Your Plan

Thank you for listening. You have heard my outbursts, my rash words, my fear at its height. I know that you stayed even when I did not trust you. I know that you waited while I ran after the rations of my own understanding. My eyes have not stopped crying for days. And yet, you are patient with me. I see your smile. I see your knowing look; it cuts straight to the root of my heart's condition. The way you look at me, is exactly how I see my children when I have acted on their behalf and they do not yet realize the good they are being given. I have yet to understand your goodness, but in the midst of this struggle you let me start out new each day, as if the day before is gone and not held against me. Your promise still stands.

And I know that you are still waiting for me...waiting for me to walk forward instead of stand still; to let go of the fear that my past defines me, and to rest in knowing that You are the One who speaks of who I am...waiting for me to believe that you are who you say that you are...waiting for me to walk with you, truly walk with you, instead of trying to do it on my own.

I just want you to see that I'm trying, that my heart is in this. You have seen me already... hardened, broken. And you have mended the pieces that I never thought I would see again. I'm coming, Lord. I'm coming to meet up with you. You're right, it's time for something new. Let's walk arm in arm. Let's talk and laugh together again. Let's see what you have planned. I'm ready for your plan.

What is Hope?

I'm trying very hard to not close up my heart this time.
I'm trying very heard to stay open,
to hope for more. I'm trying very hard not to be afraid.

I prayed. I thought I heard God. I thought everything was good.
I thought I had His peace, His assurance.

I hate the arrows. The arrows that fly by day and threaten by night. The arrows that tell me of insignificance, lies, misplaced hope, unfulfilled dreams. The arrows that tell me that what I hope for is not pleasing to God. The arrows that point right at me and tell me that my life is worth nothing, that who I am is not enough.

I know that I am not the only one. I know that there are problems worse than mine, hearts more broken than my own. I know that this will pass and there will be new places and events and people to set my mind upon. I know, because I hear it over and over again, that this life is not about me...it's all about Him. I know that all I have to do is let it go. I know.

What is it about hope that creates such a fine line based on perspective? Either it makes you feel as if you are floating or, in stark contrast, it makes you feel as if you are standing on the edge of a cliff?

Is my hope valid or is it false?
Because here's the thing. What I see is such a disappointment compared to what I thought I would see. What I see is emptiness and void and that my heart has been reaching for a dream that was never real.

All I can do is sit here and say, "what?" And then I begin to cry because I am so angry and disappointed about the whole thing.

What is hope? It's been my question for a long time.

Flowers for the Teacher

Wilbur and Charlie came to class early this morning. They know they're supposed to wait outside the door with the rest of the classes...but this morning they had picked a beautiful arrangement of flowers on the way to school and couldn't wait to put it in my hands. "Miss T., there's an onion in there too." I didn't even have to ask...the smell of the wild onion overpowered any floral scents that might have come from the rest of the arrangement. "Yeah, Miss T., we got chased by a really big dog when we were picking this flower." I had to ask...not only were there wild flowers and weeds that might have grown anywhere along a sidewalk or parking lot on the way to school...mind you they don't live in the country...these flowers were also lovingly picked from gardens and flower beds all along the way. I love these kids. :)

Scotland

So I'm headed to Scotland this summer....thought I'd post a few pictures from this site I found tonight. :)

Three Things

I have tried to write a good number of posts since the last and none could seem to come out quite right. Even tonight I am unsure of the words that will be written here.

Three weeks ago I had a chance (and I use that word knowing that nothing is by chance) encounter with a person who would show me quite a few things about myself and my heart in general.

In order to remain anonymous tonight I will only write what happened to me. I will not include other names or times or places.

This person of interest was not someone I expected anything of or from in the first place. I wouldn't have expected that our paths would cross and when they did it was as if this person had quite appeared out of nowhere.

The first thing this person showed me is that there are those out there who will see my heart right away and who will know who I am without even asking. I am glad for those people. I am glad to skip all of the surface level chit-chat and get right to the heart of things. Someone who knows you right away will reflect back what you always knew about yourself but were afraid to believe or admit for one reason or the other. This person saw my sense of adventure, my energy...not the quietness and seriousness I get so quickly labeled and left with most of the time. This person made me want to live my life better and laugh out loud more often.

The second thing this person showed me is that my heart still works. After a harsh breakup almost two years ago, I didn't know if feeling strongly for another person was still possible. I didn't know that I could open my heart again. I can. I didn't know I could feel so much joy or hope. I did not know that I could feel the way that Rascal Flatts would explain it, "I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside that I just can't explain...like a weight that I carried been carried away...away." Whenever listening to that song I had always hoped that I would wake up feeling that way one day...the morning after spending time with this person...it is exactly how I felt...I can't even explain the peace and how different it felt from every other day.

I now also know that my heart is still able to hurt. I am still able to cry. I am still able to long for someone. I am still able to hope for more.

Now, after being seen and after allowing my heart to catch a glimmer of hope, I am still waiting to know about this person. In three short weeks my whole world has been changed. And I'm sitting here waiting, because I thought I saw something. I thought I heard the voice that I've been waiting to hear for so long. I thought, just maybe, that I felt at home and welcomed. I don't know, I'm still waiting.

Which leads me to the third thing this person has shown me. I feel alone. Being alone and feeling alone are two different things mind you. I am not alone, of course. I have God obviously at all times and in every way. I have a family whom I love and who loves me. I have amazing friends who are on call anytime, anywhere. No, I am not alone. And for quite some time, I have been content in my independent state. I am content to go to church on my own, share my day with roomates, go out with the girls on the weekends, make plans for traveling, invite others to come and visit, explore new things and places. I had come to the conclusion that I would buy a house on my own. Plan life, on my own. Pray and encourage others the best I knew how. And the list goes on.. Yes, I was surviving; not really paying attention to the dull ache that said, "wouldn't it be nice to share all of this WITH someone?" And this one person comes along, about the same way anyone would I guess. But this person was different somehow...sang a different tune, one that harmonized with mine more than anyone I've really met. And instead of sticking around, this person has managed to appear, then disappear, and then appear again, etc, etc. It leaves me with the clear perspective that I don't like living on my own. I don't like being as independent as I make myself out to be. I want to depend on someone. I want to vent and argue and discuss and live with someone. I don't like this aloneness. I don't like feeling as if I am on the outside of this relationship stuff...only looking at others who seem to have found such an amazing gift.

I desperately want to cling to what has been put in front of me. And the thing is I can't. I can't control it. I can't make it mine. I can't even submit to it and hope that it brings me in. I have to let go and let God take care of my heart. I have to trust that God knows my heart better than I know it. I have to trust that He has a good plan for my life...a plan that brings joy and hope...a plan that lifts the burden I so easily pick up and try to carry myself.

So, here I am....now reminded that there are others out there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me when we meet, reminded that my heart is still capable of feeling joy and hope, reminded that I have a great need for fellowship and friendship and love. Not bad for one person in three weeks time.

God help me trust you in the days ahead. Help me to have faith for what You have promised.

Breathing In

There's something about the ocean breeze late at night, the smell of roses mixed in with that breeze, the wind touching your skin, your hair while riding an old school bicycle through quiet beach neighborhoods, looking at houses that look so much more like a welcome home, lamposts burning, sprinklers watering, stars shining and a ring around the moon...something about it that breathes life into forgotten places. I felt like a young girl again, laughing out loud.

A Table Before Us

Two of my third graders were arguing with one another last week. Actually, one of the girls is in my class and the other one is a third grader who switched to the new teacher earlier this year. Both girls are leader material. Both of them long for attention. Needless to say, their desire for friends and a good reputation lead them into territorial arguments. When they came running up to me after P.E. last Monday, I looked at the other teacher and said, "Okay, they're eating lunch together all this week." And that was the deal...they were going to sit together and spend time together whether they liked it or not. Secretly, I thought that was probably what they had wanted anyways. In their argument, I heard them crying out for someone to show them how to be friends.

Monday.
They were embarrassed to sit together, but did so with much argument and foot stomping.

Tuesday.
Both thought I forgot about the lunchtime requirement. (Fortunately, I remembered this time.)More foot stomping. One of the girls refused to even finish eating her lunch. They sat at opposite ends of the table...arms crossed.

