What kind of Oklahoma tour would be complete without spiders? As the sun begins to set on the walking bridge, hundreds of spiders come out for their dinner. They were everywhere! ...which is why this bridge is also called "the spider bridge". Umm..I did not get this close to the spider...notice the blurryness...it is called zooming in with the camera.

Tulsa skyline as the city lights begin to turn on. 

Psalm 27:13

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

The sun just slipped its note below my door

And I can't hide beneath my sheets

I've read the words before so now I know

The time has come again for me

And I'm feelin' the same way all over again

Feelin' the same way all over again

Singin' the same lines all over again

No matter how much I pretend

In the words of Norah Jones, the final week in Tulsa has begun. I know how this process runs its course. I've done it all before. But goodbyes do not come easy and I still do not know what the future holds. I am sad. I am reminiscent. I am excited and ready for adventure.

All I do know is that God has prepared the way ahead of me. My only peace is the one that surpasses all of my understanding. Why Florida? Why now? Why me? All questions I hope to have answered in the coming weeks and months, perhaps even years.

Putting a rough year behind me, and moving forward, I want to believe that there are good things ahead. I want to believe it with all my heart. Lord, renew my hope and help me to see what you see.

The skies lit up over Tulsa tonight. I was out on my balcony hoping not to get blown away by the 90mph wind!!! (no exaggerating folks) Actually, it wasn't that bad in my neighborhood, but lots of trees were blown down elsewhere. The thunder was so loud it shook our apartment. 

Scribbles. 

Kinda makes you wonder what's hiding up there in those dark clouds... 

This is one of my favorites this evening. 

More Lightning 

MSNBC.com
Secret to wedded bliss ? saying sorry

British couple holds record for longest marriage at 80 years

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8047095/?GT1=6657

In response to a recent comment left on my blog, I am making this post tonight. I keep asking myself, "How far will you go to love someone?" I look at the story of Hosea in the Bible. God told him to marry a prostitute and to continue to show her love even after she had left him for other men and had had children that did not belong to him. Would that happen in our society today? I think it is probably quite rare. When someone hurts me, I want to leave them...I do not want to pray for them, I do not want to be an open door for them. Even when I know that they are hurting, it is hard to look on them with love and to be a faithful friend. But that is who God is...He is faithful, He is patient to wait for us, He understands where we are and He does not hold it against us. God's heart towards us is full of unconditional love and the desire that we will come to a point of being able to freely love Him in return. I have a long ways to go before I get to the point of truly living in this way.

The rest of this post is to John and to every other man or woman who commits themself to the service of freedom:

For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

Romans 5:8

Passion is not just in words, it is in actions. This verse came to life for me because of your examples. You fought for people who sometimes do not even know their own need for freedom, who often fight against you as you lay down your lives for them.

Thank you, John, for fighting for our country. The sacrifices that you and Joe have made have greatly challenged my faith. Am I willing to die for my country? Even more, am I willing to die for the faith that I claim to hold onto? You laid your lives on the line and you set a standard. My life is changed because of you also.

I ran across a new blog this week...Joey is now linked conveniently to your right. Her blog is refreshing and sweet. Check it out. :)

It is way past my bedtime and I just got off the phone...

At one o'clock this morning, I was on the computer talking away with a friend, when the phone rang. Sure enough, the area code indicated that it could be only one of two people. And wonder of wonders, it was the one who promised that I'd never hear from him again.

I believe that God prepares us for moments such as these. Even on the way home tonight I was contemplating the big move and talking to God about the things that I was going to miss about this place. This person who called was also on my heart as I prayed.

So although it was a surprise to see the number on my caller id, it was not a shock as I answered the phone and heard the voice on the other line. Nonetheless, the nervous feeling that I have not felt for quite some time rose up in the pit of my stomach. I had to hold the phone with both hands.

After sharing with this person that I had decided to leave Oklahoma, we began to reminisce a bit. I was drawn into a conversaton of favorite memories and inside jokes. His last memory was very simple. He talked about watching me blowdry my hair on one of his visits. He said that those moments of just watching me do my normal routine just kind of stuck with him. He said, "The good stuff is being able to see people as they really are." It reminded me of a story I heard from another guy who lived in Africa. He said in his community, if they wanted to visit with someone, they would come into the house, say hello, and then squat down silently and watch the people of the house go about their normal routine. After a good amount of time, the visitor would stand up and say, "I have seen you", and then be on their way.

How many people know the real you? How many people see the pre-made up, pre-breakfast, comfortable, relaxed, uninhibited you? I think that is why I miss my friend so much. Because there was a point in our lives where we knew each other, really knew each other.

Four months ago, I would have walked back into an unhealthy relationship. I am so thankful that God was faithful and led me to a place where I could find freedom. There has been a twelve year cycle in my life that I have not been able to escape. And tonight, I escaped...or rather was made aware of my rescue. I sat behind an enormous and safe wall as someone threw pebbles to draw me out. But instead of breaking into my safe haven, the pebbles only clinked and fell to the ground. They did not hurt me anymore.

Dad is the kind of guy who knows how to pack...seriously, if anyone could bring the proverbial camel through the eye of the needle, he'd have a good chance. I was helping my dad pack the truck two nights ago. I looked up at him and asked, "what can I bring you, dad?" He looked at me and answered, "everything". In the context of our conversation his response made perfect sense. But it was also one of those moments where words transcend immediate circumstances. What I heard was more than just a request to bring the rest of my boxes to the packing area.

My dad carried the load that I could not carry with my own car. My dad covered the expenses that I could not cover. All I had to do was bring what I had so that He could arrange and put things into their place. In the midst of this, I saw a picture of me and God, my Father. Isn't God the one preparing the way for me? Isn't God the one who arranges my life? All I have to do is bring Him what I have and what I need Him to carry for me. It makes so much sense.

...What does He want from me? Everything.

I don't know about everyone else but when I think about the term "everything" I hear this groaning inside of me that says, "oh no, what if I don't get these things back?", "what if giving 'everything' requires more than I can give?" This groaning turns into apathy and stores itself as pride. "I can do it on my own. I can go into debt paying my own way. I can handle the stress of trying to find my own way." That or I give the lip service that claims everything but holds much less. "Oh God, you have everything...I give you everything...you have ALL of me." When really, I spend my whole day making choices as if it did not matter to Him. I worry about what I am going to wear or who I am going to talk to or how I am going to make a payment. And I don't even to stop to say, "God, what is your heart about this? What is your will for me today? What should I really be doing in this situation?"

He makes a way for us when we don't know the way. He gives us everything we will ever need. He is there when we need Him. And it's so simple to just bring it. All He asks is that we bring Him our boxes, the precious things we carry with us, the junk that we don't know how to throw away or get rid of. He will arrange it, He will carry it.

...And when the time comes, He carries us.

God carry me and take my fears as I enter this new season.

