I love 3 day weekends.

Jilli and I went to Dallas this past weekend for some good shopping. On the way home, late saturday night, we took bets on our time of arrival. (The loser had to feed the fish..big risk). Turns out both of us were wrong, we didn't count on arriving at the scene of an accident.

We could hardly see the large tree branches covering both lanes of the dark country road. But as an suv turned around on the other side of the road we noticed the branches as well as a security car that had run head on into a tree. The suv disappeared down the road. But the security car's lights were off and we weren't sure whether it had been there for awhile or whether the accident had just happened. Within seconds, another man came walking across the road from his home. He said that he had heard the accident 15 minutes before. He asked for our cell phone and dialed 911. He looked into the security car and confirmed that, yes, there was someone inside. Jilli and I got out of the car, climbed over the wall of fallen branches, and made our way to the car. I didn't dare look inside. All I could do was just pray under my breath and wait for the emergency vehicles to arrive. We were told by the dispatcher not to take anyone out. In the two minutes that we waited two more cars almost ran into the barricade of trees. We made the second one back up and put on their hazards to prevent any further accidents.

We helped the policemen clear some of the branches. As we did, the firemen pulled the security guard from his car. From where I stood about fifty feet away I couldn't tell if the man was still alive or not. He was large and stereotypical looking for his profession. His face was the whitest I have ever seen. I just stood there and thought about how silent everything had been since our arrival. The firemen performed cpr, hooked him up to a machine, but after a couple of minutes walked away to take care of other business. A simple no from the police officer confirmed what I already had guessed. The security guard did not survive his early morning accident.

If we had arrived any earlier, it could have been us. It was the suv and the reflection of the security car that warned us to stop in front of the fallen trees. Earlier in the evening, Jilli and I had already been talking about God working all things together for our good. We had gotten lost for an hour in Dallas before we came home. We had stopped quite a few times for bathroom breaks along highway 75. At the last stop I went in alone to buy a Frappucino and some Reisons. The woman at the counter asked me to stay a couple of extra minutes to find out if her credit card machine was up and running again. I agreed. After getting back into the car I joked with Jilli that we had stopped for a "reason" (ie..the candy). Little did we know that God really was ordering our steps all the way home.

It's funny...every day we make choices that seem to make little difference. It's easy to forget that the seemingly insignificant choices and moments may be keeping us from or leading us toward more significant moments. It's easy to forget that God is sovereign. He is always protecting us, always ordering our lives.

I will end my long monday morning entry with this thought...Yesterday at church, my pastor shared this word..."You may feel as if your life is scattered, but know this, God is strategically placing you in the place that you need to be." Words of life that I needed to hear. Words to sum up the events of this past weekend. It is good to be reminded that every moment of every day He is working on our behalf.

What is your purpose in life?

And before you give the expected Christian-e answer, stop and really consider the question.
It's a given:
We are ALL here on earth to know Christ.
We are ALL here to bring glory to God.
We are ALL here to fulfill the great commission.

But why is each one of us here specifically?
Why did God plan for YOU before the creation of the world?
What is significant about YOU?

What is in your heart?
What makes you feel most alive?
When do you feel that you are closest to God?

As I considered this tonight, I thought of the examples of others who have fulfilled their purposes here on this earth. Abraham Lincoln, expanded the definitions and perceptions of freedom. Mother Teresa placed worth on the lives of those who felt none. Oprah Winfrey brings opportunity, insight, and resources to those who otherwise might not have it. I could go on and on. There is a common thread here though and that is that freedom has come to others through the lives of these people...freedom to live without oppression, freedom to realize dreams, freedom to move beyond despair, freedom to KNOW God.

Because isn't that what God has intended for us all along?

So let's rephrase the question? How does your life bring freedom to others?
Better yet, how does the life of God flow through you and in turn bring life to others?

What makes a place feel like home? Can a classroom feel like home? Should a classroom feel like home? I contemplated these questions as I watched the sun rays fall through the window of my classroom. My favorite time of day is the quiet of the afternoon after the kids have all gone home. All of a sudden, there is quiet and peace and time to think.

The sun rays reminded me of home. I thought to myself, if I were the mother of these children what would I want for them? Number one, I would want them to feel at home. Number two, I would want them to be safe. Number three, I would want them to be motivated to learn. Number four, I would want them to have great resources for their learning.

So I asked myself, am I giving these things to my students? For the most part, I think so. But being a first year teacher it seems as if I stumble over good practices rather than plan them ahead of time.

It's not that school is supposed to be a picture of home. It's a place of learning. But at the same time, kindergarten is an important place to learn about relationships, community, problem-solving. It is a transition from home to the outside world.

What makes a good home? What makes a good classroom? Here is my starting list of the similarities.

1. prayer (granted I cannot lead them in prayer, but I can pray for them)
2. laughter
3. time to listen to one another
4. an atmosphere of understanding
5. family members/friends
6. a safe place to cry
7. a safe place to learn right from wrong
8. a safe place to explore new ideas
9. a place of provision, where needs are taken care of
10. a place where a person is encouraged to grow

Every day, this is the list that runs through my head. And I fail each time. But I'm learning the balance, and I'm learning how to listen, how to respond, how to deal with each child individually and according to their needs.

God has a hard job. I only have nineteen kids. And the more I work with them, the more I realize how individual they are. Each one has a unique approach to life. Each one learns differently, is motivated differently, responds differently to their environment. Each one needs time each day to be loved and encouraged.

I don't know how, God, but show me how. I can't stand the thought of failing these kids.

It's 12:30am and I can't resist saying something about the holiday that is upon us before I head to bed. I am not heartbroken this year that I do not have a valentine. In fact, I feel indifferent towards this day of love. Instead of romance and butterflies, I feel this huge void, a void that I was made aware of when S. left and then again when things fell apart with C. My idea of love has been a huge disappointment. It has not worked out as I had planned or as I had hoped. Those that I have loved or adored or held close have walked away or disappeared. And all of sudden my full plate looks empty, devoid of the pleasures I longed to taste. There are moments recently when the full weight of the void hits me. The message comes through as I find myself longing for someone or something. The void takes on faces and names. But I am becoming aware that the void cannot be filled by those someones or somethings. The truth is, I was created to be filled with the life and the love of God. He is the only perfect fit, the only fulfiller of dreams and desires. But I have no idea how this works. I have no idea how to let God love me in a real way. All I have is head knowledge, all I have are the testimonials of others, all I have is the faith that says, "it can happen, I hope it happens to me". What I truly desire is a recharging of the heart. I desire life to come back. With everything in me, I just want to know that I am for real and that God is pleased with me.

Fill my heart again
with the rains
with the sun
You know my shape,
my form
Awaken my desire and
show me Your love

Finally, the end of a long week....Valentines Day comes next week, which means sugar highs for at least two to three days following. After this past week, I think I can handle it. :) The kids are so cute with their excitement about the upcoming holiday. I'm working up the excitement. :) Not too much action for the teacher this year.

