life. Black, white, hispanic, rich, poor, children, adults, goths, gays, straights, you name it, they were there. It was at a pre-funeral lunch that I met Stephanie, another born again Christian who had also worked with Chad.

Stephanie had spent two days at the hospital while every effort was made to save Chad's life. She sat by his bedside and prayed. She told me that although he was in a coma his vitals would skyrocket whenever someone would enter the room. Because of this, she believed that he knew what was going on. Stephanie felt the urgency to share the gospel with Chad. She told him that God loved him. She told him what Christ had done for him on the cross. She told him how to be saved. And then she prayed with him to receive Christ. As Stephanie shared this with me at the funeral, I began to cry. I truly believe that Jesus came to Chad in his very last hour on earth. Though we could not see the evidence, we felt it in our hearts.

At the funeral, the tears began as I heard Chad's school principal share from the Bible. He spoke of the story of Lazarus. I remembered my prayers and what God had laid on my heart and I was comforted. Later on, all of us who knew him from work gathered at the Cracker Barrel for lunch. We ate and shared as a family. After quite a few people had left a chorus of women from the middle dining room began to sing a song. "We will meet again, don't know where, don't know when...but we will meet again, on a bright and sunny shore..." It was this whole song about meeting again in heaven someday. Stephanie asked if they knew we had all just come from a funeral. Of course, they didn't know...they had just come for some food and wanted to share a song with the restaurant. Again, we were comforted.

I share this story to say this....I am glad for the faithfulness of God.
God wants us so much that even at the last moments of our lives He will make a way for us to come to Him. He does not hold grudges. He does not make us wait until we get it right. He died knowing that because of his death, WE, who did not yet know God would be able to know Him. I think of the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to remember him. He did not have time to make his life right, he only had time to believe and reach out. And at the last minute, this man, being punished for terrible wrongs, was accepted into the kingdom of God.

Ask Ashley Smith or Brian Nichols about the mercy and the grace of God. Their second chances have been posted all over the news.

I will end tonight with these words spoken by Jesus:

I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

And whoever lives and believes in Me

shall never die.

~John 11:25,26~

It's 2:30 in the morning and can I sleep? No. The weirdest thing about this week of spring break has been the burst of energy I have felt. In addition to catching up with some very good friends of mine, I have cleaned, done laundry, paid bills, shopped for groceries, cooked dinners, shopped for clothes, done my taxes, set up doctor's appointments, bought new glasses, bought a filing cabinet and organized all of my files. I still plan on shopping some more as well as opening up a new bank account and getting pre-qualified for a mortgage. I mean the list goes on. All of these things have been piling up on my to-do list and now I am SO excited to get to do them.

My roomate keeps giving me weird looks and asking if I am okay. Ha! She's not used to such productiveness on this side of the apartment. Truly this is the best I have felt in awhile. I haven't thought about my job at all....although....I do have some planning to do. Really and truly I could go on like this for weeks.

Here was my thought the other day as I was driving around doing errands and thinking about all of this productivity. I am almost convinced that I will stay in Tulsa after this school year. It's as if the decision has already been made and I am beginning to go through a "settling in" phase. I'm not saying this out loud yet though. This blog is as loud as it gets until I can manage to hear my own voice admitting my residence in Oklahoma.

I had lunch with my supervising professor a few days ago. She took me out to help me solve some classroom difficulties I had faced within my first year. She is the kind of teacher that pushes you to be the best. She held me to high standards (and put the fear of God in me) and at the same time gave so much grace that it was truly hard to fail. During our lunch together, not only did she encourage me, but I was able to give encouragement to her. I was not just her student anymore, I was her fellow teacher. Boy that felt good. I felt as if I had taken the rite of passage into my career. As we parted she said, "now, April, I want to be able to send student teachers to you three years from now." It made me want to stay all the more, just because I knew there was someone who believed in me to do my job and to do it well enough to teach others.

UPDATE
Mom and Dad and Lys have found their house in Jacksonville, FL. To you Rochestarians who know my family...I would love it and I know they would too if you would consider stopping in to encourage them as they leave.

My roomates, all three of them, are gone for spring break. Guess who's left with the messy apartment? I have been cleaning since 9 o'clock this morning! How does a small apartment fall to pieces so quickly?! Of course, it seems that ninety percent of the clean up pertains to my inability to put things away. Small piles are so nice to come back to though. :) My lunch break is over. I'm trying to get everything done before I head out to see my adopted family. We're barbequing to celebrate this delighfully warm weather.

To everything there is a season.

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in our hearts though we can never know what He has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Okay, maybe it's not so bad after all. :) 

Florida

Kinda looks like a postcard for Footprints in the Sand...

The rest of the story...