My bedroom echos. It is empty and for the next two weeks I will sleep on a blow-up mattress (or the couch....we'll see which is more comfortable). My parents took their holiday weekend to help me move all of my things. They showed up today with my uncle's truck....we still haven't figured out what year it is, but let me tell you...it does it's job. ;)

Since my parents showed up, I decided it was a good time for them to meet my closest friends. My "Tulsa family" came over for an early dinner...soup, sandwhiches, fruit salad, berry pie and ice cream. I have waited four years for this day, it was good to have everyone together. Then P. and his roomate came over to eat and help with the moving process. I looked around and felt so blessed to have these people in my life. I had this realization that they are evidence of God's grace in my life. I have gone through some hard seasons, made some wrong decisions, and yet these friends and family have prayed for me, loved me, and stood by me. They even take the time to help with the huge process of moving. I feel as if I couldn't ever repay them for who and what they have been for me.

Oh and here's a thought...All I have left here at my apartment...computer, guitar, Bible, sketchbook, clothes, plants, fish...oh and dishes. And yet the truck is piled high with things that I "need". Hmm...it's nice to scale down...weird to live without furniture, but I'm likin' the simplicity. It's no wonder God doesn't let us take things with us...it takes too long to pack and who really needs the stuff anyways... ;)

Eat your heart out U-Haul! This old truck has done the job and has saved me a thousand dollars, and I am not exaggerating. Thanks to my uncle in Florida, my every (well, almost every) belonging is on its way to the sunshine state.  

The mark of authenticity....my favorite part. :) 

This isn't the brightest picture, but it is in fact what I call evidence of a miracle. A whole bedroom set (we're talking headboard, mattress, boxspring, chest of drawers, double dresser w/mirror, nightstand), 2 bookshelves, boxes and boxes of clothes and books, all of my school supplies (which took up my whole car's backseat and trunk space), a vaccum cleaner, works of art, a filing cabinet, etc., etc., etc., I never thought it would fit! 

...but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven...
for where your treasure is there your heart will be also...

matthew 6:20,21

"It is finished"....the words I said to myself as I left my school building today. I can't believe it's all over! I can't believe it's time to move on from Tulsa. I have waited and waited for this....

I'm going to miss my kiddos. I'm going to miss their laughter and their faces. I'm going to miss watching them grow up through the school years. Little A. was on the playground last Friday as I was cleaning out my classroom. I had her come and pick up her lost bracelet. "Miss T., would you come to my house for dinner sometime?" Her sincerity just melted my heart. Just a couple months ago, as we sat together on the school bus, she asked me, "Could you come to my house for a sleepover?" There were times when I wondered if I was even getting through to this little one. Her ability to follow directions was questionable and a bit frustrating. But by the end of the year, I know she got through to me. She brought me a framed portrait of the words, "A hundred years from now..it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove...but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child!" Up until the moment when I opened this gift, I thought of this saying (that I have read many times before) as general and cheesy. But when I read those words and saw the smile on A.'s face, I was brought to tears. Because don't I worry about all that other stuff every single day of my life? And yet the most important things are the children who stare me in the face for eight hours a day, five days a week.

I can see the change that occured in me over this past year. I can see how the capacity to love and teach these children grew more than I thought it could. And I still have so much more to learn...

Looking into yesterday and all the dreams that heaven sent.

Maybe love will come our way

And when I stand upon the land I threw the dreams into the sea

Maybe they will rise again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

What is this thing called love

I know I've found it, it's in your eyes

Looking to the 'morrows dreams

And all the secrets that they hold

Patiently waiting for these days

And when I look into the sky I see that

hope is coming soon

Praying love will come again

And maybe, maybe love will come our way

And maybe hope will come to us again

Delirious

Tonight, I am hoping for a second chance. I look at my life and the choices I have made and I hope that God's mercy is greater than my ignorance and my hardened heart. It is easy to say so, it is harder to believe it. I don't know how to be who I was made to be. But I know it is there. I know that deep inside of me are all of the things I am longing for...peace, purity, fruitfulness, faithfulness, excellence. What is the key to unlock these things? What is the key to unlocking the presence of God in my life once again? He has never left me I am sure. But have I left Him? Deep thoughts on a Friday night...I know. But the more I reflect on circumstances as of late...I really wonder at the state of my heart. I wonder because of the compromise that I see. I hate to even think about it.

Lord, set my feet on paths of righteousness and make my crooked places straight. Turn my heart once again and let me hear the sound of your voice calling. Be near to me, God.

Just found this article...encouraging.

So we released our tadpoles into the pond behind our school today. Let me just say that all 40 kindergarteners were awesome. The other teacher and I made sure to tell them to keep hands and feet out of the water. And that they did. What we neglected to tell them was to keep from touching the dead fish that would be laying on the grass beside the pond. Before we knew it, dead minnows were flying through the air and back onto the surface of the water. Ugh...something to remember for next time. :P

To those of you who know me and who read my posts...to those of you whose email addresses I do not have...I am moving to Jacksonville, FL. June 11 is the date of departure.

We truly never know the plans that God has for us, but we can always trust that they are to give us a hope and a future. I feel more hopeful than I have felt for a long time. It's surprising even to me to keep telling this news. I never thought I'd say the words, "I"m moving to Florida." ...and here I am, just weeks before the u-haul trailer pulls out of town. I can't believe it's all falling into place. God was waiting for the perfect time to open up this door. I feel so blessed to know that He has ordained a new chapter, something fresh...a new adventure. Who knows what else will follow?

What If is written by a new friend of mine. It asks a lot of serious questions I myself have been asking lately. Be careful, you might find yourself in there too.

(The results of a "keys to your heart" test used to be posted here...I have taken them out...weird, but for the past couple of days I could not stand the thought of putting this type of test on my blog (no offense to those who do post these types of tests because they are kind of fun). Although it seemed to offer some sort of insight, I did not like the way it came about. It's gone and I feel much better. Who needs the "experts" anyways?) :)

I couldn't resist adding another kid quote to the mix. :)

Afternoon Recess

C. (brand new student in my class and obviously upset) - "Miss T., B. is trying to give me a wedgie!"

Me (after walking over to B. on the playground) - "B., why were you trying to give C. a wedgie?"

B. (with a look of honest sincerity) - "But, Miss T., I thought he wanted one."

LOL - maybe it's just the end of the year, but i wanted to laugh right out loud

I got pulled over by a police officer tonight, for the first time ever in my life. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. He pulled me over because of my missing headlight...."Yes, sir, I know..." Then he sat in his car for a few minutes while I prayed for the best possible outcome. I know officers are out there to help you, but they always scare me a little bit. Anyways, he served me a warning, I had to sign for it. Then he looked at me with the concern a dad would have on his face and said, "Be careful". That was nice. I drove exactly the speed limit (well almost exactly) all the way home.

I went to mass with my friend J. tonight, and I must say that some parts of it were very refreshing. Since leaving the small church I attended about this time last year I have stood back and looked at the experience of church in a whole new light. Sometimes, I am drastically bored and at other times I am extremely touched. Mostly though, I find that church is not so normal or comfortable anymore and I find myself searching for the place I once knew as a child...though I doubt it will ever be the same. Tonight, I was not really searching, just tagging along because I had been invited.

