Things Change

So, I love living in Florida. (Never thought I'd say that, but I do.) I haven't loved living anywhere for awhile, haven't felt like I wanted to settle down. But I can see myself here, in Jacksonville, settling down. My whole life, it has been one of my greatest desires to stay somewhere, to plant some roots. I have assumed that this would be the place and rightly so...my parents are here. I am done with college. I have a "secure" job. I love my church. I love the friends that God has given me here. I love the beach and how close I am to Orlando, Atlanta, Savannah, and the list goes on.

There is this very small, and I mean small, place in my heart that begs the question...will you ever return to NY? And when I hear it, I think NO I love it here, this is where I belong. Please do not be offended NY...I love you, I long to be there, I hate to leave when I am with you. It's just that I am not quite ready yet to contemplate this question. Seriously, the NY question is a blog in itself. Then there is this other place that suggests there are many other places in the world I still need to see. I dream of going to nations...literally dream. People speak words to me and pray prayers over me about going to the nations. I do not know what it will look like. I do not know what it all means. I just know that there is more than this city on the East Coast.

There is music inside of me. There are words yet unwritten, pages yet unturned. And I thought it would be here that my life would all make sense. It doesn't yet. And maybe it will soon. But all of a sudden as I come upon the 2nd year of my residence in the sunshine state, I am hit with the fact that this is not permanent. Even my friend Kate said to me tonight, "nope you won't stay here". How does she know?

But nothing is permanent. Things change. People move on. I have been humbled by that very realization this week. I couldn't buy the house I wanted. I found out that a couple friends of mine are moving. I have other friends leaving for military duty. My brother left for Iraq today. Other friends are getting married. A few are changing and moving in different directions and I don't see them very much anymore.

So either I can sit here and be disappointed and allow myself to feel displaced or I can move on as well. I can grab ahold of God and say, "What's next? Where do we go from here?" It's what I have done all my life. I have never stayed in one place for too long. I have never been able to set my roots in a community, or a group of people, or a piece of land for more than a season or two. My roots have become planted in the Lord. I go where He goes. It has never been easy, never. But the outcome has always been worth whatever pain it took to move on to the next place.

So all this to say, I am choosing to let go of my fears for what will happen tomorrow and to love what God has given me now. I am choosing to reach out and live and love and laugh as much as I can in this season. Because who knows when it will end? Who knows when the seasons will change and when these opportunities will come to an end? Who knows what will come next? God give us all grace to know when to let go and how to hold on to You.

A Drink of Water

I sat and listened to two random stories tonight. One was the story of a friend who has feelings for someone she knows she should not have feelings for. The other was of a new acquaintance who sat and waited by the phone for a call that never came and who I think was on beer number seven as I left to go home.

As I listed to both stories, I thought of myself. Pure and simple. I thought about how the situations affected me. I contemplated the times when I sat in the very same seat they were sitting in. I knew exactly how they felt. But all I could offer was a nodding of the head and words like "I feel you on that one; I know exactly what you mean; you deserve better, etc."

Joyce Meyer said the other day, we cannot give others what we do not have ourselves. Simply put, I can't give you a glass of water, no matter how thirsty you are, if I do not have a glass of water in my possession. Tonight, I didn't have my glass of water. I had theories. I had empathy. I had experience. I had every good intention of listening and giving some sort of good advice.

All I could think of was Proverbs 19:22 - What a man desires is unfailing love, better to be poor than a liar. This verse is speaking volumes to me about compromise and about waiting on God. It reminds me of the woman at the well, who said to Jesus...Why are you asking me for water? (which in parable form = unfailing love) And Jesus answered back "If you knew who I was you would be asking me for the water (the unfailing love that will cause you to never thirst again). Here was this woman...broken, disappointed, ashamed, tired...and Jesus said to her...give me your love. She couldn't (and He knew it)...she didn't know how to recognize love...she didn't have it left in her. She had traded the real deal for other loves a long time ago, for other treasures...treasures that never measured up, that never filled the void she felt so deep inside.

I wanted to be like Jesus tonight. But I didn't have answers. Sometimes, I still feel like that woman...so past the point of dreaming, but so hopeful that someday a savior would come to show me what unfailing love truly is. Sometimes, I want to be better now, to be confident now, to be hopeful now....so that I can pass it on. Is it okay to still not have the answers? Is it okay to still be in the midst of working it out? Is it okay not to fully understand yet?

I want to understand. I want to know why things work out the way that they do, why people hurt each other and walk away from each other. I want to know why plans are thwarted even after seeking the Lord and believing for the best. I want to have understanding. I want these things, because I want to be able to walk with hope and to give hope to others when they are hurting. I want to be able to trust the Lord more than I do today. I want to be able to speak life, because life has been spoken to me.

Relieved

January was the month I began to feel that I should step out in faith towards the things I thought were supposed to happen in my life. One of those things was buying a house. The other was going on a mission's trip. Plans for both seemed to be coming along fairly well. Until last weekend, when the condo (the one that had everything I wanted) became locked behind a door that I could not open. Talking with my realtor yesterday, she said to me.."I have never seen anything like this happen before." She talked with other realtors and they said, "We have never seen anything happen like this before." My realtor, who is a Christian, and I both agreed that it must have been the Lord who saved me from going through with the deal. Basically, I had prayed, God I'm moving forward and trusting that everything is in your hands....fill in the missing pieces and please don't let me make any mistakes that would be detrimental. I asked Him to swing the door wide open, or else shut it so that it could not be opened. I didn't expect the door to shut. But when it did....I felt...relieved. So it leaves me to thinking about this verse from Proverbs 19:

21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails.

His purpose must be greater than my plans for a house. Because now I don't feel like I am supposed to buy a house at all. I feel like I am supposed to stay where I am and continue doing the same things with my money that I was doing before. It is time for something new, but as to what that something is...I'm not sure I can grasp it yet.

Goodbye Swish

I came home to find my fish tank covered with a towel and the filter unplugged. I knew right away that my dear little goldfish had passed on. I stood staring at her for quite awhile...hoping to see her big black eyes dart back and forth, hoping to see her gills opening for air. And truthfully, I wanted to see her breathe so much that I thought I did actually see it happen once or twice. Tapping on the glass did not help. So I turned the kitchen light off and headed for bed.

I've known for a couple of days that this was coming. She's been struggling to swim, laying at the bottom, hardly able to eat. I've been praying for her, singing to her (she loves singing), telling her how much I love her. She has had some health issues in the past, and usually when I pray she gets better. Her spots disappear, her energy increases. But this time was different. She was just about to turn 5 years old.

Her original name was Destiny, but I called her Swish for most of her life...this came about from incessant fish babble when looking at her bowl and talking to her...c'mon I know I'm not the only one who talks to their pet fish! Our meeting happened at a college picnic in the hot August weather of Tulsa, OK. An entire kiddie pool was filled with goldfish from Wal-Mart and my friend and I were put in charge of helping students fish for their own little pet. By the end of the day there were still at least 100 fish left over. We were going to have to dump them in the pond where the turtles and ducks also lived. Feeling much compassion and the need for something to take care of I began to pick out fish for myself. There was one that I particulary had my eye on, and trying as hard as I could I never could catch that one in the net. But then there was another fish...the one I didn't really want...the one that got caugh in my net every single time I went for the other. She (Destiny) ended up being one of the five I took home.

I put the five refugees in a small fish bowl and they all sucked air from the surface the entire night. The next day I learned that only one fish could and should be expected to fit in the bowl I had purchased. I had to find them new homes and I did...except for two...Faith and Destiny. Within about a week I came into my dorm room to find that Faith had died by swallowing a rock that was much to big for her...at least I think that had been the problem. That left Destiny.

And true to her namesake she stayed with me...back and forth, in the backseat of my car, from OK to NY at least two or three times during college breaks, through a long summer night in the college dorm tornado shelter, moving off campus to an apartment, staying with friends (who had a track record for killing fish) when I had to leave town, when we moved to Florida almost two years ago now. Even mom and dad loved her and took care of her more than I did when I moved back home.

