The house with a broken heart...

That is what we now call my childhood home. It belonged to my great grandfather who raised my dad's dad along with 10 other brothers and sisters. It was a farmhouse that witnessed Polish dances, weddings, funerals, many parties, games of checkers, Saturday nights of Hee-Haw, and endless hours of rocking on the front of porch. The porch is gone now, along with the outhouse which remained until we moved in fourteen years ago and added indoor plumbing. My father's dream was to renovate his grandfather's old, broken down farmhouse. So, that is exactly what we did, for seven years. Sitting on almost 200 acres of land, it was the home that inspired the imaginations of three young children. In my mind, it is the home that I go back to over and over and over again. It is the place where I run through fields and wade through creeks, the home where I lay in the long grass and watch clouds drift over me. It is the home where my brother and I chase each other through corn fields and fly over snow-covered banks in our tobaggan. It is a million memories that have only emotions attached, memories that I could not explain, except to say that they shaped who I am today. We were the last to live in this old house. We were the last to enjoy the comforts of its four walls. It is now sunken off of its foundation. My own bedroom has a skylight where large tree branches have fallen through. The windows are broken; vines cover the siding. There is no longer a porch and the yard is more like an overgrown field. This "farm" was once so prominent that the whole hill was named after our family name. It is now forgotten, grown over, old, broken.

I was there today. My sister and I walked the old paths with insects flying around our heads and prickers stabbing through our jeans. The creek still runs beneath the ground, evident by our mud soaked sneakers. A sign of life.

Another sign of life...roses blooming where they have been blooming for a hundred years. They have not given up. Even when my aunt transplanted a few pieces to where she lives, hours away, they surprisingly revived and began to bloom again.

Bittersweet. This place, a conduit of life in my childhood, is now dying. No matter how I feel, I cannot revive it. I cannot go back and repair the damage. My place is not there anymore. The only thing left for this house is to fall in. The only thing left for the land is to continue on its own. The only thing left for me is the memory.

I feel as if I left with a broken heart. And when I look at the rest of my family, my grandfather, my aunts and uncles, my parents, my siblings, I see that in a way all of our hearts have been broken. It wasn't the house itself, no. The house only symbolizes the heart of our family. It is a mystery to me, where the broken heart began, and even more so how it has spread to the members of our family tree.

Lord, you are close to those who are brokenhearted. Restore us once again. Restore the joy of our salvation, and renew a right spirit within us.

Dear "Anonymous",

I just read your recently posted comment to my blog. You pose a good question. Truth is, I think I probably look a lot to the people around me for affirmation. I have this desire way down deep inside of me to be seen in a good light. I mean, don't we all? I have probably let that desire override a good portion of my life decisions. How does one get out of that cycle? I am finding myself in the midst of a lot of unpopular decisions this year. These unpopular decisions are the dividing line between continued and discontinued friendships. I believe, in some way, that the cycle is being broken. The question remains, however, what is my heart really saying? I have spent too many moments worrying about the hearts of others, and not enough listening to the cries of my own. I have doubted that anything in my heart is right and good. I have forgotten that I have the ability to hear even God's voice speaking to my heart.

So thank you for the pointed question and the reminder. My eyes are on the Lord. He alone is my help and my salvation.

Well, after a long drive I have made it home again. All of my thinking, all of my mulling things over, all of my crying, and all of my pleading with the Lord has come to a complete halt. For this week, while I am here, the Lord has instructed me only to "listen". Whenever I try to figure out the road ahead, I am faced with this clear direction..."listen". Whenever I begin to think about circumstances that I feel need my attention, all I hear is "listen". So I am listening. And I think that for the first time, in a long time, I am hearing the clear voice of God. Tangible directions have not been given yet. I still do not know about jobs, or placement, or relationships, or anything. But now, after so long, the peace of God is loud and clear. And the peace of God, surpasses my understanding in these moments of uncertainty.