I love the reverence that is practiced at Catholic services, though at times the religiousity seems a bit much. But really, I look at what is going on outwardly and I long for that reverence to be found in my own heart. It seems to me that during a Catholic church service, the people sing and repeat such powerful words and I wonder if they even know it. I am often moved to tears (this isn't the first time I have been to mass) by the simplicity and the pointedness of the prayers and recitations and scripture readings. It is as if I am allowed to focus more on the words in the message rather than on how the message is being delivered to me.

After eucharist was served this evening there seemed to be such an intimacy in the chapel. In all of my visits to Catholic churches this was the first time I have ever noticed such a difference. I was sad that I was not Catholic and therefore had not been permitted to take part in the elements. (I mean, they couldn't really know, of course, whether or not I was Catholic, but J. knew, and judging by how I didn't know any of the practices I most likely stood out as an "outsider".) Nonetheless, I was touched by the intimacy of the service. At the end, the priest came and knelt before the altar and for about two minutes there was complete silence in the chapel as we bowed our heads in prayer. How cleansing, prayer without noise, without music, without voices...complete silence aside from a random person's cough here or there. I left the chapel thinking, church should be more like this...contemplative, simple, sincere.

I am posting into the early morning hours after just arriving home from a night of babysitting, and as I post I am looking around at a very spacious bedroom. It is spacious because there is now only one person living in it. Slight evidence would suggest that a roomate existed even this morning...lotion in the bathroom, a small fan on the floor, milk and toaster strudels in the kitchen. Jilli I miss you already.

We contemplated the Howard run last night but opted to forego such an opportunity. For those of you who do not know, the Howard Auditorium is located on the ORU campus and looks like a mini Epcot center. Many students climb this odd shaped building and run its circumference despite security measures taken to keep such activities to a minimum. Instead, we walked the entire campus one last time. If you stand in a spot long enough, it is amazing how memories will come back to you. I could see people and events that took place. I could see the faces of friends and acquaintances. I could feel the weather. I could smell the food. I could almost taste the emotions that I had felt while living on a college campus. I am forever changed because of this season in my life. I am forever changed because of the people I have met and the God that I have come to know. The campus holds something great in its midst. An amazing presence of God makes itself at home on this land. You cannot be on it for long before you realize the peace that pervades everything. It is the only place in the world that I feel safe enough to walk alone at night. And although I cannot stay here, I know that it will stay with me. The seeds of greatness and of healing and of hope have been planted in my heart and as I move on I know that I will be able to spread these seeds to others.

A new season has begun. I sensed its arrival. I knew it was about to come. I knew that life would not be the same. But when it really happened today, it hit me as if by surprise. Oh! I didn't know this was coming. I didn't even get tears in my eyes until about one mile from the airport. Somehow, I hadn't informed myself that Jilli was leaving. The packing, the graduation, the last minute trip to campus last night slipped right past me.

I'm not sure if I am even convinced of my own journey out of Tulsa. I am pretty sure that it is true, but I am also afraid. I keep telling God this, continually hoping for reassurance that I am doing the right thing. This is the first time I have ever made a life decision alone. My parents are not making the decision and there are no friends to make plans and go with me.

What am I leaving behind? What am I walking towards? These are the questions that lay upon my heart. God help me to weigh both in the balances and help me to be sure.

Following directions...
Found this in Bethany's Journal...try it and leave a comment with your sentence.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth full sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around for the coolest book you can find. Use what's actually nearest to you.

This shall be your land with its surrounding boundaries.
Numbers 34:12

I ran across this quote tonight on a friend's away message:

then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-anais nin

For quite some time now, I have been painfully aware that home is not what it used to be. The location has changed, the childhood securities remain only in my memory, and the people I love have grown and moved on with their lives. Nothing is the same. But I long for it as if it was only down the street or around the corner from where I am living now.

It seems that I have almost forgotten that I am allowed to be home. I have lived in transition for quite a few years and have found myself displaced from a real house and a real family. I have forgotten what it is like to live near family, to have four walls to call my own, and to be in a place where I truly belong and am certain that I want to pour my heart and life into. I have forgotten that such things exist and that they are not just for people I know, but for me too.

There is a line from a movie (that I cannot remember the name of at this moment) that continues to play over and over in my head. It is spoken by a character who is talking about returning home, "only to no home I'd ever been". This plays constantly in my head, and I mull it over thinking...what does it really mean?

I keep asking where my home is. Is it here? Is it there? Is it in a place that I have not yet been to? And from a Christian viewpoint, we should all know the answer...our ultimate home is with God. If we are longing for home, it is because we were created to be at home with Him. I know that. But even though I totally look forward to the wonder of Heaven, right here and right now, I am saying, "God WHERE do I belong?"

And so, quietly, I have been searching my heart for what is truly important. And what I have discovered is that the most important thing to me is relationships. At this point in my life, I have the opportunity to transplant myself and pursue relationships anywhere I so desire. Not ties, no strings attached. And so I have done an inventory of my relationships...here in Tulsa, back in NY, around the United States. And even though all are important to me, and even though I love each person for who they are and have been in my life, I have come to the conclusion that God has given me my family for a reason and I need to be with them the most.

Tonight, I have decided to return home. Home is where my family is. It is not a location, it is not a house, it is not a job. Home is the containment of the people I love, and that is exactly where I want to be...with them.

It is time to spread my wings and to trust God once again.

Where I live from the bird's eye view of the 60th Floor of the City of Faith. 

Hooding with my roomie. I'm sooo proud. :) 

Graduation Day - Finding your friends in the crowd is almost like searching through an I-Spy book.

Graduation weekend is upon us....that means one roomate down, two more to go. :( And this is only one small corner of our apartment!

I took these a couple days ago right before a thunderstorm. 

Okay, cloud pictures may be a bit boring, but when I really figure out this camera, I might be able to better capture how beautiful these storm clouds are. I mean they are incredible this time of year! These are not tornado clouds...I asked just to make sure...as I always do when a storm is brewing. If I do happen upon scary tornado clouds in rotation(but let's hope that I don't) I'll pass the proof along to those of you who do not live in these parts. :)

"if I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" since "creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists"

C.S. Lewis ~ Mere Christianity

My heart is overwhelmed with desire. A desire to be home. A desire to truly love and to be loved. A desire to walk in peace and to know that my life serves a purpose. And it must be true that such things exist. God help me to see your goodness and to wait for You. Help me to walk away from those things that only speak but never fulfill.

I need a hug....

a great big, reasurring, I really mean it, all is well type of hug.

Embarassing moment of the day: "So this teacher walked into a bar"....a monkey bar that is. I walked right into the monkey bars this afternoon...full force and hard enough to knock me to the ground. :P And since teachers don't usually cry on the playground, I held my own. But now I have this incredibly large bump on my forehead, and I kind of wish I could use it as an excuse for an extra day off. Surprisingly, none of my kids saw and neither did any other teachers. The moment was all my own. Kind of hard to miss a teacher with two foreheads though.... :(

Mom sent me a fork in the mail. Here's the story behind this random incident...

Keep Your Fork

I love these good old fashioned reminders. :)

Quotes of the day

"Miss T., does this guy have his license? I keep bumping my head!"