I learned a valuable lesson today. Lack of sleep equals low supply of patience while interacting with kindergartners. I used to be able to handle five to six hours of sleep at night. I used to be able to roll out of bed without too much of a problem and handle the day's activities. Not anymore. This morning I saw a marked difference in my tolerance and multi-tasking levels. Something about three five year olds pushing for my attention at the same time, while I am helping another to understand his work, while the phone is ringing, while another student is crying. Yeah, not so good for a sleep deprived teacher. So here I am....signing off at approximately 10:40pm...which after reading for a bit puts me to sleep at about 11:30 pm. That's one hour extra tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow we can fit another one in there. Looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. :)

The soldiers are home!

"when we will look back on these times, we will realize with the deepest of convictions that this was the moment simple existence ended... we woke up,and began to truly live life."

Pip

To Pip: You have summed up the hearts of so many around you. When I read your blog tonight my heart said "yes" and I smiled. Somewhere, in the midst of our brokeness and our searching, we are learning to live.

This morning I woke up and thought about my friend L. I have known L. since the beginning of my stay here in Tulsa. I met her in the room across from mine my first semester at college and soon afterwards she invited me to TPH. My first visit to TPH was refreshing and held reminders of home. That is why I stayed at this church for three and a half years. During that time L. and I became good friends. She brought with her laughter, deep thought, and soul searching creativity. L. was also the lead singer of a band. They were local but I knew they could go places far beyond T-town. If I had had the resources to invest in them, I would have sent them to wherever they needed to go. If I had known the ins and outs of music business I would have helped them through the red tape maze. With all my heart I believed in their message. They could play in any club or bar and bring people to their knees. When L. sang, she grabbed the attention of dark corners and hardened hearts. Her voice carried beyond church walls to a place that spoke of knowing God and being known by Him.

Some of my favorite moments with L. were the moments when we were singing. About a year into TPH I joined the worship team alongside her. At first, I was intimidated by the thought of my voice comparing to hers. The fear was shortlived, however. L. was not the intimidating type.

After three and half years at TPH, I decided that it was time for me to go. God had been speaking long before that, but it took awhile to actually realize it was Him and then to be obedient. I hated leaving without giving an explanation to the others in the congregation, especially L. I wanted to tell her the circumstances. I wanted to make her understand, but I knew it was not my place.

There had been a dark cloud over me at TPH. Staying had hindered my growth in so many ways. As I pondered all of this my heart broke for L. I would see her every so often at the coffeehouse where she worked close to my apartment. Our conversations were brief and almost always interuppted. I wanted so badly to tell her what I was going through. I saw her going through the same thing. Her band had died, her art was fading, she talked about feeling confused and lost. But how could I convince her to leave? I decided to continue to pray and leave it up to the Lord to lead her out. And then she left for another job location and I thought, "Well, I won't see her again for awhile."

As I got ready for church I thought about writing to L. or giving her a call. Was it worth it? Should I just let it go and move on? In the rush of the morning, I pushed the debate from my mind and headed out. My roomate and I arrived fifteen minutes late and sat in the back row. The service was good and being the first Sunday of February we shared communion after the sermon. I watched row after row file out ahead of ours to receive the elements. And that's when I saw her, L. was returning to her seat.

My eyes filled with tears. I watched as the worship service ended. I watched as the people around L. headed out the door. And then I walked to her seat and put my arm around her. It was a moment I have rarely tasted, the kind that you hope for but wait what seems like a lifetime to actually see, a moment of friends finding each other on the other side a long, hard season. There were tears in both of our eyes. L. told me that she had left TPH. She spoke some of the same words that I had spoken seven short months ago...words of uncertainty and regret, words of hope, determination, and newfound wisdom.

There are over 1,000 churches in T-town. And today L. and I ended up at the same one. I asked her about her music and she told me that she had begun to sing again. She told me that she was waking up in a world where she was free to follow her heart and free to hear the voice of God for herself. She was waking up and the cloud that had hovered for so long had begun to lift.

The evidence of God's faithfulness is everywhere. Every sunrise, every season, every rainstorm is a reminder of His commitment to our lives. Today, it was good to see Him again. And the funny thing is, I knew this day would come but I didn't know that I would see it with my own eyes. I am so thankful right now. God knows the deep cries in my heart and He is answering them. This helps me to wait as I hope to see the salvation of those I have been praying for for so long. It helps me to wait as I search for a place to settle and as I wait for my family to be settled. It helps me to wait, knowing that one day I will wake up, be on my way, and suddenly I will see the man that God has planned to bring across my path for so long.

You help me to wait, Lord, and you renew my strength.

I sat at Camille's with my roomate tonight and discussed life decisions...yet again. The future seems to be our main topic of conversation as of late. Where should we go? What do we really want to do? Who do we really want to be near? Clues are beginning to filter in. Small traces of direction seep into our conversations, leaving me to contemplate our words long after. I told her that I am almost tired of this trying to figure things out. I find it exhausting, overwhelming, two-sided. I just wish the answers would finally come. But I also realize that the process of this search is causing my heart to be mended and reshaped. It is causing me to draw closer to God and question the deeper things that are going on. That's more important than any change in circumstances.

It all comes down to this. Yes, there are specific geographic places that I am weighing against one another. But these specific places are not what I am looking for; it is what lies within these places. What I really desire are meaningful relationships, belonging to a community of believers, fulfilling my purpose in whatever capacity that may be. In all reality, these could be found in any small corner of the world. And to tell you the truth, I don't really care where it is. I just want it to be somewhere and I don't want to miss out on it.

Email of the day:

Hey this a quick e-mail to say the next time i talk to ya i'll be in the U.S.A.
So don't reply to this e-mail. I'll be looking forward to seeing everyone as
soon as possible.
Joe

Joe has been in Iraq for a year. He's finally coming home...safe and sound. This good news has been a long time coming. God is faithful.

ps- I now have a two-stepping dance partner! Yeah! :)

"Without a purpose our only motivation is reward and punishment."

How do you help a kindergartner find their purpose?

I reflected on this last night as I sat in class. I saw the faces of my kindergarten students. I heard the words that I have spoken as I have taught them. Dr. M., my university professor, often warned of using behaviorism. Even now, when she comes for observations, she points out that students must be inwardly motivated to do the right thing. Little by little, I am seeing her point. I HATE being a mean teacher. But what I hate even more is allowing chaos in my classroom. The result? Classroom discipline. The obvious choice to most teachers is some kind of reward and punishment system. Dr. M., so far, has looked down at my attempts. With nineteen five and six year olds bouncing off the walls time does not always allow for pulling a student aside to discuss behavior. What I want is for them to be self-controlled and kind to one another without having to be reminded. I forget sometimes that they are in my classroom to learn these skills. So how do I unlock the internal motivators? If I can figure this out, it might be life changing to teach children without holding punishments or rewards over their head every second of the day.