Silence is the sound of the evening. I walked into my apartment after a night of work and all I could hear were my footsteps inside the door. I love this sound. It means that I can rest. I leave for NY the day after tomorrow. My sister is graduating from high school. Amazing how time flies. I am wishing that I did not have to go alone. I am wishing that I had someone along for the ride. Ah, well, like I said, silence can be a wonderful thing. I'll have time to think about him, and about leaving, and about where God is taking me in this new season. I'll have time to pray, and to sing, and to cry. I look forward to the possibilities of running into new people. I look forward to seeing the familiar places that settle my heart after long absences away. I'll probably go visit my grandfather's grave; probably go visit the old farmhouse where I grew up. Then, perhaps I'll think about going to see his parents, but I won't, because I am sure that staying away is better. I promised him I would do so. But I'll think about it, nonetheless. I also thought about checking to see if there were openings in the small school where I grew up. I have always prayed for that community and have wondered if I would end up back there. Do I really want that yet? I don't know. Like I said, I'll be praying along the way.

I also went out with Paul after work tonight. We have reached a one year milestone in our friendship. It wasn't until tonight that I realized how comfortable I am with him. I feel guilty a lot of the time for not giving in to the desire that I see on his face. He takes me out, calls me on the phone, genuinely cares about the happenings in my life. I feel as if I have done nothing to bless him in return. All I have is me; all I have is my friendship. I can't make my heart feel more. So, I always pray for God to richly bless his life, for blessing mine so abundantly.

Tonight, I'll end with Psalm 143:3-8

For the enemy has persecuted my soul;
He has crushed my life to the ground;
He has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead.
Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;
My heart within me is distressed.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all Your works;
I muse on the work of Your hands.
I spread out my hands to You;
My soul longs for You like a thirsty land. Selah
Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning,
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.

"You are so...grown up"

Please remind me never to consider dating someone three years younger. Although the night was incredibly interesting and the conversation good, I couldn't help but think I was out of my league. Granted, he had pushed for the date, he had made the calls, but I in turn agreed. It was his music that caught my attention. He plays in a blue grass band. He loves the same band that I do..Nickel Creek. He even took me to his house and played the Harry Dulcimer, the most beautiful, life-filled notes I have heard in a long time. And if that wasn't enough, we rode around in his Jeep at sunset, with the top down and the doors off. He lives in what I like to call Thomas Kinkadeville (picture perfect homes, with picture perfect lights and landscapes); his backyard is a PGA certified golf course. So what did we do? We walk on the greens at dusk. Every detail of the night seemed "perfect". Walking into his home was like walking into the pages of Better Homes and Gardens, and of course his mother rattled of something like.."if I had known you were coming, I would have cleaned earlier." She was obviously looking at a differet house than I had just walked into. Did I mention that both of his parents are elementary school principals? His father would have hired me last week but thought I had gone back to NY. All this "perfection" was a bit too much for me.

In the midst of it all, what was around me did not matter. What mattered was that this guy I spent the night getting to know, had not captured my heart. His music captured my heart, his lifestyle captured my interest. But he was not who I loved. And I know that I cannot always judge things from the beginning, I know that...but that does not change the sounds of my heart.

Last night, he expressed his interest in "dating me more". He claimed that out of all the girls he has recently dated I am the most interesting. I can hold the best conversation and am the most enjoyable to be around. In his words, I am "so mature, so....grown up". Okay, okay...hold the phone. While I know that these are perfectly wonderful compliments, I found that the delivery was a bit comical. All of a sudden, I was talking to a school boy, and that was not romantic...not in the least.

I stumbled across your picture tonight. Well, actually I was looking for it. Still, my heart stopped for a moment and all of my thoughts came to a complete halt. You see, for weeks now, you have been invading my thoughts. I miss your friendship, I miss your smile, I miss you. I went for a long period where I did not think too much about you. Over time you faded into the gray of things past. But you surfaced, you have always surfaced. Why? Why are you so intent on holding me in this tug of war? The last time I saw you, I silenty said over and over again, "If all the world faded away, I would want to be here; I would want to stay with you." Your presence brought a security and comfort to me. What is it about you? What is it? And why, in the final moments, have I always been so sure that "this" wouldn't work? When I looked into your eyes tonight, you looked so sad. I prayed for you, prayed about this whole thing. I hope you are well. I hope that your life is becoming settled. Know that even though I can't be with you, I love you.