~K.C. (riding in the front seat of the bus enroute to our field trip destination)

"Let's keep moving. We're on a tight schedule."

~K.W. (line leader of the day)

"Miss T., I love you!"

~K.C. (randomly throughout our field trip today...this kid sure knows how to make a teacher smile)

Maybe you had to be there, but I think I have the cutest kids when it comes to one liners. I wish I could remember everything these kindergarteners say. :)

Erin, Jilli, and me playing with my new camera. :) Soon, we will all be living in different states.

Yesterday, I was reminded of the fact that God sees our hearts and knows even our unspoken requests. I randomly ended up at Starbucks last night with my roomate before she went to her class. As I was sitting and looking out the window I realized that my friend A., who I have not seen in a year, was walking in the door. She was another friend who had attended the church that I left last summer. We had both lost touch and I truly thought I would never see her again. A. is never on this side of town and had stopped in to see a friend on his shift. After my roomate left, we ended up spending the rest of the evening catching up with each other. It was as if no time had passed at all. She too is moving on with her life...in two short weeks she will moving out of state. It was comforting to hear of her new opportunities and to help her pack up a bit. It was like God knew just how much I longed to see her, and he made sure it happened even without our planning it. What a set up. :)

Speaking of friends, I had an incredible time this past Saturday catching up with some old friends from the Cracker Barrel days. J. just returned from Iraq and invited me out for a BBQ. I was a little leary of any drama that might take place between a few of us and almost didn't go. But instead of drama the peace of God was evident. This post could be an add-on to the bonfire post a couple of weeks ago...same kind of thing. Relationships are precious, a necessity for sharing the love of Christ with those around us. I caught up with C. who is about to head back to the west coast. I played my guitar with J.'s roomie. I hugged and chatted with P.'s new girlfriend...lol...much better than I had hoped for. :) All night long, I kept thinking...heaven must be a bit like this. There was a peace that pervaded us that night. My heart just loved the people around me as we shared about our lives and ate steak off the grill. I didn't want the evening to end.

Although my last post spoke of disappointment I have to admit that truly God has blessed my relationships. I look forward to the future as this season ends and a new one begins. There is a newfound freedom in my life. I can live freely before God and still love people where they are. At the same time, I can love people where they are and still live freely before God.

"How many an artist has been crushed in a family that prefers a 'rational' approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our early world saw our glory and affirmed it?...These blows aren't random or incidental. They strike directly at some part of the heart, turn the very thing God created to be a source of celebration into a source of shame. And so you can at least begin to discover your glory by looking more closely at what you were shamed for. Look at what's been assaulted, used, abused.

As Bernard of Clairvaux declared, 'Throught the heart's wound, I see its secret.'"

~John Eldredge - Waking The Dead~

Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.

Psalms 34:5

Well, they made it. After three days of traveling Mom, Dad, and all the animals have come to their destination. I felt such a peace when they called tonight. They are where they should be.

And me? :) Well, let's just say that I am beginning to listen more and plan less....if that makes any sense at all. My own plans are beginning to rearrange and the possibilities are way more exciting. More to come...

This Jars of Clay song has been stuck in my head all weekend! Have a listen, the whole album plays through on the website. God Will Lift Up Your Head

In other news, I attended a bonfire last night and found myself right smack in the middle of a redneck country music video...complete with a four-wheeler, a go-cart, a karaoke machine on the back of a minivan attached to oversized speakers set out on the grass, coolers full of beer, a wet bar on the back of a truck bed, and girls and guys sportin' their straw hats. And although I know I don't necessarily fit in with that crowd of folks (I mean for real...I was holding a can of Coke), I loved being there. I love how real and raw people can be. It really got me to thinking about Jesus and how He lived His life among the people. He stood out too, but He found a way to connect. He was all about relationship. And He walked in such a way that He gained trust and was able to bring life to the people around Him.

With this fresh awareness, I agreed to make a Smore's run to Wal-Mart with A. Our conversation opened right up like it had been planned before we even got there. Working his way out of the Mormon church, A. is now experiencing life without rules and walls to keep him guarded. We talked about searching for God and about having faith without the religion. And for the first time ever, when asked about my own life, I was able to share without stumbling over Christian vocabulary. Our conversation was real and to the point and I could tell that it made a difference.

I hate what I have done in the past and the times that I have not truly sought after God. But last night, it was those times that brought a connection with A. Because he is at that point now. And I was able to tell him that even in the midst of our worst mistakes and wanderings, God is faithful. That truly God is bigger than our questions and every rule of religion that is created to make us conform. I was able to tell him that after he experiences everything he thinks he has missed, emptiness and a need for something greater will find its way to the surface of his heart. And that is truly what I believe. That is the way I came to God...not because someone told me that I needed Him, but because my heart cried out and He was the one who answered.

I knew that I could not change him. I knew that I could not make his heart long for God. I knew that all I could do was plant seeds on the fertile ground that had presented itself. Someday, when A. is ready, his heart will be drawn by the voice of the Holy Spirit and those seeds will break out of their shells and take root. And with time those seedlings will grow strong and tall and A. will be a well-watered tree in the Kingdom of God.

"Aaaaaahhh Tulsa is not that bad, really, is it? OK, maybe it is. But we need you and and your strong faith to make our lil' town a better place, which no doubt it already is because of you!"

I found out today that my blog is featured on TheTulsan! Wow, I am flattered. And to set the record straight, I do like Tulsa. It's just the letting go of NY part that makes me sad.

Thanks, Tim! :)

Lys

This is my sister. Hopefully she does not mind such a large portrait of herself on my blog, but I had to talk about her tonight.

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking with Lys and mentioned my sadness about leaving our piano behind in Rochester. I kind of joked around and asked her to make sure and play it a little bit since I could not come home and do so.

Today was moving day for the family. At the end of my school day here in Tulsa I checked my voicemail and was surprised to find a message from Lys. "Hi, April, the house is empty and I'm the last one here. I promised to play the piano for you one more time before we left, so here goes...." And though she has never been one to sit at the piano, she sat down today just for me. She played Happy Birthday and Joyful, Joyful We Adore Thee and in between she made sure that every key and every note was played over the phone line. I never expected her to remember my request or to even think about calling and playing over the phone. Of course, the tears came as I listened and realized that someone actually understood how it felt to miss home and how important it was to acknowledge such feelings.

Thank you, Lys. :) It meant so much that you would remember a seemingly small, but rather important piece of my heart. You are the best sister in the whole wide world. :)

Until today I had not even stopped to consider that Easter was upon us. In fact, being away from home and family seems to take away from my excitement about celebrating any of the holidays. But the truth is, Easter is not really about family. It is not about religious tradition. It is not about opening baskets with gifts or eating ham dinners.

Easter is about the fact that God loves me. He loves me so much that He did not stay where He was demanding that I find a way to Him. He came for me, pursued me, called me, waited for me, spoke to me, suffered for me, chose to die for me.

These are the thoughts that draw me close tonight.

My roomate and I drove past a local movie theatre tonight. In front of this particular theatre is a cross, two feet tall, adorned with flowers and a picture frame, and dedicated to the person who did not make it through the intersection. This person was my friend Chad.