Tuesday afternoon.
I sent each an invitation to join me for lunch the next day. Real food...not cafeteria. They both rsvp'd and said they would come.

Wednesday.
We sat together at the table. Both were pretty quiet. I pulled out the lunchables (kids loves those things), grapes, and jello. And all of a sudden, this verse popped into my head...."He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies." We began to talk...not about anything in particular...just small talk. It was good. By the end of the lunchtime....without me even having to pull it out of them...they said goodbye to each other. That may sound small, but really, it was huge....they had refused to talk to each other before.

Wednesday after school.
I heard both girls again call across the sidewalk to say goodbye to each other.

So maybe they will continue to feel a little apprehension about befriending one another. I realize that peer pressure could keep them apart. But I do know this, for a few moments last week, these two girls were able to speak amicably to one another. They were at peace enough to go out of their way to say goodbye.

I don't think I'll ever think about that verse in the same way again. And hopefully I'm not taking it out of context. I've always thought it was a prideful thing, like...haha, enemy, look how much God loves me. But, maybe, just maybe, He provides in a way that puts us in a position to share in the goodness of God together. Maybe some of our enemies should not be our enemies at all. Maybe God's love needs to step in and provide a table before us...to set our differences aside, to make amends, to be at peace. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Hillbilly Daydream

My brother wrote the this awesome poem today. If you have a moment I highly recommend the read. :) Josh, every time you write, I am reminded of the gift of God that you are. Love you.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=48888524&blogID=105120621&indicate=1

The Waiting

Psalm 27:13, 14

I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

Hosea 12:6
But you must return to your God;

maintain love and justice,

and wait for your God always.

Hebrews 6:15

And so after waiting patiently,

Abraham received what was promised.

James 5:7
Be patient, then, brothers,

until the Lord's coming.

See how the farmer waits

for the land to yield its valuable crop

and how patient he is for the autumn and spring rains.

I looked through a Bible concordance this morning to find verses on waiting. These are only a few. Waiting seems to be a common theme throughout the Old and New Testament. Seems like when one is waiting it is very hard to keep hope alive. This morning I choose to remain hopeful in my waiting and remain confident in the Lord.

Second Chance

I did not get to bed until 1am last night. I had to set my alarm for 6:00am. Usually, that's a problem. But I slept so well, and on top of that, I woke up peacefully before my alarm clock sounded. I felt so alive, so awake...not nervous, not rushed, not grumpy. I laid in bed for half an hour just basking in the silence, the sun seeping through my blinds. I had extra time, after getting ready, to open the blinds and make my bed...things I usually only give a passing glance as I run out the door to try to beat traffic. Even preparing my classroom this morning was a peaceful thing. I was not running around everywhere. I was not fighting off the nervous "I have to get everything done" feeling. I took my time and when I looked at the clock I was surprised to see how much I had accomplished and how very little time had really passed. Today, was a change of pace...something I will write more about in days to come.

I woke up as if in a dream...welcoming the day...thankful for the night before. Yesterday was perfect, a day I've hoped for, but never knew when I'd see coming. Thank you, God, for showing me second chances. Lead me on and show me the way to go.

Do You Trust Me?

While I was out line dancing the other night, I met another guy who took it upon himself to teach me some swing steps. The great thing was that even though he was only about my height, he was pretty confident in his ability to flip me around.

So in the middle of the dancefloor...without too many people out there I got the hang of things pretty quickly and really enjoyed dancing with someone who knew how to dance. Then he asked the big question, "Do you trust me?" Of course, I had the ...I don't think you know how tall I really am..how much I really weigh excuse that every girl holds in the back of her mind...but he convinced me he was pretty strong and it was all about technique anyways.

Yeah, it was fun. But the thing that stuck with me...the reason I'm writing about it is because when he told me he was going to flip me about the third time, I gave him a look that to me registered as "Umm..I'm not so sure...it was fun both the first and the second time, but seriously..." He laughed and said, "man, your eyes just totally lit up". I don't think I could trust a whole lot of people to just throw me up in the air over a hard surface in the middle of a crowd. But here he was offering this small adventure, tossing me out of my comfort zone, asking for my trust.

I realized that night, that I long for moments of trust. I know dancing seems like such a small thing...not like bungy jumping or parachuting or scouting out an indigenous country. But stepping out, trusting someone to help me do something I secretly have longed to do but never had the chance. It reminded me of the first time my brother convinced me that the front seat of the roller coaster is always the best...this, after I had concluded that I'd probably never ride again. Now, it's the only way to go. :)

No wonder my eyes lit up. It was an adventure that I didn't have to take on alone. There was someone beside me...and a risk to be taken. I'm glad he noticed, because then I was able to recognize a little piece of what I've been longing for. I know better what to look for now. I can't stop thinking about it. "Do you trust me?"...in the right context, this is becoming my favorite question.

Coming to the End

The tears came tonight. Actually, they've shown up a lot recently. But tonight, after talking with mom...I couldn't hold them back anymore. And then my roomate came out and I made her cry with all my crying.

I want so badly to know Christ. I mean know Him. Not just know about Him. I've grown up with Him, tasted His life, seen His goodness. But I feel like I'm missing something. I feel empty, worn out, insecure...like who I am is not enough to even get His attention.

And the thing is...I can't live like that. I can't live going through the motions. I am seeing a great big empty world and I can't even do anything about it. I have friends who do not know Him. I know people who are full of sickness and hurts that need to be healed. And I want to SEE them saved, healed, set free...FULL of the life of God. But how can I do that if I am not full of the life of God?

By the world I am seen as "conservative"...quoted by a guy I had a good conversation with the other night while line dancing. By my best friend, who is in full time ministry, I am seen as a liberal Christian. I go out and blend in. And it's all the name of relationship. I go out with the teachers b/c I want to form relationships with them. I've always done that...since way back in high school. But what am I doing that's different? What am I doing that shows the life of God? What in me is drawing them to Christ? Right now...there is nothing that I can see.

And my kids. 15 hungry little hearts....waiting to be ministered to, taught every day. I feel like I'm letting them down...letting God down.

I am not FULL of life. I feel so sad, quiet, so focused on ME. The Bible says that it is the relationships between God and the gentiles that will move the Jews to jealousy. There is nothing in my life worth being jealous of.

When I was young my biggest question was..."If I was standing on a stage in front of the world, how would everyone understand my words in their own language?" I seriously pondered that. And then I would think about how to invite my neighborhood for Bible studies in my backyard. The thought of both of those things scares me now. In the back of my mind I don't think I know God enough. I don't think I'm walking in His fullness. I'm so afraid of using Him and never really knowing Him.

I need more of God. I don't want to minister to ANYone until the life of God dwells in me richly. Otherwise it is empty...so, so empty.

The Love of Christ

Romans 8:37-39:

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life,

nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers,

nor things present, nor things to come,

Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature,

shall be able to separate us from the love of God,

which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Next...the World

Four to six weeks from today I will be receiving my passport!!! One step closer to stepping off of the North American continent and seeing the rest of the world. With all of this excitement I am wondering what took me so long to get to this point. There's a time for everything I suppose. And there are plans in the works....Europe this summer. :)

Jesus Saves

I sure am missing my computer...it's sitting in the backroom of Best Buy right now...waiting to be fixed. I got the blue screen early last week. That was after the flickering screen. Ugh. I almost thought my pictures would be lost b/c my computer won't read the hard drive...but apparently they can be backed up for $90 on another computer. Thanks Best Buy....always working...to make more money. And as my dad so poignantly reminded me after I realized my own error of not backing up my own files...."Jesus saves".

In other news, I learned that the Rabbi who is teaching my class on Jewish roots is the grandson of the guy who brought back the Hebrew language and wrote the 17 volume (or 18 I can't remember exactly) Hebrew dictionary...the most collective dictionary of any language in the world. His work and vision had a major impact on Israel becoming a nation again. I couldn't believe that in our small class of maybe 20 people (give or take a few) we were sitting and learning Hebrew from someone who was related to such history. (You can read about him clicking here.) His family has a cemetary plot on the Mt. of Olives...now that says something because only prominent Jews get the honor of being buried there....and this particular plot stands out because it is the only one surrounded by a wrought iron fence. Wow, I was impressed. Monday night was the best history lesson I have ever sat through. I am so looking forward to the day that I get to go to Israel.