Sold

Well, it's pretty much official. The papers were signed this evening. Not sure where the family is heading now. We are all still praying for direction. To those of you back home...I would love your prayer support for the fam. I was remembering the good times in this house with mom tonight. I was remembering the gatherings during the good old MCC and BASIC days. Boy, we had fun. Walks to Charlotte Beach, cookouts, pool parties, nights we just sat in the garage and worshiped, enjoying the backyard swing. This was a good place to be.

The worst part of leaving this house will be leaving the piano. I had told God before we moved to Rochester that I really wanted a piano in the house. And for real, folks, it came with this house and it brought music into our family. My dad would sit for the longest time and just play. Even as he played, single note by single note, peace would drift through the house. And I would play and I would feel as if I was pouring my heart out on those keys. I cannot even begin to explain the ministry of this piano...or rather the ministry of God through it. I miss the piano already. It is the only thing, so far, that I have shed tears over as my parents talk about moving.

John with Iraqi National Guard

My friend John sent this picture to me today along with his experience of the elections while serving in Iraq.

"The whole experience was nice. We guarded the camp and had six hour shifts apiece. Luckily I got the 12:00pm to 6:00pm! Not a whole lot happened. Well, I say not a whole lot but we recieved some rockets that about gave me a heart attack. I was on duty and we got hit and then I heard another rocket coming in and it sounded like it was headed straight for me. Talk about your close calls. Luckily no one was hurt! We also had a few dud rockets that came in. I was laying in bed and we had all the lights out. I saw two flares and it looked like they were moving and come towards us and then I heard another rocket. I thought we were done for but I guess itwas a dud also. I thought I had been nervous before but nothing like those twoincidents. For the most part the election went well. There were very fewattacks and that says something for the security of the country! It may not be all that secure but we have definetly made progress and that's all that can be asked."

Every time I look at this picture it is like looking at the face of a newborn. I feel hope and concern and joy all at the same time. Our generation has been fighting for the freedom of these men and the country they represent and now defend. Our men and women have died so that these men would have the chance to live. Courage and Bravery. I am challenged as I live among those who would lay down their lives for a cause that is bigger than their own understanding. I am humbled, knowing that my own brother and friends walk the line between life and death in order to preserve this freedom. God has placed freedom in our hearts. He has given it to us in order that we may choose Him without reservation. And we must, in turn, share the gift we have been given.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord

Praise the Lord, O my soul.

I will praise the Lord all my life;

I will sing to my God as long as I live.

Do not put your trust in princes,

in mortal men, who cannot save.

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob,

whose hope is in the Lord his God,

the Maker of heaven and earth,

the sea, and everything in them--

the Lord, who remains faithful forever.

He upholds the cause of the oppressed

and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets the prisoners free,

the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

the Lord loves the righteous.

The Lord watches over the alien

and sustains the fatherless and the widow,

but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever,

Your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the Lord.

I am glad that God is faithful, even when we are faithless. I am glad that He remembers, even when we forget. I am glad that God loves us, even when we do not understand His love. I am glad. I'm going to try to remember His goodness in the middle of the school day, when the kids are less than perfect and wearing on my last bit of patience. I'm going to try to remember the ways in which He draws me out, so that somehow I can pull them into this thing called learning. I'm going to try to remember above all to encourage them and smile at them and value their perspectives. Lord show me how to teach them better.

Saying goodbye is not easy...only inevitable. And as much as you prepare for those final moments, they can still bring with them unexpected intensity. I helped a friend clean their apartment tonight as they packed to leave for a new city. This is one of the last friends to pack up from T-town and leave for life beyond the towers. It is the end of a season; I'm not sure that I want it to end.

I am so thankful for the friendships that God has given me. Each one is precious and each one has taught me something different about life. This friend in particular has, without knowing, pushed me to want better things for my life. They have passed on confidence, and laughter, and perspective that I did not have before. I am truly grateful. I will look back on this season and remember how friendships can grow in the most unlikely of places. If I had remained ignorant and afraid, I would not have known the joy and the comfort of this friend. Instead, I have been challenged and enlightened. I have learned about someone else and I have matured in the way I walk through relationships.

I don't want to let go! But if there is anything I have learned in all my years of moving and starting over it is that letting go is one of the most important keys to life. Letting go enables us to move on. Letting go inspires change and growth. It causes us to know more than we knew before. It gives us the chance to go beyond where we thought the limits once were.

And so, dear friend, thank you for your time and for your friendship. I wish you well and I pray that you perceive and embrace the abundance and the love of God that covers your life.

"Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land."

~Song of Solomon 2:10-12~

I walked in a snow covered garden today and passed by a bench with this inscription. Maybe it was the moment, maybe it was the culmination of many days before, but it spoke to my heart. These are the words I have longed to hear and did not even know it until they were right in front of me.

At the suggestion of my friend Bethany, I have decided to reflect this morning on the things that I am thankful for. Here they are in no certain order.

sleeping in on Saturday mornings
fall leaves
the smell of spring
the smell of fall
the smell of the ocean
the smell of dryer sheets
my brother Joshua
my sister Alyssa
loving parents
listening to Dad play the piano
mom on the other end of the phone at any given time of day
the comfort of my bed (lots of cushion)
candles
Starbucks' chai lattes
my roomate Jilli
Sunday afternoons spent with Jilli at Starbucks contemplating God and life
the pier at Charlotte Beach
mint chocolate chip ice cream
kindergarteners
my guitar
my laptop
the sound of a piano
the sound of morning doves
quiet moments of worship
being home with friends who break out the worship music at any moment
"the farm" (where I grew up)
road trips
orchids
Christmas trees
my goldfish (Swish)
my friend Maria (who continues to show me how love changes things)
Angela (who has shown me the gift of giving)
Zoe (who's friendship has proven to be a treasure)
large bodies of water
mountain ranges
cuddling up in the afghan mom made for me
a friendly volleyball game
the green bench in the middle of ORU prayer gardens
the Krug family who has taken me in as one of their own
Cracker Barrel restaurants
sweet ice tea
shoes
Chi flat irons
dark chocolate
email
handwritten letters
surprise packages
clean laundry
long walks
untouched patches of snow
my friends in Rochester who love God and who continue to encourage me to seek after the Lord
friends here in Tulsa who make sure that I am well taken care of

Wow, I could go on and on here...but these are off the top of my head. Good call, Bethany. We are blessed. This is only skimming the surface. Think of all the times "I was this close to..." or "just when I thought..." or "I never thought..." or "All of a sudden..." and on and on. The story of our lives is orchestrated so beautifully. Who wants to go through the valley? Who volunteers to feel hurt and disappointment? But without the pain, we would not feel the fullness of the beauty or the blessing. God will bring us through. He alone is our hope and our security.

You have lead me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On my back, bruised and nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death, like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear You aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that is Yours

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Jars of Clay

One of the little boys in my class (we'll call him Stuart) lost his rock today. By the sound of his crying you would have thought that he had lost something much more important. Another boy had found the rock just minutes before, picked it up, and then threw it into the grassy field next to our school building as we walked from the computer lab back to our outdoor classroom.