I left Rochester, New York on January 5, 2001 to attend Oral Robert's University. I went with a full heart and all the excitement one could muster for the college experience far away from home. Within my first couple of weeks at ORU I said, "Well, Tulsa is a nice place but I don't think I'd ever want to live here permanently." I assumed that I was only here for a "visit" while I attended college.

I have now been in Oklahoma going on five years. When asked where I am from, I still respond, "Upstate NY". Even my license plates carry the evidence of a far away state called home. I cannot bring myself to trading those things in.

I never meant to leave NY for good. I always thought I'd go back. And, then, without warning I began to consider the fact that I may never go back again. I think almost everyone has this dilema at some point. Do I return home or do I make my life in a new place? So, for quite some time, I have battled with this very question. Where is home? Here or there? And when is the right time to make such a decision?

One month ago, I began to long for NY again. I wanted to see the lakes and the hills and the green (well, you know underneath all that snow). I wanted to be with my friends whom I love so dearly. I wanted to be near my family, go into business with Jenna, drink coffee with Wes and the whole Starbucks gang, line dance with Beth, talk to Wen in person, walk the Charlotte pier, and most importantly see my friends start their families and hold their little babies. I was on the verge of "coming home". And then, the unthinkable happened....home moved.

What?

How can I go "home" if my own family is not there?

It's like God knew, so long ago, that one day I would not belong in Rochester, NY anymore. He didn't tell me. He kept it a secret. On the day I left for college I did not know that some of my friends then would not be my friends now. I did not know that my parents would leave their jobs and pick up for a brand new start thousands of miles away. I did not know that I would stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma to teach five and six year old children who were only infants at the time of my arrival. I did not know that "home" would become a visiting place.

This is only the beginning of my letting go. This is only the beginning of my search to find a place of my own, a new place to call home. I have always moved because my parents moved. I have always struggled because I did not think the moving was fair. But not this time. This time, God pointed to a place called Tulsa, OK and I went. I moved on without even knowing the fullness of God's plan. I'm on my own with no one else but God to ask for directions, with no one else to cry to when I think the circumstances are unfair. And now that I know, I am asking again...God, where do we go from here?

I went away to college planning to return, but I never returned.

God had a different plan.

So that is the rest of the story...for now.

K.'s sense of humor always brightens my day. This afternoon the school counselor came in to talk with the kids about manners and good character. Somehow, the whole group ended up talking about water beds.

K. raised his hand.
"Umm..yeah, I have a water bed."

School Counselor -
"Don't you mean your mom and dad have a water bed? Waterbeds are for big people aren't they?"

K. -
"No, we all sleep in it."

School Counselor -
"How many people sleep in your bed at night?" (looking all too concerned)

K-"Umm..5...my whole family sleeps together. My mom and dad and me and my two sisters."

I had to laugh. The school counselor, also a first year rookie, looked as if she actually believed K.'s off the wall story. I could see her mulling over the situation. If I didn't know K. so well, I would have believed his story too. He spoke with such assurance as if he had told the story many times before. K. was obviously amused, it broke up the monotony of his afternoon. And after a long, hard day with the kiddos, it broke up the monotony for me too.

Quote of the day:
"Miss Trusievitz, I just bellowed through the door!"
"hmmm"...I said to my kindergartner..."do you mean elbowed?"

Updates:

My brother's back from the field. He is now, officially, a Green Beret. I'm so proud of him. :)

Mom and dad are looking to be out of NY by the end of this month. That's right folks, mark your calendars. I will be home (if I can find a plane ticket!!!!!) somewhere between the 18th and the 22nd to help them pack up and say goodbye. I will then return to NY at the beginning of July for a Rochester wedding. Umm...I'm starting to tear up already. I'm going to miss coming home to you Rochestarians. You have given me so much love and encouragement and friendship. You are precious to me. No other group of friend has yet to come close to you all.

Good choice Jen.

How many times have I said yes in order to make someone else feel better? How many times have I compromised because I felt pressured to decide right then and there? As I ponder these questions I know the answer already....too many times.

The season of The Bachelorette has finally come to a close. Despite hating it's formula for finding love, I have to admit that I hardly missed an episode.

Aren't we are all looking for extraordinary romance, for something that sets our relationship apart from all the others? Aren't we are all looking for that once in a lifetime, "I saw him/her and I knew right away" kind of feeling. I know I am. That is why I cannot blame the people who take chances on reality tv shows like these.

They looked so good. They said the right words. They spent incredible time together. They met each other's families. In all "reality" the cards were stacked in their favor. Right? Hmm.

I sit on my comfy chair and judge the people who reveal their lives on a stage. Why in the world...? How...? Are you kidding me?