FYI

Today is my half-birthday. :)

Edison Glass

I had the privilege of hanging with these guys this weekend. So cool to have known them in college and see them now continuing on with their dream.

Give them a listen.

My favorite is "When All We Have is Taken".

Cd comes out April 4.

Shifting the Paradigm

Redeem my heart....that's my prayer right now. Plain and simple yet with so much desperation. And the truth is, He already has....I just wish my own paradigm to shift so that I can actually see...so that I can actually walk in confidence and trust. There's a lost world out there...surrounds me every day...and yet I am still walking in need of a Savior. I am still so aware of my incapabilities and longings. I wish myself to be further down the road already.

Go ORU!!!

TULSA, Okla. The Oral Roberts University men's basketball team, which claimed the 2006 Toshiba Mid-Continent Conference Tournament title with an 85-72 win over Chicago State last Tuesday, has been slated as the #16 seed in the Oakland Regional for the upcoming 2006 NCAA Tournament. The Golden Eagles will take on #1 seed Memphis, the Conference USA regular season and tournament champion, at Dallas' American Airlines Arena on Friday afternoon at 1:50 p.m. More here.

I know, I know...they look like the underdogs...but it's very exciting to see my team play!!! If anyone wants to record the game for me...I'll be at work...I don't have a way to tape it.

The Truth of the Matter

"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized."

Dr. Haim Ginott

Correcting Homework

A note written on Alexis' homework sheet today (her sister is in 2nd grade):

"Miss T., my sister did my times tables for me. I checked them though and made sure they were right."

1 Peter 5

8Be well balanced (temperate, sober of mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour.
9Withstand him; be firm in faith [against his onset--rooted, established, strong, immovable, and determined], knowing that the same (identical) sufferings are appointed to your brotherhood (the whole body of Christians) throughout the world.
10And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.
11To Him be the dominion (power, authority, rule) forever and ever. Amen (so be it).

Ode To Tilex

Tilex Mildew Remover is the best. I never knew such a thing existed. My apartment is now mold free...in five minutes without any scrubbing. Even my windowsills...totally clean.

Foreign Soil

My brother has been sending pics from Iraq. He is right in the middle of history. I'm so proud of him. And I have to also admit that I'm a bit jealous. You can read more about him on his own blog. 

It's Over!!!

FCAT week is officially over! Every bubble has been filled in...every child has finished the test...we are done. My 3rd graders were totally silent for at least 2 hours every morning...talk about a challenge. But they did it!! Next week, we go back to regular schedules...less stressed out teachers, less stressed out principal. (That will be good for my evaluation coming up next week.) And then came the news....the teachers were laughing at me today during recess..."just wait until the last 9 weeks of school...then you'll think the FCAT was nothing!"

Thank You

Dear Savannah,
I was thinking today that even though we chatted for a bit last week, we still haven't talked since. I know you come here to read, so I thought I'd let you know here....that I am thankful for you as well. You brought me the comfort of friendship in a new place. You helped me settle and opened up doors I would not have found on my own. You are faithful and loyal. Never in my life have I met someone so committed or so willing to go out of their way. Thank you for sharing yourself and your time with me. 

On the Road

Today: I woke up at 10:30, called mom and dad around 1:00 and asked if I could be their tag along for the day, found my bathroom flooded at 1:05, rushed to get ready anyways, told dad about the flood when he got here, watched dad clean up my bathroom for me, ate Mexican for lunch, spilled my water at the table (what's up with the water?), saw a lot of houses for sale (mom and dad are looking), took over 100 pictures of the North Florida landscape, went grocery shopping at a different store than usual, received the benefit of having a very good looking manager offer to take my groceries to my car (after he had continuously shown up in the same parts of the store as I did), ran into the automatic door on the way out (I pick the best times to be the least coordinated), laughed at myself all the way home, talked to Jilli for awhile, cooked an artichoke for over an hour and then finally figured out it needed to be covered while cooking, and now I sit here blogging while Alan Jackson is sings old hymns on the Grand 'Ol Opry..."Tis' So Sweet to Trust in Jesus".

While we were on the road today, grandma called my cell and put grandpa on the phone. He's home from the hospital on a weekend pass and wanted to thank me for the gift I had sent him. After him being so sick, I was afraid of how he would sound, but all I heard was "Hiiiiiiii April!" ...just as chipper as he has always been. He shared with me that at first the doctors had told him that he'd be on dialysis the rest of his life. Current prognosis: he'll never need it again. Grandpa is on the mend. A month ago we didn't know if he would even make it home. In his own words, he has "received a miracle." Yes. :) 

Commercial Free Beachfront

Sunset at Fernadina.
I loved the reflection of the water when I took this picture. 

Multi-Tasking

How to carry your camera, shoes and shells while walking on the beach. :) Missy is one of my dearest friends. She was my road trip buddy through college. Now that she's married and we're in different states, we've started driving long distances to visit each other. This is last weekend when she came down from SC.

Homemade Cookies

The day before Valentines Day my kids asked me to make them some cookies. So...I did. They were iced with creamy white frosting and decorated with red cinnamon candies. My 3rd graders have received a lot of gifts this year...our school has a lot of giveaways. But I think the cookies topped the list. Still, two weeks later they're talking about the cookies. "Did your mom make those cookies, Miss T.?" "Did you really make them yourself?" Even a second grader came up and told me how much she enjoyed the cookie her sister had shared with her. Who knew a little baking would go such a long way? 

Quietness and Trust

Isaiah 30:15 For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel: In returning [to Me] and resting [in Me] you shall be saved; in quietness and in [trusting] confidence shall be your strength.

Galatians 1:10 Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of God? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah).


I had a meeting with a parent this morning and a team of three other professionals concerning her son, my student. This particular student has been struggling the whole year...basically he is not capable of performing at grade level. But he is SUCH a hard worker, and so even tempered. He is probably one of the best students in my class. I don't feel like I've done a whole lot...the only thing I have done is encourage her awkward little boy everyday in my class. There are a few teachers who outright look down on him. I never have. I believe in that little guy. He tries so hard. He and his mom have been so discouraged that he could not have had the help he needed sooner. So we've been working on things, trying to get this guy back where he needs to be. This particular mother has been through so much...cancer treatment, not enough food or money to pay the bills...etc. She broke down crying today, in the middle of our meeting...looked straight at me and thanked me for all that I've done. Her words meant so much more than an administrative opinion on the management of my classroom. It told me that this year, I was in the right place at the right time.

I've been so worried about what people think of my teaching...so worried that it has affected my teaching. I've been so concerned with formalities that I have forgotten who I am working for. I'm working for God. He should be my focus....all else flows from that...as my roomate reminded me on the way to school this morning.

I realize that most of my problems lately have stemmed from this one issue. I am looking for the favor of people around me rather than trusting in the favor of God. I have been voicing my fears, my worries, my concerns to everyone around me....getting worked up and overly concerned. And the still, quiet voice inside of me says..."Is it really that big of a deal?" I want to fight for myself, I want to be treated with respect, I want to know that I belong somewhere, that I am making a difference....and because of these things, so much fear has been coming out of my mouth. Some kind of hardness...defensiveness has crept in. It's not me.

And so, realizing this, I haven't had a lot to write because really and truly I don't want to write about it anymore. Really and truly I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go through this, get through this. I want to finally be confident in God and His favor in my life...to walk in quietness and trust...instead of strife and constant rehashing of the same frustrations.

Transformation

My roomate and I spent valentine's evening cooking dinner. While eating we began to discuss Heaven. I'm pretty convinced that I want to go there. I think about it a lot. There's a really great chapter about Heaven in Journey of Desire. I actually sat and read this chapter to Carrie last night. This is a quote from that chapter that stuck out to me, it speaks of the way that Jesus spoke about the Kingdom of Heaven and relates His stories to the fairy tales that we have been raised with:

Maybe above all they are tales of transformation

where all creatures are revealed in the end as what they truly are -

the ugly duckling becomes a great white swan,

the frog is revealed to be a prince,

and the beautiful but wicked queen is unmasked in all her uglisness.