A place to belong,
A place where my heart is at rest,
Will I ever find it?
Will there ever be total peace in my heart?
I feel as if life is just one big search for rest, for peace.
But I don't think it was meant to be that way.
What about overcoming?
What about walking in the fullness that God has for us?
What about God giving us the desires of our heart?
What about rising above our circumstances and experiencing joy in everyday life?

There has been a question rising up in my heart for over a year now. The question nags at me. It brings to the balances the decision of staying or leaving. Do I stay where I have learned to function and "belong", or do I leave in search of the something greater that my heart longs for? The thing is, I do not know what that greater thing is. I only know that right now I am not TRULY satisfied. Is it me? Or is it God? Is it the enemy luring me away from the good that God has in store? Or is the Lord, who is full of mercy, giving me time to figure out that it has been His voice all along? I am at peace when I am at the place I have been for so long. But when I leave, the constant nagging and questioning overrides the peace and security I felt in my moments of being "there" in the place of security.

I don't know if I have the courage to disappoint those who are with me now. If I disappoint them, I am very sure that I would lose relationships. I love these people. I am sure that they love me. I do not know if breaking away would cause a permanent rift, however. I am afraid of leaving discouragement in their hearts. I am afraid that I would be wrong and break trust if I ever decided to return. I am afraid that I would not know where to go from here.

I am waiting for the perfect timing. When is that? How will I know? The timing of the Lord is perfect. He does all things well. Lord, bring your peace and lead me out in peace.

Oh lead me
To the place where I can find you
Oh lead me
To the place where you'll be

Lead me to the cross
Where we first met
Draw me to my knees
So we can talk
Let me feel your breath
Let me know you're here with me

Copyright © Furious? Records.

Ughh...another moment of writer's block.

I woke up this morning to look at the caller id on my cell phone. It was ringing with "unknown" in the window. I thought to myself..."better answer, after all it could be a call from Iraq". Now, I have never received a call from someone across the ocean. I don't even remember talking to my brother when he was overseas. I was not even expecting a phone call. But when I answered it was, in fact, the long lost voice of my friend Joe, calling from the front lines of the war.

All weekend long, I have felt a strange weight about something. The longer I keep in contact with soldiers who fight for freedom, the more I read about the stories that are taking place, the closer I feel to the front lines. Have I seen or tasted of the death that they face all day long? No. Have I slept in the bitter sands and missed the sight of home? No. But my heart breaks, for the soldiers who lay their lives down, for the oppressed people of Iraq who long for freedom.

This war, like all in ages past will shape the history of this world. Out loud I ask, what is this world coming to? In my heart, I cry out, why this way? I have only understood war from the perspective of a text book. I have heard stories, romantic and gruesome, of strangers who sacrificed their lives and won victories for the freedoms I enjoy today. This is the first time that I know those who are there. This is the first time that I can connect those around me with the current events we are now facing. I have no words to describe the aching inside of me. I feel helpless. I feel humbled. I am in awe.

And now, after reading A Table in the Presence, I feel as if I have seen a new facet of the power of God. Indeed, He is moving among the nations. His purposes will be accomplished. War is necessary, inevitable, powerful, effective. It is gruesome, heart wrenching, terrible, full of death. One seeks power by selfishly twisting and infringing upon the statutes of freedom, the other seeks freedom from that power. I know Jesus. I know the end result. I know that He seeks the peoples of those nations who are at war. I know that He longs to be known by them. The picture is bigger than you and I. It is bigger than one war. It is bigger than only one country. God is moving among the nations. Behind this war there is a people struggling for life. And beyond every news report is a story of God's faithfulness. He is restoring. He is bringing new life. Lord, let us see it with our eyes too. Restore our hope in the days to come.