It was one of those dramatic moments where there was only one me with two places to be at once. My whole class had already gone inside while Stuart stood alone outside on the verge of a meltdown over his lost rock. Now Stuart is not one to come when called. It takes a lot of convincing. He would not take the hand of his friends who tried to coax him back to the classroom. He would not respond to my teacher words such as "Stuart if you don't get up here now..." I could not leave my class alone and yet I could not leave him alone outside either. Finally, and I'm not sure why, he crossed the hundred yards back to where I was standing, still crying and still very much wanting to look for his rock.

In order to calm him down, I promised him that we would all go look for the rock later. When he explained what his rock looked like, so we could be sure to find the right rock, he told us that it was the one that looked like a rhinoceros' skin. Wow, maybe it really was special.

As I think about all of this, I am remembering another dramatic moment in our classroom about a week ago. It was the day that I learned hot glue really can reassemble an oyster shell. It was Stuart again, seems his backpack had been through a brutal foot stomping exercise. And inside was a shell that he had brought to show and tell for the past three weeks. Stuart found out that he had good friends that day. I would have thrown the broken remains of the shell away. Three girls in the classroom came to the rescue and pretended they were doing a puzzle. Aterwards, they asked me for the hot glue gun. Wow, my kindergarteners are smart.

Shells and rocks...treasures worth keeping with you all day long, special enough to cry over when lost, truthful enough to show you friends. Simplicity. Lord, give me understanding of such things.

Can I just say that I love 70 degree weather in the middle of January? Summer is on the brink and the thought of winter is almost a forgotten memory. Every day for the past week, we have been outside for recess without coats! This is one reason not to leave Tulsa. To those of you on the east coast, I do not miss the snow part of you. I am sure that if you were here you would feel the same.

"But that seems to be my life recently."

I keep saying this to myself when I look around and see the need for change. How long has it been this way? I'm not quite sure. But, for real, it is time to set some things in order.

Admittedly, it has been almost two weeks since I've picked up my guitar. Poor girl she needs more practice. So I picked her up tonight and I couldn't remember how to play this new arrangement of Breathe. "Argghh," I thought, "I'll have to go to my lesson again without being an expert at the homework I was given to work on." But was that really the point of starting my lessons? Was it to impress some instructor who sees me for thirty minutes a week? No. So I am questioning this lack of playing. Am I too busy? Am I preoccupied? Do I really love to play as much as I think I do?

In addition, I am quite unsatisfied with how a lot of things are running at the moment. I thrive on organization, but I cannot seem to get organized. There is clutter here and piles there. There are dirty dishes in my car and school books on my bedroom floor. My classroom is slightly better, but it is not the picture of perfection that lives inside of my head. I used to chalk this up to my free spirited personality, but it's starting to drive me nuts.

My days often turn out dull and unfulfilled. Lack of discipline could be at the root of this...sad but true. Sometimes, I feel as if this great cloud blocks my view of what's really going on. I have looked away from the things that are truly important and have forgotten the joy and the fullness that they bring to my life...the guitar being only one example. Maybe it is this admittance that is the first step. Maybe. I think I know though. It's really that I have neglected the One who brings true life. Well, not totally, but yes a whole lot. In all of my hurt over the past year, I found a new side to this walk of faith. It is foreign and requires strength I'm not sure I have yet.

Without fear of reproach or rejection

You have called me to walk by your side

Duty does not raise its voice

And others who threw rocks of guilt and shame

have been silenced by their own misery

This new understanding breathes life

Lord, raise my eyes to yours

smile and say my name

Hold my hand and steady my pace

as my feet walk the path once again.

Silence takes the place of my words. It is good to be quiet, and better not to read between the lines.

Tonight was a good night for reflecting. The weather was clear, I was in my car, and the long drive seemed a good mix with Shane Bernard kicking out some Psalms. Two main things were on my mind. The first, being the issue of where in the world I should go. The second, being an issue of seeing love in a whole new light.

To start with the first, I have say that I am blessed to even have the option of going anywhere in the world to live my life. I mean, I really could. I could teach overseas, I could teach in the city, I could teach in the country. I could live in any state, apply at any school. It's almost overwhelming. So, I am really contemplating the places that stick out most to me and these are it in no certain order:

1. I could stay in Tulsa. I already have a great job, an amazing church, the only aerobics instructor who has ever succeeded in motivating me to work out :) , some good friends (who at any time can and probably will move away at some point).

2. I could move back home to NY. The last time I was at home I felt as if I belonged again. It felt so good. There was purpose in my visit. I felt connected with my close friends (who seem pretty committed to staying in the area). I also felt close to God. My family is there and I miss them. Of course, they could be moving soon too.

3. My roomate is convinced that Cali is the place to be. And, oh, how I wish that I was as convinced as her. I love southern Cali. The weather is beautiful, the landscape is gorgeous, the people are pretty laid back, and the shopping is great!

4. Nashville, TN. I know nothing about this place. I do not know anyone there. It just sounds like a fresh start. I find it worth considering.

So these are my options. On any given day I lean towards one or the other. Each has its own experiences to bring to the table. Each has its own package of "unknown fears" to keep me from going too far in my consideration. I find myself asking, "God, which one would You choose?" I want to set down roots. I want to belong in a place and know my purpose in being there. I want to grow in my calling and be fruitful. Some would say you could do that anywhere, and yes, I agree you could. I just want to know where my "anywhere" is.

So on to the next contemplation, as if this entry isn't already long enough. I was thinking tonight about a good friend of mine. Our friendship started out a bit rocky but somehow we remained friends and have now known each other for about 2 years. In the beginning, and even up until a few months ago, I would have brushed him aside as just some guy wanting my attention. But all of a sudden I realized that he has been my FRIEND. In the midst of me trying to "play it safe" and not give too much of myself into the relationship, I did not realize how valuable he was. He has always gone out of his way to make sure I was well taken care of...whether it was buffing scratches off of my car or helping to dry my tears after returning the kitten I couldn't keep. Of course, just recently, a lot has changed in our relationship. For awhile, I was the one who received all of his attention (at least that's how I felt). Now, the reality of moving on has set in. He is seeing someone else. And I miss him, really miss him. Now do not read between the lines here. I'm not in love with this guy. I have always known that we could only be friends. He is not the one for me. That being said, I now admit that he has taught me how to be a better friend. He has taught me how to love in a way that I haven't known before. B/c he never asked for anything in return. He just constantly gave of himself and never held it over my head. He gave me what I could not give him. And standing on the other side of all of this, I realize what a gift I have been given. And I can't even hold onto to it. I have to let it go. But it is love just the same, and its a beautiful thing.

Word of the Week

(dictionary.com)

Fullness

Containing all that is normal or possible.
Complete in every particular.
Being at the peak of development or maturity.
Totally qualified, accepted, or empowered.
Having an appetite completely satisfied.
Providing an abundance.
Having depth and body.
The maximum or complete size or amount.
The highest degree or state.