They are tales of transformation where the ones who live happily ever after,

as by no means everybody does in fairy tales,

are transformed into what they have it in them at their best to be.

- Telling the Truth by Frederick Buechner

Lately, during the middle of the day, I have found myself imagining places and stories...these pictures are so vivid that I long to just sit down and write about them...but usually I'm in the middle of teaching, so no can do. When I do actually write these things down, I want them to be stories that reflect such transformation as I quoted above.

Just random thoughts before I head to bed...

A Digital Miracle :)

About a month ago, I went to visit some very close friends and celebrate their daughter's sixth birthday. There were bubbles at the party. What happens when a two year old, bubbles and a camera get together? The bubbles won that day. The zoom was stuck, the dials no longer worked properly, the picture button no longer took pictures. L.i.q.u.i.d. damage. I was so sad...that was almost $300 down the drain....not to mention...one of my favorite past times. I went to Best Buy and they told me it would be cheaper just to buy a brand new camera rather than to get my own fixed. Dad said he would take a look at it if I brought it over, but there were no guarantees there either. In desperation I prayed over my camera and asked God to fix it; that didn't seem to do anything either. A month has gone by with it just sitting dormant in my closet.

Mom and dad showed up today, unexpectedly. I decided to pull out the camera and have dad take a look...just in case he could do something. After putting new batteries in he claimed that there was nothing wrong with the camera. WHAT? I couldn't believe it. My camera is totally fine. Now you may be thinking it was the batteries, but seriously it was not. That camera did NOT work a couple weeks ago. And now, fine. I'm so thankful. :)

Starting Over

I love the promise of things to come. I love knowing that something new is just around the corner. And deep down inside, I have to admit, that sometimes I like to let go of the old. But the truth of it all is that it's hard to start over.

Starting over means being alone for awhile. It means redefining everything I have known before. It means taking stock of who I really am, in the midst of changing circumstances.

I don't like the me I see right now.

I don't like being alone.

I don't like having to put myself out there.

Tonight, I realized again how much I have to trust God. If I want to succeed here, I have to trust that He will lead me to the right places and the right people. And when I find people I have to trust that they will not turn away. I have to be vulnerable all over again. I really can be the biggest nerd too. Ask my sister, ask some of my close friends. Knowing this makes me a little nervous. I haven't had a group of close friends to walk with in a long time. But in order to see my prayers answered I have to be available. I have to go when I am afraid to go. I have to speak when I am afraid to speak. Because, if I back away, if I stay in my quiet apartment, how will I meet anyone who will reach back to me?

I've seen it happen before. I have so many good friends around the world. In this place of starting over, I have to trust that God will be faithful to bring relationships again. I have to trust that He will continue to mold me into someone who is also able to reach out and bless the others around me. I don't feel like that person right now. But I can see her. I can see myself at peace....I am looking forward to that time and place.

Reminded

I had to push myself to go to church tonight. I had been invited by one of the ushers, an acquaintance I had made just five days earlier. It promised to be a packed out service with people my age. I was afraid to show up alone, to sit alone...to awkwardly ask two other new acquaintances if I could join their row. But the night turned out okay. Two of the guys I knew are from Rochester. We had some places and friends in common.

After church we went down to San Marco to drink some coffee. There was a girl playing her guitar with a back up cello-ist (however you spell that). Her voice sang a raw Patsy Kline as we stood in line to order our cups of coffee. It was as if we had entered a living room of sorts...couches everywhere, a television playing the Winter Olympics. The four of us squeezed into a space right next to the instruments. I could imagine myself playing out like this girl. Usually, I can't. But tonight, I wished very much for someone to turn to me and say...how about taking a spin with the guitar? How about playing us all a tune? I really think I could have done it.

This one friend had been to a few Sweet Aromas too....for those of you who remember our worship sessions on the front lawn of Starbucks every Sunday night. He said he remembered one of the twins (meaning you Jen and Wen) playing guitar and busting out the most beautiful voice. He went on and on about the sound. I don't remember a time when either of you played, and maybe you did. I don't know if it was me he remembered or not. But what I do know is that, tonight, there was such a hunger in me to play again. I wanted so much to sing a song for a crowd. I wanted so much to let it all out. The conversation led to questions of "do you play?" "do you sing too?" etc.

I began to think about my thought patterns before I moved here. I remembered telling myself that I could leave my fears behind me. I remembered telling myself that I could start all over again and confidently move towards my dreams. I remembered being glad to move away from those that I never felt accomplished enough to play in the light of. I remembered tonight as I came home to play my guitar. I began to write another song.

Deeper

This week has gotten better. Little bit by little bit. I'm learning how to quiet myself. I'm learning how to trust God. I'm seeing how the peace of my students is directly related to the peace that I carry in the classroom. Too often, I relied on the thought that the happiest of circumstances would show me what I need to know. Not true. The only word I can come up with right now is depth. God is giving me depth. He's making more room for life. I've tried all week to post...but the words are not coming. And it's not because I don't have anything to say. The verse that comes to mind is the one in Isaiah that says He quiets us with His love. I am quiet...after being humbled, after growing weary of my own pursuits. I am seeing that strength does not come through striving; strength comes in quietness and trust. God strengthen my heart in the days to come.

Sowing Tears

Another day in the life...

I cried in front of my kiddos Friday. Any teacher would tell you never to let your guard down. They would say that it shows weakness; shows that you cannot keep the control. I wasn't crying out of self pity....at least that's not how it all registered.

My kids are only 3rd graders and yet there is so much frustration already in their lives. They fight over menial words and misunderstood facial expressions. If their pride is challenged they are up in arms. They overreact to being misunderstood and yet do not seek to understand each other.

Friday, I was already tired. Tired of being observed all week long. Tired of my coaches and principal questioning whether or not I could do my job. So much so that I was beginning to question my own ability. Tired of feeling as if I will be the rookie for a long time and maybe never get this career under my belt. Wanting so much to make a difference and yet feeling that any difference I have been making has been more negative than positive. If only I was more experienced now. If only I actually knew how to organize and make learning exciting. If only I could draw the heart and talent out of these children.

And there they were all morning...arguing with one another...arguing with me. Using cutting words to make their point; using threatening remarks to manipulate their own position in the classroom. I was not enthused. I pulled C. aside...his reaction to getting in trouble is to retreat. He will not speak to me, will not look at me. And for two days he has been asking to go to another classroom. Ugh. When the girls left for CIS I pulled the boys aside for a reading activity. It didn't work...so I opened the floor for discussion...they could say anything they were feeling...as long as it wasn't cutting towards anyone in the group. Of course it was cutting though. But I had opened the floor so I let them say what needed to be said and I took notes to show them it was important.

When the girls came back in the room....it all went downhill. I could try to sit here and type out the logistics of relations but I won't. It got to the point where I couldn't even teach. I was so frustrated...and the kids were frustrated. So I pulled them together in the group area. And I began to tell them how I felt. I didn't even know what to say. I just kept praying, "God tell me what to do; intervene SOMEhow." I told them that I was frustrated. I told them how much I wanted to teach them. I told them that they didn't even know how special they were and that if they did then they wouldn't be treating each other the way that they do. And as I began to share my heart towards them I began to cry. I don't think they knew what to do. I think they started to feel the tears too by the looks on their faces. I could hear the words from other teachers, "never let them see you cry." But it had already started...and to really tell the truth...I think they needed to see it. I also apologized for not being patient with them. I told them that the Bible tells us that love is patient, and if we love each other then we should be patient with one another...etc, etc. I said a lot. I don't know how much it changed things. I really don't know.

All this to say, I don't know if I am good or not. What I do know is that I need God to intervene. After this past week of being in question at work, and going through what I've been through with the kids...the only thing that's going to show me that I'm doing a good job is the fruit of my work. It will not the be nice words and compliments by people who have not seen me teach. It will not be the overanalysis of peers or administration. It will be the actual lives of these kids played out...it will be the result of this year and the years following. Did they grow or not? Are they changed or not? Will they succeed or will they fail? How overwhelming. How humbling to know that their lives are so affected by my own. I know my shortcomings; I see my lacking work ethic. I see my ignorance and my lack of knowledge. I see the defaults of my heart. I don't know why God gave these 15 children to me. I don't know if I'm taking care of them as He would want me to. I could be doing so MUCH more...and yet I don't know how to do it. I can't even put my arms around it.