Swish was my companion, my little reminder that sometimes we are blessed with things we didn't think we wanted. I will miss her welcome every morning. I will miss her excitement to talk with anyone who came near to her little fish tank. I will miss knowing she is there.

Random DC Trip

I spent the weekend in DC with Jilli this past weekend. :) We did the tourist thing...which I haven't done for about 10 or 11 years.

Night tour of the memorials.

George Washington's garden.

Lincoln Memorial.

Jilli and me at the Capitol.

Mt. Vernon...it was a beautiful day but so cold...below freezing with the wind chill.

The Capitol Building.

This Is The Place

So, the house stuff is coming along...here are some furnished pics of the place...it won't be quite as trendy when I first move in...but you'll get the picture. 1900 square feet and my own personal screened in porch upstairs!!! Closing is in 2 weeks. I am praying for favor and finances, if anyone feels so inclined to pray along. :)

Backyard view

Living room and entryway

Back porch with new glass windows

Part of the kitchen with shutter that open to the dining room

Master bedroom...see the porch?? :)

Look at living room from upstairs...notice the long curtains cover sliding glass doors that lead to the porch.

Front view.

Here We Go!

This week, the horizon is broadending....from wedding singer and once in awhile worship leader, to performer. Yep, it's a nice little half hour set down at the beach. But it's also a Saturday night set...in a place where lots of people will be. I'm so excited. Again, just like last year when I recorded I keep hoping that I'll be ready. Hoping that I can find the right songs and play them well...Yes, I've been preparing...but now the pressure is on...and I'm REALLY preparing. God has opened such a big door. This little joint is a great venue for new artists as well as some well-known artists. Who knows what will happen down the road from here, what connections will be made? I also get to lead worship for around 50 people at the homeless outreach on Sunday.

Scam

So this picture was forwarded to my email account today, entitled with something to the extent of, "Watch Out for New Scam". To all of you who walk down concrete sidewalks and love to feed and pet the baby ducks...keep an eye out for their mothers, you never know who may be out to steal your dollar "bills". hehehehe

Gram's Love

I called gram randomly today just to talk and found out that it would have been her and grandpa's 52nd wedding anniversary. He died about seven years ago. So I asked her how she feels on days like this. She told me she thinks about the memories. I love to hear her memories. Even if I have heard the story before, there is something so comforting in hearing how grandma and grandpa lived their lives before I ever came along.

He was a vacuum cleaner salesman putting himself through the Baptist seminary. Gram says that when he came down her street for the first time, they looked at each other, said hello, and then gram ran into the house, safely behind the window, to continue watching him walk down the street. When he came to her house, he told my great grandma (gram's mom) that he loved the picture of gram that sat on the piano. Gram said today that she likes to explain it as "love at first sight".

The pastor's wife invited grandpa to church that Sunday. He came along with two other girls. Gram said she kind of lost interest after that. But her friend leaned right over and whispered, "There's a man for you, Eleanor." Somehow Eleanor and Robert became friends and spent a lot of time together through church activities in the following months. Then, they ended up dating for about 5 or 6 months. He never asked grandma to marry him. He only told her that he had gone home at Christmas and had said to his mother, "Well, I found the woman I'm going to marry". He gave her a ring a few months later and they were married about a year after that.

I asked gram if she was ever nervous around grandpa when they first met. She answered by saying "No not really. He was just so precious to me right away." I've been thinking about this all night. I'd like to be able to say that about my husband someday, "he was so precious to me, even from the very beginning." I'd like him to be able to say the same about me.

I don't know if it's the time for me to be worrying about all of this, although worrying is never really a good choice. I just know my track record for nervousness around people I potentially have a crush on. It's either a sign that I am with the wrong people, or I am walking around with the wrong perspective. I believe it's the latter statement. What gram said today is so right on though. Whoever God places into my life and whenever He chooses to do so, is not meant to create fear or anxiety.

All of this to say, I want to be able to talk like my grandma someday. Sometimes, I feel like I already do, I see her reflection in some of my own words and decisions. She has a lot ot say about life, and love, and walking with the Lord, and ministry. There is something so sweet about her, about my mother even. They see beauty and multiply it through their words and actions. Gram (and mom) have shown me Jesus and have taught me about love in more ways than they could probably ever imagine. It makes me want to reach out and love the whole world like they do. It makes me want to wait and hold out for that "precious" love Gram spoke of this afternoon.

My Valentine

My grandpa sent me a valentine this week. I felt so special. Inside the valentine card, he put article clippings of teacher salaries in NY. When I called to thank him he said (in a joking sort of way), "So it doesn't make you want to move back to NY?" Aw, grandpa wants me to move back home. He signed it from both him and gram...but I knew it was his idea to send the card. This is probably the first valentine where I didn't feel as if it was just another holiday and just another grandparent's joyful obligation. He meant what he said.

ps-I woke up to flowers and the most beautiful card on the counter this morning...thanks mom and dad. You make me feel special too.

Am I sad that I am single on this holiday? No way. Because love is for all year...and showing love is something I am not so great at doing on schedule. I am better at giving random gifts for really good reasons. I am better and calling and hugging and holding and serving when the moment is just right and calls for a step to be taken. Schedule a holiday and I might disappoint you. Ask me for friendship and I will love you forever.

Happy Valentines Day friends and family. Thank God we are where we are today. Thank God that He is faithful to love us EVERY day.

52 Years and Counting

There was a substitute teacher across the hall from my classroom today. She had to be at least 70 years old, walked with support braces on her arms, and couldn't read small print. But I could tell that energy and passion for teaching ran through her veins. I spent my planning time reading the lesson plans to her before school this morning, finding materials for her, as well as interpreting the lesson plans that didn't seem to make sense. She informed me that she was "very into discipline" and asked if the normal teacher was laisse faire. I said no, and she said "good". While we were talking at least 2-3 of my students came into the room to interrupt the conversation. She responded with.."That's not my student is it?" "No, he's mine," I replied not even wanting to know what she thought of me then. "Good," she said, right within the student's earshot as I ushered him back out of the room.

Mrs. N., I will call her, informed me that she had been teaching for 52 years...52...and she also informed me that she knew what she was doing. At then end of the day she told me that I could call on her anytime to sub for my classroom if need be. I didn't tell Mrs. N. that I am probably more laisse faire than she would appreciate. She did know the power of complimenting however. She thanked me for my help quite a few times. And even more than that, she told me as well as another teacher that we had beautiful teeth.

52 years? I am only finishing year 3. Last night I was at a Bible study where we practice hearing the voice of God. A woman shared with me that while she was praying she heard me saying "I want to teach. I want to teach." I have thought about that word all day, considering what it might mean. Because for so long I have said, "I don't want to teach. I don't want to teach." Could it be that I have been struggling in vain? Could it be that my calling is right here in my hands and I am turning against it? Could it be that my hidden doubts and fears are bringing dissention and disorder to our daily classroom routines?

Maybe I need to embrace what is here in my hands. Maybe I need to love what God has given me. Maybe, that voice deep inside of me...the one that cries out to be heard in the midst of my doubting, is the voice that will cause me to rise up and bring the light of Christ to my students and my colleagues in a very real way. What if I chose to agree with this adversary I have so long opposed? What if I came to an understanding and submitted to the hand of God? What if this has been my problem all along? What if I have been neglecting my calling?

Another question. If teaching is my calling, then what should I teach? Reading and writing? Or is there something more? Jesus, help me to become the teacher that you would be to these children. I fall so short, my patience has been lacking, my demands have been many, my fear has been strong. Help me to rise above and to serve these children. Help me to wash their feet, to lead them to you. It is your kindness that leads to repentance...and I can't help but think that it is your kindness that will change the face of my classroom. I don't know how...show me how. Create a love in me for this ministry and calling. Amen.