Chad was bright eyed and full of life. The day I met him I knew he was special. I knew that God's hand was on his life. He was about 20 years old, loved people, loved his bike, and loved the girls. He often invited me to his parties and get togethers. I usually declined because of other plans or because of feeling uncomfortable about the people who would be there. He didn't seem to care though. He didn't play favorites. Everyone was accepted and okay in his book.

I prayed for Chad often. He was laid so deeply upon my heart during the year and a half that I worked with him. I do not remember if I ever spoke to him poignantly about God. But I always hoped that the words of encouragement and prayer that I offered brought life to him in some way.

One Sunday last October I received a phone call after returning from church. Chad had been in an accident and had not made it. According to my friend Paul he was already gone and was about to go through the process of organ donation. I couldn't believe it. I cried and cried, and then I turned to prayer.

I didn't know that he was only in a coma. I didn't know that there was still hope. (Paul had given me no hope.) God layed the story of Lazarus on my heart. As I prayed I kept thinking about Lazarus and Jesus' words to him as he came from the tomb. "Come forth." I kept praying these words over and over, compelled, but having no idea what was going on.

One week later I attended Chad's funeral. It was held in his school where he had attended K-12. This tiny Oklahoma town saw a melting pot of people who had been touched by Chad's life. Black, white, hispanic, rich, poor, children, adults, goths, gays, straights, you name it, they were there. It was at a pre-funeral lunch that I met Stephanie, another born again Christian who had also worked with Chad.

Stephanie had spent two days at the hospital while every effort was made to save Chad's life. She sat by his bedside and prayed. She told me that although he was in a coma his vitals would skyrocket whenever someone would enter the room. Because of this, she believed that he knew what was going on. Stephanie felt the urgency to share the gospel with Chad. She told him that God loved him. She told him what Christ had done for him on the cross. She told him how to be saved. And then she prayed with him to receive Christ. As Stephanie shared this with me at the funeral, I began to cry. I truly believe that Jesus came to Chad in his very last hour on earth. Though we could not see the evidence, we felt it in our hearts.

At the funeral, the tears began as I heard Chad's school principal share from the Bible. He spoke of the story of Lazarus. I remembered my prayers and what God had laid on my heart and I was comforted. Later on, all of us who knew him from work gathered at the Cracker Barrel for lunch. We ate and shared as a family. After quite a few people had left a chorus of women from the middle dining room began to sing a song. "We will meet again, don't know where, don't know when...but we will meet again, on a bright and sunny shore..." It was this whole song about meeting again in heaven someday. Stephanie asked if they knew we had all just come from a funeral. Of course, they didn't know...they had just come for some food and wanted to share a song with the restaurant. Again, we were comforted.

I share this story to say this....I am glad for the faithfulness of God.
God wants us so much that even at the last moments of our lives He will make a way for us to come to Him. He does not hold grudges. He does not make us wait until we get it right. He died knowing that because of his death, WE, who did not yet know God would be able to know Him. I think of the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to remember him. He did not have time to make his life right, he only had time to believe and reach out. And at the last minute, this man, being punished for terrible wrongs, was accepted into the kingdom of God.

Ask Ashley Smith or Brian Nichols about the mercy and the grace of God. Their second chances have been posted all over the news.

I will end tonight with these words spoken by Jesus:

I am the resurrection and the life.

He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live.

And whoever lives and believes in Me

shall never die.

~John 11:25,26~

It's 2:30 in the morning and can I sleep? No. The weirdest thing about this week of spring break has been the burst of energy I have felt. In addition to catching up with some very good friends of mine, I have cleaned, done laundry, paid bills, shopped for groceries, cooked dinners, shopped for clothes, done my taxes, set up doctor's appointments, bought new glasses, bought a filing cabinet and organized all of my files. I still plan on shopping some more as well as opening up a new bank account and getting pre-qualified for a mortgage. I mean the list goes on. All of these things have been piling up on my to-do list and now I am SO excited to get to do them.

My roomate keeps giving me weird looks and asking if I am okay. Ha! She's not used to such productiveness on this side of the apartment. Truly this is the best I have felt in awhile. I haven't thought about my job at all....although....I do have some planning to do. Really and truly I could go on like this for weeks.

Here was my thought the other day as I was driving around doing errands and thinking about all of this productivity. I am almost convinced that I will stay in Tulsa after this school year. It's as if the decision has already been made and I am beginning to go through a "settling in" phase. I'm not saying this out loud yet though. This blog is as loud as it gets until I can manage to hear my own voice admitting my residence in Oklahoma.

I had lunch with my supervising professor a few days ago. She took me out to help me solve some classroom difficulties I had faced within my first year. She is the kind of teacher that pushes you to be the best. She held me to high standards (and put the fear of God in me) and at the same time gave so much grace that it was truly hard to fail. During our lunch together, not only did she encourage me, but I was able to give encouragement to her. I was not just her student anymore, I was her fellow teacher. Boy that felt good. I felt as if I had taken the rite of passage into my career. As we parted she said, "now, April, I want to be able to send student teachers to you three years from now." It made me want to stay all the more, just because I knew there was someone who believed in me to do my job and to do it well enough to teach others.

UPDATE
Mom and Dad and Lys have found their house in Jacksonville, FL. To you Rochestarians who know my family...I would love it and I know they would too if you would consider stopping in to encourage them as they leave.

My roomates, all three of them, are gone for spring break. Guess who's left with the messy apartment? I have been cleaning since 9 o'clock this morning! How does a small apartment fall to pieces so quickly?! Of course, it seems that ninety percent of the clean up pertains to my inability to put things away. Small piles are so nice to come back to though. :) My lunch break is over. I'm trying to get everything done before I head out to see my adopted family. We're barbequing to celebrate this delighfully warm weather.

To everything there is a season.

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time of war, and a time of peace.

...He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity in our hearts though we can never know what He has done from beginning to end.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11

Okay, maybe it's not so bad after all. :) 

Florida

Kinda looks like a postcard for Footprints in the Sand...

The rest of the story...

I left Rochester, New York on January 5, 2001 to attend Oral Robert's University. I went with a full heart and all the excitement one could muster for the college experience far away from home. Within my first couple of weeks at ORU I said, "Well, Tulsa is a nice place but I don't think I'd ever want to live here permanently." I assumed that I was only here for a "visit" while I attended college.

I have now been in Oklahoma going on five years. When asked where I am from, I still respond, "Upstate NY". Even my license plates carry the evidence of a far away state called home. I cannot bring myself to trading those things in.

I never meant to leave NY for good. I always thought I'd go back. And, then, without warning I began to consider the fact that I may never go back again. I think almost everyone has this dilema at some point. Do I return home or do I make my life in a new place? So, for quite some time, I have battled with this very question. Where is home? Here or there? And when is the right time to make such a decision?

One month ago, I began to long for NY again. I wanted to see the lakes and the hills and the green (well, you know underneath all that snow). I wanted to be with my friends whom I love so dearly. I wanted to be near my family, go into business with Jenna, drink coffee with Wes and the whole Starbucks gang, line dance with Beth, talk to Wen in person, walk the Charlotte pier, and most importantly see my friends start their families and hold their little babies. I was on the verge of "coming home". And then, the unthinkable happened....home moved.