Today I received a present from one of my students. He had hidden it at my desk, so I opened it alone before class formally started. I could tell that he had taken much time and thought for the wrapping process. Daniel had written a note, in his broken English, who knows what it really said. :) He had then attached a gift to the note, wrapped in crumpled up notebook paper with ducktape securely in place. To top it off, a peppermint candy was placed beside the gift. (It was later eaten by Daniel.) The gift itself was a large pearl necklace with other beads attached. He later came and made sure that I had received the gift and that I liked it. He then told me that he had rescued it from being thrown away by his mother. His gift was precious. It came from his heart. He made my day. And although Daniel never sits in his seat, never really seems to listen when we are learning in class, and never stops tapping, twirling, drumming, or talking, I totally believe that somehow I have made a difference.

I don't know if I have taught these kids any academics that they will remember. (but I sure hope so) I don't know if I have given them enough structure or discipline to learn by. What I do know is that above and beyond learning how to tell time and count money, I want them to know their worth. I want them to know that they can walk in love and forgiveness. I want them to realize that they do not have to walk bitter as many of their parents do. I want them to believe in themselves enough to try and to problem solve. I want to see them push for something better. These are the true lessons that will get them through the hardships of life. These are the lessons I want to base my teaching around.

So I haven't been very faithful to my blog lately, but that does not discredit the fact that my life has been overwhelmingly full of thoughts that I hope one day will transform into words. So to you who are faithful to check up on me every once in awhile...all is well. Transition time is here.

Right now, there is a very large thunderstorm brewing outside. I am wondering if a tornado will take place somewhere in the vicinity. Of course, I have not been in Oklahoma long enough to recognize the difference in the shapes of thunderstorm clouds vs. tornado clouds. I have only been here long enough to know that any storm excites the weathermen, who give detailed accounts of pertinent information that must interrupt regularly scheduled programming. So right now I am going to turn on the tv. Okay, still just a thunderstorm.

Anyways, I am reading a book called A Table in the Presence by Lt. Carey H. Cash. He talks about being on the front lines of the current war that we are facing. He was with the first groups to enter Iraq. Miracle after miracle occured and God protected these men on the front lines. Many soldiers have committed their lives to Christ. What an amazing story that we do not hear from CNN or any other public news network. My faith has been both challenged and encouraged. Every person Christian or otherwise needs to read the account of these soldiers who faced death all day long and whose God delivered them out of their affliction.

My friends Joe and John are there right now, on the front lines in Iraq. My life will never be the same because of their courage and their faith. They are sacrificing their lives all day long for people who do not understand the freedom that they bring and the sacrifice they are willing to make. Even children throw rocks at them, and still they lay their lives down. God recently reminded me of this verse which I sent in an email to Iraq...

For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

Christ was hated by those that He died for. He brought freedom to those who did not understand and could not perceive the great gift He had brought to them. These soldiers carry the same job with honor. We Christians should carry the call just as firmly, just as resolute.

The eve of college graduation is upon me. And for the occasion I am writing from a brand new laptop, courtesy of my family. They arrived today with lots of hugs and laughter. I love them. I miss them. Lord, help me to look in their eyes and appreciate every small moment that passes this weekend.

Last night I questioned hope. Tonight, I heard the same words from J. We both came from the same family. We both have responded in separate ways. I took the route of compliance, doing anything and everything to please others, in order to be accepted. J. backed away, avoiding places of social discomfort because that is where he was safe. We were both vulnerable. In my vulnerability, I let others define who I became. In his vulnerability, he did not allow himself or others to see the potential that lay below the surface of his broken heart. I overdosed on relationships, while he longed to know the taste of even one or two. Wow.

Now what? How do we change? How do we look inside of our hearts and become the man and woman that God created us to be? How do we overcome this fear? How do we get out of this performance mentality that either propels us towards destruction or paralyzes us from the destiny we were created for? In the words of J., "I don't even know where to begin."