I can honestly say that I identify with Jen though. I cannot count the number of times I have said to my mother, "he has this quality", or "he has that quality", or "gosh, he might be...", or "there was just something missing." Granted, I did not do this in front of cameras...personally, I find that embarrassing. I think Jen needed both more time and more privacy. However, I saw that her heart was searching.

Here she was, men falling at her feet, and she could not even choose one of them. It tells me this...she knows that there is more. She knows that somewhere out there is the answer to question she is asking. And as confused as she may be right now, I think she made the right choice. Good girl for standing in front of everyone and saying, "I will not compromise."

Love to fill a marriage may not be found in a six week season of prime time television. But there are pieces if you look close enough. I am proud of you, Jen, for loving yourself and for loving those around you enough to follow your heart.

Lord, help me to do the same.

I love 3 day weekends.

Jilli and I went to Dallas this past weekend for some good shopping. On the way home, late saturday night, we took bets on our time of arrival. (The loser had to feed the fish..big risk). Turns out both of us were wrong, we didn't count on arriving at the scene of an accident.

We could hardly see the large tree branches covering both lanes of the dark country road. But as an suv turned around on the other side of the road we noticed the branches as well as a security car that had run head on into a tree. The suv disappeared down the road. But the security car's lights were off and we weren't sure whether it had been there for awhile or whether the accident had just happened. Within seconds, another man came walking across the road from his home. He said that he had heard the accident 15 minutes before. He asked for our cell phone and dialed 911. He looked into the security car and confirmed that, yes, there was someone inside. Jilli and I got out of the car, climbed over the wall of fallen branches, and made our way to the car. I didn't dare look inside. All I could do was just pray under my breath and wait for the emergency vehicles to arrive. We were told by the dispatcher not to take anyone out. In the two minutes that we waited two more cars almost ran into the barricade of trees. We made the second one back up and put on their hazards to prevent any further accidents.

We helped the policemen clear some of the branches. As we did, the firemen pulled the security guard from his car. From where I stood about fifty feet away I couldn't tell if the man was still alive or not. He was large and stereotypical looking for his profession. His face was the whitest I have ever seen. I just stood there and thought about how silent everything had been since our arrival. The firemen performed cpr, hooked him up to a machine, but after a couple of minutes walked away to take care of other business. A simple no from the police officer confirmed what I already had guessed. The security guard did not survive his early morning accident.

If we had arrived any earlier, it could have been us. It was the suv and the reflection of the security car that warned us to stop in front of the fallen trees. Earlier in the evening, Jilli and I had already been talking about God working all things together for our good. We had gotten lost for an hour in Dallas before we came home. We had stopped quite a few times for bathroom breaks along highway 75. At the last stop I went in alone to buy a Frappucino and some Reisons. The woman at the counter asked me to stay a couple of extra minutes to find out if her credit card machine was up and running again. I agreed. After getting back into the car I joked with Jilli that we had stopped for a "reason" (ie..the candy). Little did we know that God really was ordering our steps all the way home.

It's funny...every day we make choices that seem to make little difference. It's easy to forget that the seemingly insignificant choices and moments may be keeping us from or leading us toward more significant moments. It's easy to forget that God is sovereign. He is always protecting us, always ordering our lives.

I will end my long monday morning entry with this thought...Yesterday at church, my pastor shared this word..."You may feel as if your life is scattered, but know this, God is strategically placing you in the place that you need to be." Words of life that I needed to hear. Words to sum up the events of this past weekend. It is good to be reminded that every moment of every day He is working on our behalf.

What is your purpose in life?

And before you give the expected Christian-e answer, stop and really consider the question.
It's a given:
We are ALL here on earth to know Christ.
We are ALL here to bring glory to God.
We are ALL here to fulfill the great commission.

But why is each one of us here specifically?
Why did God plan for YOU before the creation of the world?
What is significant about YOU?

What is in your heart?
What makes you feel most alive?
When do you feel that you are closest to God?

As I considered this tonight, I thought of the examples of others who have fulfilled their purposes here on this earth. Abraham Lincoln, expanded the definitions and perceptions of freedom. Mother Teresa placed worth on the lives of those who felt none. Oprah Winfrey brings opportunity, insight, and resources to those who otherwise might not have it. I could go on and on. There is a common thread here though and that is that freedom has come to others through the lives of these people...freedom to live without oppression, freedom to realize dreams, freedom to move beyond despair, freedom to KNOW God.

Because isn't that what God has intended for us all along?

So let's rephrase the question? How does your life bring freedom to others?
Better yet, how does the life of God flow through you and in turn bring life to others?

What makes a place feel like home? Can a classroom feel like home? Should a classroom feel like home? I contemplated these questions as I watched the sun rays fall through the window of my classroom. My favorite time of day is the quiet of the afternoon after the kids have all gone home. All of a sudden, there is quiet and peace and time to think.