Stepping Out

Tomorrow begins the real search for a house. I am stepping out in faith that God has something for me, that He will provide. Even a year ago I was afraid to do this on my own. But here goes. At least this way, I can't take credit for being the most prepared, responsible, pockets full of money when I started type of homeowner. All I can do is take the steps and trust God for the open doors. He will. Here is an interesting catch. If I was related to Dr. Seuss in any way, I might consider the option.

Someday

I was talking with my friend Hannah over the weekend. We were catching up after not seeing each other for about 3 years. We were on the subject of prospective guys and she commented on a picture she had recently seen on my webpage asking, "What about him?" I laughed. Even though we weren't ever really the best of friends, even though she knew nothing of the past few years of my life, she had somehow pinpointed the exact same person I had thought about in my mind..."What about him?" It was so random, and yet so exactly on the mark.

Hannah's question came just days after I had given up hope, after I had settled in on the reality of the circumstances. I had come to the conclusion that neither time, nor distance, nor state of heart was going to work in my favor as far as this relationship was concerned. I told her about the impending circumstances. I told her details and important events about the relationship. I told her how tears would come to my eyes in conversations with him and how I wished so much for the chance to know how he felt, to know if we would work.

So Hannah asked me another question, "Can't you just ask him...'Why not us?'" It was the same question my mom had asked a couple of months ago. It was the same question another friend, years ago in another time and place, had pushed me to ask my best (guy) friend before he married some girl none of us really knew. I never asked him. And since his wedding day, I have not seen or heard from him. I mourned the loss of him in my life for quite some time. Every Christmas I send my Christmas letter to their address, but to no avail. I still think I did the right thing by letting him go. I did. My life has seen better days and farther places since that season eight or nine years ago.

But back to present situation. I don't feel like I am allowed to ask that question..."Why not us?" Because if I do, am I not infringing on someone else's heart? Am I not infringing on a friendship already comfortable and predictable? I would rather push my feelings aside and see this other person enjoy what they really want out of life. I can't stand the thought of making them feel guilty for not considering me. I can't stand the thought of losing them because of awkward hopes and dreams. I would rather wait for them to come around. I would rather wait for them to know that I am who they want. That I am who they dreamed of for their whole life. I never want to be their second place. I never want to think that I somehow had to talk them into some kind of agreement.

So, no, I probably will not ask the question stated above. I will think it in my heart. I will pray and ask God to answer. I will hold on to hope. And someday, if I am right, I will hear the question asked of me and be able to echo it back. Someday it will be right. I will bring light to someone's eyes and joy to their heart. Someday.

Thoughts on a Friday

Last week was easy. This week a challenge.
Last week I came home lighthearted and with a smile.
This week I have grumbled and cried and looked for excuses.

I'd like to be appreciated, like it if I was regarded as an outstanding teacher. As someone who goes above and beyond, who cares deeply about their job. Would I believe it though? If I walked into the classroom and saw me?

I need to stop being afraid. I am on edge when I hear footsteps in the hallway, when I hear the voice of my principal walking my way, when my children misbehave. I don't want to be looked at for not doing my job. And now, teachers will begin to get paid for their performance. Isn't that nice...based on numbers and opinions we will be paid accordingly. Truthfully, if I was confident about this job, I wouldn't worry. If I was confident, it would be no big deal. But I'm not. I'm afraid of appearing as if I am still a struggling teacher.

Time to go clean up. More later.

Land of the Living

This week I get to see a very good friend of mine. She is here in Jax for a conference. We haven't seen each other for about 5 years and haven't talked in about one year. So we laughed and talked until about 2am this morning. This will go on until Friday when she leaves.

When I moved my junior year of high school it was in the middle of the school year. I was heartbroken about the move and did not make a single solitary friend at this high school...except for Kim. She was a gift from God...she had only moved there about 2 weeks before me. We sat next to each other in homeroom. Our days were spent shopping, driving around in her family's big blue van, listening to music, talking about boys, talking about God, laughing a lot. Even after I left the high school and the city 6 months later, we remained close and kept in touch. Who knew that 11 years later, after college and careers and moving to different states, that we would still be close friends...hanging out in sunny (cold at the moment) Florida? Who knew what an encouragement we would be to each other's lives?

I didn't know why I had to move...all those years ago. It was such a lonely time. But if I had not gone, had I not entered that classroom full of strange faces, I would not know Kim. I would not have the joy of our friendship. She was probably one of the first people to inspire me to write musically and to sing. She remains to be one who inspires me to keep walking closer to God.

Recently, I was in my driveway at nightime and noticed how the light illmunitated a large rectangular area near the road. I'm not sure why I was so compelled but I felt I had to stand in the middle of that area....or maybe it was a circle..I can't remember. When I stepped into the light I heard God say, "I will lead you to places you do not want to go, but in the end it will be a blessing." Well, needless to say I didn't know how to feel about this word. It was both encouraging and intimidating. But as I looked back upon my life, I realized the pattern that I had gone through. I saw a lifetime of going to places I did not necessarily want to go...and I saw the blessing that came from those places.

I saw moving around as a child...it led to friends and connections that even now I keep in touch with. I saw my unexpected college roomate Zoe, who set up her side of the room before I even knew we'd been assigned to the same room...we make a point of seeing each other once a year...she has inspired me to create and dream and be more real than I was before. I see this school I am working at now, such a challenge...but I am learning how to persevere, how to minister, how to humbly serve those I don't really want to serve in the first place. I saw relationships, I saw places, I saw jobs....I saw the hard times and through it all...I saw how God's hand was leading me, protecting me, molding and shaping me to be who I am today.

My darkest moments were telling me of better days to come. I did not know it then. But the promises were there. God help me to remember your promises for every day after this. Help me to remember that you are good and that you are leading me to a good land...a promised land. Help me not to be afraid of the giants I see standing in the way. By Your hand and Your word...I will overcome.

Psalm 27:13-14

What, what would have become of me had I not believed

that I would see the Lord's goodness in the land of the living!
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord;

be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring.

Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Turn It Around

I received a prophetic word about eight years ago about my husband. In it, the Lord asked me not to marry outside of His will for my life. He said that I would be an answer to some guys cry. He said that before that I should not let my heart go, because I would go through a season where I walked with the throne of God, a season where He would bless my life. Well, I've had a few opportunities to let my heart go since that time. Sad to say, maybe too much on some points. But God has brought me through. And so I'm wondering, were these boys along the way, the test that came with the word? I went through tests and trials that is for sure. But the season...the one where I was not even to contemplate a relationship...did I miss that season being distracted by these relationships...or is it yet to come? (I might write a book about all of it...just because it has a lot to do with my testimony.) I walk into this year...with more freedom, with a confidence that I have left the past behind. I walk into this year with an expectation for God to move. I walk into this year with a desire to move forward, to press further in, to know the fullness of God in every area of my life. I have been "fickle"...tossed back and forth in my feelings and desires. And all I really want is the Lord. All I really want is to know Him, to walk in the purposes that He has for my life. If that includes being married, so be it. If that includes ministry, so be it. It is time for walking close with Christ. I don't know what it looks like exactly...I don't know where I will go. But I do know it will be worth the change in focus...laying down the desire for my husband, laying down my own plans and preconceived notions...allowing God to pave the road ahead and show me the way.

What can I do with my obsession
With the things I cannot see
Is there madness in my being?
Is it wind that blows the trees
Sometimes you're further than the moon
Sometimes you're closer than my skin
And you surround me like a winter fog
You've come and burned me with a kiss

And my heart burns for you
And my heart burns for you

And I'm so filthy with my sin
I carry pride like a disease
You know I'm stubborn God
And I'm longing to be close
You burn me deeper than I know
And I feel lonely without hope
I feel desperate without vision
You wrap around me like a winter coat
You come and free me like a bird

And my heart burns for you

And my heart burns for you

Humble Me

In church this morning, the pastor talked about humility. It was definitely a good reminder...one that I needed more than I thought at the beginning of the day. At the end of the service, a member of the congregation shared what God had spoken to him during the service. He said that some of us carry pride in what we are attached to and responsible for. Some of us will not follow God all the way, because we feel we have to be doing other things, taking care of other relationships, fulfilling other certain obligations...which in the natural may seem perfectly fine, but in the light of God's kingdom, they stand in the way of the fullness that God has planned.