What?

How can I go "home" if my own family is not there?

It's like God knew, so long ago, that one day I would not belong in Rochester, NY anymore. He didn't tell me. He kept it a secret. On the day I left for college I did not know that some of my friends then would not be my friends now. I did not know that my parents would leave their jobs and pick up for a brand new start thousands of miles away. I did not know that I would stay in Tulsa, Oklahoma to teach five and six year old children who were only infants at the time of my arrival. I did not know that "home" would become a visiting place.

This is only the beginning of my letting go. This is only the beginning of my search to find a place of my own, a new place to call home. I have always moved because my parents moved. I have always struggled because I did not think the moving was fair. But not this time. This time, God pointed to a place called Tulsa, OK and I went. I moved on without even knowing the fullness of God's plan. I'm on my own with no one else but God to ask for directions, with no one else to cry to when I think the circumstances are unfair. And now that I know, I am asking again...God, where do we go from here?

I went away to college planning to return, but I never returned.

God had a different plan.

So that is the rest of the story...for now.

K.'s sense of humor always brightens my day. This afternoon the school counselor came in to talk with the kids about manners and good character. Somehow, the whole group ended up talking about water beds.

K. raised his hand.
"Umm..yeah, I have a water bed."

School Counselor -
"Don't you mean your mom and dad have a water bed? Waterbeds are for big people aren't they?"

K. -
"No, we all sleep in it."

School Counselor -
"How many people sleep in your bed at night?" (looking all too concerned)

K-"Umm..5...my whole family sleeps together. My mom and dad and me and my two sisters."

I had to laugh. The school counselor, also a first year rookie, looked as if she actually believed K.'s off the wall story. I could see her mulling over the situation. If I didn't know K. so well, I would have believed his story too. He spoke with such assurance as if he had told the story many times before. K. was obviously amused, it broke up the monotony of his afternoon. And after a long, hard day with the kiddos, it broke up the monotony for me too.

Quote of the day:
"Miss Trusievitz, I just bellowed through the door!"
"hmmm"...I said to my kindergartner..."do you mean elbowed?"

Updates:

My brother's back from the field. He is now, officially, a Green Beret. I'm so proud of him. :)

Mom and dad are looking to be out of NY by the end of this month. That's right folks, mark your calendars. I will be home (if I can find a plane ticket!!!!!) somewhere between the 18th and the 22nd to help them pack up and say goodbye. I will then return to NY at the beginning of July for a Rochester wedding. Umm...I'm starting to tear up already. I'm going to miss coming home to you Rochestarians. You have given me so much love and encouragement and friendship. You are precious to me. No other group of friend has yet to come close to you all.

Good choice Jen.

How many times have I said yes in order to make someone else feel better? How many times have I compromised because I felt pressured to decide right then and there? As I ponder these questions I know the answer already....too many times.

The season of The Bachelorette has finally come to a close. Despite hating it's formula for finding love, I have to admit that I hardly missed an episode.

Aren't we are all looking for extraordinary romance, for something that sets our relationship apart from all the others? Aren't we are all looking for that once in a lifetime, "I saw him/her and I knew right away" kind of feeling. I know I am. That is why I cannot blame the people who take chances on reality tv shows like these.

They looked so good. They said the right words. They spent incredible time together. They met each other's families. In all "reality" the cards were stacked in their favor. Right? Hmm.

I sit on my comfy chair and judge the people who reveal their lives on a stage. Why in the world...? How...? Are you kidding me?

I can honestly say that I identify with Jen though. I cannot count the number of times I have said to my mother, "he has this quality", or "he has that quality", or "gosh, he might be...", or "there was just something missing." Granted, I did not do this in front of cameras...personally, I find that embarrassing. I think Jen needed both more time and more privacy. However, I saw that her heart was searching.

Here she was, men falling at her feet, and she could not even choose one of them. It tells me this...she knows that there is more. She knows that somewhere out there is the answer to question she is asking. And as confused as she may be right now, I think she made the right choice. Good girl for standing in front of everyone and saying, "I will not compromise."

Love to fill a marriage may not be found in a six week season of prime time television. But there are pieces if you look close enough. I am proud of you, Jen, for loving yourself and for loving those around you enough to follow your heart.

Lord, help me to do the same.

I love 3 day weekends.

Jilli and I went to Dallas this past weekend for some good shopping. On the way home, late saturday night, we took bets on our time of arrival. (The loser had to feed the fish..big risk). Turns out both of us were wrong, we didn't count on arriving at the scene of an accident.

We could hardly see the large tree branches covering both lanes of the dark country road. But as an suv turned around on the other side of the road we noticed the branches as well as a security car that had run head on into a tree. The suv disappeared down the road. But the security car's lights were off and we weren't sure whether it had been there for awhile or whether the accident had just happened. Within seconds, another man came walking across the road from his home. He said that he had heard the accident 15 minutes before. He asked for our cell phone and dialed 911. He looked into the security car and confirmed that, yes, there was someone inside. Jilli and I got out of the car, climbed over the wall of fallen branches, and made our way to the car. I didn't dare look inside. All I could do was just pray under my breath and wait for the emergency vehicles to arrive. We were told by the dispatcher not to take anyone out. In the two minutes that we waited two more cars almost ran into the barricade of trees. We made the second one back up and put on their hazards to prevent any further accidents.

We helped the policemen clear some of the branches. As we did, the firemen pulled the security guard from his car. From where I stood about fifty feet away I couldn't tell if the man was still alive or not. He was large and stereotypical looking for his profession. His face was the whitest I have ever seen. I just stood there and thought about how silent everything had been since our arrival. The firemen performed cpr, hooked him up to a machine, but after a couple of minutes walked away to take care of other business. A simple no from the police officer confirmed what I already had guessed. The security guard did not survive his early morning accident.

If we had arrived any earlier, it could have been us. It was the suv and the reflection of the security car that warned us to stop in front of the fallen trees. Earlier in the evening, Jilli and I had already been talking about God working all things together for our good. We had gotten lost for an hour in Dallas before we came home. We had stopped quite a few times for bathroom breaks along highway 75. At the last stop I went in alone to buy a Frappucino and some Reisons. The woman at the counter asked me to stay a couple of extra minutes to find out if her credit card machine was up and running again. I agreed. After getting back into the car I joked with Jilli that we had stopped for a "reason" (ie..the candy). Little did we know that God really was ordering our steps all the way home.

It's funny...every day we make choices that seem to make little difference. It's easy to forget that the seemingly insignificant choices and moments may be keeping us from or leading us toward more significant moments. It's easy to forget that God is sovereign. He is always protecting us, always ordering our lives.

I will end my long monday morning entry with this thought...Yesterday at church, my pastor shared this word..."You may feel as if your life is scattered, but know this, God is strategically placing you in the place that you need to be." Words of life that I needed to hear. Words to sum up the events of this past weekend. It is good to be reminded that every moment of every day He is working on our behalf.