The sun rays reminded me of home. I thought to myself, if I were the mother of these children what would I want for them? Number one, I would want them to feel at home. Number two, I would want them to be safe. Number three, I would want them to be motivated to learn. Number four, I would want them to have great resources for their learning.

So I asked myself, am I giving these things to my students? For the most part, I think so. But being a first year teacher it seems as if I stumble over good practices rather than plan them ahead of time.

It's not that school is supposed to be a picture of home. It's a place of learning. But at the same time, kindergarten is an important place to learn about relationships, community, problem-solving. It is a transition from home to the outside world.

What makes a good home? What makes a good classroom? Here is my starting list of the similarities.

1. prayer (granted I cannot lead them in prayer, but I can pray for them)
2. laughter
3. time to listen to one another
4. an atmosphere of understanding
5. family members/friends
6. a safe place to cry
7. a safe place to learn right from wrong
8. a safe place to explore new ideas
9. a place of provision, where needs are taken care of
10. a place where a person is encouraged to grow

Every day, this is the list that runs through my head. And I fail each time. But I'm learning the balance, and I'm learning how to listen, how to respond, how to deal with each child individually and according to their needs.

God has a hard job. I only have nineteen kids. And the more I work with them, the more I realize how individual they are. Each one has a unique approach to life. Each one learns differently, is motivated differently, responds differently to their environment. Each one needs time each day to be loved and encouraged.

I don't know how, God, but show me how. I can't stand the thought of failing these kids.

It's 12:30am and I can't resist saying something about the holiday that is upon us before I head to bed. I am not heartbroken this year that I do not have a valentine. In fact, I feel indifferent towards this day of love. Instead of romance and butterflies, I feel this huge void, a void that I was made aware of when S. left and then again when things fell apart with C. My idea of love has been a huge disappointment. It has not worked out as I had planned or as I had hoped. Those that I have loved or adored or held close have walked away or disappeared. And all of sudden my full plate looks empty, devoid of the pleasures I longed to taste. There are moments recently when the full weight of the void hits me. The message comes through as I find myself longing for someone or something. The void takes on faces and names. But I am becoming aware that the void cannot be filled by those someones or somethings. The truth is, I was created to be filled with the life and the love of God. He is the only perfect fit, the only fulfiller of dreams and desires. But I have no idea how this works. I have no idea how to let God love me in a real way. All I have is head knowledge, all I have are the testimonials of others, all I have is the faith that says, "it can happen, I hope it happens to me". What I truly desire is a recharging of the heart. I desire life to come back. With everything in me, I just want to know that I am for real and that God is pleased with me.

Fill my heart again
with the rains
with the sun
You know my shape,
my form
Awaken my desire and
show me Your love

Finally, the end of a long week....Valentines Day comes next week, which means sugar highs for at least two to three days following. After this past week, I think I can handle it. :) The kids are so cute with their excitement about the upcoming holiday. I'm working up the excitement. :) Not too much action for the teacher this year.

I learned a valuable lesson today. Lack of sleep equals low supply of patience while interacting with kindergartners. I used to be able to handle five to six hours of sleep at night. I used to be able to roll out of bed without too much of a problem and handle the day's activities. Not anymore. This morning I saw a marked difference in my tolerance and multi-tasking levels. Something about three five year olds pushing for my attention at the same time, while I am helping another to understand his work, while the phone is ringing, while another student is crying. Yeah, not so good for a sleep deprived teacher. So here I am....signing off at approximately 10:40pm...which after reading for a bit puts me to sleep at about 11:30 pm. That's one hour extra tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow we can fit another one in there. Looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. :)

The soldiers are home!

"when we will look back on these times, we will realize with the deepest of convictions that this was the moment simple existence ended... we woke up,and began to truly live life."

Pip

To Pip: You have summed up the hearts of so many around you. When I read your blog tonight my heart said "yes" and I smiled. Somewhere, in the midst of our brokeness and our searching, we are learning to live.

This morning I woke up and thought about my friend L. I have known L. since the beginning of my stay here in Tulsa. I met her in the room across from mine my first semester at college and soon afterwards she invited me to TPH. My first visit to TPH was refreshing and held reminders of home. That is why I stayed at this church for three and a half years. During that time L. and I became good friends. She brought with her laughter, deep thought, and soul searching creativity. L. was also the lead singer of a band. They were local but I knew they could go places far beyond T-town. If I had had the resources to invest in them, I would have sent them to wherever they needed to go. If I had known the ins and outs of music business I would have helped them through the red tape maze. With all my heart I believed in their message. They could play in any club or bar and bring people to their knees. When L. sang, she grabbed the attention of dark corners and hardened hearts. Her voice carried beyond church walls to a place that spoke of knowing God and being known by Him.