I've been chewing on this word all day. I can think of a lot of things that I feel like I should be doing right now. For example, making enough money to pay off college loans, saving for a house, trading in for a newer car, fulfilling my promise to 13 third grade students, preparing more music for ministry, keeping an eye out for "mr. right". All of these require money, time, effort, heart, sweat, tears, me.

Robert sat next to me at a wedding this evening. He was nice. I was feeling a bit awkward. I couldn't sit with my friends and I had showed up alone. Well, Robert wanted to strike up a conversation. Like I said...he was nice. He was genuinely interested in talking about what I did for work, where I went to church, etc. The thing is, at the time, I didn't appreciate Robert. I was annoyed at being left out when the seating had been planned. He was not who I had planned on sitting with. He was not the guy I wanted to plan my evening around. But there he was, trying his best to make me feel a welcome guest in his row. Robert was humble. And even though, I was aware that this was a humbling situation and I needed to respond accordingly, I was not, in my heart of hearts, at all humble.

I would leave my job if I knew it was okay with God. I would walk away. It has been the sandpaper on my walls these past couple of years. I LOVE these children. I want good for them. But I don't want to be there. Who will take care of them then? Who will make a difference in their lives? Who will pray for them? These are the questions that shame me into retracting my statements of wanting to move on. These are the questions that keep me plugging away, hoping that somehow God will bring a new open door.

I am afraid that I have complained one too many times. I am afraid that I have been too tossed back and forth by the waves. I am afraid of what I will look like. I am afraid of losing my reputation for being someone to depend upon. I do not want to hear my father asking me what I plan to do instead. I do not want to face my principal and tell her that I cannot help her anymore. I do not want to look into my students' faces and let them know that I cannot help them anymore...knowing that I am leaving a job undone. I do not want to face God in the silence and not receive an answer. I do not want to hear a direction only to find out later that I was wrong. I do not want to be stuck with a large amount of debt and not know how it will be paid.

All of this...pride.

How do I overcome? How do I finally prove to God...to myself...that I am hungry for only Him? I've been telling God over and over...take over, take all of me, move in on my life and have your way. But what does it mean to walk in humility? What does it feel like when He is in control? What will be required of me? Simple questions, any Christian could probably answer. But seriously, I feel like I am at the beginning...all over again.

His Kingdom Come

So a lot is happening.

I've been thinking a lot about healing and deliverance in the past few months. Thinking about how I grew up believing that such occurences are still possible today...how I have prayed and been prayed over for such things...how I haven't heard so much about it, or have been leary of hearing about it in the past few years.

I sat and had a conversation with friends over shrimp and chicken a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing healing. I shared my grandpa's testimony...how he had been healed and delivered after practically laying in bed for months dependent on tranquilizers. The funny thing is...he was Baptist...he wasn't supposed to believe in healing. Yeah, he ended up losing his whole church...but he gained the truth of Jesus Christ, and he went on to bring healing and deliverance to hundreds maybe thousands of others who were in need of wholeness. Well, I got some looks that's for sure. I could feel tension in the room. Was it me? Was it the message? Even among Christians? My one friend was trying desperately to cut into her piece of chicken with a butterknife as we talked...it wasn't really working. Someone noticed and handed her a pointedly sharp steak knife from the drawer. We laughed at the difference it made. For some reason the moment stuck out to me. The Bible says that the word of God is a powerful and effective sword, rightly dividing the truth, dividing even to the joints and marrow. I sat and wondered how often we use a duller portion of the Word to live our lives. I wondered how much we water down what is really true about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. How much more effective would our lives be, if we would only grab for the sharp steak knife instead?

I went to a new church this past weekend. Not because I want to church hop, but because I have a cry in my heart for more. I am hungry for God. I want to see His power at work in my life. I want to see healing and deliverance. I want to hear His heart towards the people on this earth. I want to experience what Jesus Christ died on the cross for. Life. Hope. Healing. Victory over darkness. The list goes on. So I heard about this quiet little church...I had been there last summer for a concert...and I decided to go. They used to be Baptists...they used to not believe in healing, in the fact that the Holy Spirit still moves like in the days of the New Testament. But then, God began to move. I walked into this church and found a congregation who participated in the service. The congregation was praying for one another. The congregation shared testimonies during the sermon. It was not a sit back and be entertained sort of place. It was a place of peace and reflection. A place of listening and encouragement. A place to hear from the Lord, and speak healing and life to those around us. It was church, like I haven't seen it in so long. They were not watching the clock. They were allowing the Holy Spirit to run the service. And it was not confusing or hyped up. It was not weird or wacky or off the wall. There was order and peace and understanding.

Tonight I went again to hear Bill Johnson speak about the miracles that are taking place in his church in Redding, CA. Well, through the people in his church...they are praying for people in malls, and stores and public places...and the dead are coming back to life, miracles of healing are taking place, people are being delivered, he even told a story of food being multiplied on a trip to Africa (they were literally handing out loaves of bread to a large crowd and their bags did not empty out...no matter how much they handed out, the bags stayed full!) The thing is, he is training up an army. He does not take credit for the healing ministry. Tonight, he had us pray for those who needed healing. The congregation of over 500 people prayed for one another. I prayed for a woman with plates in her arm and knee...God moved in her body and she was healed. Her arm straightened out...her knee became better. Others around the church were healed. One woman was even able to take her footbrace off.

My friend Kim called me this week. She is coming at the end of the month for a healing conference. The thing is, she didn't exactly believe in all of this healing, deliverance, Holy Spirit stuff until this past year. I haven't talked to her in about a year. It was incredible to hear of what God was doing throughout her church, which is also of a different denomination. I am absolutely amazed and excited to hear how God has changed her heart and is continuing to use her.

From every corner...God is speaking healing. I had two friends call me on the same day this week..one with kidney failure...another with bad news about breast cancer. And the thing is...I was not afraid. I wasn't even sad. I was compassionate towards how they were feeling, but I was also sure of the fact that God wanted to move. I was sure that healing was possible. All around me, there are opporutinities for God to heal. My prayer....is that I would have the courage to step out in faith...that I would not be afraid to ask God for the impossible. My prayer is that healing would begin to take place through my own life and hands and prayers....just like in the days of Jesus. He could do nothing apart from the Father. Let me see what you are doing Lord..let me hear what You are saying...let me walk in your ways and be a conduit of heaven changing earth.

Here It Is

From wherever spring arrives to heal the ground
From wherever searching comes
(The look itself a trace of what we’re looking for)
So be quiet now...and wait
The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is...

Here is our King
Here is our love
Here is our God who’s come
To bring us back to Him
He is the One
He is Jesus

And what was said to the rose
To make it unfold
Was said to me here in my chest
So be quiet now...and rest
The ocean is growing
The tide is coming in
Here it is...

Majesty...
Finally...
Here

Artist: David Crowder Band
Album: A Collision
Year: 2005
Title: Here Is Our King

The Dance

As long as I hear a few of my favorite songs and get twirled around the dance floor one or two times it's a great night of line dancing. I hadn't gone for quite awhile, a few months anyways. But the girls were going and I decided to join them.

A good Christian girl should probably not enjoy this type environment so much, but I have to admit that it's one of my favorite places. The people are real, the songs are honest and there is a concentrated effort of unified dancing. Men and women of all ages and backgrounds show up for the evening...some dressed to only draw attention, some faithful regulars, some laid back and truly just there for the dancing. Most of them (us) searching, for a good time, for a partner to dance with, a person to go home with, for fulfillment, for a connection that has not yet been found anywhere else.

There comes a point in the evening when the whole room is singing the same song, out loud and with all the passion of alcohol and the roots from whence they came. It's a beautiful thing, and I laugh right out loud. I like to think that Jesus would have loved this place, these people....probably way more than me. I like to think that He would have turned the place upside down with His love. I sit there and wonder how I can do the same, and I pray for open doors. Most of my time is spent with a smile and with short conversations during slow dances. All the same, when I meet a pair of empty eyes, I want to reach out and bring life.