1: completeness over a broad scope [syn: comprehensiveness]

2: the property of a sound that has a rich and pleasing timbre [syn: mellowness, richness]

3: the condition of being filled to capacity

4: greatness of volume [syn: voluminosity, voluminousness]

Okay, so maybe I went a little overboard on the definition of this word. I like to do the occassional word search. Fullness has been bouncing around for the last couple of weeks. I've been thinking about how much I want to walk in this state of being at all times. God promises that with Him we will walk in fullness. He promises that we will lack for no good thing, and that our hearts will be satisfied. I know that I have not reached this place yet. But I long for it. I long to be out of debt. I long to be settled and living out my life with purpose. I long to live in abundance taking care of my own matters while always being able to give towards the needs around me. I long to be able to truly say, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul." I long to be able to really believe it and share it's substance with those around me.

I am beginning to see the change. I am beginning to see the details unfold in my life. Even in my kindergarten classroom the learning and ideas are coming together. I am on the verge of not only treading water but actually swimming to safety. Step by step, moment by moment life is coming back.

For this reason

I bow my knees

to the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ...

that He would grant you,

according to the riches of His glory,

to be strengthened with might

through His Spirit

in the inner man,

that Christ may dwell in your hearts

through faith;

that you,

being rooted and grounded in love,

may be able to comprehend

with all the saints

what is the width and length and depth and height-

to know the love of Christ

which passes knowledge;

that you may be filled

with all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:17-19

My prayer for the new year... to walk confidently with God and to be settled. He draws me back. I want to know HIM. I want those around me to know HIM. And forget the religous red tape, forget it. My struggle this past year has had a lot to do with questions about the heart of God. And truly, He has been faithful even as I have become faithless. I am thankful that His mercies are new every morning. I am thankful that He makes the crooked places straight. I am thankful that He is who He said He is and that He is patient with me in my search.

Over New Year's I celebrated with a new crowd of people in Baltimore, MD. I was not at church, I was not among Christian friends. I was out in the world with people who were living their lives the best they knew how without the hope that God loved them. And I loved being there. And I asked God, "God, how do you reach these people?" Because within the past few months, even I, with strong roots in Christianity, with a heart towards God, had cause to doubt that this life of faith might be for me. How do you reach a generation of kids who live from hearts that have been hurt and broken and hardened. How in the world do you reach out and give them hope? They commune together in bars and in clubs, they reach for empty, broken, unfulfilling relationships, they listen to driving music that asks the questions but gives no answers. They are driven to succeed, to fill their emptiness with money, power, alcohol, drugs, sex, things, as if somehow the American dream will lead them to peace, to the place they long for but cannot describe. Some do not even know they have need of Him. He is a comfort but He is not their life. A few times, I caught the eyes of this one guy that night. And whenever he was looking at me it was as if he was asking a question. He had a girlfriend, and I was there with his friend so it was not a romantic question. It was as if his heart recognized the Spirit of God. It was as if some sort of exchange was going on that had no need of words. I wonder if he even knew, but I trust that someday he will "know".

O God, show me the way and help me to show others Your way.

..Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
and in the hidden part You will me to know wisdom.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice...

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

Restore unto me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.

Then I will teach trangressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You....

Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
Psalm 51

Psalm 65

Praise is awaiting you, O God in Zion;

And to You the vow shall be performed.

O You who hear prayer,

To You all flesh will come.

Iniquities prevail against me;

As for our transgressions,

You will provide atonement for them.

Blessed is the man you choose,

And cause to approach You,

That he may dwell in Your courts.

We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,

Of Your holy temple.

By awesome deeds in righteousness You will answer us,

O God of our salvation,

You who are the confidence of all the ends of the earth,

And of the far-off seas;

Who established the mountains by His strength,

Being clothed with pwer;

You who still the noise of the seas,

The noise of their waves,

And the tumult of the peoples.

They also who dwell in the farthest parts are afraid of your signs;

You make the outgoings of the morning and evening rejoice.

You visit the earth and water it,

You greatly enrich it;

The river of God is full of water;

You provide their grain,

For so You have prepared it.

You water its ridges abundantly,

You settle its furrows;

You make it soft with showers,

You bless its growth.

You crown the year with Your goodness,

And Your paths drip with abundance.

They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,

And the little hills rejoice on every side.

The pastures are clothed with flocks;

The valleys also are covered with grain;

They shout for joy, they also sing.

Two weeks of vacation flew right by and yet, coming back to this place, I feel like I have been gone for a long time. It's just not the same. I'm not the same.

A new layer in my heart is unfolding, preparing itself to be dealt with. Relationships and friendships are beginning to take different shapes and move around a bit. Because of this, I am feeling insecure and almost hopeless that someday I will find that friend who won't go away. But seriously, at some point, we all go away. And when it comes to that point in our lives where we have to stand with no one else around, how do we deal with that heart wrenching fear of being alone? I hate it, I hate being alone. I've been hiding that simple truth for quite some time. There have been circumstances to distract me...prospects for relationships, the promise of a road trip, busy life stuff. I find it staring me in the face this week. The friends I have counted on are turning their own ways. We are just at that point in life, the point of choosing a road and walking down it without looking back.

Pondering all of this, I remembered how I had connected with Julia Roberts in The Runaway Bride. Every relationship she entered into defined who she was, right down to how she liked her eggs cooked for breakfast. Now, I do not claim to be that dependent on another for my opinions. However, I am looking at my past relationships...the fact that I have never dated a Christian, the fact that I have allowed myself to be the victim, the fact that I have compromised my heart time and time again. I want so badly to be accepted for who I am. I want so badly to know that when it comes down to the minute details the other person will not choose to walk away. I want it so badly that I override what I am wanting most of all in order to let the other person know that I love them and accept them, no strings attached. And what happens? We miss one another. He still walks away. And I am left here wondering, who AM I? The memories, the places, the songs, the details...they all follow me, getter under my skin, cause me more grief than when I started.

How in the world do people find one another? How does this love thing work? How do I know what's worth fighting for and what I need to leave behind? I hate leaving those I love behind; I hate being left by them. Ugh.

Belonging...a feeling I have often taken for granted. How good it is to be among friends and family; to be with those who I have held in my heart for so long. I am praying for the moments to slow down. I am praying for answers in this place where God's love is evident and strong. I am praying that I can open my heart and truly enjoy those around me. I am praying. He is close and I remember where I have come from. I remember and I am glad. There is peace in the place.