Some of my favorite moments with L. were the moments when we were singing. About a year into TPH I joined the worship team alongside her. At first, I was intimidated by the thought of my voice comparing to hers. The fear was shortlived, however. L. was not the intimidating type.

After three and half years at TPH, I decided that it was time for me to go. God had been speaking long before that, but it took awhile to actually realize it was Him and then to be obedient. I hated leaving without giving an explanation to the others in the congregation, especially L. I wanted to tell her the circumstances. I wanted to make her understand, but I knew it was not my place.

There had been a dark cloud over me at TPH. Staying had hindered my growth in so many ways. As I pondered all of this my heart broke for L. I would see her every so often at the coffeehouse where she worked close to my apartment. Our conversations were brief and almost always interuppted. I wanted so badly to tell her what I was going through. I saw her going through the same thing. Her band had died, her art was fading, she talked about feeling confused and lost. But how could I convince her to leave? I decided to continue to pray and leave it up to the Lord to lead her out. And then she left for another job location and I thought, "Well, I won't see her again for awhile."

As I got ready for church I thought about writing to L. or giving her a call. Was it worth it? Should I just let it go and move on? In the rush of the morning, I pushed the debate from my mind and headed out. My roomate and I arrived fifteen minutes late and sat in the back row. The service was good and being the first Sunday of February we shared communion after the sermon. I watched row after row file out ahead of ours to receive the elements. And that's when I saw her, L. was returning to her seat.

My eyes filled with tears. I watched as the worship service ended. I watched as the people around L. headed out the door. And then I walked to her seat and put my arm around her. It was a moment I have rarely tasted, the kind that you hope for but wait what seems like a lifetime to actually see, a moment of friends finding each other on the other side a long, hard season. There were tears in both of our eyes. L. told me that she had left TPH. She spoke some of the same words that I had spoken seven short months ago...words of uncertainty and regret, words of hope, determination, and newfound wisdom.

There are over 1,000 churches in T-town. And today L. and I ended up at the same one. I asked her about her music and she told me that she had begun to sing again. She told me that she was waking up in a world where she was free to follow her heart and free to hear the voice of God for herself. She was waking up and the cloud that had hovered for so long had begun to lift.

The evidence of God's faithfulness is everywhere. Every sunrise, every season, every rainstorm is a reminder of His commitment to our lives. Today, it was good to see Him again. And the funny thing is, I knew this day would come but I didn't know that I would see it with my own eyes. I am so thankful right now. God knows the deep cries in my heart and He is answering them. This helps me to wait as I hope to see the salvation of those I have been praying for for so long. It helps me to wait as I search for a place to settle and as I wait for my family to be settled. It helps me to wait, knowing that one day I will wake up, be on my way, and suddenly I will see the man that God has planned to bring across my path for so long.

You help me to wait, Lord, and you renew my strength.

I sat at Camille's with my roomate tonight and discussed life decisions...yet again. The future seems to be our main topic of conversation as of late. Where should we go? What do we really want to do? Who do we really want to be near? Clues are beginning to filter in. Small traces of direction seep into our conversations, leaving me to contemplate our words long after. I told her that I am almost tired of this trying to figure things out. I find it exhausting, overwhelming, two-sided. I just wish the answers would finally come. But I also realize that the process of this search is causing my heart to be mended and reshaped. It is causing me to draw closer to God and question the deeper things that are going on. That's more important than any change in circumstances.

It all comes down to this. Yes, there are specific geographic places that I am weighing against one another. But these specific places are not what I am looking for; it is what lies within these places. What I really desire are meaningful relationships, belonging to a community of believers, fulfilling my purpose in whatever capacity that may be. In all reality, these could be found in any small corner of the world. And to tell you the truth, I don't really care where it is. I just want it to be somewhere and I don't want to miss out on it.

Email of the day:

Hey this a quick e-mail to say the next time i talk to ya i'll be in the U.S.A.
So don't reply to this e-mail. I'll be looking forward to seeing everyone as
soon as possible.
Joe

Joe has been in Iraq for a year. He's finally coming home...safe and sound. This good news has been a long time coming. God is faithful.

ps- I now have a two-stepping dance partner! Yeah! :)

"Without a purpose our only motivation is reward and punishment."

How do you help a kindergartner find their purpose?