This place also brings back a bittersweet memory of last spring. For a period of about two months, I and a few friends came here searching as well. I learned very quickly, that it was not the place where I would find my answers. And just about the time I realized this fact, my heart was put to the test. I was leaving, walking out of the place, and then I was asked to dance.

The dance lasted about a month. I thought it was the answer to my prayers. I made the comment to my sister, "It just made me want to live again." I was pulled out of my sadness and shown a whole new world. I had hope for better things to come. I wanted more from life than I had ever wanted before. But this man who asked me to dance, who called me three days later, who prayed over our dinner, who held my hand on a moonlit beach, who made me laugh right out loud, who could seemingly read my heart like a book, who allowed me to be myself appeared out of thin air and then disappeared again not too long after.

Sometimes, I sit on the side of that same dancefloor and remember the surprise I felt that evening. I sit there and think to myself, how impossible the odds were that we would be at the same place and the same time, how improbable that such a connection would be made. I have NEVER felt that way before.

Last night, I wanted that hope to return. I wanted so badly for him to walk through that door again. It would be different, in the face of disappoinment, but it would still be an answer to this mystery. I talked to God all the way home about it. Then, last night a friend from myspace posted the statement "When we loose something, the gain is greater than the loss." Notice it said "loose" not lose. The truth is I haven't wanted to let go of this thing, this hope that he would return again. Even 8 months afterward I am thinking about it. I don't know why he disappeared...I never got an explanation. I have wanted to believe that God would bring us back together again. I wish I could put it all into words, how deeply this chance encounter touched my heart, just to convince anyone and even myself, that he was not just another guy...doing what guys seem to be labeled for doing best. But I just have to let go...every day, not just yesterday and the day before...but today and every day after that..."loose" it and move on. I have to trust that God has so much more. Wow, I can't even imagine it...really I can't...so it must be good.

And whatever it was, the gain will be greater than anything I thought I lost. In the words of Garth Brooks, "I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end, the way it all would go. Our lives, are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss...the dance."

Caught In His Hands

I've missed you. Deep down in my heart of hearts. I have missed your friendship. I know that we're moving on. I know it's better this way...somehow. But I miss you. I'm so thankful, for the time we had. Thankful for our season. You have made my life better.

Do we ever see it? In the midst of our days, in the midst of our circumstances, do we see the blessing? When drama is at its peak. When plans do not go our way. When those we love do not love us the way we had hoped in return. When we are disappointed and heartbroken. When opportunities arise and then disappear. Do we see God moving in the midst of us? Do we see that His plans are better, higher than we could have ever imagined?

I have been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now. The disappointment, the missed opportunities, the plans that never came through, the love that did not show its face as I had hoped it would. My hope has been deferred, my heart has been misled, my faith has been tested. And I stand here not knowing how to react, not knowing how to move on, not really knowing how to let go. I want to let go. I want to be at peace. But I don't know how. I can literally feel physical tension as I try to hold myself together. It has been going on for way too long.

I keep seeing a picture of Christ, reaching His hand out to me. I want to reach back. And I keep asking, "what happens next?"

I think in the letting go, we learn how to be held. Held by God, held by hope, held by something much greater than ourselves. In letting go, we are able to love deeper. Letting go, means that our control is gone, that what we have been hoping for is not really up to us anymore.

What is real will return to us, when all else is gone. What was meant to be, will be, when our striving is gone. We are searching for Christ, each and every one of us...no matter what our disguise or vain excuse. He comes through, in the letting go. He comes through when there is nothing left for us to hold onto. He comes through.

That is my prayer. That I would be able to let go of every false hope, every misleading excuse, every misconception. Because I want to see Him. I want to know Christ. I want my heart to be at peace with Him. In letting go, I want my life to be caught in His hands.

I can't make it on my own. I need help. I need a redeemer. I need the chance to say yes to Him, letting go of all that lies behind me.

Peace

Set my heart to be at peace. That has been my prayer. And this morning as I sit in this classroom, white Christmas lights outlining the board, Christmas music playing lightly in the background, students outdoors at PE I realize that God has been in this day. My paperwork is not done, my boys are still in the business of pushing the limits, but I am at peace.

I have been so afraid...of not measuring up, of teaching the wrong things, of simply not being enough. I have been ready to give up...to simply walk away and not return. But that would not be right. Because God gave me this job. Because He has a lesson to teach me here. And if I do not learn the lesson now, I will most certainly have to walk through the same things again.

I am learning not to be afraid...of mistakes, of people's opinions, of impossible expectations and paperwork, of beliefs that are not the same as my own, of the potential that resides inside of me. I am learning to rely on God for grace every day, every moment. I am learning that this ability to wing it may be a gift directly from Him. I am learning that His ways of teaching are far better than my own and so much better than the state's way of doing things.

As much as I hate to say it, I have needed this place as much as it has needed me. Whether this season is coming to close or whether it will continue for awhile, I don't know. What I do know is that God is with me, helping me. And as long as He remains my focus, I will remain at peace and all will turn out well.

Love Has Come

Someday I hope to get past the past. In fact, maybe I'm almost there and the past needs to let go of me. Either way, I am reminded of the verse somewhere in the old testament that says if we want to return to where we came from, we will have the chance to do so. This week, he wrote to me. Right out of the blue. Interuppted my Sunday morning routine as I clicked on my inbox. And I thought it was a mistake. Because the letter was really like picking up an old conversation. Picking up the same conversation, the same heartbroken routine we always fall into. Except I don't want to fall anymore. Instead, I sit right down, contemplate where I am, where he might be. I ask God where He is. I ask God when my heart will be restored again. And really that's my question. Will I get another chance? Will love come to my door again, or will I have to learn how to walk alone? These are the lonelier questions. In my heart of hearts, I know it will come. I know God will redeem the past. He reminded me today that He is still in the business of encouraging. He gave me the day off to enjoy good friends. (Really I was assigned to jury duty...but they let me go by 10:30 in the morning.) So simple, yet so what I needed. I am not alone. There are others who walk this road. In between shopping and cheesecake, incognito pastors and footballs in the parking lot I am reminded that my present and future are way better than where I have come from. I have no need to fear. Love has come. God is love. And He is all around.

The Rest

I've been waiting.

Waiting on better days, deeper relationships, time to pass, changes to come. I am looking back at this year and seeing what God has brought me through. So much healing, so much vision, so much to be thankful for.

And so tonight, I look at this restlessness...I look at this worry that I will not be satisfied, and I ask myself...where is my faith? I am waiting on so and so to write or call. I am waiting on the weekend to come. I am waiting for that letter in the mail. I am waiting, hoping, pining away.

But am I waiting on God? Am I truly sitting and listening to His heart? Do I know what He wants? Have we planned and dreamed together?

Tonight, I sat alone and contemplated my desire to be out with people, to be a part of a group and enjoying the evening. It didn't happen. So, I did what I should have been doing all week. I went into my room and began to play the piano. I had only played for probably about 15 minutes when I went to grab my guitar and then, as if on cue, the phone rang.

I did not recognize the number and when I answered I did not recognize the voice. The person calling was a guy I had met randomly at a place I did not even expect to be last night. It was even more random that I had given him my number...that rarely happens. Anyways, we spent two and half hours talking about music, God, relationships and a few other things in between. By the end of the conversation, I didn't feel quite so alone. I didn't feel disappointed that I had missed an evening out. I actually felt loved and appreciated. I felt like the evening had been well spent.
Divine appointments come at the least expected moments and exactly when we need them.

I say all this to say...I think I have been waiting on the wrong things. I have been waiting for that perfect relationship. I have been waiting for him to show up at my door. And you know what, after tonight, I realized...he probably will show up at the least expected moment. But for now, at this moment...I need to appreciate what God has given to me. I need to hold on and push forward in this season. I need to pursue God. I need to pursue FRIENDships. The rest will come...with patience and with trust.