30 Minutes

I don't know about anybody else, but lately I've been asking God how I got here. I've been asking Him about what's next. Because really and truly I have felt like I've taken a detour in the past couple seasons of my life. It doesn't seem to be the mountain top experience I thought it would be. I am not who I thought I'd be.

The other day I got into my car and it was like God was waiting for me. As soon as the radio turned on a preacher's voice was speaking to me about my situation. God brought encouragement to my heart through his message. So, to anyone else who feels like they've taken a detour...set aside 30 minutes and listen to this broadcast. I guarantee that it's worth hearing.

Regency Church (click on January 22 - The Mountain of Divine Encounter)

Finding Hope

Two years ago was one of the hardest years of my life. And it's amazing...but all of a sudden, ...the pain, the mistakes, the wonderings, the doubts, the fears, my loss of faith in the church and in myself...God is using those things to minister to others. In the past two weeks, I have prayed...God use me...and He has. Umm, divine appointment in the middle of a bar/club? Does that sound possible? Yeah, it's true. And it's not just the one. I've been able to share my experiences with more than one person. I've been able to tell the truth about what happened. And not only is it hopefully bringing freedom to them, it's bringing freedom to my life. If I hadn't walked through the darkness...I would not be able to speak of the Light the way that I can today. I would not be able to touch the hearts of people who have recently come across my path. I'm so thankful that God has brought hope again to me...I'm so thankful that He gives me opportunity to spread that hope. I'm so thankful and awestruck to be a part of His plan.

Covered

It all comes down to trust. Trusting that God is who He claims to be. Trusting that I don't have to know everything right now. Trusting that no matter what, I am loved and cared for and completely covered by grace. Trusting that even when I don't understand, God has a plan for something good. Trusting that I don't have to be perfect. Anything else...the doubt, the worry, the fear...comes from not trusting. To all of you who have been reading the worry and wonderings of the past few days...thanks for bearing with me. I'm learning how to trust God more...and in the midst of that I'm learning how to trust myself as I walk with Him. Aren't we all?

Choices

I went out last night. I wasn't planning on it, but at 8:30 after taking a nap and finding nothing on television I couldn't sit there any longer. Even still while getting ready, I wasn't sure if I would go or not. I knew a couple of girls who would already be there. They had called to see if I was coming. They're not close friends of mine, but I hated bailing on the evening. So, an hour later, I was ready and headed out the door.

I prayed again, this week a little more unsure of my desire to go out on the town again.

There's something I love about country music and being on a full dancefloor with everyone dancing in unison. There's something I love about being in a crowd of people who are out to enjoy a good time. I have been meeting people too. It's nice to have some social interaction besides school. I've had plenty of offers to dance. I've had plenty of nice conversations. I've laughed out loud with strangers and sang along with them to the music.

Yeah, it's fun. But there seems to be a catch for me. I've been talking to God about it today.

I'm afraid that all of this will get in the way of being close to God. I'm afraid that getting involved in the things of this world will cut me short of the true things that I desire. Love. Intimacy. Real relationships. Peace. Sure, these things come in bits and pieces anywhere you go...but are they true? are they pure? are they right? In all honesty, connections made on a night out do not always stay on the dancefloor.

But then again, I'm afraid of cutting myself off from people. What if my life becomes nothing more than work and sleep? What if that leaves me without someone to reach out to? What if I end up alone, when really I didn't need to be alone at all? What if God wanted me to minister to these people?

I wonder what Jesus would have done. He spent time with the people of His day...the people who were not considered church material. He loved them. I think about that a lot.

I Woke Up Early

The morning greets me fresh and alive
through sun bathed window
opened to welcome the songs of birds
and the breeze of a warm day begun.

I sit with God
and listen after days of distraction
and evenings of perplexity
He reminds me of my desires
and my heart is at rest.

No plans for the day
and I long to stay in this moment
this place of peace and comfort
of knowing that I am with Him.

What Do You Think?

I seriously need to discipline myself in writing down kid quotes...they say some of the funniest things...and I think to myself, "it's so funny I'll remember it later." And, of course, by the time I get here...I can't remember it at all.

We were talking about the Asian culture in our small group the other day as we read a book about the Chinese New Year. My students are very interested in maps and places. As I was telling them that I knew someone in college from the country of Singapore one of the girls in the group proudly proclaimed, "well, my mom, she works with a Cappuchino lady." Still, two days later, I cannot figure out which country she was talking about.

What really got to me today, was another one of my girls. She's had a lot of trouble this year, keeping up with the rest of the class. She's also the slowest mover...the last one in line, the last one out the door. At first I thought it was a behavior problem. Now, I'm thinking it's something more. Needless to say, I've already conferenced with dad about the problem. She was present for the conference and broke down crying. This was before Thanksgiving. Since then, she has tried a lot more to get herself together. And, sadly, even though I can see her effort, I still don't see a whole lot of improvement in her work.

Anyways, every few days this particular girl will come and ask me, "Am I doing a good job today?" Today she asked me again and I, wanting her to know for herself whether she was doing well or not, asked her, "What do YOU think? Do you feel like you're doing a good job?" She said, "Yes, I think so...but I really want to hear what you think?" It was the look in her eyes and that question that stayed with me the rest of the day.

Isn't that what we all want to know? "How am I doing? Am I doing okay? Am I doing things right? Are you pleased with me?" As I write this tears are coming to my eyes. Did I even answer her question? Did she walk away knowing that no matter who she is that I still love her and still think highly of her?

Sometimes I just want to start over...knowing everything I'm supposed to know...just so I can give my best. Sometimes I just want to...well, know that I'm doing the right thing...know that I'm doing okay...that God is pleased with me...that my children are being given the best that I can give them.

Fuzzy Socks

Today was pretty stressful..I don't remember coming home this stressed out since the beginning of the school year when I was trying to manage an oversized classroom. I literally sat down today for about 15 minutes and told the kids I was done for the day. I've never done that before....in fact, I'm not even sure I'm proud of myself for it. I just couldn't handle the constant fighting between them and the lack of interest they so proudly displayed.

"Is it really this hard?" I keep asking myself. (For example...I asked one student to go to the end of line today instead of cut...common 3rd grade problem...he threw such a big tantrum that every teacher in the hallway could hear and he had to spend the rest of the afternoon in the office.) Ugh.

After cooling down, I gave them another life lecture...probably the 5th in a matter of about 3 weeks. As frustrated as I am with them...I always feel that it's important for them to hear that I love them and that I have expectations for them to do well. I have to speak life over them...encourage them somehow. I don't want them ending up a product of their environment. I think that's what's most frustrating. I want so much for them and yet I don't know how to bring them up to that level...or any level beyond what they know. How do you measure the impact that you are making on a child?

There's more to the story here too....I listened to my assistant principal teach math today. And I found myself thinking, "I wish I could teach math like this." Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right things even...if I'm actually giving the kids what they need. I don't know. I just don't know.

I drove all the way home with a wrinkled forehead and my jaw tightly closed...that is until I realized what my face must look like and then tried to relax. I didn't want to do anything but put on some comfy clothes and sit quietly for awhile. That's when I found the socks Gram sent for Christmas...sea blue, fuzzy warm socks. I ripped off the tag and put them on. And do you know what? I felt better....so much better in fact, that I twirled around the kitchen as I grabbed a snack...and then danced around the living room a bit before my roomate came back home. Nothing like a pair of fuzzy socks to wind down the day. :)

Grandma's Faith

Grandma has never been one to have a "God" conversation. She follows Grandpa to his conferences, listens to him have conversations about this minister or that minister, or God this or God that. But, secretly I don't know if she has ever felt confident about her walk. Her and Grandpa have had a hard road...but amazingly enough they have just celebrated their 50th this past month.

I remember sitting at the kitchen table over greasy eggs and bacon and bagels soaked in butter. I remember feeling the tug between sharing my faith with Grandpa and sharing comfort with Grandma. I don't know if she resented our conversations. I don't know if she just felt on the outside of the whole thing. I always felt as if somehow Grandpa seemed to disclude her...make her feel as if she wasn't good enough to enter the conversation....and still all the while I know he secretly hoped that she would have a heart change right along with her coffee and orange juice. There seemed to be too many hurts and wounds for me to dig through...to understand...in all of my aunts and uncles as well as their parents, my grandparents.