I reflected on this last night as I sat in class. I saw the faces of my kindergarten students. I heard the words that I have spoken as I have taught them. Dr. M., my university professor, often warned of using behaviorism. Even now, when she comes for observations, she points out that students must be inwardly motivated to do the right thing. Little by little, I am seeing her point. I HATE being a mean teacher. But what I hate even more is allowing chaos in my classroom. The result? Classroom discipline. The obvious choice to most teachers is some kind of reward and punishment system. Dr. M., so far, has looked down at my attempts. With nineteen five and six year olds bouncing off the walls time does not always allow for pulling a student aside to discuss behavior. What I want is for them to be self-controlled and kind to one another without having to be reminded. I forget sometimes that they are in my classroom to learn these skills. So how do I unlock the internal motivators? If I can figure this out, it might be life changing to teach children without holding punishments or rewards over their head every second of the day.

Sold

Well, it's pretty much official. The papers were signed this evening. Not sure where the family is heading now. We are all still praying for direction. To those of you back home...I would love your prayer support for the fam. I was remembering the good times in this house with mom tonight. I was remembering the gatherings during the good old MCC and BASIC days. Boy, we had fun. Walks to Charlotte Beach, cookouts, pool parties, nights we just sat in the garage and worshiped, enjoying the backyard swing. This was a good place to be.

The worst part of leaving this house will be leaving the piano. I had told God before we moved to Rochester that I really wanted a piano in the house. And for real, folks, it came with this house and it brought music into our family. My dad would sit for the longest time and just play. Even as he played, single note by single note, peace would drift through the house. And I would play and I would feel as if I was pouring my heart out on those keys. I cannot even begin to explain the ministry of this piano...or rather the ministry of God through it. I miss the piano already. It is the only thing, so far, that I have shed tears over as my parents talk about moving.

John with Iraqi National Guard

My friend John sent this picture to me today along with his experience of the elections while serving in Iraq.

"The whole experience was nice. We guarded the camp and had six hour shifts apiece. Luckily I got the 12:00pm to 6:00pm! Not a whole lot happened. Well, I say not a whole lot but we recieved some rockets that about gave me a heart attack. I was on duty and we got hit and then I heard another rocket coming in and it sounded like it was headed straight for me. Talk about your close calls. Luckily no one was hurt! We also had a few dud rockets that came in. I was laying in bed and we had all the lights out. I saw two flares and it looked like they were moving and come towards us and then I heard another rocket. I thought we were done for but I guess itwas a dud also. I thought I had been nervous before but nothing like those twoincidents. For the most part the election went well. There were very fewattacks and that says something for the security of the country! It may not be all that secure but we have definetly made progress and that's all that can be asked."

Every time I look at this picture it is like looking at the face of a newborn. I feel hope and concern and joy all at the same time. Our generation has been fighting for the freedom of these men and the country they represent and now defend. Our men and women have died so that these men would have the chance to live. Courage and Bravery. I am challenged as I live among those who would lay down their lives for a cause that is bigger than their own understanding. I am humbled, knowing that my own brother and friends walk the line between life and death in order to preserve this freedom. God has placed freedom in our hearts. He has given it to us in order that we may choose Him without reservation. And we must, in turn, share the gift we have been given.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I will praise the Lord all my life;

I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not put your trust in princes,

in mortal men, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them--

the Lord, who remains faithful forever.

He upholds the cause of the oppressed

and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free,

the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

the Lord loves the righteous.

The Lord watches over the alien

and sustains the fatherless and the widow,

but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever,

Your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the Lord.

I am glad that God is faithful, even when we are faithless. I am glad that He remembers, even when we forget. I am glad that God loves us, even when we do not understand His love. I am glad. I'm going to try to remember His goodness in the middle of the school day, when the kids are less than perfect and wearing on my last bit of patience. I'm going to try to remember the ways in which He draws me out, so that somehow I can pull them into this thing called learning. I'm going to try to remember above all to encourage them and smile at them and value their perspectives. Lord show me how to teach them better.

Saying goodbye is not easy...only inevitable. And as much as you prepare for those final moments, they can still bring with them unexpected intensity. I helped a friend clean their apartment tonight as they packed to leave for a new city. This is one of the last friends to pack up from T-town and leave for life beyond the towers. It is the end of a season; I'm not sure that I want it to end.

I am so thankful for the friendships that God has given me. Each one is precious and each one has taught me something different about life. This friend in particular has, without knowing, pushed me to want better things for my life. They have passed on confidence, and laughter, and perspective that I did not have before. I am truly grateful. I will look back on this season and remember how friendships can grow in the most unlikely of places. If I had remained ignorant and afraid, I would not have known the joy and the comfort of this friend. Instead, I have been challenged and enlightened. I have learned about someone else and I have matured in the way I walk through relationships.

I don't want to let go! But if there is anything I have learned in all my years of moving and starting over it is that letting go is one of the most important keys to life. Letting go enables us to move on. Letting go inspires change and growth. It causes us to know more than we knew before. It gives us the chance to go beyond where we thought the limits once were.