Waiting is so much more than sitting on the bench and wishing for a chance to play. It is training beforehand and cheering on the others who train beside you. It is focused and determined. It is knowing that one day, at just the right moment, your chance will come and you better be ready.

Waiting has a goal in mind.
My goal is to know Christ, truly know Him.
The rest will fall into place.

Comfort

I talked with a friend of mine tonight about beauty. We talked about the contrast we feel between culture and Godly expectations. We talked about our own disappointments and life experiences and how it has molded our perspectives. We shared our questions.

I am still wrestling with thoughts at home tonight. I am wrestling with feelings of not measuring up...with questions...with hope and dreams...with disappointments...with not knowing what is good and what is selfish.

Beyond the outward beauty, what is there beneath? Besides the Lord. Besides places and friends. Besides my life story. What is there? I cannot speak eloquently about theological matters. I cannot debate politics. Movies and music are beyond my years of experience and training. I love to read, but I hardly remember the words after turning the page.

I am fully convinced that beauty comes from the Lord. I know for a fact that God draws us in by His beauty and I truly believe that anything that is beautiful about me comes from Him. My hope, when speaking with others, is that they are drawn to God in me most of all...that in some way they are touched by Him when interacting with me.

It could be that I am lonely and only feeling sorry for the fact that there are not many to share my true heart with. It could be that tonight I am not feeling my most confident self. It could be that I am too worried about such matters as friendship and love. It could be that I do not trust others to first of all, see the real me, and second of all, to care enough to stick around when I feel boring, or lost, or hopeless, or worried, etc.

I have hope for redemption. I have hope that one day God will show me the truth...that He will blast my twisted theories right out of the water. I have hope that one day not only will I be comforted in God's love towards me, but that I will be comforted and secure in relationships which are based on inward beauty, on truth, on the things that do not fade away.

Confidence

I sat with my most favorite professor on Monday morning in Tulsa before flying back to Jax. She is my favorite because I know that she believes the best about me. She is my favorite because she has never been afraid to tell me the real deal. She has forced me out of my comfort zone, she has spoken the truth even when it hurt my feelings. And in the midst of the trials she has always offered a better way. Dr. M. once said that she did not want to teach me to become a teacher, she wanted to teach me to become a good teacher.

I told Dr. M that I wished I could sit in her classes all over again. She told me that I already knew everything. She told me that all I needed was the confidence...the confidence that I am a good teacher, that I DO know what I am doing.

She also told me that mean to me is not always "mean" for the kids. Sometimes I will have to be mean in order to love them. I needed to be reminded of that one.

God show me how to love these kids. Show me how to teach them. My grip on them seems to slip from my hands and I am desperate to draw them in again. I am desperate to prepare them for what they need to know. But the truth is that I do not even know what they need to know. The truth is that I do not know how to reach their hearts. But you do, Lord. You see straight through their behavior and academic performance. You see their lives, their thoughts, their motives, their potential. Show me how to love them God. Show me how to prepare them. Show me how to get past performance and to please you in all of this.

Copper Mountain

Ski village.

Lovely. The mountains across from Copper Mountain.

Cozy.

Before the big day.

Sunrise from our window.

Our super cool snow gear.

Best seat in the house. :)

Just before the big plunge.

My brother and me.

Snow Patrol.

Commemorating our hard work on the slopes with a cup of joe.

Thanksgiving in Colorado

Together again.

Josh and Amber. :)

A little too close to the lens.

Sisters.

Happy Thanksgiving :)

We missed you mom and dad. :)

My Glove Compartment

So I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic today on Blanding Boulevard and decided to take a look through my glove compartment. I had not looked through it since moving here about a year and half ago...weird but true.

Anyways, it was like opening a treasure chest I had forgotten was there. I found an old bottle of ibuprofen, the earphones I had been looking for, first aid items from the cpr/first aid class I had taken in Tulsa, a straw, and of course my title and registration. But the best part of the contents was three tape cassettes I had totally forgotten about. The first was my grandfather's testimony. The second was an incredible sermon about vision. And the third, a part of my song journal that I had lost track of.

A theme began to emerge. I listed to my grandfather's testimony. The sound was so old school that I thought about one day attaching it to the end of one of my music albums. He told of when God brought him through a terrible nervous breakdown and showed him that there was more to his faith than he had been taught as a Baptist preacher in seminary. Healing. Deliverance. Lives set free. I wish he was still alive today, so I could call him up and ask him more. But I also think that God has a reason for awakening these questions inside of me only now after grandpa is gone. He wants ME to search the scriptures. He wants me to know because I have searched for Him. "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings." (Proverbs 25:2)

And the song journal. Wow. Confidence began to arise in my heart as I listened. The bits and pieces. The sounds of worship. All the songs came through like fresh air. I began to remember, even more, the vision God has placed in my heart.

As for the third cassette, the vision sermon, I haven't listened yet. That one is set up for tomorrow's driving entertainment. It promises to be good.

Happy Veteran's Day

Thank you, Josh, Joe, John, friends, uncles, cousins, grandpa and everyone I don't know. You face death all day long and yet you stand. You walk a path that is greater than yourself. You bring freedom wherever you go. You make me want to stand. Thank you.

Hope

Hope.

Letting go of what should have been for the chance that what is still to come offers a better outcome.

I've been trying to think of some profound story of hope today, in lieu of pip's new site. I know hope has recently raised it's hand in my life. I know that it's my turn to grab ahold and not let go.

I didn't start writing until today as I visited a friend from the past. I saw my past, in the midst of my present state. I saw where I had come from. I saw the state of my heart then and now.

Hope came quietly. It did not interrupt this healing. It did not bang upon my door. It came as desperation gave way to trust. It came as trust turned into faith.

Hope stayed safely hidden, when I thought I had lost it for good. In its own wise ambition, hope stayed away so that, when I was ready, it would have the strength to rise again.

There are moments, like this moment right now, where I wish I could carry this hope back and place it in the times I needed it most. It might have protected me better from the choices I made. There are moments, when I want so badly to go back and touch the heart of this friend with the same hope I now know.

But hope was there. Safely hidden. Safely whispering. Safely carrying me to another shore; the one I now stand on, looking back today through a window.

Hope.

Letting go of what should have been. Knowing that what is still to come will bring a better outcome.

http://findhope.wordpress.com/

Check it out.

Colossians

So this passage was so personal as I went home last weekend. I got to see so many people...my grandparents, aunts, uncles, second and third cousins, friends from highschool, church, ministry, etc., etc. And with each encounter God brought life. He used me to refresh others and, in turn, he used many of them to bring refreshment to me. On Sunday morning, before I went to see a very close friend and talk to her about the Lord, I flipped open to the first chapter of Colossians.

3We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, 4because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints— 5the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel 6that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. 7You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our[c] behalf, 8and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.

9For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully 12giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[d] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. 13For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption,[e] the forgiveness of sins.

Going With God

What a season of change this has been. God is picking up the pieces of my broken heart. He is mending and healing. He is vindicating and redeeming. And He is sending me out to spread the message. I am not even sure if I can keep track of all the pieces that have been so recently put together. But I know He is. There are things that only He knew about and yet they are coming to light. My dark corners are being lit up and swept clean. My fears and inhibitions are being challenged. My weaknesses are being covered by His grace.

I went to NY last weekend. NY is a land that I so desperately want to see changed by God. I went because I heard God's call to share His love with a friend of mine. The trip ended up being so much more than just what I had planned. I still get teared up talking about it. For so long I have wanted to tell my friends back home about the Lord. I have wanted to tell them about the change that He brings. But I did not know how. I did not even know if I was being changed. And then just recently, I began to see it. I began to see God working in my life in such a fresh way. I began to realiz His call on my life and to be confident about it. I began to step out of my questions and into this faith that He has asked me to live my life by.