Oh, but I have always known that God had a plan for my family. I knew by the conversations I've had. My uncles would meet me out on the road as they passed through town. My aunts would share a cup of coffee at Christmastime. Grandpa would catch me on the phone. Grandma...once in awhile..would make a remark. God has marked them, called them, loved them.

Tonight Mom called with an update on Grandpa. He's getting better. Praise God. But the even more wonderful thing, is that Grandma is praying....and she's talking about praying. She's sitting as his bedside and believing God for Grandpa's healing. Sometimes, they cannot even sit in the same room...but these past couple of weeks...she is believing God for his life...holding his hand. My aunt called her from Florida...told Gram of a word of healing she had heard Benny Hinn speak...Gram was so excited about it...if you only knew Gram...you would know how amazing it is that she is grasping words of life and believing in faith for God to work. Amazing.

All I can do is thank God. I can't do a single thing, but watch Him work and thank Him for every moment, for every heart change.

Random thoughts before bed...

I have almost come to a roadblock, a quietness within that does not allow for words to express the very thoughts that are wanting to be spoken out loud. My brother is in a hostile foreign land, ministering to people as God has called him to. My grandfather lies in a hospital bed, too far away for me to visit and too deep in sleep to hear my voice. Even after six months of Florida, I am still not quite sure of my place here. I have purpose in my teaching, in being close to my parents, in keeping in touch with friends who are far away. I like my church, but I am still not connected there. I like this city, but still have no ties that would stir my desire to stay.

When does it come? When do I know that I am in the right place at the right time? When does the joy finally overflow? My brother has found his place, in moving to CO. He loves his new home, and it seems to love him as well. In just two months he has flourished...new house, new friends, new church, new life. His smile is evident every time I hear his voice on the other end of the phone. Yes, I'm a bit jealous. I want to find my place of "flourishing" as well.

I'll end with this quote tonight. I read it in a chapter of Journey of Desire while revisiting the book this week. The book convicts me of my "here and now" attitude...the attitude that keeps me from acknowledging that eternity with God is the promise that lies before us all.

"Can it really happen? Can things in our lives be green again? No matter what our creeds may tell us, our hearts have settled into another belief. We have accepted the winter of this world as the final word and tried to get on without the hope of spring. It will never come, we have assumed, and so I must find whatever life here I can. We have been so committed to arranging for our happiness that we have missed the signs of spring. We haven't given any serious thought to what might be around the corner..."

Going With God

On Friday, before going out dancing with the girls I prayed and said, "God, would you just send someone nice to hang out with for the evening?" In my own understanding it was sort of a selfish prayer. I'm not a big fan of meeting guys at a club (or even just dancing with them), but I do know there are good, safe guys out there. And being that it was country line dancing there seemed to be even more of a chance. God knows what He's doing...He answered my prayer, but I'm guessing not without His own agenda in mind. When this same guy asked me out the next night, I struggled with whether I should go or not (due to the circumstance of our meeting)...but seeing as how it was a good opportunity to make a new friend, I agreed. And again, I prayed, "God, go with me tonight. Bring opportunities to share your love." Haha. :)

I didn't even have to say a word that night to bring up a "God" conversation. Everywhere I went the conversation kept turning to God, just as naturally as the weather. I'm still laughing about it. He showed up, just like I asked. He showed up during our dinner conversation, and this guy kept saying, "I don't usually talk about religion on the first date." He showed up when we later met up with another friend at a little hole in the wall bar. Turns out this friend grew up in the same church circles where I went to college.

I'm glad I asked Him to come. I'm glad there was opportunity to share His love. I don't think I'll be going out to the clubs and bars every weekend, but going with God makes it way more exciting and fulfilling than if I ever went on my own.

Prayer

Well, after a long four day journey to Oklahoma and back...I am tired! I had a lot to say too...good stuff I thought about as I drove for the 24 hours there and the 24 hours back...but at this point I can't recall any of it. (Not much sleep this past week.)

There's a lot going on here, though. And for those of you who pray...my grandpa is in the hospital and my brother is headed to Iraq. I'm okay...it is they who need the healing and the covering. Thanks in advance. I am already trusting God for the best.

Questions

This month at school we are highlighting a book by Jon Muth called The Three Questions. In the book, a boy searches for answers to three questions: When is the most important time to do things? Who is the most important one? and What is the right thing to do?

After reading this book, only about three of four of my students were actually interested in what it had to say. The pictures are beautiful, it was just that the concepts seemed a bit over their head. So we began to have a conversation about the questions that the book asked.

Some of my students thought that they weren't the right questions to ask. Some thought the questions themselves could have been answered better. From there we began to come up with our own questions about the world and about what was important.

And so, in no certain order...these are the questions that were important to my 3rd graders:
Why is their violence around the world?
Why do parents use bad language?
Why don't people know their problems?
Why do people fight?
Why do people like candy?
Why do parents smoke?
Why don't people share?
Why don't people get along?
Why don't people love each other?
Why do people hate school?
Who IS the most important one?
How do you make a milkshake?
Where does strawberry milk come from?

From here the assignment is to write a story where the characters have to find the answers to these questions. Already, the papers are really good. I can't wait to read the finished products next week.

Hugs

Well, after getting kicked out by the custodians at 4pm today, my classroom is nowhere near ready for the arrival of the kiddos. But, nonetheless, school begins tomorrow!! I'm ready to see their smiling faces. I'm ready to give them hugs and make sure they're doing okay. Lord, help me give them what they need...FCATs are just around the corner.

In other news, I'm headed to Tulsa this weekend with Lys, who happens to be headed to ORU. I get to see my second family on Sunday. Oh the joy! Seriously, I have been waiting to hug those six kiddos and their parents since last June when I left them. :)

Last Minute

And so, another semester begins...report cards due by noon tomorrow, hallways bulletin board to be finished by the end of the day, lesson plans, sub plans for next week, cleaning the classroom. Could I have thought about this before today? Yes. Did I? No. Breaks are scheduled for a reason!! :)

Come Out of the Waiting

Well, this is a day for posting I guess. :)

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but after two weeks of resting and contemplating and dreaming again, I have come to the conclusion that it's time to actually record my music. I received this picture in the mail from one of my close friends. When I sang in her wedding, all I remember is being totally fine until it came to my time to sing. And THEN I was nervous. I'm not sure how it sounded, but I'm thinking it was a little shaky. Ugh. Anyways, when I looked at the picture it wasn't the nervousness that I remembered, it was my love of playing and being able to share with others.

I've been waiting around for only God knows what....and, of course, nothing has happened. So to those six of you who have been waiting for me to finally record my stuff, it is my new goal for the year. So if you have suggestions as to equipment and software, it would be much appreciated. This is an add on my post a few days ago. I'm going to take what I have and do what I can do. Only then can I move on to something more or something else, and probably something I never even expected.

Romance

"Even in your hobbies, has there not always been some secret attraction which the others are curiously ignorant of - something, not to be identified with, but always on the verge of breaking through, the smell of cut wood in the workshop or the clap-clap of water against the boat's side? Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling (but faint and uncertain even in the best) of that something which you were born desiring, and which, beneath the flux of other desires and in all the momentary silences between the louder passions, night and day, year by year, from childhood to old age, you are looking for, watching for, listening for? You have never had it. All the things that have ever deeply possessed your soul have been but hints of it - tantalizing glimpses, promises never quite fulfilled, echoes that died away just as they caught your ear. But if it should really become manifest - if there ever came an echo that did not die away but swelled into the sound itself - you would know it. Beyond all possibility of doubt you would say, 'Here at last is the thing I was made for.' We cannot tell each other about it. It is the secret signature of each soul, the incommunicable and unappeasable want, the thing we desired before we met our wives or made our friends or chose our work, and which we shall still desire on our deathbeds, when the mind no longer knows wife or friend or work. While we are, this is. If we lose this, we lose all."

~C.S. Lewis (quoted in The Sacred Romance)

To all of you who seek the same, may your New Year find you walking with Christ.