What is your purpose in life?

And before you give the expected Christian-e answer, stop and really consider the question.
It's a given:
We are ALL here on earth to know Christ.
We are ALL here to bring glory to God.
We are ALL here to fulfill the great commission.

But why is each one of us here specifically?
Why did God plan for YOU before the creation of the world?
What is significant about YOU?

What is in your heart?
What makes you feel most alive?
When do you feel that you are closest to God?

As I considered this tonight, I thought of the examples of others who have fulfilled their purposes here on this earth. Abraham Lincoln, expanded the definitions and perceptions of freedom. Mother Teresa placed worth on the lives of those who felt none. Oprah Winfrey brings opportunity, insight, and resources to those who otherwise might not have it. I could go on and on. There is a common thread here though and that is that freedom has come to others through the lives of these people...freedom to live without oppression, freedom to realize dreams, freedom to move beyond despair, freedom to KNOW God.

Because isn't that what God has intended for us all along?

So let's rephrase the question? How does your life bring freedom to others?
Better yet, how does the life of God flow through you and in turn bring life to others?

What makes a place feel like home? Can a classroom feel like home? Should a classroom feel like home? I contemplated these questions as I watched the sun rays fall through the window of my classroom. My favorite time of day is the quiet of the afternoon after the kids have all gone home. All of a sudden, there is quiet and peace and time to think.

The sun rays reminded me of home. I thought to myself, if I were the mother of these children what would I want for them? Number one, I would want them to feel at home. Number two, I would want them to be safe. Number three, I would want them to be motivated to learn. Number four, I would want them to have great resources for their learning.

So I asked myself, am I giving these things to my students? For the most part, I think so. But being a first year teacher it seems as if I stumble over good practices rather than plan them ahead of time.

It's not that school is supposed to be a picture of home. It's a place of learning. But at the same time, kindergarten is an important place to learn about relationships, community, problem-solving. It is a transition from home to the outside world.

What makes a good home? What makes a good classroom? Here is my starting list of the similarities.

1. prayer (granted I cannot lead them in prayer, but I can pray for them)
2. laughter
3. time to listen to one another
4. an atmosphere of understanding
5. family members/friends
6. a safe place to cry
7. a safe place to learn right from wrong
8. a safe place to explore new ideas
9. a place of provision, where needs are taken care of
10. a place where a person is encouraged to grow

Every day, this is the list that runs through my head. And I fail each time. But I'm learning the balance, and I'm learning how to listen, how to respond, how to deal with each child individually and according to their needs.

God has a hard job. I only have nineteen kids. And the more I work with them, the more I realize how individual they are. Each one has a unique approach to life. Each one learns differently, is motivated differently, responds differently to their environment. Each one needs time each day to be loved and encouraged.

I don't know how, God, but show me how. I can't stand the thought of failing these kids.

It's 12:30am and I can't resist saying something about the holiday that is upon us before I head to bed. I am not heartbroken this year that I do not have a valentine. In fact, I feel indifferent towards this day of love. Instead of romance and butterflies, I feel this huge void, a void that I was made aware of when S. left and then again when things fell apart with C. My idea of love has been a huge disappointment. It has not worked out as I had planned or as I had hoped. Those that I have loved or adored or held close have walked away or disappeared. And all of sudden my full plate looks empty, devoid of the pleasures I longed to taste. There are moments recently when the full weight of the void hits me. The message comes through as I find myself longing for someone or something. The void takes on faces and names. But I am becoming aware that the void cannot be filled by those someones or somethings. The truth is, I was created to be filled with the life and the love of God. He is the only perfect fit, the only fulfiller of dreams and desires. But I have no idea how this works. I have no idea how to let God love me in a real way. All I have is head knowledge, all I have are the testimonials of others, all I have is the faith that says, "it can happen, I hope it happens to me". What I truly desire is a recharging of the heart. I desire life to come back. With everything in me, I just want to know that I am for real and that God is pleased with me.

Fill my heart again
with the rains
with the sun
You know my shape,
my form
Awaken my desire and
show me Your love

Finally, the end of a long week....Valentines Day comes next week, which means sugar highs for at least two to three days following. After this past week, I think I can handle it. :) The kids are so cute with their excitement about the upcoming holiday. I'm working up the excitement. :) Not too much action for the teacher this year.

I learned a valuable lesson today. Lack of sleep equals low supply of patience while interacting with kindergartners. I used to be able to handle five to six hours of sleep at night. I used to be able to roll out of bed without too much of a problem and handle the day's activities. Not anymore. This morning I saw a marked difference in my tolerance and multi-tasking levels. Something about three five year olds pushing for my attention at the same time, while I am helping another to understand his work, while the phone is ringing, while another student is crying. Yeah, not so good for a sleep deprived teacher. So here I am....signing off at approximately 10:40pm...which after reading for a bit puts me to sleep at about 11:30 pm. That's one hour extra tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow we can fit another one in there. Looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. :)

The soldiers are home!

"when we will look back on these times, we will realize with the deepest of convictions that this was the moment simple existence ended... we woke up,and began to truly live life."

Pip

To Pip: You have summed up the hearts of so many around you. When I read your blog tonight my heart said "yes" and I smiled. Somewhere, in the midst of our brokeness and our searching, we are learning to live.

This morning I woke up and thought about my friend L. I have known L. since the beginning of my stay here in Tulsa. I met her in the room across from mine my first semester at college and soon afterwards she invited me to TPH. My first visit to TPH was refreshing and held reminders of home. That is why I stayed at this church for three and a half years. During that time L. and I became good friends. She brought with her laughter, deep thought, and soul searching creativity. L. was also the lead singer of a band. They were local but I knew they could go places far beyond T-town. If I had had the resources to invest in them, I would have sent them to wherever they needed to go. If I had known the ins and outs of music business I would have helped them through the red tape maze. With all my heart I believed in their message. They could play in any club or bar and bring people to their knees. When L. sang, she grabbed the attention of dark corners and hardened hearts. Her voice carried beyond church walls to a place that spoke of knowing God and being known by Him.

Some of my favorite moments with L. were the moments when we were singing. About a year into TPH I joined the worship team alongside her. At first, I was intimidated by the thought of my voice comparing to hers. The fear was shortlived, however. L. was not the intimidating type.

After three and half years at TPH, I decided that it was time for me to go. God had been speaking long before that, but it took awhile to actually realize it was Him and then to be obedient. I hated leaving without giving an explanation to the others in the congregation, especially L. I wanted to tell her the circumstances. I wanted to make her understand, but I knew it was not my place.

There had been a dark cloud over me at TPH. Staying had hindered my growth in so many ways. As I pondered all of this my heart broke for L. I would see her every so often at the coffeehouse where she worked close to my apartment. Our conversations were brief and almost always interuppted. I wanted so badly to tell her what I was going through. I saw her going through the same thing. Her band had died, her art was fading, she talked about feeling confused and lost. But how could I convince her to leave? I decided to continue to pray and leave it up to the Lord to lead her out. And then she left for another job location and I thought, "Well, I won't see her again for awhile."