It is amazing to see what God can do when we step out of the boat. It is amazing to feel the burden lifted, to let go and know that He is God. The details of my life are being so rearranged. Even in the natural, I am cleaning and budgeting and reorganizing my belongings. I don't know what is next. But I do know He is there. And I know that I want to go where He is. Life is so exciting when God is in the lead.

On A Mission

Well, I'm in NY; landed in Rochester an hour earlier than I expected. Some leaves are left on the trees so I am seeing a bit of color. After seeing my breath in the air I decided to go buy a winter coat. Florida clothing just isn't going to cut it! I have no idea what God is going to do this weekend, but I am hoping not to miss it. I like the idea that Him and I are on a mission together. I read a friend's blog the other day and she made the remark that God's fingers were laced through her own. That is how I feel today...ready for change, ready for hope, ready for miracles and seeing God work in and through my life.

Woman at the Well

I woke up from my Sunday afternoon nap and wished that I could figure out the dream I had just been walking through moments ago. I wrote it down and got up to do some other things. But I really wanted to read. I looked at Amazon for some new book ideas and decided instead to head to Books a Million.

I actually went looking for a few things, a Bible for a friend, relationship books, basic Christianity books to give to a couple of people. And right there on the shelf I saw a book about dreams and their interpretations. It is rare to find a good book on dreams in the Christianity section. So I picked it up along with another book on none other than dating and relationships and headed to a chair to do some reading.

The book on dreams was interesting and I contemplated after skimming every chapter that maybe I should buy it. The relationship book was good until the author went on about God not having any part in bringing us together with our marriage partner. It held arrows of disappointment between the lines so I proceded to take it right back to its section and leave it there. Just as I was about to put the dream book back as well, I heard this women frantically searching the shelves saying, "Do you know where the dream section is? I'm looking for books about dreams."

I thought it uncanny that in my hands I held the only dream book in that section. I showed her what I had found. She began to tell her story of a reoccurring dream she had been having as if her life depended upon it. She told me about how she had been a pastor and how her husband had left her because of adultery. She told me about her new marriage and how it was so full of disappointment. She told me that she was no longer in ministry, no longer fulfilling her calling. She even showed me the tatoo she had gotten with her first husband who had passed away. This woman was crying out. She kept asking me what her dream meant as if I would have the answers because I had read the book.

I had read the parts of the book that were meant for her tonight. I showed her what I had read and then I began to ask her pointed questions about her life. I asked her where she was at in her walk with the Lord. I asked her more about her dream. And the whole time I was thinking, am I really qualified to be interpreting this dream for her? Do I really know what I am saying? But I could not deny that God had placed this divine appointment in my evening. I could not hold back the words that he placed in my mouth in those moments. I could not stop from sharing my testimony of the moments when I thought I would not go back to church, when I thought that my life was falling apart too much for God to use me.

God was showing her that her disappointment was holding her back from what God had planned for her. He was showing her how the enemy was bringing death through the circumstances that held her heart captive. I have gone through the same seasons in my heart and I have been trusting God to bring me out.

God showed me that He loved me and trusted me enough to speak life to her tonight. I feel like He brought me to another level. I feel like Jesus when He said to the disciples, "I have bread that you know not of"...when they wondered why He was not hungry after ministering to the woman at the well. Tonight I am full just knowing that He used me to speaking peace to a woman in need.

Restored

Days ahead, I will look back
and see you here
See your eyes looking intently into my own
See the smile that brought me home.
Finally, settled.
Finally, full of hope.
I asked to know you once again.
I have wanted your arms around me,
wanted to hear your laughter,
wanted to put my hands in yours
walking through the rest of this life.
And now I am seeing that you came running
before my mouth ever opened
before my eyes ever moved in your direction.
My broken heart...obvious, and I see the tangled web of emotion
and lies attached to my dreams,
You bring silence to my storm.
You mend my broken spirit, heal my broken heart,
breath life into my deflated lungs.
You cause me to sing again.
I could not have planned this, could not have guessed.
But you have brought it to pass and I am grateful.
I asked to see your goodness.
I asked to know you more than ever before.
I see that you have been waiting to hear my voice for so, so long.

The Real Deal

I've been reading "So You Want to Be Like Christ" by Charles Swindoll as a Bible study with a group from my church. I'm enjoying it's conversation in simplicity and quietness before God. I am being challenged in my own disciplines of reading the Word and spending time in silence and meditation. Life is busy and full of noise. I know I need to sit and listen more often.

Anyways, there is this part of the book that really bothers me. It's the part where Swindoll warns his readers of those who think that God speaks to us apart from the reading of scripture. On the one hand, throughout the book, he is saying, listen to God's voice. On the other hand, he is telling Christians that we should not expect to hear a still, small voice speaking directly to our hearts. He says that God speaks only through what is already in the Bible. I am guessing that he does not believe either in the baptism or the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I am guessing that He does not believe that God speaks fresh words to His people.

Although I know that many go overboard on this topic, I believe that God speaks in so many ways through so many different people. He did so in the Bible days, why would He stop now? Yes, if we were to search the contents of the Bible, every word we have heard from Him should line up with scripture. But what about those without the scriptures? What about those who are not able to put their hands on a Bible and flip through the pages? Are they not able to hear from God? It almost makes me want to put the book down. I find it all disheartening. Even more so because I did not hear anyone else bring up the topic during our study this past week.

And so, in all of this, I am realizing my hunger. I grew up believing that God heals and delivers...that He WANTS people to be healed and delivered. I grew up believing that God speaks through prophecy and directly to our spirits. I can't remember the first time I spoke in tongues because I grew up in a family where it was a normal part of our lives. I grew up hearing about the power of God, longing to see it in and through my own life. It was only just in these past 5 years that I had become jaded by the charismatic community. A manipulative group of people and a few bitter tasting experiences can do that to a person. So I played it safe, wanting only the simple message of the gospel, the quiet sounds of worship, people devoted but not irrational and awkward. But even now, now that I have returned to a community of people who are so fired up about Christ, I feel as if something is missing. I read a book like this, I hear someone pray for a sick friend not that she would be healed but that she would be okay with not finding a cure and going to be with God in Heaven, and it all just makes me so sad.

This is the verse on my mind tonight:

Phillipians 3:10,11
[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope]

That if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

My prayer is, God, show me what is true. Show me what is on your heart. Show me your goodness. Show me your plan. I'm tired of trying to define it on my own. I'm tired of trying to search after correct theologies and 5 year plans. I want the real deal.

Embracing Status

Back to the recent conversation in my last post, about not knowing what else I want to do...

For as long as I can remember I have just wanted to be married. It has taken up my thoughts, my dreams, my plans, etc., etc. It's not even the novelty or the wedding day or the diamond ring. It's the simple knowing that I have someone to live my life with, someone who is going in the same direction, someone who I can commit to, someone who will commit to me, someone who I can trust wholly and completely.

Well 27 is here and I am not any closer to knowing who or when or how than I was at 22. I find myself entering into a new mindset. I am done worrying about it. I am choosing indifference at the moment. In translation...I am not looking. Looking and worrying and trying to plan leaves me disappointed and unfulfilled. And in the disappointment I have often forgotten that there is a life to be lived. I have forgotten that I have gifts to open, beauty to share, worlds to discover, a God to know.

And with this new mindset, it is not a wonder that I am at a loss for what to do. I have based my plans on having someone to share them with. I have hoped and dreamed for a friend for so long that I have not cultivated my confidence in being alone. I have not cultivated my confidence in the Lord. This is the time and season for such things. God help me.

Recess and Science Experiments

Tonight I'm thinking back on a recent conversation with a friend. It went something like this:

Friend - "So, what are your plans in the near future?"
Me - "Well, finish this year of teaching...then who knows."
Friend - "What else do you want to do?"
Me - "I don't know, I just feel like there's more."

I've been saying that a lot lately. Mostly to God, mostly to myself. But I struggle because I feel like if I leave teaching behind, I am somehow leaving my calling and ultimately disappointing God. At the same time, if I neglect this dissatifcation, I am afraid that I will be missing out on some unknown fulfillment, some unknown blessing that might only come through a leap of faith.