And so, dear friend, thank you for your time and for your friendship. I wish you well and I pray that you perceive and embrace the abundance and the love of God that covers your life.

"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land."

~Song of Solomon 2:10-12~

I walked in a snow covered garden today and passed by a bench with this inscription. Maybe it was the moment, maybe it was the culmination of many days before, but it spoke to my heart. These are the words I have longed to hear and did not even know it until they were right in front of me.

At the suggestion of my friend Bethany, I have decided to reflect this morning on the things that I am thankful for. Here they are in no certain order.

sleeping in on Saturday mornings
fall leaves
the smell of spring
the smell of fall
the smell of the ocean
the smell of dryer sheets
my brother Joshua
my sister Alyssa
loving parents
listening to Dad play the piano
mom on the other end of the phone at any given time of day
the comfort of my bed (lots of cushion)
candles
Starbucks' chai lattes
my roomate Jilli
Sunday afternoons spent with Jilli at Starbucks contemplating God and life
the pier at Charlotte Beach
mint chocolate chip ice cream
kindergarteners
my guitar
my laptop
the sound of a piano
the sound of morning doves
quiet moments of worship
being home with friends who break out the worship music at any moment
"the farm" (where I grew up)
road trips
orchids
Christmas trees
my goldfish (Swish)
my friend Maria (who continues to show me how love changes things)
Angela (who has shown me the gift of giving)
Zoe (who's friendship has proven to be a treasure)
large bodies of water
mountain ranges
cuddling up in the afghan mom made for me
a friendly volleyball game
the green bench in the middle of ORU prayer gardens
the Krug family who has taken me in as one of their own
Cracker Barrel restaurants
sweet ice tea
shoes
Chi flat irons
dark chocolate
email
handwritten letters
surprise packages
clean laundry
long walks
untouched patches of snow
my friends in Rochester who love God and who continue to encourage me to seek after the Lord
friends here in Tulsa who make sure that I am well taken care of

Wow, I could go on and on here...but these are off the top of my head. Good call, Bethany. We are blessed. This is only skimming the surface. Think of all the times "I was this close to..." or "just when I thought..." or "I never thought..." or "All of a sudden..." and on and on. The story of our lives is orchestrated so beautifully. Who wants to go through the valley? Who volunteers to feel hurt and disappointment? But without the pain, we would not feel the fullness of the beauty or the blessing. God will bring us through. He alone is our hope and our security.

You have lead me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On my back, bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that is Yours

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Jars of Clay

One of the little boys in my class (we'll call him Stuart) lost his rock today. By the sound of his crying you would have thought that he had lost something much more important. Another boy had found the rock just minutes before, picked it up, and then threw it into the grassy field next to our school building as we walked from the computer lab back to our outdoor classroom.

It was one of those dramatic moments where there was only one me with two places to be at once. My whole class had already gone inside while Stuart stood alone outside on the verge of a meltdown over his lost rock. Now Stuart is not one to come when called. It takes a lot of convincing. He would not take the hand of his friends who tried to coax him back to the classroom. He would not respond to my teacher words such as "Stuart if you don't get up here now..." I could not leave my class alone and yet I could not leave him alone outside either. Finally, and I'm not sure why, he crossed the hundred yards back to where I was standing, still crying and still very much wanting to look for his rock.

In order to calm him down, I promised him that we would all go look for the rock later. When he explained what his rock looked like, so we could be sure to find the right rock, he told us that it was the one that looked like a rhinoceros' skin. Wow, maybe it really was special.

As I think about all of this, I am remembering another dramatic moment in our classroom about a week ago. It was the day that I learned hot glue really can reassemble an oyster shell. It was Stuart again, seems his backpack had been through a brutal foot stomping exercise. And inside was a shell that he had brought to show and tell for the past three weeks. Stuart found out that he had good friends that day. I would have thrown the broken remains of the shell away. Three girls in the classroom came to the rescue and pretended they were doing a puzzle. Aterwards, they asked me for the hot glue gun. Wow, my kindergarteners are smart.

Shells and rocks...treasures worth keeping with you all day long, special enough to cry over when lost, truthful enough to show you friends. Simplicity. Lord, give me understanding of such things.

Can I just say that I love 70 degree weather in the middle of January? Summer is on the brink and the thought of winter is almost a forgotten memory. Every day for the past week, we have been outside for recess without coats! This is one reason not to leave Tulsa. To those of you on the east coast, I do not miss the snow part of you. I am sure that if you were here you would feel the same.

"But that seems to be my life recently."

I keep saying this to myself when I look around and see the need for change. How long has it been this way? I'm not quite sure. But, for real, it is time to set some things in order.