May you hear His voice, see His eyes, and know His heart.

This Year

This year, I...
turned 26

celebrated valentines day with 20 kingdergarteners
taught children how to read
started teaching 3rd grade
had my first disagreement with a parent (at school)
managed 26 students in one classroom
attended numerous workshops
observed the life cycle of frogs (from start to finish...well, basically)

wrote three songs
sang in a wedding
bought a piano
took guitar lessons
read books by Eldridge, C.S. Lewis, Nouwen, Bin Laden, God
went to the music store and listened to the music of guys I knew in college
brainstormed business ideas with my sister

learned how to salsa
enjoyed dancing for the first time in my life
was invited to mexico city
was inspired to really pursue Spanish and finally become fluent
went to Catholic mass
attended my roommate's graduation and felt like I graduated all over again

bought a digital camera
took a road trip from OK to FL to SC to NY to PA to NC and back to FL
visited dallas, l.a., nashville, philly, savannah, rochester, greenville
stood on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean
stood on the shores of the Pacific Ocean
got pulled over for the first time (received a warning for my headlight)
watched sharks get caught off the pier near my new apartment (scary thought!)

saw my brother three times
graduated to friend and colleague of my college professor (not just her student)
watched my "second family" grow to 6 children and spent lots of time loving them
held quite a few new babies of friends that I knew even before they were together
helped my sister and her best friend get to ORU...so excited for them!
came upon an accident and did not see the person survive
saw two soldier friends return safely home from Iraq
reconnected with a friend from primary school
gained a sister (kaitlyn...lived with us for 5 months)

said goodbye to tulsa
moved to florida (along with my goldfish)
lived with my parents
found a new church home
moved into a new apartment

joined MySpace and found friends that I've been looking for for years (and vice versa)
made a few new friends in Florida
joined 2 online relationships sites
met people on those sites
took my profile offline
decided to wait awhile and see what God does
paid way too much in cell phone bills
broke my record for text messages

laughed, cried
felt lonely
struggled
have missed people I love in NY and in Tulsa
asked, "how did i get here?" "am I supposed to be here" "what's going on?"
hoped for new opportunities
dreamed of more
told the truth
prayed for and with friends and family
heard God's voice
went out on a few dates
let go of a few relationships
found healing
learned to trust God more.

Blueprint

I am currently reading three books, which I would highly recommend to anyone.
The Wounded Healer, The Sacred Romance, and Captivating.


I talked with a dear friend last night. She shared some frustrations. I listened closely. And although she may have thought that she was the only one feeling the way she did, every word she shared echoed in my own heart. And this was the question that I continued to ask even after we hung up the phone. "How do we know when loving a person requires us either to hang on or to let go?"

Look around, how many people in this world actually stay anymore? I look around and I see parents quitting their children, teachers quitting their students, friends quitting one another, husbands leaving wives, wives cheating on husbands, lovers of Christ turning their back on the church and their faith. Why do we leave one another? Why do we look the other way? Is it easier? Does it mean that we'd rather look out for ourselves rather than the ones we promised to love?

Where is the line? When are we compromising all we hope for in Christ and when are we compromising our own dreams in order to gain Christ and share His love with others?

Are they one and the same? I don't think so. I think at some point God will call us out of our comfort zone. I believe He will challenge us to stay commited to people and places we would rather not. I believe that He will cause us to grow in those circumstances. And in those places He will bring joy and blessing. But I also believe God gives us other challenges...such as discerning the call He has placed in our hearts, such as loving others without necessarily pleasing them, such as letting go when we feel obligated or comfortable enough to hold on.

I believe God calls us to faith. And walking in faith will challenge us to trust God for every relationship, for every circumstance, for every decision. There is no formula. God is God. He does not live in a box. But He has placed His blueprint in our hearts. That is where we find Him; that is how we follow the mystery that beckons to us when we are most unsure, when we are questioning what should seem right and secure and yet only feels like a sentence to death. The blueprint leads us to life.

God, give us the eyes and the courage to follow what you alone have placed within our hearts. Help us to see when loving someone requires us to stay and when it requires that we let them go.

Florida Meets Tradition

3am...Christmas morning...Santa has still not arrived. Figures, he must know we're out of Christmas cookies.

Every year, my parents have a tradition of putting an orange in the bottom of our stockings. I think the whole thing stems back to our polish roots. Anyways, for some reason the parents have been forgetting about Christmas stockings these past couple of years. So although I have no idea where the stockings are, I have sought out the best Florida Orange fruit stand I could find...or maybe just the most convenient...and we're back in the tradition. Tonight, there are four oranges ready and waiting under the tree. Josh, don't think you're out of the running either, your orange is on its way. :)

As I was wrapping presents tonight I was listening to one of those old school, southern gospel radio stations. Once in awhile, it doesn't bother me to listen to the Gaithers for awhile....anyways, the news report came on and here is what I heard, in paraphrase: "A large number of Christian tourists have been reported to be visiting Bethlehem this Christmas. Many have been touched to see the actual place of Jesus' birth. The problem seems to be that there are so many tourists, it's hard to find a hotel room in Bethlehem." Hmmm....go figure. :)

As I sign off I am headed to sit by the Christmas tree. Have just arrived home tonight, there's a certain peace about it that's calling me to sit before I head to bed. How easy it is to forget the reason for celebrating this holiday. How easy to get so caught up in tradition and culture.

May God open all of our eyes to the wonder of Christmas. May the sound of His coming be louder than the sounds that so easily entangle us.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Abide

I went to church Sunday night. I hadn't planned to, but five minutes before 6pm I thought to myself, "well, why not?" Church is only about five minutes down the road so I wasn't very late. And wouldn't you know that there was a reason for my being there?

Everything I wrote about and all of things I have been wrestling with were addressed during the service. Simply. Amazing. I never cry when it seems like the right moment to cry. But last night I was crying in my seat simply because God was moving on my heart.

The missionary who spoke shared about David being anointed three separate times in his life. David did not go after the men who came to anoint him. Those men came to him because they were sent by God. David didn't have to become king in his own strength. God had already appointed him to be king and brought it to pass in His own time.

All of a sudden, I realized that I have been striving for things in my own strength and understanding. If God has called it to pass then it WILL come to pass...whether it is a relationship or a ministry or a career opportunity or whatever. God's will is God's will and if we abide in Him we will not miss what He has purposed for our lives.

I have not been trusting Him like I should. I have been planning my own life and I have been afraid when I have not seen my plans come to pass. What a difference it has made today just to trust God to take care of my life and bring me to place He wants me to be and to bring the people into my life that He has called to be there.

All I have to do is abide in Him.

Musical Interlude

Our class Christmas party was today. We had pizza and just about every snack food you could think of. I let the kids take their own portions...then realized I should have said something when I saw mountains of chips and bowls full of candy. These kids love food and they love to party.

I decided to print out Christmas music last night and take my guitar in to sing Christmas carols this morning. Umm..note to self...never attempt to play without practicing...we ended up singing carols acapella. :) I told the kids that I had never played Christmas music before, but that I usually played my own songs. So they begged me to play a song I had written. And there I was with another teacher, a guest reader, and all 26 kids together thinking, well, I did get myself into this. (and secretly I do want to play more often.) I warned them first that I only really know "church" songs. They still begged to hear one...even the other teacher. The guest reader is the son of a woman who is very high up on the school board here in the city...so obviously I was a little nervous knowing how church and public schools seem to get along these days. But I played and they loved it. Nothing like bringing Jesus to the classroom. :)

A couple of my girls asked why didn't I want to be a singer? I told them that secretly I do want to sing. The two of them smiled and said I could be a singer or a music teacher....I could even go on American Idol and they were sure that I'd win.

I sat here tonight and played, it's actually been a couple of months since I've had the guitar out. I really do wish that I had the right venue to further this music inside of me.

The best part of today was seeing my kids excited about the guitar. I often think to myself...if only they had the resources to learn an instrument. What would they do? They each got five minutes of alone time with my guitar. It was probably the best five minutes of the day for each of them by the smiles on their faces...and to tell you the truth...they were pretty good at sharing their turns.