Home

I felt it again, that twinge in the pit of my stomach. As I sat across from a friend I had not seen in awhile, I was reminded of my spoken standards. I was reminded that I wanted more. I was reminded that there are others who hope for what I have almost given up on. I was reminded that, yes, love is possible. And not only love, but love that comes from knowing God. His is the best love. And yet I have already made a decision. I have an obligation to stick to my word. No, I have not committed my heart as of yet. No, I have not made life altering promises. But I am on the verge and I am afraid of my response when faced with the questions. Should I have said yes? Should I have been so open, so sincere? Where is wisdom and where is compromise? How do I share God's love without making myself vulnerable? As if that was even possible. How do I know when to stay and when to walk away? How do I get back on track? Am I on the right track? I can understand how Israel strayed. I never understood it before, but, now, faced with real life stuff, I can see the choice. Obviously, the choice is God, obviously. But, how and why and where and when?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowlege Him

and He WILL direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5,6

This year is almost at its close. A lot has happened, so much has changed. Out of the ashes, and through the fog, this is what rises up and resonates in my heart... I want to know God. I don't want to "think" that I know Him. I don't want to hide from knowing Him. I don't want to falsely claim that He is who I "hope" He is. I just want to know Him, to be sure and confident of His presence, to be sure and confident of His nature, to be sure and confident in the decisions that I make, to be sure and confident to live out this life He has given me to live. I want to know Him. Let it be so and let everything that stands in the way be moved.

Letting Go

Vivid pictures and emotions rise to the surface of my heart. I see relationships that have gone awry, attached to faces permanently etched into my memory. I see dreams, old, broken, and lost that never came to pass. I see the innocence of childhood and places that I have loved. I see my family and friends, far away, living their lives as they were meant to, as I live here where I was meant to.

Letting go has become a choice. It used to be the after effect of circumstances beyond my control. It used to bring with it a feeling of hopelessness. It used to be a place I returned to over and over again. It used to bring with it confusion, tug of war, and so many questions. But now, now, I am beginning to see a different side of things. Letting go brings freedom. A breathe of fresh air. A reason to see change. A hope for better things to come.

As I walk this path before me, I long for life. A Proverb in the Bible says that hope deffered makes the heart sick, but that hope fulfilled is a tree of life. I have seen many reasons for heartache, but this I know, God will perfect those things which concern me. That alone is my reason to move on and to never look back.

My parent's house in on the market today. This will be our last Christmas at Latta Road. I wonder what the new year will bring and where we will be. It's Saturday morning and I'm contemplating a shopping trip. Only two Saturdays left until Christmas. Two Saturdays until I'm on the long treck back to New York. My roomate just left twenty minutes ago for California...oh, for the days of college when I could go home right after finals! Everyone is heading home. I can count a bunch of close friends and acquaintances who are making permanent trips out of Tulsa. It's time for me to think about leaving too. The season is ending and I no longer want to stay in a place of memories. I keep wondering where to go. NY is not home. OK is not home. Home to me is where the people I care about most are there. But I'm not ready to follow my family to wherever they go. And without someone significant to make the decision with, the task seems larger than it should be.

They wandered in the wilderness in a desolate way;

They found no city to dwell in.

Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.

Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,

And He delivered them out of their distresses.

And He led them forth by the right way,

That they might go to a city for a dwelling place.

Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness,

And for His wonderful works to the children of men!

For He satisfies the longing soul,

And fills the hungry soul with goodness.

Psalm 107:4-9

So 2 years ago I struggled with a decision. My choice ended up being not to take a chance on someone who was asking me for it. I say it was a struggle because part of me really wanted to be with him, and the other part of me was scared to make that decision. What an idiot I was, like one of those fools tossed back and forth by the waves of the see. Within the past month, I keep thinking to myself, either I have changed, he has changed, or I never really saw what was there. It may be a combination of the three. I am now more willing to make my OWN decisions not based on what others around me would think. I am more willing to follow my heart and take part in a relationship. He seems more settled, more focused, more joyful. And there are parts of him that I know I never really took the time to see.

Here I am now with the opportunity to see what is there. And I see it. I see so much. I love every minute of being with him. And there's only two weeks left.

You know, here is what I am learning. I am learning that you can't force things. The best relationships happen naturally. You have to enjoy the day in front of you. I could sit here and regret my decisions two years ago (and I do). I could sit here and be sad that soon he will be more than 2,000 miles away (and I am). But I would miss the moments of friendship now. I appreciate him more at this point in my life. Maybe it's because I've had a chance to mature a little bit. Maybe it's because I know my time with him is short. Ughh...I don't know. But I do know that what little time I have left, I just have to take it for what it's worth and make the most of it. And even that is scary.

Someday, I hope that the time and place will be right. I still need time to mend and heal from this past year, this I know, though it's hard to admit. I also know that he is about to enter a new season of life, one that I could not compete with and would never wish to. I will wish him well as he leaves, knowing that it's best. But I won't like it, not one little bit. And way deep down I will hope for us to meet again.

This is a copy of the forward most recently sent to me. I really do not like forwards but this one was different and significant today.

Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, of row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village malls.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there our dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering - waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

"When we reach the station, that will be it!", we cry.

"When I'm 18."

"When I buy a new Harley."

"When I put the last kid through college."

"When I have paid off the mortgage."

"When I get a promotion."

"When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"

Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24 "This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.

Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less.

Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough. -Anonymous

There is much to be thankful for. Much.

Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Come let me love you, let me give my life to you,
let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms,
let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you,
come let me love you, come love me again.

Annie's Song - John Denver

This song has been resonating in my head for the past two weeks or so. The words stand out to me as if God Himself were speaking them. "Come let me love you, come love me again." Last night, I had a striking revelation. I don't believe in love anymore. I doubt it's possibility, it's romantic existence in my life, it's power, everything. In the name of guarding and protecting, I have hardened myself. It is no wonder that I have not been able to express what I know is in me to express. It is no wonder that I have only been surviving and skimming the surface. It is no wonder that life's beauty seems so distant, so untouchable, so not for me. Without warning, I have given up.

My roomate and I watched Saved last night. It wasn't the best movie ever, but for some reason, I saw myself in the main character. I saw her heart, I saw her search, I saw how easily she had been deceived. She stood beneath the cross with her hands raised, speaking words that Christians avoid. And as much as I'd like to say that the movie did nothing to portray reality, I cannot escape the fact that tears came to my eyes.

What bothered me the most about this movie was the portrayal of love. Love was not among the so-called Christians, it was found among those who were outcast and immoral. Why is that? I'm not going to elaborate on that question right now, I have too many thoughts and not enought energy to type them all.

I have gone through the past couple of months managing not to "feel" too much. I go through the day pretty normal. I get my jobs done, eat, sleep, call my family, play my guitar, hug my kids. But I know that I am not living from my heart. There is a hardness that has crept in, mostly I think to save face in the midst of so many changes. My roomate commented on my stability in the face of circumstances and I suppose it is true. I have been surviving. But this past weekend the tears began. They began as I watched one of my students play with her dad at our fall party. They continued as I gave up my kitten b/c of allergies. Sunday had tears of emotion as my pastor surprised his wife with a renewing of the vows ceremony; which then turned my heart again to the heartache I have covered over. I just keep looking up and asking God, "What's going on? What are You doing?"

At church on Sunday we talked about the importance of loving without expectation of returned love. Does anyone realize how hard that is? When it comes down to it, is it not almost impossible not to expect at least a little something when we put our hearts out on the line? Well, time to cut the expectations again. Time to love without regret, without hope of holding on or winning the outcome.