But the word I hear from God tonight is this, "The old has gone. The new has come." It's a new season. God show us how to begin. Show us the fullness of your heart. Teach us to walk in Your path, to delight in Your way. Let us know fullness of joy, let us taste true love, let us know how to dwell in good and pure relationships, let us learn how to trust. Amen.

With all my heart I want to believe that God is good. With my mouth I confess it daily. Then where is the hope that breathes life into this waiting period of my life? What does hope look like?

Things are not always as they seem...cliche'. But it's true. Tonight I have been informed of facts I did not know. I saw this world I've been living in from a different perspective. Have a I been a victim of ignorance? Have I been an aid to the institutions that are bringing me detriment? These are both large, general questions that I am not ready to answer. Lord, bring the truth to light and lead me in Your way.

Usually around Valentine's Day I find myself wishing for someone special to spend it with. This year, not so. Why? Well, partially I think because I was getting attention I did not ask for. I received two bouquets of roses and sentiments from guys I am not particularly interested in. Although I was flattered, at the same time, I felt a lot more obligation to be more appreciative than I actually was. One of the guys spoils me unconditionally, knowing that we are only friends. The other lives in a fantasy world, with me starring as his future wife (no kidding, apparently God really shared this information with him). Yuck. And although the first is totally genuine, I just cannot return the same feelings. Anyways, it could just be that I am finally content with this season of my life. It really is nice to settle in, to enjoy each day, to know that I don't have to be "with someone" to be happy. I like spending random quality time with friends, I like being dedicated to my job, I like taking naps when I get home. I like that I don't have to worry about anyone right now, unless I choose to. Of course, the dream is there. The dream of falling in love and having a best friend for life. I look forward to that. But I don't depend on it anymore. I'm tired of putting my hope in relationships that were never meant to be. I'm tired of wrong expectations and wrong motives. I want to live with a pure heart, open and honest with the people God has placed in my life. And one day, I am sure that there will be someone who exceeds every expectation, every hope, every dream. I look forward to him, to that season.

God-given friendships are my favorite.

Is it possible to walk forward when you do not know which direction is forward? Is forward always the obvious answer? It's time for me to start walking. Time to stop contemplating the consequences if I do make a wrong choice. I need to just make a choice and stick with it. Then, trust that God will right all the things I am sure to screw up along the way. Having "arrived" at one of my arrival points just recently...young and independent with a college degree...I find that I am totally dependent on God and still have a long ways to go. But to where? Where is my real destination? The whole point really is that I am on a journey. But unlike "choose your own adventure" I can't go back and read the book again. I have to choose and totally invest my heart and my life to those things that I do choose. I can't look back. So how do I look forward? That's my question of the evening.

In the midst of holding together a chaotic first grade classroom today I realized that time is a necessary process within the art of teaching. There was no way that smooth transitions and awe inspiring lessons would occur on the first day of class. Today was the my third day with them and I think I almost caught 20 seconds of silence as some kind of information, I assume, was flowing into their little minds. The rest of our time was spent with reminders about talking out of turn and roaming around the classroom and staying on task. Three of them have cried because I held them accountable for their choices. I hate holding them to the consequences more than they hate receiving them. My conscience reminds me, however, that allowing their disobedience of the rules would be hurting them even more.

So when does it happen? When will they be happy to learn the vital information I am required to give them? When will they be ready to set their attention on the lessons I have prepared? How do I turn their entertainment-geared learning tenticles to a direction that teaches them the value of self-motivation and discipline? How do I inspire these young hearts to dig and to search for truth? How do I guide them to solve problems that they deal with every day? My goodness, these kids are only in first grade!

One day at a time. One lesson at a time. One moment. One look. One hug. And somehow, someday I'll be able to teach them what they really need to learn. The information will get through to them not because I told them, but because I built a bridge and showed them how to cross it. A bridge cannot be built in a day. But it can be built. It will be built. God help me build it.

Father, take me up from here
Spirit lead me on