As I got ready for church I thought about writing to L. or giving her a call. Was it worth it? Should I just let it go and move on? In the rush of the morning, I pushed the debate from my mind and headed out. My roomate and I arrived fifteen minutes late and sat in the back row. The service was good and being the first Sunday of February we shared communion after the sermon. I watched row after row file out ahead of ours to receive the elements. And that's when I saw her, L. was returning to her seat.

My eyes filled with tears. I watched as the worship service ended. I watched as the people around L. headed out the door. And then I walked to her seat and put my arm around her. It was a moment I have rarely tasted, the kind that you hope for but wait what seems like a lifetime to actually see, a moment of friends finding each other on the other side a long, hard season. There were tears in both of our eyes. L. told me that she had left TPH. She spoke some of the same words that I had spoken seven short months ago...words of uncertainty and regret, words of hope, determination, and newfound wisdom.

There are over 1,000 churches in T-town. And today L. and I ended up at the same one. I asked her about her music and she told me that she had begun to sing again. She told me that she was waking up in a world where she was free to follow her heart and free to hear the voice of God for herself. She was waking up and the cloud that had hovered for so long had begun to lift.

The evidence of God's faithfulness is everywhere. Every sunrise, every season, every rainstorm is a reminder of His commitment to our lives. Today, it was good to see Him again. And the funny thing is, I knew this day would come but I didn't know that I would see it with my own eyes. I am so thankful right now. God knows the deep cries in my heart and He is answering them. This helps me to wait as I hope to see the salvation of those I have been praying for for so long. It helps me to wait as I search for a place to settle and as I wait for my family to be settled. It helps me to wait, knowing that one day I will wake up, be on my way, and suddenly I will see the man that God has planned to bring across my path for so long.

You help me to wait, Lord, and you renew my strength.

I sat at Camille's with my roomate tonight and discussed life decisions...yet again. The future seems to be our main topic of conversation as of late. Where should we go? What do we really want to do? Who do we really want to be near? Clues are beginning to filter in. Small traces of direction seep into our conversations, leaving me to contemplate our words long after. I told her that I am almost tired of this trying to figure things out. I find it exhausting, overwhelming, two-sided. I just wish the answers would finally come. But I also realize that the process of this search is causing my heart to be mended and reshaped. It is causing me to draw closer to God and question the deeper things that are going on. That's more important than any change in circumstances.

It all comes down to this. Yes, there are specific geographic places that I am weighing against one another. But these specific places are not what I am looking for; it is what lies within these places. What I really desire are meaningful relationships, belonging to a community of believers, fulfilling my purpose in whatever capacity that may be. In all reality, these could be found in any small corner of the world. And to tell you the truth, I don't really care where it is. I just want it to be somewhere and I don't want to miss out on it.

Email of the day:

Hey this a quick e-mail to say the next time i talk to ya i'll be in the U.S.A.
So don't reply to this e-mail. I'll be looking forward to seeing everyone as
soon as possible.
Joe

Joe has been in Iraq for a year. He's finally coming home...safe and sound. This good news has been a long time coming. God is faithful.

ps- I now have a two-stepping dance partner! Yeah! :)

"Without a purpose our only motivation is reward and punishment."

How do you help a kindergartner find their purpose?

I reflected on this last night as I sat in class. I saw the faces of my kindergarten students. I heard the words that I have spoken as I have taught them. Dr. M., my university professor, often warned of using behaviorism. Even now, when she comes for observations, she points out that students must be inwardly motivated to do the right thing. Little by little, I am seeing her point. I HATE being a mean teacher. But what I hate even more is allowing chaos in my classroom. The result? Classroom discipline. The obvious choice to most teachers is some kind of reward and punishment system. Dr. M., so far, has looked down at my attempts. With nineteen five and six year olds bouncing off the walls time does not always allow for pulling a student aside to discuss behavior. What I want is for them to be self-controlled and kind to one another without having to be reminded. I forget sometimes that they are in my classroom to learn these skills. So how do I unlock the internal motivators? If I can figure this out, it might be life changing to teach children without holding punishments or rewards over their head every second of the day.

Sold

Well, it's pretty much official. The papers were signed this evening. Not sure where the family is heading now. We are all still praying for direction. To those of you back home...I would love your prayer support for the fam. I was remembering the good times in this house with mom tonight. I was remembering the gatherings during the good old MCC and BASIC days. Boy, we had fun. Walks to Charlotte Beach, cookouts, pool parties, nights we just sat in the garage and worshiped, enjoying the backyard swing. This was a good place to be.

The worst part of leaving this house will be leaving the piano. I had told God before we moved to Rochester that I really wanted a piano in the house. And for real, folks, it came with this house and it brought music into our family. My dad would sit for the longest time and just play. Even as he played, single note by single note, peace would drift through the house. And I would play and I would feel as if I was pouring my heart out on those keys. I cannot even begin to explain the ministry of this piano...or rather the ministry of God through it. I miss the piano already. It is the only thing, so far, that I have shed tears over as my parents talk about moving.

John with Iraqi National Guard

My friend John sent this picture to me today along with his experience of the elections while serving in Iraq.

"The whole experience was nice. We guarded the camp and had six hour shifts apiece. Luckily I got the 12:00pm to 6:00pm! Not a whole lot happened. Well, I say not a whole lot but we recieved some rockets that about gave me a heart attack. I was on duty and we got hit and then I heard another rocket coming in and it sounded like it was headed straight for me. Talk about your close calls. Luckily no one was hurt! We also had a few dud rockets that came in. I was laying in bed and we had all the lights out. I saw two flares and it looked like they were moving and come towards us and then I heard another rocket. I thought we were done for but I guess itwas a dud also. I thought I had been nervous before but nothing like those twoincidents. For the most part the election went well. There were very fewattacks and that says something for the security of the country! It may not be all that secure but we have definetly made progress and that's all that can be asked."

Every time I look at this picture it is like looking at the face of a newborn. I feel hope and concern and joy all at the same time. Our generation has been fighting for the freedom of these men and the country they represent and now defend. Our men and women have died so that these men would have the chance to live. Courage and Bravery. I am challenged as I live among those who would lay down their lives for a cause that is bigger than their own understanding. I am humbled, knowing that my own brother and friends walk the line between life and death in order to preserve this freedom. God has placed freedom in our hearts. He has given it to us in order that we may choose Him without reservation. And we must, in turn, share the gift we have been given.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I will praise the Lord all my life;

I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not put your trust in princes,

in mortal men, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them--

the Lord, who remains faithful forever.

He upholds the cause of the oppressed

and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free,

the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

the Lord loves the righteous.

The Lord watches over the alien

and sustains the fatherless and the widow,

but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever,

Your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the Lord.

I am glad that God is faithful, even when we are faithless. I am glad that He remembers, even when we forget. I am glad that God loves us, even when we do not understand His love. I am glad. I'm going to try to remember His goodness in the middle of the school day, when the kids are less than perfect and wearing on my last bit of patience. I'm going to try to remember the ways in which He draws me out, so that somehow I can pull them into this thing called learning. I'm going to try to remember above all to encourage them and smile at them and value their perspectives. Lord show me how to teach them better.