God give me the wisdom to know the truth, and give me the courage to walk in it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where all the right words were said, with just the right person; a moment where your heart said, "yes", and you knew that everything was just as it should be? And what did that moment turn out to be? Was it lasting? Was it everything words spoken had promised it to be? How far did the moment carry?

I was in a moment where everything past and present came to a complete halt. My wandering ceased. My hurts began to heal. My questions began to have answers. I was at peace. So why did it not last? Why did I sense peace in a place that brought only destruction to my heart? It is this question that keeps me up at night. In the quietness of my drive home each day, it is the thought that flashes across my mind. And tonight, as I write, I wonder why I continue to choose the path leading to a broken heart.

In my heart of hearts, I see what he could be. I see the man that I loved before he was ever a man. How do you explain the hidden things that come only through the knowing of the heart? How do tell another that what you see is truth? How do you tell yourself to walk away when you know that there is more left undiscovered? What is this hope that I cling to? False or true? Vain or worthy? Pretentious or humble? What is hope and where should it be applied? If not here, where? When you love someone, is it not without regret, without condition, without circumstance? And does love mean that I should be near him? Or is it possible that my love means more in absence?

God knows my prayers. He knows my desire. I await His answers and I await the revealing of His plan. Only He can know the pain of loving someone enough to let them walk away. But I wonder. What was all of this for? And how much more full and wonderful is love's potential? If I may refer to a fairy tale here, what was it in Beast that drew Beauty? And what was it in Beauty that brought life again to Beast? I want to know. I want to see it. I want to be changed by it.

The air crisp, the days short,

and I am waking up for the winter ahead.

This new season has crept in both quietly and with determination.

I recognize it well,

although circumstances would defer

to say that life could not ever look the same

Comforted with silence

I hear of better days to come.

I had almost forgotten how to sit quietly.

There was work to be done, conversations to be had, music to be played.

But this silence,

this forgotten gift,

this absence of things that would otherwise distract me from my search,

startles me once again.

I am searching for him.

Or rather, I am aware that he is searching for me.

Maybe this time

I will come closer.

Maybe this time my determination will not be dismantled by some other less fulfilling search.

Maybe I have been on the right path all along.

Leaves falling, wind blowing

Season changing

I am me, yet never the same

and he, the constant,

the one who leads me to love.

"What brought life to you today?"

For me, it was when I sat still long enough to watch my kids play in the classroom. I listened to their laughter, soaked in their smiles, listened to their questions, watched their creations. They were full of life.

And the sky was beautiful today. Clouds endless and layered, sun filtered, blue sky bright. The wind was perfect; its breezes calming my heart and caressing my face.

God brought life today through the laughter of children and through the beauty of nature. I felt healing after the shock of what seemed like such an unfair death this past weekend. Someone so young, so well-loved, so striving to get his life straight...shouldn't he have had a chance? I just have to trust that God holds Him now in Heaven and has a purpose beyond these circumstances.

God show my heart the truth. Show me how to live better from here.

Death came so quickly, friend. I will miss you.

Shall we gather at the river,

Where bright angels he has brought,

With it's crystal tides forever

Flowing by the throne of God
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,That flows by the throne of God
Ere we reach the shining river

Lay we every burden down,

Praise our spirits will deliver

And provide our robe and crown.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God
Soon we'll reach the shining river,

Soon our pilgimage will cease,

Soon our happy hearts will quiver

With the melody of peace.
Yes, we'll gather at the river.

The beautiful, the beautiful, river.

Gather with the saints at the river,

That flows by the throne of God.

~Robert Lowry~

It's been awhile...
All is well. Driving home from work the other day I realized that much of the weight has been lifted. What a relief. The past seems really to have passed. At the same time, I do not deny that there are issues below the surface that God is dealing with...heart issues. Although the initial pain is gone, I know that more healing is bound to be on the way. And for that, I am glad. God is good.

Driving home from work today, I was exhausted. I thought about how much I was looking forward to the weekend. I thought about how I would sleep in and get caught up on some much needed rest, cleaning, and shopping. I pulled into the parking lot and stopped to grab my mail near the front entrance gate. I grabbed the mail, walked back out to the car, and then, one of those moments that you expect to happen but never know is really coming, came. A Honda Civic pulled into the parking lot in front of me. Not uncommon, but when I looked at his face it was one that I had never wanted to see again. My weekend would not be what I had hoped.

What the hell? I had a few choice words as I prayed under my breath.

No, it wasn't Shawn. It was a guy I had shut the door on 5 years ago. He "heard" from the Lord that we were supposed to get married. I did NOT hear the same thing and told him so. I have told him so...over and over and over again. Recently (for the past year) I have ignored him. And yet, he still sends flowers, letters, long letters. Nothing seems to deter him. Flattering? No. Disturbing, yes.

My heart has gone from one extreme to the next. It's like a test of my temperment. With Shawn I was vulnerable, sweet, interested. With this guy, I am disinterested, hard hearted, ungrateful.

My God, my heart must lie in the midst of this somewhere.

No, now that I think more about it, proving my own legitimacy with God was not the reason that I stayed with him. I really and truly loved him. I wanted it to work out. But it didn't.

Now what? I am faced with questions. Do I answer them or let them float around the mystery that is my heart? If I try and explain it away, he is wrong...I am right...and the world I live in does not change.

I don't even like to talk about it anymore. The only reason it ever comes up is so that I can prove that I wasn't a total idiot in the situation. I mean, why else do we feel the need to retell our break up stories?

I keep praying for his healing...the deep healing I know that he needs. He has been hurting for more years than I have known him, and I have only tasted the backlash of that pain. But the truth is, I am hurting too. I forget that there are wounds I need to tend to here. I forget that I know the Healer. And I am walking around with masking tape to cover my own brokeness. Every day, I wake up and I try to forget. But forgetting is not the same as restoring.

I can feel the hardness begin to creep in as I turn up the radio to drown the sorrows of my heart. The beat is fast, the music driving, the words cutting and precise...I feel stronger.

But I am not strong, Lord. I am weak. Take me up from here and help me to move on. Show me the way to go.

Sitting out on my balcony tonight I began the basic run down of what had gone wrong. My thoughts began with the question, "why did he push me away?" He told me that he didn't have the capacity to meet the needs that I had. He told me that it wasn't worth his time and energy. Shocking. Mostly because those same words had been supposedly preempted with "I love you" and "I want to spend the rest of my life of you". How does that balance out? Yeah, still wondering about that. Anyways, I felt as if he was being selfish. I was hurt that he could say he loved me and then go on and not prove it with his actions. It was then that I began to piece together a pattern that I had seen all along. I realized...he doesn't believe in himself. He doesn't even know how to love himself. Therefore, how could he reach out and love me or anyone else for that matter? He works so hard to prove to everyone that he can take care of things, that he doesn't need anyone to do it for him. And at the end of the day, he is alone.