The whole experience makes me reflect back to four years ago, fall semester at ORU. I had finally decided that I wanted to be a teacher. But what kind of teacher? I contemplated it, prayed about it, called my mom and talked for hours about it...but finally settled on the fact that music was to be my educational field. I was so excited and so full of hope as I walked into the music department and signed my name to papers that would get me into the music program. And then the question was asked, "What is your instrument?" i.e. "What instrument have you mastered?" I chose my voice because although I could play the guitar when leading worship, I was not that skilled. Dr. Pierce...called me into the piano room...had me sing scales (which I still loathe to this day)...and decided right away that I was not fit for the music program. I was crushed of course. But Dr. Robbins, he pulled me into his office and asked me theory questions, with which I actually did okay answering. He was kind about the whole thing and honest, saying that the music program would be a challenge, but I could do it if I worked hard. I left his office concerned about my future. I still remember what he said as I left his office, "April, the Lord is with you." I didn't make it into the music program. I didn't even make tryouts to be in the chapel choir.

And yet, there is music inside of me.

I took voice lessons about a year later. My voice teacher said, "April, you have a gift that you have buried, you need to bring it out." So I sang and I practiced. A year after that, I took guitar lessons and still dreamed of what it would be like if I could share. I just bought a piano and play at least a few times a week. What I know, I have learned through experimenting in the music rooms at college and through short seasons of basic piano lessons right after high school. Mostly, I just improv...but it sounds good, if I do say so myself.

I have friends who have made it in the music arena, who are able to just get out and share in small corners of the world. And I just don't know HOW. I think I've been waiting for someone to show me how to get out there. Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever get out there and actually do something with this gift. I wonder if I'll get better or if it will just fade away.

All this to say, I thought about music again today. I thought about touching the hearts of children and people and bringing them to a place beyond themselves. I thought about God's presence in the midst of worship. And I wondered if maybe there is still something more that I need to see...something that connects the life I am living now (or my understanding of it) to the life of God and His purposes for me.

When I was about 7 my grandparents had a guitar in their church building. I would take that guitar under a shade tree and pretend that I knew how to play. It was not until ten years later that I actually learned. But I still remember those summer days in my grandparents backyard...dreaming, singing. I still feel like that little girl in so many ways...not knowing what's ahead, but knowing that it must be some great adventure...not quite sure that I had what it takes, but still confident that at right time and place I could play an important part.

God unlock these dreams and show me how to walk. Help me to speak those things that be not as though they are. Help me, Lord, to do what you are calling me to do and to let go of the things that hold me back. Help me to see as you see.

For we walk by faith, and not by sight.

2Corinthians5:7

One Dollar

The week of Secret Santa gifts has arrived. Our maximum daily allowance? One dollar.

Who knew that so many stores actually still sold things for one dollar?! I haven't even gone to the dollar store this week and I have managed to buy candles, candy, cute little Christmas decorations. Okay, so plus tax it's been a little more...but seriously...I normally have the feeling that I need to spend lots of money to put together cute little gifts....not so this time around. It has actually been a fun challenge to see what I can get for a buck. I feel like a kid all over again, wondering how far I can spread my money.

I Want to be a Cartoon

A few of my boys were having a serious conversation about their futures today. They were sharing their drawings with each other, which happens quite often. I'd have to say that they are pretty talented for their age. W. spoke up saying he wanted to be a teacher when he got older. C. responded, "You want to be a TEACHer?" "Yeah, like Mr. McD. the math teacher," said W. Charlie looked right at him, "man, you should teach art...you're good at it." "No way," W. said seriously. All of a sudden, a little guy in the class with dreads pulled up in awkward ponytails, glasses, and an unbalanced walk, passed by the table. He said very confidently, "Well, I want to be a cartoon!" The serious conversation stopped, we all looked at each other and laughed. After pulling this little guy back to the table we decided that he could do voice overs and be the inspiration for a cartoonist's illustrations. I'm glad at least a few of them still have the ability to think outside of the box. :)

Sounds of the Season

Already, the music stations are playing non-stop Christmas music. And since I cannot see the snow or feel the ice cold air...I am listening to the familiar sounds of the season.

Tonight, I am missing a cup of Starbucks with my sweet aroma crew. I am missing ice covered sidewalks with Jen and Wen. I am missing pasta and breadsticks with Jenna. I am missing random Christmas parties. I am missing Bethel. I am missing the smell of cold air. I am missing Rochester. I am missing New York. Grandparents and aunts and uncles seem very far away. Friends from high school are moving on with their lives. My friends are having children...and their children are growing! This is my very first Christmas away from the place I have called home.

It occurs to me that at some point, permanent traditions become not so permanent. This Christmas some traditions will remain but many new traditions will begin. I will see new faces. I will feel warm air. I will stand on the beach instead of in a yard full of snow. I will be with my parents and my sister...my brother will most likely be on the other side of the country. I will put up my very own Christmas tree. I will try to send out Christmas cards on time. :) I will make Christmas cookies and maybe I will even share them with the neighbors. I will spend a good chunk of change blessing my kids...despite the challenges, I love them dearly. I will go to Christmas parties. I will go to church. I will draw close to God in this new season.

All is well.

One more box

One more box, one more pile of school papers, and all of my wall art...and then I will officially be unpacked. You would think that a four day weekend would be enough to get organized....mmmmm.....no. Somehow, I have managed to use up every moment and yet did not find any time for lesson plans. That should be fun tomorrow morning.

But here is what I've been up to.

My class size is now 15...I don't know if I said that before. What a difference a few less students can make. The other day all of the kids were together for lunch and I thought to myself...how in the world did I handle 26 at the same time? I am thankful for the new teacher that has come in to take the class. She's already teaching ME things I didn't know about third grade and she's just starting out. I can focus more on my kids now...which is nice. As long as I can get myself organized. Prioritizing seems to be the word of the season...I keep saying that I could work 24/7 and still not have enough time to finish everything I need to.

Tonight I am sitting in my newly found bedroom listening to Christmas music. This is the first time in ...let's see....quite a few years that I have had my own room....not to mention my own bathroom, which has never happened. I feel as if I can breathe and spread out and do what I need to do. It's a very peaceful feeling in this room tonight.

Thanksgiving was nice. First time in four years that I have spent it with my parents. There is no place like home for the holidays...my third graders and I have agreed to disagree on the fact that only our own "mama's" and "grandmama's" are the best cooks. My sister and I spent Friday shopping for school clothes...yes, she is planning to head to ORU in January...I'm so excited for her.

Lots of randomness this evening... :) I really do have a lot more to say. I just don't have the words or the patience to think it all out. More updates to come though.

Enjoy this holiday season. :)

The Family

Here's my family. Josh was in town last weekend. He had never been to Florida! So we took a nice walk on the beach and ate dinner at a cute little pizzaria with thin crusted, greasy, New York style pizza. 

My brother, sister, and me getting ready for a night at Riverdance. 

Moving on

I'm moving this weekend! Closer to the beach...

Today I...sat on the beach for 3 hours...fought off a swarm of what can only be described as sand flies (they won, I moved down the beach)...sketched two pictures...stopped for chai and a blueberry bran muffin at Seattle's Best...had to turn around after getting lost in my car...bought two new cd's at Wal-Mart... listened to the sounds of the ocean...people watched...read the Bible...wrote part of a story...sat and reflected on the blessings that God has brought into my life. 

Random photo from my beach blanket this afternoon. 

Pirates!!!

I had no idea that there were modern day pirates!

A Familiar Voice

My parents had company tonight...friends from out of town that I have not seen since I was a little girl. It's so nice to hear them laughing together. I am sitting in the other room and listening to their conversation. What I am enjoying the most is listening to my dad's voice. For some reason, I am reminded of myself as a young girl. I remember being sent to bed at bedtime and just sitting at the door or with my ear to the floor, listening to traces of conversation from my parents as if what they were saying was the most important thing in the world. I remember falling asleep on the couch listening to them talk with relatives or with other friends. I remember sitting in the backseat on long car rides and listening, listening for what was important...soaking in the lessons of relationship and familiarity. I didn't realize until tonight, that it has been a long time since we have all just sat and talked together. It must have been comforting back then to hear the conversations of my parents, because it is comforting to me now. I am hearing pieces of their lives I do not hear in everyday conversation. I am remembering pieces of them that I love.