I love my kiddos...I love having a part in shaping their lives. I do not love conforming to the government's rules and regulations as to how they should be taught and tested in the classroom. I do not the love the stress of trying to juggle a circus of paperwork and meetings and discipline procedures. I look at my classroom and I am heartbroken, because there is no time scheduled for recess anymore; there is no time for science experiments; there is barely an emphasis on art and music. The beauty of life and living and education is being set outside the classroom door. And I fall victim to it, because of my inexperience and insecurity as a young teacher. I do not know how to meet the academic expectations and to show my students the value of what they are learning at the same time. Test, after test, after test and for what? To show information that has been handed down through a system, through a bunch of men and women who sit in a boardroom somewhere and pass on their new and improved ideas. Some of them are good. Some of them, I'm not so sure. These children need to breath some fresh air. I need to breath some fresh air.

Album

So I thought it would be fun to make my own music space today. If you do not have a cd in hand, click on the picture to go and listen.

Tapestry

There is a verse that talks about writing the vision down so that the herald may run with it. At the beginning of this year, I wrote down in my blog that I wanted to record my songs. I didn't know anything about recording, I didn't know anyone who could help me, I didn't even have more than 2 finished songs.

I sat with mom tonight and discussed this musical journey. It started so long ago, under my grandpa's tree, playing a guitar that belonged to the church. I couldn't have been more than 7. And then lessons at the end of high school. And then leading worship in Rochester in so many different settings. After that ORU, where I was not accepted into the music program, and where I could not even get into the choir. Voice lessons, private guitar lessons, long nights in the piano lab..writing...dreaming...praying. It's where I met Leah, where I met the Edison boys, where I roomed with Zoe. And between these three and Tulsa, and LA, and Jacksonville...I have come to a place of divine appointment. I can't forget my trip this summer either. If I hadn't been given the gift of Scotland, I wouldn't have begun to write again, I am sure...it was there where my heart began to really open up again. I might not even have been ready to record. My life is full of friends and family and happenings so intricately woven that seasons and places lead me to other seasons and places. God knows the beginning from the end, I am sure.

So today, I recorded my first five songs. It feels so good to say that. If you want a copy, email me...I'll send it your way. :)

Getting Closer to a Dream

Ok, so the songs may be recorded this week. I have some friends who are going to help me out. This is a huge step. I actually feel nervous and not quite ready. I feel like I need to rewrite every one of them again. I feel like I could work for 5 more weeks and then maybe they would be ready. What if I hadn't taken so many naps this weekend? For that matter, every weekend. How much further would I be? What if I was playing right now instead of blogging?... Oh yeah, I am remembering that I need to be ready to teach school tomorrow. I've been a little stressed due to lack of sleep, which is due to many things including song writing. Well, I'm actually asking God for help. When I moved to Jax I put the music business in His hands. He is the one who will breathe on the words and the sounds. He is the One who will open doors. I just pray that my heart is in line with His and that I am disciplined enough to work at it and bring out a good sound.

27

I made it. :)

Well, to those of you who remember BASIC days you might appreciate this story.

At 17 I was pretty sure who I wanted to marry..yeah, that's right 17. But thank God that did not work out. After getting out of that relationship and graduating high school I started making some big life changes and got involved with church related activities and joined a Christian college group. What an amazing group of friends I had in that place. Anyways, even though the marriage thing hadn't worked out as planned before, I was still pretty hopeful that by 22 I would be settled down someplace with someone. 18, 19, 20 went by...still, no prospects. Eh, I still had time. That's when I met Tracy. Tracy played the guitar, led worship at church, had her life together. I really looked up to her. She was also 27 and single. Truth be told, I felt sorry for her...lol. I prayed, "Dear, God...please don't make me wait that long." 21, 22, 23, 24...I even went to a Bible college where everyone made the joke, "ring by spring or your money back." No ring by spring, not even more than a first date. 25, 26 ...he wasn't in NY, he wasn't in OK...maybe Florida?

27...How funny. I made it. I don't feel sorry for me. I actually feel privileged, thankful that I have lived life fully up to this point...traveling, teaching, carrying freedom to come and go as I please. Do I wish I had someone to share it with? Most definitely. Does my radar still send out its signals? Um, yeah. But I'm not worried. I feel just as hopeful as I did back at 17, 22, 25. The only wish I have is that I'll get to share my younger years with someone else...traveling, serving, loving, etc., etc. Tracy did get married not too long after 27...maybe I won't have to wait much longer either. :)

Seeing Christ

I remember the moment so clearly. Standing in the middle of my living room, late at night, holding the one thing my heart believed in. It should have been a moment just like any other, a moment leading to many more just the same. But a sinking, helpless feeling crept in and in some untangible way, I knew it was the beginning of the end.

It is moments like these that have recently crept back into my day. For some reason I have been brought back to remember. In the midst of worship tonight I began to see it again, feel the pain. Why, God? Why now? Why is it so hard to move my heart in a new direction? Will I always carry this disappoinment? Will I always question the hope that tries so hard to spring up in my life? Will I ever move beyond this? Will I ever see something better? Will there be a new day? New love? I wish there was a way to put every memory in a box and send it on its way. I wish there was a way to take out my heart, wash it clean and let only the light in. I wish there was a way to make joy the only station broadcasted across the soundwaves of my life.

And so tonight, as we sang "You are the only one I live for" over and over I just began to pray. I want so badly for it to be true. I want so badly to walk away from disappoinment. I want so badly to know what it means to see God and see His promises come to pass. I want so badly to say that Christ changed me and see that same power change others.

And so, as the memories pass by this is my prayer, "show me Christ". Show me where you were in the midst of it, Lord. Show me where you are in the midst of me now. Show me Christ and let His power become the power that changes my life...transforming death to life, light to darkness, disappointment to hope, insecurity to confidence, shame to relief.

Fear and Surrender

After my last couple of posts I know it is time for a change. Many times, on this blog, I risk being vulnerable...letting everyone know my business. But I find this heart stuff incredibly hard keep inside...something important happens, and like sitting with a very dear friend, I have to come and put it all down. I have to make sense of what's going on. I have to let it be released so that I can move on.

It's been a long road, this whole church situation, this whole heart situation. A friend of mine called to see if I was headed to church this past Saturday night. I told him that I wasn't sure because I didn't really want to show up alone. Maybe that's been my problem all along. Maybe that's why I eventually shrink back. I don't know. I'm usually really good about putting my brave face on. For some reason I just haven't been able to find it. So, I went...to church...met my friend there, feeling like a dork because seriously I could have come on my own and been just fine. And it was so good...not just good...but so good. That was Saturday night...Sunday morning, I was there again...on my own this time...and ended up going to membership class. Do you know what the whole weekend was about by the way? ...Why it's important to get planted in the house of God. It's been so long since I've been able to do that...so long since I've trusted God enough to let myself be planted. Yeah, it's about time.

There was something else last week that had me in tears. My kids are constantly hugging me, wrapping their little arms around me, telling me stories, etc., etc. and it is usually at times when I need everyone's attention or we are lining up or "fill in the blank" inopportune time of the day. It really began to bother me when I noticed that my reactions were not loving and patient, but more like "c'mon we've got places to go, things to do..no time for play" kinds of reactions. As I searched my heart I began to see the face of fear. And without going detail for detail I realized that I have been holding my students at arms length in fear that I would not be able to control them in my classroom. I looked at situation after situation this year and saw how fear held me back from fully embracing them each time. What is this fear? Where did it come from? I'm not quite sure, but God knows and I'm asking Him. I just keep thinking of Jesus and how He embraced the little ones around Him...He took time not worrying what everyone else would think. I hope that I can begin to do the same. I'm wondering how much this has affected my other relationships as well. I mean how often have I held others at arms length in order to maintain control and not be vulnerable to criticism or rejection?

Alone on Friday Night...

with a great radio station to keep me company. :)

Jones College Radio