Admittedly, it has been almost two weeks since I've picked up my guitar. Poor girl she needs more practice. So I picked her up tonight and I couldn't remember how to play this new arrangement of Breathe. "Argghh," I thought, "I'll have to go to my lesson again without being an expert at the homework I was given to work on." But was that really the point of starting my lessons? Was it to impress some instructor who sees me for thirty minutes a week? No. So I am questioning this lack of playing. Am I too busy? Am I preoccupied? Do I really love to play as much as I think I do?

In addition, I am quite unsatisfied with how a lot of things are running at the moment. I thrive on organization, but I cannot seem to get organized. There is clutter here and piles there. There are dirty dishes in my car and school books on my bedroom floor. My classroom is slightly better, but it is not the picture of perfection that lives inside of my head. I used to chalk this up to my free spirited personality, but it's starting to drive me nuts.

My days often turn out dull and unfulfilled. Lack of discipline could be at the root of this...sad but true. Sometimes, I feel as if this great cloud blocks my view of what's really going on. I have looked away from the things that are truly important and have forgotten the joy and the fullness that they bring to my life...the guitar being only one example. Maybe it is this admittance that is the first step. Maybe. I think I know though. It's really that I have neglected the One who brings true life. Well, not totally, but yes a whole lot. In all of my hurt over the past year, I found a new side to this walk of faith. It is foreign and requires strength I'm not sure I have yet.

Without fear of reproach or rejection

You have called me to walk by your side

Duty does not raise its voice

And others who threw rocks of guilt and shame

have been silenced by their own misery

This new understanding breathes life

Lord, raise my eyes to yours

smile and say my name

Hold my hand and steady my pace

as my feet walk the path once again.

Silence takes the place of my words. It is good to be quiet, and better not to read between the lines.

Tonight was a good night for reflecting. The weather was clear, I was in my car, and the long drive seemed a good mix with Shane Bernard kicking out some Psalms. Two main things were on my mind. The first, being the issue of where in the world I should go. The second, being an issue of seeing love in a whole new light.

To start with the first, I have say that I am blessed to even have the option of going anywhere in the world to live my life. I mean, I really could. I could teach overseas, I could teach in the city, I could teach in the country. I could live in any state, apply at any school. It's almost overwhelming. So, I am really contemplating the places that stick out most to me and these are it in no certain order:

1. I could stay in Tulsa. I already have a great job, an amazing church, the only aerobics instructor who has ever succeeded in motivating me to work out :) , some good friends (who at any time can and probably will move away at some point).

2. I could move back home to NY. The last time I was at home I felt as if I belonged again. It felt so good. There was purpose in my visit. I felt connected with my close friends (who seem pretty committed to staying in the area). I also felt close to God. My family is there and I miss them. Of course, they could be moving soon too.

3. My roomate is convinced that Cali is the place to be. And, oh, how I wish that I was as convinced as her. I love southern Cali. The weather is beautiful, the landscape is gorgeous, the people are pretty laid back, and the shopping is great!

4. Nashville, TN. I know nothing about this place. I do not know anyone there. It just sounds like a fresh start. I find it worth considering.

So these are my options. On any given day I lean towards one or the other. Each has its own experiences to bring to the table. Each has its own package of "unknown fears" to keep me from going too far in my consideration. I find myself asking, "God, which one would You choose?" I want to set down roots. I want to belong in a place and know my purpose in being there. I want to grow in my calling and be fruitful. Some would say you could do that anywhere, and yes, I agree you could. I just want to know where my "anywhere" is.

So on to the next contemplation, as if this entry isn't already long enough. I was thinking tonight about a good friend of mine. Our friendship started out a bit rocky but somehow we remained friends and have now known each other for about 2 years. In the beginning, and even up until a few months ago, I would have brushed him aside as just some guy wanting my attention. But all of a sudden I realized that he has been my FRIEND. In the midst of me trying to "play it safe" and not give too much of myself into the relationship, I did not realize how valuable he was. He has always gone out of his way to make sure I was well taken care of...whether it was buffing scratches off of my car or helping to dry my tears after returning the kitten I couldn't keep. Of course, just recently, a lot has changed in our relationship. For awhile, I was the one who received all of his attention (at least that's how I felt). Now, the reality of moving on has set in. He is seeing someone else. And I miss him, really miss him. Now do not read between the lines here. I'm not in love with this guy. I have always known that we could only be friends. He is not the one for me. That being said, I now admit that he has taught me how to be a better friend. He has taught me how to love in a way that I haven't known before. B/c he never asked for anything in return. He just constantly gave of himself and never held it over my head. He gave me what I could not give him. And standing on the other side of all of this, I realize what a gift I have been given. And I can't even hold onto to it. I have to let it go. But it is love just the same, and its a beautiful thing.