But my thoughts and ultimate conversation with Lord went on from there. I began to think about why it was so important that Shawn and I stay together. Why was it so important that things work themselves out? Of course, I loved him. Of course I wanted to see good things for him. Of course I wanted him to walk out his life with joy and abundance and peace. But there was more. I saw a pattern in my own life. I wanted to see him saved because that meant that my testimony meant something. His salvation meant that all was not in vain. His salvation justified that my walk with the Lord was right and good. Wow.

Talk about raw honesty here...I don't even believe in myself and in my own walk with the Lord.

I have about three good friends, Shawn included, that I have prayed for for years. I am still waiting to see them come into the kingdom. I know that they will. I guess the question lies in this, will I trust God to help them run their race? Will I trust God to continue to work in their lives as I move on in my own. Will I trust Him as I let go? Because the truth is that they belong to Him. The truth is that I have to move on.

I have my own race to run.
Lord, help me to believe You. Help me to believe in me again.

"The fact is, at this point in our journey, we have only three options: 1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted." (The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge)

From The Journey of Desire by John Eldridge: "One thing I have come to embrace is this: we have to let it go. The more comfortable we are with mystery in our journey, the more rest we will know along the way...'Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet posssessing everything' (2 Cor. 6:10)..If we will remain open to sorrow, we can know joy. Somehow being empty allows us to make others rich. And if we are willing to let go, we'll discover something most surprising-that all is ours...Once we know what we want, we must learn the grace of release." The author of this book says that there are two things that pierce our hearts...affliction and beauty. He goes on to say that beauty is what heals our hearts after great affliction. I took a walk today and looked up at the blue sky. I smelled the greenery of the landscape where I live. I felt the warm breeze of a cooler August day. I felt better, not so caged in by the agony of the past few days. I remember that seven years ago, when I was going through the very same heartache, the only thing that gave me any sense of hope was finding a patch of blue sky to focus on. I have no idea why it made me feel better. I just knew that if the sky could show some sort of clearing, that so too my heart could find a way to be clear of the gloom that surrounded it. My heart aches at the thought of the past six weeks, the past 10 years. I wanted it so badly, wanted it to finally work, wanted to see the miracle I was sure of. A few weeks ago, I was glad that I had found freedom to live my life. Today, I am still glad. The pain is an indicator that I am alive, that I am still able to feel. And although what I had thought was a sure thing was not, I am sure that God has had a plan all along. I am sure that God is restoring my heart. I am sure the He will do as He promised and make all things new.

Resilience
1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Resilient
1 : Marked by the ability to recover readily, as from misfortune.
2 : Capable of returning to an original shape or position, as after having been compressed.

http://dictionary.reference.com/

I watched The Notebook last night with my roomate and another friend. Yes, it was a chic flick. Yes, I did shed a few tears (which surprisingly does not happen too often). I made a connection with the storyline though: two people fall in love as teenagers, are separated by life circumstances, and then find each other again at just the right time.

The movie is told from the perspective of an old and gray couple who are experiencing their last days. I have hardly seen such a beautiful portrayal onscreen of lifelong love...true love. It was weird, there were lines in this movie that I have said myself, there were moments that I have lived. And they were not just the romantic, goosebump moments. They were the painful, heartbreaking moments. The ones where, if you aren't living in the movie, you think you are seeing the end of the relationship.

Which brings me to my point. Love, true love, pure in form and created by God, is resilient. I didn't think about that word until tonight when I hung up the phone. For about a week I have been feeling hopeless. I'm having a hard time not giving up. But the truth is, this thing has lasted through years of circumstance and changes. It has risen from the dead when I thought life could no longer exist. He is the only one I want to love for the rest of my life. When I am old and gray it is his hand that I want to hold. And so I have to trust that this love will be enough to hold us in the days to come.

God, you are love. Hold us and lead us as we walk out our days.

I had forgotten that the act of following our hearts is full of risk and consequences. I had forgotten until just this week how raw and vulnerable I could actually feel.

My reality is questioned on all sides. I stand alone, knowing the direction that I have wanted to take and straining to see if that is really where I am headed. My greatest strength and weakness lie in the same place. I dream beautiful dreams and then believe that they will surely come to pass. And it's not that I am a hopeless romantic full of fairy tale ideas that will never come true. It's not that I feel the need for something flawless and perfect. I just want the best.

I have walked away from the church, and found that I am only a child in my walk with God. And I have trusted a heart that may not be trustworthy at all. I am not even going to contemplate the choices I have made recently. I am not going to live in regret. I went forward with a full heart and I will continue to do so. It's only that...I am remembering the pains of a struggle I faced long ago. I felt sure that all would be different this time. And it might be that all will turn out better than I can see right now. But it looks empty and dark in this room.

Paul said that he had learned to be content whatever his circumstances happened to be. Well, there is a novel idea. Easier said than done, Paul, but I think you've touched on something. I was reflecting on this verse as I walked into Wal-Mart to return the 3rd Lord of the Rings movie. Nothing out of the ordinary, except my heart was aching to be with someone 100 miles away. There is nothing I can do to be closer to him right now. There is too much to be talked out, figured out, planned out. I want it all settled now. I want security now. But I am learning that prayer is the key. Prayer puts my heart at peace in the midst of chaos. It is giving birth to confidence in the God who has given me the gift of faith. It is giving me the strength to believe that hope does not disappoint us. It is giving me the ability to wait upon God.

What if I could be content with him or without him? Is that possible? Will there ever come a time when I will be with him every day? Will there ever come a day when I will be secure that he will never leave again? I am trusting that God hears my prayers. I am trusting that God is moving in the midst of us.

I wonder if he hears the tears in my voice when I hang up the phone. I wonder if he feels the same kind of longing. I wonder if he is making plans. I wonder what God is speaking to his heart. Only time and faith will tell I suppose.

Love is patient.

Fresh air

Your warm breath

My weary head upon your chest

And nothing else could

Steal away this place

But do not leave

Cause here alone

I am still

Til you are home

Come home

Come home

To me

@art

Walt Whitman ~ excerpt from Song of the Open Road


The earth expanding right hand and left hand,
The picture alive, every part in its best light,
The music falling in where it is wanted, and stopping where it is not wanted,
The cheerful voice of the public road?the gay fresh sentiment of the road.

O highway I travel! O public road! do you say to me, Do not leave me?
Do you say, Venture not? If you leave me, you are lost?
Do you say, I am already prepared?I am well-beaten and undenied?adhere to me?
O public road! I say back, I am not afraid to leave you?yet I love you;
You express me better than I can express myself;
You shall be more to me than my poem...

From this hour, freedom!
From this hour I ordain myself loos?d of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master, total and absolute,
Listening to others, and considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.

...You move me

You give me courage I didn't know I had,

You move me

I can't go with you and stay where I am so,

You move me

Here is how love was to me

I could look and not see

Going through the emotions

Not knowing what they mean

And it scared me so much

That I just wouldn't budge

I might have stayed there forever

If not for your touch

You move me

Out of myself and into the fire

You move me

Burning with love and with hope and desire,

How you move me....

~Susan Ashton~

Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it.

Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life,

and there are few who find it.

Matthew 7:13,14